DIU monthly posts part 2

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A Challenge to Christians
How many has God killed? (Complete list and estimated total)
Islam: It's mostly about going to the bathroom
Blogging the Book of Mormon
50 reasons to be ashamed (and not a fan) of Jesus
Who has killed more, Satan or God?
God's Top 50 Killings in the Bible
Where do evil spirits come from?
David, a man after God's own heart (WWDD?)
The worth of a woman: The Bible vs. the Quran
208 ways to get yourself saved
Real men pee standing up
Everybody must get stoned
Where do evil spirits come from?
What does Jesus have written on his testicles?
Which is more violent, the Bible or the Quran?
Why Christian "Marriage" is Wrong
Is it wrong to burn people to death?
The Top 50 Bible Stories for kids
Which bits of the Bible are we still to believe?
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Dwindling In Unbelief



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 29 March 2013Forget Easter: Celebrate Jesus-in-Hell Day instead!
File:Harrowing of Hell.jpg
The Harrowing of Hell
Now that Jesus is dead (they killed him in the Philippines earlier today), we can celebrate what happened after he died.

Happy Jesus-in-Hell Day!
Most Christians (well, Protestants, anyway) don't know this, but Jesus went directly to hell after he died.
Really, he did. It says so in the Bible.
He [David] seeing this before spake of the resurrection of Christ, that his soul was not left in hell, neither his flesh did see corruption. Acts 2:31
The above quote is from the speech that Peter gave on the day of Pentecost -- you know, the day that believers spoke in languages they didn't understand and acted like they were drunk.
So it must be true. (If you can't trust a drunken Pentecostal preacher who was also the first pope, whom can you trust?)


There are a couple of other references to Jesus's day in hell by someone who claimed to be Peter, but wasn't. Here's what the forger of 1 Peter said about it.
Christ ... went and preached unto the spirits in prison. 1 Peter 3:19
For this cause was the gospel preached also to them that are dead. 1 Peter 4:6
So Jesus preached the gospel to the dead people "in prison" -- that is, to the people in hell.

And then there's this from Ephesians (another forgery, this time attributed to Paul).
Christ ... descended first into the lower parts of the earth.  He that descended is the same also that ascended up far above all heavens, that he might fill all things. Ephesians 4:7-9
So Jesus descended "into the lower parts of the earth" -- which, as we all know, is where hell is.

Of course, Catholics know all this. They are reminded every time they attend mass or say the rosary, because it's right there in The Apostles' Creed.
I believe in God, the Father almighty, Creator of heaven and earth, and in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried; he descended into hell....
So get out and celebrate Jesus's descent into hell.

Here are some pictures that Jesus took during his visit to inspire you.

The first is a black and white photo of a very tall Jesus meeting Adam and Eve as they come out of their demon-mouth house.

Here's one, on Saturday night, after Jesus put on his transparent robe.

And here's Jesus in a hurry to meet the ladies of hell.

Here's Jesus delivering the sermon from hell.

And here he is Sunday morning before heading back to the tomb.


So to hell with Easter. Celebrate Jesus-in-Hell Day instead.
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/29/2013 04:06:00 PM 8 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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24 March 2013Who is the most blessed woman (according to the Bible)?
Since tomorrow (March 25) is The Feast of the Annunciation of the Most Blessed Virgin Mary, I thought I'd ask this question: Who is the most blessed woman according to the Bible?
To Catholics, of course, there is only one answer: Mary

Henry Ossawa Tanner - The Annunciation
And there's good biblical justification for their belief, from the annunciation story in the Gospel of Luke.
You remember this story, right? The one where the angel Gabriel stopped by Nazareth to visit the Most Blessed Virgin Mary and say the rosary with her?
OK, not really. He stopped by to tell her that the Holy Ghost would soon be getting her pregnant the way he did her cousin Elizabeth. But during his visit he did manage to come up with the first half of the "Hail Mary."
The angel Gabriel was sent from God unto a city of Galilee, named Nazareth, To a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David; and the virgin's name was Mary. And the angel came in unto her, and said, Hail, thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women. Luke 1:26-28
So Mary, then, according to the angel Gabriel and the Gospel of Luke, is "blessed among women."
But is she the most blessed of all women? Are there any other women in the Bible that can compete with her blessedness?
How about Jael, for example?

Gregorio Lazzarini: Jael and Sisera
In Judges 4, Jael offers food and shelter to a traveler (Sisera), saying "turn in my Lord ... fear not." Then after giving him a glass of milk and tucking him in, she drives a tent stake through his head.


For murdering her guest while he slept, Jael is called "blessed above women." (Hail Jael, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women....?)
Blessed above women shall Jael ... be, blessed shall she be above women ...
He asked water, and she gave him milk; she brought forth butter in a lordly dish.
She put her hand to the nail, and her right hand to the workmen's hammer; and with the hammer she smote Sisera, she smote off his head, when she had pierced and stricken through his temples ... there he fell down dead. Judges 5:
So surely Jael is in the running for the most blessed of all women.
Or how about Judith?

Caravaggio: Judith Beheading Holofernes
Judith's story is not found in Protestant Bibles. But it is in Catholic ones, which include the Deuterocanonical Book of Judith.
Here's the relevant story from chapter 13, where Judith, with God's approval and assistance, decapitated the drunken Holfernes while he slept.
They were all overcharged with wine....
Holofernes lay on his bed, fast asleep, being exceedingly drunk...
Judith stood before the bed praying...
Saying: Strengthen me, O Lord ... that I may bring to pass ... that it might be done by thee...
When she had said this, she ... loosed his sword...
And ... she took him by the hair of his head, and said: Strengthen me, O Lord...
And she struck twice upon his neck, and cut off his head...
And ... she ... delivered the head of Holofernes to her maid, and bade her put it into her wallet. Judith 13:2-11
For cutting off the head of a drunken man as he slept, Judith is blessed by God "above all woman."
Blessed art thou, O daughter, by the Lord the most high God, above all women upon the earth.
The Lord ... directed thee to the cutting off the head ... Thy praise shall not depart out of the mouth of men ... for ever. Judith 13:23-25
So, I don't know for sure, of course, but I think Judith wins the prize. She is "blessed ... above all women upon the earth."  Whereas Jael is "blessed above women" so I think she deserves the silver. And poor old Mary is only "blessed among women", so she gets the bronze.
Maybe Pope Francis should institute a new feast: The Feast of Judith, Blessed Above All Women and demote Mary to just one of the several blessed women.



Posted by Steve Wells at 3/24/2013 12:07:00 PM 2 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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13 March 20132 Machabees 4:29-42: A Jewish mob kills Lysimachus, the sacrilegious fellow
In the last apocryphal killing, God killed Andronicus (the sacrilegious wretch) for supporting the wrong candidate (Menelaus) for Jewish high priest.
The next high priest was Menelaus's brother, Lysimachus.
Menelaus was removed from the priesthood, Lysimachus his brother succeeding. 2 Machabees 4:29
There were rumors among the Jews that Lysimachus followed after his brother's sacrilegious ways.
Now when many sacrileges had been committed by Lysimachus in the temple by the counsel of Menelaus, and the rumour of it was spread abroad, the multitude gathered themselves together against Lysimachus, a great quantity of gold being already carried away. 4:39
So the mob killed Lysimachus by throwing stones, clubbing him to death, and (worst of all) throwing ashes upon him.
Wherefore the multitude making an insurrection, and their minds being filled with anger ... caught up stones, some strong clubs: and some threw ashes upon Lysimachus ... the sacrilegious fellow ... they slew. 4:40-42
And although the text doesn't say so explicitly, it's pretty clear that God inspired and approved of this killing (even if he didn't assist in it by throwing ashes himself).
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/13/2013 12:20:00 AM 0 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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10 March 2013Continuing the Apocryphal killings: God killed Andronichus (that sacrilegious wretch)
Now that the SAB book is out and the pre-orders have been shipped, it's time to get back to the Apocryphal killings.
As you might recall, the last killing was Antiochus, whom, according to 1 and 2 Machabees, God killed in three different ways (with an incurable bowel disease, by smashing him with stones and dismembering him, and by scaring him to death). .
The next story is about a man named Andronicus.
Andronicus was an official of King Antiochus who got involved in a dispute between two rivals for the Jewish high priesthood. One claimant was Onias, God's favorite; the other was Menelaus, a cruel tyrant and savage beast, who stole gold out of the temple and gave it to Andronicus.
Menelaus ... having the mind of a cruel tyrant, and the rage of a savage beast ... having stolen certain vessels of gold out of the temple, gave them to Andronicus. 2 Machabees 4:23-32
Menelaus asked Andronicus to kill Onias.
Menelaus coming to Andronicus, desired him to kill Onias. 4:34a
Which he did.
And he [Andronicus] went to Onias ... and immediately slew him. 4:34b
When King Antiochus (who according to 1 Machabees 1:16 was already dead) heard about Onias's death, he was "moved to pity" and "shed tears, remembering the sobriety and modesty of the deceased."
Antiochus therefore was grieved in his mind for Onias, and being moved to pity, shed tears, remembering the sobriety and modesty of the deceased. 4.37
So God inspired Antiochus to kill Andronicus (the sacrilegious wretch) as his deserved punishment.
And being inflamed to anger, he [Antiochus] commanded Andronicus to be stripped of his purple, and to be led about through all the city: and that in the same place wherein he had committed the impiety against Onias, the sacrilegious wretch should be put to death, the Lord repaying him his deserved punishment. 4:38
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/10/2013 02:46:00 PM 0 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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08 March 2013Giving Ecclesiastes too much credit
In previous posts I've said that Ecclesiastes is the best book (and pretty much the only good book) in the Bible. And I still think that's true.
But I may have given it too much credit. There's a lot of crazy stuff that I passed over when highlighting Ecclesiastes. (Once you decide that a biblical book is "good" it's easy to read it like a believer and ignore the bad stuff.)
Here, for example, are some verses that were previously unmarked in the SAB that Steve Weeks recently pointed out to me.  (I've since added them to absurdity.)

The fool foldeth his hands together, and eateth his own flesh. 4:5
Let thy garments be always white; and let thy head lack no ointment. 9:8
A wise man's heart is at his right hand; but a fool's heart at his left. 10:2
Give a portion to seven, and also to eight; for thou knowest not what evil shall be upon the earth. 11:2
So take another look at the Bible's best book and see what you find. Are there other verses that you think should be highlighted? If so, let me know in the comments.
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/08/2013 11:03:00 AM 15 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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06 March 2013Douglas Wilson's grammatical argument against gay marriage

I've seen quite a few of Doug Wilson's previous debates (See, for example, Collision: Are Doug Wilson's beliefs good for the world? ) and he always seems to come out on top. But not this time.
The debate took place on February 27 at the University of Idaho in Doug Wilson's (an my) hometown of Moscow. (Unfortunately I was unable to attend the debate since I was out of town at the time.)
The topic was "Is civil marriage for gay couples good for society?" and was moderated by Peter Hitchens, the late great Christopher Hitchens's obnoxious little brother.
Andrew Sullivan argued forcefully and persuasively in favor of the proposition, using his personal experience as a gay married man, while citing data showing the positive effects of gay marriage on society.
Doug Wilson began his argument with these words:
I would like to begin by thanking the Lord for how everything came together. (22:52)
And everything fell apart for him from there.
In his initial fifteen minute presentation, he presented two arguments:
1) If gays are allowed to marry then so will polygamists, bisexuals, first cousins, etc.
2) Gay marriage is grammatically incorrect.
The slippery polygamous slope argument is obvious (and silly) enough, but the grammatical argument requires a bit of explaining. Here's how Douglas Wilson put it in the debate: (36:31)
At a certain point, allowing for changes in the direct object actually changes the meaning of the verb. Andrew appears to agree with this, arguing for "monogamy as central to all marriage." Adding a third person would take away the central element, meaning that such marriages weren't really marriages, making the direct object  "two women", for example, instead of "one woman", means that the verb "to marry" has been altered. 
And, as everyone knows, when the direct object alters the verb, all hell breaks loose.
During the question and answer session, the second question to Doug Wilson was this: (1:24:29)
I listened with great interest to your fifteen minute opening statement, and I heard you drawing lines of acceptable and unacceptable behavior, but I did not hear a single cogent argument for why Mr. Sullivan and his husband's behavior and marriage does not fit within the line that you would draw. And you have not answered the question and you haven't given any reason why civil marriage between gays is not good for society. Would you care to comment please?
Here was Mr. Wilson's answer:
Yes. I timed my opening comment when the light was good and when the light was not good up here, so I've got a little bit left, and I was addressing that in my conclusion, so I'm going to incorporate that into my five-minute close. Basically. So you're exactly right, that's the missing piece and I urge you to wait for it with bated breath.
To which Mr. Sullivan responded:
When the missing piece is the actual proposition to be debated? (laughter and applause)
"Is civil marriage for gay couples good for society?"
Is it unfair to ask you to answer that now? Why didn't you answer it in the beginning?
Wilson:
In the tradition that I was trained in the conclusion usually comes at the end of the argument.
Sullivan:
This is the premise. This is the core of the argument; it's not a conclusion. If it's the conclusion, then you give me no way to engage it. Right? So you are actually shutting off the debate by keeping the key argument for the end..
Wilson:
No, it was the gentleman with the card saying "30 seconds left" that actually shut off the...
Sullivan:
Well now you have all the time in the world to answer the man's question.
Wilson:
I'm happy to answer your question. The reason civil marriage is not good for society is that the changing of the direct object from a woman to a man when a man is considering marriage is that to change the direct object does more than just change the direct object, it changes the meaning of the verb. So the verb "to marry" is changed for all of us.We're not taking a house and adding an extra room, what we're doing is we're going into a new state of affairs to allow marriage between a man and a man and a woman and a woman is to open the doors to a dilution of what it means to marry at all. And I believe, and this is an area where Andrew and I agree, that an established social institution like marriage ought not to be messed with.
So it's all about direct objects, changing verbs, and adding an extra room to a house.
In his closing statement, Mr. Wilson finally presented a biblical argument against gay marriage. The killer argument that he was saving for last is this: Jesus married the church and the church, it turns out, is female.
Now that's a fine argument except that it fails Wilson's two-pronged test. Since there are many Christian churches, Jesus has many wives. Therefore polygamy is OK. And I don't even want to think about the grammatical implications of Jesus's multiple brides. It would change direct objects, as well as verbs, and require many room additions in the polygamous kingdom of heaven.
Doug Wilson lost the debate because he couldn't present his real views on gay marriage, so he had to talk about slippery slopes, direct objects, and Jesus's marital relations.
You see, Doug Wilson believes in the Bible, and the Bible is clear on gay marriage. Here's what it says:
If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13
Doug Wilson believes that this verse is a commandment from God that should be applied today. If he had his way there would be no gay marriage because there would be no gay people. They would all be executed as God commands.


Here is what his church's website (Credenda Agenda) says on the subject.
The civil magistrate is the minister of God to execute wrath on the wrongdoer (Rom. 13:4). God has not left his civil minister without guidance on how to exercise his office. The Scriptures set forth clear standards of judgment for many offenses. Capital crimes, for example, include premeditated killing (murder), kidnapping, sorcery, bestiality, adultery, homosexuality, and cursing one's parents (Ex. 21:14; 21:16; 22:18; 22:19; Lev. 20:10; 20:13; Ex. 21:17).
...
God commands the judge to evaluate the crime rather than the criminal. If the crime is one for which God requires death, then death must be the punishment. Your eye shall not pity. … Thus, the Bible teaches that pity is not an option where God has decided the matter. The magistrate, God's minister, is to faithfully execute justice according to God's standard, not man's.
Doug Wilson had to censure his own views on homosexuality during the debate. That's why he lost so badly. It's hard to defend a belief that you dare not express.
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/06/2013 11:37:00 AM 1 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Dwindling In Unbelief



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 27 April 2013And they fell on their faces
A recent tweet by StaticDespair was titled "The people in Bible times were too dramatic" and had a link to this image:






And it got me to thinking.

People in the Bible do some strange things when they get upset  They fall on their faces, tear their clothes, put sackcloth on their loins, and rub dirt on their heads. Stuff like that.

So I wondered, how many times, and under what circumstances, did people in the Bible do these things.

Here is my attempt to summarize it for you.

They fell on their faces.
When Abram was ninety years old and nine, the LORD appeared to Abram ... and Abram fell on his face. Genesis 17:1-3

Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear?. Genesis 17:17

And there came a fire out from before the LORD ... and ... when all the people saw, they shouted, and fell on their faces. Leviticus 9:24

Then Moses and Aaron fell on their faces. Numbers 14:5

And when Moses heard it, he fell upon his face. Numbers 16:4

And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying, Separate yourselves from among this congregation, that I may consume them in a moment. And they fell upon their faces. Numbers 16:20-22

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment. And they fell upon their faces. Numbers 16:44-45

And they fell upon their faces: and the glory of the LORD appeared unto them. Numbers 20:6

Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he ... fell flat on his face. Numbers 22:31

Joshua ... lifted up his eyes and looked, and, behold, there stood a man over against him with his sword drawn in his hand ... And Joshua fell on his face. Joshua 5:14

And Joshua ... fell to the earth upon his face before the ark of the LORD until the eventide. Joshua 7:6

The angel of the LORD ascended in the flame of the altar. And Manoah and his wife looked on it, and fell on their faces. Judges 13:20

Then she fell on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him, Why have I found grace in thine eyes? Ruth 2:10

David ... fell on his face to the ground, and bowed himself three times: and they kissed one another, and wept one with another, until David exceeded. 1 Samuel 20:41

Mephibosheth ... fell on his face. 2 Samuel 9:6

The woman of Tekoah ... fell on her face. 2 Samuel 14:4
Joab fell to the ground on his face. 2 Samuel 14:22
Ahimaaz ... fell ... upon his face. 2 Samuel 18:28

As Obadiah was in the way, behold, Elijah met him: and he knew him, and fell on his face, and said, Art thou that my lord Elijah? 1 Kings 18:7

And when all the people saw it, they fell on their faces. 1 Kings 18:39

David lifted up his eyes, and saw the angel of the LORD stand between the earth and the heaven, having a drawn sword in his hand stretched out over Jerusalem.Then David and the elders of Israel, who were clothed in sackcloth, fell upon their faces. 1 Chronicles 21:16

I saw ... the appearance of his loins  ...This was ... the glory of the LORD. And when I saw it, I fell upon my face. Ezekiel 1:27-28

Behold, the glory of the Lord stood there ... and I fell on my face. Ezekiel 3:23

While they were slaying them ... I fell on my face. Ezekiel 9:8

And it came to pass, when I prophesied, that Pelatiah the son of Benaiah died. Then fell I down upon my face.  Ezekiel 11:13

And, behold, the glory of the God of Israel came ... and his voice was like a noise of many waters ... and I fell upon my face. Ezekiel 43:2-3

Behold, the glory of the LORD filled the house of the LORD: and I fell upon my face. Ezekiel 44:4

King Nebuchadnezzar fell upon his face, and worshiped Daniel. Daniel 2:46

I was afraid, and fell upon my face. Daniel 8:17

And when the disciples heard it, they fell on their face. Matthew 17:6

And he went a little farther, and fell on his face. Matthew 26:39

A man full of leprosy... fell on his face. Luke 5:12
And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, and with a loud voice glorified God, And fell down on his face at his feet, giving him thanks: and he was a Samaritan. Luke 17:15-16
All the angels ... and the four beasts ... fell before the throne on their faces. Revelation 7:11

The four and twenty elders ... fell upon their faces. Revelation 11:16

They rent their clothes.
Reuben returned unto the pit; and, behold, Joseph was not in the pit; and he rent his clothes. Genesis 37:29
And Jacob rent his clothes Genesis 37:34
They speedily took down every man his sack to the ground, and opened every man his sack ...  and the cup was found in Benjamin's sack. Then they rent their clothes. Genesis 44:12-13
And Joshua ... and Caleb ... rent their clothes. Numbers 14:6

Jephthah came to ... his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances ... And it came to pass, when he saw her, that he rent his clothes. Judges 11:34-35
Samuel ... laid hold upon the skirt of his mantle, and it rent. 1 Samuel 15:27-28
Then David took hold on his clothes, and rent them; and likewise all the men that were with him. 2 Samuel 1:11

David said to Joab, and to all the people that were with him, Rend your clothes. 2 Samuel 3:31
And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying. 2 Samuel 13:19
Then the king arose, and tare his garments, and lay on the earth; and all his servants stood by with their clothes rent. 2 Samuel 13:31
Ahijah caught the new garment that was on him, and rent it in twelve pieces ... for thus saith the LORD, the God of Israel, Behold, I will rend the kingdom out of the hand of Solomon. 1 Kings 11:30-31

When Ahab heard those words, that he rent his clothes. 1 Kings 21:27

And Elisha saw it, and he cried, My father, my father ... and he took hold of his own clothes, and rent them in two pieces. 2 Kings 2:12

When the king of Israel had read the letter ... he rent his clothes. 2 Kings 5:7

When Elisha the man of God had heard that the king of Israel had rent his clothes, that he sent to the king, saying, Wherefore hast thou rent thy clothes? 2 Kings 5:8

So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him. And it came to pass, when the king heard the words of the woman ... he rent his clothes. 2 Kings 6:30

When king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes. 2 Kings 19:1

When the king had heard the words of the book of the law, that he rent his clothes. 2 Kings 22:11

Because ... thou ... hast rent thy clothes ... I also have heard thee, saith the LORD. 2 Kings 22:19
 
Then Athaliah rent her clothes, and said, Treason, Treason. 2 Chronicles 23:13
Because thine heart was tender ... didst rend thy clothes, and weep before me; I have even heard thee also, saith the LORD. 2 Chronicles 34:27
Mordecai rent his clothes ... and went out into the midst of the city, and cried with a loud and a bitter cry. Esther 4:1

When they lifted up their eyes afar off ... they lifted up their voice, and wept; and they rent every one his mantle. Job 2:12

When king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes ... and went into the house of the LORD. Isaiah 37:1
There came certain from Shechem, from Shiloh, and from Samaria, even fourscore men, having their beards shaven, and their clothes rent, and having cut themselves, with offerings and incense in their hand, to bring them to the house of the LORD. Jeremiah 41:5
Then the high priest rent his clothes. Matthew 26:65, Mark 14:63
Therefore also now, saith the Lord ... ren your heart, and not your garments. Joel 2:12-13
When the apostles, Barnabas and Paul, heard of, they rent their clothes, and ran in among the people, crying out, and saying, Sirs, why do ye these things? Acts 14:4

The magistrates rent off their clothes, and commanded to beat them. Acts 16:22
They put sackcloth on their loins
Jacob ... put sackcloth upon his loins, and mourned for his son many days. Genesis 37:34
David said to Joab, and to all the people that were with him ... gird you with sackcloth. 2 Samuel 3:31
And his servants said unto him ... let us, I pray thee, put sackcloth on our loins, and ropes upon our heads ... So they girded sackcloth on their loins, and put ropes on their heads. 1 Kings 20:31-32
When Ahab heard those words, that he rent his clothes, and put sackcloth upon his flesh, and fasted, and lay in sackcloth, and went softly. 1 Kings 21:27
When the king heard the words of the woman ... he passed by upon the wall, and the people looked, and, behold, he had sackcloth within upon his flesh. 2 Kings 6:30
When king Hezekiah heard it, he ... covered himself with sackcloth, and went into the house of the LORD. 2 Kings 19:1
David and the elders of Israel ... were clothed in sackcloth. 1 Chronicles 21:16
Mordecai ... put on sackcloth with ashes, and went out into the midst of the city, and cried with a loud and a bitter cry. Esther 4:1
There was great mourning among the Jews, and fasting, and weeping, and wailing; and many lay in sackcloth and ashes. Esther 4:3
I have sewed sackcloth upon my skin, and defiled my horn in the dust. Job 16:15
I made sackcloth also my garment; and I became a proverb to them. Psalm 69:11
And it shall come to pass, that instead of sweet smell there shall be stink; and instead of a girdle a rent; and instead of well set hair baldness; and instead of a stomacher a girding of sackcloth. Isaiah 3:24
On all their heads shall be baldness, and every beard cut off ... they shall gird themselves with sackcloth ... every one shall howl, weeping abundantly. Isaiah 15:2-3
At the same time spake the LORD ... saying, Go and loose the sackcloth from off thy loins ... and he did so, walking naked. Isaiah 20:2
In that day did the Lord GOD of hosts call ... to girding with sackcloth. Isaiah 22:12
Tremble, ye women that are at ease; be troubled, ye careless ones: strip you, and make you bare, and gird sackcloth upon your loins. Isaiah 32: 11
When king Hezekiah heard it ... he ... covered himself with sackcloth, and went into the house of the LORD. Isaiah 37:1
Gird you with sackcloth, lament and howl: for the fierce anger of the LORD is not turned back from us. Jeremiah 4:8
Gird thee with sackcloth, and wallow thyself in ashes. Jeremiah 6:26
Every head shall be bald, and every beard clipped: upon all the hands shall be cuttings, and upon the loins sackcloth. Jeremiah 48:37
Gird you with sackcloth; lament, and run to and fro by the hedges. Jeremiah 49:3
The elders of the daughter of Zion sit upon the ground, and ... have girded themselves with sackcloth. Lamentation 2:10
They shall also gird themselves with sackcloth, and horror shall cover them; and shame shall be upon all faces, and baldness upon all their heads. Ezekiel 7:18
And they shall make themselves utterly bald for thee, and gird them with sackcloth, and they shall weep for thee with bitterness of heart and bitter wailing. Ezekiel 27:31
I set my face unto the Lord God ... with ... sackcloth, and ashes. Daniel 9:3
Lament like a virgin girded with sackcloth for the husband of her youth. Joel 1:8
Gird yourselves, and ... howl ... lie all night in sackcloth. Joel 1:13
I will turn your feasts into mourning, and all your songs into lamentation; and I will bring up sackcloth upon all loins, and baldness upon every head; and I will make it as the mourning of an only son, and the end thereof as a bitter day. Amos 8:10
So the people of Nineveh believed God ... and put on sackcloth, from the greatest of them even to the least of them. Jonah 3:5
The king of Nineveh ... laid his robe from him, and covered him with sackcloth, and sat in ashes. Jonah 3:6
Let man and beast be covered with sackcloth, and cry mightily unto God. Jonah 3:8
Woe unto thee, Chorazin! woe unto thee, Bethsaida! for if the mighty works, which were done in you, had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes. Matthew 11:4, Luke 10:13
I will give power unto my two witnesses, and they shall prophesy a thousand two hundred and threescore days, clothed in sackcloth..Revelation 11:3
And they put dust on their heads.
Joshua ... and the elders of Israel ... put dust upon their heads. Joshua 7:6
And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying. 2 Samuel 13:19
When they lifted up their eyes afar off, and knew him not, they lifted up their voice, and wept and ... sprinkled dust upon their heads. Job 2:12

The elders of the daughter of Zion sit upon the ground, and have cast up dust upon their heads. Lamentations 2:10

The mariners ... shall cast up dust upon their heads. Ezekiel 27:29-30

Roll thyself in the dust ... having thy shame naked. Micah 1:10-11

They cried out, and cast off their clothes, and threw dust into the air. Acts 22:22
Let me know if I left anything out.







Posted by Steve Wells at 4/27/2013 04:44:00 PM 9 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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22 April 2013Bill Maher: I am not an Islamophobe, I am a truth lover.



 Here's an excerpt.
Levin: It's not like it's people who are Muslim who do wacky things have a monopoly on it. We have hypocrites across faiths...
Maher: You know what, that is liberal bullshit right there.
Levin: There are no religious hypocrites? You made a career on that.
Maher: They're not as dangerous. There's only one only one faith, for example, that kills you, or wants to kill you, if you draw a bad cartoon of the prophet. There's only on faith that kills you, or wants to kill you, if you renounce the faith. An ex-Muslim is a very dangerous thing. Talk to Salman Rushdie after the show about Christian versus Islam.
Levin: I have a girl for you, Pam Geller, you can maybe meet.
Maher: I don't know what that means.
Levin: Well, she's an Islamophobe.
Maher: I'm not an Islamophobe, That's wrong. I am a truth lover. All religions are not alike.
Bill Maher is right: It's time to drop the liberal bullshit.
All religions are not the same. Let's stop pretending like they are.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/22/2013 10:17:00 AM 7 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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19 April 2013That they all may be one: John 17 and the futility of prayer
Jesus didn't pray much in the gospels, but in John 17, he really got carried away.
He goes on and on for 24 verses, asking his father to glorify him with the same glory that he had back before the universe was created.
These words spake Jesus, and lifted up his eyes to heaven, and said, Father, the hour is come; glorify thy Son ... And now, O Father, glorify thou me ... with the glory which I had with thee before the world was. John 17:1-5
It's pretty boring stuff, until he says this:
Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word;
That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.  John 17:20-23
From which we can conclude two things:
Nothing fails like prayer (even when Jesus does the praying), and
God didn't send Jesus.



Posted by Steve Wells at 4/19/2013 11:34:00 AM 3 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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07 April 2013The First Plague of Egypt: God forced the Egyptians to drink human blood



Okay, I could use some help with this one.
Remember the first of the famous ten plagues of Egypt? The plague of blood?
Well, I didn’t include it in God's killings since the text in Exodus didn't say that anyone died. But now I'm not so sure.

Here’s the story from Exodus 7.

God told Moses to tell Aaron to smite all the water in Egypt with his rod (the one that he previously turned into a serpent and then back into a rod in Exodus 7:9-12), which will change the water into blood.


And the LORD spake unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Take thy rod, and stretch out thine hand upon the waters of Egypt, upon their streams, upon their rivers, and upon their ponds, and upon all their pools of water, that they may become blood; and that there may be blood throughout all the land of Egypt; both in vessels of wood, and in vessels of stone. v.19
And Moses and Aaron did so, as the LORD commanded. v.20



And it worked as planned. The fish died, the river stank, and the Egyptians had no water to drink.


And the fish that was in the river died; and the river stank, and the Egyptians could not drink of the water of the river; and there was blood throughout all the land of Egypt. v.21



For seven days, apparently.


And seven days were fulfilled, after that the LORD had smitten the river. v.25




Which must have killed some people, since, even under the most favorable conditions, a person can’t survive for more than a few days without water.



And then there's this from the book of Wisdom.


Instead of a fountain of an ever running river, thou gavest human blood to the unjust ... shewing ... how thou ... didst kill their adversaries. Wisdom 11:7-9




Although it isn't entirely clear to me, this passage seems to refer to the first plague of Egypt.


Here's the helpful note from the Douay-Reims Bible.
God ... wrought a miracle to punish the Egyptians by thirst, when he turned all their waters into blood, (at which time the Israelites, who were exempt from those plagues, had plenty of water,) wrought another miracle in favour of his own people in their thirst, by giving them water out of the rock.
So the first plague involved human blood!
Where did God get so much blood? Enough blood to fill the Nile River?
Did God kill people just to use their blood in the first plague? Or did he create the human blood from scratch?
And since at least some of the Egyptians refused to drink the human blood that God provided, some of them must have died of thirst.
In any case, in one way or another, some Egyptians died in the first plague. But how many?
Let me know if you have any suggestions for arriving at an estimate.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/07/2013 07:17:00 PM 14 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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 27 April 2013And they fell on their faces
A recent tweet by StaticDespair was titled "The people in Bible times were too dramatic" and had a link to this image:






And it got me to thinking.

People in the Bible do some strange things when they get upset  They fall on their faces, tear their clothes, put sackcloth on their loins, and rub dirt on their heads. Stuff like that.

So I wondered, how many times, and under what circumstances, did people in the Bible do these things.

Here is my attempt to summarize it for you.

They fell on their faces.
When Abram was ninety years old and nine, the LORD appeared to Abram ... and Abram fell on his face. Genesis 17:1-3

Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear?. Genesis 17:17

And there came a fire out from before the LORD ... and ... when all the people saw, they shouted, and fell on their faces. Leviticus 9:24

Then Moses and Aaron fell on their faces. Numbers 14:5

And when Moses heard it, he fell upon his face. Numbers 16:4

And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying, Separate yourselves from among this congregation, that I may consume them in a moment. And they fell upon their faces. Numbers 16:20-22

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment. And they fell upon their faces. Numbers 16:44-45

And they fell upon their faces: and the glory of the LORD appeared unto them. Numbers 20:6

Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he ... fell flat on his face. Numbers 22:31

Joshua ... lifted up his eyes and looked, and, behold, there stood a man over against him with his sword drawn in his hand ... And Joshua fell on his face. Joshua 5:14

And Joshua ... fell to the earth upon his face before the ark of the LORD until the eventide. Joshua 7:6

The angel of the LORD ascended in the flame of the altar. And Manoah and his wife looked on it, and fell on their faces. Judges 13:20

Then she fell on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him, Why have I found grace in thine eyes? Ruth 2:10

David ... fell on his face to the ground, and bowed himself three times: and they kissed one another, and wept one with another, until David exceeded. 1 Samuel 20:41

Mephibosheth ... fell on his face. 2 Samuel 9:6

The woman of Tekoah ... fell on her face. 2 Samuel 14:4
Joab fell to the ground on his face. 2 Samuel 14:22
Ahimaaz ... fell ... upon his face. 2 Samuel 18:28

As Obadiah was in the way, behold, Elijah met him: and he knew him, and fell on his face, and said, Art thou that my lord Elijah? 1 Kings 18:7

And when all the people saw it, they fell on their faces. 1 Kings 18:39

David lifted up his eyes, and saw the angel of the LORD stand between the earth and the heaven, having a drawn sword in his hand stretched out over Jerusalem.Then David and the elders of Israel, who were clothed in sackcloth, fell upon their faces. 1 Chronicles 21:16

I saw ... the appearance of his loins  ...This was ... the glory of the LORD. And when I saw it, I fell upon my face. Ezekiel 1:27-28

Behold, the glory of the Lord stood there ... and I fell on my face. Ezekiel 3:23

While they were slaying them ... I fell on my face. Ezekiel 9:8

And it came to pass, when I prophesied, that Pelatiah the son of Benaiah died. Then fell I down upon my face.  Ezekiel 11:13

And, behold, the glory of the God of Israel came ... and his voice was like a noise of many waters ... and I fell upon my face. Ezekiel 43:2-3

Behold, the glory of the LORD filled the house of the LORD: and I fell upon my face. Ezekiel 44:4

King Nebuchadnezzar fell upon his face, and worshiped Daniel. Daniel 2:46

I was afraid, and fell upon my face. Daniel 8:17

And when the disciples heard it, they fell on their face. Matthew 17:6

And he went a little farther, and fell on his face. Matthew 26:39

A man full of leprosy... fell on his face. Luke 5:12
And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, and with a loud voice glorified God, And fell down on his face at his feet, giving him thanks: and he was a Samaritan. Luke 17:15-16
All the angels ... and the four beasts ... fell before the throne on their faces. Revelation 7:11

The four and twenty elders ... fell upon their faces. Revelation 11:16

They rent their clothes.
Reuben returned unto the pit; and, behold, Joseph was not in the pit; and he rent his clothes. Genesis 37:29
And Jacob rent his clothes Genesis 37:34
They speedily took down every man his sack to the ground, and opened every man his sack ...  and the cup was found in Benjamin's sack. Then they rent their clothes. Genesis 44:12-13
And Joshua ... and Caleb ... rent their clothes. Numbers 14:6

Jephthah came to ... his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances ... And it came to pass, when he saw her, that he rent his clothes. Judges 11:34-35
Samuel ... laid hold upon the skirt of his mantle, and it rent. 1 Samuel 15:27-28
Then David took hold on his clothes, and rent them; and likewise all the men that were with him. 2 Samuel 1:11

David said to Joab, and to all the people that were with him, Rend your clothes. 2 Samuel 3:31
And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying. 2 Samuel 13:19
Then the king arose, and tare his garments, and lay on the earth; and all his servants stood by with their clothes rent. 2 Samuel 13:31
Ahijah caught the new garment that was on him, and rent it in twelve pieces ... for thus saith the LORD, the God of Israel, Behold, I will rend the kingdom out of the hand of Solomon. 1 Kings 11:30-31

When Ahab heard those words, that he rent his clothes. 1 Kings 21:27

And Elisha saw it, and he cried, My father, my father ... and he took hold of his own clothes, and rent them in two pieces. 2 Kings 2:12

When the king of Israel had read the letter ... he rent his clothes. 2 Kings 5:7

When Elisha the man of God had heard that the king of Israel had rent his clothes, that he sent to the king, saying, Wherefore hast thou rent thy clothes? 2 Kings 5:8

So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him. And it came to pass, when the king heard the words of the woman ... he rent his clothes. 2 Kings 6:30

When king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes. 2 Kings 19:1

When the king had heard the words of the book of the law, that he rent his clothes. 2 Kings 22:11

Because ... thou ... hast rent thy clothes ... I also have heard thee, saith the LORD. 2 Kings 22:19
 
Then Athaliah rent her clothes, and said, Treason, Treason. 2 Chronicles 23:13
Because thine heart was tender ... didst rend thy clothes, and weep before me; I have even heard thee also, saith the LORD. 2 Chronicles 34:27
Mordecai rent his clothes ... and went out into the midst of the city, and cried with a loud and a bitter cry. Esther 4:1

When they lifted up their eyes afar off ... they lifted up their voice, and wept; and they rent every one his mantle. Job 2:12

When king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes ... and went into the house of the LORD. Isaiah 37:1
There came certain from Shechem, from Shiloh, and from Samaria, even fourscore men, having their beards shaven, and their clothes rent, and having cut themselves, with offerings and incense in their hand, to bring them to the house of the LORD. Jeremiah 41:5
Then the high priest rent his clothes. Matthew 26:65, Mark 14:63
Therefore also now, saith the Lord ... ren your heart, and not your garments. Joel 2:12-13
When the apostles, Barnabas and Paul, heard of, they rent their clothes, and ran in among the people, crying out, and saying, Sirs, why do ye these things? Acts 14:4

The magistrates rent off their clothes, and commanded to beat them. Acts 16:22
They put sackcloth on their loins
Jacob ... put sackcloth upon his loins, and mourned for his son many days. Genesis 37:34
David said to Joab, and to all the people that were with him ... gird you with sackcloth. 2 Samuel 3:31
And his servants said unto him ... let us, I pray thee, put sackcloth on our loins, and ropes upon our heads ... So they girded sackcloth on their loins, and put ropes on their heads. 1 Kings 20:31-32
When Ahab heard those words, that he rent his clothes, and put sackcloth upon his flesh, and fasted, and lay in sackcloth, and went softly. 1 Kings 21:27
When the king heard the words of the woman ... he passed by upon the wall, and the people looked, and, behold, he had sackcloth within upon his flesh. 2 Kings 6:30
When king Hezekiah heard it, he ... covered himself with sackcloth, and went into the house of the LORD. 2 Kings 19:1
David and the elders of Israel ... were clothed in sackcloth. 1 Chronicles 21:16
Mordecai ... put on sackcloth with ashes, and went out into the midst of the city, and cried with a loud and a bitter cry. Esther 4:1
There was great mourning among the Jews, and fasting, and weeping, and wailing; and many lay in sackcloth and ashes. Esther 4:3
I have sewed sackcloth upon my skin, and defiled my horn in the dust. Job 16:15
I made sackcloth also my garment; and I became a proverb to them. Psalm 69:11
And it shall come to pass, that instead of sweet smell there shall be stink; and instead of a girdle a rent; and instead of well set hair baldness; and instead of a stomacher a girding of sackcloth. Isaiah 3:24
On all their heads shall be baldness, and every beard cut off ... they shall gird themselves with sackcloth ... every one shall howl, weeping abundantly. Isaiah 15:2-3
At the same time spake the LORD ... saying, Go and loose the sackcloth from off thy loins ... and he did so, walking naked. Isaiah 20:2
In that day did the Lord GOD of hosts call ... to girding with sackcloth. Isaiah 22:12
Tremble, ye women that are at ease; be troubled, ye careless ones: strip you, and make you bare, and gird sackcloth upon your loins. Isaiah 32: 11
When king Hezekiah heard it ... he ... covered himself with sackcloth, and went into the house of the LORD. Isaiah 37:1
Gird you with sackcloth, lament and howl: for the fierce anger of the LORD is not turned back from us. Jeremiah 4:8
Gird thee with sackcloth, and wallow thyself in ashes. Jeremiah 6:26
Every head shall be bald, and every beard clipped: upon all the hands shall be cuttings, and upon the loins sackcloth. Jeremiah 48:37
Gird you with sackcloth; lament, and run to and fro by the hedges. Jeremiah 49:3
The elders of the daughter of Zion sit upon the ground, and ... have girded themselves with sackcloth. Lamentation 2:10
They shall also gird themselves with sackcloth, and horror shall cover them; and shame shall be upon all faces, and baldness upon all their heads. Ezekiel 7:18
And they shall make themselves utterly bald for thee, and gird them with sackcloth, and they shall weep for thee with bitterness of heart and bitter wailing. Ezekiel 27:31
I set my face unto the Lord God ... with ... sackcloth, and ashes. Daniel 9:3
Lament like a virgin girded with sackcloth for the husband of her youth. Joel 1:8
Gird yourselves, and ... howl ... lie all night in sackcloth. Joel 1:13
I will turn your feasts into mourning, and all your songs into lamentation; and I will bring up sackcloth upon all loins, and baldness upon every head; and I will make it as the mourning of an only son, and the end thereof as a bitter day. Amos 8:10
So the people of Nineveh believed God ... and put on sackcloth, from the greatest of them even to the least of them. Jonah 3:5
The king of Nineveh ... laid his robe from him, and covered him with sackcloth, and sat in ashes. Jonah 3:6
Let man and beast be covered with sackcloth, and cry mightily unto God. Jonah 3:8
Woe unto thee, Chorazin! woe unto thee, Bethsaida! for if the mighty works, which were done in you, had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes. Matthew 11:4, Luke 10:13
I will give power unto my two witnesses, and they shall prophesy a thousand two hundred and threescore days, clothed in sackcloth..Revelation 11:3
And they put dust on their heads.
Joshua ... and the elders of Israel ... put dust upon their heads. Joshua 7:6
And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying. 2 Samuel 13:19
When they lifted up their eyes afar off, and knew him not, they lifted up their voice, and wept and ... sprinkled dust upon their heads. Job 2:12

The elders of the daughter of Zion sit upon the ground, and have cast up dust upon their heads. Lamentations 2:10

The mariners ... shall cast up dust upon their heads. Ezekiel 27:29-30

Roll thyself in the dust ... having thy shame naked. Micah 1:10-11

They cried out, and cast off their clothes, and threw dust into the air. Acts 22:22
Let me know if I left anything out.







Posted by Steve Wells at 4/27/2013 04:44:00 PM 9 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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22 April 2013Bill Maher: I am not an Islamophobe, I am a truth lover.



 Here's an excerpt.
Levin: It's not like it's people who are Muslim who do wacky things have a monopoly on it. We have hypocrites across faiths...
Maher: You know what, that is liberal bullshit right there.
Levin: There are no religious hypocrites? You made a career on that.
Maher: They're not as dangerous. There's only one only one faith, for example, that kills you, or wants to kill you, if you draw a bad cartoon of the prophet. There's only on faith that kills you, or wants to kill you, if you renounce the faith. An ex-Muslim is a very dangerous thing. Talk to Salman Rushdie after the show about Christian versus Islam.
Levin: I have a girl for you, Pam Geller, you can maybe meet.
Maher: I don't know what that means.
Levin: Well, she's an Islamophobe.
Maher: I'm not an Islamophobe, That's wrong. I am a truth lover. All religions are not alike.
Bill Maher is right: It's time to drop the liberal bullshit.
All religions are not the same. Let's stop pretending like they are.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/22/2013 10:17:00 AM 7 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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19 April 2013That they all may be one: John 17 and the futility of prayer
Jesus didn't pray much in the gospels, but in John 17, he really got carried away.
He goes on and on for 24 verses, asking his father to glorify him with the same glory that he had back before the universe was created.
These words spake Jesus, and lifted up his eyes to heaven, and said, Father, the hour is come; glorify thy Son ... And now, O Father, glorify thou me ... with the glory which I had with thee before the world was. John 17:1-5
It's pretty boring stuff, until he says this:
Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word;
That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.  John 17:20-23
From which we can conclude two things:
Nothing fails like prayer (even when Jesus does the praying), and
God didn't send Jesus.



Posted by Steve Wells at 4/19/2013 11:34:00 AM 3 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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07 April 2013The First Plague of Egypt: God forced the Egyptians to drink human blood



Okay, I could use some help with this one.
Remember the first of the famous ten plagues of Egypt? The plague of blood?
Well, I didn’t include it in God's killings since the text in Exodus didn't say that anyone died. But now I'm not so sure.

Here’s the story from Exodus 7.

God told Moses to tell Aaron to smite all the water in Egypt with his rod (the one that he previously turned into a serpent and then back into a rod in Exodus 7:9-12), which will change the water into blood.


And the LORD spake unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Take thy rod, and stretch out thine hand upon the waters of Egypt, upon their streams, upon their rivers, and upon their ponds, and upon all their pools of water, that they may become blood; and that there may be blood throughout all the land of Egypt; both in vessels of wood, and in vessels of stone. v.19
And Moses and Aaron did so, as the LORD commanded. v.20



And it worked as planned. The fish died, the river stank, and the Egyptians had no water to drink.


And the fish that was in the river died; and the river stank, and the Egyptians could not drink of the water of the river; and there was blood throughout all the land of Egypt. v.21



For seven days, apparently.


And seven days were fulfilled, after that the LORD had smitten the river. v.25




Which must have killed some people, since, even under the most favorable conditions, a person can’t survive for more than a few days without water.



And then there's this from the book of Wisdom.


Instead of a fountain of an ever running river, thou gavest human blood to the unjust ... shewing ... how thou ... didst kill their adversaries. Wisdom 11:7-9




Although it isn't entirely clear to me, this passage seems to refer to the first plague of Egypt.


Here's the helpful note from the Douay-Reims Bible.
God ... wrought a miracle to punish the Egyptians by thirst, when he turned all their waters into blood, (at which time the Israelites, who were exempt from those plagues, had plenty of water,) wrought another miracle in favour of his own people in their thirst, by giving them water out of the rock.
So the first plague involved human blood!
Where did God get so much blood? Enough blood to fill the Nile River?
Did God kill people just to use their blood in the first plague? Or did he create the human blood from scratch?
And since at least some of the Egyptians refused to drink the human blood that God provided, some of them must have died of thirst.
In any case, in one way or another, some Egyptians died in the first plague. But how many?
Let me know if you have any suggestions for arriving at an estimate.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/07/2013 07:17:00 PM 14 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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 25 May 2013Mosiah 22: The escape of the Nephites
Ammon and Lemhi decide to call a meeting of all the people. There was only one order of business: how to deliver themselves out of bondage.
And now it came to pass that Ammon and king Limhi began to consult with the people how they should deliver themselves out of bondage; and even they did cause that all the people should gather themselves together; and this they did that they might have the voice of the people concerning the matter. 22.1
After a lengthy discussion, they decided that the only option was to run away. (They tried fighting last chapter, remember?)
And it came to pass that they could find no way to deliver themselves out of bondage, except it were to take their women and children, and their flocks, and their herds, and their tents, and depart into the wilderness; for the Lamanites being so numerous, it was impossible for the people of Limhi to contend with them, thinking to deliver themselves out of bondage by the sword. 22.2
But they still needed a plan. Luckily, a man named Gideon had a great idea: to get the Lamanites drunk and escape through the back door. He explains it to us in the next 6 verses.

Now it came to pass that Gideon went forth and stood before the king, and said unto him: Now O king, thou hast hitherto hearkened unto my words many times when we have been contending with our brethren, the Lamanites. 22.3 
And now O king, if thou hast not found me to be an unprofitable servant, or if thou hast hitherto listened to my words in any degree, and they have been of service to thee, even so I desire that thou wouldst listen to my words at this time, and I will be thy servant and deliver this people out of bondage. 22.4
And the king granted unto him that he might speak. And Gideon said unto him: 22.5
Behold the back pass, through the back wall, on the back side of the city. The Lamanites, or the guards of the Lamanites, by night are drunken; therefore let us send a proclamation among all this people that they gather together their flocks and herds, that they may drive them into the wilderness by night. 22.6 
And I will go according to thy command and pay the last tribute of wine to the Lamanites, and they will be drunken; and we will pass through the secret pass on the left of their camp when they are drunken and asleep. 22.7 
Thus we will depart with our women and our children, our flocks, and our herds into the wilderness; and we will travel around the land of Shilom.  22.8

So that's what they did. King Limhi followed Gideon's plan, and everything went off without a hitch. And after many days of wandering in the wilderness, they arrived at the land of Zarahemla and joined Mosiah's people.
And it came to pass that the king hearkened unto the words of Gideon. 22.9
And king Limhi caused that his people should gather their flocks together; and he sent the tribute of wine to the Lamanites; and he also sent more wine, as a present unto them; and they did drink freely of the wine which king Limhi did send unto them. 22.10 
And it came to pass that the people of king Limhi did depart by night into the wilderness with their flocks and their herds, and they went round about the land of Shilom in the wilderness, and bent their course towards the land of Zarahemla, being led by Ammon and his brethren. 22.11 
And they had taken all their gold, and silver, and their precious things, which they could carry, and also their provisions with them, into the wilderness; and they pursued their journey. 22.12
And after being many days in the wilderness they arrived in the land of Zarahemla, and joined Mosiah's people, and became his subjects. 22.13 
And it came to pass that Mosiah received them with joy; and he also received their records, and also the records which had been found by the people of Limhi. 22.14
When the Lamanites woke up from their hangover, they sent out an army after the Nephites. After two days of pursuit, the army gets lost in the wilderness.
And now it came to pass when the Lamanites had found that the people of Limhi had departed out of the land by night, that they sent an army into the wilderness to pursue them; 22.15 
And after they had pursued them two days, they could no longer follow their tracks; therefore they were lost in the wilderness. 22.16


If I was etching this story onto brass plates, I probably would have paraphrased Mosiah 22 like this:
THE NEPHITES GOT THE LAMANITES DRUNK AND LEFT OUT THE BACK DOOR
But that's just lazy. 
Posted by Philip Wells at 5/25/2013 04:30:00 PM 1 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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22 May 2013Bill Maher: Christian Rock Blows Hard (with Bible verses)

New rule: If you're a Christian heavy metal singer, like this clod is, and you're accused of hiring a guy to kill your wife, as this clod was, you have to admit you're really just a regular heavy metal singer.
C'mon dude, read your bible. God says you're not allowed to kill your wife.
Unless she's gay
Their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature ... They which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them. Romans 1:24-32
If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13
(In the spirit of the law this would probably apply to lesbians too.)
cheating
And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. Leviticus 20:10
a witch
Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. Exodus 22:18
(Exodus 22:19 is listed, but that refers to women that have sex with animals.)
a fortune teller
A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:27 (Not on Bill Maher's list, but would probably apply to fortune tellers.)
not a virgin
And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire. Leviticus 21:9
If ... the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:20-21
worshiping another god
Whosoever would not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman. 2 Chronicles 15:13
If thou shalt hear say in one of thy cities ... men [or women] ... saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which ye have not known ... Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword. Deuteronomy 13:12-15
If there be found among you, within any of thy gates which the LORD thy God giveth thee, man or woman, that ... hath gone and served other gods, and worshipped them ... Then shalt thou bring forth that man or that woman, which have committed that wicked thing, unto thy gates, even that man or that woman, and shalt stone them with stones, till they die. Deuteronomy 17:2-5
worshiping no god
Whosoever would not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman. 2 Chronicles 15:13
cursing her dad
Whoso curseth his [or her] father or his mother, his [or her] lamp shall be put out in obscure darkness. Proverbs 20:20 (Not highlighted in the SAB. I need to add this one. Thanks Bill!)
For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him. Leviticus 20:9
hitting her dad
He [or she] that smiteth his [or her] father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death. Exodus 21:15
ignoring a priest
The man [or woman, I suppose] that ... will not hearken unto the priest ... or unto the judge, even that man shall die. Deuteronomy 17:12
approaching a tabernacle
Those to encamp before the tabernacle ... were Moses and Aaron and his sons ... any one else who came near was to be put to death. Numbers 3:38 (Revised Standard Version) [Not on the Maher's list, but probably applies.]
or working on Sunday.
My sabbaths ye shall keep: for it is a sign between me and you throughout your generations ... Ye shall keep the sabbath ... every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death. Exodus 31:13-14
Otherwise hands off.
Oh, and Ecclesias [Ecclesiastes] says, "the wind continually blows."
The wind ... whirleth about continually. Ecclesisates 1:6
But not as hard as Christian rock.
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/22/2013 11:46:00 AM 6 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Mosiah 21: The Lord did not see fit to deliver them out of bondage
Poor Limhi couldn't catch a break. After the incident with the stolen Lamanite daughters, he made an agreement with the Lamanite king. Apparently he wasn't specific enough, because soon after the Lamanites were surrounding them on all sides, putting heavy burdens on their backs and treating them like dumb-asses.
And it came to pass that after many days the Lamanites began again to be stirred up in anger against the Nephites, and they began to come into the borders of the land round about. Mosiah 21.2
Now they durst not slay them, because of the oath which their king had made unto Limhi; but they would smite them on their cheeks, and exercise authority over them; and began to put heavy burdens upon their backs, and drive them as they would a dumb ass. 21.3
Of course, the Nephites didn't like this at all. They asked Limhi if they could go to war with the Lamanites. Like any good leader, he said, "Okay, sure, yeah, whatever you want to do."
And it came to pass that the people began to murmur with the king because of their afflictions; and they began to be desirous to go against them to battle. And they did afflict the king sorely with their complaints; therefore he granted unto them that they should do according to their desires. 21.6
It didn't go too well.
 21:8 And it came to pass that the Lamanites did beat them, and drove them back, and slew many of them.
The battle left many widows, who cried mightily from day to day. Their cries eventually stirred up the Nephites, and made them want to fight again.
 Now there were a great many widows in the land, and they did cry mightily from day to day, for a great fear of the Lamanites had come upon them. 21.10
And it came to pass that their continual cries did stir up the remainder of the people of Limhi to anger against the Lamanites. 21.11a
They lost, again.
and they went again to battle, but they were driven back again, suffering much loss. 21.11b
Then they tried again, just for good measure.
Yea, they went again even the third time, and suffered in the like manner; and those that were not slain returned again to the city of Nephi. 21.12
The surviving Nephites submitted themselves fully to the Lamanites, and cried to God for help. He was slow to hear their cries, but he heard them. He decided to soften the hearts of the Lamanites a bit, but he didn't see fit to deliver them out of bondage.

And they did humble themselves even to the dust, subjecting themselves to the yoke of bondage, submitting themselves to be smitten, and to be driven to and fro, and burdened, according to the desires of their enemies. 21.13
And they did humble themselves even in the depths of humility; and they did cry mightily to God; yea, even all the day long did they cry unto their God that he would deliver them out of their afflictions. 21.14
And now the Lord was slow to hear their cry because of their iniquities; nevertheless the Lord did hear their cries, and began to soften the hearts of the Lamanites that they began to ease their burdens; yet the Lord did not see fit to deliver them out of bondage. 21.15
So the Nephites pulled themselves up by their bootstraps, and started prospering again.
And it came to pass that they began to prosper by degrees in the land, and began to raise grain more abundantly, and flocks, and herds, that they did not suffer with hunger. 21.16
King Limhi set guards around the city to catch the wicked priests. (Lately the priests had been stealing their grain, and Limhi was still angry about the whole virgin daughter incident.) The guards mistook Ammon and his bretheren for the priests, and they bound the group and took them to King Limhi.
And he caused that his people should watch the land round about, that by some means they might take those priests that fled into the wilderness, who had stolen the daughters of the Lamanites, and that had caused such a great destruction to come upon them. 21.20
And the king having been without the gates of the city with his guard, discovered Ammon and his brethren; and supposing them to be priests of Noah therefore he caused that they should be taken, and bound, and cast into prison. And had they been the priests of Noah he would have caused that they should be put to death. 21.23
Ammon told Limhi who he was, and about Mosiah, and how he could read plates. Limhi was especially excited about this. He had previously sent a search party to Zarahemla, but they got lost in a ghost-town and they returned with a set of ore plates that Limhi had been wanting to read for years.

But when he found that they were not, but that they were his brethren, and had come from the land of Zarahemla, he was filled with exceedingly great joy. 21.24
Now king Limhi had sent, previous to the coming of Ammon, a small number of men to search for the land of Zarahemla; but they could not find it, and they were lost in the wilderness. 21.25
Nevertheless, they did find a land which had been peopled; yea, a land which was covered with dry bones; yea, a land which had been peopled and which had been destroyed; and they, having supposed it to be the land of Zarahemla, returned to the land of Nephi, having arrived in the borders of the land not many days before the coming of Ammon. 21.26
And they brought a record with them, even a record of the people whose bones they had found; and it was engraven on plates of ore. 21.27
And now Limhi was again filled with joy in learning from the mouth of Ammon that king Mosiah had a gift from God, whereby he could interpret such engravings; yea, and Ammon also did rejoice. 21.28
He even wanted to be baptized by Ammon, but Ammon refused.
And it came to pass that king Limhi and many of his people were desirous to be baptized; but there was none in the land that had authority from God. And Ammon declined doing this thing, considering himself an unworthy servant. 21.33
So instead of baptism, they focused on how to free themselves from the Lamanites.
And now all the study of Ammon and his people, and king Limhi and his people, was to deliver themselves out of the hands of the Lamanites and from bondage. 21.36

Posted by Philip Wells at 5/22/2013 11:24:00 AM 3 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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19 May 2013Oh! Susanna
Chapter 13 in the book of Daniel tells the story of Susanna. Don’t look for it in the Protestant Bible, though. They left it out for some reason. They just don’t know what they’re missing.
The story begins with a man named Joakim and his beautiful wife, Susanna.
Now there was a man that dwelt in Babylon, and his name was Joakim: And he took a wife whose name was Susanna ... a very beautiful woman, and one that feared God. Daniel 13:1-2
Joachim was a rich man with an orchard near his house.
Now Joakim was very rich, and had an orchard near his house. 13:4
A couple of old judges liked to hang out there, just to get a glimpse of Susanna.
There were two of the ancients of the people appointed judges that year … These men frequented the house of Joakim.
Susanna ... walked in her husband' s orchard … And the old men saw her ... walking: and they were inflamed with lust towards her … And they watched carefully every day to see her. 13:5-10
On one hot day, Susanna went into the orchard to take a bath. And, as usual, the old men were hiding there to watch.
It fell out, as they watched a fit day, she went ... to wash herself in the orchard: for it was hot weather. And there was nobody there, but the two old men that had hid themselves and were beholding her. 13:15-16
When the dirty old men saw Susanna, they ran to her and said, “We’re in love with you. Let’s have sex.”
The two elders arose, and ran to her, and said: Behold the doors of the orchard are shut, and nobody seeth us, and we are in love with thee: wherefore consent to us, and lie with us. 13:19-20

If she refused, they would claim to have witnessed her having sex with a young man.
But if thou wilt not, we will bear witness against thee, that a young man was with thee. 13:21
After hearing that, Susanna started screaming and both elders did likewise.
With that Susanna cried out with a loud voice: and the elders also cried out against her. 13:24
When the everyone heard the screaming, they came to see what was up. And the old men accused Susanna of having sex with a young man.
The two elders rising up in the midst of the people … said: As we walked in the orchard alone, this woman came in with two maids, and shut the doors of the orchard, and sent away the maids from her. Then a young man that was there hid came to her, and lay with her. 13:34-37
They all believed them and condemned Susanna to death.
The multitude believed them as being the elders and the judges of the people, and they condemned her to death. 13:41
But then, just at the last minute, the Lord raised up the holy spirit of a young boy, whose name was Daniel.
And when she was led to be put to death, the Lord raised up the holy spirit of a young boy, whose name was Daniel. 13:45
Daniel, with the help of the holy spirit, knew just what to do. Interrogate each of the old men separately.
Daniel said to the people: Separate these two far from one another, and I will examine them. 13:51
So that’s what he did.
Daniel asked the first old guy, under pain of being cut in two, “Under what tree did you see the Susanna and the young man conversing?”
So when they were put asunder one from the other, he called one of them, and said to him ... if thou sawest her, tell me under what tree thou sawest them conversing together. 13:52-54a
He answered, under a mastic tree.
He said. Under a mastic tree. And Daniell said: Well hast thou lied against thy own head: for behold the angel of God having received the sentence of him, shall cut thee in two. 13:54b-55
Then he asked the second old lecher the same question.
And ... he commanded that the other should come, and he said ... tell me, under what tree didst thou take them conversing together. 13:56-58a
He answered, “Under a holm tree.”
And he answered: Under a holm tree. And Daniel said to him: Well hast thou also lied against thy own head: for the angel of the Lord waiteth with a sword to cut thee in two, and to destroy you. 13:58b-59
When the people heard that, they all screamed, blessed God, and killed the two dirty old men, presumably by cutting each of them into two pieces -- just as Daniel said under the inspiration of the holy spirit.
With that all the assembly cried out with a loud voice, and they blessed God And they rose up against the two elders ... and they put them to death. 13:60-62
And Daniel, who was already great, became even greater in the sight of all the people from that day forward.
And Daniel became great in the sight of the people from that day, and thenceforward. 13:64
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/19/2013 07:01:00 PM 6 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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17 May 2013How many has God killed? Complete list and estimated total (Including Apocryphal killings)
Drunk With Blood Audiobook: Introduction
I kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and mine sword shall devour flesh. -- Deuteronomy 32:39-42
The table shows two numbers: the number given by the Bible, if any, and an estimate, when no biblical number is available.
Total number killed by God in the Bible
- Using biblical numbers only: 2,821,364
 - With estimates: 25 million
(The table has been updated to include God's killings in the Apocrypha/Deuterocanonical books. I'll be adding the missing Apocryphal stories in the next few days.)
Killing Event Reference Bible's Number Estimate
1 The Flood of Noah Gen 7:23  20,000,000
2 Abraham's war to rescue Lot Gen 14:17-19  1,000
3 Sodom and Gomorrah Gen 19:24  2,000
4 Lot's wife Gen 19:26 1 1
5 While they were sore, Dinah's brethren slew all the males Gen 34:1-31, Judith 9:2-3 2 1,000
6 Er for being wicked in the sight of the Lord Gen 38:7 1 1
7 Onan for spilling his seed Gen 38:10 1 1
8 A seven year worldwide famine Gen 41:25-54  70,000
9 There will be blood: The first plague of Egypt Ex 7:15-27 , Wis 11:7-8  10,000
10 The seventh plague: hail Ex 9:25  300,000
11 Firstborn Egyptian children Ex 12:29-30  500,000
12 The Lord took off their chariot wheels Ex 14:8-26 600 5,000
13 Amalekites Ex 17:13  1,000
14 Who is on the Lord's side?: Forcing friends and family to kill each other Ex 32:27-28 3,000 3,000
15 Aaron's golden calf Ex 32:35  1,000
16 God burns Aaron's sons to death for offering "strange fire" Lev 10:1-3 2 2
17 A blasphemer is stoned to death Lev 24:10-23 1 1
18 When the people complained, God burned them to death Num 11:1  100
19 While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them will a very great plague Num 11:33  10,000
20 Ten scouts are killed for their honest report Num 14:35-45 10 110
21 A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day is stoned to death Num 15:32-35 1 1
22 Korah, his companions, and their families are buried alive Num 16:27 3 9
23 God burns 250 people to death for burning incense Num 16:35 250 250
24 God kills 14,700 for complaining about God's killings Num 16:49 14,700 14,700
25 The massacre of the Aradies Num 21:1-2  3,000
26 God sent serpents to bite people for complaining about the lack of food and water Num 21:6  100
27 Phineas's double murder: A killing to end God's killing Num 25:1-11 24,002 24,002
28 The Midianite massacre: Have ye saved all the women alive? Num 31:1-35 6 200,000
29 God slowly killed the Israelite army Dt 2:14-16  500,000
30 God the giant killer Dt 2:21-22  5,000
31 God hardens King Sihon's heart so all his people can be killed Dt 2:33-34 1 5,000
32 Og and all the men women, and children in 60 cities Dt 3:6 1 60,000
33 The Jericho massacre Jos 6:21  1,000
34 Achan and his family Jos 7:10-26 1 5
35 The Ai massacre Jos 8:1-25 12,000 12,000
36 God stops the sun so Joshua can get his killing done in the daylight Jos 10:10-11  5,000
37 Five kings killed and hung on trees Jos 10:26 5 10,000
38 Joshua utterly destroyed all that breathed as the Lord commanded Jos 10:28-42 7 7,000
39 The genocide of twenty cities: There was not any left to breathe Jos 11:8-12 2 20,000
40 The Anakim: some more giant killing Jos 11:20-21  5,000
41 The Lord delivered the Canaanites and Perizzites Jg 1:4 10,000 10,000
42 The Jerusalem massacre Jg 1:8  1,000
43 Five massacres, a wedding, and God-proof iron chariots Jg 1:9-25  5,000
44 The Lord delivered Chushanrishathaim Jg 3:7-10 1 1,000
45 Ehud delivers a message from God Jg 3:15-22 1 1
46 God delivers 10,000 lusty Moabites Jg 3:28-29 10,000 10,000
47 Shamgar killed 60 Philistines with an ox goad Jg 3:31 600 600
48 Barak and God massacre the Canaanites Jg 4:15-16  1,000
49 Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man's skull Jg 4:18-22 1 1
50 Gideon's story: The Lord set every man's sword against his fellow Jg 7:22 120,000 120,000
51 A city is massacred and 1000 burn to death because of God's evil spirit Jg 9:23-27 1,001 2,000
52 The Ammonite massacre Jg 11:32-33  20,000
53 Jephthah's daughter Jg 11:39 1 1
54 42,000 die for failing the "shibboleth" test Jg 12:4-7 42,000 42,000
55 Samson murdered 30 men for their clothes Jg 14:19 30 30
56 Samson killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass Jg 15:14-15 1,000 1,000
57 Samson killed 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack Jg 16:27-30 3,000 3,000
58 A holy civil war (it had something to do with rotting concubine body part messages) Jg 20:35-37 65,100 65,100
59 The end of Judges: two genocides and 200 stolen virgins Jg 21:10-14  4,000
60 God killed Eli's sons and 34,000 Israelite soldiers 1 Sam 2:25, 4:11 34,002 34,002
61 God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts 1 Sam 5:1-12  3,000
62 50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord 1 Sam 6:19 50,070 50,070
63 The Lord thundered a great thunder upon the Philistines 1 Sam 7:10-11  1,000
64 Another Ammonite massacre (and another God-inspired body part message) 1 Sam 11:6-13  1,000
65 Jonathan's first slaughter 1 Sam 14:12-14 20 20
66 God forces the Philistines to kill each other 1 Sam 14:20  1,000
67 The Amalekite genocide 1 Sam  15:2-3  10,000
68 Samuel hacks Agag to death before the Lord 1 Sam 15:32-33 1 1
69 In the valley of Elah: Goliath 1 Sam 17:51, 2 Sam 21:19 1 1
70 David buys a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins 1 Sam  18:27 200 200
71 The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines 1 Sam 23:2-5  10,000
72 God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff) 1 Sam 25:38 1 1
73 David commits random acts of genocide for the Philistines 1 Sam 27:8-11  60,000
74 David spends the day killing Amalekites 1 Sam 30:17  1,000
75 God kills Saul, his sons, and his soldiers (because Saul didn't kill all the Amalekites) 1 Sam 31:2, 2 Chr 10:6 4 100
76 David kills the messenger 2 Sam 1:15 1 1
77 David killed, mutilated, and hung Rechab and Baanah 2 Sam 4:12 2 2
78 God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear 2 Sam 5:19-25  2,000
79 God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling 2 Sam 6:6-7, 1 Chr 13:9-10 1 1
80 David killed two-thirds of the Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest 2 Sam 8:2  667
81 And the Lord gave David victory wherever he went 2 Sam 8 - 10 65,850 66,850
82 David killed every male in Edom 2 Sam 8:13-14, 1 Kg 11:15-16, 1 Chr 18:12, Ps 60:1 15,000 25,000
83 Thus did David do to all the children of Ammon 2 Sam 11:1, 1 Chr 20:1  1,000
84 God slowly kills a baby 2 Sam 12:14-18 1 1
85 Seven sons of Saul are hung up before the Lord 2 Sam 21:1-9 7 3,000
86 David's mighty men and their amazing killings 2 Sam 23, 1 Chr 11 1,403 3,400
87 God killed 70,000 because of David had a census that God (or Satan) told him to do 2 Sam 24:15, 1 Chr 21:14 70,000 200,000
88 Solomon murdered Job and Shimei (per David's deathbed wish) 1 Kg 2:29-46 2 2
89 A tale of two prophets 1 Kg 13:11-24 1 1
90 Jeroboam's son: God kills another child 1 Kg 14:17 1 1
91 Jeroboam's family 1 Kg 15:29  10
92 Baasha's family and friends 1 Kg 16:11-12  20
93 Zimri burns to death 1 Kg 16:18-19 1 1
94 The drought of Elijah 1 Kg 17:1, Luke 4:25, James 5:17-18  3,000
95 Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest 1 Kg 18:22-40 450 450
96 The first God-assisted slaughter of the Syrians 1 Kg 20:20-21  10,000
97 God killed 100,000 Syrians for calling him a god of the hills 1 Kg 20:28-29 100,000 100,000
98 God killed 27,000 Syrians by making a wall fall on them 1 Kg 20:30 27,000 27,000
99 God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet 1 Kg 20:35-36 1 1
100 God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king 1 Kg 20:42, 22:35 1 1
101 God burned 102 men to death for asking Elijah to come down from his hill 2 Kg 1:10-12 102 102
102 God killed Ahaziah for asking the wrong God 2 Kg 1:16-17, 2 Chr 22:7-9 1 1
103 God sent bears to kill 42 boys for making fun of a prophet's bald head 2 Kg 2:23-24 42 42
104 The Lord delivered the Moabites 2 Kg 3:18-25  5,000
105 A skeptic is trampled to death 2 Kg 7:2-20 1 1
106 God's seven year famine 2 Kg 8:1  7,000
107 Jehoram of Israel 2 Kg 9:24 1 1
108 Jezebel 2 Kg 9:33-37 1 1
109 Ahab's sons: 70 heads in two baskets 2 Kg 10:6-10 70 70
110 Ahab's hometown family, friends, and priests 2 Kg 10:11  20
111 Jehu killed Ahaziah's family 2 Kg 10:12-13, 2 Chr 22:7-9 42 42
112 Jehu and his partner kill the rest of Ahab's family 2 Kg 10:17  20
113 Jehu assembled the followers of Baal and then slaughtered them all 2 Kg 10:18-25  1,000
114 Mattan the priest of Baal and Queen Athaliah 2 Kg 11:17-20 2 2
115 God sent lions to eat those who didn't fear him enough 2 Kg 17:25-26  10
116 An angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers 2 Kg 19:34, 37:36 185,000 185,000
117 God caused King Sennacherib to be killed by his sons 2 Kg 19:37, Tobit 1:21 1 1
118 Josiah killed all the priests of the high places 2 Kg 23:20  100
119 Just another holy war 1 Chr 5:18-22  50,000
120 God killed a half million Israelite soldiers 2 Chr 13:17-18 500,000 500,000
121 Jeroboam 2 Chr 13:20 1 1
122 God killed a million Ethiopians 2 Chr 14:9-14 1,000,000 1,000,000
123 Friendly fire: God forced "a great multitude" to kill each other 2 Chr 20:22-25  30,000
124 God made Jehoram's bowels fall out 2 Chr 21:14-19 1 1
125 God killed Jehoram's sons 2 Chr 22:1  3
126 Ahaziah of Judah 2 Chr 22:7-8 1 1
127 Joash, the princes, and army of Judah 2 Chr 24:20-25 1 10,000
128 God destroyed Amaziah 2 Chr 25:15-27 1 1,000
129 God smote Ahaz with the king of Syria 2 Chr 28:1-5 1 10,000
130 God killed 120,000 valiant men for forsaking him 2 Chr 28:6 120,000 120,000
131 The fall of Jerusalem 2 Chr 36:16-17  10,000
132 The Purim killings: God hath done these things Esther 2 - 9, 10:4 75,813 75,813
133 God and Satan kill Job's children and slaves Job 1:18-19 10 60
134 Hananiah Jer 28:15-16 1 1
135 Ezekiel's wife Ezek 24:15-18 1 1
136 Oh! Susanna Dan 13:6-62 2 2
137 Judith is blessed above all women (for cutting off a sleeping man's head) Judith 13:6-10 1 1
138 The Judith massacre: hang ye up this head upon our walls Judith 15:1-6  1,000
139 Mathathias's double murder 1 Mac 2:24-25 2 2
140 Mathathias and his friends slay the wicked sinners 1 Mac 2:44  100
141 God killed Andronicus, the sacrilegious wretch 2 Mac 4:38 1 1
142 A Jewish mob killed Lysimachus, the sacrilegious fellow 2 Mac 4:42 1 1
143 God helped Judas Machabeus destroy the wicked 1 Mac 3:1-26, 2 Mac 8:5-6 800 4,900
144 Judas and his unarmed men kill 3000 of Gorgias's soldiers 1 Mac 3:44-4:24 3,000 3,000
145 The Hanukkah killings 1 Mac 4:34-5:7 5,000 17,000
146 The Machabees brothers slaughter the heathens 1 Mac 5:21-51 11,000 37,000
147 Nicanor's army: The Almighty being their helper, they slew above nine thousand men 1 Mac 7:32-47, 2 Mac 8:24, 15:27 147,002 147,002
148 Jonathan and Simon destroy the wicked out of Israel 1 Mac  9:46-49, 2 Mac  8:30-33, 10:61 1,000 1,200
149 Five heavenly horsemen cast darts and fireballs at the enemy 2 Mac 8:32-10:38 21,103 21,400
150 God killed Antiochus with an incurable bowel disease 2 Mac 9:5-28 1 1
151 Idumeans, traitors, and Jews in two towers 2 Mac 10:16-17 40,000 40,100
152 Nicanor's head: A manifest sign of the help of God 1 Mac 7:33-48, 2 Mac  15:1-35 35,000 35,000
153 Aliens at Cades 1 Mac 11:74 3,000 3,000
154 John burns to death 2000 in the tower of Azotus 1 Mac 16:10 2,000 2,000
155 God sent wasps to slowly destroy people Wisdom 11:7-8  1,000
156 Ananias and Sapphira Acts 5:5-10 2 2
157 Herod Aggripa Acts 12:23 1 1
158 Jesus Rom 8:32, 1 Pet 1:1820 1 1
 Totals 2,821,364 24,994,828
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/17/2013 07:46:00 PM 162 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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 24 June 2013Can I get an Amen for Jerry DeWitt?
Last October, I was lucky enough to hear Jerry DeWitt speak (preach, actually) at the Freedom From Religion Foundation convention in Porland , Oregon. Iit was an experience I'll never forget. If he'd had an altar call, I'd have gone up.
We need more of this. We need more atheist preachers!
Yesterday, Jerry delivered a sermon at the first "full-fledged atheist church" in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. There are youtube videos (part 1 and part 2), but the quality is a bit too poor to get full effect of his preaching.
So here's Jerry's Easter sermon at the American Atheist convention instead. Enjoy!
 

BTW, I pre-ordered Jerry's new book (Hope after Faith) and I was told yesterday that it has shipped. As soon as I get it I'm going read it. And when I do, I'll let you know what I think.
 But don't wait for that. Buy it now. You can have faith in Jerry!

Posted by Steve Wells at 6/24/2013 08:53:00 AM 3 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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21 June 2013Douglas Wilson: Casting the first (and only) stone
Poor Doug Wilson. He has no one to throw stones with anymore.
Here is what he said in a recent post about the Exodus International affair.
I need to say a quick something about Exodus International shutting down, as they did so with apologies extended to gays and lesbians who had been harmed by their reparative therapy.
Here is how one news story put it:
“Exodus is an institution in the conservative Christian world, but we’ve ceased to be a living, breathing organism,” Alan Chambers, president of Exodus, said in a statement. “For quite some time we’ve been imprisoned in a worldview that’s neither honoring toward our fellow human beings, nor biblical.”
I want first to note the obvious thing about this ... this is a capitulation, a collapse, an apostasy, a travesty, and a moon crater. This is an instance of an organization that existed to call men and women to biblical repentance, and has wound up repenting of their belief in the need for any such repentance. So here is the first lesson — never repent of repenting. Bad idea.
...
In my mind’s eye, I can see when Lot was leaving Sodom, how there was a group of men at the city limits laughing at him. “You know,” they said, “you’re on the wrong side of history.” Lot’s wife nodded slightly, wishing she had married that Chambers fellow instead.
And here's my comment on his blog:
Yes, you’re pretty much all alone now, Douglas. No one else is willing to apply the biblical law to homosexuals.
It didn’t use to be that way though. Not too long ago that verse was loudly and unashamedly proclaimed at Credenda Agenda [produced by Pastor Wilson's church]. Here, for example, is a quote from Magestralis. (Your Eye Shall Not Pity, Greg Dickison, 1999, Vol. 3)
“Capital crimes, for example, include premeditated killing (murder), kidnapping, sorcery, bestiality, adultery, homosexuality, and cursing one’s parents (Ex. 21:14; 21:16;22:18;22:19; Lev. 20:10; 20:13; Ex. 21:17).”
But you have to go to the wayback machine to find quotes like that anymore. No one is willing to even say aloud the words of Leviticus 20:13.
I guess it’s up to you to throw the first (and only) stone.
I haven't yet got a response from Mr. Wilson. But if I do, I'll let you know what he says.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/21/2013 11:09:00 AM 7 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Mr. Deity and the Flood
Absurdification is the bedrock upon which faith is built.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/21/2013 07:52:00 AM 1 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 June 2013Glenn Beck cites Moroni 9 saying, "If you ever hear me mention the Book of Mormon on the air, we are at the end."

I happen to believe in another book, called the Book of Mormon, and in it at the very end, it is a story about the Americas, and it's only a story of "Watch for these things." It is really a calendar. That's all it is, a calendar. "Watch for these things and you will know what season you're in.
Towards the very end, one of the last books, it talks about, everything is to repeat itself,  how the enemies that they were up against at that time were into cannibalism. And they were eating people as a sign of bravery and courage. And when I saw the video of, two videos, one in Russia, where the Russian rebels are eating people, the Russian drug lords are actually eating their enemies.
Now who is tied to the Russians?  The Russians are tied to the same people in Syria. And we are also tying ourselves to the other side in Syria. And I saw the video of a soldier in the groups that we are arming stand on the battlefield and cut the chest open and take a heart, a beating heart, out of a dead body--cut him open and cut it out and eat it, and use it as courage, I thought to myself I know this calendar, I've seen this movie before.
I warn you, we are in very dangerous times. We are living in biblical times.
I told my staff a long time ago, when you hear me start talking about God, you'll know we're in a different DEFCON level. When you start hearing me use the words "Jesus Christ" on the air--because I know what it does to my popularity. I know what it does. And I know how it makes you into a crazy Christian kook. And I said we will be in a much different DEFCON level when I start saying "Jesus Christ" and quoting the Bible.
If you ever hear me mention the Book of Mormon on the air, we are at the end. And I am sorry to say that I feel we are now at the place to where you better have your house in order.
So get your house in order because Glenn Beck mentioned the Book of Mormon on the air!
But when Glenn Beck watched the cannibal videos, what Book of Mormon passage did it bring to his fervid mind? What was the movie that he had seen before? What day is it now on the Book of Mormon calendar? And what DEFCON level are we now living in?
It's all there in Moroni 9, the penultimate chapter of the last book of the Book of Mormon.
They feed the women upon the flesh of their husbands, and the children upon the flesh of their fathers...
And notwithstanding this great abomination of the Lamanites, it doth not exceed that of our people in Moriantum. For behold, many of the daughters of the Lamanites have they taken prisoners; and after depriving them of that which was most dear and precious above all things, which is chastity and virtue --
And after they had done this thing, they did murder them in a most cruel manner, torturing their bodies even unto death; and after they have done this, they devour their flesh like unto wild beasts, because of the hardness of their hearts; and they do it for a token of bravery. Moroni 9:8-10
The Lamanites killed and ate the Nephites. And the Nephites deprived the Lamanite women of "that which is most dear and precious above all things" (their virginity).
Don't you see? Everything repeats itself in the Book of Mormon. It's a calendar, just like Glenn Beck said.
The Russian rebels and the Syrian rebels are cannibals (Glenn Beck watched the movies), just like (well, sort of like, anyway) the Lamanites and the Nephites in the Book of Mormon.
So now you know. It's DEFCON 1 (nuclear war is imminent) and we're living in biblical (and Book of Mormon) times.
Today is Moroni 9 on Glenn Beck's calendar and tomorrow is Jeremiah 19:9.



Posted by Steve Wells at 6/18/2013 10:08:00 AM 4 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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 27 July 2013God's design for marriage
Focus on the Family has a set of web pages entitled God's design for marriage, which got me thinking.
According to the Bible, what was God's original plan for marriage and how did it changed over time? So I thought I'd try to figure that out. Here's what I came up with.

God's original plan was for Adam to select an animal for a "help meet" (spouse).
God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam. Genesis 2:18-19
God created several million species of animals for one purpose and one purpose only: to find a spouse for Adam. God hoped Adam would find one or more of these animals attractive enough to marry. But it didn't work out as planned.
But for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. 2:20
So God made a woman out of Adam's rib.
The LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. 2:21-22
 Very resourceful!
But this didn't work out too well either. Men liked women so much that they decided that if one was good, two would be even better. So God made rules for "taking" a second wife.
If he take him another wife.... Exodus 21:10
Often men liked one of their wives better than another, so God had to provide rules for men who had two wives, "one beloved, and another hated."
If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated.... Deuteronomy 21:15
And sometimes a man married a woman only to decide on his wedding night that he hated her. To deal with that situation, God came up with this plan:
The husband can claim she wasn't a virgin when they were married. Then if her father can't produce the "tokens of her virginity" (bloody sheets), God's plan called for the woman to be stoned to death at her father's doorstep.
If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her. And say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And ... say ... these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. But if ... the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel, Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:13-21
And men sometimes forced women to have sex with them. So God had to make rules for that, too.
If you "entice" an "unmarried maid" to "lie" with you, then you must marry her, unless the father refuses to give her to you, in which case you must pay him the going price for virgins.
If a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife. If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins." Exodus 22:16-17
If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife." Deuteronomy 22:28-29
And then God had to decide what to do with women during holy wars.
If you see a pretty woman among the captives and would like her for a wife, then just bring her home and "go in unto her." Later, if you decide you don't like her, you can "let her go."
When thou goest forth to war ... and the LORD thy God hath delivered them into thine hands ... And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife; Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house ... and ... thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife. And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go. Deuteronomy 21:10-13
Since these marriage rules are often confusing, God provided holy examples for men to follow. The best and surest example, of course, is David, a man after God's own heart.
From David we know that it is perfectly acceptable for a man to:
Buy a wife with 200 foreskins.
David arose and went ... and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David. 1 Samuel 18:27-28
Get a wife by asking God to kill her husband.
The LORD smote Nabal, that he died. And when David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, Blessed be the LORD ... And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife ... And Abigail hasted ... and became his wife. 1 Samuel 25:38-42
If you're lucky, God may even give you another man's wives, as he gave David Saul's wives.
Thus saith the Lord God of Israel, I anointed thee king over Israel ... and I gave thee ... thy master's wives. 2 Samuel 12:7-8
But you must be careful. If you are unfaithful to your wives, God may punish you by having your wives raped by your own son while everyone else watches.
Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house,and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun. 2 Samuel 12:11
Ahithophel said unto Absalom, Go in unto thy father's concubines ... So they spread Absalom a tent upon the top of the house; and Absalom went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel." 2 Samuel 16: 21-22
Of course, some men will want to have more than two wives. God is okay with that.
Go ahead. Wax mighty and have 14 wives.
But Abijah waxed mighty, and married fourteen wives 2 Chronicles 13:21
Or, what the heck, have 700 wives and 300 concubines.
He [Solomon] had seven hundred wives ... and three hundred concubines. 1 Kings 11:3
Or marry a whore and have children of whoredom.
The LORD said to Hosea, Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms: for the land hath committed great whoredom, departing from the LORD. So he went and took Gomer. Hosea 1:2-3 
Or buy an adulterous wife with 15 pieces of silver and a homer and a half of barley.
Then said the LORD unto me, Go yet, love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress. So I bought her to me for fifteen pieces of silver, and for an homer of barley, and an half homer of barley.  Hosea 3:1-2
Still, all things considered,  it might be wise not to marry at all. Because if you do get married, God might give your wife to another man or force you to eat your children (and vice versa).
The word of the LORD came also unto me, saying, Thou shalt not take thee a wife, neither shalt thou have sons or daughters. Jeremiah 16:1-2
Therefore will I give their wives unto others. Jeremiah 8:10
I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:19
The fathers shall eat the sons ... and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5:10
But if and when God kills your wife, don't complain or mourn her death.
Son of man, behold, I take away from thee the desire of thine eyes with a stroke: yet neither shalt thou mourn nor weep, neither shall thy tears run down. Forbear to cry, make no mourning for the dead, bind the tire of thine head upon thee, and put on thy shoes upon thy feet, and cover not thy lips, and eat not the bread of men. So ... my wife died; and I did in the morning as I was commanded. Ezekiel 24:16-18
 If you're confused by any of this, don't worry. It is all straightened out in the New Testament.
Jesus said that the people that make it to heaven don't marry.
Jesus answered ... in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven. Matthew 22:29-30
And Paul said that it's best just not to touch women or get married.
It is good for a man not to touch a woman. -- 1 Corinthians 7:1-2
For I would that all men were even as I myself.... I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. -- 1 Corinthians 7:7-9
But if you do decide to get married, or if you already are married, don't have sex. There's no time for it since Jesus is coming soon.
But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none. -- 1 Corinthians 7:29
Or, better yet, if you are married, get a big reward by abandoning your wives and children for Jesus's name's sake.
And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. -- Matthew 19:29, Mark 10:29-30, Luke 18:29-30
So from God's point of view, the main thing is this: same-sex marriage is an abomination, everything else you can possibly imagine is OK.





Posted by Steve Wells at 7/27/2013 06:39:00 PM 6 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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19 July 2013Drunk With Blood - The revised 2nd Edition is now available
Since the First Edition of Drunk With Blood was published, I've found another 23 killings from the Apocrypha. They include some of the best killings in the entire Bible,  so I decided to include them in the 2nd Edition, which is now available at Amazon.  (For some examples, see  killings 136 to 147.)
The 2nd Edition has a new design, with the killings now grouped into chapters. I think it's a vast improvement over the original book, and I hope you'll think so too.
(Buy it now or God will smite you with hemorrhoids in your secret parts!)



Posted by Steve Wells at 7/19/2013 10:03:00 PM 3 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 July 2013Elisha and the dead boy
I've been busy working on another project lately that involves this Bible story. So I thought I'd share it with you, since I haven't had time for posting lately.
It's about Elisha. You know, the prophet who sent two bears to kill 42 boys for making fun of his bald head.
The story begins when a woman from Shunem befriends Elisha. She immediately recognized him as a man of God, so she fed him and convinced her husband to give him a place to stay.
Elisha passed to Shunem, where was a great woman; and she constrained him to eat bread. And so it was, that as oft as he passed by, he turned in thither to eat bread. And she said unto her husband, Behold now, I perceive that this is an holy man of God, which passeth by us continually. Let us make a little chamber, I pray thee, on the wall; and let us set for him there a bed, and a table, and a stool, and a candlestick: and it shall be, when he cometh to us, that he shall turn in thither. 2 Kings 4:8-10
So Elisha stayed in the room they made for him.
And... he came thither, and he turned into the chamber, and lay there. 2 Kings 4:11
Elisha wanted to repay the woman and her husband. So he asked his servant, Gehazi, to look into it. Gehazi said, “Well, she has no children and her husband is old.”
He said to Gehazi his servant … What then is to be done for her? And Gehazi answered, Verily she hath no child, and her husband is old. 4:12-14
Which gave Elisha an idea. He'd make the old woman pregnant!
He said, Call her. And when he had called her, she stood in the door. And he said, About this season, according to the time of life, thou shalt embrace a son. 4:15
The woman thought that was a crazy idea. She and her husband were too old to have kids.
And she said, Nay, my lord, thou man of God, do not lie unto thine handmaid. 4:16
But Elisha made her pregnant anyway. And she had a baby boy. (Boys always result from miracle pregnancies in the Bible.)
And the woman conceived, and bare a son at that season that Elisha had said unto her, according to the time of life. 4:17
Years later, the boy was out helping his dad when he grabbed his head and cried out, “My head, My head.”
When the child was grown, it fell on a day, that he went out to his father to the reapers. And he said unto his father, My head, my head. 4:18-19
And by the time they got back to the house, the boy was dead.
And when he had taken him, and brought him to his mother, he sat on her knees till noon, and then died. 4:20
The woman put her dead son on Elisha’s bed and went to find Elisha on Mount Carmel.
And she went up, and laid him on the bed of the man of God, and shut the door upon him, and went out. So she went and came unto the man of God to mount Carmel. 4:21-25
When she found him, she said, “Why did you give me a son? I didn’t ask for one!”
Then she said, Did I desire a son of my lord? did I not say, Do not deceive me? 4:28
Elisha responded by telling Gehazi to gird his loins, go back to Shunem, and lay Elisha’s staff on the face of the child.
He said to Gehazi, Gird up thy loins, and take my staff in thine hand, and go thy way … and lay my staff upon the face of the child. 4:29
So Gehazi traveled to Shunem and laid Elisha’s staff on the dead boy’s face. (The body must have been getting a bit stinky by now since Shunem is 15 miles from Mount Carmel.)
And Gehazi ... laid the staff upon the face of the child. 4:31a
File:Gehasi.jpg
But Shucks! The magic trick didn’t work.
But there was neither voice, nor hearing. 4:31b
Gehazi went back to Mount Carmel to tell Elisha the bad news.
Wherefore he went again to meet him, and told him, saying, The child is not awaked. 4:31c
So Elisha returned to Shunem to take care of things himself. When he arrived, he went into the room, closed the door, and prayed to God.
And when Elisha was come into the house, behold, the child was dead, and laid upon his bed. He went in therefore, and shut the door upon them twain, and prayed unto the LORD. 4:32-33
Then he lay down on top of the dead boy's body, placing his mouth on the boy's mouth, his eyes on the boy’s eyes, and his hands on the boy’s hands.
And he went up, and lay upon the child, and put his mouth upon his mouth, and his eyes upon his eyes, and his hands upon his hands. 4:34a


While still in this position, he stretched himself upon the dead boy's body until the flesh began to warm.
And [he] stretched himself upon the child; and the flesh of the child waxed warm. 4:34b
But Elisha still wasn’t through. He got off of the boy and walked around a bit.
Then he returned, and walked in the house to and fro. 4:35a
Then he lay down on top of the warming body until the boy sneezed  seven times.
And [he] went up, and stretched himself upon him: and the child sneezed seven times. 4:35b
And with that, the boy opened his eyes.
And the child opened his eyes. 2 Kings 4:35c
Posted by Steve Wells at 7/18/2013 10:55:00 AM 20 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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09 July 2013Ramadan: Sleep all day, party all night
For those of you who don't know, it's Ramadan -- the month in which Muslims believe the Quran was revealed to Muhammad (pb&jbuh).

Here's how it's put in the Quran:
The month of Ramadan in which was revealed the Qur'an, a guidance for mankind, and clear proofs of the guidance, and the Criterion (of right and wrong). And whosoever of you is present, let him fast the month.... 2:185
So Muslims fast every day during the month of Ramadan from dawn to dusk. It's one of the five pillars of Islam.
And what does fasting entail? Here's a list of things that invalidate the fast.
1- Intercourse
2- Masturbation
3- Eating and drinking
4- Anything that is regarded as coming under the same heading as eating and drinking
5- Letting blood by means of cupping and the like
6- Vomiting deliberately
7- Menstruation and nifaas
Well, that's clear enough, I guess. No sexual intercourse, masturbating, eating, drinking, bleeding, vomiting, or menstruating. (That's right, ladies, menstruating. Because Allah, like the God of the Bible, hates menstruating women.)
You have to go without all that stuff all day long. What's a person to do?
There's really only one good answer to that: sleep. Sleep as much as you can as long as you can during the day. Fasting is much easier while you're asleep and sleeping all day doesn't invalidate the fast.
That works great if you're a man (unless you have to work, that is), but not so well if you're a woman. Because a woman must spend all day in the kitchen preparing the huge feast (iftar) that breaks each day's fast, as well as shop for the food, clean up after last night's party, and prepare the morning meal (suhoor) that begins the fast the following day.
(There is quite a competition among Muslim women to produce the most elaborate and extravagant iftar feast. Much more food is produced each night than can possibly be consumed, with the excess thrown away the next day, since leftovers are discouraged. And this goes on for the entire month of Ramadan.)
But for Muslim men there's only one plan for Ramadan: Sleep all day, party all night.
(I'm not making this Ramadan plan up. It is followed by most Muslim males, in so far as work, school, and other activities permit.)
Here's a song that expresses the idea exactly.


Posted by Steve Wells at 7/09/2013 07:00:00 PM 24 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Bill Maher on religion
I thought I'd seen everything Bill Maher had done on religion, but it turns out I hadn't.
You probably haven't either. Take a look.

Posted by Steve Wells at 7/09/2013 07:40:00 AM 2 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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08 July 2013Love Wins (Faith Loses)
It was hell that did me in as a Christian. I couldn't believe that my family and friends and billions of other nonbelievers (and religiously incorrect believers) would be tormented forever in hell for their honest disbelief (or their religiously incorrect beliefs).
It was also hell that was the beginning of the end of Jerry DeWitt's faith, as he explained in his book, Hope After Faith.
And it was the same for Charles Darwin. Here's what he said about it in his autobiography:
I can hardly see how anyone ought to wish Christianity to be true; for if so, the plain language of the text seems to show that the men who do not believe, and this would include my Father, Brother, and almost all my best friends, will be everlastingly punished. And this is a damnable doctrine.
But there are some Christians who can get around hell by ignoring "the plain language of the text."
Rob Bell is one of those.
In the first chapter of his book, Love Wins, Bell clearly expresses the problems that hell presents to a believer.
1. It's unfair and incredibly cruel.
2. The Bible is unclear about how it can be avoided.
The first problem is obvious to anyone who gives it a moment's thought. Here is just one of the many excellent rhetorical questions that Bell asks about hell.
Of all the billions of people who have ever lived, will only a select number "make it to a better place" and every single other person suffer in torment and punishment forever? ... Can God do this, or even allow this, and still be a loving God?"
The second problem is a bit less obvious. According to the Bible, how do you escape hell?
It was here that Rob Bell provided me with another half dozen ways to get saved. (I'm now up to 205. Some of these were already listed, but some I added to the list.)
Listen to a preacher and call on whomever he tells you to believe in. Romans 10:14
Beat your breast and say you're a sinner. Luke 18:13-14
Ask Jesus to remember you when he comes into his kingdom. Luke 23:42-43
Be born again. John 3:3
Be worthy. (Don't get married.) Luke 20:35
Forgive people. Matthew 6:14
Do the will of Jesus's father. Matthew 7:21
Endure to the end. Matthew 10:22
Give half your goods to the poor and restore fourfold whatever you have taken falsely. Luke 19:8-9
Get saved (or at least have your sins forgiven) by other people's faith. Mark 2:3-5
Get saved by your spouse. 1 Corinthians 7:16
Do whatever a voice in the sky tells you do do. Acts 22:6-10
Become an Israeli citizen. Romans 11:26
Love much. Luke 7:47
But besides pointing out new ways to get saved, he pointed out something even more interesting. And that is this: The way most evangelicals believe people are saved -- the only way they believe you can get saved -- is not found anywhere in the Bible.
And what is that way?
It is this: You've got to have a personal relationship with God through Jesus.
There are 205 ways to get saved that I have found in the Bible, but the one most believers believe in is not one of them. Because it's not in the Bible.
So the first chapter of "Love Wins" is great. Bell demolishes hell.
The rest of the book tries to salvage what remains of Christianity after removing the belief in hell.
What remains after removing hell from Christianity?
If there is no hell, there's no outer darkness, no place of torments, no everlasting fire, no everlasting punishment, no land of immortal worms, no weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.
If there is no hell, there's no way to get saved and no need for a savior. Jesus has nothing to say and nothing to do.
And faith loses.


Posted by Steve Wells at 7/08/2013 11:47:00 AM 10 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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03 July 2013Congratulations, It's a boy! Episode 2: The line of Cain
As you'll recall, the first thing Adam and Eve did after leaving the Garden of Eden was -- well, obey God's command to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.
And they got off to a great start, too. They had two babies in the first two verses, both boys, named Cain and Abel. But then Cain killed Abel, and the world's population fell to 3.
It took the first couple a while to get back into the business of being fruitful, but eventually Adam knew Eve again. And when Adam was 130 years old they had another baby boy named Seth.
But this episode isn't about them. It's about Cain.
So what happened to Cain after he killed his brother Abel?
Well, God cursed him to be a fugitive and vagabond and put a mark on him so no one would kill him (I guess God thought Cain's parents might kill him since they were the only other people alive at the time).
The LORD said unto Cain ... now art thou cursed ... a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be. Genesis 4:9-12
And Cain said ... every one that findeth me shall slay me. 4:13-14
And the LORD said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the LORD set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him. 4:15
Then Cain went to the land of Nod on the east of Eden, got married (to an unnamed sister?), and founded a city (population 3), naming the city after his son, Enoch.
Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden. 4:16
And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch. 4:17
In the next verse, there's a population explosion in the city of Enoch in the land of Nod.
And unto Enoch was born Irad: and Irad begat Mehujael: and Mehujael begat Methusael: and Methusael begat Lamech. 4:18
Four baby boys in a single verse! (No mention of wives or daughters. And every father had a single son. I guess the land of Nod had a one-son policy at the time.)
But Lamech broke the one (nameless) wife / one son rule. He had two wives (Adah and Zillah), and the three of them worked together to produce three sons and one daughter. (The daughter--Naamah--was the first daughter born in the Bible and the first named female, after Eve.)
Lamech took unto him two wives: the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah. 4:19
And Adah bare Jabal ... And his brother's name was Jubal. 4:20-21
And Zillah, she also bare Tubalcain ... and the sister of Tubalcain was Naamah. 4:22
And that's all the Bible has to say about Cain and his descendants in the land of Nod. They were all destroyed in the flood.
OK, so it's time to count boys and girl babies.
There were five generations after Cain, each with one baby boy. (5)
Then there's Lamech's three sons and one daughter.
So the total for this episode is: 8 boys, 1 girl.
Cumulative total: 11 boys, 1 girl.
Next we get to count boys and girls in the Sethite line.

Posted by Steve Wells at 7/03/2013 04:08:00 PM 2 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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01 July 2013Roy Zimmerman: I want a marriage like they had in the Bible
A few weeks ago, I attended Moscow's sixth (I think) annual Intolerista Wingding that featured Roy Zimmerman. Here's one of the songs that he sang (along with the lyrics and relevant Bible quotes).


I want a marriage like they had in the Bible, because the Bible tells me so.
Now, Abraham and Sarah had a marriage, but she could not bear him...a kid.
So Sarah gave Abraham a slave girl and pretty soon they did it and they did, Lord Lord. Pretty soon they did it and she did.
Now I know that slavery was banned. But a woman should be free to give a slave girl to her husband.
Now Sarai Abram's wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid ... And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai. And Sarai ... took Hagar her maid the Egyptian ... and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife. And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived. Genesis 16:1-4
I want a marriage like they had in the Bible, because the Bible tells me so.
Now Othniel and Achsah had a marriage, because she was a battle prize he won.
Yes, he fought to win Caleb's daughter. And he was Caleb's brother and his son-in-law.
Yeah, he was Caleb's brother and his son.
Now I know it sounds like incest, but a woman should be proud to be married off and princessed.
Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher ... will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. And Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother,. took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife. Judges 1:12-13
(There is some disagreement about whether Othniel was Caleb's brother or nephew, but either way "it sounds like incest.")
I want a marriage like they had in the Bible, because the Bible tells me so.
Now if two brothers live together and one dies, the other one must marry his brother's widow.
For this is pleasing in God's eyes. And if he should refuse, then she should steal his shoes and spit right in his face. It's right there in the Bible.
If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, and have no child, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger: her husband's brother shall go in unto her, and take her to him to wife, and perform the duty of an husband's brother unto her ... And if the man like not to take his brother's wife ...Then shall his brother's wife ... loose his shoe from off his foot, and spit in his face. Deuteronomy 25:5-9
Now Jezebel and Ahab had a marriage. And she began usurping all his power.
She was wicked, of course, but he could not divorce her, so he had her thrown off a tower, Lord, Lord.
And sent the dogs her carcass to devour.
Now I know, it sounds excessive. But a woman should submit to her husband or be made a mess of.
Throw her down. So they threw her down: and some of her blood was sprinkled on the wall, and on the horses: and he trode her under foot ... And they went to bury her: but they found no more of her than the skull, and the feet, and the palms of her hands ... This is the word of the LORD, which he spake by his servant Elijah the Tishbite, saying, In the portion of Jezreel shall dogs eat the flesh of Jezebel. And the carcase of Jezebel shall be as dung upon the face of the field. 2 Kings 9:33-37
(Actually, though, in fairness to Ahab, he had nothing to do with his wife's death. Jehu, Elijah, and God were the co-conspirators of Jezebel's messy death.)
I want a marriage like they had in the Bible, because the Bible tells me so.


Now if a man should take a woman to be his, and it turns out he thinks she's not a virgin.
Well then her parents have a chance to prove she is. And if they let her down, then every man in town,
should stone her till she's dead. It's right there in the Bible. (Deuteronomy)
If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her ... And say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And ... say ... these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity ... But if ... the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel, Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:13-21
Now Solomon and  Naamah had a marriage. And they were together all their lives.
Yes she was his. And he was pretty busy, cause she was one of seven hundred wives, Lord, Lord.
Yeah, Solomon had seven hundred wives. (And three hundred concubines.)
Now I know, that's illegal. But a woman should be one of as many wives as her husband can inveigle.
And Rehoboam the son of Solomon reigned in Judah ... And his mother's name was Naamah. 1 Kings 14:21
Solomon ... had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines. 1 Kings 11:2-3
I want a marriage like they had in the Bible, because the Bible tells me so.




Posted by Steve Wells at 7/01/2013 10:58:00 PM 3 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Nicanor's army: The Almighty being their helper, they slew above nine thousand men
It’s hard to sort out God’s killings in First and Second Machabees. The same stories are often told, but the details are so different that it’s hard to believe they are the same story.
This is the account from 2 Machabees.
King Philip (Demetrius in 1 Machabees 7:4) sent Nicanor and Gorgias with 20,000 soldiers “to root out the whole race of the Jews.”
Philip … sent Nicanor ...giving him no fewer than twenty thousand armed men … to root out the whole race of the Jews, joining also with him Gorgias. 2 Machabees 8:9
When Judas found out about it, he gathered 7000 men “to fight manfully.”
Now when Judas found that Nicanor was coming, he imparted to the Jews that were with him, that the enemy was at hand. 8:12
But Machabeus calling together seven thousand … to fight manfully. 8:16
Telling them to trust in God who “at a beck” can destroy all of Nicanor’s army--along with “the whole world,” if he has a mind to.
Trust in the Almighty Lord, who at a beck can utterly destroy both them that come against us, and the whole world. 8:18
Like he did to Sennacherib’s 185,000 sleeping soldiers.
Moreover he put them in mind also of the helps their fathers had received from God: and how under Sennacherib a hundred and eighty-five thousand had been destroyed. 8:19
(“The angel of the LORD went out, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians an hundred fourscore and five thousand: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses.” 2 Kings 19.35, Isaiah 37.36)
And when 6,000 Jews and Macedonians slew 120,000 Galatians, “because of the help they had from heaven.”
And of the battle that they had fought against the Galatians in Babylonia, how they, being in all but six thousand, when it came to the point, and the Macedonians their companions were a stand, slew a hundred and twenty thousand, because of the help they had from heaven. 8:20a
For such a great slaughter, “they received many favors.”
And for this they received many favours. 8:20b
The speech had the desired effect, inspiring the troops to die for their country.
With these words they were greatly encouraged, and disposed even to die for the laws and their country. 8:21
After Judas concluded his speech by reading Esdras’s holy book and giving them the watchword “The help of God”, his soldiers went off to fight Nicanor.
And after the holy Book had been read to them by Esdras, and he had given them for a watchword, The help of God: himself leading the first band, he joined battle with Nicanor: 8:23
And with God as their helper, “they slew above nine thousand men” (“almost five thousand” in 1 Machabees 7:32).
The Almighty being their helper, they slew above nine thousand men ... of Nicanor's army. 8:24
Then they asked the “merciful God” to help them kill some more.
When this was done, and they had all made a common supplication, they besought the merciful Lord. 8:29
And with God’s help, they killed more than 20,000 in Timotheus and Bacchides’s army.
Moreover they slew above twenty thousand of them that were with Timotheus and Bacchides. 8:30
They killed Philarches (a wicked man).
They slew also Philarches ... a wicked man. 8:32
And they burned to death Callisthenes, as “a worthy reward for his impieties.”
They burnt Callisthenes, that had set fire to the holy gates, who had taken refuge in a certain house, rendering to him a worthy reward for his impieties: 8:33
------------------------------------------
Since the Galatian massacre that Judas referred to in 1 Machabees 8:20 isn’t recorded elsewhere in the Bible, I’ll give God credit for it here, and another 120,000 to his total.
And I’ll average the “almost five thousand” and “above nine thousand” in the two accounts and add another 7000 to God’s killings.
Then there was the 20,000 soldiers in 8:30, along with Philarches and Callisthenes.
So the total for this episode is 147,002.
Posted by Steve Wells at 7/01/2013 03:46:00 PM 0 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Genesis 1-3 and the definition of marriage
In the Bible's first creation story (Genesis 1:1-2:3), God created humans in his own image, male and female.
God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness … So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. Genesis 1:26-27
Which seems a strange thing for a macho God to do.
Is God both male and female? Or were humans, as originally created by God, neither? Did sexuality come later, after the fall? (Notice that this story doesn’t say how many humans were created or what their names might be. There was no Adam, no Eve, or even Steve in this version.)
In the second creation account, God formed man from the dust of the ground.
God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul. Genesis 2:7
And here too, the man is unnamed, and he remains unnamed until after God creates the animals in a misguided attempt to find a proper “help meet” for him, at which time God finally gives him a name (Adam).
God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam. Genesis 2:18-19
(You have to wonder what God was thinking here. Did he expect Adam to fall for a raccoon or a blue-footed booby perhaps? Did he create 350,000 species of beetles thinking they might make good matches for Adam? And if God was OK with that, could he object to Adam and Steve?)
After the newly-named Adam examined and rejected the millions of species of animals that God created to be his “help meet,” God tried again, this time creating something from Adam’s rib.
The LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. Genesis 2:21-22
This newly-formed rib-creature was much more to Adam’s liking. And he immediately named it “Woman” (not “Eve”--that name didn’t come until later).
And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Genesis 2:23
So what was this “woman” like, anyway? Was she a clone of Adam, since she was created (or cloned) from his rib? Did she have the same genitalia as Adam or did they both lack sexual organs, since there was no need for reproduction before the fall?
In any case, Adam goes on to explain the purpose of marriage in the next verse.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:24
Now that may seem like a strange thing for a man with no father or mother to say, but there it is. The point Adam was making was this: the purpose of marriage is companionship, not procreation. And Jesus seemed to agree with this in Matthew 19:5.
For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh.
It wasn’t until after the fall that sex and procreation became a part of marriage, when God punished the (still nameless) woman with the pain of childbirth, and the desire for(?) and subjection to her husband.
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
Everything changed after the fall. Death entered the world, and along with it, the need for procreation. Adam recognized this and renamed “the woman” accordingly.
Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living. Genesis 3:20
So according to the Genesis creation stories, heterosexual reproduction was an unintended consequence of the fall. Marriage, as originally created, was for love and companionship so that two “shall be one flesh.”
And that works for either Adam and Eve or Adam and Steve.
Posted by Steve Wells at 7/01/2013 01:35:00 PM 6 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Congratulations, it's a boy! Episode 1: Adam and Eve
Evan Ringuette at StaticDespair.com posted this on twitter.


And it got me to thinking. What percentage of the bible's babies were boys?
So I started at the beginning of Genesis and went through the bible counting male and female babies.
It's going to take me a while to get through them all though, so I decided to do it in a series of posts.
Here's the first one.

Adam and Eve
It didn't take long for Adam and Eve to get down to business after leaving the garden of Eden. In the next two verses they had two kids, both boys, named Cain and Abel.
And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD. And she again bare his brother Abel. Genesis 4:1-2
Six verses later, Cain killed Abel.
Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him. Gen 4:8
130 years after that, Adam and Eve decided to make a replacement for Abel. God cooperated by giving them another boy, named Seth.
And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth: For God, said she, hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew. Gen 4:25
Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth. Gen 5:3
So apparently, Adam and Eve disobeyed God's command to "be fruitful and multiply" (Gen 1:28)  by having only three kids in 130 years. But after abstaining from sex (or practicing some killer form of birth control) they finally had some more kids in the next 800 years or so.
And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years: and he begat sons and daughters:And all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty years: and he died. Genesis 5:4-5
Since the Bible didn't bother giving theses latter day babies names, sexes, or numbers, I won't either.
So the score for this episode is: boys 3, girls 0.


Posted by Steve Wells at 7/01/2013 08:56:00 AM 3 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Dwindling In Unbelief



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 23 August 2013208 ways to get yourself saved
23 August 13: Found two new ways to get saved from the Old Testament -- from the only two guys in the OT to get saved: Enoch and Elijah.
(See 38 and 39)

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Fundamentalist, born-again Christians love to say that there's only one way to get saved. But if you believe the Bible, there's a lot more than that. Here are the ways that I've found so far. Let me know if I've missed any and I'll add them to the list.
Say the right things.
For by thy words thou shalt be justified. -- Matthew 12:37
Do the right things. (Be a do-gooder.)
And shall come forth; they that have done good, unto the resurrection of life. -- John 5:29
I the Lord ... give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings. -- Jeremiah 17:10
For we must all appear before the jugment seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad. -- 2 Corinthians 5:10
Believe the right things.
A man is justified by faith without the deeds of the law. -- Romans 3:28
Therefore, being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. -- Romans 5:1
A man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ. -- Galatians 2:16
For by grace are ye saved through faith. -- Ephesians 2:8
Do and believe the right things.
Faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone. -- James 2:17
Work your way to heaven.
For you render to each one according to his works. -- Psalm 62:12
For the Son of Man will come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and then He will reward each according to his works. -- Matthew 16.27
And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works. And the sea gave up the dead which were in it; and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them: and they were judged every man according to their works. -- Revelation 20:12-13
Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also transform themselves into ministers of righteousness, whose end will be according to their works. -- 2 Corinthians 11:15
The Father, who without partiality judges according to each one's work. -- 1 Peter 1:17
What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him? -- James 2:14, 17, 20, 24, 26
I will give unto every one of you according to your works. -- Revelation 2:23
Behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give every man according as his work. -- Revelation 22:12
Burn your work.
If any man's work shall be burned, he shall suffer loss: but he himself shall be saved; yet so as by fire. -- 1 Corinthians 3:15
Work it out with fear and trembling.
Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. -- Philippians 2:12
Beat your breast and say you're a sinner.
The publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner. I tell you, this man went down to his house justified. Luke 18:13-14
Be hungry now and never get full.
Blessed are ye that hunger now: for ye shall be filled. ... Woe unto you that are full! for ye shall hunger. -- Luke 6:21, 24
Hunger and thirst after righteousness.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. -- Matthew 5:6
Do what is lawful and right.
When the wicked man turneth away from his wickedness ... and doeth that which is lawful and right, he shall save his soul. -- Ezekiel 18:27
Do whatever a voice in the sky tells you do do.
As I ... was come nigh unto Damascus about noon, suddenly there shone from heaven a great light ... And I fell unto the ground, and heard a voice saying unto me, Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? And I answered, Who art thou, Lord? And he said unto me, I am Jesus of Nazareth, whom thou persecutest ... And I said, What shall I do, LORD? And the Lord said unto me, Arise, and go into Damascus; and there it shall be told thee of all things which are appointed for thee to do. -- Acts 22:6-10
Do nothing. Die in Adam; come alive in Christ.
For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive. -- 1 Corinthians 15:22
Obey the law of the wise.
The law of the wise is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death. -- Proverbs 13:14
Do God's will
He that doeth the will of God abideth for ever. -- 1 John 2:17
Do the will of Jesus's father.
Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. -- Matthew 7:21
Be a doer of the law.
Who will render to each one according to his deeds. ... For not the hearers of the law are just in the sight of God, but the doers of the law will be justified. -- Romans 2:6, 13
Call on the name of the Lord.
Whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved. -- Acts 2:21, Romans 10:13
Call upon God.
As for me, I will call upon God; and the LORD shall save me. -- Psalm 55:16
Trust in the Lord.
The LORD shall ... save them, because they trust in him. -- Psalm 37:40
Seek the Lord and don't forsake him.
The LORD searcheth all hearts, and understandeth all the imaginations of the thoughts: if thou seek him, he will be found of thee; but if thou forsake him, he will cast thee off for ever. -- 1 Chronicles 28:9
Seek the Lord, righteousness, and meekness.
Seek ye the LORD, all ye meek of the earth, which have wrought his judgment; seek righteousness, seek meekness: it may be ye shall be hid in the day of the LORD's anger. -- Zephaniah 2:3
Get to know God.
In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ: Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction. -- 2 Thessalonians 1:8-9
Wait for him.
Wait on the LORD, and he shall save thee. -- Proverbs 20:22
Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, and he will save us. -- Isaiah 25:9
Wait and come for 1335 days.
Blessed is he that waiteth, and cometh to the thousand three hundred and five and thirty days. -- Daniel 12:12
Just look at him.
Look unto me, and be ye saved. -- Isaiah 45:22
Get lost.
The Son of man is come to save that which was lost. -- Matthew 18:11, Luke 19:10
Get scourged.
Whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. -- Hebrews 12:6
Get tortured.
"Others were tortured ... that they might obtain a better resurrection." -- Hebrews 11:35
Get lucky.
I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. ... Therefore hath he mercy on whom he will have mercy, and whom he will he hardeneth. ... Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus? Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour? What if God, willing to shew his wrath, and to make his power known, endured with much longsuffering the vessels of wrath fitted to destruction: -- Romans 9:15-22
Hope.
For we are saved by hope. -- Romans 8:24
Repent.
Except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish. -- Luke 13:3, 5
Overcome.
He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the tree of life, which is in the midst of the paradise of God. -- Revelation 2:7
He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; He that overcometh shall not be hurt of the second death. -- Revelation 2:11
He that overcometh, the same shall be clothed in white raiment; and I will not blot out his name out of the book of life, but I will confess his name before my Father, and before his angels. -- Revelation 3:5
Him that overcometh will I make a pillar in the temple of my God ... and I will write upon him the name of my God, and the name of the city of my God, which is new Jerusalem ... and I will write upon him my new name. -- Revelation 3:12
Don't be so darned wicked.
When the wicked man turneth away from his wickedness that he hath committed, and doeth that which is lawful and right, he shall save his soul. -- Ezekiel 18:27
Don't offend the little ones.
But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. -- Matthew 18:6, Mark 9:14, Luke 17:2
Don't be filthy or naughty; receive the engrafted word.
Lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls. -- James 1:21
Walk upright.
Whoso walketh uprightly shall be saved. -- Proverbs 28:18

Walk with God for 365 years and then get taken by him.
All the days of Enoch were three hundred sixty and five years: And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him. Genesis 5:23-24
Get taken to heaven in a chariot of fire that is drawn by horses of fire in a whirlwind.
There appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both asunder; and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven. 2 Kings 2:11
Endure temptation.
Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life. -- James 1:12
Don't lust.
Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. -- James 1:15
Bridle your tongue.
If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain. -- James 1:26
Believe in Jesus.
Whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. -- John 3:16
I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live. And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. -- John 11:25-26
Believe on Jesus.
He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life. -- John 3:36
Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me hath everlasting life. -- John 6:47
Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved. -- Acts 16:31
For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed. -- Romans 10:11
See Jesus and believe on him.
Every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day. -- John 6:40
Confess with your mouth "Jesus is Lord" and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead.
If thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. -- Romans 10:9
Confess Jesus before men.
Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. -- Matthew 10:32
Whosoever shall confess me before men, him shall the Son of man also confess before the angels of God. -- Luke 12:8
Ask Jesus to remember you when he comes into his kingdom.
He said unto Jesus, Lord, remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom. And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, to day shalt thou be with me in paradise. Luke 23:42-43
Obey Jesus.
And [Jesus] being made perfect, he became the author of eternal salvation unto all them that obey him. -- Hebrews 5:9
Hear the words of Jesus and believe in whoever sent him.
He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life. -- John 5:24
Hear and do the sayings of Jesus.
Whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock. -- Matthew 7:24
Keep Jesus's saying.
If a man keep my saying, he shall never see death. -- John 8:51
Drink Jesus's water.
Whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life. -- John 4:14
Get saved by the grace of Jesus.
Through the grace of the LORD Jesus Christ we shall be saved. Acts 15:11
Be dead with Jesus.
It is a faithful saying: For if we be dead with him, we shall also live with him: -- 2 Timothy 2:11
Be born again.
Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. -- John 3:3
Be born of water and the spirit.
Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. -- John 3:5
Be spiritually minded.
To be spiritually minded is life. -- Romans 8:6
Believe Paul's gospel.
Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I preached unto you, which also ye have received, and wherein ye stand; By which also ye are saved, if ye keep in memory what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:1-2
Listen to a preacher and call on whomever he tells you to believe in.
How then shall they call on him in whom they have not believed? and how shall they believe in him of whom they have not heard? and how shall they hear without a preacher? -- Romans 10:15
Listen to Peter's words. (They will save you and your whole familiy!)
Peter ... shall tell thee words, whereby thou and all thy house shall be saved. Acts 11:13-14
Believe and be baptized.
He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved. -- Mark 16:16
Just get baptized (you can keep the filth of the flesh).
Baptism doth also now save us (not the putting away of the filth of the flesh). -- 1 Peter 3:21
Have a contrite spirit.
The LORD ... saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. -- Psalm 34:18
Have the Son of God.
God hath given to us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life. -- 1 John 5:11-12
Don't be deluded by God.
God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie: That they all might be damned. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:11-12
Don't be blinded by God.
Israel hath not obtained that which he seeketh for; but the election hath obtained it, and the rest were blinded. ... God hath given them the spirit of slumber, eyes that they should not see, and ears that they should not hear;) unto this day. ... Let their eyes be darkened, that they may not see. -- Romans 11:7-10
Bear good fruit.
Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. -- Matthew 7:19, Luke 3:9, 13:9
Be graffed in.
And they also, if they abide not still in unbelief, shall be graffed in: for God is able to graff them in again. -- Romans 11:23
Be chosen, not just called.
For many are called, but few are chosen. -- Matthew 22:14, 20:16
God hath from the beginning chosen you to salvation. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:13
Be perfect.
Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. -- Matthew 5:48
Be meek.
When God arose to judgment, to save all the meek of the earth. -- Psalm 76:9
Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. -- Matthew 5:5
Be washed by the Holy Ghost.
Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost. -- Titus 3:5
Get your sins remitted by someone who has received the Holy Ghost. (Or who has been breathed on by Jesus)
And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost: Whosesoever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained. -- John 20:22-23
Be pure in heart.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. -- Matthew 5:8
Be upright in heart.
My defence is of God, which saveth the upright in heart. -- Psalm 7:10
Be converted and become like a little child.
Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 18:3, Mark 10:15
Be a saint.
The LORD ... forsaketh not his saints; they are preserved for ever.. -- Psalm 37:28
Be a child of the needy.
He shall save the children of the needy. -- Psalm 72:4
Be persecuted for righteousness sake.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 5:10
Be righteous.
Righteousness delivereth from death. -- Proverbs 10:2, 11:4
And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal. -- Matthew 25:46
Be more righteous than the scribes and Pharisees.
Except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 5:20
Forsake all that you have.
Whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple. -- Luke 14:33
Hate your own life.
The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. John 12:25
Lose your life.
Whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it. -- Luke 17:33
Lose your life for Christ's sake.
For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. -- Matthew 10:39, 16:25, Mark 8:35, Luke 9:24, 17:33
Belong to a household that has at least one believer.
And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house. -- Acts 16:31
For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. -- 1 Corinthians 7:14
Get saved by your spouse.
For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife? -- 1 Corinthians 7:16
Get saved (or at least have your sins forgiven) by other people's faith.
They come unto him, bringing one sick of the palsy ... When Jesus saw their faith, he said unto the sick of the palsy, Son, thy sins be forgiven thee. Mark 2:3
Follow the commandments (at least some of them).
If you want to enter into life, keep the commandments. He saith unto him, Which? Jesus said, Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. -- Matthew 19:17-19
And when he was gone forth into the way, there came one running, and kneeled to him, and asked him, Good Master, what shall I do that I may inherit eternal life? ... Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Defraud not, Honour thy father and mother. -- Mark 10:17-19
Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life. -- Revelation 22:14
Keep some of the commandments, give all your money to the poor, and follow Jesus.
And a certain ruler asked him, saying, Good Master, what shall I do to inherit eternal life? ... Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother. And he said, All these have I kept from my youth up. ...thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, follow me.-- Luke 18:18-22
Keep the commandments of God and the faith of Jesus.
Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and the faith of Jesus. -- Revelation 14:12
Do the commandments and teach others to do them.
Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 5:19
Sow to the Spirit.
He that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. -- Galatians 6:8
Endure to the end.
He that endureth to the end shall be saved. -- Matthew 10:22, 24:13, Mark 13:13
Give diligence.
Give diligence to make your calling and election sure. -- 2 Peter 1:10
Wait until you die and then have the Mormons baptize you (after you're dead).
Else what shall they do which are baptized for the dead, if the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead? -- 1 Corinthians 15:29
Wait until you die and then hear the voice of the Son of God.
The dead shall hear the voice of the Son of God: and they that hear shall live. -- John 5:25
Be faithful unto death.
Be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life. -- Revelation 2:10
Get buried with Jesus by being baptized into death.
We are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been planted together in the likeness of his death, we shall be also in the likeness of his resurrection. -- Romans 6:4-5
Always wear a wedding garment.
And when the king came in to see the guests, he saw there a man which had not on a wedding garment: And he saith unto him, Friend, how camest thou in hither not having a wedding garment? And he was speechless. Then said the king to the servants, Bind him hand and foot, and take him away, and cast him into outer darkness, there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. -- Matthew 22:11-13
Be worthy. (Don't get married. Married people don't go to heaven.)
They which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage. -- Luke 20:35
Have lots of babies (and be faithful, charitable, holy, and sober).
And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety. -- 1 Timothy 2:14-15
Become a eunuch for the kingdom of heaven's sake.
There be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it. -- Matthew 19:12
Don't defile yourself with women. (Be a virgin male.)
...the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth. These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. -- Revelation 14:4
Don't love your family more than Jesus.
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. -- Matthew 10:37
Abandon your home and family for Jesus's name's sake.
And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. -- Matthew 19:29, Mark 10:29-30, Luke 18:29-30
Hate your father, mother, wife, children, brothers, sisters, and your own life.
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. -- Luke 14:26
Don't hate your brother.
Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him. -- 1 John 3:15
Ask your parents to beat you with a rod.
Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. -- Proverbs 23:13-14
Receive a child in the name of Jesus.
Whosoever shall receive this child in my name receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me receiveth him that sent me. -- Luke 9:48a, Matthew 18:5
Receive a Christian.
He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me. -- Matthew 10:40
Receive a prophet in the name of a prophet.
He that receiveth a prophet in the name of a prophet shall receive a prophet's reward. -- Matthew 10:41
Receive a righteous man in the name of a righteous man.
He that receiveth a righteous man in the name of a righteous man shall receive a righteous man's reward. -- Matthew 10:41
Receive the gift of eternal life from God through Jesus.
The gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. -- Romans 6:23
Don't despise government or walk after flesh.
The Lord knoweth how ... to reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished: But chiefly them that walk after the flesh in the lust of uncleanness, and despise government. -- 2 Peter 2:9-10
Don't resist the powers that be.
Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God. Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation. -- Romans 13:2
Mortify the deeds of your body.
If ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live. -- Romans 8:13
Wash your wicked heart.
Wash thine heart from wickedness, that thou mayest be saved. -- Jeremiah 4:14
Wash your face and anoint your head when you fast.
When thou fastest, anoint thine head, and wash thy face; that thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly. -- Matthew 6:17-18
Heed yourself and the doctrine.
Take heed unto thyself, and unto the doctrine; continue in them: for in doing this thou shalt both save thyself, and them that hear thee. -- 1 Timothy 4:16
Get saved by Jesus's name.
Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name [beside's Jesus's] under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved. -- Acts 4:12
Get saved by God's name.
Save me, O God, by thy name. -- Psalm 54:1
Get saved by God's shining face.
Turn us again, O God, and cause thy face to shine; and we shall be saved. -- Psalm 80:3, 7, 19
Get saved by the angel of his presence.
The angel of his presence saved them. -- Isaiah 63:9
Don't doubt.
He that doubteth is damned. -- Romans 14:23
Don't fall away after you're saved.
For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance. -- Hebrews 6:4-6
Don't eat your own vomit.
For it had been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than, after they have known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them. But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire. -- 2 Peter 2:21-22
Don't blaspheme the Holy Ghost
He that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation. -- Mark 3:29, Matthew 12:31-32, Luke 12:10
Don't let God make you wicked.
The LORD hath made all things for himself: yea, even the wicked for the day of evil. -- Proverbs 16:4
Be converted from the error of your ways.
Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death. -- James 5:20
Turn yourself over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh so your spirit may be saved. (For fornicators only.)
It is reported commonly that there is fornication among you ... deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus. -- 1 Corinthians 5:1-5
Make friends with the mammon of unrighteousness.
Make to yourselves friends of the mammon of unrighteousness; that, when ye fail, they may receive you into everlasting habitations. Luke 16:9
Make a feast for the poor, maimed, lame, and blind.
But when thou makest a feast, call the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind: And thou shalt be blessed; for they cannot recompense thee: for thou shalt be recompensed at the resurrection of the just. Luke 14:13-14:
Be poor, maimed, halt, or blind.
A certain man [God] made a great supper [heaven], and . . . said to his servant, Go out quickly into the streets and lanes of the city, and bring in hither the poor, and the maimed, and the halt, and the blind . . . that my house may be filled. Luke 14:16-23
Be forced to go to heaven.
The lord [God] said unto the servant, Go out into the highways and hedges, and compel them to come in, that my house [heaven] may be filled. Luke 14:23
Enter at the strait gate.
Then said one unto him, Lord, are there few that be saved? And he said unto them, Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able. -- Luke 13:23-24
Enter through the Jesus door.
I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved. -- John 10:9
Return and Rest.
In returning and rest shall ye be saved. -- Isaiah 30:15
Don't look back.
Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God. -- Luke 9:62
Become a truth-telling child of God.
Surely they are my people, children that will not lie: so he was their Saviour. -- Isaiah 63:8
Become an Israeli citizen.
Israel shall be saved in the LORD with an everlasting salvation. -- Isaiah 45:17
And so all Israel shall be saved: as it is written, There shall come out of Sion the Deliverer, and shall turn away ungodliness from Jacob. -- Romans 11:26
Obtain mercy through Jewish unbelief.
For as ye in times past have not believed God, yet have now obtained mercy through their [Jewish] unbelief. -- Romans 11:30
God hath concluded them [the Jews] all in unbelief, that he might have mercy upon all. -- Romans 11:32
Be an unbelieving Jew.
Even so have these [Jews] also now not believed, that through your mercy they also may obtain mercy. -- Romans 11:31
Don't be a Jew.
But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. -- Matthew 8:12
Don't be a serpent or a viper, and make sure none of your ancestors were prophet killers.
Ye are the children of them which killed the prophets ... Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell? -- Matthew 23:31-33
Don't be an unrighteous fornicator, idolater, adulterer, effeminate, thief, covetous, drunkard, reviler, extortioner, or an abuser of yourself with mankind.
The unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. -- 1 Corinthians 6:9-10
Don't be fearful, unbelieving, abominable, murdering, whore mongering, a sorcerer, an idolater, or a liar.
The fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. -- Revelation 21:8
Fear God.
The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death. -- Proverbs 14:27
Fear God and work righteousness.
He that feareth him [God], and worketh righteousness, is accepted with him. Acts 10:35
Fear God and cry a lot while praying.
[Jesus] who in the days of his flesh, when he had offered up prayers and supplications with strong crying and tears unto him that was able to save him from death, and was heard in that he feared. -- Hebrews 5:7
Don't let your eye become evil.
But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness! -- Matthew 6:23
Receive evil things.
But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented. -- Luke 15:25
Pluck out your eye if it offends you.
And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. -- Matthew 5:29-30, 18:8-9, Mark 9:43-49
Cut off your right hand if it offends you.
If thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. -- Matthew 5:29-30, 18:8-9, Mark 9:43-49
Don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.
Let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly. -- Matthew 6:4-5
Be ordained to eternal life.
As many as were ordained to eternal life believed. -- Acts 13:48
Be drawn by by the Father.
No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him, and I will raise him up at the last day. John 6:44
Be elected by God before you're born.
For the children being not yet born, neither having done any good or evil, that the purpose of God according to election might stand, not of works, but of him that calleth. -- Romans 9:11
Knowing, brethren beloved, your election of God. -- 1 Thessalonians 1:4
Don't be ashamed of Jesus.
Whosoever therefore shall be ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation; of him also shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he cometh in the glory of his Father with the holy angels. -- Mark 8:38, Luke 9:26
Don't let anyone see you do anything good.
Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven. -- Matthew 6:1
Don't let anyone say anything nice about you.
Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! -- Luke 6:26
Don't love the world or the things in it.
Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. -- 1 John 2:15
Don't be a friend to the world.
Whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God. -- James 4:4
Be given by the Father and come to the Son.
All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out. -- John 6:37
Come to the Father by Jesus.
Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. -- John 14:6
Be given by God to Jesus (or whatever).
These words spake Jesus, and lifted up his eyes to heaven, and said, Father, the hour is come; glorify thy Son, that thy Son also may glorify thee: As thou hast given him power over all flesh, that he should give eternal life to as many as thou hast given him. -- John 17:1-2
Be saved by Jesus's life (if you're a friend) or by his death (if you're an enemy).
For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life. -- Romans 5:10
Don't get circumcised.
Behold, I Paul say unto you, that if ye be circumcised, Christ shall profit you nothing ... ye are fallen from grace. -- Galatians 5:2-4
Be dead in your sins and uncircumcised flesh, and then let God quicken you with Christ.
But God ... when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ. -- Ephesians 2:4-5
Be chosen from the beginning.
But we are bound to give thanks alway to God for you, brethren beloved of the Lord, because God hath from the beginning chosen you to salvation. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:13
And you, being dead in your sins and the uncircumcision of your flesh, hath he quickened together with him, having forgiven you all trespasses. -- Colossians 2:13
Be predestinated by God.
For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate ... Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified. -- Romans 8:29-30
He hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love. Having predestinated us ... according to the good pleasure of his will. -- Ephesians 1:4-5
Give your excess food and clothes to the poor.
The people asked him [John the Baptist], saying, What shall we do then? He answereth ... He that hath two coats, let him impart to him that hath none; and he that hath meat, let him do likewise. Luke 3:10-11
Give half your goods to the poor and restore fourfold whatever you have taken falsely.
Zacchaeus stood, and said unto the Lord: Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor; and if I have taken any thing from any man by false accusation, I restore him fourfold. And Jesus said unto him, This day is salvation come to this house. Luke 19:8-9
Be poor, not rich.
He shall ... save the souls of the needy. -- Psalm 72:13
Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. --Matthew 5:3
Blessed be ye poor: for yours is the kingdom of God. ... But woe unto you that are rich! for ye have received your consolation. -- Luke 6:20, 24
Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. -- Matthew 19:23-24
Ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you. -- James 5:1
Be poor in this world, be rich in faith, and love God.
Hath not God chosen the poor of this world rich in faith, and heirs of the kingdom which he hath promised to them that love him? -- James 2:5
Be sad.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. -- Matthew 5:4
Cry a lot.
Then they cried unto the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them. -- Psalm 107:13, 19
Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh. -- Luke 6:21
Don't laugh.
Woe unto you that laugh now! for ye shall mourn and weep. -- Luke 6:25
Be last.
But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first. -- Matthew 19:30, 20:16; Mark 10:31; Luke 13:30
Be least.
He that is least among you all, the same shall be great. -- Luke 9:48b
Eat the bread that comes down from heaven.
This is the bread which cometh down from heaven, that a man may eat thereof, and not die. -- John 6:50
Eat Jesus's body and drink his blood.
Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. -- John 6:53-54
Have faith in Jesus's  blood.
God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood. -- Romans 3:25
Be saved and justified by Jesus's blood.
Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him. -- Romans 5:9
Make people revile you, persecute you, hate you, avoid you, say bad things about you, and call you names for Jesus's sake.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. -- Matthew 5:11
Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you from their company, and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man's sake. Rejoice ye in that day, and leap for joy: for, behold, your reward is great in heaven. -- Luke 6:22-23
Follow peace and holiness with all men.
Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord. -- Hebrews 12:14
Take heaven by force.
From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force. Matthew 11:12
Believe in the foolishness of preaching.
For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe. -- 1 Corinthians 1:21
Be innocent.
He [God] shall deliver the island of the innocent. -- Job 22:30
Give alms to the poor. (May only work for Catholics.)
Alms deliver from all sin, and from death, and will not suffer the soul to go into darkness. -- Tobit 4:11
Give a cup of water to a Christian.
For whosoever shall give you a cup of water to drink in my name, because ye belong to Christ, verily I say unto you, he shall not lose his reward. -- Matthew 10:42, Mark 9:41
Love Christians.
We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren. He that loveth not his brother abideth in death. -- 1 John 3:14
Love your enemies, do good to them, and give them lots of money.
But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. -- Luke 6:35, Matthew 5:44-45
Love God and your neighbor.
He said unto him, What is written in the law? how readest thou? And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. And he said unto him, Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live. -- Luke 10:26-28
Be a peacemaker.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. -- Matthew 5:9
Feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, take in strangers, clothe the naked, visit the sick and imprisoned.
Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. -- Matthew 25:34-36
Be merciful.
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. -- Matthew 5:7
For he shall have judgment without mercy, that hath shewed no mercy; and mercy rejoiceth against judgment. -- James 2:13

Forgive people.
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

Don't judge.
Judge not, and ye shall not be judged. -- Matthew 7:1, Luke 6:37

Be humble.
He [God] shall save the humble person. -- Job 22:29
Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 7:1
He that humbleth himself shall be exalted. -- Luke 14:11
Love the truth.
And with all deceivableness of unrighteousness in them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:10
Do good. Avoid evil.
Depart from evil, and do good; and dwell for evermore. -- Psalm 37:27
Don't pray in public.
And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. -- Matthew 6:5
Enter the Kingdom of God (It's within you)
The kingdom of God is within you. Luke 17:21
Be saved by other people's unbelief.
(You can have some of mine; I've got plenty.)
For as ye in times past have not believed God, yet have now obtained mercy through their unbelief. -- Romans 11:30
Just ask.
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. -- Matthew 7:7-8
All you need is love.
Love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God. -- 1 John 4:7
Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much. -- Luke 7:47



Posted by Steve Wells at 8/23/2013 03:00:00 PM 125 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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22 August 2013The Dragons of God

There's a new book out about dragons called Dragons or Dinosaurs? by Derek Isaacs.


It turns out that the dragons that are so often mentioned in the Bible are real after all! Here's what Mr. Isaacs says about them:
The Old Testament scribes wrote that they saw creatures, prowling, hissing, swimming, and even breathing fire. ... I will shine a spotlight for all to see that the Bible speaks of dragons as real. ... Because what is harder to believe, that dragons are real, or that Jesus Christ is the author of life and the Savior of all humanity?
To help you with your decision about dragons (and Jesus), here's a list of all the verses in the King James Version that mention them. (Dragons, that is.)
But be careful. If you reject God's dragons, you'll probably also reject God's son. Because as Mr. Isaacs rightly points out, one is about as absurd as the other.
Their wine is the poison of dragons. Deuteronomy 32:33
And I went out by night by the gate of the valley, even before the dragon well. Nehemiah 2:13
I am a companion to dragons, and a companion to owls. Job 30:29
Thou hast sore broken us in the place of dragons. Psalm 44:19
Thou breakest the heads of dragons. Psalm 74:13
The dragon shalt thou trample under feet. Psalm 91:13
Praise the Lord from the earth, ye dragons. Psalm 148:7
Satyrs shall dance there ... and dragons in their pleasant palaces. Isaiah 13:22
The LORD with his sore and great and strong sword shall punish leviathan the piercing serpent, even leviathan that crooked serpent; and he shall slay the dragon that is in the sea. Isaiah 27:1
It shall be an habitation of dragons ... and the satyr shall cry to his fellow. Isaiah 34:13-14
In the habitation of dragons, where each lay, shall be grass with reeds and rushes. Isaiah 35:7
The beast of the field shall honour me, the dragons and the owls: because I give waters in the wilderness. Isaiah 43:20
Art thou not it that hath cut Rahab, and wounded the dragon? Isaiah 51:9
I will make Jerusalem heaps, and a den of dragons. Jeremiah 9:11
To make the cities of Judah desolate, and a den of dragons. Jeremiah 10:22
The wild asses ... snuffed up the wind like dragons. Jeremiah 14:6
Hazor shall be a dwelling for dragons. Jeremiah 49:33
Nebuchadrezzar ... hath swallowed me up like a dragon. Jeremiah 51:34
Babylon shall become heaps, a dwellingplace for dragons. Jeremiah 51:37
Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I am against thee, Pharaoh king of Egypt, the great dragon that lieth in the midst of his rivers. Ezekiel 29:3
I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons. Micah 1:8
I hated Esau, and laid his mountains and his heritage waste for the dragons of the wilderness. Malachi 1:3
There appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads. Revelation 12:3
The dragon stood before the woman which was ready to be delivered, for to devour her child as soon as it was born. Revelation 12:4
There was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels. Revelation 12:7
And the great dragon was cast out. Revelation 12:9
When the dragon saw that he was cast unto the earth, he persecuted the woman which brought forth the man child. Revelation 12:13
The earth helped the woman, and the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed up the flood which the dragon cast out of his mouth. Revelation 12:16
And the dragon was wroth with the woman, and went to make war with the remnant of her seed. Revelation 12:17
The beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gave him his power. Revelation 13:2
And they worshipped the dragon which gave power unto the beast: and they worshipped the beast. Revelation 13:4
And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon. Revelation 13:11
I saw three unclean spirits like frogs come out of the mouth of the dragon, and out of the mouth of the beast, and out of the mouth of the false prophet. Revelation 16:13
And he laid hold on the dragon, that old serpent, which is the Devil, and Satan, and bound him a thousand years. Revelation 20:2
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/22/2013 02:38:00 PM 17 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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20 August 2013Was Ishmael (pb&jbuh) gay?
Sarah (she was called “Sarai” back then) was the first of a long line of barren women who were desperate for children. (In the Bible, it is the women who are barren, never the men.) So she sent Abraham (“Abram”) “in unto” her slave, Hagar, so that she can "obtain children by her." Abraham does as he’s told and impregnates Hagar.
Now Sarai Abram's wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai. Sarai ... took Hagar her maid the Egyptian ... and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife. And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived. Genesis 16:1-4
Soon Sarah became jealous of Hagar and treated her so badly that Hagar ran away. Then an angel appeared and told Hagar to return to her mistress. So she did, and amid this messed up family life situation Ishmael was born.
When Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face. And the angel of the LORD found her ... And he said ... Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands ... Behold, thou art with child and shalt bear a son, and shalt call his name Ishmael. 16:6-11
Fourteen years later, God helped Sarah get pregnant, and Isaac was born. (I’ll skip Bible quotes here.) Then after Isaac was weaned, Sarah saw the 16-year-old Ishmael “mocking” his two-year-old brother.
The child [Isaac] grew, and was weaned ... And Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, which she had born unto Abraham, mocking. 21:8-9
Some have suggested that Ishmael’s “mocking” of his younger brother Isaac was of a sexual nature, noting that the same word (metzahek) is used to describe the behaviour in this verse is used in Genesis 26:8 to describe Isaac's fondling of Rebekah.
Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was sporting [metzahek] with Rebekah his wife. 26:8
If so, that might explain Sarah’s hostility toward Ishmael, since in the very next verse she tells Abraham to abandon Ishmael and his mother Hagar. (Although Sarah was hostile to Ishmael while he was still in Hagar’s womb.)
Wherefore she said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman and her son. 21:10
God, by the way, agreed with Sarah, telling Abraham to do what she said.
And God said unto Abraham ... hearken unto her voice. 21:12
Maybe God saw what Sarah saw.

Posted by Steve Wells at 8/20/2013 12:12:00 PM 4 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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19 August 2013Herman Cain doubts that anyone will want to relax on their vacation while reading The Skeptics Annotated Bible
I never thought I'd see the day when the SAB was mentioned by Herman Cain. But it happened today.


Mr. Cain wrote an article in The Canada Free Press about the Gideon vs. Skeptic's Annotated Bible competition that is now taking place in Georgia's state parks. In it, he explains that Governor Nathan Deal decided to allow atheists to place their literature alongside Gideon Bibles.
Nathan Deal, who said that the state could hardly be seen to be establishing an official religion just because it allowed one group to donate Bibles. Besides, Deal said, if atheists wanted to donate atheist books, no one would stop them either.
But Mr. Cain doubts that many people will want to read the SAB.
The atheists are going to do just that. I’m having a hard time thinking that many people will want to relax on their vacation while reading The Skeptics Annotated Bible, but this is America so the atheists can give it their best shot.
And he's probably right about that.


But I bet the SABs will get more reading time than the Gideon Bibles. Because as anyone who has ever picked up a Gideon Bible knows -- the Bible is boring.


Here's what Mr. Cain's competitor, Mitt Romney, said about it.
I find myself having to read for an hour or so before I can fall asleep. And thanks to the Gideons, I've got good material.
I doubt if the SAB will have the same effect.
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/19/2013 08:35:00 AM 2 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 August 2013An interactive view of the SAB
OK, this is pretty cool.
It's a website (http://www.bibviz.com/) that displays various categories at the SAB in an interactive form. It's hard to describe and screenshots can't capture the interactive part. You've just got to go there to see for yourself.
The first plot shows the 474 contradictions that are listed at the SAB. When you pass your mouse over the lines on the chart, individual contradictions are highlighted, showing the verses involved. If you click on the highlighted line, it'll take you to the contradiction at the SAB.




[The blue lines at the bottom of the chart represent the chapters in the Bible, with the length scaled by the length of the chapter. (I'm not sure if that's the number of verses, words, or characters.) Clicking on a line will take you to that chapter at the Bible Gateway (not the SAB).]


Here's the cruelty category graph.




 It shows the number of cruel verses in each book of the Bible. The width of the bar is scaled by the length of the book, and the height by the number of cruel verses. It is similar to the my previous analysis, except this plot seems to use the number of verses instead of the number of passages listed at the SAB. (I'm not sure about this, though. If you figure that out, let us know in the comments.)
There are also graphs for the SAB categories of Science, Misogyny, and Homosexuality. Fun stuff.

Posted by Steve Wells at 8/18/2013 10:47:00 AM 1 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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14 August 2013Cage Match: The Holy Spirit vs. the Skeptic's Annotated Bible (Live in Georgia)
Here's what a visitor had to say:
"God gave us all free will, to make our own choice. If they leave their material in there, the holy spirit is the stronger spirit than theirs and people will read The Word over their words."
I'm not sure he's right about words and spirits and such, but I like the way he's thinking. Let's see what Governor Deal says. Will he allow the spirits to fight it out in the cage?
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Here are the latest news reports:
August 16 - Atheists to include books of choice in Georgia state park cabins
August 19 - Herman Cain: I’m having a hard time thinking that many people will want to relax on their vacation while reading The Skeptics Annotated Bible
Posted by Philip Wells at 8/14/2013 07:06:00 PM 1 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Skeptic's Annotated Bibles to be placed in Georgia State Parks today!
We have donated 100 copies of the Skeptic's Annotated Bible to be placed in the cabins in two Georgia State Parks this afternoon.
Ed Buckner (former president of the American Atheists) is placing them in Red Top Mountain State Park and A.H. Stephens State Park. Other books to be donated include Faith Fear Fact Fantasy by the late Dr. John Henderson and Why I am not a Muslim by Ibn Warraq. (These two titles were donated by the American Atheists.)



  

You can check out The Friendly Atheist's article here.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1:05 pm update: Tyler Morning Telegraph - Atheist texts delivered to Georgia state park
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/14/2013 11:46:00 AM 1 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Mr. Deity and the Hat

20 August 13 update: Since some of you may not have completely understood what Mr. Deity was referring to in the begging segment, I'm including his remarks about that below.


Posted by Steve Wells at 8/14/2013 07:52:00 AM 5 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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09 August 2013The Spirit of God came upon him and he stripped off all his clothes
Sometimes, to really get God’s attention, a prophet just has to get naked. At least that’s the way it worked for Saul.

The story begins with Saul being plagued by an evil spirit from God.

And the evil spirit from the LORD was upon Saul. 1 Samuel 19:9

Then Saul tries to kill David, but David’s wife, Michal, helped him escape.

So Saul sent messengers to find David, but they found Samuel and a group of prophesying prophets instead.

And Saul sent messengers to take David: and when they saw the company of the prophets prophesying, and Samuel standing as appointed over them. 19:20a

When the messengers saw everyone prophesying, the Spirit of God came upon them and  they started prophesying too.

The Spirit of God was upon the messengers of Saul, and they also prophesied. 19:20b

When Saul found out that his messengers were prophesying, he sent more messengers--and when they got to the prophesying party, they started “prophesying likewise.”

When it was told Saul, he sent other messengers, and they prophesied likewise. 19:21a

And when Saul heard that his second set of messengers were prophesying, he sent a third group of messengers and “they prophesied also.”

And Saul sent messengers again the third time, and they prophesied also.19:21b

After sending the three groups of messengers who all began prophesying, Saul decided to go there himself. As soon as he arrived, the Spirit of God came upon Saul also, and he began prophesying.

And he [Saul] went thither to Naioth in Ramah: and the Spirit of God was upon him also, and he went on, and prophesied. 19:23

And not only did Saul prophesy, but he stripped off all of his clothes “also.” Apparently when the Spirit of the Lord comes upon you and you start prophesying, you’ve got to take off all your clothes. God likes to see what he’s dealing with.

And he stripped off his clothes also. 19:24a

Saul was naked in front of God and everybody all day and all night.

And lay down naked all that day and all that night. 19:24b

That’s why they say, “Is Saul also among the prophets?”

Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets? 19:20-24c
I know that’s why I always say it.
But how come nobody prophesies naked anymore?
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/09/2013 04:11:00 PM 19 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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 27 September 2013Brucker's ASAB -- and was Jesus the (7th generation) son of a son of a bastard?
Some of you may recall Brucker's Bad News Bears post, which was a Christian response to God's 103rd killing. It is still the only response (after nearly four years) that I've had to my challenge to Christians, though I often get general excuses which can be summarized in this way: "God can kill whomever he wants, whenever he wants, anyway that he wants, for any reason he wants."
Brucker started the Annotated Skeptic's Annotated Bible back in 2005, beginning with Genesis 1, intending, I believe, to blog through the entire Bible. And he continued for for a few years until he finally got bogged down somewhere in Second Samuel. It was a valiant attempt, and I enjoyed reading his posts (though I seldom agreed with him) and I tried to put links to his posts at the bottom of the SAB's chapters.
Well, Brucker is back at it again, this time starting with Matthew. You can find his first post here.
Brucker's posts are especially interesting to me because he often points out things that I missed before. In his second paragraph of the Matthew 1 post, for example, Brucker brings up Jesus's questionable pedigree.
Jesus, according to Mathew 1:3-5, had a  seventh great grandfather (Phares) that was (from the Bible's point of view, anyway) a bastard.
(See also Luke 3:31-33)
Judas begat Phares ...
[Phares was a "bastard" to God. See Genesis 38:13-30]
[1] Esrom ...
[2] Aram ...
[3] Aminadab ...
[4] Naasson ...
[5] Salmon ...
[6] Booz ...
[7] Obed ...
[8] Jesse ....
[9] David.
And God said this in Deuteronomy 23:1:
A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
So Jesus should never have entered the congregation of the Lord -- and yet God not only let him into the congregation, he made him king over it.
It looks like another contradiction to me.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/27/2013 02:55:00 PM 4 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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17 September 2013SAB iPhone App is now available, and here's your chance to win a free one
You may have already heard: the long-awaited SAB iPhone App is now available! We've been working on it for over a year, and it feels good to get it out in the world. Now punk kids in churches everywhere will be quoting from their phones, asking tough questions with the scripture to back them up. Or so we hope.
Here's what it looks like on the iPhone:




We are working on an Android version, but since the Apple version took so much longer than we initially thought, we don't want to give a date yet. We'll keep you posted as it develops. And if you want to be a beta tester for the Android version, send an email to skepticapps@gmail.com and we'll add you to the list.

Also, if you want to try your luck to win a free version, head over to Hemant Mehta's Friendly Atheist blog for a chance to win one of 10 free apps. All you have to do is post your favorite out-of-context Bible verse in the comments.







Posted by Steve Wells at 9/17/2013 04:35:00 PM 2 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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12 September 2013Isaiah 17 and the non-prophet Muhammad
I suppose many Christians are disappointed now that Isaiah 17 is just another failed prophecy. Kerry and Putin have ruined everything for them. Now they won't be able to watch while God burns to death everyone in Damascus, with God himself lighting the fire. Oh well, I'm sure they can find another prophecy to look forward to that involves the suffering and death of millions of people. The Bible is filled with stuff like that.
But Christians aren't the only ones that have prophecies about Damascus. Here's what Muhammad said about it.
The end of the world will start with the arrival of the Dajjal, which is the Muslim version of the Anti-Christ. Muhammad (I'll just call him "Mo" from now on) knew exactly what would happen, even if he didn't know when. (He thought he might live to see it.) If the Dajjal came while Mo was still living, Mo would take care of all the Muslims.
I harbour fear in regard to you in so many other things besides the Dajjal. If he comes forth while I am among on, I shall contend with him on your behalf, but if he comes forth while I am not amongst you, a man must contend on his own behalf and Allah would take care of every Muslim on my behalf (and safeguard him against his evil).
The Dajjal will be a young man with a blind eye and twisted hair.
He (Dajjal) would be a young man with twisted, contracted hair, and a blind eye.
Here's a forensic facial composite sketch of the Dajjal.


If you see this guy coming, drop what you're doing and recite Surah 18 (The Cave).
He who amongst you would survive to see him should recite over him the opening verses of Sura Kahf (xviii.).
That will stop him, especially when you get to the part where Allah gives unbelievers a shower of molten lead to burn their faces.
We have prepared for disbelievers Fire. Its tent encloseth them. If they ask for showers, they will be showered with water like to molten lead which burneth the faces. Quran 18:29
The Dajjal will appear somewhere between Syria and Iraq. And he'll hang around for 439 days.
He would appear on the way between Syria and Iraq and would spread mischief right and left. O servant of Allah! adhere (to the path of Truth). We said: Allah's Messenger, how long would he stay on the earth? He said: For forty days, one day like a year and one day like a month and one day like a week and the rest of the days would be like your days.
He will make it rain and do other cool tricks, until one day he cuts a nice young man into two pieces and separates the two pieces by the distance between an archer and his target.
He would then call a person brimming with youth and strike him with the sword and cut him into two pieces and (make these pieces lie at a distance which is generally) between the archer and his target.
Then the Dajjal will call to the young man that he split into two pieces, and the pieces will go back together again, and the re-united young man will laugh and gleam with happiness.
He would then call (that young man) and he will come forward laughing with his face gleaming (with happiness)...
Once the split boy is back in one piece, a sweaty Jesus will descend onto the top of a mosque on the east side of Damascus, wearing two saffron robes while placing his hands on the wings of two angels.
... and it would at this very time that Allah would send Christ, son of Mary, and he will descend at the white minaret in the eastern side of Damascus wearing two garments lightly dyed with saffron and placing his hands on the wings of two Angels. When he would lower his head, there would fall beads of perspiration from his head, and when he would raise it up, beads like pearls would scatter from it.
Every non-believer who smells Jesus will die, and they will smell his breath as far as they can see.
Every non-believer who would smell the odour of his self would die and his breath would reach as far as he would be able to see.
 Jesus will find and kill the Dajjal at the gate of Ludd.
He would then search for him (Dajjal) until he would catch hold of him at the gate of Ludd and would kill him.
Then Jesus will wipe the faces of the Muslims, Allah will send God and Magog to swarm down from every slope and send insects to attack people's necks, and they'll all die like they were a single person.
Then a people whom Allah had protected would come to Jesus, son of Mary, and he would wipe their faces and would inform them of their ranks in Paradise ... and then Allah would send Gog and Magog and they would swarm down from every slope ... and Allah's Apostle, Jesus, and his companions would supplicate Allah, Who would send to them insects (which would attack their necks) and in the morning they would perish like one single person.
Jesus and his companions will come down to earth (I thought they were already down there), where they won't find a single place that isn't filled with rotting bodies and putrefying stench.
Allah's Apostle, Jesus, and his companions would then come down to the earth and they would not find in the earth as much space as a single span which is not filled with their putrefaction and stench.
To clean up the mess, Jesus and his companions will ask Allah to send birds with camel-like necks to carry off the stinky dead bodies.
Allah's Apostle, Jesus, and his companions would then again beseech Allah, Who would send birds whose necks would be like those of camels and they would carry them and throw them where God would will.
Once things are cleaned up a bit, Allah will send a pleasant wind that will soothe people -- even under their armpits! All the Muslims will be taken care of and the surviving wicked will commit adultery like asses while waiting for the last hour to come.
Allah would send a pleasant wind which would soothe (people) even under their armpits, and would take the life of every Muslim and only the wicked would survive who would commit adultery like asses and the Last Hour would come to them.
So at least there's that to look forward to.
Top that Christians!
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/12/2013 11:00:00 PM 4 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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10 September 2013New stuff coming up
We're starting a group called the SAB Inner Circle, which will be a group of 20-30 people who receive free advance copies of our upcoming books, the first news about SAB developments, and goodies like free app downloads and audiobook files.
In exchange, we are looking for feedback on the pre-publication material (so that we can improve it), and honest amazon reviews once the books are published and available to the public.
Upcoming works include:
The SAB iPhone App
Strange Flesh: The Bible's Contribution to the Homosexuality Debate
Drunk With Blood, Audiobook
The Skeptic's Annotated Book of Mormon
If we get a lot of emails requesting to join the group, preference will go to those who are involved with atheist groups, or those who have a large social media presence. Everyone who's interested should write in, though, and make your case why you think you'd be a good addition to the group.
If you are interested, please send an email to philwellsSAB *at* gmail.com. Make sure to include your mailing address in your email.
Thanks!

Posted by Philip Wells at 9/10/2013 10:48:00 AM 3 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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05 September 2013The Burden of Damascus: God will burn the city of his joy so that Jesus can return (or something like that)
As you've probably noticed by now, Christians are excited about Isaiah 17:1. Prophecy is being fulfilled right before their very eyes!
Here's what all the excitement is about:
The burden of Damascus. Behold, Damascus is taken away from being a city, and it shall be a ruinous heap. Isaiah 17:1
Not since the BP oil spill have Christians had such fun with a looming disaster. God has inspired Barack Obama to attack Syria, which (they hope and pray) will result in the complete destruction of Damascus.
Yes, God is using Obama to destroy Damascus -- the city of praise and the city of God's joy. (The city of God's joy is not Jerusalem, Mecca, Rome, or Salt Lake City. It's Damascus.)
Damascus ... the city of praise ... the city of my joy! Jeremiah 49:24-25
God will destroy his favorite city with fire, and he will light the fire himself.
... Her young men shall fall in her streets, and all the men of war shall be cut off in that day, saith the LORD of hosts. And I will kindle a fire in the wall of Damascus. Jeremiah 49:26-27
And why is God going to destroy Damascus? Well, partly, I guess, to fulfill the prophecy in the Bible. He's been embarrassed by failed prophecy ever since Jesus told his followers that he'd return while they were still alive. So it's worth it to God to burn to death 1.7 million people in order to get at least one prophecy properly fulfilled.
But there's another reason, too. It turns out that God can't let Jesus return until he destroys Damascus by fire. I'm not sure how he figures that, but believers say that it is so.
It's right there in the Bible somewhere.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/05/2013 10:22:00 AM 27 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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02 September 2013Call me Ishi
That's what God wants you to call him. He said so in the Bible.
It shall be at that day, saith the LORD, that thou shalt call me Ishi. Hosea 2:16
If you call him "Ishi" (hubsand),  he'll make a covenant with the beasts, fowls, and creeping things.
In that day will I make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field and with the fowls of heaven, and with the creeping things of the ground. 2:18
Then he'll marry and get to know you.
I will betroth thee unto me for ever ... and thou shalt know the LORD. 2:19-20
On his (and your) wedding day, he (Ishi) will hear the heavens and the heavens will hear the earth. The earth will hear the corn, and the wine, and the oil. And Ishi will sow his wife (you) on the earth. (Or something like that.)
In that day, I will hear, saith the LORD, I will hear the heavens, and they shall hear the earth. And the earth shall hear the corn, and the wine, and the oil ... And I will sow her unto me in the earth. 2:21-23
So give it some thought. It might be a lot of fun.
Make God happy; call him "Ishi" and marry him. He'll get to know you and sow you like a field.
He'll make a deal with the animals; he'll hear the heavens, the heavens will hear the earth, and the earth will hear the corn, wine, and oil.
A good time will be had by all.
And you and Ishi will live happily together forever.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/02/2013 01:29:00 PM 5 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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 31 October 2013Drunk With Blood, kindle (2nd edition) is now available
The Kindle version of the 2nd Edition is now available at Amazon.




Posted by Steve Wells at 10/31/2013 08:52:00 PM 2 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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On the road with the SAB: Arkansas to Alabama
After the Reason in the Rock convention was over, Philip and I headed east through Arkansas, Mississippi, and Alabama, passing what must be the highest density of Baptist and Pentecostal churches in the entire world. As we drove we listened to the radio -- Christian radio, that is, since there was nothing else except an occasional country music station. We even got a chance to hear Harold Camping's Family Radio show. You just can't get better entertainment than that.
The hotels all had Gideon Bibles, of course, but some also included a wide assortment of Christian tracts.The titles included: "A lost soul on judgment morning", "The coming of the Lord will be soon", and "Ye must be born again".
Along Interstate 40 we passed many interesting billboards. Here's one that that we saw east of Little Rock.




I especially like the top one, which is taken from Proverbs 23:13-14.
Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.
It is, after all, one of one of the 208 ways to get saved. (#110: Ask your parents to beat you with a rod)


Posted by Steve Wells at 10/31/2013 04:38:00 PM 2 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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30 October 2013On the road with the SAB: Moscow to Little Rock
If you've been wondering why I haven't posted much lately, it's because I'm on a crazy road trip with my son, Philip. We packed our old Prius with SABs and DWBs and headed to Arkansas to attend the 2nd annual Reason in the Rock.
There were some great speakers and presentations, which will be online later. I'll post some links when they are available.
Meanwhile, here's an interview that I did at RITR for Rachel Johnson's Pink Atheist podcast. (The interview starts at about 97:30.)

Popular Atheism Internet Radio with The Pink Atheist on BlogTalkRadio
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/30/2013 08:46:00 PM 2 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 October 2013OMGWTFBible: A loose translation
I first heard about this from a recent article in the Tablet. Comedian David Tuchman is translating the Hebrew Bible and recording it live at various venues in New York City. He invites a guest on the show to read his translation while he makes fun of it. It's great so far.
David Tuchman is Jewish (as are many of his guests) so he knows Hebrew well, and is familiar with rabbinical interpretation of the Hebrew scriptures. There's always something in each episode that I missed at the SAB. So I'm adding stuff as I listen.
My only concern is the pace. He's been doing this for a year now and he's still not through Genesis. At that rate I won't live long enough to hear him do Malachi. (If he continues at the current rate, he'll finish in 2040.)
I'd like to hear him do Malachi 2:3, for example.
Behold, I will corrupt your seed and spread dung upon your faces.
And then finish with the happy ending of the Hebrew scriptures:
...lest I come and smite the earth with a curse. Malachi 4:6
So I suggest that he pick up the pace a bit. How about weekly, or even daily?
Here's his latest episode. Enjoy!
(I should also mention that the chapters in Tuchman's bible don't match the traditional ones. Which is OK, since the chapter numbers are arbitrary anyway. But it does make it a bit hard to follow.)

Posted by Steve Wells at 10/18/2013 04:38:00 PM 2 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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15 October 2013Eid al-Adha
Today is Eid al-Adha. You know, the day where you're supposed to kill an animal for God in honor of Abraham's willingness to kill his son.
Hundreds of millions of animals throughout the world will have their throats slit today just to make Allah happy.

It is amazing how much evil can be caused by an imaginary God.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/15/2013 08:00:00 AM 79 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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05 October 2013A strategy for Christians who object to same-sex weddings
It's hard to be a Christian these days. Everyone makes fun of you and sometimes you're forced to do things that are contrary to your beliefs.
For example, say you have a business that caters to weddings. Since such a service is open to the public, civil rights legislation requires you to make that service available everyone, without discriminating on the basis of race, color, religion, or national origin. And as more states are recognize same-sex marriages and anti-discrimination laws are expanded to include LGBT people, Christians may be forced to provide services to marriages that they disapprove of.
So what's a Christian to do in such a situation?
Well, Tim Bayly has a strategy for you. Here's what he says at his blog.
Of course, I will provide my stuff for your wedding. I serve, and am required to serve, everyone, whether or not I approve of what he is doing. However, you do understand that if I am at your so-called 'wedding,' I will consider it my duty to call attention to God's view of what you are doing. I will consider it my obligation to warn the guests of the danger they are running and of the harm all of you are doing to your own lives as God observes them. So, I will be distributing literature that explains all this.
And I thank you for the opportunity to reach people who otherwise might never hear this message that I believe they desperately need to hear.
That's right. Mr. Bayly suggests that you agree to perform the service and then, when you arrive at the wedding, disrupt it by passing out anti-gay literature and making anti-gay sermons. Read the Bible to the wedding guests and display a "God Hates Fags" banner. Picture a same-sex wedding catered by Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church and then go and do likewise.
Which is an interesting idea. But it's not a very biblical one. Here's what I suggested in a comment to his post.
Why not agree to provide the service and then, when you arrive at the wedding, stone the happy couple to death in accordance with Leviticus 20:13? ("If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.")
To which Mr. Bayly replied:
Because, Mr. Wells, God has delegated the sword to the civil magistrate, and currently he's occupied using that sword to protect those paid to murder 1,350,000 little babies in our nation each year.
I responded with this comment, my last at his blog, apparently.
Sounds like an excuse to me, Tim.
God commands believers to kill non-celibate male homosexuals in Leviticus 20:13. No civil magistrate is mentioned or required.
But OK. I understand. You think God went just a bit too far in Leviticus 20:13. You're not willing to obey him here. Good for you.
You'd like someone else to do it for you. The civil magistrate, local police, your church governing body, whoever. Anyone but you. You'd like the blood of homosexuals to "be upon them," but you don't want the blood on your hands.
[NOTE FROM TB: From outside sources, I've learned Mr. Wells is a public mocker of the Triune God and His Word, so he won't be commenting here, again.]
It's hard to find a Christian who is willing to obey God's clear command in Leviticus 20:13. [Although there was one commenter (Bryan) who said this: "I certainly wouldn't mind stoning a homosexual to death...."]
Only Muslims (and Bryan) are willing to obey God on that one.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/05/2013 10:24:00 PM 18 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Islam: It's mostly about going to the bathroom
Blogging the Book of Mormon
50 reasons to be ashamed (and not a fan) of Jesus
Who has killed more, Satan or God?
God's Top 50 Killings in the Bible
Where do evil spirits come from?
David, a man after God's own heart (WWDD?)
The worth of a woman: The Bible vs. the Quran
208 ways to get yourself saved
Real men pee standing up
Everybody must get stoned
Where do evil spirits come from?
What does Jesus have written on his testicles?
Which is more violent, the Bible or the Quran?
Why Christian "Marriage" is Wrong
Is it wrong to burn people to death?
The Top 50 Bible Stories for kids
Which bits of the Bible are we still to believe?
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 27 November 2013Thanksgivukkah: That's what Hanukkah is all about, Charlie Brown
Since Hanukkah (more of less) coincides with Thanksgiving this year, I thought I'd do a post in honor of Thanksgivukkah.
Everyone knows about Thanksgiving (more or less). But how many know about Hanukkah?
It's all about the Hanukkah killings (Killing 145 in Drunk With Blood: God's killings in the Bible).
Here's the story.
A year after God's slaughter of Georga's army, Lysias attacked Judas with army of 60,000.
The year following Lysias gathered together threescore thousand chosen men, and five thousand horsemen. 1 Machabees 4:28
Judas asked God to deliver the Syrians like he did the mighty and the strangers to David and Jonathan.
Judas met them with ten thousand men ... and he prayed, and said: Blessed art thou, O Saviour of Israel, who didst break the violence of the mighty by the hand of thy servant David, and didst deliver up the camp of the strangers into the hands of Jonathan the son of Saul and of his armourbearer. 4:29-30
He asked God to scare the hell out of them.
Strike them with fear ... and let them quake at their own destruction. 4:32
And kill them with the sword of those that love him.
Cast them down with the sword of them that love thee: and let all that know thy name, praise thee with hymns. 4:33
And it worked. God helped Judas kill another 5000.
And there fell of the army of Lysias five thousand men. 4:34
After God "discomfited" the Gentiles, Judas and his brethren went to clean up the Temple.
Then Judas, and his brethren said: Behold our enemies are discomfited: let us go up now to cleanse the holy places and to repair them. 4:36
They found the Temple to be a bit of a mess.
And they saw the sanctuary desolate, and the altar profaned, and the gates burnt, and shrubs growing up in the courts as in a forest, or on the mountains, and the chambers joining to the temple thrown down. 4:38
So they did the usual things that Jews do when they get upset: they rent their garments, put ashes on their heads, and fell on their faces.
They rent their garments ... and put ashes on their heads ...And they fell ... on their faces. 4:39-40
Then they cleaned things up at the Temple and killed some animals for God.
They made new holy vessels, and brought in the candlestick, and the altar of incense, and the table into the temple. And they put incense upon the altar, and lighted up the lamps ... And they offered sacrifice. 4:49-53
And everyone fell on their faces once again. (You just can't do that too many times.)
And all the people fell upon their faces . 4:55
When the Gentiles found out that the Jews had cleaned up the temple, they were exceedingly angry.
Now it came to pass, when the nations round about heard that the altar and the sanctuary were built up as before, that they were exceeding angry. 1 Machabees 5:1
And began to persecute and kill the Jews.
And they thought to destroy the generation of Jacob that were among them, and they began to kill some of the people, and to persecute them. 5:2
Which got Judas (and God) in a killing mood once again. He slaughtered the children of Esau.
Judas fought against the children of Esau in Idumea, and them that were in Acrabathane ... and he made a great slaughter of them. 5:3
Burned to death the children of Bean.
He remembered the malice of the children of Bean ... And they were shut up by him in towers, and he ... burnt their towers with fire, and all that were in them. 5:4-5
And smote the children of Ammon.
Then he passed over to the children of Ammon ... and they were discomfited in their sight, and he smote them. 5:6-7
God helped Judas kill the Gentiles because God likes the Jewish people more than other people, likes the Jewish religion more than other religions, and likes Jews to kill sacrifice animals to him in the Temple. After the slaughter of the Gentiles and the re-dedication of the Temple, the Jews established the annual eight-day festival, which we know today as Hanukkah.
Judas, and his brethren, and all the church of Israel decreed, that the day of the dedication of the altar should be kept in its season from year to year for eight days, from the five and twentieth day of the month of Casleu. 1 Machabees 4:59
And that's what Hanukkah is all about, Charlie Brown.
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/27/2013 12:43:00 PM 1 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Pope Francis: Islam and the Quran are opposed to every form of violence
In his first apostolic exhortation, Evangelii Gaudium ("The Joy of the Gospel"), Pope Francis pontificates about Islam.
Here's what he said in paragraph 253.
Faced with disconcerting episodes of violent fundamentalism, our respect for true followers of Islam should lead us to avoid hateful generalizations, for authentic Islam and the proper reading of the Koran are opposed to every form of violence.
So according to Pope Francis, we should replace "hateful generalizations" about Islam and the Quran with the hopeful (and obviously false) generalizations that Islam and the Quran "are opposed to every form of violence."
It is, of course, obvious to anyone who has read the Quran or today's newspaper that the pope's generalization is false. Islam is not opposed to every form of violence, and neither is the Quran.
Here are some verses from the Quran that the pope assures us are completely nonviolent.
Slay them wherever ye find them, and drive them out of the places  whence they drove you out ... If  they attack you (there) then slay them. Such is the reward of disbelievers. Quran 2:191
Fight them until persecution is no more, and religion is for Allah. 2:193
We shall cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. 3:151
Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath made the one of them to excel the other. ... So good women are the obedient. ... As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds  apart, and scourge them. 4:34
Those who disbelieve Our revelations, We shall expose them to the Fire. As often as their skins are consumed We shall exchange them for fresh skins that they may taste the torment. 4:56
Those who believe do battle for the cause of Allah; and those who disbelieve do battle for the cause of idols. So fight the minions of the devil. 4:76
Choose not friends from them [unbelievers]. ... Take them and kill them  wherever ye find them. 4:89
Take them [unbelievers] and kill them wherever ye find them. Against such We have given you clear warrant. 4:91
The disbelievers are an open enemy to you. 4:101
Choose not disbelievers for (your) friends in place of  believers. Would ye give Allah a clear warrant against you? 4:144
The only reward of those who make war upon Allah and His messenger ... will be that they will be killed or crucified, or have their hands and feet on alternate sides cut off, or will be expelled out of the land. Such  will be their degradation in the world, and in the Hereafter theirs will be an awful doom. 5:33
As for the thief, both male and female, cut off their hands. ... An exemplary punishment from Allah. 5:38
Take not the Jews and the Christians for friends. ... He among you who taketh them for friends is (one) of them. 5:51
The Jews ... We have cast among them enmity and hatred till the Day of Resurrection. 5:64
I will throw fear into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Then smite the necks and smite of them each finger. 8:12
Fight them until persecution is no more, and religion is all for Allah. 8:39
It is not for any prophet to have captives until he hath made slaughter in the land. 8:67
Slay the idolaters wherever ye  find them, and take them (captive), and besiege them, and prepare for them each ambush. 9:5
Choose not your fathers nor your brethren for friends if they take pleasure in disbelief rather than faith. Whoso of you taketh them for friends, such are wrong-doers. 9:23
The Jews ... and the Christians ... Allah (Himself) fighteth against them. How  perverse are they! 9:30
O Prophet! Strive against the disbelievers and the hypocrites! Be harsh with  them. Their ultimate abode is hell, a hapless journey's end. 9:73
O ye who believe! Fight those of the disbelievers who are near to you, and  let them find harshness in you. 9:123
But as for those who disbelieve, garments of fire will  be cut out for them; boiling fluid will be poured down on their heads, Whereby that which is in their bellies, and their skins too, will be melted; And for them are hooked rods of iron. 22:19-21
Muhammad is the messenger of Allah. And those with him are hard against the disbelievers and merciful among themselves. 48:29
Those who take for friends a folk with whom Allah is wroth ... Allah hath prepared for them a dreadful doom. 58:14
Tell their  brethren who disbelieve among the People of the Scripture ... that they verily are liars. 59:11
O ye who believe! Choose not My enemy and your enemy for allies. Do ye give them friendship when they disbelieve? 60:1
O Prophet! Strive against the disbelievers and the hypocrites, and be stern with them. Hell will be their home, a hapless journey's end. 66:9



Posted by Steve Wells at 11/27/2013 11:45:00 AM 19 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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20 November 2013The Poverty and Justice Bible: Another exercise in dishonesty
20 Nov 13 Note: Back in January of 2009, after President Obama took the oath of office (without a Bible), the Evangelical Alliance sent him a copy of "the poverty and justice bible." Now the American Bible Society is sending copies of the same edition  to all of the 535 members of Congress. So I thought I'd update my 2009 post one of the two most dishonest Bible editions (the other is "The Green Bible").

In previous posts I've mentioned the Green Bible, which highlights in green all the verses in the Bible that show God's loving concern for the environment. Of course, if they were being honest, there wouldn't be a single highlighted verse. Because the God of the Bible doesn't give a shit about the environment.
But they are not being honest, so they highlight verses like Numbers 21:6-7, where God sent snakes to bite and kill people for complaining about lack of food and water (God's 26th Killing).
I suppose this passage was highlighted because it had snakes in it (well, actually "fiery serpents"). So God must care about snakes (since he sent them to bite and kill people) or something.
A similar approach was taken by The Poverty and Justice Bible. It highlights in orange the verses that show God's attitude toward poverty and justice. In it they claim to have highlighted over 2000 verses. Among them is Joshua 7:25-26. I'll quote these verses using the translation that they use (the Contemporary English Version).
Joshua said, "Achan, you have caused us a lot of trouble. Now the Lord is paying you back with the same kind of trouble.
The people of Israel then stoned to death Achan and his family. They made a fire and burnt the bodies, together with what Achan had stolen, and all his possessions. They covered the remains with a big pile of rocks, which is still there. Then the Lord stopped being angry with Israel.
So this passage (God's 34th Killing) was highlighted in the PAJ Bible to show God's attitude towards justice -- which in this case is that anyone that steals stuff from God (after he had Israelites steal it from others after killing them all) should be stoned to death, along with his entire family.
In looking over the two (the Green and PAJ Bibles), I'm not sure which is more dishonest. If you get a chance, check them out at the library and let me know what you think. (Don't buy them, though. They're not worth it.)
The PAJ Bible, by the way, was sent to President Obama after his second oath of office by the Evangelical Alliance (the wording of his first oath was botched and had to be repeated). Since he didn't have a Bible for his second oath, they wanted to make sure he'd always have one around, one "that focuses on these issues that are so close to his, and God’s, heart.”
So now, thanks to the Evangelical Society, the American Bible Society, and the PAJ Bible, President Obama and Congress will know just what to do with someone that steals genocidal holy war booty from God: have everyone in the country stone him and his family to death and then burn them all for God. That way God won't be angry at us anymore.
(Maybe I should send the president and each member of Congress a copy of the Skeptic's Annotated Bible. But then, I know what they'd do with it -- the same thing they'll do with the Poverty and Justice Bible (throw it away).


Posted by Steve Wells at 11/20/2013 12:01:00 PM 9 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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19 November 2013God hates ornaments
Here's a fun little Bible story that I somehow forgot to include in the SAB. (I've added it this morning.)
It occurs in Exodus 33, just after God killed some of the Israelites in a plague (God's 15th Killing) because "of the calf, which Aaron made."
And the LORD plagued the people, because they made the calf, which Aaron made. Exodus 32:35
And before God shows Moses his back parts.
And it shall come to pass, while my glory passeth by, that I will put thee in a clift of the rock, and will cover thee with my hand while I pass by. And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen. 33:22-23
After the golden calf affair, God settled down a bit, and promised to lead Moses to a land flowing with milk and honey.
And the LORD said unto Moses, Depart ... Unto a land flowing with milk and honey. 33:1-3a
He said he'd send an angel to drive out (kill?) all the current inhabitants of the land. (Including the Canaanites and the Jebusites)
I will send an angel before thee; and I will drive out the Canaanite, the Amorite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, the Hivite, and the Jebusite. 33:2
(It turns out that God didn't keep his promise, but that's another story. See Joshua 15:63, 16:10, 17.12-13: Judges 1:21, 27, 3:1-5)
But God said he wouldn't be going with them, since if he did, he'd end up killing the lot of them for being so goddamned "stiffnecked."
 I will not go up in the midst of thee; for thou art a stiffnecked people: lest I consume thee in the way. 33:3b
When the people heard God's promise/threat, they mourned and took off their ornaments.
And when the people heard these evil tidings, they mourned: and no man did put on him his ornaments ... And the children of Israel stripped themselves of their ornaments. 33:4, 6
Which was a good thing, too, since God said he'd kill them all on the spot if he saw any ornaments.
For the LORD had said unto Moses, Say unto the children of Israel, Ye are a stiffnecked people: I will come up into the midst of thee in a moment, and consume thee: therefore now put off thy ornaments from thee, that I may know what to do unto thee." 33.5
Because God hates ornaments.
(We already knew that God hates Christmas trees; now we know that he hates ornaments as well.)
(I'm not sure what the ornaments were exactly, but it couldn't have been the gold jewelry that the Israelites stole from the Egyptians, since they'd already given it to Aaron for his golden calf.)

Posted by Steve Wells at 11/19/2013 01:10:00 PM 2 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 November 2013The Skeptic's Annotated "Noah" trailer
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/18/2013 07:05:00 PM 1 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Slide show of our SAB road trip
I made a slide show of our trip. Some of the photos aren't the best quality, so you might want to view it in full screen mode.
SAB road trip! by Slidely Slideshow
Posted by Philip Wells at 11/18/2013 01:29:00 PM 1 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Pat Condell: How gay is Islam?

0:28 - "Among UK Muslims disapproval is 100%."
"Muslims in Britain have zero tolerance towards homosexual acts. ... None of the 500 British Muslims interviewed believed that homosexual acts were morally acceptable."
Muslims in Britain have zero tolerance of homosexuality, says poll The Guardian, 7 May 2009
2:28 "In Iran, they've settled the matter by hanging them from cranes in public."
Gays should be tortured and hanged, says Iranian minister meeting British MPs Daily Mail, 14 Nov 2007
Execution in Iran
2:32 - "In Mauritania they use the more traditional method, stoning to death."
"Any adult Muslim man who commits an impudent act against nature with an individual of his sex will face the penalty of death by public stoning."
"Deciphering Motive: Establishing Sexual Orientation as the 'One Central Reason' for Persecution in Asylum Claims", Columbia Human Rights Law Review, authored by Ritu Ghai, 43.2:349 (2012), page 522, footnote #4
2:37 - "In Saudi Arabia they prefer beheading, as they do for many things in that country, including witchcraft."
In January 2002, Saudi Arabia executed three men for "sodomy, marriage among themselves, and inciting pedophilia" (Paris Le Monde 4 Jan. 2002). The three men were beheaded by sword in public.
Saudi Arabia: The situation of homosexuals, including treatment by authorities and legal penalties Refworld
2:45 - "In countries that don't include the death penalty for being gay, it's still punishable by flogging and imprisonment."
Maldives (100% Muslim) — House arrest for women; banishment or whippings for men.
Morocco (99.9% Muslim) — Fine and between six month and three years in jail.
Afghanistan (>99% Muslim) — Imprisonment.
Kuwait — (>99% Muslim) Up to seven years in jail.
Somalia (99% Muslim) — Possible death penalty by stoning in southern parts of the country; elsewhere, a jail sentence of up to three years.
Algeria (99% Muslim) — Fines and a jail sentence of up to three years.
Yemen (~99% Muslim) — Imprisonment up to seven years, whipping with 100 lashes, or death by stoning, depending on gender and circumstances.
Tunisia (~98%) — Up to three years in prison; same-sex activity between women is legal.
Sudan (>97% Muslim) — Five years in prison, life imprisonment, flogging, and/or death penalty.
Libya — (97% Muslim) Up to five years of jail time.
Pakistan (96.4%) — Between two and 10 years in prison.
Bangladesh (89% Muslim) — Fine and up to 10 years in prison.
Syria (~87% Muslim) — Up to three years in prison.
Qatar (81% Muslim) — Up to seven years in prison (and for Muslims, corporal punishment or death).
Oman (75% Muslim) — Imprisonment from six months to three years.
Malaysia (61.3% Muslim) — Up to 20 years in prison and possibly whipping.
BuzzFeed: 76 Countries Where Anti-Gay Laws Are As Bad As Or Worse Than Russia’s (% Muslim statistics from Wikipedia)
2:49 - "It was announced recently that several Islamic countries are trying to find a medical test to detect gay people and stop them at the border, so disgusted are they to homosexuality."
Gulf states to introduce medical testing on travelers to 'detect' gay people and stop them from entering the country Mail Online 8 October 2013
3:00 - "They even forced the United Nations to remove sexual orientation from a resolution condemning arbitrary executions, because Islamic countries want the right to arbitrarily execute gay people without being condemned for it."
UN cowardice is a betrayal of its gay citizens Patrick Strudwick: The Guardian, 23 Nov 2013
U.N. panel cuts gay reference from violence measure Reuters, Nov 17, 2010
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/18/2013 10:33:00 AM 39 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 November 2013Drunk With Blood: Audiobook preview
Well, we're finally back from our cross-country road trip. I'll put up a few more pictures (I'll even include one of Steve Weeks!) and tell you about our adventures in a later post. Until then, I thought I'd let you preview the first few chapters of the audiobook, which should be available next week at audible.com and iTunes.
Introduction


Genesis


Exodus





Posted by Steve Wells at 11/16/2013 01:38:00 PM 1 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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06 November 2013On the road with the SAB: Palmyra, New York -- the birthplace of Mormonism
After Philip subbed for me at the Magnet Theater in New York City, we headed west toward Palmyra, New York -- the birthplace of Mormonism. We started with a guided tour of the Grandin Printing Shop, where the Book of Mormon was first printed in 1830. Then we toured the Smith family log home and visited the "sacred grove" where Jesus and his father first appeared to the 14-year old Joseph Smith. We finished up by climbing Hill Cumorah, where he dug up the golden plates.
Our tour guide was a nice young woman who tried her very best to convert us. She insisted that we give the Moroni challenge a try in the sacred grove. (This challenge is based on Moroni 10:4, which is the John 3:16 equivalent in Mormonism.) We agreed to do so if she would read Deuteronomy 13:6-10 and explain how a kind and loving God could inspire such a passage. She promised to read it and send us her explanation in an email. I'll let you how that turns out.


So Philip and I took the Moroni 10:4 challenge in the sacred grove.


And here's Philip at the Moroni monument on the top of Hill Cumorah.


Next stop: Mundelein, Illinois.
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/06/2013 07:42:00 PM 16 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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On the road with the SAB: The Magnet Theater in New York City
Steve was sick, so I filled in. The show will be up next week, but an audience member tagged me in this photo:


Here's the link.
Posted by Philip Wells at 11/06/2013 07:31:00 PM 3 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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01 November 2013On the road with the SAB: Red Top Mountain and A. H. Stephens State Parks
As I mentioned back in August, Skeptic's Annotated Bibles were placed in cottages rented by the Georgia state parks. So since Philip and I were on our way to New York, and since Georgia is (sort of) on the way, we decided to visit the parks that agreed to put SABs next to Gideon Bibles in their cottages.
The first park that we visited was Red Top Mountain. We asked the park ranger if we could view the rooms, and to our surprise, she said OK.
Here is what we found when we opened the drawer next to the bed.




Red Top Mountain state park has eight cottages with an SAB (and a Gideon Bible) in each of the two bedrooms. (We didn't check all of them, but the ranger assured us that there are two in each cottage.)
Our next stop was A. H. Stephens State Historical Park near Crawfordville, Georgia. There are four cottages at the park that were also supplied with SABs. So we stopped at the office and asked the park manager if we could see one of them. He said OK, and, once again, we found an SAB sitting next to a Gideon Bible in each of the two bedroom drawers.




The strangest thing about this very strange affair is that apparently no one has yet commented or complained. I'd have never thought such a thing could happen in Georgia.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The second park that we visited, by the way, is named after Alexander H. Stephens who was the Vice President of the Confederacy. Here's what he had to say about slavery:
Our new Government is founded upon exactly the opposite ideas; its foundations are laid, its cornerstone rests, upon the great truth that the negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery, subordination to the superior race, is his natural and normal condition. (Cornerstone Speech)
Here is his statue by his graveside at the park.
File:Stephens Monument.JPG
Alexander H. Stephens graveside memorial at A. H. Stephens State Park
Next stop: New York City.

Posted by Steve Wells at 11/01/2013 06:45:00 PM 2 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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 A biased sample
A Challenge to Christians
How many has God killed? (Complete list and estimated total)
Islam: It's mostly about going to the bathroom
Blogging the Book of Mormon
50 reasons to be ashamed (and not a fan) of Jesus
Who has killed more, Satan or God?
God's Top 50 Killings in the Bible
Where do evil spirits come from?
David, a man after God's own heart (WWDD?)
The worth of a woman: The Bible vs. the Quran
208 ways to get yourself saved
Real men pee standing up
Everybody must get stoned
Where do evil spirits come from?
What does Jesus have written on his testicles?
Which is more violent, the Bible or the Quran?
Why Christian "Marriage" is Wrong
Is it wrong to burn people to death?
The Top 50 Bible Stories for kids
Which bits of the Bible are we still to believe?
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Dwindling In Unbelief



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 29 December 2013114 Bible-based New Year's Resolutions for 2014
The Christian Post has an article suggesting 10 Bible-based New Year's resolutions for 2014. And I think that's a wonderful idea. So wonderful, in fact, that I thought I'd try to help them out with that. Here is a list of 114 ways to apply the Bible to your daily life in 2014.
Get drunk and naked. If your kids happen to see you in that condition, curse their children (your grandchildren) and all of their descendants with slavery.
Noah ... drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent ... And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father ... Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. Genesis 9:20-25
Offer your virgin daughters to a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers.
I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes. Genesis 19:8
Get drunk and impregnate your virgin daughters.
Lot went up ... and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters. And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. Genesis 19:30-37
Have sex with someone by mistake.
And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her. And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife that I may go in unto her ... And it came to pass in the evening, that he took Leah his daughter, and brought her to him; and he went in unto her ... And it came to pass, that in the morning, behold, it was Leah. Genesis 29:20-25
Buy sex with mandrakes.
And Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son's mandrakes. And Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night. Genesis 30:15-16
Have sex with your father's concubine.
Reuben went and lay with his father's concubine. Genesis 35:22
Have sex with your dead brother's wife. (But be sure not to spill it on the ground.)
And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him. And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife ... And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground ... And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also. Genesis 38:7-10
Have sex with your dead son's wife. (And then threaten to burn her to death.)
And it was told Tamar, saying, Behold thy father in law goeth up to Timnath to shear his sheep. And she put her widow's garments off from her, and covered her with a vail, and wrapped herself, and sat in an open place, which is by the way to Timnath; for she saw that Shelah was grown, and she was not given unto him to wife. When Judah saw her, he thought her to be an harlot; because she had covered her face. And he turned unto her by the way, and said, Go to, I pray thee, let me come in unto thee; (for he knew not that she was his daughter in law.) And she said, What wilt thou give me, that thou mayest come in unto me? ... And he gave it her, and came in unto her, and she conceived by him. ... And it came to pass about three months after, that it was told Judah, saying, Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt. Genesis 38:13-24
Burn to death any whore-like daughters of priests.
And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire. Leviticus 21:9
Eat the flesh of your sons and daughters.
Ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29
And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters. Deuteronomy 28:53
Drink dead people's blood.
Rise up as a great lion ... and drink the blood of the slain. Numbers 23:24
Hang all the heads of the people up before the Lord.
Take all the heads of the people, and hang them up before the LORD against the sun, that the fierce anger of the LORD may be turned away. Numbers 25:4
Thrust a spear through the bellies of an inter-faith couple while they're having sex. (It will stop God from killing people.)
Phinehas ... thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel. Numbers 25:6-9
Kill all the males and non-virgin females, but keep the women children alive for yourselves.
Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Numbers 31:17-18
Kill your entire family if they believe the wrong things.
If thy brother ... or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods ... Thou shalt not consent unto him ... neither shall thine eye pity him ... But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. Deuteronomy 13:6-13
Have a conversation with your donkey.
And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times? And Balaam said unto the ass... Numbers 22:28-30
Circumcise the foreskin of your heart.
Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart. Deuteronomy 10:16
Rend your clothes. (Then fall on your face and put dust on your head.)
And Joshua rent his clothes, and fell to the earth upon his face before the ark of the LORD until the eventide, he and the elders of Israel, and put dust upon their heads. Joshua 7:6
Put your feet on the necks of kings. (Before killing them.)
Joshua called for all the men of Israel, and said unto the captains of the men of war which went with him, Come near, put your feet upon the necks of these kings. And they came near, and put their feet upon the necks of them. And Joshua said unto them, Fear not, nor be dismayed, be strong and of good courage: for thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies against whom ye fight. Joshua 10:24-25
Hang some dead bodies on trees until evening.
And afterward Joshua smote them, and slew them, and hanged them on five trees: and they were hanging upon the trees until the evening. Joshua 10:26
Deliver a message from God. (A knife blade thrust into a fat man's belly.)
And he brought the present unto Eglon king of Moab and Eglon was a very fat man. ... And Ehud said, I have a message from God unto thee ... And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly: And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out. Judges 3:17-22
Kill 600 Philistines with an ox goad.
Shamgar ... slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad. Judges 3:31
Pound a tent stake through a sleeping man's head.
Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died. Judges 4:21
Put God to the test.
Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said. Judges 6:36-40
Offer your virgin daughter as a burnt sacrifice to God.
The Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah, and he ... vowed a vow unto the Lord, and said, If thou shalt ... deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then ... whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return ... shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering ... The LORD delivered them into his hands ... And he smote them ... even twenty cities ... with a very great slaughter ... His daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances ... Her father ... did with her according to his vow which he had vowed. Judges 11:29-39
Take the shibboleth test.
Then said they unto him, Say now Shibboleth: and he said Sibboleth: for he could not frame to pronounce it right. Then they took him, and slew him at the passages of Jordan: and there fell at that time of the Ephraimites forty and two thousand. Judges 12:6
Kill 30 men for their clothes.
And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men ... and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle.Judges 14:19
Get 300 foxes, tie their tails together, and light them on fire.
Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, and took firebrands, and turned tail to tail, and put a firebrand in the midst between two tails. And when he had set the brands on fire, he let them go Judges 15:4-8
Kill 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.
The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him ... And he found a new jawbone of an ass and slew a thousand men therewith. Judges 15:14-15
Kill 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack.
Now the house was full of ... about three thousand men and women ... And Samson called unto the LORD, and said, O Lord God .. strengthen me ... that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes ... and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life. Judges 16:27-30
Send a concubine body part message.
And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel. Judges 19:29
Kill everyone in town except the virgin females. (Then give the virgins to the men that survived your previous genocide.)
What one is there of the tribes of Israel that came not up to Mizpeh to the LORD? And, behold, there came none to the camp from Jabeshgilead ... Destroy every male, and every woman that hath lain by man ... They found among the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead four hundred young virgins ... and they gave them [the Benjamites] wives. Judges 21:8-14
Steal 200 dancing virgins.
Then the elders of the congregation said, How shall we do for wives for them that remain, seeing the women are destroyed out of Benjamin? ... We may not give them wives of our daughters: for the children of Israel have sworn, saying, Cursed be he that giveth a wife to Benjamin ... If the daughters of Shiloh come out to dance in dances, then come ye out of the vineyards, and catch you every man his wife of the daughters of Shiloh ... And the children of Benjamin did so, and took them wives, according to their number, of them that danced, whom they caught. Judges 21:16-23
Ask God to smite your enemies with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.
The hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. 1 Samuel 5:9
Offer God five golden hemorrhoids (to get him to stop putting hemorrhoids in your secret parts).
What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice. 1 Samuel 6:4-5
Chop up an ox and send the body parts as messages.
And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel. 1 Samuel 11:6-7
Buy a wife with 200 foreskins.
And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines ... And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well ... Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. 1 Samuel 18:25-27
Get naked and prophesy.
And he stripped off his clothes also, and prophesied ... and lay down naked all that day and all that night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets? 1 Samuel 19:24
Sneak in the bathroom and cut off a man's shirt while he's peeing. (Without getting noticed.)
Saul went in to cover his feet ... Then David arose, and cut off the skirt of Saul's robe privily. 1 Samuel 24:3-4
Have a witch bring a dead person back to life.
Divine unto me by the familiar spirit, and bring me him up ... ... hen said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel ... An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle. And Saul perceived that it was Samuel ... And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up? 1 Samuel 28:8-15
Dance naked in front of God and everybody.
And David danced before the LORD with all his might; and David was girded with a linen ephod ... Michal ... said, How glorious was the king of Israel to day, who uncovered himself to day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovereth himself! 2 Samuel 6:14-20
Have public sex with your father's concubines.
Go in unto thy father's concubines, which he hath left to keep the house ... So they spread Absalom a tent upon the top of the house; and Absalom went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel. 2 Samuel 16:21-22
Take a God (or Satan)-inspired census. (And don't complain when God kills a couple hundred thousand people to punish you for it.)
And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah.
...
Thus saith the LORD, I offer thee three things; choose thee one of them, that I may do it unto thee. Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? or that there be three days' pestilence in thy land? ... So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel from the morning even to the time appointed: and there died of the people from Dan even to Beersheba seventy thousand men. 2 Samuel 24:1-15
Find a hot young virgin to get you some heat.
Now king David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat. Wherefore his servants said unto him, Let there be sought for my lord the king a young virgin: and let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him, and let her lie in thy bosom, that my lord the king may get heat. So they sought for a fair damsel throughout all the coasts of Israel, and found Abishag a Shunammite, and brought her to the king. And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him. 1 Kings 1:1-4
Ask your son to murder some of your enemies for you.
Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying ... Thou knowest ... what Joab ... did to me ... let not his hoar head go down to the grave in peace ... Shimei ... cursed me with a grievous curse ... Now therefore hold him not guiltless: for thou art a wise man, and knowest what thou oughtest to do unto him; but his hoar head bring thou down to the grave with blood. 1 Kings 2:1-9
Invite a prophet to dinner. Tell him God wants him to come. Then after he eats dinner with you, God will send a lion to kill him.
Now there dwelt an old prophet in Bethel ... And went after the man of God, and found him ... Then he said unto him, Come home with me, and eat bread ... So he went back with him, and did eat bread in his house, and drank water ... And it came to pass, after he had eaten bread, and after he had drunk, that ... a lion met him by the way, and slew him. 1 Kings 13:11-24
Cut off anyone that pisses against a wall.
(This is one of my wife's resolutions for 2011.)
Behold, I will ... cut off ... him that pisseth against the wall. 1 Kings 14:10
Have an old-fashioned prayer contest. (And kill all the losers.)
Elijah came unto all the people, and said, How long halt ye between two opinions? if the LORD be God, follow him: but if Baal, then follow him ... Then said Elijah unto the people, I, even I only, remain a prophet of the LORD; but Baal's prophets are four hundred and fifty men ... Give us two bullocks; and let them choose one bullock for themselves, and cut it in pieces, and lay it on wood, and put no fire under: and I will dress the other bullock, and lay it on wood, and put no fire under. And call ye on the name of your gods, and I will call on the name of the LORD: and the God that answereth by fire, let him be God ... And they took the bullock which was given them, and they dressed it, and called on the name of Baal from morning even until noon, saying, O Baal, hear us. But there was no voice, nor any that answered. And they leaped upon the altar which was made. And it came to pass at noon, that Elijah mocked them, and said, Cry aloud: for he is a god; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, or peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked. And they cried aloud, and cut themselves after their manner with knives and lancets, till the blood gushed out upon them ... And Elijah ... built an altar ... And he said ... Hear me, O LORD, hear me, that this people may know that thou art the LORD ... Then the fire of the LORD fell, and consumed the burnt sacrifice, and the wood, and the stones, and the dust, and licked up the water that was in the trench. And when all the people saw it, they fell on their faces: and they said, The LORD, he is the God; the LORD, he is the God. And Elijah said unto them, Take the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape. And they took them: and Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon, and slew them there. 1 Kings 18:19-40
Gird up your loins.
And the hand of the LORD was on Elijah; and he girded up his loins. 1 Kings 18:46
Ask your neighbor to smite you. If he refuses, God will send a lion to eat him.
A certain man of the sons of the prophets said unto his neighbour in the word of the LORD, Smite me, I pray thee. And the man refused to smite him. Then said he unto him, Because thou hast not obeyed the voice of the LORD, behold, as soon as thou art departed from me, a lion shall slay thee. And as soon as he was departed from him, a lion found him, and slew him. 1 Kings 20:35-36
Prove you're a man of God by burning people to death.
Elijah answered and said to the captain of fifty, If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty. And there came down fire from heaven, and consumed him and his fifty. 2 Kings 1:10
Curse any little children that make fun of you for whatever reason. (God will send bears to rip them to pieces.)
As he [Elisha] was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2 Kings 2:23-24
Give someone leprosy (along with all of his or her descendants forever).
And he [Elisha] said unto him ... Leprosy ... shall cleave unto thee, and unto thy seed for ever. And he went out from his presence a leper as white as snow. 2 Kings 5:26-27
Make someone blind.
Elisha prayed unto the LORD, and said, Smite this people, I pray thee, with blindness. And he smote them with blindness according to the word of Elisha.2 Kings 6:18
And now, behold, the hand of the Lord is upon thee, and thou shalt be blind, not seeing the sun for a season. And immediately there fell on him a mist and a darkness; and he went about seeking some to lead him by the hand. Acts 13:11
Ask for 70 sons to be killed, with their heads delivered in two baskets.
He [Jehu] wrote a letter the second time to them, saying ... take ye the heads of the men your master's sons, and come to me to Jezreel by to morrow this time ... They took the king's sons, and slew seventy persons, and put their heads in baskets ... They have brought the heads of the king's sons. And he said, Lay ye them in two heaps at the entering in of the gate until the morning. 2 Kings 10:6-10
Show your zeal for the Lord by murdering the family of a former king.
Come with me, and see my zeal for the LORD ... And when he came to Samaria, he slew all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him, according to the saying of the LORD, which he spake to Elijah. 2 Kings 10:16-17
Ask God to send lions to eat people that don't fear him enough.
They feared not the LORD: thereforethe LORD sent lions among them, which slew some of them. 2 Kings 17:25-26
Wax mighty by marrying 14 wives.Abijah waxed mighty, and married fourteen wives. 2 Chronicles 13:21
Kill anyone who refuses to seek the Lord, whether man or woman, young or old.
Whosoever would not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman ... and the LORD gave them rest round about. 2 Chronicles 15:13-15
Ask God to make someone's bowels fall out.
The LORD smote him in his bowels with an incurable disease. And ... after the end of two years, his bowels fell. 2 Chronicles 21:18-19
Throw 10,000 people off a cliff.
Amaziah ... did that which was right in the sight of the LORD. ... Ten thousand ... [he] brought ... unto the top of the rock, and cast them down from the top of the rock, that they all were broken in pieces. 2 Chronicles 24:1-12
If you hear about any mingling of holy seed, pluck off your hair and beard, and sit down astonished. Or curse them and pluck off their hair. Your choice.
For they have taken of their daughters for themselves, and for their sons: so that the holy seed have mingled themselves with the people of those lands ... And when I heard this thing, I rent my garment and my mantle, and plucked off the hair of my head and of my beard, and sat down astonished. Ezra 9:2-3
And I contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair, and made them swear by God, saying, Ye shall not give your daughters unto their sons, nor take their daughters unto your sons, or for yourselves. Nehemiah 13:225
Abandon any strange wives or children that you may have.
We have trespassed against our God, and have taken strange wives of the people of the land: Now therefore let us make a covenant with our God to put away all the wives, and such as are born of them ... Ezra the priest stood up, and said unto them, Ye have transgressed, and have taken strange wives ... Now therefore ... separate yourselves ... from the strange wives ... Then all the congregation answered and said with a loud voice, As thou hast said, so must we do. Ezra 10:2-3, 10-12
Wash your feet in the blood of the wicked.
The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked. Psalm 58:10
Hate God-haters with a perfect hatred.
Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? ... I hate them with perfect hatred. Psalm 139:21-22
Pray that God will burn people to death.
Let burning coals fall upon them: let them be cast into the fire; into deep pits, that they rise not up again. Psalm 140:102
Beat the hell out of your children.
He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. Proverbs 13:24
Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. Proverbs 19:18
Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. Proverbs 22:15
Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. Proverbs 23:13-14
Cast your bread upon the waters.
Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days. Ecclesiastes 11:1
Make your bowels sound like a harp.
My bowels shall sound like an harp. Isaiah 16:11
Walk around naked and barefoot all year as a sign and a wonder.
At the same time spake the LORD by Isaiah ... saying, Go and loose the sackcloth from off thy loins, and put off thy shoe from thy foot. And he did so, walking naked and barefoot. And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder.Isaiah 20:2-3
Suck the breasts of kings.
Thou shalt also suck the milk of the Gentiles, and shalt suck the breast of kings. Isaiah 60:16
See God's loins (the glory of the Lord) and fall on your face.
And I saw ... the appearance of his loins.... This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. And when I saw it, I fell upon my face. Ezekiel 1:27-28
Fill your bowels with a roll.
And he said unto me, Son of man, cause thy belly to eat, and fill thy bowels with this roll that I give thee. Then did I eat it; and it was in my mouth as honey for sweetness.Ezekiel 3:3
Lie on your left side for 390 days and then on your right for 40 days.
Lie thou also upon thy left side ... for ... three hundred and ninety days ... And when thou hast accomplished them, lie again on thy right side ... forty days. Ezekiel 4:4-6
Bake some Ezekiel 4:12 bread.
(It has a secret ingredient left out of Ezekiel 4:9 bread!)
Take thou also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentiles, and millet, and fitches, and put them in one vessel, and make thee bread thereof ... And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man. Ezekiel 4:9-12
Shave your head and beard, divide the cut hair into thirds, burn one portion, smite the second about with a knife, and scatter the third in the wind.
And thou, son of man, take thee a sharp knife, take thee a barber's razor, and cause it to pass upon thine head and upon thy beard: then take thee balances to weigh, and divide the hair. Thou shalt burn with fire a third part in the midst of the city, when the days of the siege are fulfilled: and thou shalt take a third part, and smite about it with a knife: and a third part thou shalt scatter in the wind; and I will draw out a sword after them. Ezekiel 5:1-2
Pluck off your own breasts.
Thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD. Ezekiel 23:34
Get drunk and uncover your foreskin.
Drink thou also and let thy foreskin be uncovered. Habakkuk 2:16
Spread dung on people's faces.
Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces. Malachi 2:3
Pluck out an eye, cut off a hand, foot, or other body part.
Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out ... And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Matthew 5:28-30
If thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire. Matthew 18:8-9
And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off ... And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off ... And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire: Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9:43-48
Tell devils and unclean spirits what to do.
He gave them power against unclean spirits. Matthew 10:1
Then he called his twelve disciples together, and gave them power and authority over all devils. Luke 9:1
Cast out devils, speak in tongues, handle snakes, drink poison, do some faith-healing.
Jesus sent forth, and commanded them, saying ... cast out devils. Matthew 10:5-8
And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover. Mark 16:17-18
Join the Tea Party. (Steal from the poor to give to the rich.)
Whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. Matthew 13:12, Mark 4:25
Unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. Matthew 25:29
Cast a mountain or sycamore tree into the sea.
Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. Matthew 17:20
That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith. Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them. Mark 11:23-24
If ye have faith, and doubt not ... if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. Matthew 21:21-22
If ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye might say unto this sycamine tree, Be thou plucked up by the root, and be thou planted in the sea; and it should obey you. Luke 17:6
Become a eunuch for heaven's sake.
There are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it. Matthew 19:12
Abandon your wife and family for Jesus.
Every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. Matthew 19:29
Curse a fig tree.
When he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away. Matthew 21:19
And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if haply he might find any thing thereon: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it, No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever. Mark 11:13-14
Stick your fingers in people's ears, spit in their eyes, and touch their tongues.
And he ... put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue. Mark 7:33
He took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his hands upon him, he asked him if he saw ought. Mark 8:23
He spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay. John 9:6
Do some impossible things.
All things are possible to him that believeth. Mark 9:23
Walk on snakes and scorpions.
Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you. Luke 10:19
Hate your family.
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26
Make water flow out of your belly.
He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water. John 7:38
Hate your life.
He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal. John 12:25
Eat Jesus' flesh and drink his blood.
Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life ... For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me, and I in him ... He that eateth me, even he shall live by me. John 6:53-57
Kill anyone that doesn't obey Jesus.
For Moses truly said unto the fathers, A prophet shall the Lord your God raise up unto you of your brethren, like unto me; him shall ye hear in all things whatsoever he shall say unto you. And it shall come to pass, that every soul, which will not hear that prophet, shall be destroyed from among the people. Acts 3:22-23
Give all your possessions to the church. (Or God will kill you.)
Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession, And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet. But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land? Why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God. And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost ... And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in. And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much. Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost. Acts 5:1-10
Kill some animals and eat them.
He [Peter] fell into a trance, And saw heaven opened, and a certain vessel descending upon him, as it had been a great sheet knit at the four corners, and let down to the earth: Wherein were all manner of fourfooted beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls of the air. And there came a voice to him, Rise, Peter; kill, and eat. Acts 10:10-13
In a trance I [Peter] saw a vision, A certain vessel descend, as it had been a great sheet, let down from heaven by four corners; and it came even to me: Upon the which when I had fastened mine eyes, I considered, and saw fourfooted beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls of the air. And I heard a voice saying unto me, Arise, Peter; slay and eat. Acts 11:5-7
Believe in magic handkerchiefs.
So that from his body were brought unto the sick handkerchiefs or aprons, and the diseases departed from them, and the evil spirits went out of them. Acts 19:12
Burn some books.
Many of them also which used curious arts brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. Acts 19:19
Obey Obama. (Or go to hell.)
There is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God. Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation. Romans 13:1-2
Eat everything, especially meat.
(Don't be a wimpy latter-day vegetarian.)
For one believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs. Romans 14:2
Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils ... commanding to abstain from meats. 1 Timothy 4:1-3
Be persuaded in your own mind.
Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind. Romans 14:5
Shun those that believe differently than you.
Mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them. Romans 16:17-18
Try to know nothing (except for Jesus).
I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified. 1 Corinthians 2:2
If you're single, don't get married.
Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. 1 Corinthians 7:7
If you're married, don't have sex.
(Jesus is coming; there's no time for it.)
The time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none. 1 Corinthians 7:7
Shave the head of any women that you catch praying with an uncovered head.
Every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven. For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn. 1 Corinthians 11:5-6
If you're ignorant, stay ignorant.
If any man be ignorant, let him be ignorant. 1 Corinthians 14:38
Smell good to God.
We are unto God a sweet savour. 2 Corinthians 2:15
Don't look where you're going.
Walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
Greet everyone with a holy kiss.
Greet one another with an holy kiss. 2 Corinthians 13:12
Don't exercise.
Bodily exercise profiteth little. 1 Timothy 4:8
Stop drinking water. Drink wine instead.
Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake. 1 Timothy 5:23
Refresh your bowels in the Lord.
Refresh my bowels in the Lord. Philemon 1:20
Have a Happy New Year!


Posted by Steve Wells at 12/29/2013 09:10:00 AM 24 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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27 December 2013The Gospel According to Sarah Palin
I may have misunderstood Sarah Palin's comment in my previous post.
She wasn't confusing First Corinthians with the gospels; she was referring to this statement by Phil Robertson, the one Greta Van Susterennd asked her about:
It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus.
Here is Van Susterend's question:
Do you have any problem about the manners of how he said it. I mean, we don't talk on television much, but if you actually read the article, there's some rather graphic and offensive description of it. ... Do you have any objection on the manners aspect, how he said it?
And here is Palin's answer:
I haven't read the article. I don't know exactly how he said it. But Greta, what he was doing in response to a question about a lifestyle that he disagrees with and yet he has said over and over again he doesn't hate the person engaging in a lifestyle he disagrees with, but he, um, in response was quoting the gospel.
So when Robertson was discussing the male desirability for anuses and vaginas, he was quoting the gospel--the Gospel According to Sarah Palin.

Here's the relevant part of the interview, in case you haven't seen it yet.




Posted by Steve Wells at 12/27/2013 11:00:00 AM 1 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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26 December 2013Sarah Palin: Phil Robertson was quoting the gospel in his GQ interview
In her recent Fox News interview about Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson, Sarah Palin admitted she hadn't actually read the GQ article (What the Duck) that got him in so much trouble and about which she was being interviewed. Her ignorance on the subject is, no doubt, what qualified her as an expert Fox News contributor.
And although she hadn't read the article, she confidently asserted that Phil Robertson "was quoting the gospel."
But Robertson didn't quote from any of the gospels in his GQ interview--which isn't surprising since there are no nasty anti-gay gospel quotes.
Here is the Bible quote that got Phil Robertson in so much trouble:
Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God.
And here is its source:
Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate,nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners,shall inherit the kingdom of God. 1 Corinthians 6:9-10
Sarah Palin doesn't know the gospels from First Corinthians. Which isn't too surprising. She probably hasn't read them either.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/26/2013 11:08:00 PM 2 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 December 2013The Drunk With Blood audiobook is finally available on iTunes and Audible
I'm proud to announce that the audiobook version of Drunk With Blood is now for sale!

 Audiobook on Audible.com

Audible.com link                               iTunes link

We've also put up portions of the book for free on Youtube. Here are a few link:

Introduction

Genesis

Exodus

Leviticus

Numbers

Deuteronomy

We'd love to hear what you think. We're planning on using the same narrator for our next book, "Strange Flesh: What the Bible Says about Homosexuality" but depending on the feedback we might go with someone else.





Posted by Philip Wells at 12/18/2013 02:02:00 PM 6 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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10 December 2013The LDS church finally admits it was wrong about race. (So it now rejects its own scriptures.)
The LDS church has finally confessed. It admits that it was wrong about race from the church's beginning in 1830 until 1978 when God changed his mind about black people.
Here is what the new document "Race and the Priesthood" says about it:
Today, the Church disavows the theories advanced in the past that black skin is a sign of divine disfavor or curse ... that mixed-race marriages are a sin; or that blacks or people of any other race or ethnicity are inferior in any way to anyone else.
If that is true, then the LDS church disavows the Book of Mormon, which says that God cursed people by blackening their skin, causing them to be "a dark, filthy, and loathsome people," and that any "white and delightsome" person who "mixes seed" with them will be "cursed with the same cursing."
Here are just a few passages in the Book of Mormon that the Mormon church now disavows:
After they had dwindled in unbelief they became a dark, and loathsome, and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations. 1 Nephi 12:23
He had caused the cursing to come upon them ... wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people ... Cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. 2 Nephi 5:21-23
And the skins of the Lamanites were dark ...which was a curse upon them because of their transgression against their brethren...therefore they were cursed; and the Lord God set a mark upon them. And this was done that their seed might be distinguished from the seed of their brethren, that thereby the Lord God might preserve his people. Alma 3:6-8
This people ... shall become a dark, a filthy, and a loathsome people ... because of their unbelief and idolatry ... They were once a delightsome people ... But now, behold, they are led about by Satan. Mormon 5:15-18
In the document, the LDS church tries to blame its racist past on the early 19th century American culture from which it arose. It claims, for example, that it was commonly believed in the early 1800s "that God’s 'curse' on Cain was the mark of a dark skin." And that "[a]ccording to one view, which had been promulgated in the United States from at least the 1730s, blacks descended from the same lineage as the biblical Cain, who slew his brother Abel."
Which is true enough (except for the fact that there was no United States in the 1730s). But what the document doesn't say is that this same view is clearly expressed in its own scripture (The book of Moses in the Pearl of Great Price).
And Enoch also beheld the residue of the people which were the sons of Adam; and they were a mixture of all the seed of Adam save it was the seed of Cain, for the seed of Cain were black, and had not place among them. Moses 7:22
The document also says that "[b]lack servitude was sometimes viewed as a second curse placed upon Noah’s grandson Canaan as a result of Ham’s indiscretion toward his father."


Which is true again. But it is also true that Mormon scripture says the same thing.
There was a blackness came upon all the children of Canaan, that they were despised among all people. Moses 7:8
Now this king of Egypt was a descendant from the loins of Ham, and was a partaker of the blood of the Canaanites by birth. ... from Ham, sprang that race which preserved the curse in the land ... Pharaoh ... seeking earnestly to imitate that order established by the fathers in the first generations, in the days of the first patriarchal reign, even in the reign of Adam, and also of Noah, his father, who blessed him with the blessings of the earth, and with the blessings of wisdom, but cursed him as pertaining to the Priesthood. Abraham 1:21-26
 So now the LDS church is no longer just embarrassed by its scriptures, it rejects them entirely.
Now it's time for all Mormons to do likewise.

Posted by Steve Wells at 12/10/2013 02:21:00 PM 10 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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05 December 2013Smashing little ones against stones: Putting Psalm 137:9 in context
I'm often accused of taking things out of context. And sometimes, I suppose, I'm guilty of that. But generally if I fail to adequately consider the context of a biblical text, the context makes a seemingly bad passage even worse. Psalm 137:9 is a good example.
Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. Psalm 137:9
Now, at first sight this verse seems bad enough. How could parents be happy while smashing their children against stones?

But that's not what this verse is about. It's about other "happy" people who will smash Babylonian children. The happy children smashers will be sent by God to "reward" the Babylonians for "serving" (enslaving) the Israelites during the Babylonian captivity, as is made clear by the preceding verse.
O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us. Psalm 137:8
This is more easily seen in other translations. Here, for example, is this passage in the English Standard Version:
O daughter of Babylon, doomed to be destroyed, blessed shall he be who repays you with what you have done to us! Blessed shall he be who takes your little ones and dashes them against the rock! Psalm 137:8-9 (ESV)
The baby smashers are not only "happy" they are "blessed" -- blessed by God for doing his dirty work for him.
Here is how Matthew Henry explains it in his "Pulpit Commentary" on Psalm 137:9:
Happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us; i.e. happy shall he be that completes thy destruction, and the destruction of thy people. He will be the instrument for carrying out God's vengeance.
The happy and blessed children smashers are God's instruments for carrying out his vengeance.
Context almost always makes the Bible worse.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/05/2013 03:01:00 PM 3 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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04 December 2013The two wives of Yahweh: Aholah and Aholibah
There's a strange story in Ezekiel 23 about two sisters, Aholah and Aholibah. It is a story that is seldom told by Bible believers. And that's a shame, since it sheds so much light upon God's biblical plan for marriage.


Aholah and Aholibah were sisters, both of whom were married to Yahweh.
The word of the LORD came again unto me, saying, Son of man, there were two women, the daughters of one mother: ... And the names of them were Aholah the elder, and Aholibah her sister. And they were mine, and they bare sons and daughters. Ezekiel 23:1-4
But the marriage between God and his two wives was a troubled one. The older sister, Aholah, was unfaithful to Yahweh, having sex with her Assyrian neighbors.
Aholah played the harlot when she was mine; and she doted on her lovers, on the Assyrians her neighbours, Which were clothed with blue, captains and rulers, all of them desirable young men, horsemen riding upon horses. 23:5-6
She committed whoredoms with them and defiled herself with all of their idols.
She committed her whoredoms with them, with all them that were the chosen men of Assyria, and with all on whom she doted: with all their idols she defiled herself. 23:7
The Assyrians lay with her and bruised the breasts of her virginity, pouring all their whoredom upon her.
Neither left she her whoredoms brought from Egypt: for in her youth they lay with her, and they bruised the breasts of her virginity, and poured their whoredom upon her. 23:8
So Yahweh delivered her into the hands of her Assyrian lovers who discovered her nakedness, enslaved her children, and killed her with the sword.
Wherefore I have delivered her into the hand of her lovers, into the hand of the Assyrians, upon whom she doted. These discovered her nakedness: they took her sons and her daughters, and slew her with the sword. 23:9-10
God’s other wife, Aholibah, was even more corrupt in her whoredoms than her older sister. She also doted upon her desirable, young Assyrian neighbors.
Her sister Aholibah ... was more corrupt in her inordinate love than she, and in her whoredoms more than her sister in her whoredoms. She doted upon the Assyrians her neighbours, captains and rulers clothed most gorgeously, horsemen riding upon horses, all of them desirable young men. Then I saw that she was defiled, that they took both one way. 23:11-13
When she saw the images of Babylonian men on her wall, she invited them to come visit her.
And that she increased her whoredoms: for when she saw men pourtrayed upon the wall, the images of the Chaldeans pourtrayed with vermilion … And as soon as she saw them with her eyes, she doted upon them, and sent messengers unto them into Chaldea. 23:14-16
So the Babylonians came to her on her bed of love, discovered her nakedness and defiled her with their whoredoms.
And the Babylonians came to her into the bed of love, and they defiled her with their whoredom, and she was polluted with them, So she discovered her whoredoms, and discovered her nakedness. 23:17-18a
When God saw all this, his mind was alienated from her, like it was from her sister.
Then my mind was alienated from her, like as my mind was alienated from her sister. 23:18b
Aholibah multiplied her whoredoms like she did in her younger days as a harlot in Egypt.
Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt. 23:19
Where she doted upon men with donkey-sized penises and ejaculate as voluminous as horses.
For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses. 23:20
Which reminded God again of the lewdness of her youth, where the Egyptians fondled her youthful breasts.
Thus thou calledst to remembrance the lewdness of thy youth, in bruising thy teats by the Egyptians for the paps of thy youth. 23:21
To punish Aholibah, God brought lovers against her “on every side.”
Therefore, O Aholibah, thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will raise up thy lovers against thee, from whom thy mind is alienated, and I will bring them against thee on every side. 23:22
And set his jealousy against her, forcing her Egyptian “lovers” to cut off her nose and ears, enslave her children, and burn everyone else to death.
And I will set my jealousy against thee, and they shall deal furiously with thee: they shall take away thy nose and thine ears; and … they shall take thy sons and thy daughters; and thy residue shall be devoured by the fire. 23:25
He forced Ahobiah to drink from Aholah’s cup, to suck it out, and to pluck off her own breasts.
Thus saith the Lord GOD; Thou shalt drink of thy sister's cup deep and large: Thou shalt be filled with drunkenness and sorrow ... Thou shalt even drink it and suck it out, and pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD. 23:34
Then God killed Ahobiah (as he did to Aholah) by stoning her to death and killing her with a sword. Then he killed her children (which are also his children) and burned their houses--to punish them for forgetting him.
Because thou hast forgotten me, and cast me behind thy back, therefore bear thou also thy lewdness and thy whoredoms. 23:35
For thus saith the Lord GOD ... stone them with stones, and dispatch them with their swords; they shall slay their sons and their daughters, and burn up their houses with fire. 23:46-47
In this way taught women a lesson. Don't behave like God's wayward wives (Aholah and Ahobiah) or God will do likewise to you.
Thus will I cause lewdness to cease out of the land, that all women may be taught not to do after your lewdness. 23:48
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, so what can we learn from Yahweh's marriage to Aholah and Ahobiah?
Well, plenty, I'd say. After all it's God's own example.
Here are just a few things that come to mind:
It's OK to have two wives. If it's good enough for God, it's good enough for anyone.
If  either of your wives is unfaithful to you, invite everyone over to rape her in public, then cut off her nose and ears, force her to pluck off her breasts, and kill her by stoning or with a sword or (if at all possible) both.
After you kill your wife (or wives) kill any of her children. (Sure some of these kids may be your own sons and daughters, but since your wife was a whore, they might be some other guy's kids. You just can't be too careful.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/04/2013 12:40:00 PM 13 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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 30 January 2014Alma 2: Amlici seeks to become king, and Alma puts a stop to it
One of the new challengers to the church was named Amlici. He drew away many followers of the old church, and he even started to consider becoming king himself.
And it came to pass in the commencement of the fifth year of their reign there began to be a contention among the people; for a certain man, being called Amlici, he being a very cunning man, yea, a wise man as to the wisdom of the world, he being after the order of the man that slew Gideon by the sword, who was executed according to the law -- 2.1
Now this Amlici had, by his cunning, drawn away much people after him; even so much that they began to be very powerful; and they began to endeavor to establish Amlici to be king over the people. 2.2
This was concerning for members of the church, because they tended to decide things (somewhat) democratically, and if Amlici got too popular, the people might elect him as king. If he became king, he might destroy their church and do all kinds of bad stuff.
Now this was alarming to the people of the church, and also to all those who had not been drawn away after the persuasions of Amlici; for they knew that according to their law that such things must be established by the voice of the people. 2.3
Therefore, if it were possible that Amlici should gain the voice of the people, he, being a wicked man, would deprive them of their rights and privileges of the church; for it was his intent to destroy the church of God. 2.4
Everyone in town decided to get together and hold an election (their government worked a lot like Canada's--they could call an election at any time). They all told the judges what they thought and then the Judges decided whether or not Amlici should be king.
And it came to pass that the people assembled themselves together throughout all the land, every man according to his mind, whether it were for or against Amlici, in separate bodies, having much dispute and wonderful contentions one with another. 2.5
And thus they did assemble themselves together to cast in their voices concerning the matter; and they were laid before the judges. 2.6
Either Amlici didn't have popular support, or the judges decided that they would rather retain control over the kingdom. Amlici gathered his people together, and declared himself king anyways. Then the Amlicites declared war on the Nephites.
And it came to pass that the voice of the people came against Amlici, that he was not made king over the people. 2.7
And it came to pass that they gathered themselves together, and did consecrate Amlici to be their king. 2.9
 Now when Amlici was made king over them he commanded them that they should take up arms against their brethren; and this he did that he might subject them to him. 2.10
The Nephites decided to get ready for battle. They armed themselves (with all kinds of weapons: swords, cimiters [scimitars], bows and arrows, slings, and every other type of weapon, of course. I wonder what else they had!) They appointed captains, and higher captains, and chief captains, and Alma himself led the Nephites into battle.
Therefore the people of the Nephites were aware of the intent of the Amlicites, and therefore they did prepare to meet them; yea, they did arm themselves with swords, and with cimeters, and with bows, and with arrows, and with stones, and with slings, and with all manner of weapons of war, of every kind. 2.12
And thus they were prepared to meet the Amlicites at the time of their coming. And there were appointed captains, and higher captains, and chief captains, according to their numbers. 2.13
And it came to pass that Amlici did arm his men with all manner of weapons of war of every kind; and he also appointed rulers and leaders over his people, to lead them to war against their brethren. 2.14
And it came to pass that the Amlicites came upon the hill Amnihu, which was east of the river Sidon, which ran by the land of Zarahemla, and there they began to make war with the Nephites. 2.15
It was a bloody battle, with lots of deaths on both sides. The Nephites fared much better, though, because God "strengthened their hand". 12,500 Amlicites died, while the Nephites lost only 6500.
Now Alma, being the chief judge and the governor of the people of Nephi, therefore he went up with his people, yea, with his captains, and chief captains, yea, at the head of his armies, against the Amlicites to battle. 2.16
And they began to slay the Amlicites upon the hill east of Sidon. And the Amlicites did contend with the Nephites with great strength, insomuch that many of the Nephites did fall before the Amlicites. 2.17
Nevertheless the Lord did strengthen the hand of the Nephites, that they slew the Amlicites with great slaughter, that they began to flee before them. 2.18
And it came to pass that the Nephites did pursue the Amlicites all that day, and did slay them with much slaughter, insomuch that there were slain of the Amlicites twelve thousand five hundred thirty and two souls; and there were slain of the Nephites six thousand five hundred sixty and two souls. 2.19
The Nephites chased the Amlicites until they couldn't chase them any farther. Then Alma sent a few spies to keep an eye on them, and everyone else pitched camp in the valley of Gideon.
And it came to pass that when Alma could pursue the Amlicites no longer he caused that his people should pitch their tents in the valley of Gideon, the valley being called after that Gideon who was slain by the hand of Nehor with the sword; and in this valley the Nephites did pitch their tents for the night. 2.20
And Alma sent spies to follow the remnant of the Amlicites, that he might know of their plans and their plots, whereby he might guard himself against them, that he might preserve his people from being destroyed. 2.21
Sending the spies to follow the Amlicites was a good idea. It turned out that the Lamanites had already teamed up with the Amlicite army, and they were attacking Nephites in the surrounding villages. The spies told Alma that the huge army was making their way toward their city.
Now those whom he had sent out to watch the camp of the Amlicites were called Zeram, and Amnor, and Manti, and Limher; these were they who went out with their men to watch the camp of the Amlicites. 2.22
And it came to pass that on the morrow they returned into the camp of the Nephites in great haste, being greatly astonished, and struck with much fear, saying: 2.23
 Behold, we followed the camp of the Amlicites, and to our great astonishment, in the land of Minon, above the land of Zarahemla, in the course of the land of Nephi, we saw a numerous host of the Lamanites; and behold, the Amlicites have joined them; 2.24
And they are upon our brethren in that land; and they are fleeing before them with their flocks, and their wives, and their children, towards our city; and except we make haste they obtain possession of our city, and our fathers, and our wives, and our children be slain. 2.25
Alma told his people to pack up, and to meet the Amlicite/Lamanite army in battle. The Lamanites must have had a lot of soldiers, because now the army was impossibly large: "As numerous almost, as it were, as the sands of the sea". Almost.
And behold, as they were crossing the river Sidon, the Lamanites and the Amlicites, being as numerous almost, as it were, as the sands of the sea, came upon them to destroy them. 2.27
Still, the Nephites defeated them easily, because the Lord strengthened their hand again. Alma even killed Amlici himself on the battlefield. He almost got the king of the Lamanites, too, but his guards rushed in and saved him.
 Nevertheless, the Nephites being strengthened by the hand of the Lord, having prayed mightily to him that he would deliver them out of the hands of their enemies, therefore the Lord did hear their cries, and did strengthen them, and the Lamanites and the Amlicites did fall before them. 2.28
And it came to pass that Alma fought with Amlici with the sword, face to face; and they did contend mightily, one with another. 2.29
And it came to pass that Alma, being a man of God, being exercised with much faith, cried, saying: O Lord, have mercy and spare my life, that I may be an instrument in thy hands to save and preserve this people. 2.30
 Now when Alma had said these words he contended again with Amlici; and he was strengthened, insomuch that he slew Amlici with the sword. 2.31
And he also contended with the king of the Lamanites; but the king of the Lamanites fled back from before Alma and sent his guards to contend with Alma. 2.32
But Alma, with his guards, contended with the guards of the king of the Lamanites until he slew and drove them back. 2.33
Despite outnumbering the Nephites, the Lamanite/Amlicite army started retreating, and the Nephites chased them and killed as many of them as they could. They drove them into a land called Hermounts, which was infested with "wild and ravenous beasts".
And it came to pass that when they had all crossed the river Sidon that the Lamanites and the Amlicites began to flee before them, notwithstanding they were so numerous that they could not be numbered. 2.35
And they fled before the Nephites towards the wilderness which was west and north, away beyond the borders of the land; and the Nephites did pursue them with their might, and did slay them. 2.36
Yea, they were met on every hand, and slain and driven, until they were scattered on the west, and on the north, until they had reached the wilderness, which was called Hermounts; and it was that part of the wilderness which was infested by wild and ravenous beasts. 2.37
Apparently piles of bones have been found in the wilderness there. Someone should alert the anthropologists!
And it came to pass that many died in the wilderness of their wounds, and were devoured by those beasts and also the vultures of the air; and their bones have been found, and have been heaped up on the earth. 2.38






Posted by Philip Wells at 1/30/2014 11:49:00 PM 3 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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26 January 2014Alma 1: Priestcraft: Whoring and Babbling in the promised land
In Alma's first year as Chief Judge, he had an interesting murder case brought before him. There was a man named Nehor who had started a new church, and his church was getting pretty successful. Many people were believing his words, and some of them were even giving him money, and it sounds like he was buying lots of nice clothes and stuff with it.
Then one day, as he was heading somewhere to preach, he got into a religious fight with a member of the old church named Gideon (Remember him from Mosiah 19?). Nehor killed Gideon with his sword, and then he was brought to Alma for judgement.
And it came to pass that in the first year of the reign of Alma in the judgment-seat, there was a man brought before him to be judged, a man who was large, and was noted for his much strength. 1.2
And he had gone about among the people, preaching to them that which he termed to be the word of God, bearing down against the church; declaring unto the people that every priest and teacher ought to become popular; and they ought not to labor with their hands, but that they ought to be supported by the people. 1.3
And he also testified unto the people that all mankind should be saved at the last day, and that they need not fear nor tremble, but that they might lift up their heads and rejoice; for the Lord had created all men, and had also redeemed all men; and, in the end, all men should have eternal life. 1.4
And it came to pass that he did teach these things so much that many did believe on his words, even so many that they began to support him and give him money. 1.5
And he began to be lifted up in the pride of his heart, and to wear very costly apparel, yea, and even began to establish a church after the manner of his preaching. 1.6
And it came to pass as he was going, to preach to those who believed on his word, he met a man who belonged to the church of God, yea, even one of their teachers; and he began to contend with him sharply, that he might lead away the people of the church; but the man withstood him, admonishing him with the words of God. 1.7
Now the name of the man was Gideon; and it was he who was an instrument in the hands of God in delivering the people of Limhi out of bondage. 1.8
Now, because Gideon withstood him with the words of God he was wroth with Gideon, and drew his sword and began to smite him. Now Gideon being stricken with many years, therefore he was not able to withstand his blows, therefore he was slain by the sword. 1.9
Alma sentenced Nehor to death, because Gideon was a righteous man, and if he didn't, "his blood would come upon us for vengence". Whatever that means.
And thou hast shed the blood of a righteous man, yea, a man who has done much good among this people; and were we to spare thee his blood would come upon us for vengeance. 1.13
Therefore thou art condemned to die, according to the law which has been given us by Mosiah, our last king; and it has been acknowledged by this people; therefore this people must abide by the law. 1.14
They took him to teh top of the hill Manti, and there he confessed that his teachings were against the true God. It sounds a bit like a coerced confession, though, if you read the verse below:
And it came to pass that they took him; and his name was Nehor; and they carried him upon the top of the hill Manti, and there he was caused, or rather did acknowledge, between the heavens and the earth, that what he had taught to the people was contrary to the word of God; and there he suffered an ignominious death. 1.15
So Nehor was gone, but there were many more challengers to the church after him. Alma couldn't just kill them off, though, because they weren't comitting any crimes. They didn't rob, or murder, or even lie. Their doctrines were wrong, but they weren't technically liars, since they claimed to believe in their preaching, and the law couldn't punish a man for his beliefs.
Nevertheless, this did not put an end to the spreading of priestcraft through the land; for there were many who loved the vain things of the world, and they went forth preaching false doctrines; and this they did for the sake of riches and honor. 1.16
Nevertheless, they durst not lie, if it were known, for fear of the law, for liars were punished; therefore they pretended to preach according to their belief; and now the law could have no power on any man for his belief. 1.17
And they durst not steal, for fear of the law, for such were punished; neither durst they rob, nor murder, for he that murdered was punished unto death. 1.18
The new priestcraft order of people started to persecute the old church members. They were calling them names and stuff... It was getting pretty bad. Feelings were getting hurt and no one was apologizing.
Yea, they did persecute them, and afflict them with all manner of words, and this because of their humility; because they were not proud in their own eyes, and because they did impart the word of God, one with another, without money and without price. 1.20
Now this was in the second year of the reign of Alma, and it was a cause of much affliction to the church; yea, it was the cause of much trial with the church. 1.23
Now this was a great trial to those that did stand fast in the faith; nevertheless, they were steadfast and immovable in keeping the commandments of God, and they bore with patience the persecution which was heaped upon them. 1.25
But I guess they just dealt with it. Living well is the best revenge, right? They worked hard, shared with the poor, avoided idleness, and everyone made sure not to flaunt their wealth or wear expensive clothes. Members of the church grew very rich and prosperous, and it sounds like they even created a substantial social safety net-- taking care of both people in the church and out of the church. I hope all of Alma is like this!
And they did impart of their substance, every man according to that which he had, to the poor, and the needy, and the sick, and the afflicted; and they did not wear costly apparel, yet they were neat and comely. 1.27
And thus they did establish the affairs of the church; and thus they began to have continual peace again, notwithstanding all their persecutions. 1.28
And now, because of the steadiness of the church they began to be exceedingly rich, having abundance of all things whatsoever they stood in need -- an abundance of flocks and herds, and fatlings of every kind, and also abundance of grain, and of gold, and of silver, and of precious things, and abundance of silk and fine-twined linen, and all manner of good homely cloth. 1.29
And thus, in their prosperous circumstances, they did not send away any who were naked, or that were hungry, or that were athirst, or that were sick, or that had not been nourished; and they did not set their hearts upon riches; therefore they were liberal to all, both old and young, both bond and free, both male and female, whether out of the church or in the church, having no respect to persons as to those who stood in need. 1.30
And thus they did prosper and become far more wealthy than those who did not belong to their church. 1.31
Of course, everyone else in town was either a babbling, idle, thieving, murderer or an envying, lying, robbing sorceress-whore.
For those who did not belong to their church did indulge themselves in sorceries, and in idolatry or idleness, and in babblings, and in envyings and strife; wearing costly apparel; being lifted up in the pride of their own eyes; persecuting, lying, thieving, robbing, committing whoredoms, and murdering, and all manner of wickedness; nevertheless, the law was put in force upon all those who did transgress it, inasmuch as it was possible. 1.32
But all of those people could live on welfare, so it all worked out. At least until the fifth year of the reign of the Judges.
And it came to pass that by thus exercising the law upon them, every man suffering according to that which he had done, they became more still, and durst not commit any wickedness if it were known; therefore, there was much peace among the people of Nephi until the fifth year of the reign of the judges. 1.33
You'll just have to wait to see what happens after that.








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22 January 2014Mosiah 29: The End of Mosiah
Mosiah asked the people who they wanted to be king, and the people answer, "Your son, Aaron!"
Now when Mosiah had done this he sent out throughout all the land, among all the people, desiring to know their will concerning who should be their king. 29.1
And it came to pass that the voice of the people came, saying: We are desirous that Aaron thy son should be our king and our ruler. 29.2
Of course, Aaron couldn't be king because he had already left on his mission (with his three brothers) to convert the Lamanites. None of his sons were willing to accepted the throne, anyways.
Now Aaron had gone up to the land of Nephi, therefore the king could not confer the kingdom upon him; neither would Aaron take upon him the kingdom; neither were any of the sons of Mosiah willing to take upon them the kingdom. 29.3
So Mosiah sent another proclamation to the people. This time he even wrote it down! In it, he explained why they shouldn't have a king, and why they should elect judges instead. You see, a bad king is very hard to dethrone, and they can cause all kinds of trouble (remember king Noah?) Mosiah says that he prefers kings if you can be guaranteed a good one, like king Benjamin, but it's just not worth the risk if you might get a bad one.
Therefore king Mosiah sent again among the people; yea, even a written word sent he among the people. And these were the words that were written, saying: 29.4
Behold, O ye my people, or my brethren, for I esteem you as such, I desire that ye should consider the cause which ye are called to consider -- for ye are desirous to have a king. 29.5
Now I declare unto you that he to whom the kingdom doth rightly belong has declined, and will not take upon him the kingdom. 29.6
And now if there should be another appointed in his stead, behold I fear there would rise contentions among you. And who knoweth but what my son, to whom the kingdom doth belong, should turn to be angry and draw away a part of this people after him, which would cause wars and contentions among you, which would be the cause of shedding much blood and perverting the way of the Lord, yea, and destroy the souls of many people. 29.7
Now I say unto you let us be wise and consider these things, for we have no right to destroy my son, neither should we have any right to destroy another if he should be appointed in his stead. 29.8
And if my son should turn again to his pride and vain things he would recall the things which he had said, and claim his right to the kingdom, which would cause him and also this people to commit much sin. 29.9
And now let us be wise and look forward to these things, and do that which will make for the peace of this people. 29.10
Therefore I will be your king the remainder of my days; nevertheless, let us appoint judges, to judge this people according to our law; and we will newly arrange the affairs of this people, for we will appoint wise men to be judges, that will judge this people according to the commandments of God. 29.11
Now it is better that a man should be judged of God than of man, for the judgments of God are always just, but the judgments of man are not always just. 29.12
Therefore, if it were possible that you could have just men to be your kings, who would establish the laws of God, and judge this people according to his commandments, yea, if ye could have men for your kings who would do even as my father Benjamin did for this people -- I say unto you, if this could always be the case then it would be expedient that ye should always have kings to rule over you. 29.13
And even I myself have labored with all the power and faculties which I have possessed, to teach you the commandments of God, and to establish peace throughout the land, that there should be no wars nor contentions, no stealing, nor plundering, nor murdering, nor any manner of iniquity; 29.14
And whosoever has committed iniquity, him have I punished according to the crime which he has committed, according to the law which has been given to us by our fathers. 29.15
Now I say unto you, that because all men are not just it is not expedient that ye should have a king or kings to rule over you. 29.16
For behold, how much iniquity doth one wicked king cause to be committed, yea, and what great destruction! 29.17
Yea, remember king Noah, his wickedness and his abominations, and also the wickedness and abominations of his people. Behold what great destruction did come upon them; and also because of their iniquities they were brought into bondage. 29.18
And were it not for the interposition of their all-wise Creator, and this because of their sincere repentance, they must unavoidably remain in bondage until now. 29.19
But behold, he did deliver them because they did humble themselves before him; and because they cried mightily unto him he did deliver them out of bondage; and thus doth the Lord work with his power in all cases among the children of men, extending the arm of mercy towards them that put their trust in him. 29.20
And behold, now I say unto you, ye cannot dethrone an iniquitous king save it be through much contention, and the shedding of much blood. 29.21
For behold, he has his friends in iniquity, and he keepeth his guards about him; and he teareth up the laws of those who have reigned in righteousness before him; and he trampleth under his feet the commandments of God; 29.22
And he enacteth laws, and sendeth them forth among his people, yea, laws after the manner of his own wickedness; and whosoever doth not obey his laws he causeth to be destroyed; and whosoever doth rebel against him he will send his armies against them to war, and if he can he will destroy them; and thus an unrighteous king doth pervert the ways of all righteousness. 29.23
And now behold I say unto you, it is not expedient that such abominations should come upon you. 29.24
Therefore, choose you by the voice of this people, judges, that ye may be judged according to the laws which have been given you by our fathers, which are correct, and which were given them by the hand of the Lord. 29.25
Now it is not common that the voice of the people desireth anything contrary to that which is right; but it is common for the lesser part of the people to desire that which is not right; therefore this shall ye observe and make it your law -- to do your business by the voice of the people. 29.26
And if the time comes that the voice of the people doth choose iniquity, then is the time that the judgments of God will come upon you; yea, then is the time he will visit you with great destruction even as he has hitherto visited this land. 29.27
And now if ye have judges, and they do not judge you according to the law which has been given, ye can cause that they may be judged of a higher judge. 29.28
If your higher judges do not judge righteous judgments, ye shall cause that a small number of your lower judges should be gathered together, and they shall judge your higher judges, according to the voice of the people. 29.29
And I command you to do these things in the fear of the Lord; and I command you to do these things, and that ye have no king; that if these people commit sins and iniquities they shall be answered upon their own heads. 29.30
For behold I say unto you, the sins of many people have been caused by the iniquities of their kings; therefore their iniquities are answered upon the heads of their kings. 29.31
And now I desire that this inequality should be no more in this land, especially among this my people; but I desire that this land be a land of liberty, and every man may enjoy his rights and privileges alike, so long as the Lord sees fit that we may live and inherit the land, yea, even as long as any of our posterity remains upon the face of the land. 29.32
Apparently Mosiah actually said much more than is recorded in this chapter. I feel sorry for his scribe.
And many more things did king Mosiah write unto them, unfolding unto them all the trials and troubles of a righteous king, yea, all the travails of soul for their people, and also all the murmurings of the people to their king; and he explained it all unto them. 29.33
And he told them that these things ought not to be; but that the burden should come upon all the people, that every man might bear his part. 29.34
And he also unfolded unto them all the disadvantages they labored under, by having an unrighteous king to rule over them; 29.35
Yea, all his iniquities and abominations, and all the wars, and contentions, and bloodshed, and the stealing, and the plundering, and the committing of whoredoms, and all manner of iniquities which cannot be enumerated -- telling them that these things ought not to be, that they were expressly repugnant to the commandments of God. 29.36
After the people had considered his words, they gave up on the idea of a king. Or maybe his filibuster just wore them out. Either way, they voted for a chief judge "by the voice of the people".
And now it came to pass, after king Mosiah had sent these things forth among the people they were convinced of the truth of his words. 29.37
Therefore they relinquished their desires for a king, and became exceedingly anxious that every man should have an equal chance throughout all the land; yea, and every man expressed a willingness to answer for his own sins. 29.38
Therefore, it came to pass that they assembled themselves together in bodies throughout the land, to cast in their voices concerning who should be their judges, to judge them according to the law which had been given them; and they were exceedingly rejoiced because of the liberty which had been granted unto them. 29.39
They elected Alma as the first chief judge (which was convenient, since he already had all of the seer stones, brass plates and whatnot.)
And it came to pass that Alma was appointed to be the first chief judge, he being also the high priest, his father having conferred the office upon him, and having given him the charge concerning all the affairs of the church. 29.42
Alma was a good Judge.
And now it came to pass that Alma did walk in the ways of the Lord, and he did keep his commandments, and he did judge righteous judgments; and there was continual peace through the land. 29.43
Alma's father, and Mosiah died.
And now it came to pass that his father died, being eighty and two years old, having lived to fulfil the commandments of God. 29.45
And it came to pass that Mosiah died also, in the thirty and third year of his reign, being sixty and three years old; making in the whole, five hundred and nine years from the time Lehi left Jerusalem. 29.46
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And that's it! The end of Mosiah. Next I'll be blogging the book of Alma. I'm shooting for one chapter a day.





Posted by Philip Wells at 1/22/2014 04:57:00 PM 5 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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21 January 2014Mosiah 28: Mosiah's sons go on a mission
After Mosiah's sons were done preaching to everyone in Zarahemla, they wanted a bigger challenge. They decided to ask the king if they could go to the land of Nephi and preach to the Lamanites.
Now it came to pass that after the sons of Mosiah had done all these things, they took a small number with them and returned to their father, the king, and desired of him that he would grant unto them that they might, with these whom they had selected, go up to the land of Nephi that they might preach the things which they had heard, and that they might impart the word of God to their brethren, the Lamanites -- 28.1
Mosiah's sons had good intentions. They wanted to improve relations with the Lamanites, and they thought that if they only bring the Lamanites knowledge of the Lord that they might all get along. They wanted everyone to be saved, and they were really scared at the idea of anyone being tormented forever in hell. (Who can blame them? If I really believed in hell, I'd quake and tremble too!)
That perhaps they might bring them to the knowledge of the Lord their God, and convince them of the iniquity of their fathers; and that perhaps they might cure them of their hatred towards the Nephites, that they might also be brought to rejoice in the Lord their God, that they might become friendly to one another, and that there should be no more contentions in all the land which the Lord their God had given them. 28.2
Now they were desirous that salvation should be declared to every creature, for they could not bear that any human soul should perish; yea, even the very thoughts that any soul should endure endless torment did cause them to quake and tremble. 28.3
Mosiah didn't know whether or not he should let his sons go on this mission... so he asked God. God gave him a surprisingly straightforward answer: Let them go. They'll do a good job, and I'll protect them.
And king Mosiah went and inquired of the Lord if he should let his sons go up among the Lamanites to preach the word. 28.6
And the Lord said unto Mosiah: Let them go up, for many shall believe on their words, and they shall have eternal life; and I will deliver thy sons out of the hands of the Lamanites. 28.7
So his sons left. Mosiah was reassured by God's words, but he was still nervous about one thing. If his sons were off on the mission, who would succeed him?
And it came to pass that Mosiah granted that they might go and do according to their request. 28.8
And they took their journey into the wilderness to go up to preach the word among the Lamanites; and I shall give an account of their proceedings hereafter. 28.9
Now king Mosiah had no one to confer the kingdom upon, for there was not any of his sons who would accept of the kingdom. 28.10
 Now that his sons were gone, Mosiah decided to pick up an old project that he had put off for a while. He started translating the brass plates and the plates of Nephi. His people really wanted to know what had happened to their ancestors, and since his sons were off who knows where and he might be the last true seer in a while, he decided to get to work.
Therefore he took the records which were engraven on the plates of brass, and also the plates of Nephi, and all the things which he had kept and preserved according to the commandments of God, after having translated and caused to be written the records which were on the plates of gold which had been found by the people of Limhi, which were delivered to him by the hand of Limhi. 28.11
And this he did because of the great anxiety of his people; for they were desirous beyond measure to know concerning those people who had been destroyed. 28.12
He used the seer stones that were prepared from the very beginning, passed down from generation to generation and preserved by the hand of the Lord. The two stones were fastened into the two rims of a bow, but it's unclear whether or not he used the Joseph Smith Hat Method.




And now he translated them by the means of those two stones which were fastened into the two rims of a bow. 28.13


Now these things were prepared from the beginning, and were handed down from generation to generation, for the purpose of interpreting languages; 28.14
And they have been kept and preserved by the hand of the Lord, that he should discover to every creature who should possess the land the iniquities and abominations of his people; 28.15
So what did Mosiah learn from the long lost plates? Just about everything. They told the history of his people right back to the very beginning, all of the way to the tower of Babel and even to the creation of Adam. It doesn't get much better than that.
 Now after Mosiah had finished translating these records, behold, it gave an account of the people who were destroyed, from the time that they were destroyed back to the building of the great tower, at the time the Lord confounded the language of the people and they were scattered abroad upon the face of all the earth, yea, and even from that time back until the creation of Adam. 28.17
The people, as usual, were both really happy and really sad to hear the story.
Now this account did cause the people of Mosiah to mourn exceedingly, yea, they were filled with sorrow; nevertheless it gave them much knowledge, in the which they did rejoice. 28.18
After Mosiah was done translating, he gave everything to Alma: The plates, the seer stones, all of the records, everything. It looks like we have our new king, ladies and gentlemen! (Although Mosiah didn't want to call him that, as we learn in the next chapter.)
And now, as I said unto you, that after king Mosiah had done these things, he took the plates of brass, and all the things which he had kept, and conferred them upon Alma, who was the son of Alma; yea, all the records, and also the interpreters, and conferred them upon him, and commanded him that he should keep and preserve them, and also keep a record of the people, handing them down from one generation to another, even as they had been handed down from the time that Lehi left Jerusalem. 28.20




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20 January 2014Some Bible Stories for kids
(to help the Bible Society with its new campaign)
The Bible Society announced a new campaign for Christian parents that encourages them to read Bible stories to their kids. And I think that's a great idea.
Here are a few Bible stories to get them started. (I've added links to the Brick Testament stories whenever possible.)

"The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men." Genesis 6:2-4
Angels had sex with women producing giant offspring.

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"All flesh died that moved upon the earth." Genesis 7:21-23
God drowned everything that breathes air. From newborn babies to koala bears -- all creatures great and small, the Lord God drowned them all.

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"Noah ... drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent." Genesis 9:20-25
Noah gets drunk and curses his grandson (and all his descendants) because his son saw him naked.

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"I pray thee, go in unto my maid ... And Abraham harkened unto the voice of Sarah." Genesis 16:2
Abraham impregnates his wife's slave girl.

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"Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes." Genesis 19:1-8
The just and righteous Lot offers his daughters to a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers.

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"Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father." Genesis 19:30-38
Lot gets drunk and impregnates his virgin daughters.

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"Sarah ... said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman and her son ... And God said unto Abraham ... hearken unto her voice." Genesis 21:9-12
Abraham abandons his first son, Ishmael.

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"And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son." Genesis 22:2-13
Abraham shows his willingness to kill his second son, Isaac, for God.

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"Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes."Genesis 30:16

Leah buy sex with her son's mandrakes.


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"When he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground." Genesis 38:8-10

God killed Onan for ejaculating outside of a vagina.


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"Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." Genesis 38:13-18

Judah has sex with his daughter-in-law and then orders her to be burned to death.


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"The LORD met him, and sought to kill him." Exodus 4:24

God tries to kill Moses. (It had something to do with foreskins.)


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"The LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt." Exodus 12:29-30

God kills all the firstborn Egyptian children. "There was not a house where there was not one dead."


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"Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and ... slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour." Exodus 32:27-28

God forces the people to kill each other for dancing naked around Aaron's golden calf.


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"And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts." Exodus 33:20-23

God shows Moses his backparts.


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"The sons of Aaron ... offered strange fire before the LORD... And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD... And Aaron held his peace." Leviticus 10:1-3

Aaron watched in silence as his sons were burned to death by God.


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"Bring forth him that had cursed out of the camp, and stone him with stones." Leviticus 24:10-23

Moses orders the people to stone to death a man who cursed. "And the children of Israel did as the LORD commanded Moses."


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"When the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them." Numbers 11:1

God burned people alive for complaining.


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"And while the flesh was yet between their teeth ... the LORD smote the people with a very great plague." Numbers 11:4-33

God sent a great plague on the people for complaining about the food.


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"A man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day." Numbers 15:32-36

God commands the people to stone to death a man who gathered sticks on the Sabbath.


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"And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up." Numbers 16:20-35

Because of a dispute between Korah and Moses, God has the ground open up and swallow Korah, his companions, "and their wives, and their sons, and their little children."


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"And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died." Numbers 21:6

For complaining (again) about the lack of food and water, God sent fiery serpents to bite the people, and many of them died.


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"And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam..." Numbers 22:23-30

Balaam and his donkey have a nice little chat. Apparently, they do this often, since Balaam isn't the least bit surprised when his donkey starts talking to him.


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"Phinehas ... thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." Numbers 25:1-13

One of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman. When Phinehas sees the happy couple, he throws a spear "through the man .. and the woman through her belly." This act pleases God so much that "the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." But not before 24,000 had died.


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"Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." Numbers 31:1-54

Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all the adult males, but take the women and children captive. When Moses learns that they let some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the women alive? Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves."


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"I have a message from God unto thee." Judges 3:15-22

Ehud delivers a "message from God" to the king of Moab: a knife thrust so deeply into the king's belly that it could not be extracted, "and the dirt came out."


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"Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground." Judges 4:17-23

Jael offers food and shelter to a traveler (Sisera, Jabin's captain), saying "turn in my Lord ... fear not." Then after giving him a glass of milk and tucking him in, she drives a tent stake through his head.


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"As a dog lappeth" Judges 7:4-7

God picks the men to fight in Gideon's army by the way they drink water. Only those that lap water with their tongues, "as a dog lappeth," shall fight in Gideon's Holy War.


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"At the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed." Judges 11:29-39

Jephthah sacrifices his daughter to God.


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"Samson went and caught three hundred foxes." Judges 15:4-5

Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire.


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"Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you." Judges 19:22-30

After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes it home. Then he chops the body up into twelve pieces and sends a piece to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.


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"And they had emerods in their secret parts." 1 Samuel 5:6-12

God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts."


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"Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass." 1 Samuel 15:2-3

God orders Saul to kill all of the Amalekites: men, women, infants, sucklings, ox, sheep, camels, and asses. Why? Because God remembers what Amalek did hundreds of years ago.


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"And David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife." 1 Samuel 18:25-27

David buys his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins.


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"Absalom went into his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel." 2 Samuel 16:21-22

Because David caused people to blaspheme, God had David's concubines publicly raped by his son, Absalom.


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"The child also that is born unto thee shall surely die." 2 Samuel 12:13-18

To punish David for having Uriah killed and causing others to blaspheme, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy.


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"Being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her." 2 Samuel 13:14
David's son rapes David's daughter.


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"So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel ... and there died of the people ... seventy thousand men." 2 Samuel 24:1-15

Because of David's census (which God inspired), God killed 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and children).


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"And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not." 1 Kings 1:1-4

Poor old king David could get no heat. So they searched throughout the kingdom for a beautiful virgin. They found one (Abishag), and she "cherished the king, and ministered to him," but he still couldn't get any heat.


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"Go up thou bald head." 2 Kings 2:23-24
God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head.


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"Son of man, behold I take away from thee the dire of thine eyes ... So ... my wife died; and I did in the morning as I was commanded." Ezekiel 24:16-17
God kills Ezekiel's wife and tells him not to mourn her.


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 "The whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters." Matthew 8:28-34
The devils ask Jesus to cast them into a herd of pigs. He does, and the poor pigs run off into the sea and drown.


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"For the time of figs was not yet." Mark 11:13

Jesus curses a fig tree for not having fruit (even though it was not the right season for figs).


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"But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me." Luke 19:11-27

Jesus explains in a parable that those who refuse to submit to him will be killed while he watches.


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"Behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost." Acts 5:1-10

Peter scares Ananias and his wife to death for not giving the church all of the money that they made when selling their land.


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"The hand of the Lord is upon thee, and thou shalt be blind." Acts 13:8-11

Paul and the Holy Ghost make Elymas (the sorcerer) blind.


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"The angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the glory: and he was eaten of worms, and gave up the ghost." Acts 12:23

The "angel of the Lord" killed Herod by having him "eaten of worms" because "he gave not God the glory."
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/20/2014 02:00:00 PM 5 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 January 2014Mosiah 27: A visit from God's angel
The unbelievers were not behaving themselves. Apparently they were persecuting the believers so badly that Mosiah had to consult with his priests and then make a proclamation.
And now it came to pass that the persecutions which were inflicted on the church by the unbelievers became so great that the church began to murmur, and complain to their leaders concerning the matter; and they did complain to Alma. And Alma laid the case before their king, Mosiah. And Mosiah consulted with his priests. 27.1
And it came to pass that king Mosiah sent a proclamation throughout the land round about that there should not any unbeliever persecute any of those who belonged to the church of God. 27.2
There was also a "strict commandment" throughout the churches that there should be equality among all men, and that there shouldn't be any persecutions among the members of the church. While this is a nice thought, you wouldn't think that this would be necessary among the church members. Weren't they behaving themselves already? In any event, the commandment was followed, and the people grew more and more prosperous throughout the land.
And there was a strict command throughout all the churches that there should be no persecutions among them, that there should be an equality among all men; 27.3
And there began to be much peace again in the land; and the people began to be very numerous, and began to scatter abroad upon the face of the earth, yea, on the north and on the south, on the east and on the west, building large cities and villages in all quarters of the land. 27.6
And the Lord did visit them and prosper them, and they became a large and wealthy people. 27.7
But there were still those damned unbelievers to deal with. Mosiah's own sons were unbelievers, and Alma's son too!  Alma's son, Alma (we'll call him Alma Jr.) was a real smooth talker (a man of many words) and he convinced many church members over to whoredom, baby eating*, and other evil stuff unbelievers do.
Now the sons of Mosiah were numbered among the unbelievers; and also one of the sons of Alma was numbered among them, he being called Alma, after his father; nevertheless, he became a very wicked and an idolatrous man. And he was a man of many words, and did speak much flattery to the people; therefore he led many of the people to do after the manner of his iniquities. 27.8
And he became a great hinderment to the prosperity of the church of God; stealing away the hearts of the people; causing much dissension among the people; giving a chance for the enemy of God to exercise his power over them. 27.9
But one day, just as they were about to destroy some more innocent lives, an angel of the lord went and visited them. He said he came because Alma (senior) prayed and prayed for his son to see the light.
And now it came to pass that while he was going about to destroy the church of God, for he did go about secretly with the sons of Mosiah seeking to destroy the church, and to lead astray the people of the Lord, contrary to the commandments of God, or even the king -- 27:10
And as I said unto you, as they were going about rebelling against God, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto them; and he descended as it were in a cloud; and he spake as it were with a voice of thunder, which caused the earth to shake upon which they stood; 27.11
And so great was their astonishment, that they fell to the earth, and understood not the words which he spake unto them. 27.12
Nevertheless he cried again, saying: Alma, arise and stand forth, for why persecutest thou the church of God? For the Lord hath said: This is my church, and I will establish it; and nothing shall overthrow it, save it is the transgression of my people. 27.13
And again, the angel said: Behold, the Lord hath heard the prayers of his people, and also the prayers of his servant, Alma, who is thy father; for he has prayed with much faith concerning thee that thou mightest be brought to the knowledge of the truth; therefore, for this purpose have I come to convince thee of the power and authority of God, that the prayers of his servants might be answered according to their faith. 27.14
And now behold, can ye dispute the power of God? For behold, doth not my voice shake the earth? And can ye not also behold me before you? And I am sent from God. 27.15
Alma and his buddies were pretty impressed. This guy's voice shook the earth! They knew that nothing besides the voice of God could shake the friggin' earth. (This was before the Seahawks and the Beastquake, so we'll forgive them).
And now Alma and those that were with him fell again to the earth, for great was their astonishment; for with their own eyes they had beheld an angel of the Lord; and his voice was as thunder, which shook the earth; and they knew that there was nothing save the power of God that could shake the earth and cause it to tremble as though it would part asunder. 27.18
Alma was so astonished that he couldn't talk or move afterwards. His friends carried him back to his father, laid him at his feed, and told Alma Sr. the story.
And now the astonishment of Alma was so great that he became dumb, that he could not open his mouth; yea, and he became weak, even that he could not move his hands; therefore he was taken by those that were with him, and carried helpless, even until he was laid before his father. 27.19
And they rehearsed unto his father all that had happened unto them; and his father rejoiced, for he knew that it was the power of God. 27.20
Alma brought a bunch of people together, and then they fasted and prayed for Alma Jr. After two days, Alma regained strength and his speech. Then, of course, it was time for his speech.
And he caused that a multitude should be gathered together that they might witness what the Lord had done for his son, and also for those that were with him. 27.21
And he caused that the priests should assemble themselves together; and they began to fast, and to pray to the Lord their God that he would open the mouth of Alma, that he might speak, and also that his limbs might receive their strength -- that the eyes of the people might be opened to see and know of the goodness and glory of God. 27.22 
And it came to passafter they had fasted and prayed for the space of two days and two nights, the limbs of Alma received their strength, and he stood up and began to speak unto them. 27.23
He proceeds to give a long speech explaining how the Lord saved him, how awful things were before he knew God, etc.
For, said he, I have repented of my sins, and have been redeemed of the Lord; behold I am born of the Spirit. 27.24
And the Lord said unto me: Marvel not that all mankind, yea, men and women, all nations, kindreds, tongues and people, must be born again; yea, born of God, changed from their carnal and fallen state, to a state of righteousness, being redeemed of God, becoming his sons and daughters; 27.25
And thus they become new creatures; and unless they do this, they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God. 27.26
I say unto you, unless this be the case, they must be cast off; and this I know, because I was like to be cast off. 27.27
Nevertheless, after wading through much tribulations, repenting nigh unto death, the Lord in mercy hath seen fit to snatch me out of an everlasting burning, and I am born of God. 27.28
My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity. I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God. My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more. 27.29
I rejected my Redeemer, and denied that which had been spoken of by our fathers; but now that they may foresee that he will come, and that he remembereth every creature of his creating, he will make himself manifest unto all. 27.30
Yea, every knee shall bow, and every tongue confess before him. Yea, even at the last day, when all men shall stand to be judged of him, then shall they confess that he is God; then shall they confess, who live without God in the world, that the judgment of an everlasting punishment is just upon them; and they shall quake, and tremble, and shrink beneath the glance of his all-searching eye. 27.31
From then on, Alma and his merry men (the sons of Mosiah: Ammon, Aaron, Omner and Himni) spent their days preaching to the people, teaching them and "publishing peace" throughout Zarahemla. Glory!
And now it came to pass that Alma began from this time forward to teach the people, and those who were with Alma at the time the angel appeared unto them, traveling round about through all the land, publishing to all the people the things which they had heard and seen, and preaching the word of God in much tribulation, being greatly persecuted by those who were unbelievers, being smitten by many of them. 27.32
But notwithstanding all this, they did impart much consolation to the church, confirming their faith, and exhorting them with long-suffering and much travail to keep the commandments of God. 27.33
And four of them were the sons of Mosiah; and their names were Ammon, and Aaron, and Omner, and Himni; these were the names of the sons of Mosiah. 27.34
And they traveled throughout all the lands of Zarahemla, and among all the people who were under the reign of king Mosiah, zealously striving to repair all the injuries which they had done to the church, confessing all their sins, and publishing all the things which they had seen, and explaining the prophecies and the scriptures to all who desired to hear them. 27.35
And thus they were instruments in the hands of God in bringing many to the knowledge of the truth, yea, to the knowledge of their Redeemer. 27.36
And how blessed are they! For they did publish peace; they did publish good tidings of good; and they did declare unto the people that the Lord reigneth. 27.37

*Just kidding. I'm pretty sure they didn't eat babies.

Posted by Philip Wells at 1/18/2014 05:58:00 PM 0 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 January 2014Mosiah 26: What to do with the unbelievers?
Just as things are starting to go really well for the new church, it starts to be threatened by the "rising generation" of unbelievers. Sound familiar? Maybe the Book of Mormon was prophesying about today.
Now it came to pass that there were many of the rising generation that could not understand the words of king Benjamin, being little children at the time he spake unto his people; and they did not believe the tradition of their fathers. 26.1
They did not believe what had been said concerning the resurrection of the dead, neither did they believe concerning the coming of Christ. 26.2
The unbelievers started to flatter and deceive the church members, so it became clear that the church had to do something about them. The unbelievers were gathered up and brought before Alma.
For it came to pass that they did deceive many with their flattering words, who were in the church, and did cause them to commit many sins; therefore it became expedient that those who committed sin, that were in the church, should be admonished by the church. 26.6
And it came to pass that they were brought before the priests, and delivered up unto the priests by the teachers; and the priests brought them before Alma, who was the high priest. 26.7
Alma didn't know what to do with them, so he brought them before king Mosiah.
Now there had not any such thing happened before in the church; therefore Alma was troubled in his spirit, and he caused that they should be brought before the king. 26.10
And he said unto the king: Behold, here are many whom we have brought before thee, who are accused of their brethren; yea, and they have been taken in divers iniquities. And they do not repent of their iniquities; therefore we have brought them before thee, that thou mayest judge them according to their crimes. 26.11
King Mosiah didn't know what to do with them, so he gave them back to Alma
But king Mosiah said unto Alma: Behold, I judge them not; therefore I deliver them into thy hands to be judged. 26.12
Alma still didn't know what to do with them, so he asks God.
And now the spirit of Alma was again troubled; and he went and inquired of the Lord what he should do concerning this matter, for he feared that he should do wrong in the sight of God. 26.13
After he pours out his whole soul, God answers: If the unbelievers repent, let them back in the church. If not, Let 'em burn.
And it came to pass that after he had poured out his whole soul to God, the voice of the Lord came to him, saying:
Blessed art thou, Alma, and blessed are they who were baptized in the waters of Mormon. Thou art blessed because of thy exceeding faith in the words alone of my servant Abinadi.
26.14-26.15
Thou art my servant; and I covenant with thee that thou shalt have eternal life; and thou shalt serve me and go forth in my name, and shalt gather together my sheep. 26.20
For behold, this is my church; whosoever is baptized shall be baptized unto repentance. And whomsoever ye receive shall believe in my name; and him will I freely forgive. 26.22
And it shall come to pass that when the second trump shall sound then shall they that never knew me come forth and shall stand before me. 26.25
And then I will confess unto them that I never knew them; and they shall depart into everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 26.27
Alma "blotted out" the names of those who did not repent, and the church lived happily every after.
And those that would not confess their sins and repent of their iniquity, the same were not numbered among the people of the church, and their names were blotted out. 26.36
And it came to pass that Alma did regulate all the affairs of the church; and they began again to have peace and to prosper exceedingly in the affairs of the church, walking circumspectly before God, receiving many, and baptizing many. 26.37
And now all these things did Alma and his fellow laborers do who were over the church, walking in all diligence, teaching the word of God in all things, suffering all manner of afflictions, being persecuted by all those who did not belong to the church of God. 26.38

Posted by Philip Wells at 1/16/2014 05:16:00 PM 2 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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15 January 2014The Thinking Atheist Podcast and other news
We are busy working on the Skeptic's Annotated Book of Mormon at the moment, but there have been a few interesting things come up about the SAB that we wanted to share. First off, Steve was on the Thinking Atheist Podcast with Seth Andrews yesterday. Here's the link to listen to the show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpkVCU2TA4s






Also, we donated 3 cases of Skeptic's Annotated Bibles to the Center For Inquiry's Freethought Prison Project. We thought it was a pretty cool program, and worthwhile to support. The folks over at The Blaze wrote a surprisingly informative article about the situation:

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2014/01/15/secular-group-targets-prisoners-with-plan-to-battle-bibles-and-religious-messages-in-american-prisons/

Maybe Steve will get invited to go on Glenn Beck. Fingers crossed.





Posted by Philip Wells at 1/15/2014 02:06:00 PM 0 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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 26 February 2014Alma 10: The Evil Lawyers of Ammonihah
Amulek then hops on the soapbox. He tells his story, beginning with his fascinating genealogy. Then he explains how until a few days ago, he was just like them.
Nevertheless, I did harden my heart, for I was called many times and I would not hear; therefore I knew concerning these things, yet I would not know; therefore I went on rebelling against God, in the wickedness of my heart, even until the fourth day of this seventh month, which is in the tenth year of the reign of the judges. 10.6
But then he was visited by an angel. The angel told him to go home and keep his eyes peeled for a prophet. It was his duty to take the prophet into his house for a few days and to feed him.
As I was journeying to see a very near kindred, behold an angel of the Lord appeared unto me and said: Amulek, return to thine own house, for thou shalt feed a prophet of the Lord; yea, a holy man, who is a chosen man of God; for he has fasted many days because of the sins of this people, and he is an hungered, and thou shalt receive him into thy house and feed him, and he shall bless thee and thy house; and the blessing of the Lord shall rest upon thee and thy house. 10.7
Amulek listened to the angel. As he was journeying home he saw the prophet (which was Alma, of course) and invited him inside.
And it came to pass that I obeyed the voice of the angel, and returned towards my house. And as I was going thither I found the man whom the angel said unto me: Thou shalt receive into thy house -- and behold it was this same man who has been speaking unto you concerning the things of God. 10.8
The people were pretty impressed with Amulek's story. When one person tells a story, they might be lying... but if their friend corroborates their story, it's probably true.
And now, when Amulek had spoken these words the people began to be astonished, seeing there was more than one witness who testified of the things whereof they were accused, and also of the things which were to come, according to the spirit of prophecy which was in them. 10.12
But everyone wasn't convinced. There were these crafty people called "lawyers" who started asking Amulek and Alma all kinds of questions to see if their story held up to scrutiny.
Nevertheless, there were some among them who thought to question them, that by their cunning devices they might catch them in their words, that they might find witness against them, that they might deliver them to their judges that they might be judged according to the law, and that they might be slain or cast into prison, according to the crime which they could make appear or witness against them. 10.13
Now it was those men who sought to destroy them, who were lawyers, who were hired or appointed by the people to administer the law at their times of trials, or at the trials of the crimes of the people before the judges. 10.14
Now these lawyers were learned in all the arts and cunning of the people; and this was to enable them that they might be skilful in their profession. 10.15 
And it came to pass that they began to question Amulek, that thereby they might make him cross his words, or contradict the words which he should speak. 10.16
Alma deflected the questions by threatening the people in the city, and with ad hominem attacks against the lawyers.
Now they knew not that Amulek could know of their designs. But it came to pass as they began to question him, he perceived their thoughts, and he said unto them: O ye wicked and perverse generation, ye lawyers and hypocrites, for ye are laying the foundation of the devil; for ye are laying traps and snares to catch the holy ones of God. 10.17
Ye are laying plans to pervert the ways of the righteous, and to bring down the wrath of God upon your heads, even to the utter destruction of this people. 10.18
The people take the bait, and get angry with Amulek for insulting their just laws and their wise lawyers.
And now it came to pass that the people were more angry with Amulek, and they cried out, saying: This man doth revile against our laws which are just, and our wise lawyers whom we have selected. 10.24
Amulek fires back with more of the same arguments
But Amulek stretched forth his hand, and cried the mightier unto them, saying: O ye wicked and perverse generation, why hath Satan got such great hold upon your hearts? Why will ye yield yourselves unto him that he may have power over you, to blind your eyes, that ye will not understand the words which are spoken, according to their truth? 10.25
And now behold, I say unto you, that the foundation of the destruction of this people is beginning to be laid by the unrighteousness of your lawyers and your judges. 10.27
Then right before the chapter ends we are introduced to Zeezrom, one of the Ammonihahite lawyers. He is the cleverest of the bunch, and I'm guessing he's going to be a major character in the next few chapters of Alma.
And there was one among them whose name was Zeezrom. Now he was the foremost to accuse Amulek and Alma, he being one of the most expert among them, having much business to do among the people.10.31
PS, in case you hadn't realized yet, dear reader, lawyers are greedy, greedy people. What a funny way to end the chapter!
Now the object of these lawyers was to get gain; and they got gain according to their employ. 10.32

Posted by Philip Wells at 2/26/2014 01:50:00 PM 0 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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23 February 2014Alma 9: Alma Speaks Again to the People of Ammonihah
In the last chapter, Alma was visited by an angel who told him to return no Ammonihah and preach to them again. He returned to the city, met a friend (Amulek), and worked his nerve up to preach to the people again.
When Alma started to preach the second time to the people of Ammonihah, he wasn't very successful. The people didn't listen to him. They kept saying things like: "God is going to destroy this whole city in a single day, and all he sends as warning is YOU?" They just didn't believe that Alma was a prophet. I guess they wanted proof or something.
And again, I, Alma, having been commanded of God that I should take Amulek and go forth and preach again unto this people, or the people who were in the city of Ammonihah, it came to pass as I began to preach unto them, they began to contend with me, saying: 9.1
Who art thou? Suppose ye that we shall believe the testimony of one man, although he should preach unto us that the earth should pass away? 9.2
And they said also: We will not believe thy words if thou shouldst prophesy that this great city should be destroyed in one day. 9.4
And they said: Who is God, that sendeth no more authority than one man among this people, to declare unto them the truth of such great and marvelous things? 9.6
Alma responds by reminding them how many times God has helped them in the past, especially how many times God helped them in battle. And he reminds them again how God will destroy them if they don't straighten up and fly right.
Behold, O ye wicked and perverse generation, how have ye forgotten the tradition of your fathers; yea, how soon ye have forgotten the commandments of God. 9.8
Do ye not remember that our father, Lehi, was brought out of Jerusalem by the hand of God? Do ye not remember that they were all led by him through the wilderness? 9.9 
And have ye forgotten so soon how many times he delivered our fathers out of the hands of their enemies, and preserved them from being destroyed, even by the hands of their own brethren? 9.10
Behold, now I say unto you that he commandeth you to repent; and except ye repent, ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God. But behold, this is not all -- he has commanded you to repent, or he will utterly destroy you from off the face of the earth; yea, he will visit you in his anger, and in his fierce anger he will not turn away. 9.12
In  fact, it will be even worse for the Ammonihahites than for the Lamanites, unless they repent of their sins and stop living wicked lives.
Now I would that ye should remember, that inasmuch as the Lamanites have not kept the commandments of God, they have been cut off from the presence of the Lord. Now we see that the word of the Lord has been verified in this thing, and the Lamanites have been cut off from his presence, from the beginning of their transgressions in the land. 9.14
Nevertheless I say unto you, that it shall be more tolerable for them in the day of judgment than for you, if ye remain in your sins, yea, and even more tolerable for them in this life than for you, except ye repent. 9.15
God will also send the Lamanites after them if they don't repent.
But behold, I say unto you that if ye persist in your wickedness that your days shall not be prolonged in the land, for the Lamanites shall be sent upon you; and if ye repent not they shall come in a time when you know not, and ye shall be visited with utter destruction; and it shall be according to the fierce anger of the Lord. 9.18
You see, Jesus is coming soon. And he's a really nice guy.. he's full of grace, and truth; he's patient, merciful and kind. But if you don't repent before he gets here, then he'll throw you all in hell.
And now for this cause, that ye may not be destroyed the Lord has sent his angel to visit many of his people, declaring unto them that they must go forth and cry mightily unto this people, saying: Repent ye, for the kingdom of heaven is nigh at hand; 9.25
And not many days hence the Son of God shall come in his glory; and his glory shall be the glory of the Only Begotten of the Father, full of grace, equity, and truth, full of patience, mercy, and long-suffering, quick to hear the cries of his people and to answer their prayers. 9.26
Therefore, prepare ye the way of the Lord, for the time is at hand that all men shall reap a reward of their works, according to that which they have been -- if they have been righteous they shall reap the salvation of their souls, according to the power and deliverance of Jesus Christ; and if they have been evil they shall reap the damnation of their souls, according to the power and captivation of the devil. 9.28
Then Alma called the Ammonihahites a "lost and fallen people". That really made them mad, because they were hard-hearted and stiffnecked. They tried to throw Alma in prison, but God wouldn't let them.
And now, my beloved brethren, for ye are my brethren, and ye ought to be beloved, and ye ought to bring forth works which are meet for repentance, seeing that your hearts have been grossly hardened against the word of God, and seeing that ye are a lost and a fallen people. 9.30
Now it came to pass that when I, Alma, had spoken these words, behold, the people were wroth with me because I said unto them that they were a hard-hearted and a stiffnecked people. 9.31
And also because I said unto them that they were a lost and a fallen people they were angry with me, and sought to lay their hands upon me, that they might cast me into prison. 9.32
But it came to pass that the Lord did not suffer them that they should take me at that time and cast me into prison. 9.33
After that, Alma stopped speaking and let his friend Amulek give it a try. Maybe he would have better luck.
And it came to pass that Amulek went and stood forth, and began to preach unto them also. And now the words of Amulek are not all written, nevertheless a part of his words are written in this book. 9.34
In the next chapter we get to hear the abridged version of Amulek's speech.
Posted by Philip Wells at 2/23/2014 07:12:00 PM 2 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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22 February 2014Behold, The Bridegroom Cometh
This video is featured at the LDS.org website, which seems somehow appropriate, given the church's recent apology for its polygamous past.
But what the hell was Jesus thinking when he came up with this parable? Can you imagine a modern religious leader using this story to illustrate a point, whatever that point might be? I can't.
Jesus's parable implicitly approves of things that we all (well most of us, anyway) disapprove of today -- a man having ten wives, all necessarily virgins, submissive to a husband who is their lord and master.
I love the video, though -- especially the expression on Jesus's face when he says, "The Kingdom of Heaven can be likened to ten virgins." He almost seems to wink to all the guys out there, saying, "You know what I'm talking about."
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/22/2014 11:38:00 AM 2 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 February 2014Alma 8: Alma, the Door-to-Door Salesman
After finishing up in Gideon, Alma returned to his home in Zarahemla to rest. A year or so later he decided to go preach in Melek. Melek was in the West, across the Sidon river, on the edge of the wilderness.
And now it came to pass that Alma returned from the land of Gideon, after having taught the people of Gideon many things which cannot be written, having established the order of the church, according as he had before done in the land of Zarahemla, yea, he returned to his own house at Zarahemla to rest himself from the labors which he had performed. 8.1
And it came to pass in the commencement of the tenth year of the reign of the judges over the people of Nephi, that Alma departed from thence and took his journey over into the land of Melek, on the west of the river Sidon, on the west by the borders of the wilderness. 8.3
Alma was very successful in Melek. People came from far away to hear his sermons, and he baptized just about everyone in the vicinity of Melek.
And he began to teach the people in the land of Melek according to the holy order of God, by which he had been called; and he began to teach the people throughout all the land of Melek. 8.4
And it came to pass that the people came to him throughout all the borders of the land which was by the wilderness side. And they were baptized throughout all the land; 8.5
When he decided his work was done in Melek, Alma traveled north to the city of Ammonihah. Unfortunately for Alma, Satan had already beat him there. The people there had hard hearts and wouldn't listen to Alma's teachings. They called his religion "foolish traditions".
So that when he had finished his work at Melek he departed thence, and traveled three days' journey on the north of the land of Melek; and he came to a city which was called Ammonihah. 8.6
Now Satan had gotten great hold upon the hearts of the people of the city of Ammonihah; therefore they would not hearken unto the words of Alma. 8.9
Nevertheless, they hardened their hearts, saying unto him: Behold, we know that thou art Alma; and we know that thou art high priest over the church which thou hast established in many parts of the land, according to your tradition; and we are not of thy church, and we do not believe in such foolish traditions. 8.11
Alma tried really hard to convert the Ammonihahites. He "labored much in the spirit" and even tried "wrestling with God in mighty prayer," but nothing worked. (What a waste of a good God-wrestle! He didn't even get a new name or anything...)
The Ammonihahites knew that Alma wasn't chief judge anymore, and that had no real power over them. Even back then people understood the value of separating church and state!
Nevertheless Alma labored much in the spirit, wrestling with God in mighty prayer, that he would pour out his Spirit upon the people who were in the city; that he would also grant that he might baptize them unto repentance. 8.10
And now we know that because we are not of thy church we know that thou hast no power over us; and thou hast delivered up the judgment-seat unto Nephihah; therefore thou art not the chief judge over us. 8.12
Then they got rude. They spit on Alma and kicked him out of the city. He decided to travel north and try his luck in the city of Aaron.
Now when the people had said this, and withstood all his words, and reviled him, and spit upon him, and caused that he should be cast out of their city, he departed thence and took his journey towards the city which was called Aaron. 8.13
On his way he was stopped by an angel of the Lord. The angel told him to return to Ammonihah and try again. Yea, he told him to try again (see verse 16). The angel told him that the people of Ammonihah would eventually destroy his people unless they were converted.
The angel made no promises about his luck, but Alma obeyed and ran back to the city. He snuck in through the southern entrance.
And it came to pass that while he was journeying thither, being weighed down with sorrow, wading through much tribulation and anguish of soul, because of the wickedness of the people who were in the city of Ammonihah, it came to pass while Alma was thus weighed down with sorrow, behold an angel of the Lord appeared unto him, saying: 8.14
Blessed art thou, Alma; therefore, lift up thy head and rejoice, for thou hast great cause to rejoice; for thou hast been faithful in keeping the commandments of God from the time which thou receivedst thy first message from him. Behold, I am he that delivered it unto you. 8.15
And behold, I am sent to command thee that thou return to the city of Ammonihah, and preach again unto the people of the city; yea, preach unto them. Yea, say unto them, except they repent the Lord God will destroy them. 8.16   
For behold, they do study at this time that they may destroy the liberty of thy people, (for thus saith the Lord) which is contrary to the statutes, and judgments, and commandments which he has given unto his people. 8.17 
Now it came to pass that after Alma had received his message from the angel of the Lord he returned speedily to the land of Ammonihah. And he entered the city by another way, yea, by the way which is on the south of the city of Ammonihah. 8.18
Alma was getting hungry (an hungered) so he decided to take his chances and ask someone there to feed him. He got lucky and ran into a nice guy named Amulek who took him in and fed him. He ended up staying with Amulek for "many days" before getting his nerve up to speak to the people.

And as he entered the city he was an hungered, and he said to a man: Will ye give to an humble servant of God something to eat? 8.19 
And the man said unto him: I am a Nephite, and I know that thou art a holy prophet of God, for thou art the man whom an angel said in a vision: Thou shalt receive. Therefore, go with me into my house and I will impart unto thee of my food; and I know that thou wilt be a blessing unto me and my house. 8.20
And it came to pass that the man received him into his house; and the man was called Amulek; and he brought forth bread and meat and set before Alma. 8.21
And it came to pass that Alma ate bread and was filled; and he blessed Amulek and his house, and he gave thanks unto God. 8.22
And after he had eaten and was filled he said unto Amulek: I am Alma, and am the high priest over the church of God throughout the land. 8.23 
And behold, I have been called to preach the word of God among all this people, according to the spirit of revelation and prophecy; and I was in this land and they would not receive me, but they cast me out and I was about to set my back towards this land forever. 8.24
But behold, I have been commanded that I should turn again and prophesy unto this people, yea, and to testify against them concerning their iniquities. 8.25 
And now, Amulek, because thou hast fed me and taken me in, thou art blessed; for I was an hungered, for I had fasted many days. 8.26 
And Alma tarried many days with Amulek before he began to preach unto the people. 8.27
In the meantime, the situation in Ammonihah was just getting worse and worse. The people there were more wicked than ever. Alma was spoken to again by the angel, and the angel told him to recruit Amulek to help him preach to the people--and to get started and quit dilly-dallying.
And the word came to Alma, saying: Go; and also say unto my servant Amulek, go forth and prophesy unto this people, saying -- Repent ye, for thus saith the Lord, except ye repent I will visit this people in mine anger; yea, and I will not turn my fierce anger away. 8.29
So they started preaching. This time Alma wasn't letting himself get pushed around. The spirit gave them the power to break bands (like Samson), escape from dungeons, and not be killed. They didn't show off their powers right away, though. First they waited until they got thrown in prison, and then they escaped, so they could show the Lord's power.
And they had power given unto them, insomuch that they could not be confined in dungeons; neither was it possible that any man could slay them; nevertheless they did not exercise their power until they were bound in bands and cast into prison. Now, this was done that the Lord might show forth his power in them. 8.31
And it came to pass that they went forth and began to preach and to prophesy unto the people, according to the spirit and power which the Lord had given them. 8.32
 I bet everyone was pretty impressed.



Posted by Philip Wells at 2/18/2014 04:53:00 PM 0 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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17 February 2014Alma 7: Jesus is Coming
In the last chapter, Alma left Zarahemla to go visit the new city of Gideon, and preach to the people there. When he arrives, he starts his speech by explaining why he hadn't visited already. You see, he was a little preoccupied before because he was both high priest and chief judge.
Behold my beloved brethren, seeing that I have been permitted to come unto you, therefore I attempt to address you in my language; yea, by my own mouth, seeing that it is the first time that I have spoken unto you by the words of my mouth, I having been wholly confined to the judgment-seat, having had much business that I could not come unto you. 7.1
Alma then explains to them the problems of Zarahemla, and how he hopes that they have avoided similar problems in Gideon.
And behold, I have come having great hopes and much desire that I should find that ye had humbled yourselves before God, and that ye had continued in the supplicating of his grace, that I should find that ye were blameless before him, that I should find that ye were not in the awful dilemma that our brethren were in at Zarahemla. 7.3
 But blessed be the name of God, that he hath given me to know, yea, hath given unto me the exceedingly great joy of knowing that they are established again in the way of his righteousness. 7.4
And I trust, according to the Spirit of God which is in me, that I shall also have joy over you; nevertheless I do not desire that my joy over you should come by the cause of so much afflictions and sorrow which I have had for the brethren at Zarahemla, for behold, my joy cometh over them after wading through much affliction and sorrow. 7.5
But behold, I trust that ye are not in a state of so much unbelief as were your brethren; I trust that ye are not lifted up in the pride of your hearts; yea, I trust that ye have not set your hearts upon riches and the vain things of the world; yea, I trust that you do not worship idols, but that ye do worship the true and living God, and that ye look forward for the remission of your sins, with an everlasting faith, which is to come. 7.6
Then things get interesting! Alma predicts the coming of Jesus:
For behold, I say unto you there be many things to come; and behold, there is one thing which is of more importance than they all -- for behold, the time is not far distant that the Redeemer liveth and cometh among his people. 7.7
But behold, the Spirit hath said this much unto me, saying: Cry unto this people, saying -- Repent ye, and prepare the way of the Lord, and walk in his paths, which are straight; for behold, the kingdom of heaven is at hand, and the Son of God cometh upon the face of the earth. 7.9
He goes into detail, explaining how Jesus will be born to Mary, in Jerusalem-- how it's going to be a virgin birth, and how Jesus will be the son of God.
And behold, he shall be born of Mary, at Jerusalem which is the land of our forefathers, she being a virgin, a precious and chosen vessel, who shall be overshadowed and conceive by the power of the Holy Ghost, and bring forth a son, yea, even the Son of God. 7.10
He predicts Jesus' death, and how he will sacrifice himself so that people can live forever in heaven. But only if they repent. Alma knew all this stuff beforehand. He was a pretty cool dude.
And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. 7.11
And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. 7.12
Alma tells the Gideonites that they need to repent in order to live forever. And they better do it soon, too, because Jesus was coming quickly. But overall, they were doing a pretty good job (especially compared to the Zarahemlites).
Now I say unto you that ye must repent, and be born again; for the Spirit saith if ye are not born again ye cannot inherit the kingdom of heaven; therefore come and be baptized unto repentance, that ye may be washed from your sins, that ye may have faith on the Lamb of God, who taketh away the sins of the world, who is mighty to save and to cleanse from all unrighteousness. 7.14
And now my beloved brethren, do you believe these things? Behold, I say unto you, yea, I know that ye believe them; and the way that I know that ye believe them is by the manifestation of the Spirit which is in me. And now because your faith is strong concerning that, yea, concerning the things which I have spoken, great is my joy. 7.17
For as I said unto you from the beginning, that I had much desire that ye were not in the state of dilemma like your brethren, even so I have found that my desires have been gratified. 7.18
For I perceive that ye are in the paths of righteousness; I perceive that ye are in the path which leads to the kingdom of God; yea, I perceive that ye are making his paths straight. 7.19
Then he gives some holy directions. How do you get to heaven? Walk straight, not crooked. Don't walk to the right or the left, and go in a big circle.
I perceive that it has been made known unto you, by the testimony of his word, that he cannot walk in crooked paths; neither doth he vary from that which he hath said; neither hath he a shadow of turning from the right to the left, or from that which is right to that which is wrong; therefore, his course is one eternal round. 7.20
That's about everything of interest in this chapter. Alma finishes up his speech with the usual stuff: be good, be thankful to God, don't wear fancy clothes, and have faith.
And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive. 7.23
And see that ye have faith, hope, and charity, and then ye will always abound in good works. 7.24
Posted by Philip Wells at 2/17/2014 04:16:00 PM 0 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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15 February 2014Alma 6: Alma Goes to the City of Gideon (in the Valley of Gideon, There Having a City Built, Named for Gideon, Who Was Slain By the Hand of Nehor With the Sword)
After Alma finished his speech, he reorganized the church a little bit. He ordained priests and elders, and allowed church membership to anyone who wasn't yet in the church, so long as they repented of their sins and were baptized.
And now it came to pass that after Alma had made an end of speaking unto the people of the church, which was established in the city of Zarahemla, he ordained priests and elders, by laying on his hands according to the order of God, to preside and watch over the church. 6.1
And it came to pass that whosoever did not belong to the church who repented of their sins were baptized unto repentance, and were received into the church. 6.2
But he also kicked out church members who didn't repent of their sins (especially the prideful ones!).
And it also came to pass that whosoever did belong to the church that did not repent of their wickedness and humble themselves before God -- I mean those who were lifted up in the pride of their hearts -- the same were rejected, and their names were blotted out, that their names were not numbered among those of the righteous. 6.3
Alma told everyone to be good, and pray often, because he was leaving to go preach somewhere else. He was heading over to the newly built city of Gideon. (It was named after the Gideon guy who was killed by Nehor. The Book of Mormon explains it succinctly in verse 7).
Nevertheless the children of God were commanded that they should gather themselves together oft, and join in fasting and mighty prayer in behalf of the welfare of the souls of those who knew not God. 6.6
And now it came to pass that when Alma had made these regulations he departed from them, yea, from the church which was in the city of Zarahemla, and went over upon the east of the river Sidon, into the valley of Gideon, there having been a city built, which was called the city of Gideon, which was in the valley that was called Gideon, being called after the man who was slain by the hand of Nehor with the sword. 6.7
So Alma went and preached in Gideon.
And Alma went and began to declare the word of God unto the church which was established in the valley of Gideon, according to the revelation of the truth of the word which had been spoken by his fathers, and according to the spirit of prophecy which was in him, according to the testimony of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who should come to redeem his people from their sins, and the holy order by which he was called. And thus it is written. Amen. 6.8

Posted by Philip Wells at 2/15/2014 12:27:00 PM 0 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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13 February 2014Alma 5: Repent! (Or ye shall be cast into the fire)
Now that Alma is a full-time preacher, he had time to give the long speeches that he had always wanted to give, but never had the time for. He went all over Zarahemla, and throughout all the land, and spoke to the people.
He reminded them of all of the things that God had done for them, and how ungrateful they were.
Now it came to pass that Alma began to deliver the word of God unto the people, first in the land of Zarahemla, and from thence throughout all the land. 5.1
And behold, I say unto you, they were delivered out of the hands of the people of king Noah, by the mercy and power of God. 5.4
And behold, after that, they were brought into bondage by the hands of the Lamanites in the wilderness; yea, I say unto you, they were in captivity, and again the Lord did deliver them out of bondage by the power of his word; and we were brought into this land, and here we began to establish the church of God throughout this land also. 5.5
And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, you that belong to this church, have you sufficiently retained in remembrance the captivity of your fathers? Yea, and have you sufficiently retained in remembrance his mercy and long-suffering towards them? And moreover, have ye sufficiently retained in remembrance that he has delivered their souls from hell? 5.6
(Much more of the same:) 5.7-21
He really tries to make them feel guilty. My favorite line is:
And now I ask of you, my brethren, how will any of you feel, if ye shall stand before the bar of God, having your garments stained with blood and all manner of filthiness? Behold, what will these things testify against you? 5.22
I would think that Jesus would be proud of their bloody clothes, since his own robes were dipped in blood. But you never know.
There's not much else of note in this speech. In verses 52 and 56, there is a nice description of Hell:
And again I say unto you, the Spirit saith: Behold, the ax is laid at the root of the tree; therefore every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit shall be hewn down and cast into the fire*, yea, a fire which cannot be consumed, even an unquenchable fire. Behold, and remember, the Holy One hath spoken it. 5.52
And finally, all ye that will persist in your wickedness, I say unto you that these are they who shall be hewn down and cast into the fire except they speedily repent. 5.56
A lot of this chapter is "borrowed" from the gospels of Matthew and John--which is interesting, because this is taking place before they were written. God works in mysterious ways. But other than that, there isn't much going on this chapter. God is great, you are wicked, repent, repeat. If you want to read Alma's preaching in it's entirety, you can do so here. I already did, and I wouldn't recommend it :)
*And now also the ax is laid untothe root of the trees: therefore every tree which bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Matthew 3:10


Posted by Philip Wells at 2/13/2014 02:21:00 PM 0 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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12 February 2014Alma 4: Alma Appoints Nephihah
The Nephites began to enjoy peace in the sixth year of the reign of the Judges. They were still recovering from the nasty war, in which so many of their people had died and much of their economy was destroyed (flocks, herds, fields of grain, etc.)
Now it came to pass in the sixth year of the reign of the judges over the people of Nephi, there were no contentions nor wars in the land of Zarahemla; 4.1
But the people were afflicted, yea, greatly afflicted for the loss of their brethren, and also for the loss of their flocks and herds, and also for the loss of their fields of grain, which were trodden under foot and destroyed by the Lamanites. 4.2
Everyone decided that God must have sent the destruction upon them because of their bad behavior. It made sense--he was always doing stuff like that. For a while everyone was on their best behavior. Many new church members were added during this time, and it was a time of peace and prosperity.
And so great were their afflictions that every soul had cause to mourn; and they believed that it was the judgments of God sent upon them because of their wickedness and their abominations; therefore they were awakened to a remembrance of their duty. 4.3
And it came to pass in the seventh year of the reign of the judges there were about three thousand five hundred souls that united themselves to the church of God and were baptized. And thus endeth the seventh year of the reign of the judges over the people of Nephi; and there was continual peace in all that time. 4.5
But, one short year later, the people became proud. You see, everyone managed to get REALLY rich in the three years since the war. They had abundance of fine-twilled linen, and silks, and silver, and gold, and flocks... They had all manner of precious things.
And as if being proud wasn't bad enough, they started wearing costly apparel.
And it came to pass in the eighth year of the reign of the judges, that the people of the church began to wax proud, because of their exceeding riches, and their fine silks, and their fine-twined linen, and because of their many flocks and herds, and their gold and their silver, and all manner of precious things, which they had obtained by their industry; and in all these things were they lifted up in the pride of their eyes, for they began to wear very costly apparel. 4.6
All of the usual things follow: Some of the people resist the urge to be proud and wear fancy clothes, and they took care of the needy and continued to be good people.
Now this was the cause of much affliction to Alma, yea, and to many of the people whom Alma had consecrated to be teachers, and priests, and elders over the church; yea, many of them were sorely grieved for the wickedness which they saw had begun to be among their people. 4.7
For they saw and beheld with great sorrow that the people of the church began to be lifted up in the pride of their eyes, and to set their hearts upon riches and upon the vain things of the world, that they began to be scornful, one towards another, and they began to persecute those that did not believe according to their own will and pleasure. 4.8
The whole situation was getting so bad that the church members were actually becoming more wicked than the nonbelievers. That doesn't happen too often!
And thus, in this eighth year of the reign of the judges, there began to be great contentions among the people of the church; yea, there were envyings, and strife, and malice, and persecutions, and pride, even to exceed the pride of those who did not belong to the church of God. 4.9
And thus ended the eighth year of the reign of the judges; and the wickedness of the church was a great stumbling-block to those who did not belong to the church; and thus the church began to fail in its progress. 4.11
Alma decided to appoint someone else as Chief Judge, so he could focus all of his energy on preaching. He selected a wise elder of the church named Nehpihah. Alma retained the position of High Priest for himself.
And he selected a wise man who was among the elders of the church, and gave him power according to the voice of the people, that he might have power to enact laws according to the laws which had been given, and to put them in force according to the wickedness and the crimes of the people. 4.16
Now this man's name was Nephihah, and he was appointed chief judge; and he sat in the judgment-seat to judge and to govern the people. 4.17
Now Alma did not grant unto him the office of being high priest over the church, but he retained the office of high priest unto himself; but he delivered the judgment-seat unto Nephihah. 4.18
Will Alma be able to save the people from their pride, wickedness, and fancy clothes? You'll just have to wait to find out.







Posted by Philip Wells at 2/12/2014 03:20:00 PM 2 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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A Darwin quote for Darwin Day
For Darwin Day, I thought I'd (re)post one of my favorite Darwin quotes. Here it is:
I cannot persuade myself that a beneficent & omnipotent God would have designedly created the Ichneumonidae with the express intention of their feeding within the living bodies of caterpillars, or that a cat should play with mice. -- From a letter to Asa Gray, 22 May 1860
The Ichneumonidae is a family of wasps. A very big family. It is, in fact, one of the largest families in the largest class of animals, the insects. There are over 60,000 species of ichneumonid wasps, each one, according to creationists, specially designed by God. My question for them is the same as Charles Darwin's: Why? Why would a beneficent and omnipotent God do such a thing?
To understand the question, it is necessary to know a bit about the ichneumonids. First of all, most are parasitoids, which means that their larvae develop inside the body of a living host, which they slowly eat alive. Eventually, when the wasp larvae pupate, they erupt out of the body of the host that they have gradually consumed, tormented, and destroyed as larvae.
It is easy to see how such a thing could exist from an evolutionary standpoint. The body of a caterpillar is good food for larvae. It's not surprising that some organisms have evolved to take advantage of it. But what kind of a God would purposefully design it to be that way?
I have heard five different answers:
God originally made everything good; there was no suffering or death until the fall of Adam. Then all hell broke loose. Animals immediately began to kill and eat each other, and predators, parasites, parasitoids, and pathogens roamed the earth. (Creation Ministries)
God made things nasty right from the start just to show us how important we are to him. He knew that Adam would sin, so he made nature cruel to show us the serious nature of sin. (Dembski's Defective Design Inference)
God made everything good and then Satan messed everything up. (Gregory Boyd's Cosmic Warfare Theodicy)
God likes it just fine the way it is. He created it that way for is own pleasure. He likes to watch things suffer. (David Snoke)
God couldn't help it and had nothing to do with it. He would have liked to create a kind and peaceful world, but he had to let things play out according to the laws of nature, over which he had no control. So the ichneumonid wasps just evolved, along with everything else, over millions of years while God sadly watched from a distance, unable to affect the outcome. (Ken Miller)
For each of these answers, though, I have a question.
How did things change so quickly? Were the 60,000 ichneumonid species specially created by God the moment Adam sinned? Or did God magically turn 60,000 butterfly species into parasitic wasps? Or did they all evolve (super)naturally in a few thousand years?
How do the ichneumonids teach us about sin? Until about the time of Darwin no one (except God) even knew they existed? Yet God created them just for us, just to teach us a lesson?
So Satan created the Ichneumonids? Along with scorpions, spiders, snakes, and sharks? He must have been a busy guy!
How could a kind and loving God create things just to watch them suffer?
A God who can't create or control anything isn't a God at all.
Here are some cool videos about the Ichneumonids.
The first one is from David Attenborough's marvelous "Life in the Undergrowth."


And here's one showing a Ichneumonid wasp (Megarhyssa sp.) drilling through the bark of an oak tree to deposit an egg in the tunnel of the siricid wood wasp, whose larva the Maegarhyssa lava will eat alive from the inside in the traditional Ichneumonid fashion (just like God intended it to be).


Posted by Steve Wells at 2/12/2014 07:30:00 AM 35 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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06 February 2014Alma 3: God Set a Mark Upon Them
The war was over. The Nephites buried their dead quickly, where they died, without even counting them. There were too many to count.
And it came to pass that the Nephites who were not slain by the weapons of war, after having buried those who had been slain -- now the number of the slain were not numbered, because of the greatness of their number -- after they had finished burying their dead they all returned to their lands, and to their houses, and their wives, and their children. 3.1
When the soldiers returned home, things had changed. Many of their wives and children were dead, the crops were trampled, and even some of their flocks were killed.
Now many women and children had been slain with the sword, and also many of their flocks and their herds; and also many of their fields of grain were destroyed, for they were trodden down by the hosts of men. 3.2
But that's enough about the Nephites for now. Let's talk about the Amlicites and Lamanites a bit more. How do you know one when you see one? That's easy: the Amlicites put a mark on their heads, and they don't shave their heads. Lamanites shave their heads, and don't wear any clothes besides leather loincloths and armor.
And the Amlicites were distinguished from the Nephites, for they had marked themselves with red in their foreheads after the manner of the Lamanites; nevertheless they had not shorn their heads like unto the Lamanites. 3.4
Now the heads of the Lamanites were shorn; and they were naked, save it were skin which was girded about their loins, and also their armor, which was girded about them, and their bows, and their arrows, and their stones, and their slings, and so forth. 3.5
Lamanites also have dark skin. God cursed them and turned them dark because their ancestors (Laman and Lemuel) rebelled against their brothers: Nephi, Jacob, Joseph and Sam.
And the skins of the Lamanites were dark, according to the mark which was set upon their fathers, which was a curse upon them because of their transgression and their rebellion against their brethren, who consisted of Nephi, Jacob, and Joseph, and Sam, who were just and holy men. 3.6
And their brethren sought to destroy them, therefore they were cursed; and the Lord God set a mark upon them, yea, upon Laman and Lemuel, and also the sons of Ishmael, and Ishmaelitish women. 3.7
The mark is also intended to keep the Nephites from "mixing" with the Lamanites.
And this was done that their seed might be distinguished from the seed of their brethren, that thereby the Lord God might preserve his people, that they might not mix and believe in incorrect traditions which would prove their destruction. 3.8
God will mark any children resulting from Nephite/Lamanite sex. He will also mark anyone who is otherwise "Led away" by the Lamanites.
 And it came to pass that whosoever did mingle his seed with that of the Lamanites did bring the same curse upon his seed. 3.9
Therefore, whosoever suffered himself to be led away by the Lamanites was called under that head, and there was a mark set upon him. 3.10
All of these things are reiterated many times. I'm guessing this will be on the test.
Now we will return again to the Amlicites, for they also had a mark set upon them; yea, they set the mark upon themselves, yea, even a mark of red upon their foreheads. 3.13
Thus the word of God is fulfilled, for these are the words which he said to Nephi: Behold, the Lamanites have I cursed, and I will set a mark on them that they and their seed may be separated from thee and thy seed, from this time henceforth and forever, except they repent of their wickedness and turn to me that I may have mercy upon them. 3.14
 And again: I will set a mark upon him that mingleth his seed with thy brethren, that they may be cursed also. 3.15
 And again, I say he that departeth from thee shall no more be called thy seed; and I will bless thee, and whomsoever shall be called thy seed, henceforth and forever; and these were the promises of the Lord unto Nephi and to his seed. 3.17
Are there any questions? Good. Okay, back to the story.
A few days after their big defeat, the Lamanites decide they want to try again. They send another army to the same battlefield that the Amlicites first fought in, and are quickly defeated again. Shucks!
Now it came to pass that not many days after the battle which was fought in the land of Zarahemla, by the Lamanites and the Amlicites, that there was another army of the Lamanites came in upon the people of Nephi, in the same place where the first army met the Amlicites. 3.20
But he sent up a numerous army against them; and they went up and slew many of the Lamanites, and drove the remainder of them out of the borders of their land. 3.23
So there was peace in the land again. For "a time".
And then they returned again and began to establish peace in the land, being troubled no more for a time with their enemies. 3.24
Probably until the next chapter.






Posted by Philip Wells at 2/06/2014 03:47:00 PM 0 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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03 February 2014Apparently God has changed his mind about the Seahawks
I guess it shouldn't surprise us anymore. God has changed his mind about lots of things.
In the 19th century, he changed his mind about slavery; in the 20th century, he changed his mind about women's rights; in the 21st century, he seems to be changing his mind (or perhaps "evolving") on the topic of homosexuality. And now, in 2014, he has changed his mind about the Seahawks.
It's hard to make predictions with such a changeable god.
As I pointed out in my failed Super Bowl prophecy, God hates the Seahawks. Or at least he did when he said these words:
And these are they which ye shall have in abomination among the fowls ... they are an abomination: the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the ospray. Leviticus 11:13. ("Ospray" in the KJV refers to the osprey or "Sea Hawk.")
And yet the Seahawks won the Super Bowl 43:8.
How could this happen?
The answer lies (somehow) in Isaiah 43:8.
Bring forth the blind people that have eyes, and the deaf that have ears.
Sometimes you have to look at a verse just right, while cocking your head just so, until it's meaning becomes clear. And when you do that with this verse while applying it to yesterday's Super Bowl Game, you get Seahawks 43, Broncos 8 (with the chapter and verse number corresponding to the score, and the book to Isaiah Kacyvenski, a former linebacker for the Seattle Seahawks).
For as Jesus supposedly said to someone, "Blessed are your eyes, for they see: and your ears, for they hear."
Or something like that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9 Feb 14 update: As Roland points out in the comments, the Seahawks have a deaf fullback on their team named Derek Coleman, which perfectly completes this amazing post-hoc Bible prophecy. The Bible predicted the exact score of this year's Super Bowl! It just goes to show that the Bible never fails to predict every event. You just have to have the proper faith and look hard enough after the event occurs for the hidden message buried beneath the much more obvious absurdities and contradictions.
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/03/2014 05:42:00 PM 8 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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01 February 2014Biblical Super Bowl Prophecy: Broncos 21, Seahawks 17
There's an interesting Christian Post article entitled Fifteen Bible Verses that suggest the Denver Broncos will win the Super Bowl.
And the article is right about that: the Bible predicts that the Broncos will win. But does it also predict the score? I think it does, and here's how.
The outcome of the game is fairly obvious, since the Bible tells us how God feels about broncos and seahawks. And on that there is simply no contest. God hates seahawks and loves broncos.
How do we know that God hates seahawks? Well "seahawk" is one of the nicknames for the osprey (Pandion haliaetus). And here's what God said about the osprey ("ospray" in the King James Version):
And these are they which ye shall have in abomination among the fowls ... they are an abomination: the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the ospray. Leviticus 11:13.
Okay, but how about broncos? Well, the Bible doesn't use the word "bronco" but it does talk about horses. And in the Bible, God seems to like them. Here's what he says about them in the Book of Job.
Hast thou given the horse strength? hast thou clothed his neck with thunder? Canst thou make him afraid as a grasshopper? the glory of his nostrils is terrible ... He mocketh at fear, and is not affrighted. Job 39:18-22
So the Bible says that broncos are strong, brave, glorious, and fearless; ospreys are abominations. So it seems there's really no need to play tomorrow's game. The Broncos will win, if God has anything to say about it. (And God has something to say about every football game.)
Okay, so the Bible predicts a Bronco win. But by how much?
Well, that's easy. We just count up the number of verses that favor each team.
Here are the verses that favor the Seahawks.
Dan [Tony McDaniel] shall be a serpent ... that biteth the horse heels. Genesis 49:17
When thou goest out to battle ... and seest horses ... be not afraid of them. Deuteronomy 20:1
Be not afraid because of them ... thou shalt hough their horses. Joshua 11:6, 9
They arose and fled in the twilight, and left ... their horses ... and fled for their life. 2 Kings 7:7
Be ye not as the horse, or as the mule, which have no understanding: whose mouth must be held in with bit and bridle. Psalm 32:9
An horse is a vain thing for safety: neither shall he deliver any by his great strength. Psalm 33:17
(Is this verse referring to Rahim Moore, the Bronco's safety?)
He delighteth not in the strength of the horse: he taketh not pleasure in the legs of a man. Psalm 147:10
A whip for the horse. Proverbs 26:3
[The Broncos will get whipped?]
Their horses ... shall become as women. Jeremiah 50:37
They are cruel, and will not shew mercy: their voice shall roar like the sea, and they shall ride upon horses. Jeremiah 6:23, 50:42
[The roaring sea-like voice refers to Seattle's 12th man, and the Seahawks will ride the Broncos as though they were horses.]
With thee will I break in pieces the horse. Jeremiah 51:21
I ... have taken away your horses; and I have made the stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils. Amos 4:10
Shall horses run upon the rock? Amos 6:12
[An obvious reference to Bobby Wagner, the rock of the Seahawks' defense.]
And it shall come to pass in that day, saith the LORD, that I will cut off thy horses. Micah 5:10
[When the Broncos come to pass, the Legion of Boom will cut it off.]
In that day, saith the LORD, I will smite every horse with astonishment ... and will smite every horse .. with blindness. Zechariah 12:4
And he answered, saying, My name is Legion [of Boom]: for we are many. Mark 5:9, Luke 8:30
These ... shall give their power and strength unto the beast. Revelation 17:13
And here are the verses that favor the Broncos.
Behold, there appeared ... horses of fire. 2 Kings 2:11
The LORD had made ... a noise of horses, even the noise of a great host. 2 Kings 7:6
The horse is prepared against the day of battle. Proverbs 21:31
Their horses' hoofs shall be counted like flint. Isaiah 5:28
That led them ... as an horse in the wilderness, that they should not stumble. Isaiah 63:13
His horses are swifter than eagles [or Seahawks]. Woe unto us! for we are spoiled. Jeremiah 4:13
The snorting of his horses was heard ... the whole land trembled at the sound of the neighing of his strong ones. Jeremiah 8:16
How canst thou contend with horses? Jeremiah 12:5
Harness the horses ... and stand forth with your helmets. Jeremiah 46:4
Come up, ye horses; and rage ... let the mighty men come forth. Jeremiah 46:9
At the noise of the stamping of the hoofs of his strong horses.... Jeremiah 47:3
The horses to come up as the rough caterpillars. Jeremiah 51:27
No ... foot of beast shall pass through it. Ezekiel 29:11
[The Bronco defense will stop the Beast (Marshawn Lynch).]
Their horses also are swifter than the leopards, and are more fierce than the evening wolves. Habakkuk 1:8
Thou didst walk through the sea[hawks] with thine horses. Habakkuk 3:15
The LORD of hosts ... hath made them as his goodly horse in the battle. Zechariah 10:3
And I saw, and behold a white horse ... and he went forth conquering, and to conquer. Revelation 6:2
The heads of the horses were as the heads of lions; and out of their mouths issued fire and smoke and brimstone. Revelation 9:17
And I saw ... them that had gotten the victory over the beast. Revelation 15:2
[The Broncos will get victory over the beast (Marshawn Lynch) and the Seahawks.]
And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse. Revelation 19:1
The armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses. Revelation 19:14
So the final score will be: Broncos 21, Seahawks 17.
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/01/2014 03:55:00 PM 5 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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 21 March 2014Bill Maher: Holy Ship (and Drunk With Blood)
In case you missed it last week, here it is again for you.


And here's a tweet that Bill Maher sent today.













Thanks Bill!
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/21/2014 09:57:00 PM 5 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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11 March 2014According the the Book of Mormon, Jesus is his own father
Joseph Smith was a bit confused about the relationship between Jesus and his father.
He saw the two of them together in his very first vision. Here's how he described it:
I retired to a secret place in a grove and began to call upon the Lord, while fervently engaged in supplication my mind was taken away from the objects with which I was surrounded, and I was enwrapped in a heavenly vision and saw two glorious personages who exactly resembled each other in features, and likeness, surrounded with a brilliant light which eclipsed the sun at noon-day. (Times and Seasons, Volume 3, pp.706-7)
And although in this account, the identical-looking "glorious personages" were not identified by name, he named them in another account.
I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him! (Joseph Smith-History, 1:17)
Here's a picture that someone took of the event.


(I'm not sure, but I think Jesus is on the left and his dad is on right, since the guy on the right seems to be pointing at the other guy. But you should ask a Mormon, just to be sure.)
So Jesus and his father are, or at least look like, identical twins.
Or maybe they they are the same person. That's why they appear identical, just like the Book of Mormon repeatedly and clearly states.
Here are the verses that I've found so far that say that Jesus is his own father, but let me know if I missed any.
He shall be called Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Father of heaven and earth. Mosiah 3:8
He shall be called the Son of God ... being the Father and the Son -- The Father, because he was conceived by the power of God; and the Son, because of the flesh; thus becoming the Father and Son And they are one God, yea, the very Eternal Father of heaven and of earth. Mosiah 15:2-4
Is the Son of God the very Eternal Father? Yea, he is the very Eternal Father. Alma 11:38-39
Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Father of heaven and of earth. Helaman 14:12
He be the Son of God, the Father of heaven and of earth. Helaman 16:18
Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and the Son. Ether 3:14
He that will not believe me will not believe the Father who sent me. For behold, I am the Father. Ether 4:12
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/11/2014 10:24:00 AM 11 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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09 March 2014Alma 11: How much is a Senine of gold worth?
The Law of Mosiah established a basic legal system to deal with disputes (mostly financial disputes from the sound of it). A plaintiff could bring a case to the Judges, and then the accused person would be brought to the courtroom for a trial. Pretty basic stuff.
Now if a man owed another, and he would not pay that which he did owe, he was complained of to the judge; and the judge executed authority, and sent forth officers that the man should be brought before him; and he judged the man according to the law and the evidences which were brought against him, and thus the man was compelled to pay that which he owed, or be stripped, or be cast out from among the people as a thief and a robber. 11.2
More importantly, though, was how the Judges were compensated. They were paid one "Senine"of gold per day that they spent in court trying cases.
Now it was in the law of Mosiah that every man who was a judge of the law, or those who were appointed to be judges, should receive wages according to the time which they labored to judge those who were brought before them to be judged. 11.1
And the judge received for his wages according to his time -- a senine of gold for a day, or a senum of silver, which is equal to a senine of gold; and this is according to the law which was given. 11.3
You might be asking yourself: "Is that a fair amount? How much is a senine, really?" Good question. Luckily Joseph Smith has an answer for us.
A Senine of gold = a Senum of silver = A measure of barley (or any other grain)
A seon of gold = 2 senines of gold
A shum of gold = 2 seons of gold
A limnah of gold = the value of them all*
*Most people interpret this as a limnah being worth 1 senine + 1 seon + one shum, or 7 senines.
11.5-11.10
(Also, it's worth noting that a person could become rich very quickly speculating on the Nephite commodities market, since all crop prices were pegged to their coinage.)
And for silver they had names, too!
An amnor of silver = 2 senums
An ezrom of silver = 2 ammors
An Onti of silver = the value of them all.
And for smaller amounts they had awesome, made-up sounding names, too:
A shiblon of silver = 1/2 senum
A shiblum of silver = 1/2 shiblom
A leah of silver = 1/2 shiblum
Also, just in case we needed a unit for gold that was equal to 1.5 senines, they invented the antion of gold, which was worth 3 shibloms of silver (1.5 senums, which are equal to 1.5 senines of gold). I wish we had a 1.5 dollar bill!
Okay, good. So how much were the Judges paid, and was it a fair amount?
For an honest day's work, a Judge could be paid:
A.) 1 senine of gold
B.) 1 senum of silver
C.) 1 measure of barley
D.) 1 measure of any other grain
E.) 1/2 amnor of silver
F.) 1/4 ezrom of silver
G.) 1/7 onti of silver
H.) 2 shiblons of silver
I.) 4 shiblums of silver
J.) 8 leahs of silver
K.) 2/3 antion of gold
L.) 1/2 seon of gold
M.) 1/4 shum of gold
N.) 1/7 leah of gold
So they had plenty of options. But we still don't really have a good idea of how much these coins were worth, unless we figure out how much a "measure of barley" is. Some people have claimed that a "measure" is as much as 6 bushels. If so, then a Judge was being paid quite well for his day of work.
I suppose they could also have paid the judges with change, like 1/8 ezrom of silver and a half measure of barley, but that would have been rude with all of the other options. (None of these coins have ever been found, by the way.)
But on with the story.
You see, the judges were greedy people, and they convinced the people to file frivolous lawsuits, because they wanted more work.
Now, it was for the sole purpose to get gain, because they received their wages according to their employ, therefore, they did stir up the people to riotings, and all manner of disturbances and wickedness, that they might have more employ, that they might get money according to the suits which were brought before them; therefore they did stir up the people against Alma and Amulek. 11.20
Remember Zeezrom from the last chapter? He was the clever lawyer that was out to get Alma and Amulek. Zeezrom asked Amulek if he could ask him a few questions. Amulek agreed, and Zeezrom tried to bribe him to deny the existence of God. He offered him six onties of silver!
And this Zeezrom began to question Amulek, saying: Will ye answer me a few questions which I shall ask you? Now Zeezrom was a man who was expert in the devices of the devil, that he might destroy that which was good; therefore, he said unto Amulek: Will ye answer the questions which I shall put unto you? 11.21
And Amulek said unto him: Yea, if it be according to the Spirit of the Lord, which is in me; for I shall say nothing which is contrary to the Spirit of the Lord. And Zeezrom said unto him: Behold, here are six onties of silver, and all these will I give thee if thou wilt deny the existence of a Supreme Being. 11.22
Amulek didn't take him up on his kind offer. Zeezrom continued to question Amulek about God, and he continued to answer him. Then he explained how everyone is going to resurrected to be judged by God.
Now Amulek said: O thou child of hell, why tempt ye me? Knowest thou that the righteous yieldeth to no such temptations? 11.23
And Zeezrom said unto him: Thou sayest there is a true and living God? 11.26
And Amulek said: Yea, there is a true and living God. 11.27
Now Zeezrom said unto him again: How knowest thou these things? 11.30
And he said: An angel hath made them known unto me. 11.31
And Zeezrom said again: Shall he save his people in their sins? And Amulek answered and said unto him: I say unto you he shall not, for it is impossible for him to deny his word. 11.34
Now Zeezrom saith again unto him: Is the Son of God the very Eternal Father? 11.38
And Amulek said unto him: Yea, he is the very Eternal Father of heaven and of earth, and all things which in them are; he is the beginning and the end, the first and the last; 11.39
After this little speech, everyone was astonished, and Zeezrom trembled. And that's the end of the chapter, or at least all that he bothered to write down.
Now, when Amulek had finished these words the people began again to be astonished, and also Zeezrom began to tremble. And thus ended the words of Amulek, or this is all that I have written. 11.46
Posted by Philip Wells at 3/09/2014 03:24:00 PM 4 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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05 March 2014With the Bird Bible, your family will never be bored with scripture again!
Not too long ago, I added a boring category to the Skeptic's Annotated Bible to mark the Bible's more boring sections. One of them was the 40th chapter of the book of Exodus, which includes these exciting and inspiring verses:
And it came to pass in the first month in the second year, on the first day of the month, that the tabernacle was reared up. And Moses reared up the tabernacle, and fastened his sockets, and set up the boards thereof, and put in the bars thereof, and reared up his pillars. Exodus 40:17-18
But now there's a new Bible that fills even the Bible's most boring passages with the excitement that you always wished was there. It's called "The Bird Bible."
Here's an ad for it:
I can't wait until I see how the Bird Bible handles the first nine chapters of First Chronicles!
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/05/2014 12:26:00 PM 2 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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01 March 2014Yes Elder Price, the Mormon church still believes that you'll get your own planet
"I believe that God has a plan for all of us. I believe that plan involves me getting my own planet."
This is a quote from Elder Price in the "Book of Mormon" musical.
If you haven't heard the song that this quote it is taken from ("I Believe"), you should. It's a good and fair summary of Mormon belief.

Of course, it's also very funny, as are most Mormon beliefs.
But the LDS church isn't laughing; it's trying to find a way to tell non-Mormons that it doesn't teach the things that Elder Price believes, yet do it in a way that won't upset Elder Price and other Mormon believers too much. That's a difficult task, but judging from the news articles that reported on the LDS church's latest attempt, they've managed to pull it off.
[See for example ABC News: No, People Don't Get Own Planets in Afterlife Like in 'Book of Mormon', HuffingtonPost: Mormon Church Dispels Planet Afterlife Misconception Fostered By 'Book Of Mormon' Broadway Show, and The Wire: Mormons Don't Technically Get a Planet Once They Die, Say Mormons]
The article (Becoming LIke a God) on the official LDS website uses 3500 words to carefully dance around the topic it is trying hard to avoid -- which is, of course, Elder Price's belief that he will one day get his very own planet.
This is as close as it gets to addressing the topic:
Latter-day Saints’ doctrine of exaltation is often similarly reduced in media to a cartoonish image of people receiving their own planets.
Notice that the quote doesn't deny that the LDS doctrine of exaltation implies that people will receive their own planets. It just says that this belief has been made into a cartoonish idea in the media. And it has. Here, for example, is a cartoon that fully explains the LDS doctrine of exaltation.

And while I can't verify that all of the beliefs mentioned in the above cartoon are taught by the LDS church, I can verify that it still teaches Elder Price's planetary belief. (Or it did 15 years ago, anyway.)
And how do I know this? Well, in 1999 my wife attended a (for credit) LDS Seminary class at Idaho State University in 1999 call "Achieving a Celestial Marriage." It used a student manual with the same title, from which the below quotes were taken.
p.129
GOD WAS ONCE A MORTAL MAN
(1-2) He lived on an Earth like Our Own
"God himself was once as we are now, and is an exalted man, and sits enthroned in yonder heavens! That is the great secret. ..." (Smith, Teachings, p. 345.)
GOD IS NOW AN EXALTED MAN WITH POWERS OF ETERNAL INCREASE
(1-4) Our Father in Heaven Lives in an Exalted Marriage Relationship
p.132
(1-9) Celestial Marriage Makes It Possible for Us to Claim Or Mortal Children in Eternity As Well As to Propagate Ourselves Throughout Eternity
"[A]ll who attain to this glory will have the blessing of the continuation of the 'seeds' forever. ... [T]hey will have a posterity that will be as innumerable as the stars of heaven.
To become like him we must have all the powers of godhood; thus a man and his wife when glorified will have spirit children who eventually will go on an earth like this one.... We will become gods and have jurisdiction over worlds, and these worlds will be peopled by our own offspring. ..." (Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, 2:43-44, 48.) [My emphasis.]
(1-20) SUMMARY
As shown in this chapter, our Father in heaven was once a man as we are now ... he and our mother in heaven were empowered to give birth to spirit children.... We are those spirit children.
So don't worry, Elder Price. The LDS church still believes that you'll get that planet. (They just don't want to talk about it in front of the Gentiles.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/01/2014 03:47:00 PM 2 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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 23 April 2014Alma 15: The Healing of Zeezrom
In the last chapter, Alma and Amulek used the power of God to escape from prison in Ammonihah. The walls of the prison split open and fell on their enemies, killing them instantly.

Right after they busted out of the joint, though, they were commanded to go to the city of Sidon. The Book of Mormon doesn't specify who commanded them, but it must have been God because everyone else in the city was either already dead or shaking with fear.
When they arrived in Sidon, they found their followers who had been thrown out of the city.
And it came to pass that Alma and Amulek were commanded to depart out of that city; and they departed, and came out even into the land of Sidom; and behold, there they found all the people who had departed out of the land of Ammonihah, who had been cast out and stoned, because they believed in the words of Alma. 15.1
They explained what had happened to their wives and children (they had been burned to death). They also told them about their daring escape. I'm sure that even in their moment of grief, they were pretty impressed with the prison break story.
And they related unto them all that had happened unto their wives and children, and also concerning themselves, and of their power of deliverance. 15.2
 As it turns out, Zeezrom was in Sidon, too. He was sick with a fever that was caused by guilt. He thought that Alma and Amulek were dead, and he blamed himself for their death. When he saw them come into town, he sent a message calling for them to come see him.
And also Zeezrom lay sick at Sidom, with a burning fever, which was caused by the great tribulations of his mind on account of his wickedness, for he supposed that Alma and Amulek were no more; and he supposed that they had been slain because of his iniquity. And this great sin, and his many other sins, did harrow up his mind until it did become exceedingly sore, having no deliverance; therefore he began to be scorched with a burning heat. 15.3
Now, when he heard that Alma and Amulek were in the land of Sidom, his heart began to take courage; and he sent a message immediately unto them, desiring them to come unto him. 15.4
When Alma and Amulek arrived at Zeezrom's bed, they saw he was in pretty bad shape. He asked them to heal him, and Alma asked him if he believed in Christ's power of salvation.
And it came to pass that they went immediately, obeying the message which he had sent unto them; and they went in unto the house unto Zeezrom; and they found him upon his bed, sick, being very low with a burning fever; and his mind also was exceedingly sore because of his iniquities; and when he saw them he stretched forth his hand, and besought them that they would heal him. 15.5
And it came to pass that Alma said unto him, taking him by the hand: Believest thou in the power of Christ unto salvation? 15.6
Zeezrom answered: "Yup! I believe everything you taught me."
And he answered and said: Yea, I believe all the words that thou hast taught.  15.7
But that didn't quite do it for Alma. He wanted to make sure, so he asked him again.
And Alma said: If thou believest in the redemption of Christ thou canst be healed. 15.8
Zeezrom probably would have agreed to anything at this point. He answers, again, "Yup! I believe."
And he said: Yea, I believe according to thy words. 15.9
Alma asks God to heal him "According to his faith". Apparently Zeezrom's faith passes the test, because he instantly leaps out of his bed. Glory! Alma then baptizes Zeezrom, and from then on Zeezrom preached to the people.
 And then Alma cried unto the Lord, saying: O Lord our God, have mercy on this man, and heal him according to his faith which is in Christ. 15.10
And when Alma had said these words, Zeezrom leaped upon his feet, and began to walk; and this was done to the great astonishment of all the people; and the knowledge of this went forth throughout all the land of Sidom. 15.11
And Alma baptized Zeezrom unto the Lord; and he began from that time forth to preach unto the people. 15.12
Alma established a church in Sidon, and baptized everyone there who wanted to be baptized. Nobody in Ammonihah wanted to be baptized, because they were all still wicked sinners.
And Alma established a church in the land of Sidom, and consecrated priests and teachers in the land, to baptize unto the Lord whosoever were desirous to be baptized. 15.13
And it came to pass that they were many; for they did flock in from all the region round about Sidom, and were baptized. 15.14
But as to the people that were in the land of Ammonihah, they yet remained a hard-hearted and a stiffnecked people; and they repented not of their sins, ascribing all the power of Alma and Amulek to the devil; for they were of the profession of Nehor, and did not believe in the repentance of their sins. 15.15
Amulek had left all of his gold and silver, his house, and his father in Ammonihah. Alma wanted to help him start a new life, so he took him back to his home in Zarahemla. First, though, he made sure that the church was off to a good start, and that the people weren't going to become wicked again. He made sure they were praying enough, and that they were humble... and then Alma and Amulek took off for Zarahemla.
And it came to pass that Alma and Amulek, Amulek having forsaken all his gold, and silver, and his precious things, which were in the land of Ammonihah, for the word of God, he being rejected by those who were once his friends and also by his father and his kindred; 15.16
Therefore, after Alma having established the church at Sidom, seeing a great check, yea, seeing that the people were checked as to the pride of their hearts, and began to humble themselves before God, and began to assemble themselves together at their sanctuaries to worship God before the altar, watching and praying continually, that they might be delivered from Satan, and from death, and from destruction -- 15.17
Now as I said, Alma having seen all these things, therefore he took Amulek and came over to the land of Zarahemla, and took him to his own house, and did administer unto him in his tribulations, and strengthened him in the Lord. 15.18
This all happened in 82 BC (according to the Book of Mormon footnote).
And thus ended the tenth year of the reign of the judges over the people of Nephi. 15.19
Posted by Philip Wells at 4/23/2014 08:40:00 PM 4 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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21 April 2014Alma 14: Alma and Amulek in Prison
After Alma and Amulek had finished speaking, the response of the crowd was mixed. Some of them believed the speech and began to repent, but the majority of them were angry and wanted to kill them.
And it came to pass after he had made an end of speaking unto the people many of them did believe on his words, and began to repent, and to search the scriptures. 14.1
But the more part of them were desirous that they might destroy Alma and Amulek; for they were angry with Alma, because of the plainness of his words unto Zeezrom; and they also said that Amulek had lied unto them, and had reviled against their law and also against their lawyers and judges. 14.2
Instead, the crowd tied them up and brought them before the Chief Judge.
But it came to pass that they did not; but they took them and bound them with strong cords, and took them before the chief judge of the land. 14.4
The people testified against Alma and Amulek, saying that they had made fun of their lawyers, judges, laws and of everyone who lived in their land. The also testified that Alma and Amulek had claimed that there was only one God, and God would send his son among the people, but that his son wouldn't save them.
And the people went forth and witnessed against them -- testifying that they had reviled against the law, and their lawyers and judges of the land, and also of all the people that were in the land; and also testified that there was but one God, and that he should send his Son among the people, but he should not save them; and many such things did the people testify against Alma and Amulek. Now this was done before the chief judge of the land. 14.5
Every man, woman and child who believed Alma and Amulek's words were rounded up and burned. Alma and Amulek were brought to the "place of martyrdom" and made to watch everyone burn to death.
And they brought their wives and children together, and whosoever believed or had been taught to believe in the word of God they caused that they should be cast into the fire, and they also brought forth their records which contained the holy scriptures, and cast them into the fire also, that they might be burned and destroyed by fire. 14.8
And it came to pass that they took Alma and Amulek, and carried them forth to the place of martyrdom, that they might witness the destruction of those who were consumed by fire. 14.9
Then Amulek and Alma had this nice little exchange:

AMULEK
How can we watch this? Let's use the power of God to save them from the flames.


ALMA
No, we shouldn't. God needs solid proof to punish these people, and if we stop it then they can't be punished properly. It's a shame that all of these innocent people have to burn to death, but punishing evil people is more important to God than saving innocent ones.

 AMULEK
Yeah, I guess that makes sense. But they might burn us, too, and I don't want to burn to death.
ALMA
Naah, God won't let us burn. We still have stuff to do for him.

But Alma said unto him: The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory; and he doth suffer that they may do this thing, or that the people may do this thing unto them, according to the hardness of their hearts, that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath may be just; and the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them, yea, and cry mightily against them at the last day. 14.11
Now Amulek said unto Alma: Behold, perhaps they will burn us also. 14.12
And Alma said: Be it according to the will of the Lord. But, behold, our work is not finished; therefore they burn us not. 14.13
After everyone else is burned, the Chief Judge came to talk to Alma and Amulek. After slapping them around a few times, he asked them "Are you still going to keep preaching? Even after your god couldn't save those people? What do you have to say for yourselves?"
Now it came to pass that when the bodies of those who had been cast into the fire were consumed, and also the records which were cast in with them, the chief judge of the land came and stood before Alma and Amulek, as they were bound; and he smote them with his hand upon their cheeks, and said unto them: After what ye have seen, will ye preach again unto this people, that they shall be cast into a lake of fire and brimstone? 14.14
Behold, ye see that ye had not power to save those who had been cast into the fire; neither has God saved them because they were of thy faith. And the judge smote them again upon their cheeks, and asked: What say ye for yourselves? 14.15
They kept their mouths shut. (I usually say "thou sayest" in theses situations). The Chief Judge hit them again, and then threw them in prison.
And it came to pass that Alma and Amulek answered him nothing; and he smote them again, and delivered them to the officers to be cast into prison. 14.17

Alma and Amulek weren't treated very well in prison. The Ammonihahites denied them  food and water, and even made them strip naked. Meanwhile they sent all kinds of lawyers, judges, priests and teachers to question them. They didn't answer any of their questions though.
And when they had been cast into prison three days, there came many lawyers, and judges, and priests, and teachers, who were of the profession of Nehor; and they came in unto the prison to see them, and they questioned them about many words; but they answered them nothing. 14.18
And it came to pass that the judge stood before them, and said: 0Why do ye not answer the words of this people? Know ye not that I have power to deliver you up unto the flames? And he commanded them to speak; but they answered nothing. 14.19
And it came to pass that they departed and went their ways, but came again on the morrow; and the judge also smote them again on their cheeks. And many came forth also, and smote them, saying: Will ye stand again and judge this people, and condemn our law? If ye have such great power why do ye not deliver yourselves? 14.20
And many such things did they say unto them, gnashing their teeth upon them, and spitting upon them, and saying: How shall we look when we are damned? 14.21
And many such things, yea, all manner of such things did they say unto them; and thus they did mock them for many days. And they did withhold food from them that they might hunger, and water that they might thirst; and they also did take from them their clothes that they were naked; and thus they were bound with strong cords, and confined in prison. 14.22
And it came to pass after they had thus suffered for many days, (and it was on the twelfth day, in the tenth month, in the tenth year of the reign of the judges over the people of Nephi) that the chief judge over the land of Ammonihah and many of their teachers and their lawyers went in unto the prison where Alma and Amulek were bound with cords. 14.23
One day, Alma just couldn't take it anymore. The Chief Judge said to him and Amulek (after hitting them again), that if they can use God's power to break the cords on their hands, then he'll believe them. Then everyone else in the Chief Judge's entourage hits them and says the exact same thing.
And the chief judge stood before them, and smote them again, and said unto them: If ye have the power of God deliver yourselves from these bands, and then we will believe that the Lord will destroy this people according to your words. 14.24
And it came to pass that they all went forth and smote them, saying the same words, even until the last; and when the last had spoken unto them the power of God was upon Alma and Amulek, and they rose and stood upon their feet. 14.25
Alma cries out to God, asking him how much longer he has to put up with being smacked in the face all the time. God answers by giving him divine power to break the cords. This really scared everyone there, and they start running out of the prison.
And Alma cried, saying: How long shall we suffer these great afflictions, O Lord? O Lord, give us strength according to our faith which is in Christ, even unto deliverance. And they broke the cords with which they were bound; and when the people saw this, they began to flee, for the fear of destruction had come upon them. 14.26
But they were too scared to run properly, and they fell to the ground.
And it came to pass that so great was their fear that they fell to the earth, and did not obtain the outer door of the prison. 14.27a
Then the ground shook, and the prison was split it two, and everyone who had just slapped Alma and Amulek were crushed by a falling wall.

And the earth shook mightily, and the walls of the prison were rent in twain, so that they fell to the earth; and the chief judge, and the lawyers, and priests, and teachers, who smote upon Alma and Amulek, were slain by the fall thereof. 14.27b
Alma and Amulek left the prison without a scratch. No one in town gave them any trouble, because they were afraid of them.

And Alma and Amulek came forth out of the prison, and they were not hurt; for the Lord had granted unto them power, according to their faith which was in Christ. And they straightway came forth out of the prison; and they were loosed from their bands; and the prison had fallen to the earth, and every soul within the walls thereof, save it were Alma and Amulek, was slain; and they straightway came forth into the city. 14.28
Now the people having heard a great noise came running together by multitudes to know the cause of it; and when they saw Alma and Amulek coming forth out of the prison, and the walls thereof had fallen to the earth, they were struck with great fear, and fled from the presence of Alma and Amulek even as a goat fleeth with her young from two lions; and thus they did flee from the presence of Alma and Amulek. 14.29










Posted by Philip Wells at 4/21/2014 05:46:00 PM 0 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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19 April 2014Happy Jesus-in-Hell Day!
When I was a believer, I was always puzzled by the phrase "He descended into hell" in the Apostles' Creed. It just seemed strange to me. What was a nice guy like Jesus doing in a place like that?
But I guess Jesus did some time in hell; it says so right in the Bible.
He seeing this before spake of the resurrection of Christ, that his soul was not left in hell, neither his flesh did see corruption. Acts 2:31
Luckily he took some really cool pictures.
Here's a black and white photo of a very tall Jesus meeting Adam and Eve as they come out of their demon-mouth house.

And here's one, on Saturday night, after Jesus put on his transparent robe.

Jesus, in a hurry to meet the ladies of hell.

Another photo of Jesus hanging out with Adam and Eve.

The sermon from hell.

And here's Jesus Sunday morning before heading back to the tomb.

Posted by Steve Wells at 4/19/2014 11:00:00 AM 15 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 April 2014Alma 13: Melchizedek--None were greater
In this chapter, Alma continues his speech to Zeezrom and people of Ammonihah who have gathered. He told them all about the holy priests that were ordained directly from God, and how some people listened to the priests and some didn't. The priests were holy, dedicated, and wise...


He goes on for quite a while about this, without saying much of substance. The only real interesting thing he says about the priests in the first 10 verses is this: "Their garments were washed white through the blood of the Lamb". That must have been some special blood.

And this is the manner after which they were ordained -- being called and prepared from the foundation of the world according to the foreknowledge of God, on account of their exceeding faith and good works; in the first place being left to choose good or evil; therefore they having chosen good, and exercising exceedingly great faith, are called with a holy calling, yea, with that holy calling which was prepared with, and according to, a preparatory redemption for such. Alma 13.3
And thus they have been called to this holy calling on account of their faith, while others would reject the Spirit of God on account of the hardness of their hearts and blindness of their minds, while, if it had not been for this they might have had as great privilege as their brethren. 13.4
Therefore they were called after this holy order, and were sanctified, and their garments were washed white through the blood of the Lamb. 13.11
Then we get to a more interesting part. Alma brings up Melchizedek, who apparently was in the same order of priests that he had been speaking so highly of before. (Remember Melchizedek from Genesis 14.20? He was the lucky priest that got 1/10 of Abraham's booty in exchange for one little prayer.)
Yea, humble yourselves even as the people in the days of Melchizedek, who was also a high priest after this same order which I have spoken, who also took upon him the high priesthood forever. 13.14 
And it was this same Melchizedek to whom Abraham paid tithes; yea, even our father Abraham paid tithes of one-tenth part of all he possessed. 13.15
Luckily, we are going to get to learn more about him than we did in Genesis. According to Alma, Melchizedek was a king over the land of Salem. His people had become wicked, but he saved them because of his "mighty faith". He established peace in the land, and even became known as the "prince of peace".
Also, note that he reigned under his father (who, according to Hebrews 7:3, he didn't have.)
Now this Melchizedek was a king over the land of Salem; and his people had waxed strong in iniquity and abomination; yea, they had all gone astray; they were full of all manner of wickedness; 13.17
But Melchizedek having exercised mighty faith, and received the office of the high priesthood according to the holy order of God, did preach repentance unto his people. And behold, they did repent; and Melchizedek did establish peace in the land in his days; therefore he was called the prince of peace, for he was the king of Salem; and he did reign under his father. 13.18
He must have been some priest/king, because apparently he was the best there ever was (or will be).
Now, there were many before him, and also there were many afterwards, but none were greater; therefore, of him they have more particularly made mention. 13.19
 Something similar is mentioned about Melchizedek in Hebrews:
Melchizedek...Without father, without mother, without descent, having neither beginning of days, nor end of life; but made like unto the Son of God. Hebrews 7.1-3
But enough about Melchizedek. It's time to repent! Alma gets back to his core message, and even urges them not to procrastinate.
And now, my brethren, I wish from the inmost part of my heart, yea, with great anxiety even unto pain, that ye would hearken unto my words, and cast off your sins, and not procrastinate the day of your repentance; 13.27
But that ye would humble yourselves before the Lord, and call on his holy name, and watch and pray continually, that ye may not be tempted above that which ye can bear, and thus be led by the Holy Spirit, becoming humble, meek, submissive, patient, full of love and all long-suffering; 13.28
And that's it. Except everything else he said, which I guess wasn't important enough to chisel into the plates.
And Alma spake many more words unto the people, which are not written in this book. 13.31








Posted by Philip Wells at 4/18/2014 02:19:00 PM 0 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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17 April 2014Guess what book replaced the Book of Mormon as the #1 book on the list of life-changing books
Yesterday there was an article in the Deseret News entitled, "The Book of Mormon claims No. 1 spot on list of life-changing books." It was great news for the Salt Lake City newspaper, a paper owned an operated by the LDS Church.
Here are some excepts:
The Book of Mormon climbed to the top of a list of life-changing books from BestBookRead.com Wednesday, April 17, thanks to user votes and social media interaction.
...
On Wednesday, the Book of Mormon claimed the No. 1 spot on the list with help from a blog post by LDS Media Talk.
The post, published April 11, prompted readers with the question "How has the Book of Mormon changed your life?" Readers were encouraged to vote for their life changing-book at BestBookRead.com.
After the post, the Book of Mormon went from No. 25 on the list to No. 1, with more than 4,000 votes.
"This is an example of what Latter-day Saints can do when we stand for what we believe and we share it with others," reads the post from LDS Media Talk.
Before the post on April 11, the Book of Mormon ranked #25, with 235 votes; five days later it ranked #1, with more than 4000 votes. As the author of the #1 generating post said, "This is an example of what Latter-day Saints can do when we stand for what we believe and we share it with others. If you haven’t voted for it yet, just visit BestBookRead.com."
The joy at LDS headquarters in SLC was short-lived, however. The Book of Mormon has fallen to #4, following #3 "How to Kill Yourself." The new #1 is "Mein Kampf" by Adolf Hitler.
(The Bible, by the way, is #36, just barely beating "Porn Star 1" by one vote.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/17/2014 11:47:00 AM 9 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 April 2014Alma 12: "This is the thing which I was about to explain..."
After Amulek shut Zeezrom up, Alma hopped on the soapbox and continued preaching. A crowd had gathered, and he wanted to take full advantage.
Now Alma, seeing that the words of Amulek had silenced Zeezrom, for he beheld that Amulek had caught him in his lying and deceiving to destroy him, and seeing that he began to tremble under a consciousness of his guilt, he opened his mouth and began to speak unto him, and to establish the words of Amulek, and to explain things beyond, or to unfold the scriptures beyond that which Amulek had done. 12.1
Now the words that Alma spake unto Zeezrom were heard by the people round about; for the multitude was great, and he spake on this wise: 12.2
He continues to give Zeezrom a hard time, and call him an agent of the devil.
Now Zeezrom, seeing that thou hast been taken in thy lying and craftiness, for thou hast not lied unto men only but thou hast lied unto God; for behold, he knows all thy thoughts, and thou seest that thy thoughts are made known unto us by his Spirit; 12.3
And thou seest that we know that thy plan was a very subtle plan, as to the subtlety of the devil, for to lie and to deceive this people that thou mightest set them against us, to revile us and to cast us out -- 12.4
Now this was a plan of thine adversary, and he hath exercised his power in thee. Now I would that ye should remember that what I say unto thee I say unto all. 12.5
And behold I say unto you all that this was a snare of the adversary, which he has laid to catch this people, that he might bring you into subjection unto him, that he might encircle you about with his chains, that he might chain you down to everlasting destruction, according to the power of his captivity. 12.6
By this point even Zeezrom was convinced. He began trembling (a universal sign of guilt in the Book of Mormon),  and started to ask some real questions to Alma. Zeezrom asks about the resurrection of the dead, and if everyone is brought before God for judgment after their death.
Now when Alma had spoken these words, Zeezrom began to tremble more exceedingly, for he was convinced more and more of the power of God; and he was also convinced that Alma and Amulek had a knowledge of him, for he was convinced that they knew the thoughts and intents of his heart; for power was given unto them that they might know of these things according to the spirit of prophecy. 12.7
And Zeezrom began to inquire of them diligently, that he might know more concerning the kingdom of God. And he said unto Alma: What does this mean which Amulek hath spoken concerning the resurrection of the dead, that all shall rise from the dead, both the just and the unjust, and are brought to stand before God to be judged according to their works? 12.8


Alma answers him in very vague terms, basically saying that some people get to know the mysteries of God, and some don't. The better you behave, the more you get to know, and the worst-behaving people are punished by receiving less and less knowledge of God, which is a vicious cycle that ends up sending them into the jaws of Hell. Seems fair.
And now Alma began to expound these things unto him, saying: It is given unto many to know the mysteries of God; nevertheless they are laid under a strict command that they shall not impart only according to the portion of his word which he doth grant unto the children of men, according to the heed and diligence which they give unto him. 12.9
And therefore, he that will harden his heart, the same receiveth the lesser portion of the word; and he that will not harden his heart, to him is given the greater portion of the word, until it is given unto him to know the mysteries of God until he know them in full. 12.10
And they that will harden their hearts, to them is given the lesser portion of the word until they know nothing concerning his mysteries; and then they are taken captive by the devil, and led by his will down to destruction. Now this is what is meant by the chains of hell. 12.11
Then if our hearts have been hardened, yea, if we have hardened our hearts against the word, insomuch that it has not been found in us, then will our state be awful, for then we shall be condemned. 12.13
Zeezrom also asked whether people are judged by their works or not. Alma answered that God judges people by their works, their words, and even their thoughts. On the judgment day a person will not be found faultless, and they would be happy to let a mountain fall upon them rather than look upon God and be judged. Indeed.
For our words will condemn us, yea, all our works will condemn us; we shall not be found spotless; and our thoughts will also condemn us; and in this awful state we shall not dare to look up to our God; and we would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us to hide us from his presence. 12.14
Alma then gives a nice description of Hell:
Then is the time when their torments shall be as a lake of fire and brimstone, whose flame ascendeth up forever and ever; and then is the time that they shall be chained down to an everlasting destruction, according to the power and captivity of Satan, he having subjected them according to his will. 12.17
When Alma was done speaking, the people were astonished. Or most of them, at least. There was still one doubter among them. His name was Antionah, and he was their chief ruler. He said:
"What do you mean, that people can live forever? Didn't God place cherubim and a flaming sword on the east of the Garden of Eden, so that our parents couldn't eat from the tree of life and live forever?"
Now it came to pass that when Alma had made an end of speaking these words, the people began to be more astonished; 12.19
But there was one Antionah, who was a chief ruler among them, came forth and said unto him: What is this that thou hast said, that man should rise from the dead and be changed from this mortal to an immortal state that the soul can never die? 12.20
What does the scripture mean, which saith that God placed cherubim and a flaming sword on the east of the garden of Eden, lest our first parents should enter and partake of the fruit of the tree of life, and live forever? And thus we see that there was no possible chance that they should live forever. 12.21
 Alma said: "Oh yeah, I was getting to that."
Now Alma said unto him: This is the thing which I was about to explain, now we see that Adam did fall by the partaking of the forbidden fruit, according to the word of God; and thus we see, that by his fall, all mankind became a lost and fallen people. 12.22
Then he explains how the fall of Adam was all part of the plan, because people would have been miserable if they lived forever in the Garden of Eden, because they wouldn't have the proper "predatory state", and then redemption wouldn't have been possible. It all makes sense if you really think about it (or if you don't think about it very hard).
And now behold, I say unto you that if it had been possible for Adam to have partaken of the fruit of the tree of life at that time, there would have been no death, and the word would have been void, making God a liar, for he said: If thou eat thou shalt surely die. 12.23
And we see that death comes upon mankind, yea, the death which has been spoken of by Amulek, which is the temporal death; nevertheless there was a space granted unto man in which he might repent; therefore this life became a probationary state; a time to prepare to meet God; a time to prepare for that endless state which has been spoken of by us, which is after the resurrection of the dead. 12.24
Now, if it had not been for the plan of redemption, which was laid from the foundation of the world, there could have been no resurrection of the dead; but there was a plan of redemption laid, which shall bring to pass the resurrection of the dead, of which has been spoken. 12.25
And now behold, if it were possible that our first parents could have gone forth and partaken of the tree of life they would have been forever miserable, having no preparatory state; and thus the plan of redemption would have been frustrated, and the word of God would have been void, taking none effect. 12.26
But behold, it was not so; but it was appointed unto men that they must die; and after death, they must come to judgment, even that same judgment of which we have spoken, which is the end. 12.27
Then Alma finishes the way he usually does, with a call to repentance.
And now, my brethren, behold I say unto you, that if ye will harden your hearts ye shall not enter into the rest of the Lord; therefore your iniquity provoketh him that he sendeth down his wrath upon you as in the first provocation, yea, according to his word in the last provocation as well as the first, to the everlasting destruction of your souls; therefore, according to his word, unto the last death, as well as the first. 12.36
And now, my brethren, seeing we know these things, and they are true, let us repent, and harden not our hearts, that we provoke not the Lord our God to pull down his wrath upon us in these his second commandments which he has given unto us; but let us enter into the rest of God, which is prepared according to his word. 12.37





Posted by Philip Wells at 4/16/2014 05:06:00 PM 0 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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15 April 2014And I beheld when the moon became as blood
(Since there's a lot of Christian hysteria over the tetrad of lunar eclipses that began last night, I thought I'd repost this from August 27, 2007.)

Did you see it last night? I did. The moon darkened and turned red, just like the Bible said it would.
I'm not sure just what to make of it, though.
Does it mean that Jesus is back?
Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken: And then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory. Matthew 24:29-30
Well, the moon was definitely darkened, but the sun seemed normal enough and I didn't see any stars fall. Still, Alberto Gonzales resigned yesterday and Larry Craig pleaded guilty of lewd conduct charges. So maybe "the powers of heaven were shaken" a bit.
Or is it the end of the world, "the great and terrible day of the Lord" that I've heard so much about?
The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and the terrible day of the LORD come. Joel 2:31
The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before that great and notable day of the Lord come. Acts 2:20
Or has the sixth seal of Revelation been broken?
And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood. Revelation 6:12
God has a strange way of communicating, doesn't he? The naturally occurring signs and wonders are all part of God's special sign language. Last night's central lunar eclipse was one of his most spectacular signs and was clearly a fulfillment of the Bible's prophecy (that there have been hundreds since the prophecies were made only shows how accurate the prophecies have been).
But what was God trying to tell us? (It must be a really important message since God repeats it so often.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/15/2014 08:45:00 AM 14 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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04 April 2014How many did God kill in the Book of Mormon?
In a previous post, I compared the number of people killed in the Bible, Book of Mormon, and Quran. Since then, my son Philip and I have taken a much closer look at the Book of Mormon, and it turns out that I missed quite a few killings in that first attempt nearly eight years ago. So here's a new, more complete list. (I've also updated the previous list to include the missed killings.)
I've tried to use the same standard for the killings in the Book of Mormon as I did for the Bible in Drunk With Blood. But there are probably some that shouldn't be on the list, and others that should be. Let me know what you think.
In future posts, I'll try to tell the stories for each of the BoM killings. Heck, maybe there'll even be a Drunk With Blood: The Book of Mormon edition.    BoM Number  Estimate 
1  1 Nephi 4:10-18  Laban  1  1 
2  Jacob 7:15-20  Sherem  1  1 
3  Words of Mormon 14  Lamanites  -  10,000 
4  Mosiah 9:18  Lamanites  3,043  3,043 
5  Mosiah 10:19-20  Lamanites  -  10,000 
6  Mosiah 19:16-24  Noah is burned to death  1  1 
7  Alma 1:15  Nehor  1  1 
8  Alma 2:16-19  Amlicites  12,532  12,532 
9  Alma 2:27-28  Amlicites and Lamanites  -  10,000 
10  Alma 2:30-31  Amlici  1  1 
11  Alma 2:33-36  Amlicites and Lamanites   10,000 
12  Alma 14:8-13  Women and children burn to death  -  100 
13  Alma 14:27  Wall falls on priests and Lawyers of Ammonihah  -  10 
14  Alma 17:36-38  Lamanite robers  -  10 
15  Alma 28:2  Lamanites  -  30,000 
16  Alma 28:11  Lamanites  -  10,000 
17  Alma 30:2  Lamanites  -  10,000 
18  Alma 30:59  Korihor  1  1 
19  Alma 44:12  Zerahemnah  1  1 
20  Alma 44:17  Naked Lamanites  -  1,000 
21  Alma 50:22  Wicked Nephites and Lamanites   5,000 
22  Alma 51:19  Dissenters  4,000  4,000 
23  Alma 51:34  Amalickiah  1  1 
24  Alma 57:14  Lamanites  2,000  2,000 
25  Alma 62:9  "King-men"  -  10 
26  Alma 62:10  Freedom deniers  -  10 
27  Alma 62:11  Freedom haters  -  10 
28  Alma 62:25  Lamanites  -  20 
29  Alma 62:36  Lamanite king  1  1 
30  Alma 62:38  Lamanites  -  10,000 
31  Helaman 1:7-8  Paanchi  1  1 
32  Helaman 11:6  God and Nephi's famine  -  5,000 
33  3 Nephi 4:11  Giddianhi and his robbers  1  10,000 
34  3 Nephi 4:21  Robbers  -  30,000 
35  3 Nephi 4:27  More robbers  -  1,000 
36  3 Nephi 4:28  Zemnarihah  1  1 
37  3 Nephi 8:14  Jesus destroys large cities  -  20,000 
38  3 Nephi 8:15  City folks  -  1,000 
39  3 Nephi 8:16  People carried away in whirlwinds  -  20 
40  3 Nephi 9:1-15  Jesus destroyes 16 cities  -  16,000 
41  Mormon 2:15  Lamanites  -  5,000 
42  Mormon 3:8  Lamanites  -  1,000 
43  Mormon 6:9-15  Nephite soldiers  230,000  1,000,000 
44  Ether 9:30  King Kom's people  -  1,000 
45  Ether 9:31  Poisonous snakes bite the people  -  1,000 
46  Ether 11:7  Wars, famines and pestilences  -  100,000 
47  Ether 14:25  God's wrath kills the Jaredites  -  10,000 
48  Ether 15:2  Two million mighty men, with their wives and children  2,000,000  8,000,000 
49  Ether 15:19  God destroys the Jaredites  -  1,000,000 
   2,251,587  10 million 

Posted by Steve Wells at 4/04/2014 01:34:00 PM 8 comments   Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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