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10 February 2011Bryan Fischer: Even more racist than the Book of Mormon
In my last post, I mentioned that the LDS church recently changed the introductory summary of 2 Nephi 5 from this:
The Nephites separate themselves from the Lamanites, keep the law of Moses, and build a temple -- Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites are cursed, receive a skin of blackness, and become a scourge unto the Nephites.
to this:
The Nephites separate themselves from the Lamanites, keep the law of Moses, and build a temple—Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites are cut off from the presence of the Lord, are cursed, and become a scourge unto the Nephites.
The reason for the change is obvious: the former summary was too racist, even for the LDS church. So they softened it up and toned it down a bit. But the racism of 2 Nephi 5 remains.
Here's what it says about the Lamanites (Native Americans in the Book of Mormon):
He had caused the cursing to come upon them... that ... wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome ... God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them ... that they shall be loathsome unto thy people. ...
Cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. ...
Because of their cursing ... they did become an idle people, full of mischief. 2 Nephi 5:21-24
I'm sure the LDS church would like to do to the text of 2 Nephi 5 what they did to its chapter summary. Soften it up, tone it down, throw it out. And maybe they'll do that some day while no one is looking. But for now, at least, they are stuck with it.
Like the American Family Association is stuck with Bryan Fischer.
You remember, Bryan Fischer, don't you? He's the guy that thinks we should kill the bears, stone the whales, and become more Phinehas-like (by impaling interracial couples while they're having sex).
Now he tells us about Native Americans.
I'd link to his post, bit it's been removed from the AFA website. It seems that the AFA is as embarrassed by Fischer's post as the LDS church is with 2 Nephi 5.
Here are some excerpts from the original post.
The native American tribes at the time of the European settlement and founding of the United States were, virtually without exception, steeped in the basest forms of superstition, had been guilty of savagery in warfare for hundreds of years, and practiced the most debased forms of sexuality.
...
The [Lewis and Clark] journals record the morally abhorrent practice of many native American chiefs, who offered their own wives to the Corps of Discovery for their twisted sexual pleasure. (Regrettably, many members of the Corps, Lewis and Clark excepted, took advantage of these offers and contracted numerous and debilitating sexually transmitted diseases as a result.)
...
Many of the tribal reservations today remain mired in poverty and alcoholism because many native Americans continue to cling to the darkness of indigenous superstition instead of coming into the light of Christianity and assimilating into Christian culture.
...
God explained to the nation of Israel that because of the “abomination(s)” of the indigenous Canaanite tribes, the land had become unclean and “vomited out its inhabitants (Lev. 18:25).”
Is this to say the same holds true for native American tribes today? In many respects, the answer is of course no. But in some senses, the answer is yes. Many of the tribal reservations today remain mired in poverty and alcoholism because many native Americans continue to cling to the darkness of indigenous superstition instead of coming into the light of Christianity and assimilating into Christian culture.
OK. Maybe my title is a bit exaggerated. I'm not sure which is more racist, Bryan Fischer or the Book of Mormon. What do you think?
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/10/2011 01:16:00 PM 13 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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08 February 20112 Nephi 4-5: Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites are cursed, receive a skin of blackness
The title to this post is taken from the official LDS summary for 2 Nephi 5 -- at least it was the official summary, until it was changed by the LDS church in December 2010. In the new revised version, the Lamanites (Native Americans) are no longer cursed by God with "a skin of blackness" for their unbelief, but are "cut off from the presence of the Lord."
Let's take a closer look and see what the Mormons are so embarrassed about.
Chapter 4 is a total waste of a golden plate. The 1350 or so words can be summed up with just two: Lehi died.
And It came to pass after my father, Lehi, had spoken unto all his household, according to the feelings of his heart and the Spirit of the Lord which was in him, he waxed old. And It came to pass that he died, and was buried. 2 Nephi 4:12
But chapter 5 is a another thing entirely.
It begins with Nephi's brothers rebelling against him again. (See here, here, here, here, here, and here for previous rebellions.)
So Nephi cries his little heart out to the Lord.
Behold, It came to pass that I, Nephi, did cry much unto the Lord my God, because of the anger of my brethren. 2 Nephi 5:1
And his brothers try to kill him (so they won't have to listen to him anymore).
But behold, their anger did increase against me, insomuch that they did seek to take away my life.
Yea, they did murmur against me, saying: Our younger brother thinks to rule over us; and we have had much trial because of him; wherefore, now let us slay him, that we may not be afflicted more because of his words. For behold, we will not have him to be our ruler; for it belongs unto us, who are the elder brethren, to rule over this people. 2 Nephi 5:2-3
Nephi didn't write down all the stuff they said about him. Suffice it to say that they said whatever and whatnot and so forth.
Now I do not write upon these plates all the words which they murmured against me. But it sufficeth me to say, that they did seek to take away my life. 2 Nephi 5:4
Then Nephi's good buddy (God) told him to get the heck out of there and take all his brown-nosing family and friends with him.
And It came to pass that the Lord did warn me, that I, Nephi, should depart from them and flee into the wilderness, and all those who would go with me.
Wherefore, It came to pass that I, Nephi, did take my family, and also Zoram and his family, and Sam, mine elder brother and his family, and Jacob and Joseph, my younger brethren, and also my sisters, and all those who would go with me. And all those who would go with me were those who believed in the warnings and the revelations of God; wherefore, they did hearken unto my words. 2 Nephi 5:5-6
So they took all their stuff and, after travelling for the space of many days, camped out for a while at a place they called Nephi.
And we did take our tents and whatsoever things were possible for us, and did journey in the wilderness for the space of many days. And after we had journeyed for the space of many days we did pitch our tents.
And my people would that we should call the name of the place Nephi; wherefore, we did call it Nephi. 2 Nephi 5:7-8
At Nephi they all decided to call themselves the people of Nephi (the Nephites).
And all those who were with me did take upon them to call themselves the people of Nephi. 2 Nephi 5:9
Everything was perfect with the people of Nephi. God was with them, they prospered exceedingly, had all kinds of crops and animals, along with the magic compass ball.
And the Lord was with us; and we did prosper exceedingly; for we did sow seed, and we did reap again in abundance. And we began to raise flocks, and herds, and animals of every kind. And I, Nephi, had also brought the records which were engraven upon the plates of brass; and also the ball, or compass, which was prepared for my father by the hand of the Lord, according to that which is written. And It came to pass that we began to prosper exceedingly, and to multiply in the land. 2 Nephi 5:11-13
They made lots of swords (patterned after the sword of Laban that Nephi cut Laban's head off with),
And I, Nephi, did take the sword of Laban, and after the manner of it did make many swords. 2 Nephi 5:14
And buildings,
And I did teach my people to build buildings. 2 Nephi 5:15a
And all kinds of stuff out of wood, iron, copper, brass, steel, gold, silver, and other precious metals that were lying around everywhere in great abundance.
And to work in all manner of wood, and of iron, and of copper, and of brass, and of steel, and of gold, and of silver, and of precious ores, which were in great abundance. 2 Nephi 5:15b
They built an exceedingly fine temple, just like Solomon's, except not quite as fancy. (According to the Bible it took 150,000 men seven years to build the temple, but Nephite crew of a dozen or so men managed just fine.)
And I, Nephi, did build a temple; and I did construct it after the manner of the temple of Solomon save it were not built of so many precious things; for they were not to be found upon the land, wherefore, it could not be built like unto Solomon's temple. But the manner of the construction was like unto the temple of Solomon; and the workmanship thereof was exceedingly fine. 2 Nephi 5:16
Then the people of Nephi who lived in a place called Nephi wanted to make Nephi their king.
And It came to pass that they would that I should be their king. 2 Nephi 5:18a
But Nephi said they should have no king.
But I, Nephi, was desirous that they should have no king; nevertheless, I did for them according to that which was in my power. 2 Nephi 5:18b
So Nephi became their ruler instead.
And behold, the words of the Lord had been fulfilled unto my brethren, which he spake concerning them, that I should be their ruler and their teacher. 2 Nephi 5:19
When Nephi's rebellious brothers found out that Nephi was the ruler, they rebelled against Nephi's rule, just as God said they would. So God cut them off from his presence.
Wherefore, the word of the Lord was fulfilled which he spake unto me, saying that: Inasmuch as they will not hearken unto thy words they shall be cut off from the presence of the Lord. And behold, they were cut off from his presence. 2 Nephi 5:20
And cursed them.
And he had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. 2 Nephi 5:21a
God's curse caused "a skin of blackness to come upon" the Lamanites to make them appear repulsive to the "white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome" Nephites.
For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people. 2 Nephi 5:21b-22
And if any white and delightsome Nephite tried to mix some seed with a loathsome, dark-skinned Lamanite, God would curse that Nephite with dark skin, too.
And cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. And the Lord spake it, and it was done. 2 Nephi 5:23
But God's curse of the Lamanites was more than skin deep. It affected their entire beings. They became idle, mischievous, savages -- and they remain so to this day, according to the LDS church. (Mormons believe Native Americans are the descendants of the Lamanites.)
And because of their cursing which was upon them they did become an idle people, full of mischief and subtlety, and did seek in the wilderness for beasts of prey. 2 Nephi 5:24
But everything was exceedingly good with the Nephites. Nephi made priests out of his little brothers, Jacob and Joseph.
And It came to pass that I, Nephi, did consecrate Jacob and Joseph, that they should be priests and teachers over the land of my people. 2 Nephi 5:26
The Nephites were happy campers.
And It came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness. 2 Nephi 5:27
Nephi wrote stuff down on his plates.
And I, Nephi, had kept the records upon my plates, which I had made, of my people thus far. 2 Nephi 5:28
And on other plates that God told him to make. It was all good to God and profitable to his people.
And It came to pass that the Lord God said unto me: Make other plates; and thou shalt engraven many things upon them which are good in my sight, for the profit of thy people. 2 Nephi 5:30
God was pleased, Nephi was pleased, and the people of Nephi were so pleased they could hardly stand it. And if you're pleased with the things of God you'll be pleased with Nephi's plates, too.
And I engraved that which is pleasing unto God. And if my people are pleased with the things of God they will be pleased with mine engravings which are upon these plates. 2 Nephi 5:32
But if you want to know the more particular part of anything else you'll just have to search Nephi's other plates.
And if my people desire to know the more particular part of the history of my people they must search mine other plates. 2 Nephi 5:33
It suffices for me and Nephi to say that forty years passed away with some wars and whatnot. Read all about in Nephi's other plates.
And it sufficeth me to say that forty years had passed away, and we had already had wars and contentions with our brethren. 2 Nephi 5:34
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Next episode -- 2 Nephi 6: Someday God will force non-Mormons to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood
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Posted by Steve Wells at 2/08/2011 04:05:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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06 February 2011A prayer from Psalm 58: Ask God to make someone die like an aborted fetus.
In a previous post, I mentioned the biblically correct way to have an abortion. You can find it in Numbers 5:11-31, where God describes the procedure in detail.
The Bible says other interesting things about abortion, but there's something I've missed up to now. So I thought I'd share it with you here.
I found it in Psalm 58.
There are only two kind of people in Psalm 58: righteous people and wicked people. Wicked people are wicked from the start, in the womb before they are even born. And they begin speaking lies as soon as they are born, before they can even talk.
The wicked are estranged from the womb: they go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies. Psalm 58:3
Righteous people ask God to break the teeth of wicked people and then cut their toothless bodies into pieces.
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth ... Let them be as cut in pieces.Psalm 58:6-7
They pray that God will convert the wicked into a slimy mess, like an aborted fetus.
As a snail which melteth, let every one of them pass away: like the untimely birth of a woman, that they may not see the sun. Psalm 58:8
And when God answers their prayers, they will rejoice as they wash their feet in the blood of the wicked.
The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked. Psalm 58:10
It's all part of being a righteous pro-life Christian.
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/06/2011 10:03:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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01 February 2011Surah 4:136-176 -- Jesus wasn't really crucified, it just looked that way
The end of Surah 4 contains a bit of news about Jesus, something you may not have heard about before.
Here it is: Allah and Jesus worked together to make his death appear to be a bloody crucifixion, but it was all just a fancy magic trick. Jesus didn't really die, it just looked that way.
Oh sure, the Jews like to brag about killing the Messiah (we've all heard them do that), but they didn't really. Allah tricked them, just for the heck of it.
And because of their saying: We slew the Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, Allah's messenger - they slew him not nor crucified him, but it appeared so unto them. 4:157a
Allah and Jesus faked the whole bloody mess. Jesus beamed up to heaven and had some stand-in* do the crucifixion for him.
And lo! those who disagree concerning it are in doubt thereof; they have no knowledge thereof save pursuit of a conjecture; they slew him not for certain. But Allah took him up unto Himself. 4:157b-8
The rest of the section repeats the same old stuff that we've already heard and have grown tired of. Allah will neither help nor forgive disbelievers or apostates (4:137-143), but purposefully misleads them so that he can burn them in hell after they die (4:167-170). Muslims should not have them for friends (4:144). Oh, and women are worth half a much as men (4:176).
There is one other verse that I should mention, though. Here it is.
Do not exaggerate in your religion. 4:171
There's a name for people who don't exaggerate in their religion. They're called atheists.
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* The gospel of Barnabas (a 16th century forgery) claims it was Judas.
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/01/2011 10:48:00 AM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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21 March 2011The Bible made him do it.
John Thomas was just doing what the Bible tells everyone to do: kill homosexuals.
From the NBC news report:
Twenty-eight year old John Thomas says nothing as he is taken to the Delaware County prison, but investigators say he told them that he killed long-time friend Maury Seidman by stoning him and blaming the teachings of the Old Testament.
Thomas explained to investigators that he killed Seidman because Seidman had been making homosexual advances toward him over a period of time and that he had read in the Old Testament that homosexuals should be stoned in certain situations.
And he was (mostly) right about that. Here's what the Bible says:
If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13
The Bible says that all homosexuals (or at least all non-abstinent, male homosexuals) must be put to death.
It doesn't say, however, that they should be stoned to death, only that "their blood shall be upon them." So any execution method that is sufficiently bloody would both satisfy God and be biblically correct.
John Thomas put rocks in a sock and bludgeoned Maury Seidman to death.
Again quoting from the news report:
When police arrived, they found Thomas crying in the hallway of the apartment building saying, “I’m not going down there again. There is too much blood.”
So God's requirement for blood was certainly met in the killing.
Thomas only did what God asks every Bible believer to do: kill homosexuals in a sufficiently bloody way. "Their blood shall be upon them."
Here's the NBC video.
View more videos at: http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com.
And here is a challenge from Zinnia Jones to all Bible believers.
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/21/2011 11:58:00 AM 15 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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19 March 2011Someone should read the Book of Revelation to Glenn Beck
In my last post, I quoted Lawrence O'Donnell, who said this about the book of Revelation:
The book of Revelation is a work of fiction describing how a truly vicious god would bring about the end of the world. No half-smart religious person actually believes the book of Revelation. They are certain that their god would never turn into a malicious torturer and mass murderer beyond Hitler's wildest dreams.
To which Glenn Beck responded:
Jeez! No it isn't. It is a book to say, this what it is going to look like. This is what the Antichrist is going to do.
...
Stop! Did he miss the two words: Anti Christ? It's not God doing it!
Which only shows that Glenn Beck has never read the book of Revelation, since it never mentions the Antichrist. (There is a whole zoo of strange beasts in Revelation, but none of them are called antichrist or kill people.)
[The word "antichrist" only occurs four times in the Bible. (1 John 2:18, 2:22, 4:3, and 2 John 1:7) It refers to anyone who denies that Jesus is the Christ and/or has come in the flesh.]
No, Lawrence O'Donnell was entirely correct. The mass-murdering monster in Revelation is God (or Jesus or angels sent by God).
Here are a few quotes from the book that Glenn Beck has never read.
Jesus will kill billions (maybe even trillions) with a sharp sickle.
And I looked, and behold a white cloud, and upon the cloud one sat like unto the Son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle. ... And he that sat on the cloud thrust in his sickle on the earth; and the earth was reaped ... into the great winepress of the wrath of God. And ... blood came out of the winepress, even unto the horse bridles, by the space of a thousand and six hundred furlongs. Revelation 14:14-20
And billions more with a sword that sticks out of his mouth. Then he'll feed their dead bodies to the animals.
And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God. ... And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. And I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the fowls that fly in the midst of heaven, Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God; That ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men, both free and bond, both small and great. ... And the remnant were slain with the sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth: and all the fowls were filled with their flesh. Revelation 19:11-21
God will give power to someone on a red horse that will force people to kill each other.
And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword. Revelation 6:4
He will tell Death and Hell to kill one quarter of the earth's population with the sword, starvation, and "with the beasts of the earth."
And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth. Revelation 6:8
He will tell his angels to torture "those men which have not the seal of God in their foreheads." God carefully instructs the angels not to kill them, but rather torment them with scorpions for five months. Those tormented will want to die, but God won't let them.
And there came out of the smoke locusts upon the earth: and unto them was given power, as the scorpions of the earth have power. And it was commanded them that they should not hurt the grass of the earth, neither any green thing, neither any tree; but only those men which have not the seal of God in their foreheads. And to them it was given that they should not kill them, but that they should be tormented five months: and their torment was as the torment of a scorpion, when he striketh a man. And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them. ... And they had tails like unto scorpions, and there were stings in their tails: and their power was to hurt men five months. Revelation 9:3-10
Four angels, with an army of 200 million, will kill a third of the earth's population.
Four angels were loosed ... to slay the third part of men. And the number of the army of the horsemen were two hundred thousand thousand ... and the heads of the horses were as the heads of lions; and out of their mouths issued fire and smoke and brimstone. By these three was the third part of men killed, by the fire, and by the smoke, and by the brimstone, which issued out of their mouths ... for their tails were like unto serpents, and had heads, and with them they do hurt. Revelation 9:15-19
Anyone that messes with God's two olive trees and two candlesticks (God's witnesses) will be burned to death.
And I will give power unto my two witnesses ... These are the two olive trees, and the two candlesticks standing before the God of the earth. And if any man will hurt them, fire proceedeth out of their mouth, and devoureth their enemies: and if any man will hurt them, he must in this manner be killed. Revelation 11:3-5
God gives the fourth angel the power to burn people to death.
And the fourth angel poured out his vial upon the sun; and power was given unto him to scorch men with fire. Revelation 16:8
Then he'll burn people to death all by himself.
Fire came down from God out of heaven, and devoured them. Revelation 20:9
And throw the rest into a lake of fire to be tortured forever.
The same shall drink of the wine of the wrath of God, which is poured out without mixture into the cup of his indignation; and he shall be tormented with fire and brimstone in the presence of the holy angels, and in the presence of the Lamb: And the smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever. Revelation 14:10-11
And the fifth angel poured out his vial upon the seat of the beast; and his kingdom was full of darkness; and they gnawed their tongues for pain, And blasphemed the God of heaven because of their pains and their sores, and repented not of their deeds. Revelation 16:10-11
And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire. Revelation 20:15
But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. Revelation 21:8
And that is how a truly vicious god would bring about the end of the world.
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/19/2011 02:40:00 PM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Lawrence O'Donnell: The book of Revelation is a work of fiction describing how a truly vicious god would bring about the end of the world.
On his show last night, Lawrence O'Donnell responded to Glenn Beck's comments on the recent tragic events in Japan.
Glenn Beck:
The book of Revelation was written so you would know what it looks like, you would know -- warning! -- in these days these things will happen.
Lawrence O'Donnell:
The book of Revelation is a work of fiction describing how a truly vicious god would bring about the end of the world. No half-smart religious person actually believes the book of Revelation. They are certain that their god would never turn into a malicious torturer and mass murderer beyond Hitler's wildest dreams.
I agree with Lawrence O'Donnell about the book of Revelation. But I'm not so sure about the half-smart religious persons. I suspect there are some half-smart religious persons that believe (or half-believe or half-pretend to half-believe) in the book of Revelation (though most haven't even half-read it).
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/19/2011 09:59:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 March 2011Kosher and Halal, Shechita and Dhabiha, Cruel and Crueler
When you kill animals for food, God likes it done in a certain way.
It's one of the many things that the Torah and the Quran agree on. (See here for some others.) And it's an important part of life for Muslims and Jews.
Food that has been prepared according to Muslim dietary laws is called halal, while food consistent with Jewish laws is called kosher. Both have similar requirements when it comes to killing and eating animals.
God's rules for slaughtering animals are so similar, in fact, that some Muslims say that food prepared from animals killed using the Jewish rules (Shechita) is halal, although it seems that most Jews don't consider Dhabiha-killed animals kosher. Whatever. Either method should be sufficiently cruel to satisfy both Yahweh and Allah.
Here are some of the rules that they have in common.
The animal is killed with a sharp, non-serrated blade that cuts through the carotid arteries, jugular veins, esophagus, and trachea.
The spinal chord is not cut to insure that the nervous system is undamaged while the animal bleeds to death.
And here are some special requirements for Dhabiha killings.
Allah's name must be uttered before the slaughter.
The animal's head must be pointing toward Mecca while its throat is cut.
I'm including some videos for you to watch, if you have the stomach for it, that is. (I couldn't make it through either of them.)
Both forms of religious ritualistic killing should be illegal everywhere. And wherever it is legal, no decent person should support it by eating kosher or halal foods.
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/16/2011 12:11:00 PM 13 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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15 March 2011Improving the Bible: Deuteronomy 21:10-14
If the Bible is perfect, why is is so easily improved?
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/15/2011 12:42:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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14 March 2011Taking the Quran out of context (to justify belief in it)
My last post was about Keith Ellison's Real Time interview with Bill Maher. In that post, I focused on what Bill Maher said about the Quran (quoting from Sam Harris' book, The End of Faith):
On almost every page, the Quran instructs observant Muslims to despise nonbelievers.
I defended Harris' statement by quoting a couple dozen verses and referring to hundreds of others. And I challenged everyone to do the Harris test to see if it's true that "on almost every page, the Quran instructs observant Muslims to despise nonbelievers."
But Keith Ellison's defense of the Quran was even more interesting.
When Maher said that Islamic terrorists were getting their inspiration from the Quran, Rep. Ellison said:
They're not getting it from the Quran.
And used the usual "out of context" defense.
Taking them [verses from the Quran] out of context is a very easy thing to do.
Then he showed the truth of his statement by taking the Quran out of context.
Why don't you read the part where it says that anyone who takes a life, it's as if he'd killed the whole world, and anyone who saves a life it's aas if he'd saved the whole world?
And that is a nice verse, too. Here it is:
We decreed for the Children of Israel that whosoever killeth a human being for other than manslaughter or corruption in the earth, it shall be as if he had killed all mankind, and whoso saveth the life of one, it shall be as if he had saved the life of all mankind. Quran 5:32
But then context goes and ruins everything by having the next verse say this:
The only reward of those who make war upon Allah and His messenger and strive after corruption in the land will be that they will be killed or crucified, or have their hands and feet on alternate sides cut off, or will be expelled out of the land. Such will be their degradation in the world, and in the Hereafter theirs will be an awful doom; Quran 5:33
So what do these verses say in context? That Allah told the Jews not to kill each other. But now Allah says to that whoever fights against Islam or encourages corruption should be either killed, crucified, have their hands and feet on alternate sides cut off, or be banished from the land.
Doesn't sound quite as nice in context, now does it?
Then Congressman Ellison has another question for Bill Maher.
What about the one where it says let there be no compulsion in religion?
And there is such a verse in the Quran. Here it is.
There is no compulsion in religion. The right direction is henceforth distinct from error. And he who rejecteth false deities and believeth in Allah hath grasped a firm handhold which will never break. Allah is Hearer, Knower. Quran 2:256
But, once again, context strikes. Here's the next verse.
Allah is the Protecting Guardian of those who believe. He bringeth them out of darkness into light. As for those who disbelieve, their patrons are false deities. They bring them out of light into darkness. Such are rightful owners of the Fire. They will abide therein. Quran 2:257
There's no compulsion in religion. It's just that if you believe in the wrong religion, Allah will torture you after you die by burning you forever in hell.
And finally, Congressman Ellison says this:
Like any ideologue, they [the terrorists] will take things out of context to do what they want to do.
But it's not the terrorists who take the Quran out of context. There's plenty of nasty in-context material in the Quran to inspire terrorists.
It's the good, kind people (like Keith Ellison) that have to take the Quran out of context so that they can believe in it. Because the Quran, like all the other hateful holy books, can only be believed if it is taken out of context.
Here's the interview again.
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/14/2011 01:26:00 PM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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13 March 2011On almost every page . . .
In Friday's "Real Time" interview with Rep. Keith Ellison (the first Muslim elected to the United States Congress), Bill Maher quoted from Sam Harris' book, The End of Faith, saying
On almost every page, the Quran instructs observant Muslims to despise nonbelievers.
To which Rep. Ellison replied
That's absurd, ridiculous, and untrue.
But is it? Let's open a Quran and see.
The Quran isn't a very big book. Its 114 chapters (or surahs) take up only 400 or so pages. And yet there are 534 intolerant passages, including over 200 verses that include these words (or a variant thereof): "And for the disbelievers, Allah has prepared a painful doom."
Here's what Allah says about disbelievers in the Quran.
Allah loveth not the disbelievers. Quran 3:32
Allah (Himself) is an enemy to the disbelievers. Quran 2:98
Those who disbelieve Our revelations, We shall expose them to the Fire. As often as their skins are consumed We shall exchange them for fresh skins that they may taste the torment. Quran 4:56
But as for those who disbelieve, garments of fire will be cut out for them; boiling fluid will be poured down on their heads, Whereby that which is in their bellies, and their skins too, will be melted; And for them are hooked rods of iron. Whenever, in their anguish, they would go forth from thence they are driven back therein and (it is said unto them): Taste the doom of burning. Quran 22:19-22
So clearly, Allah despises disbelievers.
But what about Muslims? How does the Quran instruct Muslims to view disbelievers?
As for the Disbelievers, Whether thou warn them or thou warn them not it is all one for them; they believe not. Allah hath sealed their hearing and their hearts, and on their eyes there is a covering. Theirs will be an awful doom. Quran 2:6-7
Those who disbelieve, and die while they are disbelievers; on them is the curse of Allah and of angels and of men combined. Quran 2:161
Slay them wherever ye find them, and drive them out of the places whence they drove you out, for persecution is worse than slaughter. And fight not with them at the Inviolable Place of Worship until they first attack you there, but if they attack you (there) then slay them. Such is the reward of disbelievers. Quran 2:191
Let not the believers take disbelievers for their friends in preference to believers. Quran 3:28
Those who believe do battle for the cause of Allah; and those who disbelieve do battle for the cause of idols. So fight the minions of the devil. Quran 4:76
They long that ye should disbelieve even as they disbelieve, that ye may be upon a level (with them). So choose not friends from them till they forsake their homes in the way of Allah; if they turn back (to enmity) then take them and kill them wherever ye find them, and choose no friend nor helper from among them. Quran 4:89
In truth the disbelievers are an open enemy to you. Quran 4:101
O ye who believe! Choose not disbelievers for (your) friends in place of believers. Would ye give Allah a clear warrant against you? Quran 4:144
The only reward of those who make war upon Allah and His messenger and strive after corruption in the land will be that they will be killed or crucified, or have their hands and feet on alternate sides cut off, or will be expelled out of the land. Such will be their degradation in the world, and in the Hereafter theirs will be an awful doom. Quran 5:33
O ye who believe! Take not the Jews and the Christians for friends. They are friends one to another. He among you who taketh them for friends is (one) of them. Quran 5:51
O ye who believe! Choose not your fathers nor your brethren for friends if they take pleasure in disbelief rather than faith. Whoso of you taketh them for friends, such are wrong-doers. Quran 9:23
Strive against the disbelievers and the hypocrites! Be harsh with them. Their ultimate abode is hell, a hapless journey's end. Quran 9:73
O ye who believe! Fight those of the disbelievers who are near to you, and let them find harshness in you, and know that Allah is with those who keep their duty (unto Him). Quran 9:123
Never be a helper to the disbelievers. Quran 28:86
Muhammad is the messenger of Allah. And those with him are hard against the disbelievers and merciful among themselves. Quran 48:29
Thou wilt not find folk who believe in Allah and the Last Day loving those who oppose Allah and His messenger, even though they be their fathers or their sons or their brethren Quran 58:22
O ye who believe! Choose not My enemy and your enemy for allies. Do ye give them friendship when they disbelieve. Quran 60:1
O ye who believe! Be not friendly with a folk with whom Allah is wroth, (a folk) who have despaired of the Hereafter as the disbelievers despair of those who are in the graves.Quran 60:13
Strive against the disbelievers and the hypocrites, and be stern with them. Hell will be their home, a hapless journey's end. Quran 66:9
So Sam Harris had it about right. On almost every page, the Quran instructs observant Muslims to despise nonbelievers. It's not absurd, ridiculous, or untrue. (Open a Quran and see for yourself.)
Here's the Real Time interview.
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/13/2011 05:32:00 PM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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12 March 2011God's message to the tsunami victims
I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh; When your fear cometh as desolation, and your destruction cometh as a whirlwind; when distress and anguish cometh upon you. Then shall they call upon me, but I will not answer; they shall seek me early, but they shall not find me. Proverbs 1:26-28
It's time for us all to send a message to God.
(I guess he didn't get the last one.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/12/2011 08:43:00 AM 26 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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09 March 20112 Nephi 6: Someday God will force non-Mormons to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.
Last time we learned what the LDS church really thinks about Native Americans: they are idle, mischievous, dark-skinned savages. They got that way because their ancestor Laman disobeyed Nephi, so God caused "a skin of blackness to come upon them" to make them "loathsome unto" the "white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome" Nephites.
Now we find out what Mormons think about everyone else.
The chapter begins with Jacob (Nephi's newly-ordained little brother) giving a speech about "exceedingly many things."
Behold, my beloved brethren, I, Jacob, having been called of God, and ordained after the manner of his holy order, and having been consecrated by my brother Nephi ... behold ye know that I have spoken unto you exceedingly many things. Nevertheless, I speak unto you again ... Yea ... I have spoken unto you concerning all things which are written, from the creation of the world. 2 Nephi 6:2-3
Before long, though, Jacob gets bored with his own words, so he begins reading from the book of Isaiah.
Behold ... I will read you the words of Isaiah ... the words which I shall read are they which Isaiah spake concerning all the house of Israel; wherefore, they may be likened unto you, for ye are of the house of Israel. And there are many things which have been spoken by Isaiah which may be likened unto you, because ye are of the house of Israel. 2 Nephi 6:4-5
The section he reads from (Isaiah 49:22-26) begins by saying that "the Gentiles" will will "be thy nursing fathers."
Thus saith the Lord God: Behold, I will lift up mine hand to the Gentiles, ... and they shall bring thy sons in their arms, and thy daughters shall be carried upon their shoulders. And kings shall be thy nursing fathers, and their queens thy nursing mothers; they shall bow down to thee with their faces towards the earth, and lick up the dust of thy feet. 2 Nephi 6:6-7 (Isaiah 49:22-23)
Now "Gentiles" has a special meaning to Mormons. It doesn't mean non-Jews; it means non-Mormon, non-Catholic Christians (WASPs).
White Anglo-Saxon Protestants will nurture and protect Mormons until the good WASPs become Mormons themselves.
Next Jacob tells us somewhat about something he heard from God and an angel: in another 600 years or so, the Jews will crucify Jesus.
And now I, Jacob, would speak somewhat concerning these words. For behold, the Lord has shown me ... that ... they [the Jews] should scourge him [Jesus] and crucify him, according to the words of the angel who spake it unto me. 2 Nephi 6:8-9
Then after the hard-hearted and stiff-necked Jews kill Jesus, God will punish them by having everyone smite and afflict them.
And after they have hardened their hearts and stiffened their necks against the Holy One of Israel, behold the judgments of the Holy One of Israel shall come upon them. And the day cometh that they shall be smitten and afflicted.2 Nephi 6:10
The Jews will be afflicted, scattered, smitten, and hated by pretty much everyone until they too (those that survive, anyway) become Christians.
Wherefore, after they are driven to and fro, for thus saith the angel, many shall be afflicted in the flesh, and shall not be suffered to perish, because of the prayers of the faithful; they shall be scattered, and smitten, and hated; nevertheless, the Lord will be merciful unto them, that when they shall come to the knowledge of their Redeemer, they shall be gathered together again to the lands of their inheritance.2 Nephi 6:11
But blessed are the WASPs, for if they become Mormons and stay the hell away from the Catholic church, they will be saved.
Blessed are the Gentiles ... for behold, if it so be that they shall repent and fight not against Zion, and do not unite themselves to that great and abominable church, they shall be saved.2 Nephi 6:12
Whoever opposes Zion (the Mormon church), though, will be licking dust off shameless Mormon feet.
They that fight against Zion ... shall lick up the dust of their feet; and the people of the Lord shall not be ashamed. 2 Nephi 6:13
Then, after they're done licking, they will die horrible deaths. God will burn them to death, kill them with storms, earthquakes, wars, disease, and starvation. That will teach them that God is a Mormon.
And they that believe not in him shall be destroyed, both by fire, and by tempest, and by earthquakes, and by bloodsheds, and by pestilence, and by famine. And they shall know that the Lord is God, the Holy One of Israel. 2 Nephi 6:15
But before they die, God will give them a special treat. He will force them to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.
And I will feed them that oppress thee, with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood as with sweet wine; and all flesh shall know that I the Lord ... the Mighty One of Jacob. 2 Nephi 6:18
And then he'll torture them forever in hell.
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Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next Episode: 2 Nephi 7-9: Tomorrow is a Latter Day
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Posted by Steve Wells at 3/09/2011 01:01:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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06 March 2011Michael Moore: America is not broke
Today just 400 Americans have more wealth than half of all Americans combined.
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/06/2011 08:57:00 PM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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30 April 2011The good people in the Bible
A while back, I said that Vashti was the best person in the Bible. And while I still think she's a good choice for that award, I'd like to consider all possible candidates. Here is my attempt to do that. Let me know if I've left out any of your favorite Bible characters.
The Talking Serpent
OK, so maybe he wasn't human, but he was the wisest and most honest character in Genesis. Here's his conversation with Eve.
Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?
And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:
But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. Genesis 3:1-5
And the serpent was correct, according to the Bible anyway. When Eve and Adam ate from the tree of knowledge, they didn't die*, and their eyes were opened to know good and evil.
Eve
The Bible doesn't say much about Eve. There is only one conversation recorded and that is with a talking serpent. But in it she shows a courageous love of goodness, beauty, and truth.
When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat. Genesis 3:6
Hagar
At Sarah and God's insistence, Abraham sent Hagar and their son Ishmael into the desert. When Ishmael was about to die, Hagar left him under a bush and cried because she couldn't bear to see him die.
And the water was spent in the bottle, and she cast the child under one of the shrubs. And she went, and sat her down over against him a good way off, as it were a bow shot: for she said, Let me not see the death of the child. And she sat over against him, and lift up her voice, and wept. Genesis 21:15-16
Zipporah
Zipporah saved Moses from being killed by God by cutting off the foreskin of their son with a sharp stone. I don't know how she knew what had upset Moses' psychopathic god, but she figured it out quickly and did what had to be done. Then she threw the bloody foreskin at Moses' feet saying, "a bloody husband you are to me."
It came to pass ... that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him.
Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. Exodus 4:24-25
The ten honest scouts
Moses sent out twelve scouts to check out the land of Canaan. When they returned, one of the scouts (Caleb and maybe Joshua) told Moses that it would be easy to invade and conquer the people of Canaan. But ten other scouts disagreed.
The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature.
And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight. Numbers 13:32-33
So God, who only likes good news, killed them for their honest report.
Those men that did bring up the evil report upon the land, died by the plague before the LORD. Numbers 14:37
Korah and his companions
Moses and Aaron had absolute authority over the Israelites -- until it was challenged by Korah and his companions. Here's what they said to Moses.
Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves above the congregation of the LORD? Numbers 16:3
So God and Moses arranged a test. If Korah and his companions die a natural death, then God didn't send Moses. But if Korah and his friends (and their families) are buried alive, then God is Moses' special friend.
And Moses said, Hereby ye shall know that the LORD hath sent me.
...
If these men die the common death of all men ... then the LORD hath not sent me.
But if the LORD make a new thing, and the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the LORD. Numbers 16:28-30
The test proved that Moses is God's special friend (since the other guys were buried alive).
But if the LORD make a new thing, and the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the LORD.
And it came to pass, as he had made an end of speaking all these words, that the ground clave asunder that was under them:
And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses, and all the men that appertained unto Korah, and all their goods.
They, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation. Numbers 16:28-33
The people who complained about God's killings
During the Exodus, God burned and buried people alive, had people stoned to death, and killed tens of thousands in plagues. So, as you might expect, the people were pretty freaked out about it. Here's what they said:
All the congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron, saying, Ye have killed the people of the LORD. Numbers 16:41
So God sent a plague and killed another 14,700.
And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,
Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment. ...
Behold, the plague was begun among the people. ...
Now they that died in the plague were fourteen thousand and seven hundred. Numbers 16:44-49
The couple murdered by Phinehas
The Israelites pissed off God by having sex with Moabite women.
the people began to commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab. Numbers 25:1
So God sent a plague to kill them all. Then Phinehas saw an Israelite man and a Moabite woman,
One of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman. Numbers 25:6
and impaled them with a spear through their bellies.
When Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand ... and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. Numbers 25:7-8
God was so pleased by Phinehas' double murder that he stopped killing people with the plague, after only 24,000 died. (Well, 23,000 if you believe Paul.)
So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel. nd those that died in the plague were twenty and four thousand. Numbers 25:8-9
The daughters of Zelophehad
Then came the daughters of Zelophehad ... Mahlah, Noah, and Hoglah, and Milcah, and Tirzah.
And they stood before Moses, and before Eleazar the priest, and before the princes and all the congregation, by the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, saying,
Our father died in the wilderness ... and had no sons.
Why should the name of our father be done away from among his family, because he hath no son? Give unto us therefore a possession among the brethren of our father.
And Moses brought their cause before the LORD.
And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,
The daughters of Zelophehad speak right: thou shalt surely give them a possession of an inheritance among their father's brethren; and thou shalt cause the inheritance of their father to pass unto them. Numbers 27:1-7
The peaceful unsuspecting people of Laish
The children of Dan ... came unto Laish, unto a people that were at quiet and secure: and they smote them with the edge of the sword, and burnt the city with fire. Judges 18:26-27
Nabal
When David was fighting with Saul, he hung out "in the wilderness" with a gang of outlaws. While there, he heard about a rich man named Nabal and sent some of his "young men" to pay him a visit. So they went and introduced themselves to Nabal and told him to give them whatever he owned.
David sent out ten young men, and David said unto the young men, Get you up to Carmel, and go to Nabal, and greet him in my name. ...
Give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David. 1 Samuel 25:5-8
But Nabal was on to David's protection racket. He refused to give his belongings to people he didn't even know just to get them to go away and leave him alone.
And Nabal answered David's servants, and said, Who is David? ...
Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be? 1 Samuel 25:10-11
When David heard about it, he swore to kill Nabal and all his men (everyone "that pisseth against the wall").
So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 1 Samuel 25:22
But, as it turns out, God beat him to it and killed Nabal for David,
And it came to pass about ten days after, that the LORD smote Nabal, that he died. 1 Samuel 25:38
and gave David his wife and other stuff.
When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, Blessed be the LORD .... And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife. 1 Samuel 25:39
Phaltiel
After Michal helped David escape from her father Saul, Saul gave her away to another man named Phalti.
Saul had given Michal his daughter, David's wife, to Phalti.
But later, after he had collected a half dozen or more wives, David demanded Michal back. (Heck, he paid 200 foreskins for her!)
And David sent messengers to Ishbosheth Saul's son, saying, Deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for an hundred foreskins of the Philistines. 2 Samuel 3:14
Poor Phatiel must have loved her dearly since he "went along weeping behind her."
And Ishbosheth sent, and took her from her husband, even from Phaltiel the son of Laish. And her husband went with her along weeping behind her. 2 Samuel 3:15
Uzzah
When the ark was being transported to Jerusalem, Uzzah, one of the drivers of the cart, reached out his hand to steady the ark to keep it from falling. God thanked him in his usual way: he killed him.
And they set the ark of God upon a new cart, and brought it out of the house of Abinadab that was in Gibeah: and Uzzah and Ahio, the sons of Abinadab, drave the new cart. ...
And when they came to Nachon's threshingfloor , Uzzah put forth his hand to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen shook it.
And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah; and God smote him there for his error; and there he died by the ark of God. 2 Samuel 6:3-7
Michal
David bought his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins. She was the daughter of Saul and her name was Michal. She rescued David from her father by lowering him on a rope through the window (1 Samuel 19:11-17), which was both brave and clever. But what impresses me even more was the way she criticized David for dancing nearly naked in front of God and everybody.
David danced before the LORD with all his might; and David was girded with a linen ephod. ...
Michal ... said, How glorious was the king of Israel to day, who uncovered himself to day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovereth himself! 2 Samuel 6:14-20
Of course God doesn't like it when anyone criticizes David. So he made her die childless. (But not really.)
Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death. 2 Samuel 6:23
Rizpah
To appease God and end a famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have two of Saul's sons and five of his grandsons killed and hung up "unto the Lord."
There was a famine in the days of David three years, year after year; and David enquired of the LORD. And the LORD answered, It is for Saul, and for his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. ...
Wherefore David said unto the Gibeonites, What shall I do for you? and wherewith shall I make the atonement. ...
And they answered the king ... Let seven men of his sons be delivered unto us, and we will hang them up unto the LORD. 2 Samuel 21:1-6
So David rounded up and delivered two sons of Rizpah, Saul's concubine, and five sons of his daughter Michal, and they hung them up before the Lord.
The king took the two sons of Rizpah ... whom she bare unto Saul ... and the five sons of Michal ... And he delivered them into the hands of the Gibeonites, and they hanged them in the hill before the LORD: and they fell all seven together, and were put to death. 2 Samuel 21:8-9
Rizpah stayed with her dead sons, chasing the birds away in the daytime and animals away at night.
And Rizpah the daughter of Aiah took sackcloth, and spread it for her upon the rock, from the beginning of harvest until water dropped upon them out of heaven, and suffered neither the birds of the air to rest on them by day, nor the beasts of the field by night. 2 Samuel 21:10
And God stopped the famine after Saul's two sons and five grandsons were killed and hung up for him.
They gathered the bones of them that were hanged ... And after that God was intreated for the land 2 Samuel 21:13-14
Jeroboam's wife
Jeroboam's wife (the Bible doesn't bother giving her a name) was worried about her sick son. So she went to see the blind prophet Ahijah to see if he could help.
Jeroboam's wife ... arose, and went to Shiloh, and came to the house of Ahijah. 1 Kings 14:4
When she arrived, Ahijah had a message from God regarding her son.
Bhold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel, and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung, till it be all gone. 1 Kings 14:10
Which wasn't particularly good news to Jeroboam's wife, since her sick son had pissed on a few walls here and there.
But it got worse as the prophet elaborated a bit.
Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 1 Kings 14:11
So God was going to kill all of the male descendants of Jeroboam, strew their dead bodies on the ground like dung, and use them for dog and bird food.
Oh and her son? He would be dead by the time she got home.
Arise thou therefore, get thee to thine own house: and when thy feet enter into the city, the child shall die. 1 Kings 14:12
After hearing the words of God from his prophet Ahijah, Jeroboam's wife returned home. And, sure enough, God killed her sick little boy the moment she entered his room.
And Jeroboam's wife arose, and departed, and came to Tirzah: and when she came to the threshold of the door, the child died; 1 Kings 14:17
Vashti: The best person in the Bible?
Vashti refused to entertain the king's drunken guests.
The king made a feast ... seven days, in the court of the garden of the king's palace ... And they gave them drink in vessels of gold ... and royal wine in abundance.
On the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he commanded ... Vashti the queen ... with the crown royal, to shew the people and the princes her beauty: for she was fair to look on.
But the queen Vashti refused. Esther 1:5-12
Job's wife
In the book of Job, God and Satan play a cruel gambling game with the lives of Job and his family. Satan bets that Job will curse God to his face if Job's life is made unpleasant enough. So God (or Satan, it's hard to tell them apart) kills Job's family and sends various torments upon him.
Job's wife rightly says that if Job is to keep his integrity, he should curse God (for playing vicious games with Satan) and die. She is the only voice of reason in the book of Job.
Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. Job 2:9
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* God told Adam that he would die the day that he ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Yet he and Eve ate from that tree and lived another 930 years. (In the case of Adam, anyway. The Bible doesn't say how long Eve lived.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/30/2011 03:30:00 PM 38 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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28 April 2011Afterbirthers and bloody bedsheeters
From the Onion:
WASHINGTON–In the continuing controversy surrounding the president's U.S. citizenship, a new fringe group informally known as "Afterbirthers" demanded Monday the authentication of Barack Obama's placenta from his time inside his mother's womb. "All we are asking is that the president produce a sample of his fetal membranes and vessels—preferably along with a photo of the crowning and delivery—and this will all be over," said former presidential candidate and Afterbirthers spokesman Alan Keyes, later adding that his organization would be willing to settle for a half-liter of maternal cord plasma. "To this day, the American people have not seen a cervical mucus plug, let alone one that has been signed and notarized by a state-certified Hawaiian health official. If the president was indeed born in the manner in which he claims, then where is his gestation sac?" Keyes said that if Obama did not soon produce at least a bloody bedsheet from his conception, Afterbirthers would push forward with efforts to exhume the president's deceased mother and inspect the corpse's pelvic bone and birth canal.
And the bloody bedsheeters have a point here, too. If you believe in the Bible, that is.
The Bible says this about a woman that cannot produce a bloody bedsheet on her wedding night:
If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her.
... And say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid.
Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate.
...
But if ... the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel,
Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:13-21
So Alan Keyes and the bloody bedsheeters are just obeying the Bible by asking Obama to "bring forth the tokens" of his mother's virginity.
Is that too much to ask?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
April 29 note: The Onion article is not far from the truth.
Alan Keyes is demanding a forensic investigation of Obama's birth certificate.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/28/2011 03:26:00 PM 21 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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27 April 2011What really happened to Jesus
There are many beliefs in the great vat of stupidity.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/27/2011 01:06:00 PM 19 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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22 April 2011A Muslim / Mormon Good Friday to you!
We all know what Christians believe about Jesus' death. It's impossible to live in the western world without hearing the crucifixion stories, especially around this time of year.
But what about Muslims and Mormons? Do they have any cool Good Friday stories?
You betcha!
Muslims just deny the whole thing. Jesus (peanut butter and jelly be upon him) was a prophet and Allah would never allow one of his prophets to die by crucifixion. (Allah saves that for his enemies.)
No, according to the Quran, Jesus didn't die by crucifixion.
Oh sure, the Jews like to brag about crucifying Jesus (we've all heard them do that!), but they didn't really. It just looked that way to them.
And because of their saying: We slew the Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, Allah's messenger - they slew him not nor crucified him, but it appeared so unto them. 4:157a
Allah and Jesus faked the whole bloody mess. Jesus beamed up to heaven and had some stand-in do the crucifixion for him. (Some Muslims say it was Judas.)
And lo! those who disagree concerning it are in doubt thereof; they have no knowledge thereof save pursuit of a conjecture; they slew him not for certain. But Allah took him up unto Himself. 4:157b-8
And what about the Mormons? What do they believe about it?
Well, they've taken a crazy story and made it even crazier.
Remember how in the Bible story it got dark for three hours just before Jesus died? Well, in the Book of Mormon the darkness lasts for three days!
For three days there was absolutely no light -- not from the sun, moon, or stars, or from candles, campfires, or fireflies. And this was in North America!
It came to pass that there was thick darkness upon all the face of the land ... And there could be no light, because of the darkness, neither candles, neither torches; neither could there be fire kindled with their fine and exceedingly dry wood, so that there could not be any light at all; And there was not any light seen, neither fire, nor glimmer, neither the sun, nor the moon, nor the stars, for so great were the mists of darkness which were upon the face of the land ... It came to pass that it did last for the space of three days that there was no light seen. 3 Nephi 8:20-23
Of course that's not what the Bible says. Matthew, Mark, and Luke say it was dark for three hours just before Jesus died. (It's one of the few things those three guys agree on.) But that's because the evil Catholics changed the plain and precious shit in the Bible.
The Bible stories say that there was an earthquake when Jesus died. Well, the Book of Mormon tops that one, too. Not only was there an earthquake, but entire cites sunk into the ocean, were burned, or were completely destroyed. The whole earth was deformed.
The city of Zarahemla did take fire. And the city of Moroni did sink into the depths of the sea, and the inhabitants thereof were drowned. And the earth was carried up upon the city of Moronihah that in the place of the city there became a great mountain ...
The whole face of the land was changed, because of the tempest and the whirlwinds and the thunderings and the lightnings, and the exceedingly great quaking of the whole earth ...
And many great and notable cities were sunk, and many were burned, and many were shaken till the buildings thereof had fallen to the earth, and the inhabitants thereof were slain, and the places were left desolate. ...
And thus the face of the whole earth became deformed, because of the tempests, and the thunderings, and the lightnings, and the quaking of the earth. 3 Nephi 8:8-17
And you thought the zombie story in Mathew 27:52-53 was crazy!
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/22/2011 02:05:00 PM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 April 2011Vashti: The best person in the Bible
It's hard to find good people in the Bible.
There are lots of bad guys, though. Noah, Lot, Abraham, Moses, Gideon, Jephthah, Samson, Samuel, David, Elijah, Elisha, Jehu -- all are candidates for "The Worst Person in the Bible" award (or even "The Worst Person in the World," if existence isn't a criterion). Heck, even Jesus behaved badly as often as not.
But there are a few people in the Bible that can honestly be called good. And Vashti is one of them. Of course, whoever made up the story about her didn't see it that way, which just goes to show how messed up the Bible truly is.
The story takes place in the first chapter of Esther, where King Ahasuerus is getting ready to throw another party. This is a guy who liked to show off. He'd just finished displaying his riches in a 180-day feast.
In the third year of his reign, he made a feast unto all his princes and his servants; the power of Persia and Media, the nobles and princes of the provinces, being before him: When he shewed the riches of his glorious kingdom and the honour of his excellent majesty many days, even an hundred and fourscore days. Esther 1:3-4
Still, he wanted to party some more, so he invited all the men in the palace to come to a seven-day drink fest.
And when these days were expired, the king made a feast unto all the people that were present in Shushan the palace, both unto great and small, seven days, in the court of the garden of the king's palace ... And they gave them drink in vessels of gold ... and royal wine in abundance. Esther 1:5-7
On the seventh day, when he was good and drunk, the king ordered Queen Vashti to put on her crown and strut her stuff before him and his drunken male guests.
On the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he commanded ... Vashti the queen ... with the crown royal, to shew the people and the princes her beauty: for she was fair to look on. Esther 1:10-11
But she refused.
But the queen Vashti refused. Esther 1:12a
Which, of course, royally pissed off his drunken highness.
Therefore was the king very wroth, and his anger burned in him. Esther 1:12b
The king asked his wise me what to do about it.
The king said to the wise men ... What shall we do unto the queen Vashti according to law, because she hath not performed the commandment of the king? Esther 1:13-15
The wise men told the king that Vashti's offense wasn't just against him, but against every man in the kingdom. For if the king can't force his own wife to do whatever disgusting thing he wants, how will regular guys be able to do it?
Vashti the queen hath not done wrong to the king only, but also to all the princes, and to all the people ... For this deed of the queen shall come abroad unto all women, so that they shall despise their husbands in their eyes, when it shall be reported, The king Ahasuerus commanded Vashti the queen to be brought in before him, but she came not. Esther 1:16-17
The solution, they said, was to banish (or refuse to have sex with, or imprison, or kill, or whatever) Vashti and give her crown to a woman "better [prettier] than she."
Let there go a royal commandment ... That Vashti come no more before king Ahasuerus; and let the king give her royal estate unto another that is better than she. Esther 1:19
So all the fair young virgins throughout the kingdom were brought before the king, and the one that "pleaseth" the king the most replaced Vashti.
Let there be fair young virgins sought for the king ... that they may gather together all the fair young virgins ... And let the maiden which pleaseth the king be queen instead of Vashti. Esther 2:2-4
And the king sent out a royal decree to everyone throughout the kingdom commanding all wives to honor and obey their husbands, "both great and small" so that "every man should bear rule in his own house."
The king's decree [that] ... all the wives shall give to their husbands honour, both to great and small ... that every man should bear rule in his own house. Esther 1:20-22
That's all the Bible says about Vashti.
Not much to go on, is it? A queen who had the courage to refuse to entertain her husband's drunken guests. But can you think of another Bible character that is more worthy of "The Best Person is the Bible" award?
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/16/2011 10:30:00 AM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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10 April 2011Should Christians grow the word of God by burning the Quran?
Here's what the Bible says about it:
Many of them also which used curious arts brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. So mightily grew the word of God and prevailed. Acts 19:19-20
And here is the Brick Testament story:
The first book burning
The early Christians mightily grew the word of God and prevailed by burning the books of their competitors. If the Quran had of been around at the time, would they have burned it, too?
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/10/2011 07:08:00 PM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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08 April 2011Read before burning
I think I've found the solution to the read or burn problem with scripture.
My first reaction was the politically and religiously correct suggestion to read it, don't burn it. And I still think that it's a good idea to read it.
But while reading, apply the newest and most ancient principle of scriptural interpretation, which is this:
Any scripture that includes verses that breed violence, hatred or disdain is illegitimate.
So if you find in the scripture that you're reading verses that breed violence, hatred, or disdain, reject that scripture as illegitimate.
Of course, what you do with illegitimate scripture is your own damned business. But burning seems like a reasonable option.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/08/2011 11:56:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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The Sovereign Lord says, "Beck will lift up my banner to the people."
Jon Stewart spent his whole show last saying goodbye to Glenn Beck. And it was worth every minute of it. It was all great, of course, but the part I liked best was his quote of Isaiah 49:22.
Here it is in the King James Version:
Thus saith the Lord GOD, Behold, I will lift up mine hand to the Gentiles, and set up my standard to the people: and they shall bring thy sons in their arms, and thy daughters shall be carried upon their shoulders.
But that's not what he quoted from. He used the New International Version (NIV), which reads this way:
This is what the Sovereign LORD says: "See, I will beckon to the Gentiles, I will lift up my banner to the peoples; they will bring your sons in their arms and carry your daughters on their shoulders.
Which, with a little erasing, became this:
...the Sovereign LORD says: "... Beck... will lift up my banner to the people...." Isaiah 49:22
I can't find a way to embed the video here, but here's a link.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/08/2011 11:08:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Applying Karen Armstrong’s new ancient principle of scriptural interpretation
Here it is in all its glory, as expressed in The Charter For Compassion:
We therefore call upon all men and women ~ to restore compassion to the centre of morality and religion ~ to return to the ancient principle that any interpretation of scripture that breeds violence, hatred or disdain is illegitimate.
Now let's apply Armstrong's new ancient principle to these scriptures.
If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known ... thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 13:6-10
As for those who disbelieve, garments of fire will be cut out for them; boiling fluid will be poured down on their heads, Whereby that which is in their bellies, and their skins too, will be melted; And for them are hooked rods of iron. Quran 22:19-21
He had caused the cursing to come upon them... that ... wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome ... God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them ... that they shall be loathsome unto thy people. 2 Nephi 5:21-22
I can't find a way to apply the new ancient principle of scriptural interpretation to these verses.
So I hereby proclaim an even newer and more ancient principle of scriptural interpretation.
Any scripture that breeds violence, hatred or disdain is illegitimate.
That way we remove all of the verses that breed violence, hatred or disdain from the Bible, the Quran, and the Book of Mormon.
But I have an even better idea: the newest and most ancient principle of scriptural interpretation.
Any scripture that includes verses that breed violence, hatred or disdain is illegitimate.
That way we can throw the Bible, Quran, and Book of Mormon in the trash.
(Or burn them. Your choice.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/08/2011 08:42:00 AM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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06 April 2011The Best Book in the Bible (revisited again)
(Updated to include the recent Genesis - Ecclesiastes SAB revision.)
In my last post I tried to find a way to measure the goodness of the books in the "Good Book", but I wasn't completely satisfied with the results. So here's one more try. Let me know if you have any suggestions.
In the SAB, I identify the Bible's verses that contain good advice about how we should live our lives, whatever our religious views might be. For example, I think it's a good idea to try, at least as much as possible, to treat others kindly. So I include Leviticus 19:18 ("Love thy neighbor as thyself") in the "Good Stuff". Of course, not all the verses that I've marked good are as good as this verse, but I marked them good because they seemed (at least somewhat) good to me.
So take a look at the SAB's good stuff to see if you agree, at least most of the time, that the verses that I've marked good are, in fact, good. If so, then the following analysis should be reasonable for you as well.
I began my analysis by plotting the number of good things in each book of the Bible. (Of the 66 books in the Bible, there were 30 in which I could find nothing good.)
When size is taken into account, Ecclesiastes is the best (36.0 good passages/ 100 verses), with Proverbs second at 20.4. So Ecclesiastes has more good stuff (per 100 verses) than any other book in the Bible.
But what about all the bad stuff in the Bible? Shouldn't we try to find a way to rate the goodness of a book by weighing both the book's good and bad?
The simplest solution, I think, is to count up the good things in each book and subtract the bad. The result is the net good. (I totaled cruelty, injustice, intolerance, bad family values, insults to women and homosexuals to get the number of bad things, since the verses marked with these categories are all morally objectionable.)
When I did that, I found that there are only three good books in the Bible: Ecclesiastes (of course), Proverbs, and James. Three others have a zero net goodness. The other 60 books are all more bad than good.
Other goodness metrics that might be useful are the percentage of marked passages that are good and the net good number of passages per 100 verses. Since there are only three books with a positive net goodness, we can limit our analysis to these three.
Here is a table that summarizes the data. Ecclesiastes Proverbs James
Good 80 187 13
Bad 1 75 9
Net good 79 112 4
verses 222 915 108
net good/100 verses 35.6 12.2 3.7
Percent good of (good and bad) highlighted verses 98.8 71.4 59.1
good/bad 80 2.5 1.4
So no matter how you look at it, Ecclesiastes is by far the best (and pretty much the only good) book in the the Bible.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/06/2011 12:15:00 PM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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05 April 2011The Best Book in the Bible
(Re-post after revising Genesis - Ecclesiastes. I'll do it again when I get through Revelation.)
What is the best book in the Bible?
Well, that, of course, depends on how you define "best".
One way to try to determine it, though, would be to identify all the passages in the Bible that contain ideas that you consider good, and then compare the number of good passages found in each book of the Bible.
That's easy for me to do, since I have already marked as "good stuff" everything I can honestly call good in the Bible. Here are the Bible's books ranked according to the number of good passages.
So Proverbs, at 187, has the most good stuff.
But Proverbs is a fairly large book, with 31 chapters and 915 verses. How would it look if we adjusted the good stuff rankings to acount for the size of the book?
Here's the list when adjusted for size (number of good passages per 100 verses).
When we adjust for size, then, Ecclesiastes is by far the best book in the Bible (36.0 good passages / 100 verses).
(The overall average for the Bible is 1.5 good passages / 100 verses.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/05/2011 02:36:00 PM 35 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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02 April 2011Which is more violent, the Bible or the Quran?
(Repost with updated numbers and graphs on 2 April 2011.)
The LORD is a man of war. Exodus 15:3
Fight in the way of Allah. Quran 2:244
Which is more violent, the Bible or the Quran? Is there a way to objectively answer such a question?
Well, it wouldn't be easy. But it is possible to compare the amount of cruelty and violence in the two books.
Here is a summary of the highlighted verses in the SAB and SAQ. Number of Cruel or Violent Passages
Bible 1214
Quran 527
So the Bible has more than twice as many cruel or violent passages as does the Quran. But the Bible is a much bigger book. How do they compare when size is taken into account?
Violence and Cruelty Total verses Percent
Bible 1214 31173 3.89
Quran 527 6236 8.45
When expressed as a percentage of cruel or violent verses (at least as marked in the SAB/Q), the Quran has more than twice that of the Bible. (8.45 vs. 3.89%)
Of course this analysis does not consider the extent of the cruelty in the marked passages. And that is an important consideration. Is Numbers 31:14-18, for example, more cruel than Quran 5:34? That is something that each person must decide.
A good argument could be made that either book is the most violent and cruel book ever written. The award would go to one or the other, for neither has any close competitors.
It is frightening to think that more than half of the world's population believes in one or the other.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/02/2011 10:12:00 AM 259 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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01 April 2011The Quran made them do it.
Earlier today a mob in Afghanistan attacked a United Nations compound, killing at least 8 workers. Two of the victims were reportedly beheaded.
The crowd was reacting to a Quran burning on March 20th by a US fundamentalist Christian pastor named Terry Jones.
What would make people behave in this way, you wonder?
The book that Terry Jones burned. That's what.
Here is what the Quran says about beheading people.
I will throw fear into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Then smite the necks and smite of them each finger. That is because they opposed Allah and His messenger. Whoso opposeth Allah and His messenger, (for him) lo! Allah is severe in punishment.Quran 8:12-13
Now when ye meet in battle those who disbelieve, then it is smiting of the necks ... if Allah willed He could have punished them (without you) but (thus it is ordained) that He may try some of you by means of others. And those who are slain in the way of Allah, He rendereth not their actions vain. Quran 47:4
The mob was just doing what Allah told them to do in the Quran: to strike fear into the hearts of unbelievers by smiting their necks. (The news reports didn't say anything about smiting unbelievers' fingers.)
The whole thing has made me change my mind about Quran burning.
A while back I wrote a post entitled, "Don't burn the Quran. Read it." But a book that tells its followers to strike fear into the hearts of unbelievers by beheading them is a book that no one should read or respect.
Go ahead and burn the damned thing. The world would be much better without it.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/01/2011 02:00:00 PM 13 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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31 May 2011The Egyptian military and the Bible agree: Sometimes virginity tests are necessary
Earlier this spring, the Egyptian military arrested women demonstrators in Tahrir Square and subjected them to "virginity tests." According to an Egyptian general, these tests were done for two reasons: 1) to prove that the Egyptian authorities didn't rape the women, and 2) to prove that the women were prostitutes.
And the test worked like a charm. All of the women failed the test, proving that they were prostitutes (since they were non-virgins) and that the authorities did not rape them (since you can't rape a woman who is not a virgin).
Since Egypt is a predominantly Muslim country, I thought I'd check to see if the Quran mentions virginity testing. It doesn't, so far as I can tell.
But the Bible does.
Here, for example, is how Moses told his military leaders to apply virginity tests on Midianite women. (God's 26th Killing)
Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore ... kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Numbers 31:14-18
I suspect that the test procedure was similar to the Egyptian military's, but the outcome was different. The Egyptians tortured, terrorized, and humiliated women prisoners; the Israelites killed those who failed the test and enslaved (and raped) those that passed.
The same test was used in Judges 21, where the non-Benjamite Israelites were looking for wives for the Benjamites after their unsuccessful God-inspired genocide attempt. (It's a long story, see here for the details.)
Go and smite the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead with the edge of the sword, with the women and the children ... utterly destroy every male, and every woman that hath lain by man. And they found among the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead four hundred young virgins, that had known no man by lying with any male: and they brought them unto the camp to Shiloh. Judges 21:10-12
And, of course, virginity testing is required whenever a woman gets married. If she passes (by providing "the tokens of her virginity"), she becomes the possession of her husband; if she fails, the men of her city stone her to death.
If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel's father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her; And, lo, he hath given occasions of speech against her, saying, I found not thy daughter a maid; and yet these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city. And the elders of that city shall take that man and chastise him; And they shall amerce him in an hundred shekels of silver, and give them unto the father of the damsel, because he hath brought up an evil name upon a virgin of Israel: and she shall be his wife; he may not put her away all his days. But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you. Deuteronomy 22:13-21
"Virginity tests" are a degrading form of torture that should be condemned by everyone, regardless of nationality or religious belief.
But how can a Bible believer condemn such tests when they are approved and promoted by the Bible?
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/31/2011 05:30:00 PM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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26 May 2011Hasa Diga Eebowai!
To listen to the other songs in "The Book of Mormon" click here.
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/26/2011 04:43:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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23 May 2011Zephaniah 1:2-3: After the Rapture (whenever that may be), God will kill every living thing
I will utterly consume all things from off the land, saith the LORD. I will consume man and beast; I will consume the fowls of the heaven, and the fishes of the sea. Zephaniah 1:2-3
(You might not be able to tell just from reading it, but this passage shows God's concern for the environment and his attitude toward poverty and justice. That's why it is highlighted in both the Green Bible and the Poverty and Justice Bible.)
God is going to burn to death every living thing on earth, as he explains in Zephaniah 3:8 (which is also highlighted in the P&J Bible).
All the earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy.
Christians aren't bothered by this, though, since it won't happen until after the Rapture. They'll be in heaven, while everyone and everything else is "devoured with the fire of [God's] jealousy."
So it all works out fine in the end. God's justice, concern for the environment, and his love for humanity will be clearly shown when he burns everyone and everything on earth (except the Bible-believers, of course).
That is why believers have been saying for nearly 2000 years, and still say today, "Come Lord Jesus!" They are looking forward to the day and the hour that Harold Camping tried to predict.
(Mr. Camping has a new date, by the way -- October 21, 2011.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/23/2011 05:37:00 PM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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20 May 2011Let the scoffing begin!
There shall come in the last days scoffers ... saying, Where is the promise of his coming? for since the fathers fell asleep, all things continue as they were from the beginning of the creation. 2 Peter 3:3-4
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/20/2011 06:23:00 PM 39 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 May 2011Zimri burns to death
Remember Zimri? The guy that killed Baasha’s wall-pissingfamily and friends for God? Well, now it’s his turn. What goes around, comes around – a lot in the Bible!
After Zimri killed Elah (Baasha’s son), he replaced him as king of Israel.
In the twenty and sixth year of Asa king of Judah began Elah to reign over Israel … And his servant Zimri, captain of half his chariots, conspired against him, as he was in Tirzah, drinking himself drunk ... And Zimri went in and smote him, and killed him … and reigned in his stead. 1 Kings 16.8-10
It didn’t last long though, just long enough to perform his mission from God.
As soon as he sat on his throne … he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends. Thus did Zimri destroy all the house of Baasha, according to the word of the LORD. 16.11-12
A week later, the people of Israel chose Omri as king.
In the twenty and seventh year of Asa king of Judah did Zimri reign seven days in Tirzah. And the people … made Omri, the captain of the host, king over Israel. 16.15-16
And then, of course, Omri, along with everyone in Israel, went to pay Zimri a visit.
And Omri … and all Israel with him … beseiged Tirzah. 16.17
When Zimri saw Omri and “all Israel” attacking, he burned himself to death.
When Zimri saw that the city was taken, that he went into the palace of the king's house, and burnt the king's house over him with fire, and died. 16.18
God was pleased with the way the whole thing turned out. Zimri burned to death for “doing evil in the sight of the Lord.”
For his sins which he sinned in doing evil in the sight of the LORD, in walking in the way of Jeroboam, and in his sin which he did, to make Israel to sin. 16.18-19
The Bible doesn’t say what the evil was. The only thing that we know about Zimri is that he murdered Baasha’s son, Elah, and all of Baasha’s wall-pissing family and friends.
But that wasn’t evil, since God wanted them killed. So what was it?
Maybe Zimri had some golden calves in his closet or something.
God's next killing: The drought of Elijah
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/18/2011 10:58:00 AM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 May 2011Leaders in Free Thought intervew
I've been away for a while, revising the SAB, trying to get it ready to publish in book form. I have a little hermitage (trailer, really) by the lake where I go to get things done. This trip it was Lamentations, Ezekiel, Daniel, Hosea, Joel, and Amos. I've updated the SAB accordingly.
So that's why I haven't been posting lately. And if you've submitted a comment and found that it hasn't been posted, well blame it on my cell phone (or me). The only internet access I have at the hermitage is a smart phone, and I'm a bit of a clutz in punching buttons on it. So sometimes when I wanted to press "publish" I got "delete" instead. Sorry about that. Re-submit and hope I push the right button this time.
Meanwhile, here's an interview that I did with Leaders in Free Thought.
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/16/2011 03:55:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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06 May 2011Take the Sam Harris challenge: Improve the Bible, Quran, and Book of Mormon in less than five minutes
The truth is that religion, as we speak of it (Islam, Christianity, Judaism), is based on the claim that God dictates certain books. He doesn't code software; he doesn't produce films; he doesn't score symphonies. He is an author. And this claim has achieved credibility because these works are so profound that they could not possibly have been written by human authors.
...
How difficult would it be to improve the Bible?
Anyone in this room could improve the supposedly inerrant text scientifically, historically, ethically, or spiritually in a moment.
OK, so let's try to improve the Bible. I'll start by suggesting that the following passage be deleted.
If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;
Namely, of the gods of the people which are round about you, nigh unto thee, or far off from thee, from the one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth;
Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him:
But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.
And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 13:6-10
That's much better. A kind and loving God wouldn't tell us to kill our family and friends for disagreeing with us about religion.
What about the Quran? Could that be improved?
How about removing this verse?
Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath made the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded. As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds apart, and scourge them. Then if they obey you, seek not a way against them. Lo! Allah is ever High, Exalted, Great. Quran 4:34
There. Now men can't claim it's OK to beat their wives for being disobedient. That's quite an improvement, I'd say.
And now for the Book of Mormon.
I nominate the following verses for removal.
And he had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them.
And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people, save they shall repent of their iniquities.
And cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. And the Lord spake it, and it was done. 2 Nephi 5:21-23
Now the LDS church doesn't have as much to be embarrassed about.
And now it's your turn. Spend a few minutes improving these three perfect books.
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/06/2011 05:44:00 PM 51 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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29 June 2011What the Bible says about Liberals (and why Todd Akin should become one)
Congressmen Todd Akin (R-MO) recently said this about liberals:
At the heart of liberalism really is a hatred for God.
So I thought I'd check to see what the Bible says about them. Here's what I found.
God makes liberals fat.
The liberal soul shall be made fat. -- Proverbs 11:25
And since being fat is is sure sign of righteousness in the eyes of God, liberals are righteous people.
The righteous shall flourish like the palm tree ... they shall be fat and flourishing. -- Psalm 92:12-14
Liberals are not lying, churlish, vile, villainous hypocrites that steal from the poor and hungry. (Guess who that would be.)
The vile person shall be no more called liberal ... For the vile person will speak villany, and his heart will work iniquity, to practise hypocrisy ... to make empty the soul of the hungry, and he will cause the drink of the thirsty to fail. The instruments also of the churl are evil: he deviseth wicked devices to destroy the poor with lying words. -- Isaiah 32:5-7
Liberals distribute wealth from the rich to the poor.
For your liberal distribution ... unto all men ... Thanks be unto God. -- 2 Corinthians 9:13-15
And lastly, liberals devise and stand for liberal things.
The liberal deviseth liberal things; and by liberal things shall he stand. -- Isaiah 32:8
God loves liberals. Todd Akin should become one. Then God would love him, too.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/29/2011 08:27:00 AM 31 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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28 June 2011A Mormon just believes.
Have you noticed the Mormon reaction to the Tony-winning Broadway musical The Book of Mormon? Probably not. There wasn't much of one.
Mormons haven't tried to defend themselves by claiming that it got things wrong. And that is because it didn't. Mormons believe what The Book of Mormon claims they do.
Take the song, I Believe, for example. Here are some of the lyrics.
I believe that ancient Jews built boats and sailed to America.
That is a fair summary of entire Book of Mormon. Ancient Jews sailed to America and separated into two groups: one "fair and delightsome" to God, the other evil and dark-skinned. (God darkened their skin to punish them for their disbelief and to discourage intermarriage with the white folk.) The dark-skinned Jews killed off all their white relatives and thereby became the ancestors of today's Native Americans.
I believe that in 1978 God changed his mind about black people.
Here is what God said in 1949 through the First Presidency under George Albert Smith:
The attitude of the Church with reference to the Negroes remains as it has always stood. It is not a matter of the declaration of a policy but of direct commandment from the Lord, on which is founded the doctrine of the Church from the days of its organization, to the effect that Negroes may become members of the Church but that they are not entitled to the Priesthood at the present time. The prophets of the Lord have made several statements as to the operation of the principle. President Brigham Young said: "Why are so many of the inhabitants of the earth cursed with a skin of blackness? It comes in consequence of their fathers rejecting the power of the holy priesthood, and the law of God. They will go down to death. And when all the rest of the children have received their blessings in the holy priesthood, then that curse will be removed from the seed of Cain, and they will then come up and possess the priesthood, and receive all the blessings which we now are entitled to."
And here is what God said after changing his mind in 1978:
He has heard our prayers, and by revelation has confirmed that the long-promised day has come when every faithful, worthy man in the church may receive the Holy Priesthood, with power to exercise its divine authority, and enjoy with his loved ones every blessing that follows there from, including the blessings of the temple. Accordingly, all worthy male members of the church may be ordained to the priesthood without regard for race or color. Priesthood leaders are instructed to follow the policy of carefully interviewing all candidates for ordination to either the Aaronic or the Melchizedek Priesthood to insure that they meet the established standards for worthiness.
I believe that God lives on a planet called Kolob.
You can read all about it in chapter 3 of the Book of Abraham.
And I believe that the garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri.
This one is less clear to me, but there's no doubt about it among Mormons.
Here is the secret code left by Joseph Smith identifying Independence, Missouri in Jackson County as the original Garden of Eden. (Mormons believe "the center place" to be the Garden of Eden. You'll just have to trust them on that.)
Hearken, O ye elders of my church, sayeth the Lord your God, who have assembled yourselves together, according to my commandments, in this land, which is the land of Missouri, which is the land which I have appointed and consecrated for the gathering of saints.
Wherefore, this is the land of promise, and the place for the city of Zion.
Thus saith the Lord your God, if you will receive wisdom here is wisdom. Behold, the place which is now called Independence is the center place; a a spot for the temple is lying westward, upon a lot which is not far from the court-house. -- Doctrine and Covenants 57:1-3
Richard Bushman, the Howard W. Hunter Visiting Professor of Mormon Studies at Claremont Graduate University in California, claims that "The Book of Mormon is like looking into a fun-house mirror; the reflection is hilarious but not really you."
But it is you, Dr. Bushman. It is you, and all Mormons like you, that believe the things you believe. You may not recognize yourself, since you've never looked at your beliefs in a flat mirror before. But your beliefs are bat-shit crazy, as anyone viewing them from the outside knows immediately.
And you seem to understand it, too, when you say this about The Book of Mormon:
I suppose it seems obvious to many people that a moment’s reflection about personal planets, Kolob, and the Garden of Eden in Missouri will plant doubts. Any rational person in the modern world who thinks about such outlandish ideas for one second will see they are preposterous. Mormons can’t think about their faith; they must “just believe.”
I agree with you here. It is obvious to any rational person after a moment's reflection that Mormon beliefs about personal planets, Kolob, the Missouri Garden of Eden are preposterous. Mormons can't think rationally about their faith; they must just believe.
And as long as they just believe, we will just laugh at them.
If Mormons don't like people laughing at them for believing stupid things, they should stop believing stupid things.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/28/2011 04:12:00 PM 11 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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27 June 2011The Periodic Table of Atheists
I'm number 65, which I guess makes me Terbium, the rarest of the rare earth elements. Or something like that.
Actually, though, my symbol is Ab, which is probably for "Annotated Bible" in the SAB, since, as you remember from your Chemistry class, only two letters are allowed for element symbols (S is taken by Sam Harris, and Sa by Carl Sagan). I'm grouped in "the wicked of the web," along with Sc (Skepchick, Rebecca Wastson), Bh (Blag Hag, Jen McCreight), Ec (Edward Current), and Md (Mr. Deity, Brian Keith Dalton). I am in very good company!
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/27/2011 08:46:00 AM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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21 June 20112011 Absurdities in the Bible
Sorry for not posting more lately, but I've been revising the SAB, getting it ready to publish it in book form. I'm now working my way through the gospel of John, and I just noticed that the total number of absurdities is 2011.
Here's a link: 2011 Absurdities in the Bible.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/21/2011 12:09:00 PM 16 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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08 June 2011Forget Camping: What Jesus said about the end of the world
OK, so now that we know all about Paul Revere's ride and Anthony's weener, let's get back to more important things. Like the end of the world.
Last month (seems longer ago than that, doesn't it?), Harold Camping predicted that the world would end at 6 pm local time on May 21, 2011. He figured it would have to happen then since it was exactly 7000 years after it started raining on Noah's ark.
He'd have never made that mistake, if he'd just listened to Jesus.
Here's what Jesus said about the end of the world.
(The synoptic gospels disagree a bit about the order of events, but this list is as close as I could get to what Jesus supposedly said.)
Before the end comes the following things must happen:
Many false Christs and false prophets will show off signs and wonders that will deceive many people. Some will claim the end is near. Don't believe them.
Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. Matthew 24:5
Many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. Matthew 24:11
If any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect. Matthew 24:23-24
Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. Mark 13:6
Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and the time draweth near: go ye not therefore after them. Luke 21:8
(I haven't noticed many "false Christs" or "great signs and wonders" lately, though there have been a few like Harold Camping, Hal Lindsey, William Miller, and the Jehovah's Witnesses that have said "the time draweth near." But they've been doing that forever. And they're always wrong.)
There will be wars, rumors of wars, and commotions. (Ignore all that.)
Ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. Matthew 24:6
Ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars, be ye not troubled: for such things must needs be; but the end shall not be yet. Mark 13:7
When ye shall hear of wars and commotions, be not terrified: for these things must first come to pass; but the end is not by and by. Luke 21:9
(There will be wars. OK, he was right about that. But it hasn't been very helpful in setting the date for the end of the world.)
There will be earthquakes, famines, troubles, pestilences, fearful sights, and great signs from heaven. (This is just the beginning of sorrows.)
There shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places. All these are the beginning of sorrows. Matthew 24:7-8
There shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows. Mark 13:8
Great earthquakes shall be in divers places, and famines, and pestilences; and fearful sights and great signs shall there be from heaven. Luke 21:11
(This is one of the stupidest things Jesus is said to have said. There have always been earthquakes, diseases, etc. Couldn't God find a better way to communicate with us?)
Believers will be arrested, beaten, persecuted, and killed by Jews and kings.
Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you. Matthew 24:9
They shall deliver you up to councils; and in the synagogues ye shall be beaten: and ye shall be brought before rulers and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them. Mark 13:9
They shall lay their hands on you, and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues, and into prisons, being brought before kings and rulers for my name's sake. Luke 21:12
(This one has happened now and then, and still happens today in some parts of the world, though not noticeably more today than in in the past. But when did Jews persecute Christians? Seems like Jesus got this one backwards.)
But not a hair on a believer's head will perish. (Even if they are killed.)
But there shall not an hair of your head perish. Luke 21:18
(Since the visible part of hair is dead, I suppose Jesus was sort of right about this one. I guess the end is near.)
Believers will be hated by everyone (for Christ's sake).
Ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. Matthew 24:9
Ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake. Mark 13:13
Ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake. Luke 21:17
(The religious right in the United States is starting to make this one come true.)
Believers will hate one another.
Then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. Matthew 24:10
(Believers have been fighting among themselves since the time Jesus supposedly said this, but less today than in the past.)
Friends and family will betray each other and some will be put to death.
Now the brother shall betray the brother to death, and the father the son; and children shall rise up against their parents, and shall cause them to be put to death. Mark 13:12
Ye shall be betrayed both by parents, and brethren, and kinsfolks, and friends; and some of you shall they cause to be put to death. Luke 21:16
(Have believers been betraying their family and friends to avoid persecution lately?)
Iniquity will abound and love wax cold. (But don't worry. If you make it this far, you'll be saved.)
Iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. Matthew 24:12-13
He that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. Mark 13:13
(Is there more iniquity or less love than usual? I hadn't noticed. Still, I am encouraged since I've endured this far. I guess I'm saved after all.)
The gospel will be preached to all nations (and then the end will come).
This gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come. Matthew 24:14
The gospel must first be published among all nations. Mark 13:10
(This one happened a long time ago. Paul even claimed it had happened back in his day. The entire world is sick of hearing about Jesus. Stop already!)
The abomination of desolations will be displayed where it shouldn't be. (When you see this, it's time to head for the hills. Whoso readeth, let him understand.)
When ye ... see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:) Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains:Matthew 24:15-16
When ye shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, standing where it ought not, (let him that readeth understand,) then let them that be in Judaea flee to the mountains. Mark 13:14
(Nobody knows what the hell Jesus was talking about here.)
Pregnant and nursing women will be especially screwed.
Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Matthew 24:19
Woe to them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Mark 13:17
Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck, in those days! for there shall be great distress in the land, and wrath upon this people. Luke 21:23
(I suppose this one has always been true.)
Jerusalem will be trampled by non-Jews (until the time of the Gentiles be fulfilled).
Jerusalem shall be trodden down of the Gentiles, until the times of the Gentiles be fulfilled. Luke 21:24
(I don't know what to make of this one. Has the time of the non-Jews been fulfilled?)
It will be bloody hell out there.
Then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be. Matthew 24:21
In those days shall be affliction, such as was not from the beginning of the creation which God created unto this time, neither shall be. Mark 13:19
(I just checked and it looks pretty nice out there. Don't think this one has happened yet.)
Everyone will be afraid of everything.
Men's hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth: for the powers of heaven shall be shaken. Luke 21:26
(There's plenty of fear today, but is there any more than usual? And I'm pretty sure the powers of heaven haven't been shaken.)
The sun and moon will darken, the stars will fall down from the sky, the powers of heaven will shake, and waves on the sea will roar.
The sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken. Matthew 24:29
The stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken. Mark 13:25
And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring; Luke 21:25
(Jesus was talking about things that he knew nothing about. Ignore him.)
Then, and only then, will Jesus come in all his glory.
As the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Matthew 24:27
Then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory. Matthew 24:30
And then shall they see the Son of man coming in the clouds with great power and glory. Mark 13:26
And then shall they see the Son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. Luke 21:26
(Everyone will get to see Jesus come. He'll come in the clouds like lightning, with one great and powerful splurge of omnipotence. Don't miss it.)
And he'll come within the lifetime of his contemporaries.
Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. Matthew 24:34
Verily I say unto you, that this generation shall not pass, till all these things be done. Mark 13:30
Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass away, till all be fulfilled. Luke 21:32
(Crap! We all missed it. It all happened nearly 2000 years ago. Oh well.)
So there you have it. That is what Jesus supposedly said about his own second coming and the end of the world. And he ought to know.
Except that it turns out he didn't. He had no idea when he was scheduled to return. Here's what he said about it (after he told everyone when he'd return).
Of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. Mark 13:32
So forget Harold Camping. And forget Jesus, too.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/08/2011 10:29:00 AM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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01 June 2011The Pakistani Clerics are right: The Bible is blasphemy (Try reading Genesis 19 sometime)
A group of Islamic clerics wants the Pakistani Supreme Court to rule certain Bible passages blasphemous. They say that these passages present some of the prophets of Islam as being just a tad shy of completely virtuous.
Take Lot, for example. Lot is a prophet of Islam and is, therefore, a perfect example of moral virtue.
But that's not how he's portrayed in the Bible. I'll let Professor Brothers tell you the story from Genesis 19.
Now if that isn't blasphemy, I don't know what is.
But Muslims aren't bothered by Professor Brothers' story. They couldn't be, since the same story is told in the Quran.
When Our messengers came unto Lot, he was distressed and knew not how to protect them. ... And his people came unto him, running towards him - and before then they used to commit abominations - He said: O my people! Here are my daughters! They are purer for you. Beware of Allah, and degrade me not in (the person of) my guests. Is there not among you any upright man? Quran 11:77-78
When the messengers came unto the family of Lot ... And the people of the city came, rejoicing at the news (of new arrivals). He said: Lo! they are my guests. Affront me not! ... He said: Here are my daughters, if ye must be doing (so). Quran 15:61-71
No, it wasn't that Lot offered his virgin daughters to a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers. That was perfectly virtuous. It was the rest of the story in Genesis 19, the part that Professor Brothers just couldn't make himself tell.
Here is the blasphemous bit that upsets the Muslim clerics.
I guess getting drunk and impregnating your daughters is not considered virtuous to Muslims. (It doesn't bother Christians, though. They believe messed-up Bible story #7, and yet still consider Lot a "just and righteous man.")
Muslims deny Lot's drunken incestuous couple of nights in the cave. They say it didn't happen and anyone that says it did commits blasphemy (and must, therefore, be killed). Which means, of course, that Genesis 19:30-38 is blasphemy.
And the Bible has to be banned.
Oh well.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/01/2011 03:31:00 PM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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23 July 2011Gobsmacked by the nasty bits of the Bible
The Reverend Geraint ap lorwert, rector of the St Peter ad Vincula Church in Pennal, Wales, began re-reading the Bible in Lent and was "gobsmacked" by the cruelty that he found within. So he cut out the "nasty bits" and displayed them on what he calls "the wall of shame."
He also included whatever good bits he could find, burning the remaining scraps as a testament to the "cruel and vile God" of the Bible, saying "the King James Bible should be praised for its language but not for the God it represents."
The result is sort of a condensed, artistic version of the SAB.
Posted by Steve Wells at 7/23/2011 09:22:00 AM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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20 July 2011God has renamed Campus Crusade for Christ
It's now Cru.
“We believe wholeheartedly that God has given us this new name,” said Steve Sellers, vice president for the U.S. for Campus Crusade for Christ.
God gave the original name (Campus Crusade for Christ) to Bill Bright back in 1951, but God figures it's time to rename it now. Having the word "campus" or "crusade" or "Christ" in it just doesn't sound right to the big guy anymore.
So on Tuesday, God chose a new name from over 1600 suggested, using the same method that he used to replace Judas after Judas hung himself and/or splattered his guts on the ground: he put all the names in a hat and picked the winner.
And God picked "Cru."
God knows what "cru" means, but he's not telling. It isn't short for "Crusade," though, if that's what you're thinking. "Crusade is a 1970s kind of word," as Robert Stewart, the executive director of the Christian Service Center for Central Florida, explained. It's outdated and God doesn't like it anymore.
So now it's just "cru."
(Or maybe "Cru for you-know-who")
Posted by Steve Wells at 7/20/2011 07:04:00 AM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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13 July 2011The Bible's solution to the debt crisis: First Timothy 5 - 6
Republicans and Democrats just can't seem to find a solution to the debt crisis. That's because they are ignoring what the Bible has to say about it. Because the perfect compromise can be found in 1 Timothy 5 and 6.
Chapter 5 should please the Republicans.
The author (I'll call him "Paul" since that's who he claimed to be, though he probably wasn't) explains precisely who should, and who should not, be helped. His focus was on widows, but the same principles could be applied to all.
The first thing Paul does is distinguish between "widows indeed" and other types of widows. Widows indeed (true widows) should be honored (given public assistance).
Honour widows that are widows indeed. 1 Timothy 5:3
But which widows are "widows indeed?"
Paul has a list of ten requirements. A widow is a widow indeed if she:
Has no living children or nephews. (If the widow has any living children or nephews, it is their responsibility to take care of her.)
But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents. 1 Timothy 5:4
Is desolate, trusts in God, and prays all the time.
Now she that is a widow indeed, and desolate, trusteth in God, and continueth in supplications and prayers night and day. 1 Timothy 5:5
Is not living in pleasure.
(A widow living in pleasure is the living dead.)
But she that liveth in pleasure is dead while she liveth. 1 Timothy 5:6
Is over 60 years old.
Let not a widow be taken into the number under threescore years old. 1 Timothy 5:9a
Had only one husband.
(A woman who has buried two husbands wouldn't qualify.)
Having been the wife of one man. 1 Timothy 5:9b
Has raised children.
(No barren or selfish, childless women need apply.)
If she have brought up children. 1 Timothy 5:10
Has lodged strangers.
If she have lodged strangers. 1 Timothy 5:10
Has washed the saints' feet.
If she have washed the saints' feet. 1 Timothy 5:10
Has relieved the afflicted.
If she have relieved the afflicted. 1 Timothy 5:10
Has diligently followed every good work.
If she have diligently followed every good work. 1 Timothy 5:10
Applying Paul's rules for widows would greatly reduce the number of widows that would qualify for public assistance. The same approach when extended to all seniors would result in the 1 Timothy 5 plan for Medicare -- which is the Paul Ryan plan. (No medicare at all.)
The money that is saved from the 1 Timothy 5/Paul (the Apostle) Ryan Medicare Plan could be applied to reducing the deficit -- or (more likely) giving tax cuts to wealthy individuals and corporations ("the job creators"). The "public assistance for job creators" plan should easily pass the House. I think it already has.
And now for the Democratic Plan.
It can stated in just two verses from 1 Timothy 6.
Charge them that are rich ... that they be ... ready to distribute. 1 Timothy 6:17-18
OK, never mind. Screw the compromise. Let's just go with 1 Timothy 6 plan. (If we can stay away from the first two verses, that is.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 7/13/2011 07:54:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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03 July 2011What the Bible says about the Republican Primary
It should be easy for Republicans to select a candidate for president.
Just let God do it for them.
The only problem with that is this: God has already endorsed several, if not all, of the candidates.
Fortunately, the Bible has a foolproof procedure guaranteed to work even when God can't make up his own mind. It's called a lottery.
That's how God selected the first king of Israel. Here's how it worked.
God told the people to present themselves to him by tribe and clan ("thousands").
Samuel called the people together unto the LORD ... And said unto the children of Israel, Thus saith the LORD ... present yourselves before the LORD by your tribes, and by your thousands. 1 Samuel 10:17-19
Then a tribe was selected by lot. (Benjamin had the lucky number.)
And when Samuel had caused all the tribes of Israel to come near, the tribe of Benjamin was taken. 1 Samuel 10:20
Next, a clan was selected. (Matri)
When he had caused the tribe of Benjamin to come near by their families, the family of Matri was taken. 1 Samuel 10:21a
And the king was selected from the clan. (Saul)
And Saul the son of Kish was taken. 1 Samuel 10:21b
But Shucks! When they looked, they couldn't find him.
When they sought him, he could not be found. 1 Samuel 10:21c
So they asked God what to do and God said that Saul was hiding in the stuff.
Therefore they enquired of the LORD further, if the man should yet come thither. And the LORD answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff. 1 Samuel 10:22
And sure enough, they found Saul hiding in the stuff. He was hard to miss since he stood head and shoulders above everyone in Israel. (He was also the best-looking.)
And they ran and fetched him thence: and when he stood among the people, he was higher than any of the people from his shoulders and upward. 1 Samuel 10:23
It all worked out great in the end. God chose the best (tallest, best-looking) candidate and all the people shouted, "God save the king."
And Samuel said to all the people, See ye him whom the LORD hath chosen, that there is none like him among all the people? And all the people shouted, and said, God save the king. 1 Samuel 10:24
Well, except for a few "children of Belial" (RINOs) who complained about it a bit.
But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they despised him. 1 Samuel 10:27
So there you have it. No need for expensive campaigns, debates, caucuses, straw polls, primaries, or nominating conventions. God's party should select its candidate God's way: by lottery. (Either that or just choose the tallest, best looking candidate. It should work out the same.)
(By the way, this isn't the only time a lottery was used in the Bible to select an important candidate. Matthias was selected by lottery to replace Judas, who died by spilling his guts out and hanging himself.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 7/03/2011 04:06:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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God's Top 50 Killings in the Bible
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208 ways to get yourself saved
Real men pee standing up
Everybody must get stoned
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30 August 2011Michele Bachmann's favorite Bible story: Jonathan and his gay companion slaughter the entire Philistine army
No, not that gay companion, silly. Not David. Jonathan's other gay companion.
Here's Ms. Bachmann's version of the story. (It starts at 4:30.)
And here's what really happened according to the Bible (1 Samuel 14:1-14).
(As always, be sure to read the Brick Testament story.)
One day Jonathan and his armor bearer decided to go find some uncircumcised guys to kill. Who knows? Maybe God would help them.
Jonathan said to the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over unto the garrison of these uncircumcised: it may be that the LORD will work for us. 1 Samuel 14:6
Jonathan's amorous armor bearer said to him, "Do whatever is in your heart. Whatever is in your heart is in my heart, too." (They had a very close, intimate relationship.)
So Jonathan told him his plan. They will go over to the Philistines and if they say, "Wait there and we'll come over to you," then Jonathan and his armor bearer will stay put. But if the Philistines say, "Come up to us, and we will show you something," then they will attack, knowing that God will help kill them.
Then said Jonathan, Behold, we will pass over unto these men, and we will discover ourselves unto them. If they say thus unto us, Tarry until we come to you; then we will stand still in our place, and will not go up unto them. But if they say thus, Come up unto us; then we will go up: for the LORD hath delivered them into our hand: and this shall be a sign unto us. 1 Samuel 14:8-10
So they did that. And when the Philistines saw them, they said, "Look the Hebrews have crawled out of the holes they were hiding in."
And both of them discovered themselves unto the garrison of the Philistines: and the Philistines said, Behold, the Hebrews come forth out of the holes where they had hid themselves. 1 Samuel 14:11
And then the Philistines said the magic words of doom, "Come on up and we'll show you a thing or two."
And the men of the garrison answered Jonathan and his armourbearer, and said, Come up to us, and we will shew you a thing. 1 Samuel 14:12a
When Jonathan heard that, he told his partner that God would help them kill the Philistines.
And Jonathan said unto his armourbearer, Come up after me: for the LORD hath delivered them into the hand of Israel. 1 Samuel 14:12b
So they crawled out of their hole and began to kill Philistines.
And Jonathan climbed up upon his hands and upon his feet, and his armourbearer after him: and they fell before Jonathan; and his armourbearer slew after him. 1 Samuel 14:12
They killed about 20 of them, all in an area of half an acre or so. Which is not too bad for a very first slaughter.
And that first slaughter, which Jonathan and his armourbearer made, was about twenty men, within as it were an half acre of land, which a yoke of oxen might plow. 1 Samuel 14:14
But it is quite different from Ms. Bachmann's story. In her version, Jonathan and his friend kill the entire Philistine army, not just 20 guys in a half-acre.
Here's what she says (6:30 in the video).
And what was amazing is that Jonathan and his compatriot soldier took the entire army down. ... That's what God is looking for today.
But she was sort of right. After the 1/2 acre slaughter, God sent an earthquake and then he forced the Philistines to kill each other.
And there was trembling ... and the earth quaked: so it was a very great trembling. ... The multitude melted away, and they went on beating down one another ... Every man's sword was against his fellow. 1 Samuel 14:15-20
I guess the point is the same, though. God wants us to kill uncircumcised people (Muslims, Catholics, Democrats, old people, the poor, etc.). He will do it himself if he has to, but he'd like our help. Otherwise he'll have to send earthquakes and hurricanes and then force us all to kill each other. And you wouldn't want that to happen, would you?
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/30/2011 11:05:00 AM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 August 2011Doug Wilson quotes Ezekiel 23:20 (NSFW)
"Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses. Thus you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when the Egyptians handled your bosom and pressed your young breasts." Ezekiel 23:19-21
Is that pornographic? Did we really need to know how the Assyrians were hung, and how they ejaculated? Well, apparently God thinks so. Every word is profitable, right? Doug Wilson: On Being a Tricky Dancer
Pastor Doug quoted this pornographic passage from Ezekiel to defend a guy named Mark Driscoll, who is the featured speaker at next month's Christ Church conference, right here in Moscow, Idaho.
You see, Mark Driscoll "sees things."
Jesus shows him X-rated movies of people in his congregation having sex.
Here, I'll let MD tell you about it.
But, hey, Doug says, if God can talk about donkey dicks and horse-like splooge in Ezekiel 23:20 (for no apparent reason), then Mark Driscoll can talk about his dirty movies at the Christ Church conference.
You can register for the conference here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christian New Wire: Sexpert Pastor Mark Driscoll is Told, 'Enough is Enough'
Pyromaniacs: Pornographic Divination
Pyromaniacs: Let's not dance around the real issue
The Christian World View - Mark Driscoll: Is He Qualified To Lead?
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/18/2011 01:09:00 PM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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13 August 2011Those who agree with Michele Bachmann shouldn't vote for her.
Here's why.
It all has to do with the question that Byron York asked Michele Bachmann at the debate last Thursday night.
In 2006, when you were running for Congress, you described a moment in your life when your husband said you should study for a degree in tax law. You said you hated the idea, and then you explained: "But the Lord said, be submissive. Wives, you are to be submissive to your husband." As president, would you be submissive to your husband?
It was a surprisingly fair and balanced question for a debate sponsored by Fox News.
Ms. Bachmann didn't answer the question, of course. Instead she said that she respected her husband and was proud of their 28 kids.
And yet she believes she should be submissive to her husband in everything, as though he were God himself. She believes this because she believes in the Bible and the Bible says exactly that.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Ephesians 5:22-24
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
Wives, be in subjection to your own husbands. 1 Peter 3:1
Teach the young women to be ... obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5
So a vote for Michelle Bachmann is not a vote for her; it's a vote for her husband, Marcus.
And that might be OK with Bachmann's supporters. Marcus is, by all accounts, as bat-shit crazy as his wife. He loves Jesus just as much as she does (maybe even more).
But to vote for Marcus you must vote for Michele, which is something the Bible does not permit.
I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. 1 Timothy 2:12-14
A woman president would have authority over men, and thereby cause the word of God to be blasphemed. (If, as Doug Wilson says, Titus 2:5 means anything.)
So those who agree with Michele Bachmann shouldn't vote for her.
(Neither, of course, should anyone else.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/13/2011 12:14:00 PM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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08 August 2011What Jesus said about 'Job Creators'
As Jon Stewart points out, we are no longer allowed to say that rich people are rich. "You have to refer to them as 'job creators.' You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'"
Well then, here's what Jesus said about job creators.
Verily I say unto you, That a rich man job creator shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man job creator to enter into the kingdom of God. Matthew 19:23-24, Mark 10:25, Luke 18:25
Woe to you that are rich job creators! for ye have received your consolation. Luke 6:24
There was a certain rich man job creator, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day:
And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores,
And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man's job creator's table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores.
And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham's bosom: the rich man job creator also died, and was buried;
And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.
And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.
But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented. Luke 16:19-25
Clearly, according to Jesus, job creators are going to hell. Their best hope for salvation is higher taxes. The more we tax them, the greater their chance of making it through the eye of the needle.
So let's save the job creators by taxing the hell out of them.
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/08/2011 04:19:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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02 August 2011Jesus Christ: The Former Mighty Warrior of the United States Air Force
The US Air Force has discontinued its Christian-based training class for nuclear missile officers after a report by Truthout. I guess the Air Force no longer points to Jesus as a model for its mighty warriors.
Here is a slide that was used in the program's Power Point presentation.
And here is the full description of Jesus "Mighty Warrior" Christ from Revelation 19 (verses 11-17).
And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.
His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself.
And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God.
And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean.
And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God.
And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS.
And I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the fowls that fly in the midst of heaven, Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God; hat ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men.
Yep, that's Just War Jesus for you.
He makes war, has eyes of fire, with many crowns on his head, a name that nobody knows but himself, has clothes dripping with blood, has another name called "the Word of God," leads an army of heavenly soldiers with a sharp sword sticking out of his mouth and an iron rod in his hand with a third set of names ("King of Kings and Lord of Lords") tattooed on his thigh (or scrotum), smiting nations and feeding the flesh of all the resulting dead human bodies to the birds.
Now that's a guy who'd enjoy launching a nuclear-armed Intercontinental Ballistic Missile!
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/02/2011 04:04:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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01 August 2011The Exodus 30:15 debt limit "compromise"
The rich shall not give more, and the poor shall not give less than half a shekel. Exodus 30:15
OK, it might take more than half a shekel (~ $10) from each US taxpayer, but you get the idea. Each of us pays the same, whether rich or poor.
Take the military, for example. Each of the 100.6 million full-time employees chips in $6810 this year and we've got the wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, and Libya paid for. No sweat.
Then to pay off the debt (caused by unfunded wars and tax cuts for the wealthy), we each throw in another $142,000 or so. A piece of cake.
It might be a bit rough for for the average worker making $39,000 a year, but Oh well. We must protect our "Job Creators" (wealthy people).
The Bible tells us so.
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/01/2011 06:32:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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21 September 2011Women and the Bible: An analysis by book
Just one more analysis before I take a break for a few days.
I should mention, in case you haven't already noticed, that when I say "Women," I mean "Insults to women, misogyny, etc." The Bible doesn't have much nice to say about women, but when it does, I put it in the "Good Stuff." The same is true for the other categories, except for "Interpretation" and "Sex."
Here is the overall plot.
First Corinthians has the most insults to women in the New Testament, while Genesis, Leviticus, and Ezekiel have the most in the Old.
The Women Index is defined in the usual way -- Insults per 100 verses.
First Timothy, Titus, and First Peter have the highest WI in the New Testament, and Hosea is highest in the Old.
Here is the log-log plot for Women.
I'll finish the analyses next week when I get back.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/21/2011 08:58:00 PM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Biblical Sex: An analysis by book
I know, I said injustice was next, but the Family Values analysis got me thinking about sex. So that's what I'm doing now.
As you can see, there's not much sex in the New Testament. We've got the whore of Babylon in Revelation, Paul saying there's no time for sex because Jesus is coming in 1 Corinthians, and Jesus telling us to cut off whatever body part causes us to commit adultery in our hearts in Matthew. But that's about it.
No, for sex, stick with the Old Testament. The Song of Solomon, Genesis, Leviticus, and Ezekiel will keep you busy for a lifetime.
The Sex Index is defined in the usual way (Sexual encounters per 100 verses).
I think we have a winner here. Nothing beats the Song of Solomon for sex.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/21/2011 04:46:00 PM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Biblical Family Values: An analysis by book
Here are the family values plots.
Matthew and Luke have the most Family Values in the New Testament and Genesis does in the Old.
And here's how it looks when size is accounted for. (Family Values Index is the number of Family Values per 100 verses.)
First Peter takes the FVI prize in the New Testament and Hosea, Esther, and Ruth win the Old Testament's gold, silver, and bronze Family Values medals.
And here is the log-log plot (minus the books with no family values).
Next: Injustice.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/21/2011 01:11:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Cruelty in the Bible: An analysis by book
Here are the plots for Cruelty.
Revelation and Leviticus have the most cruelties in the New and Old Testaments, respectively. But notice that there are a few cruelty-free books in each. These won't show up in the log-log plot, since it is bad luck to take the log of zero.
Here is a plot of the Cruelty Index, which is defined in the usual way (Cruelties / 100 verses).
Revelation and Leviticus stay in first place even after adjusting for their relatively large sizes. These two are blood-red with cruelty.
And here's the log-log plot (without the cruelty-free books).
Next up: Family Values.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/21/2011 11:29:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Contradictions in the Bible: An analysis by book
I promised in my last post that I would create and analyze a Boring Index for the books of the Bible, and I'll to get to that. But first, I thought I'd go through the categories in the SAB and do unto them as I did to the absurdities. So here it is for the contradictions.
(Thanks for the suggestions in the comments on the plots.)
First I'll plot the number of contradictions in each book by testament.
Notice that the gospels have the most contradictions in the New Testament, as does Genesis in the Old. No big surprise there. But they are also rather big books. What happens if we take size into account?
We can do that with the Contradiction Index, which is just the number of contradictions per 100 verses. Here's what that looks like.
There are some surprises here. James is the most contradictory book of the New Testament, with Malachi taking the gold in the Old.
And here's a log-log plot of the number of contradictions versus the number of verses.
And now on to cruelty!
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/21/2011 08:40:00 AM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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20 September 2011One Last Look at the Absurdities
In the comments, Adam suggested that I do a log-log plot of the absurdity data, which was an excellent idea. It separates the mass of points involving the small books of the Bible and tames down the big ones.
Here's the result with some of the more interesting books identified.
(Red = New Testament, Black = Old Testament)
Thanks Adam!
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/20/2011 06:30:00 PM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Another Look at the Absurdities in the Bible
Some of you were probably bothered by my last post on absurdities. Regression analysis is lots of fun, but what you really wanted was a Cleveland dot chart that would show at a glance the total number of absurdities in each book of the Bible. So I decided to make one for you.
So it turns out that Luke has the most absurdities in the New Testament, with Revelation a close second. Luke didn't show up as an outlier in the regression analysis since it also has the most verses in the New Testament.
What we need is an Absurdity Index that will take into account the number of absurdities and the number of verses.
And here's what I came up with.
Absurdity Index = 100 * Number of Absurdities / Number of Verses
Which is the number of absurdities per 100 verses.
Here's the Absurdity Index dot chart.
Now we see that Revelation is the clear winner for the New Testament, but Leviticus only gets the Old Testament's bronze medal for Absurdity. The little books of Jonah and Haggai are the most absurd, as measured by the Absurdity Index.
And what about the book of Psalms? It looked like a low outlier in the regression analysis, but now it's buried near the bottom with a bunch little books. Ezra and Nehemiah have the lowest AIs, but that's not because they're good; it's because they are so damned boring.
Which will be the topic of my next Biblical Statistics post: The Boring Index.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/20/2011 04:12:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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19 September 2011Helping Believers Resolve Contradictions: A Biblically Correct Approach
Up to now I've mostly ignored contradictions. Oh, I list them, alright, but I don't focus on them, because they seem to me to be the least of the Bible's problems. Deuteronomy 13:6-10 is disgusting to everyone that reads it. And believers know better than to try to defend it or any of the thousands of other similarly unjustifiable passages. They focus on the contradictions instead.
And I've never seen a contradiction that a believer can't explain away in one way or another. Rarely, however, is a contradiction actually resolved with a straight answer.
So I've decided to help them out. I'm going to try to find Biblically Correct answers to all of the contradictions that I've listed. (They'll be given at the bottom of each contradiction.)
But first, I'll explain my approach. I begin with the believer's most sacred assumption, as stated in 2 Timothy 3:16: "All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof" etc.
So when scriptures disagree, I'll try to resolve the disagreement by using the scriptures themselves. I'll begin by listing the passages that favor each side of the contradiction. Then I'll count the number on each side and select the Biblically Correct answer by determining which side has the highest number of divinely inspired passages. Let the Holy Ghost vote on it, so to speak.
That should work for most contradictions, but what happens with a tie?
I don't have a simple answer to that, except to say that I will try to find a Biblically Correct way to resolve God's disagreement with himself.
So let's get started. Here is the first contradiction on the list. How many men did the chief of David's captains kill? 800 300
2 Samuel 23:8
These be the names of the mighty men whom David had: The Tachmonite that sat in the seat, chief among the captains; the same was Adino the Eznite: he lift up his spear against eight hundred, whom he slew at one time. (KJV)
These are the names of David's mighty men: Josheb-Basshebeth, a Tahkemonite, was chief of the Three; he raised his spear against eight hundred men, whom he killed in one encounter. (NIV)
These are the names of the mighty men whom David had: Josheb-basshe'beth a Tah-che'monite; he was chief of the three; he wielded his spear against eight hundred whom he slew at one time. (RSV) 1 Chronicles 11:11
And this is the number of the mighty men whom David had; Jashobeam, an Hachmonite, the chief of the captains: he lifted up his spear against three hundred slain by him at one time. (KJV)
this is the list of David's mighty men: Jashobeam, a Hacmonite, was chief of the officers; he raised his spear against three hundred men, whom he killed in one encounter. (NIV)
This is an account of David's mighty men: Jasho'be-am, a Hach'monite, was chief of the three; he wielded his spear against three hundred whom he slew at one time. (RSV)
Note from the Oxford Annotated Bible for 2 Samuel 23:8-11: Josheb-basshebeth a Tachemonite is an error of a copyist; 1 Chr 11.11 has Jashobeam a Hachmonite. It has been proposed that the man's original name was Ishbaal (see 2.8 n. and 11.14-25 n.).
So according to the Oxford Annotated Bible, Jashobeam and Josheb-basshe'beth (and Ishbaal) are different names for the same person.
Darn! Wouldn't you know it? The very first contradiction is a tie. First Chronicles says one thing and Second Samuel another. How will we ever know how many guys old what's-his-name impaled on his spear? This is important stuff, too. God wants us to know the answer. That's why he put it in the Bible -- twice.
Well, luckily when different versions of the same story are told in 1 Chronicles and 2 Samuel, we know which divinely inspired story to believe. First Chronicles was written several centuries after Second Samuel and the Chronicler used 2 Samuel as a source, so any conflict between them is easily resolved. The Biblically Correct answer is from 2 Samuel.
And just like that, the first contradiction is resolved. The answer is 800.
Wasn't that fun?
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/19/2011 04:54:00 PM 84 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 September 2011Absurdities in the Bible: An analysis by book
Now that I've completed another revision of the SAB, I thought I'd get back to everyone's favorite subject: Bible statistics.
One of the categories in the SAB is absurdities, and the current list has a total of 2165, which is more than any other biblical category. The list changes all the time, though, as I find more fun stuff in the Bible. But if I wait until it's finished to do an analysis, an analysis will never get done.
Now I'm sure you often ask yourself the question, "Which book in the Bible is the most absurd?" We all do. It can make you crazier than a Tea Party presidential candidate if you're not careful.
So let's try to answer it. We can begin by plotting the total number of absurdities in each book of the Bible versus the number of verses in the book. Here's the resulting graph.
The graph tells us a few things right away.
Leviticus has the most absurdities (158).
There are three books that have an unusual number of absurdities for their sizes. Two high (Revelation and Leviticus) and one low (Psalms).
The number of absurdities increases with the number of verses in a more or less linear fashion. (The line on the graph is the zero intercept least squares regression model for the data after removing the three outliers.
y = 0.0651 x, R2 = 0.9049.)
Since I knew some of you would ask for it, I repeated the analysis for each testament separately. Here's the graph for the Old.
(Model, outliers excluded: y = 0.0617 x, R2 = 0.8934)
And here's the New.
(Model, outlier excluded: y = 0.0770 x, R2 = 0.9622)
The separate models are similar to each other and to the combined model. The same outliers are present and the coefficients are of nearly equal magnitude. So that leaves us with this:
Leviticus is the most absurd book in the Old Testament and Revelation is in the New. And the book of Psalms seems abnormally normal for such a large biblical book.
Generally we can expect to find about 6.5 absurdities in each 100 verses of the Bible.
OK. But which book is the weirdest? Leviticus or Revelation?
Well, here are their numbers. Absurdities Verses Absurdities per 100 verses
Leviticus 158 859 18.4
Revelation 94 404 23.3
So I guess I'd go with Revelation.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/18/2011 11:56:00 PM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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13 September 20112 Nephi 7-9: Tomorrow is a Latter Day
Jacob takes a break from his preaching (again) by throwing in a few more chapters from Isaiah so that 2400 years later the true (LDS) church will know the covenants that God has covenanted with the Jews.
And now, my beloved brethren, I have read these things that ye might know concerning the covenants of the Lord that he has covenanted with all the house of Israel. That he has spoken unto the Jews ... until the time comes that they shall be restored to the true church. 2 Nephi 9:1-2
But I'm going to skip all that. Isaiah sucks (the breasts of kings).
After the Isaiah break, Jacob returned to his 19th century, frontier American, Protestant sermon, which he delivered to the Nephites circa 550 BCE, warning them that they'll all burn in hell unless they repent, believe, and be baptized in the name of someone (Jesus H. Christ) who will not exist for another six centuries or so.
If they will not repent and believe in his name, and be baptized in his name ... they must be damned [to] hell ... the lake of fire and brimstone, which is endless torment. 2 Nephi 9:24-26
Then he takes off all his clothes and shakes them in front of his brethren, exposing himself in all of his glorious blood-free brightness to God's all-searching eye.
Behold, I take off my garments, and I shake them before you; I pray ... God ... view me with his all-searching eye ... that I stand with brightness before him, and am rid of your blood. 2 Nephi 9:44
After that Jacob is not only naked, he's also a bit tired, so he'll finish his sermon tomorrow.
And now, my brethren, I would speak unto you more; but on the morrow I will declare unto you the remainder of my words. Amen. 2 Nephi 9:54
Tomorrow is a Latter Day.
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Next Episode: 2 Nephi 10: Wicked Jews, Blessed Gentiles, and a Completely Mormon America (with a Mormon president)
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/13/2011 10:17:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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12 September 2011Ron Paul's health care plan: Let uninsured sick people die and unlicensed "doctors" practice medicine
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/12/2011 09:46:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Conan Factoids: Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/12/2011 09:17:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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11 September 2011Reparative Therapy: It's time to open the door
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/11/2011 09:27:00 AM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Islam: It's mostly about going to the bathroom
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50 reasons to be ashamed (and not a fan) of Jesus
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God's Top 50 Killings in the Bible
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208 ways to get yourself saved
Real men pee standing up
Everybody must get stoned
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28 October 2011Saving the Seed of Cain from the Flood of Noah
In my last post I described how Mormon Scripture explains the origin of black people. (They are the seed of Cain.)
Which is all very interesting. But if you are foolish enough to accept that racist explanation, you still have a problem. How did the seed of Cain survive Noah's flood?
Well, lucky for you, my racist friend, Mormon Scripture has the answer!
You've probably seen the pictures of Noah's family. They look a lot like this.
A nice, happy, white family. But if they were all white, where'd all the black people come from?
And that's where the Book of Abraham comes in.
Unless you're a Mormon, you've probably never heard of the Book of Abraham. It's not in that little blue book that the Mormon missionaries gave you (and that you've never looked at since). And Mormons don't like to talk about it much because it's horribly embarrassing to them. But it's in the Pearl of Great Price and is, therefore, a part of Mormon Scripture.
In it we learn that Pharaoh was descended from the testicles of Ham.
Pharaoh ... was a descendant from the loins of Ham, and was ... of the blood of the Canaanites by birth ... thus the blood of the Canaanites was preserved in the land. Abraham 1:20-22
(Ham was the guy who saw his father, Noah, drunk and naked in Genesis 9:20-25. For this crime, God cursed the descendants of Canaan, Ham's son, with slavery.)
Abe also tells us that Egypt was discovered (while it was still under water from the flood) by one of Ham's daughters, Egyptus. (She was named after her mother, Ham's wife, who was also named Egyptus, and who was, apparently, a black woman.)
The land of Egypt being first discovered by a woman, who was the daughter of Ham, and the daughter of Egyptus which in the Chaldean signifies Egypt, which signifies that which is forbidden. When this woman discovered the land it was under water, who afterward settled her sons in it; and thus, from Ham, sprang that race which preserved the curse in the land. Abraham 1:23-24
So Pharaoh was the son of Egyptus, who was the daughter of Ham and his wife Egyptyus, from "that race which preserved the curse in the land."
According to Mormon Scripture, then, black people are doubly cursed: they are the seed of Cain and the seed of Ham. Cursed by God for Cain's murder of Abel and cursed again because Ham saw his father (Noah) drunk and naked.
God darkened their skin and made them slaves, but that wasn't the worst of it. He also excluded them from the Mormon priesthood.
Pharaoh, the eldest son of Egyptus, the daughter of Ham ... Noah ... cursed him as pertaining to the Priesthood ... Pharaoh being of that lineage by which he could not have the right of Priesthood. Abraham 1:26-27
Until he changed his mind in 1978.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/28/2011 11:18:00 AM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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26 October 2011The mark of (Herman) Cain: What Mitt Romney believes about black people
It starts with the book of Genesis.
Remember the story about Adam and Eve, and Cain and Abel? (Genesis 4:1-17)
Adam and Eve have sex, Eve gets pregnant, and Cain ("a man from the Lord") is born.
And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD. Genesis 4:1
In the next verse, another son (Abel) is born.
And she again bare his brother Abel. Genesis 4:2a
Cain becomes a farmer, Abel tends sheep, and each offers a sacrifice to God. Cain gave God the fruit of his crops; Abel killed some firstborn sheep and gave God all the fat. God liked the fat more than the fruit. (How could they tell? Did God eat the fat while they watched?)
Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the LORD ... Abel ... the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering: But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. Genesis 4:2b-5a
That made Cain mad and sad. So he talked things over with his little brother, Abel.
Then he killed him.
And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell.
...
Cain talked with Abel his brother ... and slew him. Genesis 4:4b-8
God dropped by and asked Cain where his brother was. Cain said, "I don't know. Am I my brother's keeper?"
And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper? Genesis 4:9
God cursed Cain for killing Abel, making him a fugitive and vagabond.
Now art thou cursed ... a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth. Genesis 4:11-12
Cain told God that he was worried about people killing him, so God put a mark on Cain warning people not to kill him or vengeance would be taken on them seven times. (What were God and Cain worried about? There were only two other people alive at the time -- Cain's parents.)
Cain said unto the LORD ... every one that findeth me shall slay me. And the LORD said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the LORD set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him. Genesis 4:13-15
Then Cain went off east of Eden in the land of Nod, got married, raised a family, built a city, and did all the things you'd expect a fugitive and vagabond to do on a planet with a total population of 3.
And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden. And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch. Genesis 4:16-17
But what was the mark that God put on Cain? Was it a sign on his forehead saying, "I killed my brother, but don't kill me or God will kill you seven times"? The Bible doesn't say.
Lucky for us and Mitt Romney, Mormon Scripture does! (More or less, anyway.)
There are four books in Mormon Scripture: The Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price. And one of the books in the Pearl of Great Price is the Book of Moses.
Here's what Moses had to say about the seed of Cain.
And Enoch also beheld the residue of the people which were the sons of Adam; and they were a mixture of all the seed of Adam save it was the seed of Cain, for the seed of Cain were black, and had not place among them. Moses 7:22
So Mormon scripture says that the seed of Cain are black and God put a mark on Cain. Someone should ask Mitt Romney if the two things are one and the same.
Maybe it should be (Herman) Cain.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/26/2011 07:08:00 PM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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19 October 20112 Nephi 10: Wicked Jews, Blessed Gentiles, and a Completely Mormon America (with a Mormon president)
Jacob woke up the next day and started preaching again. He predicted that many Nephite children would "perish in the flesh because of unbelief." But not to worry, God will somehow restore the dead little unbelievers by forcing them to believe -- or something like that.
Many of our children shall perish in the flesh because of unbelief, nevertheless, God will be merciful unto many; and our children shall be restored, that they may come to that which will give them the true knowledge of their Redeemer. 2 Nephi 10:2
And now, for the first time, God reveals the last name of the Redeemer -- Christ.
Christ -- for in the last night the angel spake unto me that this should be his name. 2 Nephi 10:3a
Which is really cool, isn't it? An angel revealed Jesus H. Christ's last name 2600 years before Jesus was born!
(In the 1830 version of the Book of Mormon, Jesus' name is revealed in a bit earlier. 1 Nephi 12:18 read, "...Jesus Christ, which is the Lamb of God, of whom the Holy Ghost beareth record..." The LDS church changed "Jesus Christ" to "Messiah" so the angel wouldn't have to reveal it twice.)
The angel also told Jacob about Jews. They are, he said, the most wicked people on earth. Only Jews would crucify God.
The Jews ... are the more wicked part of the world; and they shall crucify him ... there is none other nation on earth that would crucify their God. For should the mighty miracles be wrought among other nations they would repent, and know that he be their God. 2 Nephi 10:3b-4
And because Jews are so darned evil, God will send them destruction, famines, diseases, and bloodshed. Most will be killed and the rest scattered.
Because of their iniquities, destructions, famines, pestilences, and bloodshed shall come upon them; and they who shall not be destroyed shall be scattered among all nations. 2 Nephi 10:6
But someday the Jews will believe in Jesus and return to Israel. (The prophecy was fulfilled in 1948 when every Jew became Christian and Israel became an independent state.)
When the day cometh that they shall believe in me, that I am Christ ... they shall be restored ... unto the lands of their inheritance. 2 Nephi 10:7
In the meantime, God will make the Gentiles (white, non-Catholic, Christian Americans) great (in the eyes of him, saith he).
The Gentiles shall be great in the eyes of me, saith God. 2 Nephi 10:8
The Gentile kings will be the Nephites' nursing fathers and their queens their nursing mothers. God will bless the Gentiles, while giving the land (America) to the Nephites (Mormons).
The kings of the Gentiles shall be nursing fathers unto them, and their queens shall become nursing mothers ... this land, said God, shall be a land of thine inheritance, and the Gentiles shall be blessed upon the land. 2 Nephi 10:9-10
America will be "a land of liberty" for Gentiles, with no kings allowed. (Not even nursing kings?)
This land shall be a land of liberty unto the Gentiles, and there shall be no kings upon the land. 2 Nephi 10:11
God will fortify this land (America) against all other nations and whoever is against Zion (the Mormon church) is a dead, anti-God, cosmopolitan whore.
I will fortify this land against all other nations. And he that fighteth against Zion shall perish, saith God. 2 Nephi 10:12-13
He that fighteth against Zion, both Jew and Gentile, both bond and free, both male and female, shall perish; for they are they who are the whore of all the earth; for they who are not for me are against me, saith our God. 2 Nephi 10:16
Non-Mormon Americans ("Gentiles") are the new Jews and will be both naughty and nice to Mormons, depending on how God feels at the moment.
I will afflict thy seed by the hand of the Gentiles; nevertheless, I will soften the hearts of the Gentiles, that they shall be like unto a father to them; wherefore, the Gentiles shall be blessed and numbered among the house of Israel. 2 Nephi 10:18
God blessed America and consecrated it to the seed of Nephi (Mormons). The United States is God's favorite country, and someday all Americans will worship him and become Mormons.
I will consecrate this land unto thy seed, and them who shall be numbered among thy seed, forever, for the land of their inheritance; for it is a choice land, saith God unto me, above all other lands, wherefore I will have all men that dwell thereon that they shall worship me, saith God. 2 Nephi 10:19
And make Mitt Romney their president.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/19/2011 07:48:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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14 October 2011Mitt Romney believes that all non-Mormon sects are an abomination in the sight of God
OK, he didn't actually say that, but that's what he believes -- if he is, as he claims to be, a member of the LDS church.
There can be no doubt about this one. Here's why.
A Mormon believes that all scripture is inspired by God and is, therefore, true. One of the writings in LDS scripture is The Pearl of Great Price, which includes Joseph Smith -- History.
In his "History", Joseph Smith describes a meeting he had when he was 14 years old with God and Jesus. Joseph was confused about the various Christian sects, so he asked God to help him sort it all out. Here's what happened according to Mormon scripture.
Exerting all my powers to call upon God ... I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me. 16
A light, brighter than the sun, fell on Joseph, and two brightly shining men appeared above him in the air. One of them said to him, while pointing at the other shiny guy, "Joseph, this is my beloved son. Hear him!" (Jesus's dad is on the right.)
When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him! 17
Which was really fortunate, since Joseph wanted to find out which of the Christian sects was right. Now that God and his son (Jesus, I'm thinking) had showed up, Joseph could just ask them directly. If anyone would know, they would.
My object in going to inquire of the Lord was to know which of all the sects was right, that I might know which to join. ... Therefore ... I asked the Personages who stood above me in the light, which of all the sects was right (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that all were wrong)—and which I should join. 18
The more talkative one (Jesus' dad?) told Joseph that he should "join none of them, for they were all wrong" and that "all their creeds were an abomination in his sight."
I was answered that I must join none of them, for they were all wrong; and the Personage who addressed me said that all their creeds were an abomination in his sight. 19
So if Mitt Romney is a Mormon, he believes that all non-Mormon Christian beliefs are wrong and an abomination in God's sight.
Either that or he believes that Joseph Smith was just making stuff up when he wrote Mormon scripture.
Someone should ask him which it is.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/14/2011 02:59:00 PM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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11 October 2011Injustice and the Bible: An analysis by book
Here's a plot of the verses that I've highlighted at the SAB that seem unjust (to me, anyway).
Matthew, Revelation, Luke, and Romans have the most injustices in the New Testament; and Jeremiah and Deuteronomy have the most in the Old.
Here's the Injustice Index plot, with the usual definition (highlighted passages / 100 verses).
Some of the smallest books have the largest Injustice Index, since although they only have a few unjust passages, they also have only a few dozen verses. Thus, 2 John, Jude, Titus, 2 Thessalonians, and 2 Peter compete with Revelation for the highest Injustice Index in the New Testament; and Amos, Zephaniah, Malachi, Obadiah, and Micah edge out Deuteronomy for the prize in the Old.
And the log-log plot with the more unjust books identified.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/11/2011 12:31:00 PM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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19 November 2011Christ on a Dog's Ass
Or it might be Muhammad (pb&jbuh). It's hard to tell those two apart.
Via Why Evolution is True
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/19/2011 05:45:00 PM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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11 November 2011The Esther Killings: Do they belong on God's list?
Esther is one of the two books in the Bible in which God is not even mentioned (the other is the Song of Solomon).
Maybe that's why some Bible believers, such as Martin Luther, believed that it should be excluded from the Bible. In Luther's case, however, it probably had more to do with his extreme antisemitism. Because the point of the Book of Esther, if it has a point, is this: God loves Jews more than everyone else and anyone who has ever had a bad thought about them should be killed. (And Luther had lots of bad thoughts about Jews.)
There is a whole series of killings in Esther, mostly to avenge antisemitism. But since the Book of Esther does not mention God's name, it's difficult to blame him directly for these killings. Still, since Esther is included in the Bible, the God of the Bible must approve of the killings, insofar as a nonexistent being can approve of anything.
The Book of Esther also has an important message for women: your job in life is to look pretty and to please, honor, and obey men. If that means dancing naked in front of your husband's drunken guests, dance naked. Be an Esther, not a Vashti. (Which is, of course, bad advice. Vashti is the hero of the Book of Esther and she gets my vote for the best person in the Bible.)
So what about the Esther killings? Do they belong on God's list? Let me know what you think in the comments.
Here's the story.
After the Esther wins the dancing-naked-before-the-king contest, she goes on a killing spree.
She begins by telling the king to hang two men that her friend (Mordecai) said wanted to kill the king.
Two of the king's chamberlains ... sought to lay hands on the king Ahasuerus. And the thing was known to Mordecai, who told it unto Esther the queen; and Esther certified the king ... And when inquisition was made of the matter, it was found out; therefore they were both hanged on a tree. Esther 2:21-23
Then, for some strange reason, the king told everyone in the kingdom to bow and show reverence to a guy named Haman.
All the king's servants ... bowed, and reverenced Haman: for the king had so commanded. Esther 3:2a
But Esther's Jewish friend Mordecai refused.
But Mordecai bowed not, nor did him reverence. Esther 3:2b
So Haman, did what any proper Bible villain would do: he tried to kill every Jew in the kingdom.
When Haman saw that Mordecai bowed not, nor did him reverence, then was Haman full of wrath ... Wherefore Haman sought to destroy all the Jews that were throughout the whole kingdom. Esther 3:5-6
Haman offered to give the king 10,000 talents (~300,000 kg) of silver if he would kill all the Jews. And the king said, "OK, that sounds like a good idea. Let's kill all the Jews."
Haman said unto king Ahasuerus ... let it be written that they may be destroyed: and I will pay ten thousand talents of silver.
And the king took his ring from his hand, and gave it unto Haman ... the Jews' enemy.
And the king said unto Haman, The silver is given to thee, the people also, to do with them as it seemeth good to thee. Esther 3:8-10
The king sent out a decree to all the provinces declaring a kingdom-wide Kill-the-Jews Day. It was to take place on the 13th day of the 12th month. "All Jews, both young and old, little children and women" were to be killed on that day.
Letters were sent by posts into all the king's provinces, to destroy, to kill, and to cause to perish, all Jews, both young and old, little children and women, in one day, even upon the thirteenth day of the twelfth month. Esther 3:13
Haman, at his wife and friends' suggestion, decides to begin by building a 25 meter tall gallows to hang Mordecai on.
Then said Zeresh his wife and all his friends unto him, Let a gallows be made of fifty cubits high, and to morrow speak thou unto the king that Mordecai may be hanged thereon ... And the thing pleased Haman; and he caused the gallows to be made. Esther 5:14
Meanwhile, at one of the king's drunken parties, the king told Esther that he'd give her whatever she wanted, up to half the kingdom.
So the king and Haman came to banquet with Esther the queen. And the king said again unto Esther on the second day at the banquet of wine ... what is thy request? and it shall be performed, even to the half of the kingdom. Esther 7:1-3
Esther asks the king not to murder all the Jews. And the king says, "Huh? Who is trying to kill the Jews?" (The king had completely forgotten that he had ordered the genocide of the Jews back in chapter 3.)
The king ... said unto Esther ... Who is he, and where is he, that durst presume in his heart to do so? And Esther said, The adversary and enemy is this wicked Haman. Esther 7:5-6
So the king hangs Haman high.
So they hanged Haman on the gallows that he had prepared for Mordecai. Then was the king's wrath pacified. Esther 7:10
After hanging Haman at Esther's request, the king gave Esther (and her buddy Mordecai) Haman's ring and house.
The king took off his ring, which he had taken from Haman, and gave it unto Mordecai. And Esther set Mordecai over the house of Haman.
I have given Esther the house of Haman, and him they have hanged upon the gallows, because he laid his hand upon the Jews. Esther 8:1-7
Then, at Esther's request, the king ordered a preemptive strike on all 127 provinces from India to Ethiopia. Everyone who planned to kill Jews will be killed by Jews, along with their wives and children. And all this killing is to take place on a single day -- the day after the first decree ordered all the Jews to be killed. (How are the Jews to figure out who planned to kill them and who didn't? Were they supposed to just kill everyone and let God sort it out? And why did they need to kill the women and children?)
"Mordecai commanded ... the deputies and rulers of the provinces which are from India unto Ethiopia, an hundred twenty and seven provinces ... to destroy, to slay and to cause to perish, all the power of the people and province that would assault them, both little ones and women.
Upon one day in all the provinces ... the Jews should be ready against that day to avenge themselves on their enemies. Esther 8:9-13
On the day when all Jew-haters (and their families) were killed by Jews, "the Jews had light, and gladness, and joy, and honour ... a feast and a good day." (Esther 8:16-17a)
But many of the Jew-haters became Jews rather than be killed for wanting to kill Jews.
Many of the people of the land became Jews; for the fear of the Jews fell upon them. Esther 8:17b
So the Jews kill everyone who ever had a bad thought toward them, along with their Jew-hating families.
The Jews had rule over them that hated them. The Jews gathered themselves together in their cities throughout all the provinces ... to lay hand on such as sought their hurt: and no man could withstand them; for the fear of them fell upon all people.
...
The Jews smote all their enemies with the stroke of the sword, and slaughter, and destruction, and did what they would unto those that hated them. Esther 9:1-5
They killed 500 men in Shushan.
In Shushan the palace the Jews slew and destroyed five hundred men. Esther 9:6
They killed the ten sons of Haman.
The ten sons of Haman the son of Hammedatha, the enemy of the Jews, slew they. Esther 9:10
Esther asks the king to kill all those who planned to kill the Jews and hang the already dead bodies of Haman's ten sons on trees.
The king said unto Esther the queen, The Jews have slain and destroyed five hundred men in Shushan the palace, and the ten sons of Haman ... what is thy request further? ... Then said Esther ... let it be granted to the Jews which are in Shushan to do to morrow also according unto this day's decree, and let Haman's ten sons be hanged.
...
And they hanged Haman's ten sons. Esther 9:12-13
Then the Jews killed another 300 men at Shushan,
The Jews ... slew three hundred men at Shushan. Esther 9:15
And 75,000 other Jew-haters.
The other Jews ... slew of their foes seventy and five thousand. Esther 9:16
The day after killing all the Jew-haters and their families, the Jews took a day off to party. (This is the origin of the Jewish holiday of Purim.)
On the fourteenth day of the same rested they, and made it a day of feasting and gladness. Esther 9:17
And then, at Esther's request, the king hung Haman and his ten sons (again).
When Esther came before the king, he commanded ... that he [Haman] and his sons should be hanged on the gallows. Esther 9:25
After the killings, "Modecai the Jew was ... great among the Jews ... seeking the wealth of" the Jews. And so ends the Book of Esther.
Here is a list of the Esther killings:
People killed Number Esther verse
The two treasonous chamberlains 2 2:21-23
Haman 1 7:10
Men in Sushan 500 9:6
Haman's sons 10 9:12-13
More men in Sushan 300 9:15
People who planned to kill Jews on Kill-the-Jews Day 75,000 9:16
Total 75,813
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 14 note: See God hath done these things: The Apocrypha to the Rescue! for the happy resolution to this problem.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God's next killing: Job’s children and slaves
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/11/2011 07:43:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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03 November 2011It's definitely Muhammad (peanut butter and jelly be upon him)
Who else would hang out in a testicular tumor?
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/03/2011 11:52:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Science & Religion: Are They Compatible?
The Jerry Coyne / John Haught Debate
You simply must watch this debate. No excuses.
Okay, Okay. I know it's kind of long, and you're a busy person. So go ahead and skip the first 28 and half minutes. You won't miss much.
2011 Bale Boone Symposium - Science & Religion: Are They Compatible? from UK Gaines Center on Vimeo.
For more on the debate controversy, see Jerry Coyne's blog.
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/03/2011 11:00:00 AM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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01 November 2011The National Guard wants you
(If you're a Protestant, Bible-believing Christian)
Otherwise, not so much.
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/01/2011 11:14:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Mitt Romney: The luckiest motherfudger on earth
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/01/2011 10:43:00 AM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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208 ways to get yourself saved
Real men pee standing up
Everybody must get stoned
Where do evil spirits come from?
What does Jesus have written on his testicles?
Which is more violent, the Bible or the Quran?
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14 December 2011God hath done these things: The Apocrypha to the Rescue!
I've struggled a bit lately with the Book of Esther.
It is filled with preemptive war and genocidal ethnic cleansing, that the author clearly supported and glorified. But since the book makes no mention of God, directly or indirectly, it's difficult to blame God for the killings -- or claim that he inspired them, or even approved of them, for that matter. (Except in the sense that since God inspired the author of the Book of Esther, he approved of whatever the author approved.)
Which is why the apocrypha comes in so handy.
Here are the first words of the additions to the Book of Esther, as taken from the Catholic Douay-Reims version.
Then Mardochai said: God hath done these things.
The folks at DRBO.org add this helpful note to Esther 10:4.
[4] Then Mardochai: Here St. Jerome advertiseth the reader, that what follows is not in the Hebrew, but is found in the septuagint Greek edition, which the seventy-two interpreters translated out of the Hebrew, or added by the inspiration of the Holy Ghost.
So we know that Esther 10:4 was added through the inspiration of the Holy Ghost, and that therefore, God was responsible for the killings in the Book of Esther.
(See also 10:10, 12; 11:12; 13:8, 18, 14:1-2, 15:3, 5; 16:10-18, and 21)
Thank God for the Apocrypha!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For some time now, I have wanted to add the Apocrypha (or what Catholics call the Deutero-canonical books) to the SAB. I've finally started with the book of Esther.
As I go along, I'll add the apocryphal killings to the list of killings in the Catholic Bible. That way, I'll have two lists: one for the Protestants and one for the Catholics.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/14/2011 12:01:00 PM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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08 December 2011Happy Bo Day!
Sorry for not posting lately, but I have a good excuse. I've spent the last couple weeks in Hawaii.
And here's what I have to show for it.
A Bo (or Bodhi) tree, the tree that the Buddha sat under when he achieved enlightenment.
Well, OK, it wasn't this tree that Buddha supposedly sat under on the eighth day of the 12th lunar month (December 8th this year, I guess) in 596 BCE while being tempted by Mara (the Buddhist version of Satan) and his daughters, before driving them all away with an earthquake. But it was a tree of this species: Ficus religiosa.
(The tree in my picture was taken at the Foster Botanical Garden in Honolulu.)
After getting enlightened, the Buddha stood in front of the sacred tree and stared, without blinking, for an entire week.
Me, I just took a picture.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/08/2011 10:28:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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A Challenge to Christians
How many has God killed? (Complete list and estimated total)
Islam: It's mostly about going to the bathroom
Blogging the Book of Mormon
50 reasons to be ashamed (and not a fan) of Jesus
Who has killed more, Satan or God?
God's Top 50 Killings in the Bible
Where do evil spirits come from?
David, a man after God's own heart (WWDD?)
The worth of a woman: The Bible vs. the Quran
208 ways to get yourself saved
Real men pee standing up
Everybody must get stoned
Where do evil spirits come from?
What does Jesus have written on his testicles?
Which is more violent, the Bible or the Quran?
Why Christian "Marriage" is Wrong
Is it wrong to burn people to death?
The Top 50 Bible Stories for kids
Which bits of the Bible are we still to believe?
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14 December 2011God hath done these things: The Apocrypha to the Rescue!
I've struggled a bit lately with the Book of Esther.
It is filled with preemptive war and genocidal ethnic cleansing, that the author clearly supported and glorified. But since the book makes no mention of God, directly or indirectly, it's difficult to blame God for the killings -- or claim that he inspired them, or even approved of them, for that matter. (Except in the sense that since God inspired the author of the Book of Esther, he approved of whatever the author approved.)
Which is why the apocrypha comes in so handy.
Here are the first words of the additions to the Book of Esther, as taken from the Catholic Douay-Reims version.
Then Mardochai said: God hath done these things.
The folks at DRBO.org add this helpful note to Esther 10:4.
[4] Then Mardochai: Here St. Jerome advertiseth the reader, that what follows is not in the Hebrew, but is found in the septuagint Greek edition, which the seventy-two interpreters translated out of the Hebrew, or added by the inspiration of the Holy Ghost.
So we know that Esther 10:4 was added through the inspiration of the Holy Ghost, and that therefore, God was responsible for the killings in the Book of Esther.
(See also 10:10, 12; 11:12; 13:8, 18, 14:1-2, 15:3, 5; 16:10-18, and 21)
Thank God for the Apocrypha!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For some time now, I have wanted to add the Apocrypha (or what Catholics call the Deutero-canonical books) to the SAB. I've finally started with the book of Esther.
As I go along, I'll add the apocryphal killings to the list of killings in the Catholic Bible. That way, I'll have two lists: one for the Protestants and one for the Catholics.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/14/2011 12:01:00 PM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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08 December 2011Happy Bo Day!
Sorry for not posting lately, but I have a good excuse. I've spent the last couple weeks in Hawaii.
And here's what I have to show for it.
A Bo (or Bodhi) tree, the tree that the Buddha sat under when he achieved enlightenment.
Well, OK, it wasn't this tree that Buddha supposedly sat under on the eighth day of the 12th lunar month (December 8th this year, I guess) in 596 BCE while being tempted by Mara (the Buddhist version of Satan) and his daughters, before driving them all away with an earthquake. But it was a tree of this species: Ficus religiosa.
(The tree in my picture was taken at the Foster Botanical Garden in Honolulu.)
After getting enlightened, the Buddha stood in front of the sacred tree and stared, without blinking, for an entire week.
Me, I just took a picture.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/08/2011 10:28:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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28 January 2012Islam: It's mostly about going to the bathroom
You probably think that being a Muslim involves praying five times a day, eating halal food, fasting during Ramadan, and traveling to Mecca once in your lifetime. And, for many Muslims, it does. But there's a heck of lot more to it than that.
Take going to the bathroom, for instance.
Now it's true that Allah doesn't provide much bathroom guidance in the Quran, although there is this bit of helpful advice:
When ye rise up for prayer ... if ye ... cometh from the closet, or ye have had contact with women, and ye find not water, then go to clean, high ground and rub your faces and your hands with some of it. Quran 5:6
Which tells us that that kind of thing is important to Allah. He cares about your bathroom routine.
And so does Muhammad (PB&J be upon him). He was absolutely obsessed with it. Here is what he had to say:
Your Apostle (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) teaches you about everything, even about excrement. (1)
So let's take a look at some of the things that Muhammad taught about excrement.
Before entering the bathroom, cover your head, put shoes on your feet, and say this little prayer: "O Allah I seek your protection from the male and female devils."
When going to the toilet the messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would wear footwear. He would cover his blessed head and before stepping into the room, he would read: 'O Allah I seek your protection from the male and female devils.' (1)
Enter the bathroom with your left foot.
The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would enter the toilet with his left foot. (1)
Don't read the Quran while on the toilet.
Any verse of the Qur'an, should be removed before entering the toilet. (1)
Don't let anyone see you pee. (No one ever saw Muhammad do it -- except for all those eyewitnesses who provided the glorious details about his peeing technique.)
Jabir (may Allah be pleased with him) states that, 'When the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would go to relieve himself he would go so far that no-one could see him.' We should make sure that there is complete privacy whilst relieving one's self; this is modesty that every Muslim should have. (1)
A person should be concealed from the sight of others when answering the call of nature. ... How can anybody uncover in front of other people the ‘awrah (private parts) which Allaah has placed between his legs to conceal it and commanded him to cover it? (2)
One should move and hide himself from others, as the prophet SAAWS only relieved himself when he was out of site. (2)
Don't try to hold it before prayer. If you do, your prayer won't count. (Allah knows who has to pee or fart and who doesn't, and he gets pissed off when he sees people praying when they should be peeing.)
When the time for prayer comes and one of you needs to relieve himself, he should do that first ... it is Makrooh-e-Tehrimi to hold urine/wind or the need to go to the toilet. One should relieve themselves first as the Salaah will have to be repeated. (1)
Keep all of your clothes on until the very last second. Then take off only the clothes that are absolutely necessary while getting as close to the ground as possible. (God hates to see you naked.)
'When the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would go to relieve himself, he would not remove the clothing from his body until he was close to the ground. (1)
A person should not uncover his ‘awrah (private parts) until after he has squatted close to the ground, because this is more concealing, as Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported: “When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) wanted to answer the call of nature, he would not lift his garment until he had squatted close to the ground.” (2)
Point your face in some other direction besides Mecca while pooping or peeing -- but for God's sake don't point your butt or penis in that direction either. (If your toilet at home is facing Mecca, you're up shit creek, so to speak. If you're a good Muslim, you'll remodel the bathroom so the toilet faces New York, Rome, or Salt Lake City instead.)
Facing or keeping the back towards the Qibla whilst going to the toilet is forbidden. We should take care of this at all times. If the toilet is facing the Qibla in your home then try and sacrifice some money and have it changed as you will be sinning every time you use the toilet. (1)
“Your Prophet has taught you everything, even how to defecate!” Salmaan said: “Yes, he forbade us to face the qiblah when urinating or defecating…” (2)
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When any one of you sits down to answer the call of nature, he should not face the qiblah or turn his back towards it.” (2)
When you're doing your business, don't touch your penis with your right hand. Use your left hand to hold it while peeing and to wipe your butt after you're done pooping. (Don't let your right hand know what your left hand is doing.)
The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said that, 'None of you should hold the private parts with the right hand while urinating, or wipe with the right hand in the privy. (1)
[T]he Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When any one of you wipes himself, he should not use his right hand.” (2)
Don't use the right hand for cleaning either. It's pretty much useless while in the bathroom. (I try to keep mine over my head or behind my back.)
Do not use the right hand for cleansing (Istinja) as it goes against the Sunnah unless you have a problem with your right hand. We use the right hand for eating, drinking, shaking hands, reading the Qur'an etc. we should use the other hand for cleaning, holding shoes, cleaning the nose etc. (1)
The Prophet’s wife Hafsah (may Allaah be pleased with her) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to use his right hand for eating, drinking, making wudoo (?), getting dressed, and giving and taking things, and he used to use his left hand for other things. (2)
Wash and wipe an odd number of times.
Wash in odd numbers i.e. 1, 3, 5 or 7 times. (1)
[T]he Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to wash his posterior three times. Ibn ‘Umar said: “We did this too and found it to be healing and cleansing.” (2)
Do all your clean-up with just three fingers: the middle fingers of your left hand. (May take some practice.)
Use the left hand middle three fingers for cleanings. (1)
For an easier pee, try pushing on your left leg.
Put slight pressure on the left leg it makes it relieving easier. (1)
Pee sitting down. Whoever pees standing up will go straight to hell when they die. (Muhammad's nine year old wife, Aisha, swore he was a sit-down pee-er.)
Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) says that, 'Whosoever says that the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would stand up and urinate do not believe them, he would urinate but sitting down ... One of the reasons of the punishment in the grave is because of urinating standing up, Islam has given us a method to follow not only will you relieve yourself but you will be rewarded too. (1)
Don't get any urine on yourself. If you do you, Allah will torture you in hell for it. As the Prophet of Pee said so well, "Most of the punishment of the grave will be because of urine."
Once the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) while passing through a graveyard heard the voices of two persons who were being punished in their graves. The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'These two persons are being punished not for something major (it is not difficult to be save from it).' The Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) then added, 'Yes! (They are being tortured for a major sin) Indeed, one of them never saved himself from being soiled with his urine... (1)
He should be careful to remove all impurity after answering the call of nature, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned against being careless in cleaning oneself after urinating: “Most of the punishment of the grave will be because of urine.” (2)
Females should wipe with the heel of the left palm, being careful not to separate the legs too much.
The sister should cleanse themselves with the lower palm of the left hand and do not separate the legs to wide. (1)
Males should hold the penis from the top with the left hand index finger and thumb, gently milking it until all the drops come out.
When cleaning yourself, males should hold their penis from the top with the left hand index finger and the thumb. Gently work your way down (as if milking an animal) so if drops are left they will come out. (1)
Whatever you do, be sure to get that last drop out. Force the little bugger if you have to.
After performing urination, if you feel that another drop of urine will come, then it is wajib for you to perform 'Istibrao' meaning after urination to perform some act that would force the urine left inside, to come out . (1)
First wash the front of the penis and then the back.
First wash the front then the back. (1)
In all of this, try hard not to even look at your penis. Looking at your own penis can cause severe memory loss.
Do not look at your private parts as there is a chance of the memory becoming weak. (1)
When you finally force that last drop out and you've washed your penis, front and back, wash your hands three times.
After you have relieved yourself, wash your hands up to the wrists thrice. (1)
Don't talk in the bathroom. If someone else talks, cough three times. (God doesn't like it when people talk while not fully clothed.)
One should not talk in the toilet without absolute necessity but if a person outside is calling and does not know then cough thrice to make them aware. ... When two people talk when the body is uncovered Allah (The Exalted) is displeased. (1)
[A] man passed by the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) whilst he was urinating, and greeted him. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him: “If you see me in this state, do not greet me, because if you do, I will not respond.” (Reported by Ibn Maajah, 346; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 575). The majority of scholars say that it is makrooh (disliked) to speak in the restroom unnecessarily. (2)
Wipe your butt with your left hand, using at least three pebbles. But don't use bones or dung, for, as Muhammad said, "They are the food of the jinn."
Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that he used to carry a vessel for the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) to do wudoo’ and clean himself after answering the call of nature. Whilst he was following him, he (the Prophet) asked, “Who is that?” He said: “I am Abu Hurayrah.” He said: “Get me some stones I can use to clean myself, but do not bring me any bones or dung.” So I brought him some stones, carrying them in the hem of my garment, and placed them by his side, then I went away. When he had finished, I came back and asked him, “What is wrong with bones and dung?” He said: “They are the food of the jinn.” (2)
No one shall make "Estinjaa" without using three stones. ... The prophet SAAWS asked his servant (Abdullah Ibn Masood) to bring him three stones for "Estinja", Ibn Masood RAA only found two stones so he brought him a piece of animal's droppings (dung) that was dry. When the prophet saw it, he threw it away and said that it is Najasah (impure). ... "Salman was once asked: Your prophet teaches you everything, even how to relieve yourselves? Salman said: Certainly.... he forbade us from facing the Qiblah while doing so, from cleaning ourselves with our right hand, and from cleaning ourselves with less than three stones. (3)
When you're done, wash your private parts with water. (Muhammad didn't have to do this, though, because his pee was special.)
Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) narrates that, 'The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) went to answer the call of nature, 'Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) bought some water. The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'What is this'' He replied, 'Water for cleansing (Istinja).' The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'It has not been made necessary (Wajib) upon me after urinating to cleanse myself with water.'(1)
Watch out for jinns and devils. They like to hang out in bathrooms and mess with your private parts.
[T]he Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'These toilets are peopled by Jinn and devils, so when one of you goes there say, 'I seek protection in you from the male and female devil.'' Meaning pray the supplication before entering the toilet.
The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'When one of you intends to go to the toilet then recite 'Bismillah' a veil will be placed between the jinn and the parts of your body.' This should be recited before entering the toilet. (1)
When you're all done, leave with your right foot.
When leaving the toilet one should step out with the right foot. (1)
After leaving, say a little prayer to the toilet god.
Once outside the toilet read this supplication: 'O Allah I seek Your pardon. All praises are due to Allah who has taken away from me discomfort and granted me relief.' (1)
When leaving the toilet, he should say: “Ghufraanak (I seek Your forgiveness).” (2)
If you fail to follow any of these rules, the invisible bathroom devils will give you some sort of mental illness.
We should try and learn these short supplications and practise them too. If we do not seek Allah's (The Exalted) protection from the devils, then there is a chance we can be affected with mental illnesses from the devils. We can not see the devils and when you can not see your enemy they are more dangerous. (1)
So you see what I mean. If you follow all those rules every time you go to the bathroom, you won't have much time for anything else.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 Sunnah of Going to the Bathroom (Toilet)
2 Muslim Bathroom Etiquette
3 Istinjaa - Bathroom Etiquette
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/28/2012 12:35:00 PM 63 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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15 January 2012Tebow 136: God's message from last night's game
In last week's overtime win against the Steelers, Tim Tebow threw for 316 yards. And, of course, believers everywhere immediately knew that God was trying to tell us all something.
You see, God carefully arranged (fixed) the game so that Tebow's passing yards would match the numbers of his favorite verse -- the only verse that he and his followers seem to know or care much about -- John 3:16.
God, it seems, likes to communicate using Tim Tebow's stats.
So what was God saying in last night's game against the Patriots?
Well, God is really into passing yardage, and last night Tebow passed for 136 yards.
Which could only mean one thing: God wants us all to read and obey a particular Bible verse involving the digits in the number 136.
After a careful check of the Bible, I think I know what verse God had in mind: Deuteronomy 13:6 (and following verses).
Here's what God says in the passage beginning with that verse:
13:6 If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;
13:8 Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him:
13:9 But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.
13:10 And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die.
God wants us to stone to death our family and friends, without pity (God hates pity), if they encourage us to worship the wrong god. (Which, of course, would include any Mormons, Catholics, Jews, Muslims, etc.)
I can't wait to see Tebow's eye-black for next season's opening game!
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/15/2012 02:54:00 PM 15 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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14 January 2012Mitt Romney and the Curse of Blackness
Obey Hendricks has a great article at HuffingtonPost entitled, "Mitt Romney and the Curse of Blackness." Here are some excerpts.
...there is something about Mitt Romney's religion that I find deeply troubling, particularly in light of the possibility that he could become the next president of this nation. What concerns me is this: the Book of Mormon, the book that Mitt Romney and all Mormons embrace as divinely revealed scripture ... declares that black people are cursed. That's right. Cursed. And not only accursed, but lazy and aesthetically ugly to boot.
...the Book of Morman says it explicitly and in numerous passages: black people are cursed by God and our dark skin is the evidence of our accursedness. Here are a few examples:
And the Lord had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them (2 Nephi 5:21).
And I beheld, after they had dwindled in unbelief they became a dark and loathsome and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations (1 Nephi 12:23).
O my brethren, I fear that unless ye shall repent of your sins that their skins will be whiter than yours, when ye shall be brought with them before the throne of God. (Jacob 3:8).
And the skins of the Lamanites were dark, according to the mark which was set upon their fathers, which was a curse upon them because of their transgression and their rebellion against their brethren, who consisted of Nephi, Jacob, and Joseph, and Sam, who were just and holy men (Alma 3: 6).
...at no time has Mitt Romney ever publicly indicated that he seriously questioned the divine inspiration of the Book of Mormon's teachings about race, much less that he has repudiated them. It is true that in a 2008 Meet the Press interview with the late Tim Russert, Romney did vigorously assert his belief in equal rights for all Americans in every facet of life. As part of that narrative, he cited his parents' "tireless" advocacy for blacks' civil rights, including the dramatic exit of his father, Michigan Governor George Romney, from the 1964 Republican convention as a protest against nominee Barry Goldwater's racial politics. He also shared that he wept when he learned of Spencer Kimball's aforementioned revelation. Yet from Romney's remarks it is not clear whether he wept for joy because Mormonism was eschewing its segregationist policies or if he wept from relief that the announcement promised to quiet the public outrage that those policies were causing. And significantly, while he recited his parents' efforts to confront racial injustice, Mitt Romney pointed to no such activities of his own.
...Mitt Romney himself owes it to America to address the issue. Why? Because Romney was tutored into adulthood by a holy book that declares that all Americans like me are cursed by God. And he is not only a believer; he has served as a leader in his faith.
....when Tim Russert invited Romney to repudiate his Church's racist legacy on Meet the Press, Romney refused.
That is why, Mr. Romney, as an American citizen whose president you seek to become, I must insist that you honestly and forthrightly attest to me and all Americans of goodwill that you actually can be my president, too, fully and completely. You can accomplish this by publicly disavowing the portions of your holy book that so sorely denigrate the humanity of me, my loved ones and all people of black African descent.
It is incumbent that you do this, candidate Romney, for the sake of all Americans.
No one should vote for Mitt Romney unless he does exactly that.
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/14/2012 07:08:00 PM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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25 February 2012Who had the most powerful spit: Jesus or Muhammad?
This is an important question.
Luckily, the gospels and Ash-Shifa can answer it for us. (Ash-Shifa is a 12th century biography of Muhammad that is considered authoritative throughout the Muslim world.)
Let's take Jesus' spit first.
In Mark's gospel, Jesus cured a deaf man by putting some of his holy spit on the deaf man's tongue.
And they bring unto him one that was deaf, and had an impediment in his speech ... And he ... put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue ... And straightway his ears were opened, and the string of his tongue was loosed, and he spake plain. Mark 7:32-35
And he cured a blind man by spitting on (or in) his eyes.
And they bring a blind man unto him ... And ... he ... spit on his eyes [and] asked him if he saw ought. And he looked up, and said, I see men as trees, walking. After that he put his hands again upon his eyes, and made him look up: and he was restored, and saw every man clearly. Mark 8:22-25
The only other gospel that mentions Jesus' spit is John, which says that another blind man (or was it the same one?) was cured with mud made with Jesus spit followed by a holy water bath.
And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him .... When he had thus spoken, he spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay, And said unto him, Go, wash in the pool of Siloam ... He ... washed, and came seeing. John 9:1-7
Now let's consider the spit of the Prophet Muhammad (PB&J be upon him).
(All quotes are taken from Ash-Shifa.)
Just like Jesus, Muhammad cured blind and deaf people by spitting in their eyes or ears.
Habib, either the son of Fudayk or Furayk's said that his father's eyes became so white that he had no vision at all. The Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva in to his eyes whereupon his vision was immediately restored. He was even seen threading a needle at the age of eighty! (p. 188)
At the Battle of Khybar, Ali's eyes became very painful. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva on them and they were immediately healed. (p. 188)
A lady from Khuth'am had a child who was mute. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, asked for some water to be brought with which he rinsed his mouth and washed hands. Then he gave it to the mother and told her to wash the child and wipe him with it. The mother did as the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, had said and the child was no longer mute and had an intellect superior to most people. (p. 189)
And like Moses, he could make water miraculously appear. But he didn't have to strike a rock with his rod or even speak to the rock. He did it all with his spit.
At Hudaybiyah, we are told by Al Bara', there were approximately 14,000 men, and the water well they found was insufficient to provide for even fifty sheep. The Companions crowded around the well until not one single drop remained. Then, the Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, came and sat beside it and a pail was brought to him in which he blew some of his saliva and supplicated. Salama reported that he either supplicated or blew some of his salvia in it whereupon water gushed forth and there was sufficient water for themselves and enough to fill their containers. (p. 170)
Like Jesus, Muhammad cured people with mud made with his own spit. But Muhammad's muddy spit treatment was administered orally rather than topically.
Mula'ib's son suffered from an edema of water fluid, and sent a messenger to the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, to tell him of his condition. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, took some dust from the ground, blew some of his salvia upon it and gave to the Mula'ib's messenger who was amazed and took it fearing that he would be laughed at. He returned to Mulai'b's son who was now on the verge of death and gave it to him. He consumed it and Allah cured him.
And Muhammad's spit, unlike Jesus', cured more than just blind and deaf people. It also worked on burn and hernia patients.
There was a lady who brought her possessed son to the Prophet, praise and peace be upon, and Abbas' son tells us that the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, stroked his chest whereupon the child vomited something that resembled a black puppy and was immediately cured. We are also told of the time Muhammad, Hatim's son was a child and a boiling pot overturned on his arm, the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, stroked it, supplicated, then blew some of his salvia on it and it was immediately healed. (p. 189)
A man came to him suffering from a hernia. He instructed that it be sprinkled with water from a spring into which he had blown some saliva. After this had been carried out the man was cured. (p. 196)
Bad mannered girls behave much better after eating food from Muhammad's mouth. (There's nothing like this in the gospels.)
A girl who was in the service of the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, asked him for some food when he was eating and as he never refused anyone anything he gave her what was in front of him. The girl was persistent and said, "I want the food in your mouth." So he gave her what was in his mouth. After she had swallowed it, she became well mannered and the change was apparent for all to see, and she became among the most well mannered girls of Medina. (p. 189)
Many soldiers were completely healed by rubbing Muhammad spit on their wounds. (Something similar occurred during Jesus' arrest, when a man with a severed ear was restored by Jesus' touch. But since no spit was involved, it doesn't count in the holy spit competition.)
Abu Sa'id Al Khudri said that the Prophet, praise and peace, be upon him, put some of his saliva on the mark made by the arrow on the Day of Dhu Qarad and Abu Katada told him that it neither throbbed nor yet became infected. (p. 187)
During the Battle of Uhud, Kulthum Hussain's son was shot in his throat. The Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva upon it and it healed immediately. Abdullah, Anies' son was also among those injured during the encounter and sustained a wound to his head, once again the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva upon it and it did not turn septic. (p. 188)
Salama, Al Akwa's son sustained a wound to his thigh during the battle and a similar miracle occurred whereby he too was immediately healed. (p. 188)
And finally, and most impressively, Muhammad cured amputees with his spit. (Not even God can do that!)
It was during the Battle of Badr that Abu Jahl severed the hand of Mu'awwidh, Afra's son. Mu'awwidh went to the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him carrying his severed hand, whereupon the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva on it, replaced it was immediately miraculously rejoined to his arm. It was during the same battle Wahb's son tells us that Khubaby, Yasaf's son was severely struck on the neck and half of it was severed. The Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, blew his salvia upon it and it was immediately healed. (p. 188-9)
So Muhammad wins the holy spit contest. I guess we should all convert to Islam. (What more evidence could anyone ever ask for?)
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/25/2012 10:10:00 AM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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23 February 2012David Barton: Life begins at last call (Jeremiah 1:5)
David Barton (the psuedo-historian that Mike Huckabee wants every American to be 'forced at gun point' to listen to) says that "life begins before conception." (Jeremiah 1:5)
Or as Seth Meyers put it, "Life begins at last call."
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/23/2012 09:45:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Bryan Fischer: We need a president who will make a bronze serpent to protect us from God's fiery serpents
God, I love it when fundamentalists quote Numbers 21.
You remember Numbers 21, don't you? It's the one where the Israelites complain about the lack of food and water, so God sends snakes to bite them, and many of them die.
So the people ask Moses to ask God to call off the snakes. And that's when God came up with a wonderful plan. He told Moses to make a bronze (brass in the KJV) serpent and stick it on a pole. Then, when the snake-bite victims look at it, they won't die.
So that's what Moses did.
And that, according to Bryan Fischer, is what we need our next president to do. Make a bronze serpent to protect us from God's fiery serpents.
It will probably be Rick Stantorum's first act as president.
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/23/2012 08:52:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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12 February 2012Happy Darwin Day!
To celebrate Charles Darwin's 203rd birthday, I attended Darwin on the Palouse on Thursday at Washington State University and at the University of Idaho on Friday. It was sponsored by the Palouse Coalition of Reason, and featured presentations by Daniel Dennett, PZ Myers, Fred Edwords, and Jen McCreight. It was as close to heaven as I'll ever come.
I don't have time to report on the presentations, but since they were videotaped, I'll post a link to them when they become available.
Still, I feel like I ought to say a few words in honor of Darwin on his birthday. Or better yet, I'll let him speak for himself.
Here's a quote from the introduction to The Descent of Man.
It has often and confidently been asserted, that man's origin can never be known: but ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge: it is those who know little, and not those who know much, who so positively assert that this or that problem will never be solved by science.
14 March 2012 Update: Here's the Daniel Dennett talk.
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/12/2012 12:10:00 PM 18 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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03 February 2012What the Book of Mormon says about the poor (and why Mitt Romney should be concerned about them)
The morning after winning the Florida primary, Mitt Romney said "he wasn't concerned about the very poor" in an interview with Soledad O'Brien of CNN.
The next day at the National Prayer Breakfast, President Obama expressed just the opposite point of view. Here are some excepts, along with the corresponding bible verses.
... the biblical call [is] to care for the least of these –- for the poor; for those at the margins of our society. To answer the responsibility we’re given in Proverbs to “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.” (Proverbs 31:8-10)
...
John tells us that, “If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.” (1 John 3:17)
There were, of course, some misapplied biblical references to "Am I my brother's keeper" (Genesis 4:9) and "For unto whom much is given, much shall be required." (Luke 12:48). But Obama made his point: he's a better Christian than Romney.
Still if I were writing Obama's speech, I'd have thrown in Proverbs 29:17, just for Mitt "I'm not concerned about the poor" Romney.
The righteous considereth the cause of the poor: but the wicked regardeth not to know it.
So we've pretty well established that Mitt isn't much of a Christian. But we already knew that. He's a Mormon.
And what the does Book of Mormon say about poor people?
Plenty, as it turns out. Here are some excerpts.
Ye will administer of your substance unto him that standeth in need; and ye will not suffer that the beggar putteth up his petition to you in vain, and turn him out to perish. (Mosiah 4:16)
Ye ought to impart of the substance that ye have one to another. (Mosiah 4:21)
Impart of your substance to the poor, every man according to that which he hath. (Mosiah 4:26)
They did impart of their substance, every man according to that which he had, to the poor, and the needy, and the sick, and the afflicted; and ... they were liberal to all. (Alma 1:27-30)
Yea, he saw great inequality among the people ... turning their backs upon the needy and the naked and those who were hungry, and those who were athirst, and those who were sick and afflicted. (Alma 4:12)
Will you persist in turning your backs upon the poor, and the needy, and in withholding your substance from them? (Alma 5:55)
So I guess Mitt Romney isn't a very good Mormon either.
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/03/2012 10:21:00 AM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Dwindling In Unbelief
29 March 2012Richard Dawkins and Michael Aus discuss the Clergy Project
The morning after the Reason Rally, Michael Aus was on the Chris Hayes Show, where he first came out as a non-believing Christian minister. Here is another interview, this time with Richard Dawkins.
Here's an excerpt.
Dawkins: What first led to those doubts?
Aus: What really first started it was actually paying attention to the Bible.
Dawkins: I'm not surprised.
Aus: Yeah, it seems silly that you work with the Lectionary week in and week out, teach Bible studies, and you start to see the inconsistencies, the fabrications, and the fascinating thing about this to me is that you don't have to be a Bible scholar to see this stuff.
Dawkins: It's not just the fabrications, it's the sheer unpleasantness.
Aus: Unpleasantness. It's brutal. The genocides, the slaughters, the oppression of women, the support for slavery, it goes on and on. There are a few gems of wisdom in the Bible, but you have to dig to find them.
Dawkins: Of course, we can always say that that was then and we've moved on. But, of course, we have moved on, and that's the point, istn't it?
Aus: Yes, exactly!
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/29/2012 08:24:00 AM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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27 March 2012John Hagee explains how and why the world will end in 2012
John Hagee explains it all in less that 20 minutes. (See video below.)
The sermon begins with the rhetorical question:
Could 2012 be the end of the world as we know it?
The rest of the sermon provides Hagee's answer.
But before getting in to that, Pastor Hagee tells us what "God's point of view" is with respect to homosexuals. (God wants us to kill them.)
The word homosexual does not appear in the Bible, but the concept is clearly expressed by Moses in Leviticus 20:13, it says, "If a man lies with another man as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed abomination. They shall surely be put to death." That's God's point of view.
And that he's "thrilled out of his ever-loving mind" that he'll soon be raptured before the Antichrist shows up.
I gladly tell you that I am a born again, Bible-believing Christian and I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And I am thrilled out of my ever-loving mind that when the trumpet of God sounds, I'm out of here before the Antichrist shows up with hell incorporated.
With that out of the way, he begins to fly through the book of Revelation, telling us about the monstrous ecological things that God will do to our planet in the coming months.
I'm going to fly through the chapters of the book of Revelation like a speeding bullet. In the Book of Revelation there are seven seals, seven trumpets, and seven vials. Twenty-one monstrous ecological things that happen to literally devastate the planet Earth.
God will start things off by burning up 1/3 of the Earth's vegetation. (Hagee believes in global warming, but it's not human-caused, it's God-caused.)
One-third of the vegetation of the Earth is burned up (Revelation 8:7).
Then hordes of horse-sized locusts will sting people, torturing them for five months, and making them wish they were dead. (But the God of love won't let them die.)
The gates of hell are opened and hordes of locusts, the Bible says, the size of a horse will come up out of the bottomless pit and sting men like a scorpion. (Rev 9:2-6) The pain will last for five months. And men will beg God to let them die. But they cannot find death, the Bible says that.
After that, there'll be a bloody war, where, according to my calculation, about 24 trillion people will be killed.
A world war so bloody that the blood of those killed in battle will flow for 200 miles to the bridles of a horse. (Rev 14:20)
God will cover any survivors with boils from head to toe.
Every person on earth who has taken the mark of the beast in his right hand or forehead will be covered from head to feet with running boils. (Rev 16:2)
Then he'll turn the sea into blood.
The seven seas of the earth will turn to blood. (Rev 16:3-4)
And send an world-wide earthquake that will level mountains and sink islands.
Now you have the Bible describe a world-wide earthquake so monstrous that the mountains of the world are leveled, and that the islands of the sea disappear. (Rev 16:18-20)
Next God will burn the earth with fire, causing us all to run to the mountains, where we'll chew on our tongues while asking the mountains to fall on us.
The sun will scorch the Earth with fire, and mighty men, the Bible says, and kings and men of war will gnaw their tongues in pain and they will crawl into the mountains, and the book of Revelation says they will cry to the mountains, "Fall on us and kill us, to hide us from the wrath of the lamb that's on the throne." (Rev 16:8-11)
Then God will release four angels to kill 1/3 of the human population in a one day. The exact hour for this holy massacre is specified somewhere in Genesis 1, but only God and John Hagee know it.
I ask you, read Revelation 9:15, it's the sixth trumpet. There are four angels released by God himself to destroy one-third of mankind in one day. The Bible says there is a year, a month, a day, and an hour that God picked out from Genesis 1. One-third of mankind on that day, by the will and hand of God, will be destroyed.
That's right. God is going to kill 2.3 billion people in a single day later this year. And if you have a hard time believing that, read Genesis 7:4-23.
You say, I have a hard time believing that. May I refer you to Noah's Flood? Believe it.
Among the dead will be 100 million Americans, one for each aborted fetus, by God and John Hagee's calculation.
In America we have something over 300 million people. That means 100 million people in 24 hours, gone. I believe that God will require a life for every child killed in abortion clinics in America. I believe that's where the tally is going to be set.
So that's ho the world will end. Here's why it will be in 2012.
There are three independent pieces of evidence that when taken together are absolutely convincing.
1. Satellite TV
So why is it coming now? ... I listened to my father and grandfather sit and discuss the fact that the whole world would see the two witnesses killed on the streets of Jerusalem in one hour. (Revelation 11:3-12) They thought there was something in the text that was absolutely false because it was not believable. There was no television at that point in time. Television was born, but we still didn't get it. Then satellite television came in and ding, ding, ding, ding, ding -- we got it. This is how Elijah and Enoch are going to be seen in the city of Jerusalem, when the Antichrist is going to be permitted to kill them. They're going to line in the streets of Jerusalem and the world is going to see them at one time over internet television. The world is going to be so happy that there dead. Remember there's nothing on earth at this time but devil-worshiping, Antichrist-following people. They hate these two men of God. The world is going to be so thrilled their dead, thy're going to give gifts to each other like it's Christmas when they die. But three and a half days later they're going to stand to their feet ... and be lifted from the ground, back into the presence of God. And the whole world will watch them --- woooooweee! ... That couldn't happen before satellite television.
2. Nuclear warfare
And there was another section of verses that my parents couldn't understand, where God said that this is a plague that I will send to those that fight against Israel. That I will cause the flesh to fall from their bones before their body can hit the ground, and their eyes shall melt in their sockets and their tongue in their mouth. (Zechariah 14:12) There was no way we could understand that. And then came atomic warfare and nuclear warfare.
3. Israel
And then there's the birth of Israel. ... Every major prophecy in the Old Testament said there would be a day that God would bring Israel back home. ... That happened May the 15, 1948.
There are about twelve other reasons that Pastor Hagee didn't have time to tell us about. But these three are the most convincing and they are sufficient.
It's not rocket science, people. It's all in the Bible.
There are about twelve of those prophetic signs I don't have time to give you, but you don't have to be a rocket scientist or a theologian to understand what I've just said. That's all in the Bible.
Dwindling In Unbelief
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28 April 2012A Perfect Case for Biblical Justice: Thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her
When reading God's commandment in Deuteronomy 25:11-12, have you ever wondered if such a punishment is really necessary?
Here's the passage.
When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.
Well, wonder no more.
China News 24 reports that a woman came to the assistance of her husband in a fight by grabbing the other man's testicles. She squeezed them so hard, in fact, that the man died.
Now, thanks to the Bible, we know what to do with her.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/28/2012 11:26:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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The Book of Job
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/28/2012 07:13:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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27 April 2012Mitt Romney: The Ryan budget is a marvelous work and a wonder
A few weeks ago, President Obama made fun of Mitt Romney for describing Paul Ryan's budget as "marvelous" by saying,
Marvelous is a word you don't often hear when it comes to describing a budget. It's a word that you don't often hear generally.
Which is true, generally, unless you're a Mormon.
Mormons love the word "marvelous." It was one of Joseph Smith's favorite words. He used it 50 times in the book of Mormon, compared to the 24 times it is found in the King James Version of the Bible. And since the Bible is nearly five times as big as the Book of Mormon, the Book of Mormon is about ten times as "marvelous" as the Bible.
Here's a table to summarize the marvelousness of these two marvelous books.
Bible Book of Mormon
Marvelous 24 50
number of verses 31,102 6553
Occurrences per 10,000 verses 7.7 76.3
But one of the phrases that Joseph Smith loved the most was "a marvelous work and a wonder." He used it to describe his own work, the Book of Mormon, and Mormons have used it as a code name for their sacred text ever since.
Here is how the phrase is used in Mitt Romney's third favorite book. (His favorite book is either Battlefield Earth or the Bible.)
And the Lord will set his hand again the second time to restore his people from their lost and fallen state. Wherefore, he will proceed to do a marvelous work and a wonder among the children of men. 2 Nephi 25:17
Therefore, I will proceed to do a marvelous work among this people, yea, a marvelous work and a wonder, for the wisdom of their wise and learned shall perish, and the understanding of their prudent shall be hid.2 Nephi 27:26
So when Romney called the Ryan budget "marvelous," he was using a word that is often heard in Mormondom. I suspect that if Romney was fully unzipped, he would say it is "a marvelous work and a wonder" just like the Book of Mormon.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/27/2012 09:41:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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23 April 2012The Book of Mormon: The whiter the skin, the closer to God
Tim Giago, the founder of the Native American Journalist Association, has an excellent article with this title at the Huffington Post. It inspired me to find the verses in the Book of Mormon that mention skin color.
Here's what I found. Let me know if I missed any.
Mary (Jesus's mother) was exceedingly fair and white.
And it came to pass that I looked and beheld the great city of Jerusalem, and also other cities. And I beheld the city of Nazareth; and in the city of Nazareth I beheld a virgin, and she was exceedingly fair and white. 1 Nephi 11:13
Jesus, of course, was as white as his mom, as were his disciples. Indeed, after they were blessed by Jesus, the disciples became whiter than anything else on earth -- as white as Jesus even!
It came to pass that Jesus blessed them as they did pray unto him; and his countenance did smile upon them, and the light of his countenance did shine upon them, and behold they were as white as the countenance and also the garments of Jesus; and behold the whiteness thereof did exceed all the whiteness, yea, even there could be nothing upon earth so white as the whiteness thereof. 3 Nephi 19:25
And when Jesus had spoken these words he came again unto his disciples; and behold they did pray steadfastly, without ceasing, unto him; and he did smile upon them again; and behold they were white, even as Jesus. 3 Nephi 19:30
The Nephites (God's favorite people) were also white and exceedingly delightsome.
It came to pass that the people of Nephi did wax strong, and did multiply exceedingly fast, and became an exceedingly fair and delightsome people. 4 Nephi 10
Even the Gentiles (white, non-Mormon Protestants in Mormon-speak) were exceedingly fair and beautiful.
And I beheld the Spirit of the Lord, that it was upon the Gentiles, and they did prosper and obtain the land for their inheritance; and I beheld that they were white, and exceedingly fair and beautiful, like unto my people before they were slain. 1 Nephi 13:15
But the Lamanites (or Native Americans) were not. They were once "a delightsome people," but God made them a dark-skinned, "filthy and loathsome people, led about by Satan" because of their unbelief and idolatry.
This people ... shall become a dark, a filthy, and a loathsome people ... because of their unbelief and idolatry. ... They were once a delightsome people ... But now, behold, they are led about by Satan. Mormon 5:15-18
Still, there is some hope for Native Americans. If they convert to Mormonism, their skins will turn white, and they will become a "delightsome." (The original "white" in this verse was later changed to "pure" to soften the obvious racism of this prophecy.)
And then shall they rejoice; for they shall know that it is a blessing unto them from the hand of God; and their scales of darkness shall begin to fall from their eyes; and many generations shall not pass away among them, save they shall be a pure and delightsome people. 2 Nephi 30:6
It happened before. God removed his curse from the "good" Lamanites (the ones that "united with the Nephites"), and they "became exceedingly fair, with skins "white like unto the Nephites."
It came to pass that those Lamanites who had united with the Nephites were numbered among the Nephites; And their curse was taken from them, and their skin became white like unto the Nephites; And their young men and their daughters became exceedingly fair, and they were numbered among the Nephites. 3 Nephi 2:14
And it can happen to you, too. If you turn to God and become Mormon, God will make your skin spotless, pure, fair, and white.
O then ye unbelieving, turn ye unto the Lord; cry mightily unto the Father in the name of Jesus, that perhaps ye may be found spotless, pure, fair, and white. Mormon 9:6
So there you have it. According to the Book of Mormon, the whiter the skin, the closer to God.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/23/2012 04:35:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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21 April 2012A Green Bible Verse for Earth Day
Repost for Earth Day
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is a verse that is marked green in the world's most dishonest book -- The Green Bible.
Therefore thus says the Lord God: My anger and my wrath shall be poured out on this place, on human beings and animals, on the trees of the field and the fruit of the ground; it will burn and not be quenched. Jeremiah 7:20, The Green Bible
I have no idea why it's marked green, except that the words "animals", "trees", and "fruit" are in it.
And yet when you read chapter 7 of Jeremiah, the meaning of this verse is clear enough: God's wrath will be poured out on the environment to punish humans for worshiping incorrectly.
There are no green Bible verses. There are only verses dishonestly marked green in the Green Bible.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/21/2012 02:16:00 PM 18 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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20 April 2012Martin Basher: Book of Mormon condemns Mitt Romney to hell
Mitt Romney is going to hell, if the Book of Mormon is true, that is.
Martin Basher pointed this out on his MSNBC show by exposing a few of Mitt's more recent lies and quoting from Mormon scripture.
The first quote is from the Doctrine and Covenants.
(Mislabeled in the video as "Book of Mormon" -- The Doctrine and Covenants is a part of LDS scripture but it is not in the Book of Mormon.)
All liars, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie, and the whoremonger and the sorcerer, shall have their part in that lake which burneth with fire and brimstone which is the second death. Doctrine and Covenants 63:17
The second is from 2 Nephi. (9:34, not 2:34 as said in the video)
Wo unto the liar for he shall be thrust down to hell. 2 Nephi 9:34
Here's the video.
Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/20/2012 08:32:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 April 2012Achieving a Celestial Marriage: What Mitt and Ann Romney believe about God, marriage, and working moms
What does Mitt Romney believe about working mothers?
Well, as with most things Mitt Romney says, it depends on when you ask. Lately he says that "all moms are working moms"; a few months ago he said that "even if you have a child two years of age, you need to go to work." But the apparent inconsistency is easily resolved: the first statement referred to wealthy moms (like his wife, Ann) and the latter statement to everyone else.
So what does Mitt Romney really believe about working moms? To find out, we need to see what the Mormon church teaches about God, marriage, and working mothers.
Fortunately, it's all laid out in Achieving a Celestial Marriage, the LDS Church's official manual for instructing young Mormons about marriage.
Here are some excerpts. (Emphasis in the original)
First, about God.
GOD WAS ONCE A MORTAL MAN
(1-2) He Lived on an Earth Like Our Own
"God himself was once as we are now, and is an exalted man, and sits enthroned in yonder heavens!" Joseph Smith, Teachings, p. 345
(1-3) He Experienced Conditions Similar to Our Own and Advanced Step by Step
GOD IS NOW AN EXALTED MAN WITH POWERS OF ETERNAL INCREASE
(1-4) Our Father in Heaven Lives in an Exalted Marriage Relationship
(1-5) We are Literal Children of God, Part of His Family Unit
(1-6) We Lived with Our Heavenly Parents Prior to Coming to Earth
WE ARE GODS IN EMBRYO
(1-7) We Have the Potential to Become like Our Heavenly Parents
About Marriage
EXALTATION IS ATTAINABLE ONLY IN FAMILY UNITS
ONLY THROUGH CELESTIAL MARRIAGE CAN A PERSON BECOME LIKE GOD
(1-12) The Lord Commands Marriage
(1-13) Exaltation is Based on Celestial Marriage
"No man shall receive the fulness of eternity, of exaltation, alone, no woman shall receive that blessing alone; but man and wife, when they receive the sealing power in the temple of the Lord, if they thereafter keep all the commandments, shall pass on to exaltation, and shall continue and become like the Lord." ( Joseph Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, 2:43-44)
(1-14) "Then Shall They Be Gods, Because They Have No End"
(1-15) Only Resurrected and Glorified Geings May Become Parents of Spirit Offspring
(1-19) Celestial Marriage Makes it Possible for Us to Claim Our Mortal Children in Eternity As Well As to Propagate Ourselves Throughout Eternity
"We will become gods and have jurisdiction over worlds, and they worlds will be peopled by our own offspring." (Joseph Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, 2:43-44, 48)
About Contraception and Birth Control
BIRTH CONTROL -- THE CHURCH'S STAND
(16-6) Those Who Practice Birth Control Will Reap Disappointment
(16-8) The Root Reasons for Birth Control
"... in most cases the desire not to have children has its birth in vanity, passion, and selfishness."
(16-10) Unwillingness to Have Children -- an Onslaught Against the Home
GOSPEL ANSWERS TO THE POPULATION EXPLOSION PROBLEM
"The precepts of men would have you believe that by limiting the population of the world, we can have peace and plenty. That is the doctrine of the devil." (Ezra Taft Benson in CR, Apr. 1969, p. 12
And, finally, about working moms
THE WOMAN: WIFE, HELPMEET, AND MOTHER
(14-8) Present-Day Allurements Versus the True Responsibilities and Influence of Women
"It is of great concern to all who understand this glorious concept that Satan and his cohorts are using scientific arguments and nefarious propaganda to lure women away from their primary responsibilities as wives, mothers, and homemakers. We hear so much about emancipatioon, independence, sexuual liberation, birth control, abortion, and other insidious propaganda belittling the role of motherhood, all of which is Satan's way of destroying woman, the hom, and the famliy -- the basic unit of society. . . ."
(14-14) It is Seldom Justifiable for Mothers to Work
"How can mothers justify their abandonmnet of home when they are needed so much by their offspring? Rationalization must take over as they justfy themselves in leaving home and children." Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, pp. 116-17.)
So there you have it. That is what Mitt and Ann Romney believe about working moms. They believe that there shouldn't be any (Except for "working moms" like Ann Romney).
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/16/2012 09:21:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Your ziff is safe with Mitt (What the Book of Mormon says about taxes)
(Re-post for tax time)
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I know Romney doesn't like to talk about his Mormon faith. And it's unconstitutional for us to ask him about it or even think about it. But I just can't help it.
What does the Book of Mormon say about politics? Taxes, for example.
Well here's a quote from Mitt's second or third favorite book, the Book of Mormon. (His favorite book is either Battlefield Earth or the Bible.)
And now it came to pass [things often come to pass in the Book of Mormon] that Zeniff [don't you just love Book of Mormon names?] conferred the kingdom upon Noah, one of his sons; therefore Noah began to reign in his stead; and he did not walk in the ways of his father. For behold, he did not keep the commandments of God, but he did walk after the desires of his own heart. And he had many wives and concubines. And he did cause his people to commit sin, and do that which was abominable in the sight of the Lord. Yea, and they did commit whoredoms and all manner of wickedness. And he laid a tax of one fifth part of all they possessed, a fifth part of their gold and of their silver, and a fifth part of their ziff, and of their copper, and of their brass and their iron; and a fifth part of their fatlings; and also a fifth part of all their grain. Mosiah 11:1-3
So King Noah was a bad guy (everyone in the Book of Mormon is either a good guy or a bad guy) who didn't keep God's commandments, had lots of wives (like Joseph Smith), and did all kinds of abominable things in front of God and everybody (also like Joseph Smith). And this bad king taxed the people 20% of all their gold, silver, copper, brass, iron, fatlings, and grain. Oh, and on their ziff, too.
Now only a bad king would put a 20% flat tax on everything, including ziff.
The point of these verses (if there is a point) is that taxes are evil and a flat tax of 20% is especially evil. Just what the heck ziff might be is another matter entirely.
Mormon apologists admit that they don't really know what ziff was, but they say it might have been some type of metal. But I doubt it.
I bet it was beer.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/16/2012 08:05:00 AM 19 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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12 April 2012Book of Mormon Action Figures: Before and After the Curse of Blackness
This is, without a doubt, one of my favorite items: Book of Mormon Action Figures. (They're even better than those from My Dinner with Andre.)
Here, for example, is Laman, before and after God darkened his skin.
But in order to really appreciate them, you need to know something about Laman and his descendants (the Native Americans), as told in the Book of Mormon.
"Laman and (his evil brother) Lemuel ... were like unto the Jews." (Being like a Jew is about as bad as it gets in the Book of Mormon.) 1 Nephi 2:11-13
Laman was "white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome" before the curse, but God caused "a skin of blackness" to come upon him for disobeying his older brother Nephi. 2 Nephi 5:21
God also cursed the Lamanites (Laman's descendants) causing their skin to turn dark and making them "loathsome" to His people (the Nephites). 2 Nephi 5:22, Alma 3:8
God forbids intermarriage between the Nephites and Lamanites. Those who mix seed with the Lamanites will be cursed by God with "the same cursing". (Their skin will be blackened.) 2 Nephi 5:23, Alma 3:9
God's curse on the Lamanites caused them to become a sinful, polluted, filthy, idle, ferocious, bloodthirsty, and loathsome people, who delighted in murdereing, robbing, and plundering. God cursed them because of what their fathers did. 2 Nephi 5:24, Alma 17:14-15, 26:24, Jacob 3:5, Enos 1:20, Mosiah 10:12, 25:11
If you don't repent, God will make your skin even darker than that of the Lamanites. Jacob 3:8
The Lamanites "loved murder and would drink the blood of beasts." Jarom 1:6
The Lamanites shaved their heads and ran around naked. Mosiah 10:8, Alma 3:5-6, 43:37, 44:17
God loved the Nephites, but hated the Lamanites "because of the iniquity of the tradition of their fathers." Helaman 15:3-4
God removed his curse from the "good" Lamanites (the ones that "united with the Nephites"), and they "became exceedingly fair, with skins "white like unto the Nephites." 3 Nephi 2:14-16
"The Lamanites ... did teach their children that they should not believe." 4 Nephi 38
The Lamanites (or Native Americans) were once "a delightsome people", but God made them a dark-skinned, "filthy and loathsome people, led about by Satan" because of their unbelief and idolatry. Mormon 5:15-18
I wonder if Mitt Romney loves these action figures as much a I do.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/12/2012 09:37:00 AM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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06 April 2012Bad Friday: Greater evil hath no man than this, that he is willing to kill his own son (for any fucking reason).
The three "great" Abrahamic faiths trace their origin to Abraham's willingness to sacrifice his son to God. Jews and Christians believe the story told in Genesis 22, in which God tells Abraham to kill his son, Isaac, for him.
God ... said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and .. and offer him there for a burnt offering. (Genesis 22:1)
(Actually God was wrong about the "only son" thing, because Abraham, at the time, had two sons, not one. Abraham had already abandoned his first son, Ishmael, and his mother, Hagar -- with God's consent and blessing. So I guess Isaac was Abraham's only son, at least as far as he and God were concerned.)
God didn't make Abraham do the evil deed, though, substituting a ram instead at the last minute. But it was Abraham's willingness to do it that impressed God so much. Abraham passed the test because he was was willing to kill his son for God.
For his willingness to do the greatest evil any father could ever do, God blessed Abraham and made him the father of all believers.
Because thou hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thine only son ... I will bless thee ... And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice. Genesis 22:16
Muslims also honor Abraham for his willingness to slaughter his son, but they believe it was a different son. They believe it was Ishmael, not Isaac, that God told Abraham to kill.
Here's the story from the Quran:
When (his son) was old enough to walk with him, (Abraham) said: O my dear son, I have seen in a dream that I must sacrifice thee. So look, what thinkest thou ? He said: O my father! Do that which thou art commanded. Allah willing, thou shalt find me of the steadfast. Quran 37:102
(Notice, though, that the Quran doesn't actually name the son, so maybe a Muslim could believe that Isaac was the intended victim.)
The important thing, though, is this: Abraham was willing to kill his own son for God, and God rewarded him for it.
And then, of course, there's Jesus.
God supposedly tested himself, just like he did Abraham, only this time he went through with it. He killed his own son for some god-awful reason. I guess it was to keep himself from torturing others for stuff they didn't do or didn't believe. Or something like that.
Believers call it Good Friday.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/06/2012 11:07:00 AM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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03 April 2012Mitt Romney: The Book of Mormon is an attack on all religions
OK, that's not a direct quote.
Here's what Mitt actually said: (see video below)
We are now all Catholics. Those of us who are people of faith recognize this is — an attack on one religion is an attack on all religion.
But if what he said is true, then the Book of Mormon is an attack on all religions.
Take the Catholic church for example.
The Book of Mormon says that the Catholic church is is an abominable church founded by the devil to lead souls to hell. It is more abominable that all other churches (and they are all abominable, too). It is the mother of all abominations, the whore of Babylon, and the mother of harlots. It has taken away the plain and precious parts of the gospel and perverted the ways of the Lord. The wrath of God is poured out upon it, and someday God will force Catholics to get drunk on their own blood. Only those who join the Mormon church in its fight against Catholics will be saved.
Now you probably think that I'm exaggerating a bit. But I'm not. Here are just some of the verses from the Book of Mormon that refer to the Catholic church.
I beheld this great and abominable church; and I saw the devil that he was the founder of it. 1 Nephi 13:6
A great and abominable church, which is most abominable above all other churches; for behold, they have taken away from the gospel of the Lamb many parts which are plain and most precious; and also many covenants of the Lord have they taken away. And all this have they done that they might pervert the right ways of the Lord, that they might blind the eyes and harden the hearts of the children of men. 1 Nephi 13:26-27
After the book hath gone forth through the hands of the great and abominable church, that there are many plain and precious things taken away from the book. 1 Nephi 13:28
The plain and most precious parts of the gospel of the Lamb which have been kept back by that abominable church. 1 Nephi 13:32
That great and abominable church, which was founded by the devil and his children, that he might lead away the souls of men down to hell. 1 Nephi 14:3
That great and abominable church, which is the mother of abominations, whose founder is the devil. 1 Nephi 14:9
The wrath of God was poured out upon that great and abominable church. 1 Nephi 14:15
The wrath of God is poured out upon the mother of harlots, which is the great and abominable church of all the earth, whose founder is the devil. 1 Nephi 14:17
And the blood of that great and abominable church, which is the whore of all the earth, shall turn upon their own heads; for they shall war among themselves, and the sword of their own hands shall fall upon their own heads, and they shall be drunken with their own blood. 1 Nephi 22:13
That great whore, who hath perverted the right ways of the Lord, yea, that great and abominable church, shall tumble to the dust and great shall be the fall of it. 1 Nephi 22:14
They shall repent and fight not against Zion, and do not unite themselves to that great and abominable church, they shall be saved. 2 Nephi 6:12
So if we are all Catholics now, then the Book of Mormon is an attack on us all.
(And don't even get the Book of Mormon started on Jews, non-Mormon Protestants, or unbelievers.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/03/2012 08:11:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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02 April 2012Sam Harris on Free Will
If you haven't had time to read the book (it's only 60 pages or so), then you probably won't have time to watch this lecture either.
But you should do one or the other. Your choice.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/02/2012 08:31:00 AM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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31 May 20122 Nephi 27: The Book of Mormon prophesies itself
After taking a short break from quoting Isaiah, Nephi got tired of his own tiresome words, so he went back to quoting Isaiah again.
But this time, it's not just filler.
Isaiah 29 was selected because it refers to a special book, sealed by God, that the wise and learned cannot understand. Only one very special person will be able to read it.
As Nephi explains:
It shall come to pass that the Lord God shall bring forth unto you the words of a book ... And behold the book shall be sealed.
But the book shall be delivered unto a man ... which are the words of those who have slumbered in the dust.
The book shall be hid from the eyes of the world, that the eyes of none shall behold it save it be that three witnesses shall behold it ... and they shall testify to the truth of the book and the things therein.
And wo be unto him that rejecteth the word of God! 2 Nephi 27:6-14
The book, of course, is the Book of Mormon, "a marvelous work and a wonder," and the very special person is Joseph Smith.
It's all there in Isaiah 29, as quoted by Nephi (with a few extra "and it came to passes" and "beholds" thrown in to make it sound even more biblical than the Bible).
But behold, it shall come to pass that the Lord God shall say unto him to whom he shall deliver the book: Take these words which are not sealed and deliver them to another, that he may show them unto the learned, saying: Read this, I pray thee. And the learned shall say: Bring hither the book, and I will read them. 2 Nephi 27:15
And the man shall say: I cannot bring the book, for it is sealed. Then shall the learned say: I cannot read it. 2 Nephi 27:17-18
(And the vision of all is become unto you as the words of a book that is sealed, which men deliver to one that is learned, saying, Read this, I pray thee: and he saith, I cannot; for it is sealed: Isaiah 29:11)
Wherefore it shall come to pass, that the Lord God will deliver again the book and the words thereof to him that is not learned; and the man that is not learned shall say: I am not learned. 2 Nephi 27:19
(And the book is delivered to him that is not learned, saying, Read this, I pray thee: and he saith, I am not learned. Isaiah 29:12)
Therefore, I will proceed to do a marvelous work among this people, yea, a marvelous work and a wonder, for the wisdom of their wise and learned shall perish, and the understanding of their prudent shall be hid. 2 Nephi 27:26
(Therefore, behold, I will proceed to do a marvellous work among this people, even a marvellous work and a wonder: for the wisdom of their wise men shall perish, and the understanding of their prudent men shall be hid. Isaiah 29:14)
The book of Mormon prophesies itself -- 2400 years before it was dug up and translated by Joseph Smith.
When it comes to prophesy, you just can't beat the Book of Mormon!
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/31/2012 01:49:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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30 May 2012In my name they shall take up serpents
The last thing that Jesus supposedly said to his followers before beaming up to heaven after his resurrection was this:
And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover. Mark 16:17-18
Jesus said there are five signs of true believers, and one of them is handling snakes -- and walking on them.
Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you. Luke 10:19
There just aren't many true believers anymore.
And now there is one less.
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/30/2012 02:30:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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23 May 2012So it was Jesus that sent the serpents to bite people for complaining!
One of the craziest stories in the Bible is found in Numbers 21. It all happens in just two verses:
The people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread.
And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. Numbers 21:5-6
Christians don't pay much attention to it, though. That was, after all, the Old Testament, and they ignore pretty much everything in it, except for the verses that condemn homosexuality.
Sure, they say, God sent fiery serpents to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water, but Jesus had nothing to do with it.
Unless you believe Paul, that is.
Neither let us tempt Christ, as some of them also tempted, and were destroyed of serpents. 1 Corinthians 10:9
The people tempted Christ (by complaining) and he sent snakes to bite them.
So don't tempt Jesus, or he'll send some of his snakes to bite you too.
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/23/2012 03:52:00 PM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 May 20122 Nephi 26: All those who have dwindled in unbelief shall not be forgotten.
Nephi tells us, once again, all about Jesus, 600 or so years before Jesus existed.
After Jesus dies he will rise from the dead and come visit the Nephites in North America. The Nephites will learn about his birth, death, and resurrection; then all hell will break loose. Proud and wicked Nephites will stone to death the Nephite saints and prophets, then God will cause the proud and the wicked to be swallowed by the earth, covered with mountains, carried away by whirlwinds, crushed by falling buildings, destroyed by thunder, lightening, earthquakes, and fire.
After Christ shall have risen from the dead he shall show himself unto you, my children.
Many generations shall pass away, and there shall be great wars and contentions among my people.
And after the Messiah shall come there shall be signs given unto my people of his birth, and also of his death and resurrection; and great and terrible shall that day be unto the wicked, for they shall perish; and they perish because they cast out the prophets, and the saints, and stone them, and slay them.
All those who are proud, and that do wickedly, the day that cometh shall burn them up, saith the Lord of Hosts.
They that kill the prophets, and the saints, the depths of the earth shall swallow them up, saith the Lord of Hosts; and mountains shall cover them, and whirlwinds shall carry them away, and buildings shall fall upon them and crush them to pieces and grind them to powder.
And they shall be visited with thunderings, and lightnings, and earthquakes, and all manner of destructions, for the fire of the anger of the Lord shall be kindled against them, and they shall be as stubble, and the day that cometh shall consume them, saith the Lord of Hosts. 2 Nephi 26:1-6
After the wicked kill the righteous and God kills the wicked, Jesus will heal whatever survivors there may be and there will be peace for three or four generations. Then the Nephites will "yield to the devil," be destroyed again, and "go down to hell."
But the Son of righteousness shall appear unto them; and he shall heal them, and they shall have peace with him, until three generations shall have passed away, and many of the fourth generation shall have passed away in righteousness.
And when these things have passed away a speedy destruction cometh unto my people ... they shall reap destruction; for because they yield unto the devil ... therefore they must go down to hell. 2 Nephi 26:9-10
Sometime after the Nephites are destroyed, the Gentiles (Non-Mormon Protestants) will start believing that Jesus is the Christ.
It must needs be that the Gentiles be convinced also that Jesus is the Christ, the Eternal God. 2 Nephi 26:12
In the last days, after the Gentiles are converted, Nephi's seed will dwindle in unbelief and be smitten by the Gentiles. God will camp out against the dwindlers and "all those that dwindle in unbelief shall not be forgotten."
I prophesy unto you concerning the last days.
After my seed ... shall have dwindled in unbelief, and shall have been smitten by the Gentiles; yea, after the Lord God shall have camped against them round about ... all those who have dwindled in unbelief shall not be forgotten. 2 Nephi 26:14-15
Then, in the latter days of the last days, the truths in the Book of Mormon will be written, but those who dwindle in unbelief won't believe them because "they seek to destroy the things of God."
For thus saith the Lord God: They shall write the things which shall be done among them, and they shall be written and sealed up in a book, and those who have dwindled in unbelief shall not have them, for they seek to destroy the things of God. 2 Nephi 26:17
And it will come to pass that those who dwindle in unbelief will be smitten (again) by the Gentiles.
And it shall come to pass, that those who have dwindled in unbelief shall be smitten by the hand of the Gentiles. 2 Nephi 26:19
Then the Gentiles will stumble "because of the greatness of their stumbling block" by building evil churches according to the secret combinations of the devil (who founded all the non-LDS churches).
The Gentiles ... stumbled, because of the greatness of their stumbling block, that they have built up many churches ... which cause envyings, and strifes, and malice.
And there are also secret combinations ... according to the combinations of the devil, for he is the founder of all these things. 2 Nephi 26:20-22
Which leaves us with the only true church: the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You know, the one that teaches love and tolerance toward all. (Its code name is "Zion" in the Book of Mormon.)
The Lord God hath given a commandment that all men should have charity, which charity is love, and except they should have charity they were nothing.
But the laborer in Zion shall labor for Zion; for if they labor for money they shall perish.
For ... the Lord ... denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile. 2 Nephi 26:30-33
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/16/2012 01:33:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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13 May 2012Some Bible verses for Mother's Day
It's not easy to find a good Bible verse for Mother's Day.
But here are the best I can find.
From the book of Hosea.
Plead with your mother, plead: ... let her ... put away her whoredoms ... and her adulteries from between her breasts; Lest I strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst.
And I will not have mercy upon her children; for they be the children of whoredoms. ...For their mother hath played the harlot.
Now will I discover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers, and none shall deliver her out of mine hand. Hosea 2:2-10
Give them, O LORD: what wilt thou give? give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts. ... I will love them no more. ... Yea, though they bring forth, yet will I slay even the beloved fruit of their womb. Hosea 9:14-16
Their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up. Hosea 13:16
And Deuteronomy.
The tender and delicate woman among you ... her eye shall be evil ... toward her son, and toward her daughter, And toward her young one that cometh out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear: for she shall eat them. Deuteronomy 28:56-57
Or how about the inspiring words of Jesus?
I am come to set ... the daughter against her mother. ... He that loveth ... mother more than me is not worthy of me. Matthew 10:35-37
Blessed is the womb that bare thee, and the paps which thou hast sucked. But he said, Yea rather, blessed are they that hear the word of God, and keep it. Luke 11:27-28
If any man come to me, and hate not his ... mother ... he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26
Behold, thy mother ... seek(s) for thee. And he answered them, saying, Who is my mother? Mark 3:32-33
Woman, what have I to do with thee? (Jesus talking to his mother) John 2:4
Any of these would look nice on a Mother's Day card, don't you think?
Happy Mother's Day!
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/13/2012 06:23:00 PM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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11 May 2012What the Bible says about Homosexuality
Homosexuality is an abomination to God (like shrimp).
Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. Leviticus 18:22
Except that unlike eating shrimp, the punishment for homosexuality is death.
If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13
Or exile.
Asa did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD ... And he took away the sodomites out of the land. ... Asa's heart was perfect with the LORD all his days. 1 Kings 15:11-14
Jehoshaphat ... walked in all the ways of Asa his father ... doing that which was right in the eyes of the LORD ... The remnant of the sodomites, which remained in the days of his father Asa, he took out of the land. 1 Kings 22:42-46
And the New Testament is just as intolerant toward homosexuals.
For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature. And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet. (God will make you gay!) Romans 1:26-27
God gave them over to a reprobate mind ... without natural affection ... they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them. Romans 1:28-32
The unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom ... neither fornicators ... nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind ... shall inherit the kingdom of God. 1 Corinthians 6:9-10
Knowing this, that the law is not made for a righteous man, but for ... them that defile themselves with mankind ... and if there be any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine ... These filthy dreamers defile the flesh. 1 Timothy 1:9-10
Even as Sodom and Gomorrha ... giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh ... suffering the vengeance of eternal fire. Jude 7-8
Except for Jesus (who hung out with 12 guys and never said anything bad about homosexuality) who said that you can increase your chances of being raptured by being gay. (So pray to be gay!)
I tell you, in that night there shall be two men in one bed; the one shall be taken, and the other shall be left. Two women shall be grinding together; the one shall be taken, and the other left. Luke 17:34-35
And finally, rejoice and be glad when you see homosexuals (lead about by silly, lusty, educated women), because then you'll know for sure that Jesus is coming soon.
In the last days ... men shall be ... without natural affection ... lovers of pleasures ... lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts, ... ever learning. 2 Timothy 3:1-7
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/11/2012 10:54:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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09 May 20122 Nephi 25: Nephi speaks (somewhat) plainly about Jews, Jesus, and Joseph Smith
Nephi finally gives us a break from quoting Isaiah (2 Nephi 11-24) and begins to speak (somewhat) about the the 13 chapters he copied from the King James Version of the Bible (about 2200 years before that translation existed).
Now I, Nephi, do speak somewhat concerning the words which I have written, which have been spoken by the mouth of Isaiah. 2 Nephi 25:1
First he tells us about Jews.
The Jews ... works were works of darkness, and their doings were doings of abominations. 2 Nephi 25:2
Then he explains why no one understands Isaiah. To understand Isaiah properly, you need to delight in plainness and be filled with the spirit of prophecy. And Nephi is full of prophecy and plainness.
The words of Isaiah are not plain unto you, nevertheless they are plain unto all those that are filled with the spirit of prophecy ... My soul delighteth in plainness unto my people. 2 Nephi 25:4
But Nephi's soul delights in more than just plainness; it also delights in the words of Isaiah. (That's probably why he included 13 consecutive chapters from Isaiah. See 2 Nephi 11-24)
My soul delighteth in the words of Isaiah. 2 Nephi 25:5a
The only people that understand the prophets are people that are taught after the manner of the Jews (like early 19th century Americans.)
The Jews do understand the things of the prophets, and there is none other people that understand the things which were spoken unto the Jews like unto them, save it be that they are taught after the manner of the things of the Jews. 2 Nephi 25:5b
And lucky for us, Nephi is from Jerusalem and knows all about all things such as and suchlike.
But behold, I, Nephi ... have dwelt at Jerusalem, wherefore I know concerning the regions round about. 2 Nephi 25:6
With his prophecy credentials intact, Nephi proceeds with his own prophecy according to his plainness.
Behold, I proceed with mine own prophecy, according to my plainness. 2 Nephi 25:7
He starts by telling us a bit more about Jews. God has destroyed them from one generation to the next because of their iniquities.
As one generation hath been destroyed among the Jews because of iniquity, even so have they been destroyed from generation to generation according to their iniquities. 2 Nephi 25:9
Nephi prophesies that in another 600 years or so, the evil Jews will reject and crucify Jesus because of their hard hearts and stiff necks.
The Father of heaven and of earth, shall manifest himself unto them in the flesh, behold, they will reject him, because of their iniquities, and the hardness of their hearts, and the stiffness of their necks ... They will crucify him. 2 Nephi 25:12-13
And woe unto whoever fights against God's church (the Mormons), which will show up in another 2400 years or so.
Wo unto them that fight against God and the people of his church. 2 Nephi 25:14
And, of course, woe unto the the Jews. They'll be scattered among all nations and be scourged by God for many generations until, finally, they are persuaded to believe in Christ.
Wherefore, the Jews shall be scattered among all nations. ... After they have been scattered, and the Lord God hath scourged them by other nations for ... many generations ... they shall be persuaded to believe in Christ. 2 Nephi 25:15-16
Meanwhile, God will inspire Joseph Smith to write find and translate the Book of Mormon, which is, as I'm sure you've noticed by now, a marvelous work and a wonder. ("A Marvelous work and a wonder" is LDS-speak for the Book of Mormon.)
The Lord ... will proceed to do a marvelous work and a wonder. 2 Nephi 25:17
That the promise may be fulfilled unto Joseph [Smith], that his seed should never perish as long as the earth should stand." 2 Nephi 25:21
And now Nephi gets precise about his Christ prophecy: Jesus Christ, the Son of God, will be born 600 years after Nephi's dad (Lehi) left Jerusalem.
According to the words of the prophets, the Messiah cometh in six hundred years from the time that my father left Jerusalem ... his name shall be Jesus Christ, the Son of God. 2 Nephi 25:19
Nephi reminds us about some of the plain and wonderful things that are found in the Hebrew scriptures: the fiery serpents (Num. 21:6-9) and the water-bearing rock (Ex.17:6, Num.20:11)..
I have spoken plainly that ... the Lord God ... gave unto Moses power that he should heal the nations after they had been bitten by the poisonous serpents, if they would cast their eyes unto the serpent which he did raise up before them, and also gave him power that he should smite the rock and the water should come forth. 2 Nephi 25:20
And the rest of his prophecy is all about Jesus H. Christ. There's no other name that can get you saved.
There is none other name given under heaven save it be this Jesus Christ, of which I have spoken, whereby man can be saved. 2 Nephi 25:20
So believe in Christ.
We labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ. 2 Nephi 25:23
We believe in Christ. 2 Nephi 25:24a
Look forward to Christ.
Look forward with steadfastness unto Christ. 2 Nephi 25:24b
Be alive in Christ.
We are made alive in Christ because of our faith. 2 Nephi 25:25a
Talk of Christ.
We talk of Christ. 2 Nephi 25:26b
Rejoice in Christ.
We rejoice in Christ. 2 Nephi 25:26c
Preach of Christ.
We preach of Christ. 2 Nephi 25:26d
Prophesy of Christ.
We prophesy of Christ. 2 Nephi 25:26e
The Nephites did all these Christian things six centuries before Christianity existed.
So don't let anyone tell you Mormons aren't Christians.
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/09/2012 03:39:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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06 May 2012Bill Maher on Mormonism: I'm very sorry if I called your horseshit bullshit.
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/06/2012 10:28:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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03 May 2012Jon Stewart's only fear: Religion
Jon Stewart isn't afraid to criticize people for their nasty beliefs -- unless the source of those beliefs is religion. Then, whatever it is, it's OK with him.
Here's how he put it on last night's show:
You can't cherry pick the worst aspects of a religion and then hold every member of that religion solely responsible for it.
Yes, you can. That is exactly what we should do.
We should hold Mormons responsible for the racism that is found throughout the Book of Mormon; Jews, for the cruel and intolerant passages in the Hebrew Scriptures; Christians, for the nasty bullshit in both of their testaments; and Muslims, for the entire hodgepodge of hateful horseshit that is the Quran.
The individual members of a religion are not solely responsible for the worst aspects of their religion. But they are responsible for believing it.
And we should hold them responsible for every rotten cherry on their religion's tree. If they don't like the cherries, they should pick another tree.
Here's the Daily Show video.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/03/2012 06:54:00 PM 12 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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01 May 2012Dan Savage is right about the Bible: It's Bullshit
A couple weeks ago, Dan Savage discussed the Bible with a group of journalism students.
Here is what he said (see video below) -- along with some of the bullshit from the Bible that believers ignore while pretending to believe it.
The Bible, we’ll just talk about the Bible for a second. People often point out that they can’t help it – they can’t help with the anti-gay bullying, because it says right there in Leviticus, it says right there in Timothy, it says right there in Romans, that being gay is wrong.
Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. Leviticus 18:22
If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13
The law is not made for a righteous man, but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and for sinners, for unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, For whoremongers, for them that defile themselves with mankind.... 1 Timothy 1:9-10
In the last days ... men will be ... without natural affection. 2 Timothy 3:1-3
For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another ... God gave them over to a reprobate mind ... they which commit such things are worthy of death. Romans 1:26-32
We can learn to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about gay people. [applause] The same way, the same way we have learned to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about shellfish,
And all that have not fins and scales in the seas ... shall be an abomination unto you: ... Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:10-11
about slavery,
Of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy, and of their families that are with you ... they shall be your possession. And ye shall take them as an inheritance for your children after you, to inherit them for a possession; they shall be your bondmen for ever. Leviticus 25:44-46
If a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and ... he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money. Exodus 21:20-21
Servants [slaves], be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward. 1 Peter 2:18
(See here for more bullshit from the Bible on slavery.)
about dinner,
These shall ye not eat ... swine ... it is unclean unto you. Deuteronomy 14:7-8
It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak. Romans 14:21
And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man. Ezekiel 4:12
about farming,
Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together. Deuteronomy 22:10
about menstruation,
If a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even. And if any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean. And if a woman have an issue of her blood many days out of the time of her separation, or if it run beyond the time of her separation; all the days of the issue of her uncleanness shall be as the days of her separation: she shall be unclean. Every bed whereon she lieth all the days of her issue shall be unto her as the bed of her separation: and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean, as the uncleanness of her separation. And whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean, and shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean. And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness. Leviticus 15:19-30
If a man be just, and do that which is lawful and right, and hath not ... come near to a menstruous woman..... Ezekiel 18:5-6
about virginity,
If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife. Deuteronomy 22:28-29
Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. Matthew 25:1
about masturbation.
And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also. Genesis 38:9-10
If any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall ... be unclean. Leviticus 15:16
Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Matthew 5:28-30
[applause]
We ignore bullshit in the Bible about all sorts of things. The Bible is a radically pro-slavery document. Slave owners waved Bibles over their heads during the Civil War and justified it. The shortest book in the New Testament is a letter from Paul to a Christian slave owner about owning his Christian slave.
Philemon: This short letter was written by Paul to his slave-owner friend and fellow believer, Philemon. Paul was writing about Onesimus, who he had recently converted, and who happened to also be a runaway slave belonging to Philemon. Since Paul was in a position of authority among believers, this would have been a great opportunity for him (and God) to condemn slavery -- if he (and God) had anything against it, that is. But apparently he didn't. Instead he returned the slave to his owner without so much as a word against the institution of slavery.
(Note: Philemon isn't quite "the shortest book in the New Testament" -- 2 and 3 John are a bit shorter.)
And Paul doesn’t say “Christians don’t own people.” Paul talks about how Christians own people.
We ignore what the Bible says about slavery, because the Bible got slavery wrong. Tim — ah, Sam Harris, in A Letter To A Christian Nation, points out that the Bible got the easiest moral question that humanity has ever faced wrong. Slavery! What’re the odds that the Bible got something as complicated as human sexuality wrong? 100% percent.
The Bible says that if your daughter’s not a virgin on her wedding night – if a woman isn’t a virgin on her wedding night, she shall be dragged to her father’s doorstep and stoned to death.
If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her ... And say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And ... say ... these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. ... But if ... the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel, then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:13-17
Callista Gingrich lives. [applause] And there is no effort to amend state constitutions to make it legal to stone women to death on their wedding night if they’re not virgins. At least not yet. We don’t know where the GOP is going these days. [audience laughs]
People are dying because people can’t clear this one last hurdle. They can’t get past this one last thing in the Bible about homosexuality.
One other thing I wanna talk about is — [chuckles] — so, you can tell the Bible guys in the hall that they can come back now, because I’m done beating up the Bible. [applause]
It’s funny, as someone who’s on the receiving end of beatings that are justified by the Bible, how pansy-assed some people react when you push back. [applause]
And here's a great video on the subject by Zinnia Jones.
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/01/2012 11:11:00 AM 11 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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27 June 20122 Nephi 28-29: A Bible! We have got a Bible, and we need no more Bible!
In the last chapter, Nephi revealed the Book of Mormon, 2400 years before Joseph Smith dug it up in his own backyard. Amazing stuff.
Now he tells us how it will be received by Christians everywhere.
But first he reminds us about how God views non-Mormon Christians.
Yea, and there shall be many which shall teach ... false and vain and foolish doctrines ... their works shall be in the dark. And the blood of the saints shall cry from the ground against them. ... Because of pride, and because of false teachers, and false doctrine, their churches have become corrupted ... They wear stiff necks and high heads; yea, and because of pride, and wickedness, and abominations, and whoredoms .... wo, wo, wo be unto them, saith the Lord God Almighty, for they shall be thrust down to hell! 2 Nephi 28:9-15
And that's the (more or less) good guys - the non-Mormon Protestants.
It's the Catholics that God really hates.
But behold, that great and abominable church, the whore of all the earth, must tumble to the earth, and great must be the fall thereof. ... the devil will grasp them with his everlasting chains, and they be stirred up to anger, and perish ... Yea, they are grasped with death, and hell; and death, and hell ... from whence they must go into the place prepared for them, even a lake of fire and brimstone, which is endless torment. 28:18-23
Which leaves the Mormons, Nephi's seed.
God will proceed to do a marvelous work and remember Nephi's seed, and the words of Nephi's seed will proceed out of God's mouth. They will hiss forth unto the ends of the earth, so to speak.
I shall proceed to do a marvelous work ... I would remember your seed; and that the words of your seed should proceed forth out of my mouth unto your seed; and my words shall hiss forth unto the ends of the earth. 29.1-2
And when God's words hiss forth in the Book of Mormon, many of the WASPs will say, "A Bible! We have a Bible; we don't need another Bible!"
And because my words shall hiss forth -- many of the Gentiles shall say: A Bible! A Bible! We have got a Bible, and there cannot be any more Bible. ... A Bible! We have got a Bible, and we need no more Bible. 29:3-6
But God says it's his goddamned Bible and he can have as many of them as he pleases.
I speak forth my words according to mine own pleasure. And because that I have spoken one word ye need not suppose that I cannot speak another ... Wherefore, because that ye have a Bible ye need not suppose that it contains all my words; neither need ye suppose that I have not caused more to be written. 29:9-10
God made the Jews write a Bible; he made the Nephites write a Bible; he'll make the Lost Tribes of Israel write a Bible; everyone on earth will write a Bible. God likes Bibles. The more the merrier, he always says.
Behold, I shall speak unto the Jews and they shall write it; and I shall also speak unto the Nephites and they shall write it; and I shall also speak unto the other tribes of the house of Israel, which I have led away, and they shall write it; and I shall also speak unto all nations of the earth and they shall write it. 29:12
Before you know it the Jews will have the Nephite's Bible, the Nephites will have the Jews' Bible, the Nephites and the Jews will have the lost tribes' Bible, and the lost tribes will have the Bibles of the Nephites and the Jews.
The Jews shall have the words of the Nephites, and the Nephites shall have the words of the Jews; and the Nephites and the Jews shall have the words of the lost tribes of Israel; and the lost tribes of Israel shall have the words of the Nephites and the Jews. 29:13
And God will show those that fight against the Book of Mormon that he is God and that he covenanted with Abraham and he'll remember his seed forever.
And I will show unto them that fight against my word and against my people, who are of the house of Israel, that I am God, and that I covenanted with Abraham that I would remember his seed forever. 29:14
Or something like that.
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Next Episode: 2 Nephi 30: They shall be a white and delightsome people.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/27/2012 07:58:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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21 June 2012The Numbers 15:32-36 Challenge to Bible Believers
Here's what the Bible says in Numbers 15:32-36:
While the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man that gathered sticks upon the Sabbath day. And they … brought him unto Moses and Aaron ... because it was not declared what should be done to him. And the LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones ... And all the congregation ... stoned him with stones, and he died; as the LORD commanded Moses.
And here is the NonStampCollector challenge:
Christian believers, you have a choice: either defend the story of this man's being killed by having an angry mob of barbarians pelt him with rocks as being the holy justice mandated by a fair and just god of perfect love,...
or join the rest of the world in rejecting any deity's involvement in the story as a piece of insane fiction dreamt up by savage people hoping to convince somebody that their barbaric cruelty was mandated by a holy and unquestionable moral authority. It wasn't: it was fucking sick, AND YOU KNOW IT.
The bible is bullshit. Look elsewhere for perfect love.
Is there a Bible Believer who is willing to take the Numbers 15:32-36 challenge?
If so, I'd like to hear about it. You can even do a guest post here if you like.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/21/2012 09:15:00 AM 53 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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14 June 2012Hamor: the best father in the Bible (Greater love hath no father than this, that he cut off his own foreskin for his son.)
In a previous post, I listed 15 of the best fathers in the Bible. I wasn't entirely serious, of course, as each of the fathers on the list behaved about as badly as any father could possibly behave. None of them could serve as a good role model for fathers on Father's Day. And yet there is nothing in the Bible itself that shows the slightest disapproval of any of their bad behavior. They are, in fact, about as good as fathers get in the Bible.
But, surely, there must be some good fathers in the Bible. Maybe, but there's only one that I can honestly recommend for fathers on Father's Day.
His story is found in Genesis 34 and his name is Hamor.
The story begins when Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, goes out to meet her Hivite neighbors.
Dinah the daughter of Leah, which she bare unto Jacob, went out to see the daughters of the land. Genesis 34:1
While she was visiting, a young Hivite man named Shechem saw her and immediately fell in love with her. (Well, maybe not immediately, but after he had sex with her, anyway. The Bible doesn't say whether it was consensual or not.)
And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, saw her, he took her, and lay with her, and defiled her. And his soul clave unto Dinah ... and he loved the damsel, and spake kindly unto the damsel. 34:2-3
Shechem told his father that he'd like to marry Dinah.
Shechem spake unto his father Hamor, saying, Get me this damsel to wife. 34.4
So Hamor went to talk to Jacob about it.
And Hamor the father of Shechem went out unto Jacob to commune with him ... saying, The soul of my son Shechem longeth for your daughter: I pray you give her him to wife. 34.6-8
Hamor suggested that the Hivites and the Israelites live together in peace, trading and intermarrying with one other.
And make ye marriages with us, and give your daughters unto us, and take our daughters unto you. And ye shall dwell with us: and the land shall be before you; dwell and trade ye therein, and get you possessions therein. 34:9-10
Jacob didn't seem to care much about it, one way or another. But his sons did. It was all about the Hivite's penises.
The sons of Jacob answered Shechem and Hamor his father deceitfully, and said, ... We cannot do this thing, to give our sister to one that is uncircumcised. 34:13-14
The problem was that little flap of skin at the tip of the Hivite's penises. If they'd just cut that off, then they could all happily live together in peace.
But in this will we consent unto you: If ye will be as we be, that every male of you be circumcised; Then will we give our daughters unto you, and we will take your daughters to us, and we will dwell with you, and we will become one people. 34:15-16
Hamor agrees to this. He, along with his son and all the male Hivites, will cut off that little flap of skin at the end of their penises as a sacrifice for peace. (Greater love hath no father than this, that he cut off his own foreskin for his son.)
And Hamor and Shechem his son ... communed with the men of their city, saying, These men are peaceable with us; therefore let them dwell in the land, and trade therein; for the land, behold, it is large enough for them; let us take their daughters to us for wives, and let us give them our daughters. Only herein will the men consent unto us for to dwell with us, to be one people, if every male among us be circumcised, as they are circumcised. ... Let us consent unto them, and they will dwell with us. 34:20-21
So Hamor, Shechem and every male Hivite cut off that little flap of skin that offends God so much.
And every male was circumcised. 34:24
And Dinah and Shechem were married and everyone lived happily ever after.
Just kidding.
Here's what actually happened.
And it came to pass on the third day, when they were sore, that two of the sons of Jacob ... took each man his sword, and came upon the city boldly, and slew all the males. And they slew Hamor and Shechem his son with the edge of the sword, and took Dinah out of Shechem's house, and went out. The sons of Jacob came upon the slain, and spoiled the city, because they had defiled their sister. ... And all their wealth, and all their little ones, and their wives took they captive, and spoiled even all that was in the house. 34:25-29
But at least Hamor died for something worthwhile -- the happiness of his son and peace in the world. And thereby set a great example for Father's Day.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/14/2012 07:56:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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13 June 2012The Best Fathers in the Bible: Examples for Father's Day
Since it's getting close to Father's Day, I'm bumping this post up again. I've also added another father to the list -- Hosea.
I should also mention that believers, on the whole, seem to agree with my selections. For example, here is a post on the Ten Best Fathers in the Bible, five of which are also on my list.
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Noah, the just preacher of righteousness
For some reason, God really liked Noah. He hated everyone else, though. Hated them so much, in fact, that he drowned every last one of them, except for Noah (and his family), that is.
What was it that God liked about Noah? Well, the bible doesn't say. It only says that he was a "just and perfect preacher of righteousness." (Genesis 6:9, 7:1; 2 Peter 2:5)
It isn't until after the flood, though, that we find out about his true character. Noah plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan.
And Noah ... planted a vineyard: And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without. And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness. And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. Genesis 9:20-25
So drink up on Father's Day all you dads out there. Pass out and lie around naked in front of God and everybody. If any of your kids happen to see you, curse them in the name of the Lord -- or better yet, curse your unborn grandkids and all of their descendants with slavery. Just follow the example of that just and perfect, godly preacher of righteousness, Noah!
Lot, the just and righteous
Lot was a family man and one of God's special heroes. Out of all of the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah, God saved only Lot and his family, because Lot was, according to the bible, a just and righteous man (2 Peter 2:7-8). He was also, no doubt, an excellent father. Here is what the Bible says about him.
He offered his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers, saying:
"Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes." -- Genesis 19:8
Later he got drunk and impregnated them.
Lot ... dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him.... And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us ... Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. -- Genesis 19:30-36
So if you are attacked by a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers on Father's Day, follow the just and righteous Lot's example. Offer your virgin daughters to the mob to do whatever they want to do with them and then (if your daughters survive that) get drunk and impregnate them.
Abraham
Abraham abandoned his first son, Ishmael, sending him and his mother into the desert to die.
Wherefore she (Sarah) said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman (Hagar) and her son (Ishmael) ... And God said unto Abraham ... hearken unto her voice. ... And Abraham ... took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness. -- Genesis 21:10-14
He then agreed to sacrifice his second son (his "only" son) to God as a burnt offering.
And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and ... offer him there for a burnt offering.... And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son. -- Genesis 22:2, 10
So if your wife can't stand one of your kids and tells you to throw him or her out of the house, follow Father Abraham's example and do what she says. Then later, if God asks you to kill one of your other children, do that too. Don't worry about it. God will probably send an angel to protect the abandoned child and provide a goat for you to kill instead of your kid at the last minute. Just be willing to abandon and kill your children for God if he asks you to. That's the important thing.
Isaac
Isaac had two sons, Esau and Jacob. Isaac loved Esau (because he liked to eat his venison), Rebekah loved Jacob (God knows why), and God hated Esau.
Isaac loved Esau, because he did eat of his venison: but Rebekah loved Jacob. -- Genesis 25:28
Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated. -- Romans 9:13
The Bible doesn't say anything more about Isaac's relationship with his two sons until he is about to die, when Rebekah, Jacob, and God all work together to steal Isaac's blessing of Esau and make it apply to Jacob instead. It's a bit too long to tell here, so I suggest you read the Brick Testament story instead. There is an important message for fathers here. Every father should understand that God will love some of his children and hate others. Don't worry about it. Just try to find out which of you children God hates and then go and do likewise.
Jacob
Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children, and he made it pretty obvious. So the other kids in the family hated Joseph. (God didn't seem to mind; he liked Joseph best, too.)
Now Israel [Jacob] loved Joseph more than all his children ... And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren, they hated him. -- Genesis 37:3-4
So don't fall for the modern secular lie that a father should love all of children as much and as equally as possible. Follow the example of Jacob and love one of your children more than all of the others.
Aaron
Aaron watched quietly as his sons were burned to death by God.
And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron ... offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not. And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD. .... And Aaron held his peace. -- Leviticus 10:1-3
So if God decides to burn your children to death for burning incense or whatever, just watch quietly. And for God's sake, don't complain about it.
Caleb
Caleb was one of the twelve scouts that Moses sent out during the Exodus to check out the land of Canaan. Since Caleb told Moses what he wanted to hear (that it would be easy to conquer the Canaanites), he was rewarded, while the ten honest scouts (who filed more discouraging reports) were killed by God in a plague (God's 18th killing).
Forty years later, when the Israelites were busy killing Canaanites, Caleb offered a reward to whomever could smite (kill all the inhabitants of) the city of Kirjathsepher. The reward was his daughter, Achsah.
Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. Joshua 15:16
The guy who won the reward happened to be one of Caleb's relatives.
And Othniel the son of Kenaz, the brother of Caleb, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife. Joshua 15:17
It's hard to tell from that verse whether Othniel was Caleb's brother or nephew, but whichever it was God approved of the whole thing. Because Caleb was "God's servant."
And the LORD said ... my servant Caleb, because he had another spirit with him, and hath followed me fully, him will I bring into the land whereinto he went; and his seed shall possess it. Numbers 15:20-23
So to all you dads out there, God says it's OK to give your daughter to someone who commits genocide for you, even if the someone is a close relative, like a uncle or even a brother. What the heck.
Gideon
Gideon is a great example for all Christian men. He had many wives and seventy sons.
And Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives. -- Judges 8:30
He taught taught his sons what it means to be a real man.
And he said unto Jether his firstborn, Up, and slay them. But the youth drew not his sword: for he feared, because he was yet a youth. ... And Gideon arose, and slew [them]. -- Judges 8:20-21
This one is pretty obvious. Try to have as many wives and sons as possible. And teach your sons what it means to be real men. (Real men are not afraid to kill people.)
Jephthah
When the spirit of the Lord came upon Jephthah, he promised to offer to God as a burnt offering whatever came to greet him when he returned from battle. When his daughter greeted him after a successful God-assisted slaughter, he honored his promise to God by killing and burning his daughter for God.
Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah.... And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands. And he smote them ... with a very great slaughter. ... And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances.... And ... when he saw her... said, Alas, my daughter! ... I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back. And she said unto him ... Let this thing be done for me: let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows. ... And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed. -- Judges 11:29-39
So when the spirit of the Lord comes upon you and you promise God to kill whomever you happen to see first when you get home from your latest God-assisted genocide, remember Jephthah and fulfill your promise to God, even if it means you have to kill and burn your daughter as a sacrifice to God.
Saul
Saul offered to sell his daughter for 100 Philistine foreskins.
And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines. -- 1 Samuel 18:25
David bought her for twice the asking price (200 foreskins).
Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. -- 1 Samuel 18:27
And since "David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD ... save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite," we know that God approved of the transaction. So don't settle for just a few foreskins when selling your daughters.
David
You can tell a lot about a father by his last words to his children. Take David for example.
David asked his son Solomon to murder Joab for him.
Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying … thou knowest also what Joab the son of Zeruiah did to me … let not his hoar head go down to the grave in peace. 1 Kings 2.1-6
So Solomon sent Benaiah to murder Joab.
It was told king Solomon that Joab was fled unto the tabernacle of the LORD; and, behold, he is by the altar. Then Solomon sent Benaiah … saying, Go, fall upon him … So Benaiah … fell upon him, and slew him. 1 Kings 2:29-34
And another person that David asked his son to murder was Shimei.
Thou hast with thee Shimei … which cursed me with a grievous curse in the day when I went to Mahanaim: but he came down to meet me at Jordan, and I sware to him by the LORD, saying, I will not put thee to death with the sword. Now therefore hold him not guiltless: for thou art a wise man, and knowest what thou oughtest to do unto him; but his hoar head bring thou down to the grave with blood. 1 Kings 2:8-9
So Solomon sent Benaiah to “fall on” Shimei, too.
So the king commanded Benaiah ... which went out, and fell upon him, that he died. 1 Kings 2:44-46
The lesson here is this: have a list of people you'd like your children to kill for you after your die.
Job
Job was a perfect man (and perfect father) with ten children, seven sons and three daughters.
There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect ... There were born unto him seven sons and three daughters. Job 1:1-2
As part of a bet, God and Satan killed Job's children. After the killing, Job "blessed God" and didn't "foolishly" blame God for his murderous Satanic bet. (See here for details. Or read all 8 of the Brick Testament stories about Job.)
In the end, God rewarded Job for not complaining by replacing the dead children with a completely a new set of ten kids. And the new daughters were even prettier than before!
So the LORD blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning ... He had also seven sons and three daughters ... And in all the land were no women found so fair as the daughters of Job. Job 42:12-13
So remember dads, if you don't like your children all that much, or have some ugly daughters or whatnot, just ask God and Satan to kill them for you. That way you're sure to get a better set of kids.
Hosea
Hosea's family life was prearranged by God, and was, therefore, perfect by definition.
God told him to take ... a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer.
The LORD said to Hosea, Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms: for the land hath committed great whoredom, departing from the LORD. So he went and took Gomer. Hosea 1:2-3
Gomer had a daughter, which God told Hosea to name "unloved."
Gomer ... conceived ... and bare a daughter. And God said unto him, Call her name Loruhamah. Hosea 1:3-6
Hosea tells his unloved daughter that her mother is a whore who is not his wife. He asks her to tell her mother to "put away her whoredoms" and "her adulteries from between her breasts" or he (Hosea or God?) will "strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst."
Plead with your mother, plead: for she is not my wife, neither am I her husband: let her therefore put away her whoredoms out of her sight, and her adulteries from between her breasts. Lest I strip her naked, and set her as in the day that she was born ... and slay her with thirst. Hosea 2:
God (or Hosea, it's hard to tell them apart) says he will not have mercy on Hosea's children, because their mother is a whore.
I will not have mercy upon her children; for they be the children of whoredoms.
For their mother hath played the harlot. Hosea 2:4-5
So there you have it: the perfect example for godly fathers.
Marry a whore, give your children nasty names like "unloved," tell them their mother is a whore, and have no mercy on them since they are "the children of whoredoms."
Simon Peter
We don't know from the gospels whether or not Peter was a father, but he was definitely a married man, since Jesus rebuked Peter's mother-in-law's fever.
He [Jesus] arose out of the synagogue, and entered into Simon's house. And Simon's wife's mother was taken with a great fever; and they besought him for her. And he stood over her, and rebuked the fever; and it left her: and immediately she arose and ministered unto them. Luke 4:38-39
Since Peter was married, it's reasonable to suppose that he had children, not that it matters much since Jesus encouraged his disciples to abandon their wives and children. (The first pope abandoned his family for Jesus in Luke 5:11.)
Jesus said ... Every one that hath forsaken ... wife, or children ... for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. Matthew 19:28-29 Mark 10:29-30, Luke 18:29-30
So to hell with fatherhood. Forsake wife and children for Jesus. (He'll give you a big reward for it!)
God the Father
Somehow I forgot about him. But you can read all about his fathering skills here: here.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/13/2012 09:36:00 PM 51 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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07 June 2012Sending body parts in the mail: The Biblical way to send a message
OK, this is going to be another grisly post. Sorry about that.
But, hey, I am, after all, blogging about the Bible. If you don't like disgusting stories, you're not going to like the Bible. Or my posts.
So here goes.
You've probably heard by now about the Canadian body part messages. If not, here's a summary:
Last week the leaders of the Canadian Liberal and Conservative parties received some body parts in the mail.
Now that's pretty disgusting, isn't it?
Well, not to the Biblical God it isn't. It's one of his favorite ways of sending a message. And if you believe in the Bible, you should consider sending messages yourself that way.
Take Saul, for example.
The spirit of the Lord came upon Saul and he chopped up a couple of oxen and send the pieces to all the leaders of Israel.
And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel. 1 Samuel 11:6-7
Which makes you wonder. Did the spirit of the Lord come upon Luka Rocco Magnotta when he chopped up Jun Lin and sent his body parts to the Canadian leaders?
And then there's the story about the Levite and his concubine.
You know the one where the Levite and his concubine are staying at a guy's house when a mob comes and asks to have sex with the Levite, and the host says no you can't have sex with him but I'll give you my virgin daughter and his concubine instead, so the Levite gives them his concubine and they rape her all night and she crawls back to the house and dies the next morning, and then the Levite puts her body on his donkey and goes home and chops her body into 12 pieces and sends a piece to each tribe of Israel?
Yeah that one. (You can read all about it in Judges 19.)
Well, God didn't seem to have much to do with that, at least not directly. But he approved that message. Because in the next chapter God personally arranged a holy civil war between the Benjamites (the tribe that happened to include the town of Gibeah where the incident with the concubine occurred) and the other tribes of Israel, each of which received a concubine body part message in the mail.
So maybe Magnotta sent the body parts to the Canadian political leaders to call for a holy war between the province of Quebec (from where the body was sent, and probably hacked up) and all the other Canadian provinces. Maybe that's what God had in mind.
If so, then, the Canadian leaders should read the end of Judges and go and do likewise, by killing every man, woman, and child in Quebec, as the Israelites, under God's direction, did to the Benjamites.
Or something like that.
It's hard to know what God, the Great Communicator, had in mind when he inspired Judges 19-21.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/07/2012 09:18:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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06 June 2012Eugene's Bible: Did the Bible inspire the naked face-chewing cannibal?
Rudy Eugene is a firm believer in the Bible.
He attended a Bible study just two days before the face-chewing episode, he was called "the preacher" by his friends, and his mother said that he never left home without his Bible. And he had it with him at the time of the attack. It was, in fact, the only thing he had, as he was otherwise completely naked.
So it seems reasonable to ask: was there something in the Bible that inspired the attack?
Of course it's hard to say, but there is plenty in the Bible that might encourage similar behavior.
Take his nakedness, for example. God seems to like his prophets to run around naked. Here are God's instructions to Isaiah.
At the same time spake the LORD ... saying, Go and loose the sackcloth from off thy loins, and put off thy shoe from thy foot. And he did so, walking naked and barefoot. And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder. Isaiah 20:2-3
God told Isaiah to walk around naked for three years as a sign and and wonder. Maybe Eugene was just trying to do likewise.
And here is what Saul did when the spirit of the Lord came upon him:
Saul ... went thither to Naioth in Ramah: and the Spirit of God was upon him also, and he went on, and prophesied ... And he stripped off his clothes also, and prophesied before Samuel in like manner, and lay down naked all that day and all that night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets? 1 Samuel 19:21-24
The spirit of the Lord came upon Saul and he "lay down naked" all day and night. Maybe the spirit of the Lord came upon Eugene, too.
And then there's this from Micah:
Therefore I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons, and mourning as the owls ... roll thyself in the dust ... having thy shame naked. Micah 1:8-11
I don't know if Rudy Eugene wailed like a dragon, but I'm pretty sure he had his shame naked.
But what about the face-eating behavior? There's nothing in the Good Book that could inspire activity like that, is there?
Well, how about these passages?
And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9
Therefore the fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5:10
I will not feed you: that that dieth, let it die; and that that is to be cut off, let it be cut off; and let the rest eat every one the flesh of another. Zechariah 11:9
Who pluck off their skin from off them, and their flesh from off their bones; Who also eat the flesh of my people, and flay their skin from off them; and they break their bones, and chop them in pieces, as for the pot, and as flesh within the caldron. Micah 3:2-3
There's plenty there for a naked, face-eating, bible-believing cannibal to choose from.
Perhaps Eugene thought that Ronald Poppo was his long-lost father or friend that God wanted him to eat, in accordance with Ezekiel 5:10 or Jeremiah 19:9 . Or maybe that Poppo was just "another" whom God commanded him to eat in Zechariah 11:9. Or that Poppo was one of God's people and, therefore, it was Eugene's job to eat him, as prophesied in Micah 3:2-3.
It's hard to know what God had in mind when he inspired these verses. But I suspect that Rudy Eugene might have a good idea. He and God seem to think pretty much alike.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/06/2012 12:15:00 PM 13 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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01 June 2012Finally, a Christian who is not ashamed of Leviticus 20:13
In his sermon last Sunday, Curtis Knapp of New Hope Baptist Church in Seneca, Kansas had this to say about homosexuals:
They should be put to death. That's what happened in Israel. That's why homosexuality wouldn't have grown in Israel. It tends to limit conversions. It tends to limit people coming out of the closets.
But he says it's not our job to kill them. It's the government's.
Oh, so you're saying we should go out and start killing them? No, I'm saying the government should.
Then he did what Bible believers are rarely willing to do: he quoted Leviticus 20:13.
If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, then they have committed a detestable act, and they shall surely be put to death.
He then finished by saying something really puzzling.
I don't think homosexuals have anything to worry about. I don't think the government is going to do that. They don't have anything to worry about from me. I don't believe I should lay a finger against them.
Leviticus 20:13 says nothing about government. And neither does the context. Here, for example, is how Leviticus 20 starts out.
And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Again, thou shalt say to the children of Israel, Whosoever he be of the children of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn in Israel, that giveth any of his seed unto Molech; he shall surely be put to death: the people of the land shall stone him with stones. Leviticus 20:1-2
"He shall be put to death: the people of the land shall stone him with stones."
It was the people's job to throw the stones, not the government's.
God makes this point especially clear in the next few verses. Here's what happens to people like Curtis Knapp who refuse to cast the first stone.
And if the people of the land do any ways hide their eyes from the man, when he giveth of his seed unto Molech, and kill him not: Then I will set my face against that man, and against his family, and will cut him off.... Leviticus 20:4-5
God will "cut off" people who refuse to kill those that God says should be killed (like those who "give their seed to Molech", curse their parents, have sex with animals, etc.). Then when he's done with that he'll do the same to their families.
No, it's not the governments job to do the killing; it's ours.
The only question is how? In some cases (like the people who give their seed to Molech and wizards) it's clear enough: God wants us to stone them to death.
In other cases (like when a man has sex with his wife and her mother), we must burn them to death.
But sometimes God just doesn't say how we should do it.
Let's look again at Leviticus 20:13.
If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
All we can say for sure is this: God wants us to kill male homosexuals in a bloody way. "Their blood shall be upon them." Stoning would certainly be bloody enough, even for God. And it's one of God's favorite means of execution. So I think Pastor Knapp should go with that.
But if the good pastor "hides his eyes" from homosexuals by refusing to kill them as God commands, God will "set his face against him and his family" and "cut them off."
It's time for Pastor Knapp and other Bible believers to come out of the closet and do what God commands them to do in Leviticus 20:13.
It's their job, not the governments.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/01/2012 02:29:00 PM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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31 July 2012Jeremy Paxman is right: The Bible is religious hogwash that stupid people teach to children
Jeremy Paxman has upset a few (stupid) people for calling the Bible "religious hogwash."
Here are some quotes from his interview with Richard Dawkins on BBC Newsnight.
Paxman (0:49): ...from our earliest years, we have learned to suspend disbelief. And that, apparently, is how we condition impressionable brains to absorb religious hogwash.
Dawkins (7:58): The problem is that 40% of the American people think it [the Genesis creation story] is literally true. And they probably think Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt as well, for that matter.
Paxman (8:07): Do you really care that there are a lot of stupid people around?
Dawkins (8:11): I do, actually, yes. I care that children are being mislead by those stupid people.
Posted by Steve Wells at 7/31/2012 11:55:00 AM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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26 July 2012The Worst Person in the World (according to the Bible)
In my last post I nominated Jehu for the Worst Person in the Bible award. It wasn't an easy choice, of course, since there are so many bad people in the Bible.
But who is the worst person in the Bible according to the Bible?
There are really only three candidates: Jeroboam, Omri, and Ahab.
God made Jeroboam the king of Israel, but he wasn't happy with him. He just wasn't perfect like David.
Thou hast not been as my servant David, who kept my commandments, and who followed me with all his heart, to do that only which was right in mine eyes. 1 Kings 14:8
In fact, Jeroboam wasn't just not perfect like David, he was worst person who had ever lived up to that time.
Go, tell Jeroboam, Thus saith the LORD God ... thou ... hast done evil above all that were before thee. 1 Kings 14:7-9
The Bible doesn't say what Jeroboam did that was so evil, but whatever it was it was so evil that God had to kill Jeroboam, his son and entire family. Here's the way God put it:
Behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall ... and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung ... Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 1 Kings 14:10
There were others after Jeroboam that were evil, so evil, in fact, that God had to kill them too (like Baasha, whom God selected to slaughter Jeroboam's family; and Zimri, whom God selected to kill Baasha's family and who was later burned to death by God). But none of them qualified as the worst person in the world up to that time.
Until Omri, who replaced Jeroboam as the worst person in the world (and who led an attack on Zimri that resulted in Zimri burning to death).
Omri wrought evil in the eyes of the LORD, and did worse than all that were before him. 1 Kings 16:25
But Omni's reign as the worst person in the world didn't last long, since he was replaced by his son, Ahab.
Ahab the son of Omri did evil in the sight of the LORD above all that were before him ... Ahab did more to provoke the LORD God of Israel to anger than all the kings of Israel that were before him. 1 Kings 16:30-33
What was it that Ahab did that was so awful?
He didn't kill a captured king.
To God, that is the worst thing a person can do. It cost Saul his kingdom and it cost Ahab his life. To punish Ahab for the crime of showing mercy, God killed Ahab and selected Jehu to murder Ahab's 70 sons, his wife, family and friends.
Since Ahab is the last person in the Bible to be called the worst person in the world, I guess he wins the Bible's prize.
(Next question: Who is the worst person in Breaking Bad?)
Posted by Steve Wells at 7/26/2012 01:49:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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24 July 2012The worst person in the Bible
As anyone who has actually read the Bible knows, there are a lot of bad people in the (not so very) Good Book. Noah, Abraham, Lot, Moses, Joshua, Jephthah, Gideon, Samson, David, Elijah, Elisha, Jesus -- there are many candidates for the worst person in the Bible award.
My choice for the award isn't on the above list. It is someone that many Bible believers have never even heard of.
His name is Jehu.
The story of Jehu is told in 2 Kings chapters 9 and 10, where God, through the prophet Elisha, anoints Jehu as king and commands him to perform a series of serial killings. First he is told to kill everyone in Ahab's family, especially all those who have ever "pissed against a wall."
Thus saith the LORD God ... thou shalt smite the house of Ahab ... For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall. 2 Kings 9:7-9
So Jehu rides off in his chariot to kill Ahab's son, Jehoram -- a wall pisser if ever there was one.
After killing Jehoram, Jehu killed Ahab's wife, Jezebel, whom God wanted not just dead, but treated like shit and fed to the dogs.
And the dogs shall eat Jezebel in the portion of Jezreel, and there shall be none to bury her. 9:10
This is the word of the LORD ... dogs [shall] eat the flesh of Jezebel: And the carcase of Jezebel shall be as dung upon the face of the field. 9:36-37
So Jehu had Jezebel thrown off a wall to be trampled by horses and fed to the dogs.
Then it was time to take care of the rest of Ahab's family. So Jehu ordered the rulers of Jezreel to cut off the heads of 70 of Ahab's sons and deliver them to him in two baskets.
But there were still a few other wall-pissers on God's hit list. So Jehu searched the town of Jezreel for any and all of Ahab's remaining family and friends -- whoever was associated somehow with Ahab and might have pissed against a wall at one time or another.
Then he killed them all.
So Jehu slew all that remained of the house of Ahab in Jezreel, and all his great men, and his kinsfolks, and his priests, until he left him none remaining. 2 Kings 10:11
But there were still more of Ahab's family to kill. (Ahab had a very large family.) So Jehu drove off to Samaria to meet with the family of King Ahaziah of Judah (a relative of Ahab).
It was a short, productive meeting. Jehu had only one action item: kill all 42 attendees.
Jehu met with the brethren of Ahaziah king of Judah ... And he [Jehu] said, Take them alive. And they took them alive, and slew them at the pit of the shearing house, even two and fortymen; neither left he any of them. 10:13-14
There were still a few more of Ahab's relatives to kill, however. So Jehu and a very close friend show off their "zeal for the Lord" by slaughtering the rest of Ahab's family.
When he was departed thence, he lighted on Jehonadab the son of Rechab coming to meet him: and he saluted him, and said to him, Is thine heart right, as my heart is with thy heart? And Jehonadab answered, It is. If it be, give me thine hand. And he gave him his hand; and he took him up to him into the chariot. And he said, Come with me, and see my zeal for the LORD ... And when he came to Samaria, he slew all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him, according to the saying of the LORD. 10:15-17
And finally, after Jehu finished killing Ahab's family in Samaria, he called an assembly to worship Baal. Then when the worshipers arrived, he killed them all.
Jehu said, Proclaim a solemn assembly for Baal. And they proclaimed it. And Jehu sent through all Israel: and all the worshippers of Baal came, so that there was not a man left that came not. And they came into the house of Baal; and the house of Baal was full from one end to another. ... As soon as he had made an end of offering the burnt offering, that Jehu said to the guard and to the captains, Go in, and slay them; let none come forth. And they smote them with the edge of the sword. 2 Kings 10:20-25
And that's all the Bible says about Jehu. Still it seems enough to award him the title of the worst person in the Bible.
But what about God? Since he ordered the killings, isn't he even worse than Jehu?
And the LORD said unto Jehu, Because thou hast done well in executing that which is right in mine eyes, and hast done unto the house of Ahab according to all that was in mine heart, thy children of the fourth generation shall sit on the throne of Israel. 2 Kings 10:30
Well, yes he is. Richard Dawkins was quite right when he said that "the God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction." But he's not human (or a corporation), so he doesn't qualify as a person.
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To be fair to God, I should mention that God seemed to change his mind about the Jehu mass murders.
And the LORD said unto him, Call his name Jezreel; for yet a little while, and I will avenge the blood of Jezreel upon the house of Jehu, and will cause to cease the kingdom of the house of Israel. Hosea 1:4
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Here are a few questions for believers:
Did Jehu "do well" when he performed this series of mass murders and was "it according to God's heart" as it says in 2 Kings 10:30?
Why then did God say he would avenge Jehu's killings in Hosea 1:4?
How are Jehu's killings different from those of James Holmes?
Posted by Steve Wells at 7/24/2012 11:56:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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11 July 2012Woe is everyone!
My last post showed that God is woe. But he's got plenty of woe company.
Here's a list of woe people in the Bible.
Early rising, all-day drinkers
Woe unto them that rise up early in the morning, that they may follow strong drink; that continue until night, till wine inflame them! Isaiah 5:11
Drinkers, drunkards, and bartenders
Woe unto them that are mighty to drink wine, and ... mingle strong drink. Isaiah 5:22
Woe to ... the drunkards ... that are overcome with wine! Isaiah 28:1
Woe unto him that giveth his neighbour drink, that puttest thy bottle to him, and makest him drunken. Habakkuk 2:15
People with unclean lips
Woe is me! ... because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips. Isaiah 6:5
People that make a noise like the sea
Woe to the multitude ... which make a noise like the noise of the seas. Isaiah 17:12
Spoiled people
Woe unto us! for we are spoiled. Jeremiah 4:13
Foolish, free-spirited prophets
Woe unto the foolish prophets, that follow their own spirit, and have seen nothing! Ezekiel 13:3
Women that sew pillows
Thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the women that sew pillows ... Behold, I am against your pillows. Ezekiel 13:18-20
Bloody cities
Woe to the bloody city, to the pot whose scum is therein, and whose scum is not gone out of it! Ezekiel 24:6
Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the bloody city I will even make the pile for fire great. Ezekiel 24:9
Woe to the bloody city! Nahum 3:1
People that desire the day of the Lord
Woe unto you that desire the day of the LORD! to what end is it for you? the day of the LORD is darkness, and not light. Amos 5:18
People that are at ease
Woe to them that are at ease. Amos 6:1
People who wake up wood or dumb stones
Woe unto him that saith to the wood, Awake; to the dumb stone, Arise. Habakkuk 2:19
The inhabitants of the sea coast
Woe unto the inhabitants of the sea coast ... I will even destroy thee, that there shall be no inhabitant. Zephaniah 2:5
Filthy and polluted women
Woe to her that is filthy and polluted. Zephaniah 3:1
Idle shepherds
Woe to the idle shepherd that leaveth the flock! the sword shall be upon his arm, and upon his right eye: his arm shall be clean dried up, and his right eye shall be utterly darkened. Zechariah 11:17
Pregnant women and nursing mothers
Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Matthew 24:19, Mark 13:17, Luke 21:23
Rich people
Woe unto you that are rich! Luke 6:24
The well-fed
Woe unto you that are full! Luke 6:25a
Those that laugh now
Woe to you that laugh now. Luke 6:25b
Those with good reputations
Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! Luke 6:26
Lawyers
Woe unto you also, ye lawyers! Luke 11:46
Everyone on earth
Woe unto the world because of offences! Matthew 18:7
Woe, woe, woe, to the inhabiters of the earth! Revelation 8:13
Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you. Revelation 12:12
Posted by Steve Wells at 7/11/2012 01:43:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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10 July 2012Woe is God.
Woe to them that devise iniquity, and work evil upon their beds! Micah 2:1
Thus saith the LORD; Behold, against this family do I devise an evil. Micah 2:3
Posted by Steve Wells at 7/10/2012 09:20:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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08 July 20122 Nephi 30: They shall be a white pure and delightsome people
In the last chapter, Nephi explained that God had written a new Bible, a Third Testament, "a marvelous work and a wonder," which we all know today as the Book of Mormon.
Here's how the Book of Mormon (the musical) explains it:
You all know the Bible is made of testaments old an new.
You've been told it's just those two parts,
or only one if you're a Jew.
But what if I were to tell you,
there's a fresh third part out there,
Which was found by a hip new prophet
who had a little Donny Osmond flair.
You've got to believe in the first two books or you will perish without covenanting with God.
Except ye shall keep the commandments of God ye shall all likewise perish. 2 Nephi 30:1
The Jews believe in the first but not the second, so god will cast them off.
As many of the Jews as will not repent shall be cast off; for the Lord covenanteth with none save it be with them that repent and believe in his Son. 2 Nephi 30:2
But believing in the first two is not enough; you also need to believe in the third book, as Nephi prophesied somewhat more about.
And now, I would prophesy somewhat more concerning the Jews and the Gentiles. For after the book of which I have spoken. 2 Nephi 30:3
Believing in these three books will not only get you saved, they will also turn your skin white (if God has cursed you with with dark skin) or make you delightsome (if you have become loathsome, filthy, idle, and abominable by dwindling in unbelief).
And the gospel of Jesus Christ shall be declared among them ... and their scales of darkness shall begin to fall from their eyes; and many generations shall not pass away among them, save they shall be a pure and delightsome people. 2 Nephi 30:5-6
(Note: The Mormon Church changed the word "white" to "pure" to soften the obvious racism of this prophecy.)
Belief in these three books will whiten the skin of the Lamanites (Native Americans) and make the Jews a delightsome people.
And it shall come to pass that the Jews which are scattered also shall begin to believe in Christ; and they shall begin to gather in upon the face of the land; and as many as shall believe in Christ shall also become a delightsome people. 2 Nephi 30:7
And it will work for you too, no matter how loathsome, filthy, idle, or abominable you are, or how dark your skin may be. You can become white and delightsome in God's eyes.
All you've got to do is believe.
Posted by Steve Wells at 7/08/2012 11:32:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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06 July 2012The Shechem and Dinah love story/massacre
The story begins when Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, goes out to meet her Hivite neighbors.
Dinah the daughter of Leah, which she bare unto Jacob, went out to see the daughters of the land. Genesis 34:1
While she was visiting, a young Hivite man named Shechem saw her and immediately fell in love with her. (Well, maybe not immediately, but after he had sex with her, anyway. The Bible doesn't say whether it was consensual or not.)
And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, saw her, he took her, and lay with her, and defiled her. And his soul clave unto Dinah ... and he loved the damsel, and spake kindly unto the damsel. 34:2-3
Shechem told his father that he'd like to marry Dinah.
Shechem spake unto his father Hamor, saying, Get me this damsel to wife. 34.4
So Hamor went to talk to Jacob about it.
And Hamor the father of Shechem went out unto Jacob to commune with him ... saying, The soul of my son Shechem longeth for your daughter: I pray you give her him to wife. 34.6-8
Hamor suggested that the Hivites and the Israelites live together in peace, trading and intermarrying with one other.
And make ye marriages with us, and give your daughters unto us, and take our daughters unto you. And ye shall dwell with us: and the land shall be before you; dwell and trade ye therein, and get you possessions therein. 34:9-10
Jacob didn't seem to care much about it, one way or another. But his sons did. It was all about the Hivite's penises.
The sons of Jacob answered Shechem and Hamor his father deceitfully, and said, ... We cannot do this thing, to give our sister to one that is uncircumcised. 34:13-14
The problem was that little flap of skin at the tip of the Hivite's penises. If they'd just cut that off, then they could all happily live together in peace.
But in this will we consent unto you: If ye will be as we be, that every male of you be circumcised; Then will we give our daughters unto you, and we will take your daughters to us, and we will dwell with you, and we will become one people. 34:15-16
Hamor agrees to this. He, along with his son and all the male Hivites, will cut off that little flap of skin at the end of their penises as a sacrifice for peace. (Greater love hath no father than this, that he cut off his own foreskin for his son.)
And Hamor and Shechem his son ... communed with the men of their city, saying, These men are peaceable with us; therefore let them dwell in the land, and trade therein; for the land, behold, it is large enough for them; let us take their daughters to us for wives, and let us give them our daughters. Only herein will the men consent unto us for to dwell with us, to be one people, if every male among us be circumcised, as they are circumcised. ... Let us consent unto them, and they will dwell with us. 34:20-21
So Hamor, Shechem and every male Hivite cut off that little flap of skin that offends God so much.
And every male was circumcised. 34:24
And Dinah and Shechem were married and everyone lived happily ever after.
Just kidding.
Here's what actually happened.
And it came to pass on the third day, when they were sore, that two of the sons of Jacob ... took each man his sword, and came upon the city boldly, and slew all the males. And they slew Hamor and Shechem his son with the edge of the sword, and took Dinah out of Shechem's house, and went out. The sons of Jacob came upon the slain, and spoiled the city, because they had defiled their sister. ... And all their wealth, and all their little ones, and their wives took they captive, and spoiled even all that was in the house. 34:25-29
Jacob's sons slaughtered Shechem, Hamor, and all the Hivite males while they were recovering from their circumcisions, and then stole their possessions and enslaved their wives.
But at least Hamor died for something worthwhile -- the happiness of his son and peace in the world. And thereby set a great example for Father's Day.
It's a nasty story, of course, but it isn't entirely clear, from the story in Genesis 34 anyway, what God had to do with it. And for that reason, I originally left it off the list of God's killings. However the deuterocanonical book of Judith clears all that up very nicely.
Here's what it says.
O Lord God of my father Simeon, who gavest him a sword to execute vengeance against strangers, who had defiled by their uncleanness, and uncovered the virgin unto confusion: And who gavest their wives to be made a prey, and their daughters into captivity ... who were zealous with thy zeal. Judith 9:2-3
So God not only approved of the Shechem massacre, he gave Simeon the sword to do it with.
Thank God for the Catholic Bible.
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Since the Bible doesn't say how many Hivites were killed in this massacre, I just gave it the usual 1000 for a standard biblical massacre. But two victims were known by name (Shechem and Hamor), so I added 2 to the "biblical number" for God's killings.
God's next killing: Er for being wicked in the sight of the Lord
Posted by Steve Wells at 7/06/2012 12:02:00 PM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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05 July 2012Three more ways that Muhammad is better than Jesus
In a previous post, I discussed the important question: who had the most powerful spit, Jesus or Muhammad?
But what about the other characteristics of Jesus and Mo?
Well, here are three more ways that the founders of the two largest religions can be compared. (Information about Muhammad is from the Ash-Shifa.)
Mo had pure women ancestors all the way back to Eve.
From the time of Prophet Adam … there was neither an adulterer nor fornicator in the lineage of the Prophet, all were officially married. p.13
A line of no less than five hundred female ancestors of the Prophet ... He too verified that none had fornicated. p.13
Jesus didn't. (His 47th or so great grandfather was the son of a prostitute.)
It was told Tamar, saying, Behold thy father in law goeth up to Timnath to shear his sheep. ... When Judah saw her, he thought her to be an harlot; because she had covered her face. And he said ... let me come in unto thee ... And he gave it her, and came in unto her, and she conceived by him. ... And twins were in her womb. ... Pharez and Zarah. Genesis 38.13-28
Jesus ... being (as was supposed) the son of Joseph, which was the son of Heli ... [46 or so generations] ... which was the son of Phares. Luke 3.33
Judas and Tamar (the mother of Pharez)
Mo was born already circumcised.
When the Prophet … was born he was already circumcised and his umbilical cord cut. … He was clean when he was born. p.46
Jesus wasn't.
When eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the child, his name was called JESUS. Luke 2:21
The circumcision of Jesus
Mo was endowed with the sexual power of forty men and had sex with all of his wives every night.
There is, however, an extra virtue the satisfaction of satisfying a wife's need. The Prophet … was given an abundance of this ability and would visit all of his wives in the same hour. Anas and his companions concluded that he had been given the power of thirty men. p.56
In the matter of sexual intercourse, the Prophet was endowed with the power of forty men. After having visited each wife he would take a purification bath before going to the next and said, "This is better and purer." p.56
Jesus never married (although he plans to get married someday) and had sex with no one.
The marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready. Revelation 19:7
And there came unto me one of the seven angels which had the seven vials full of the seven last plagues, and talked with me, saying, Come hither, I will shew thee the bride, the Lamb's wife. Revelation 21:9
Jesus' bride making herself ready
Posted by Steve Wells at 7/05/2012 10:25:00 AM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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04 July 2012What the Bible Says About Alcohol
Recently, a woman who was convicted of drunk driving was sentenced to do some jail time -- and some Bible study. So it got me thinking about what the Bible has to say about alcohol.
Here's what I found.
Noah was the first drunk (and naked), just and perfect, preacher of righteousness. (God approves of drunk and naked preachers. Just don't look get caught looking at them. -- See Genesis 9:24-25)
Noah ... drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. Genesis 9:20-21
Noah was a just man and perfect ... and Noah walked with God. Genesis 6:9
The LORD said unto Noah ... thee have I seen righteous. Genesis 7:1
God ... saved Noah ... a preacher of righteousness, bringing in the flood upon the world of the ungodly. 2 Peter 2:5
Lot, the just and righteous, got drunk and impregnated his daughters. (Just and righteous fathers occasionally do that sort of thing.)
Lot ... dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him ... and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters. And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us ... Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. Genesis 19:30-36
God ... delivered just Lot ... that righteous man. 2 Peter 2:4-8
God drinks wine and it makes him happy. It'll work for you too.
Wine ... cheereth God and man. Judges 9:13
Wine ... maketh glad the heart of man. Psalms 104:15
God is great. He cheers the young men with corn and the maids with wine.
How great is his goodness, and how great is his beauty! corn shall make the young men cheerful, and new wine the maids. Zechariah 9:17
God gave us plenty of wine, so I guess we should drink it.
God gave thee ... plenty of ... wine. Genesis 27:28
Don't drink water. Drink wine instead. (For your stomach's sake)
Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake. 1 Timothy 5:23
But don't drink the wine of Sodom and Gomorrah; it is the poison of dragons.
For their vine is of the vine of Sodom, and of the fields of Gomorrah: their grapes are grapes of gall, their clusters are bitter: Their wine is the poison of dragons. Deuteronomy 32:32-33
And don't drink wine in bowls.
Woe to them ... that drink wine in bowls. Amos 6:1-6
Or let any holy flesh touch wine or it won't be holy any more. (The flesh, I think, not the wine)
Thus saith the LORD of hosts; Ask now the priests concerning the law, saying, If one bear holy flesh in the skirt of his garment, and with his skirt do touch ... wine ... shall it be holy? Haggai 2:11-12
In case you were wondering, there will be wine in heaven.
I [Jesus] will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom. Matthew 26:29
Here's a nice verse to quote at parties.
Drink thou also and let thy foreskin be uncovered. Habakkuk 2:16
If you get drunk and run out of wine, weep and howl.
Awake, ye drunkards, and weep; and howl, all ye drinkers of wine, because of the new wine; for it is cut off from your mouth. Joel 1:5
And ask Jesus' mom to help you.
And when they wanted wine, the mother of Jesus saith unto him, They have no wine. ... His mother saith unto the servants, Whatsoever he saith unto you, do it. ... Jesus saith unto them, Fill the waterpots with water. And they filled them up to the brim. And he saith unto them, Draw out now, and bear unto the governor of the feast. And they bare it. When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine ... the governor of the feast called the bridegroom, And saith unto him,Every man at the beginning doth set forth good wine; and when men have well drunk, then that which is worse: but thou hast kept the good wine until now. John 2:2-10
There is one time, though, when you shouldn't drink -- when going to church. (If you do, God will kill you.)
Do not drink wine nor strong drink ... when ye go into the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye die: it shall be a statute for ever throughout your generations.
Leviticus 10:9
Be sure to give God a quarter (or a third or a half) hin of wine for a drink offering now and then. (A hin is about 4 liters.)
Now this is that which thou shalt offer upon the altar ... the fourth part of an hin of wine for a drink offering. Exodus 29:38-40
And ye shall offer ... unto the LORD ... wine, the fourth part of an hin.Leviticus 23:12-13
His offering unto the LORD ... the fourth part of an hin of wine for a drink offering. Numbers 15:4-5
For a drink offering thou shalt offer the third part of an hin of wine. Numbers 15:7
Thou shalt bring for a drink offering half an hin of wine, for ... a sweet savour unto the LORD. Numbers 15:10
Their drink offerings shall be half an hin of wine. Numbers 28:14
David once gave a large bottle of wine to every man and woman in Israel. (And since David did right in the eyes of the Lord, it must have been OK to drink it.)
David ... dealt to every one of Israel, both man and woman, ... a flagon of wine. -- 1 Chronicles 16:2-3
If you give money to God, he'll give you lots of wine.
Honour the LORD with thy substance ... and thy presses shall burst out with new wine. -- Proverbs 3:9-10
Some lips are like wine that goes down sweetly and makes sleeping people talk.
And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak. Song of Solomon 7:9
If you see God flying over you blowing a trumpet, drink some wine and make a wine-like noise.
And the LORD shall be seen over them ... and the LORD God shall blow the trumpet ... and they shall drink, and make a noise as through wine. Zechariah 9:14-15
Sometimes God sends a perverse spirit that makes people act drunk, "as a drunken man staggereth in his own vomit."
The LORD hath mingled a perverse spirit in the midst thereof: they have caused Egypt to err in every work thereof, as a drunken man staggereth in his vomit. Isaiah 19:14
God will make everyone drunk and then "dash the fathers and the sons together."
Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Every bottle shall be filled with wine ... I will fill all the inhabitants of this land ... with drunkenness. And I will dash them one against another, even the fathers and the sons together, saith the LORD: I will not pity, nor spare, nor have mercy, but destroy them. Jeremiah 13:12-14
God will force all nations to drink from his wine cup of fury. It will make them drunk and crazy; then he'll kill them all with a sword.
For thus saith the LORD God of Israel unto me; Take the wine cup of this fury at my hand, and cause all the nations, to whom I send thee, to drink it.
And they shall drink, and be moved, and be mad, because of the sword that I will send among them. Jeremiah 25:15-16
Thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Drink ye, and be drunken, and spue, and fall, and rise no more, because of the sword which I will send among you.
And it shall be, if they refuse to take the cup at thine hand to drink, then shalt thou say unto them, Thus saith the LORD of hosts; Ye shall certainly drink. Jeremiah 25:27-28
Babylon hath been a golden cup in the LORD's hand, that made all the earth drunken: the nations have drunken of her wine; therefore the nations are mad. Jeremiah 51:7
I will make them drunken ... saith the LORD. I will bring them down like lambs to the slaughter, like rams with he goats. Jeremiah 51:39-40
God will force the Babylonians to get so drunk that they die from alcohol poisoning.
I will make drunk her princes, and her wise men, her captains, and her rulers, and her mighty men: and they shall sleep a perpetual sleep, and not wake, saith the King, whose name is the LORD of hosts. Jeremiah 51:57
On the day of the Lord, God's sword will become drunk with blood. (If God's sword can get drunk with blood, it's probably OK for you to have a beer now and then.)
For this is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46:10
God will feed the bodies of the people he has killed to the birds and beasts, who will become drunk on their blood.
Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field ... come; gather yourselves on every side to my sacrifice that I do sacrifice for you
... that ye may ... drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. Ezekiel 39:17-19
Someday we'll all get drunk on the wine of the whore of Babylon's fornication. (So there's that to look forward to.)
With whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication, and the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication. Revelation 17:2
So drink or don't drink. It's your choice.
In either case, now you know what the Bible says about it.
Posted by Steve Wells at 7/04/2012 03:00:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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50 reasons to be ashamed (and not a fan) of Jesus
Who has killed more, Satan or God?
God's Top 50 Killings in the Bible
Where do evil spirits come from?
David, a man after God's own heart (WWDD?)
The worth of a woman: The Bible vs. the Quran
208 ways to get yourself saved
Real men pee standing up
Everybody must get stoned
Where do evil spirits come from?
What does Jesus have written on his testicles?
Which is more violent, the Bible or the Quran?
Why Christian "Marriage" is Wrong
Is it wrong to burn people to death?
The Top 50 Bible Stories for kids
Which bits of the Bible are we still to believe?
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21 August 2012Richard Dawkins: The Playboy Interview
OK, I guess I have to buy another issue of Playboy.
(The last one that I was forced to buy was back in February 2007, when my post on God's killings was mentioned in its "Raw Data" section.)
But the September 2012 issue has something even better: a long interview with Richard Dawkins.
Playboy and richard dawkins
You can read some of it here, but to get the whole thing you've got to buy the issue. (I know it's a bit embarrassing, but it has to be done.)
The thing that struck me the most was this question about the Bible:
PLAYBOY: You’ve read the Bible.
DAWKINS: I haven’t read it all, but my knowledge of the Bible is a lot better than most fundamentalist Christians’.
And that's probably true enough. Most Christians haven't read the Bible; it's a lot easier to believe in the Bible if you've never read it.
Still, I'm surprised that Dawkins hasn't read the Bible, the whole goddamned thing from cover to cover.
Of course, it's not necessary to read it all to know enough about it to reject it. The first and last few verses are more than enough:
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. Genesis 1:1
If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book ... He which testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly. Amen. Revelation 22:18-20
Dawkins knows enough about "the plagues that are written in this book" and the nasty nature of its imaginary god to reject both the book and its supposed author. I don't know how anyone could do otherwise.
But enough of all that. I've got to go get the September issue of Playboy.
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August 22 Update: I got the issue and guess what? The entire interview is included in the above link. But don't let that stop you from buying a copy -- for the pictures. (There are three photos of Dawkins that aren't included in the online interview.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/21/2012 11:08:00 AM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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15 August 2012The Judith massacre: hang ye up this head upon our walls
In my last post we saw how God helped Judith cut off the head of Holofernes. It probably looked something like this.
Not a pretty picture, eh?
But God had a good reason for inspiring this act of barbarism: he did it to encourage the troops and to terrorize the opposition.
Here's how it happened.
When Judith returned to the Israelites, she took Holofernes' head out of the wallet, and showed it to them, assuring everyone that no sex was involved in the murderous deed.
She brought forth the head of Holofernes out of the wallet, and shewed it them, saying: Behold the head of Holofernes the general of the army of the Assyrians, and behold his canopy, wherein he lay in his drunkenness, where the Lord our God slew him by the hand of a woman. ... The Lord hath not suffered me his handmaid to be defiled. Judith 13:19-20
Achior (an unbelieving Ammonite that happened to be around at the time) had this to say about it.
God ... hath cut off the head of all the unbelievers this night by my hand. Judith 13:27
He was, in fact, so impressed with the whole thing that he decided to become a Jew right then and there, cutting off his own foreskin to seal the deal. Glory!
Then Achior seeing the power that the God of Israel had wrought, leaving the religion of the gentiles, he believed God, and circumcised the flesh of his foreskin, and was joined to the people of Israel. Judith 14:6
Judith told the Israelites to hang Holofernes' head on the wall and wait a bit until the Assyrians see the headless body of Holofernes wallowing around in his own blood. Then, while they're freaking out about that, attack them while they're running away. God will help them kill them all.
Judith said to all the people: Hear me, my brethren, hang ye up this head upon our walls. ... when the captains of them shall run to the tent of Holofernes, and shall find him without his head wallowing in his blood, fear shall fall upon them.And when you shall know that they are fleeing, go after them securely, for the Lord will destroy them under your feet. Judith 14:1-5
So that's what they did. They hung Holofernes' head on the wall. Then they all screamed and took off after the fleeing Assyrian army.
They hung up the head of Holofernes upon the walls, and every man took his arms, and they sent out with a great noise and shouting. Judith 14:7
Meanwhile one of the Assyrians went into Holofernes' tent and saw his headless body sweltering in his blood. So he screamed bloody murder and rent his garments.
Vagao ... perceived ... the body of Holofernes, lying upon the ground, without the head, sweltering in his blood, he cried out with a loud voice, with weeping, and rent his garments. Judith 14:14
Then he ran out and told all the people.
He ran out to the people, and said, One Hebrew woman hath made confusion in the house of king Nabuchodonosor: for behold Holofernes lieth upon the ground, and his head is not upon him. Judith 14:15-16
When the Assyrian chiefs and army heard about that, they did what all biblical characters do in such cases: they tore up their clothes and started screaming.
When the chiefs of the army of the Assyrians had heard this, they all rent their garments ... And there was a very great cry in the midst of their camp. Judith 14:17-18
The entire Assyrian army was so shook up by the whole thing that they all ran away.
When all the army heard that Holofernes was beheaded, courage and counsel fled from them, and being seized with trembling and fear they thought only to save themselves by flight. Judith 15:1
The Israelites chased them as they ran, killing them all (with God's help, of course) with the edge of the sword.
The children of Israel pursuing in one body, defeated all that they could find ... with the edge of the sword. Judith 15:4-6
How's that for a likely story?
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Since the text doesn't say how many were killed in this God-planned and assisted slaughter, I just gave it the usual 1000.
See here for many more images of Judith and Holofernes.
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God's next killing: Ananias and Sapphira
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/15/2012 01:30:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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14 August 2012Judith is blessed above all women (for cutting off a sleeping man's head)
If you were to ask Paul Ryan (or any other Catholic) who is the most blessed of all woman in the Bible, he'd say, without the slightest hesitation, Ayn Rand.
OK, just kidding. Ayn Rand isn't in the Bible (not even Paul Ryan's Bible). Every Catholic (even Paul Ryan) would say that Mary the mother of Jesus is the most blessed of all woman.
And there's some evidence for that. Here, after all, is how the angel Gabriel addressed Mary in gospel of Luke:
Hail [Mary], full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women. Luke 1:28
It's the first part of the "Hail Mary" that Catholics say 53 times when saying the Rosary.
But there are two other women in the Bible that could qualify for the Most Blessed of All Women award.
Remember Jael? You know, the one that drove a tent stake through a sleeping man's skull?
Here's what the Bible said about her:
Blessed above women shall Jael ... be, blessed shall she be above women ... She put her hand to the nail ... and with the hammer she smote Sisera, she smote off his head, when she had pierced and stricken through his temples. Judges 5:24
So Jael is blessed above all women -- including Mary, I guess.
But there's one more competitor -- Judith.
Her story is found in the Book of Judith, which is in the Catholic Bible, but is considered apocryphal by Protestants. Here's her story.
Judith was a beautiful widow who fasted all the time (except on the sabbath) and wore haircloth on her loins.
And she wore haircloth upon her loins, and fasted all the days of her life, except the sabbaths, and new moons, and the feasts of the house of Israel. And she was exceedingly beautiful. Judith 8:6-7
She asked God to help her kill her enemies the way he helped Simeon slaughter the newly circumcised Hivites in the Dinah/Shechem love story massacre.
O Lord God of my father Simeon, who gavest him a sword to execute vengeance against strangers, who had defiled by their uncleanness, and uncovered the virgin unto confusion: And who gavest their wives to be made a prey, and their daughters into captivity ... who were zealous with thy zeal: assist ... me. Judith 9:2-3
And the prayer worked. God, the great beautician, made Judith even more beautiful, so she could seduce and murder the Assyrian general, Holofernes.
The Lord also gave her more beauty ... so that she appeared to all men's eyes incomparably lovely. Judith 10:4
The heart of Holofernes was smitten, for he was burning with the desire of her. Judith 12:16
She lied to him about her intentions, partied with him in his tent; then, after he fell asleep in a drunken stupor, she cut off his head.
Holofernes was made merry on her occasion, and drank exceeding much wine, so much as he had never drunk in his life. Judith 12:20
Holofernes lay on his bed, fast asleep, being exceedingly drunk. Judith 13: 4
Judith stood before the bed praying ... Saying: Strengthen me, O Lord ... that it might be done by thee. And when she had said this, she ... loosed his sword ... And ... she took him by the hair of his head ... And she struck twice upon his neck, and cut off his head. Judith 13: 6-10
And for that act, Judith is declared to be blessed above all women upon the earth.
Blessed art thou, O daughter, by the Lord the most high God, above all women upon the earth ... God ... hath cut off the head of all the unbelievers this night by my hand. Judith 13:23-27
So now you see my problem, don't you? Who is the most blessed woman to ever live? Mary, Jael, or Judith?
I think it has to be Judith. Mary and Jael are "blessed among women," but Judith is "blessed above all women." So I think Judith wins the gold.
But maybe someone should ask Paul Ryan just to make sure.
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Guess I have to add another killing to God's list!
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God's next killing: The Judith massacre
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/14/2012 10:56:00 AM 13 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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07 August 20122 Nephi 31-33: Nephi makes an end of his prophesying and proposes a simple test
Well, we've finally made it to the end of 2 Nephi, where Nephi makes an end of his prophesying.
And now I, Nephi, make an end of my prophesying. 2 Nephi 31:1
And Nephi is quite proud of what he's written; it suffices him, since he has spoken plainly according to the plainness of his prophesying.
The things which I have written sufficeth me ... I shall speak unto you plainly, according to the plainness of my prophesying. 31:2
For his soul delights and glories in plainness.
For my soul delighteth in plainness ... I glory in plainness. 31:3, 33:6
And though he'd like to say more, he can't, because the Spirit stopped his utterance, leaving him to mourn because of the unbelief of people who just plain don't care about plainness.
And now I, Nephi, cannot say more; the Spirit stoppeth mine utterance, and I am left to mourn because of the unbelief ... for they will not search knowledge, nor understand great knowledge, when it is given unto them in plainness, even as plain as word can be. 32:7
But Nephi has written what he's written and he thinks it's of great worth.
I, Nephi, have written what I have written, and I esteem it as of great worth. 33.3
And you'll agree with him about that, unless you're controlled by the devil.
No man will be angry at the words which I have written save he shall be of the spirit of the devil. 33:5
So if you believe in Christ, you'll believe in Nephi's words, because they are the words of Christ and Christ gave them to Nephi (550 years before Jesus was born).
If ye shall believe in Christ ye will believe in these words, for they are the words of Christ, and he hath given them unto me. 33:10
If you doubt that, here's a simple test: Ask Christ to show you that Nephi's words are Christ's words.
And if they are not the words of Christ, judge ye -- for Christ will show unto you, with power and great glory, that they are his words. 33:11
That'll work, guaranteed.
Or it better, anyway. Because if it doesn't, God will condemn you to hell on the last day.
And you that will not partake of the goodness of God, and respect the words of the Jews, and also my words, and the words which shall proceed forth out of the mouth of the Lamb of God, behold, I bid you an everlasting farewell, for these words shall condemn you at the last day. 33:14
Good luck on the test.
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/07/2012 08:21:00 AM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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02 August 2012Billy Graham and Mark 7:9: No picking and choosing allowed!
(You must stone to death your disobedient children.)
God, I love Billy Graham's answers. And they're getting better all the time.
Here, for example, is L.K.'s July 31 question:
I find it inspiring to read the Bible, but I can’t go along with those who say it’s the divine Word of God, because frankly I find some of it kind of hard to swallow. Why can’t we just choose the parts we agree with and leave the rest alone?
And Billy Graham's answer:
We could do this, of course; many people actually do exactly that — picking and choosing what they’ll believe in the Bible while rejecting the rest. They are like the people of whom Jesus said, “You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions!” (Mark 7:9).
So, Yes L.K., the Bible has some awful stuff in it. But you can't just pick and choose what to believe: you have to believe and obey it all -- just like Jesus said in Mark 7:9.
But what was Jesus talking about in Mark 7:9? To understand that, you need to look at the context. Here are the relevant verses from Mark 7.
7:5 Then the Pharisees and scribes asked him, Why walk not thy disciples according to the tradition of the elders, but eat bread with unwashen hands?
7:6 He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me.
7:7 Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.
7:8 For laying aside the commandment of God, ye hold the tradition of men, as the washing of pots and cups: and many other such like things ye do.
7:9 And he said unto them, Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition.
7:10 For Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death:
In this passage, Jesus is criticized by the Pharisees for not washing his hands before eating. He defends himself by attacking them for not killing disobedient children according to the commandment of God: "He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death."
The "commandment of God" that Jesus referred to is found in Leviticus 20:9.
For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.
And Jesus had a good point here. The Bible is clear about children -- those that curse their parents (Leviticus 20:9), or strike them (Exodus 21:15), or refuse to obey them (Deuteronomy 21:18-21) are to be killed, in the latter case by stoning to death. But the Bible is much less clear about washing hands before eating.
So don't worry too much about washing up before meals. There's not much in the Bible about it and Jesus didn't bother with it. But if your kids disobey you, you know what you have to do.
You don't have to ask Billy Graham about it. He and Jesus have already answered that question for you.
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/02/2012 01:50:00 PM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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The worth of a woman: The Bible vs. the Quran
208 ways to get yourself saved
Real men pee standing up
Everybody must get stoned
Where do evil spirits come from?
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28 September 2012Jacob 3: Repent or "their skins will be whiter than yours."
Remember how God cursed the Lamanites (Native Americans) by darkening their skin? Well, he'll do it to you too, if you don't repent. That is the lesson of Jacob 3.
Back 2 Nephi 5, in God cursed the Lamanites, causing "a skin of blackness to come upon them" to make them appear repulsive to the "white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome" Nephites.
And it worked, too. The Nephites hated the Lamanites "because of their filthiness" and dark skins. But God says that the filthy Lamanites are more righteous than the Nephites, because they haven't committed whoredoms by having more than one wife like the Nephites (and Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, and Mitt Romney's great grandfather).
The Lamanites ... whom ye hate because of their filthiness and the cursing which hath come upon their skins, are more righteous than you; for they have not forgotten the commandment of the Lord, which was given unto our father -- that they should have save it were one wife, and concubines they should have none, and there should not be whoredoms committed among them. Jacob 3:5
God warns the Nephites that unless they repent, he will make their skin even darker than that of the Lamanites.
Unless ye shall repent of your sins that their skins will be whiter than yours. Jacob 3:8
After delivering God's dark-skin warning, Jacob spoke about many more things, only 1 percent of which he included in his small plates. But you can read all about them in the larger plates.
I, Jacob, spake many more things ... And a hundredth part of the proceedings of this people, which now began to be numerous, cannot be written upon these plates; but many of their proceedings are written upon the larger plates. Jacob 12-13
Jacob's small plates are called the plates of Jacob, which were somehow made by the hand of Nephi after Nephi died.
These plates are called the plates of Jacob, and they were made by the hand of Nephi. Jacob 3:14
And that's all Jacob has to say about that.
And I make an end of speaking these words. Jacob 3:14b
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/28/2012 11:37:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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25 September 2012Mr. Deity & The Signs (Part Deux)
I'd say something about it, but I don't want to spoil it.
Just watch.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/25/2012 03:39:00 PM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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What if we could edit the Bible? (Opening Karl Giberson's can of worms)
Is there a Bible-believer who hasn't asked that question?
Yes, I'm sure there are many, perhaps even most. Because most people who believe in the Bible have never read it (all of it, that is, not just carefully selected bits and pieces).
But what about believers who have read it? Have they asked themselves that question?
I suspect that most have, since they believe that Bible is the pure word of God, and yet when they read it (the whole damned thing), they find that it's about as pure and inspired as the rantings of their drunk uncle at last year's Christmas party.
Take Karl Giberson, for example. He is a Sophisticated Theologian (a term "Coyned" by Jerry Coyne) who is ashamed and disgusted by the Bible, while he pretends to believe it is the inspired word of God.
Here are a few quotes from his recent HuffPo article, "If only we could edit the Bible."
I have often wondered--quietly and usually to myself--what would happen if we could edit the Bible. Wouldn't it be good if some ecumenical committee could go through the Old Testament and take out all the language about stoning people to death for breaking various rules? Or maybe soften that passage where the Psalmist talks about bashing the heads of the babies of his enemies against the rocks? We could also fix some of those New Testament misquotes of the Old Testament.
Suggesting this is heretical, of course, but it seems to me that it would be better, in some ways at least, to edit the Bible than to ignore it....
He doesn't, of course, follow through with his suggestion. He leaves all the nasty stuff in the Bible alone and continues to ignore it (while pretending to believe it). That's sophisticated theology for you.
So I thought I'd give it a go and help believers relieve themselves of the embarrassing parts of the Bible.
Here is a short list of verses from the Old and New Testaments that every believer would like to get rid of, but can't. (These verses are listed on the endpapers of the SAB book, which will be available in November.)
Old Testament verses that Karl Giberson should edit
Genesis 19.8 “Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, an do ye to them as is good in your eyes.”
Genesis 22.2 “Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and ... offer him there for a burnt offering.”
Exodus 21.20-21 “If a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and ... if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money.
Exodus 22.18 “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.”
Leviticus 20.13 “If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.”
Leviticus 20.14 “If a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they.”
Leviticus 24.16 “He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him.”
Numbers 11.1 “And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them.”
Numbers 21.6 “And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.”
Numbers 31.15-18 “And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.”
Deuteronomy 25.11-12 “When two men strive together on with another, and the wife of the one ... putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.”
Deuteronomy 32.39-42 “I kill ... I wound ... I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh.”
1 Samuel 15.2-3 “Thus saith the LORD of hosts, ... Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.”
1 Samuel 18.27 “David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins … And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.”
2 Samuel 12.14-18 “Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die. And the LORD struck the child ... on the seventh day, that the child died. “
2 Kings 2.23-24 “As he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.”
2 Kings 9.6-8 “Thus saith the LORD God … I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall.”
2 Kings 18.27 “Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?”
2 Chronicles 21.14-15 “Behold, with a great plague will the LORD smite thy people, and thy children, and thy wives, and all thy goods. And thou shalt have great sickness by disease of thy bowels, until thy bowels fall out.”
Psalm 58.10 “The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked.”
Isaiah 45.7 “I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.”
Isaiah 49.26 “I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine.”
Jeremiah 19.9 “I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend.”
Jeremiah 48.10 “Cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood.”
Ezekiel 23.20 "For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses."
Malachi 2.3 “Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces.”
New Testament verses that (as Romney would say) could be stated more elegantly
Matthew 5.29-30 “If thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out .... And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off … for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.”
Matthew 10.35-36 “I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.”
Matthew 10.37 “He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.”
Matthew 13.12 “Whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath.”
Matthew13.13-15 “Therefore speak I to them in parables ... lest at any time they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them.”
Matthew 16.28 “Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom.”
Mark 16.16 “He that believeth not shall be damned.”
Mark16.17-18 “These signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them.”
Luke 14.26 “If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.”
Luke 19.27 “But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me.”
John 3.18 “He that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.”
John 3.36 “He that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him.”
John 12.40 “He hath blinded their eyes, and hardened their heart; that they should not see with their eyes, nor understand with their heart, and be converted, and I should heal them.”
1 Corinthians 7.1 “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.”
1 Corinthians 7.29 “The time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none.”
1 Corinthians 14.34-35 “Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak .... If they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home.”
Ephesians 5.22 “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.”
Ephesian 6.5 “Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ.”
2 Thessalonians 1.7-9 “The Lord Jesus ... In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God ... Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction.”
2 Thessalonians 2.11-12 “God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie: That they all might be damned.”
1 Timothy 2.11-12 “Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence … Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing.”
Revelation 14.3-4 “The hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth … these are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins”
Revelation 14.11 “And the smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever.“
Revelation 14.19-20 “The great winepress of the wrath of God ... was trodden without the city, and blood came out of the winepress, even unto the horse bridles.”
Revelation 19.13 “He was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God.”
Revelation 21.8 “The fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone.”
Revelation 22.20 “Surely I come quickly.”
This is just a start, of course. I have thousands more to suggest.
If you're a Bible-believer, let me know what you think? Are there any verses on my list that you are proud of? If so let me know.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/25/2012 12:00:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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21 September 2012Did God curse Mitt Romney by darkening his skin?
It's a fair question. Really.
You see, some people have noticed that Mitt's skin looked noticeably darker when he was interviewed by Univision yesterday.
So the question is this: Did Romney use make-up to darken his skin in order to appear more Latino to the Univision viewers? Or was there something else going on? Something that went on all the time in Romney's second favorite book, the Book of Mormon.
That book makes it clear that the Mormon God prefers white skin and punishes people by darkening their skin.
And he [God] had caused the cursing to come upon them [the Lamanites] ... wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. 2 Nephi 5:21
The Lamanites ... were led by their evil nature that they became wild, and ferocious, and a bloodthirsty people, full of idolatry and filthiness; feeding upon beasts of prey; dwelling in tents, and wandering about in the wilderness with a short skin girdle about their loins and their heads shaven.... And many of them did eat nothing save it was raw meat; and they were continually seeking to destroy us" Enos 1:20
He did it to the Lamanites (Native Americans) and he did it to black people (the descendants of Cain). Maybe he did it to Romney.
Here is how Governor Romney looked four years ago when he ran for president.
And here's how he looked in the Univision interview.
Mexican Mitt
I'd say he doesn't look nearly so "fair and delightsome" now, with that "skin of blackness" all over him. I wonder if he's also become "wild, and ferocious, ... bloodthirsty ... full of idolatry and filthiness; feeding upon beasts of prey" and "wandering about in the wilderness with a short skin girdle" upon his loins.
It's hard to say. But it's a fair question.
I guess we'll have to see how he acts on the campaign trail and at the debates. I can hardly wait.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/21/2012 05:41:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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No one was murdered (or blinded) because of this image
In my last post, I displayed the recent Muhammad cartoons that are causing such an uproar in the Muslim world. I hope no one was blinded by looking at them.
Here is a similar (but nsfw) cartoon that was featured in recent Onion article, with the caption, "No one was murdered because of this image."
Here is the text of the article:
WASHINGTON—Following the publication of the image above, in which the most cherished figures from multiple religious faiths were depicted engaging in a lascivious sex act of considerable depravity, no one was murdered, beaten, or had their lives threatened, sources reported Thursday. The image of the Hebrew prophet Moses high-fiving Jesus Christ as both are having their erect penises vigorously masturbated by Ganesha, all while the Hindu deity anally penetrates Buddha with his fist, reportedly went online at 6:45 p.m. EDT, after which not a single bomb threat was made against the organization responsible, nor did the person who created the cartoon go home fearing for his life in any way. Though some members of the Jewish, Christian, Hindu, and Buddhist faiths were reportedly offended by the image, sources confirmed that upon seeing it, they simply shook their heads, rolled their eyes, and continued on with their day.
And no one was murdered or blinded, at least as far as I know.
Which makes me wonder, what is wrong with non-Muslim believers these days?
I'm thinking especially about the Christians and Jews here. Haven't they read Leviticus 24:16?
He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him.
That is about as clear as it gets in the Bible -- Blasphemers are to be stoned to death. (There is no Leviticus 24:16 analog in the Quran.)
So why aren't Christians and Jews calling for the deaths of the Onion blasphemers?
And why are only Muslims willing to follow God's clear command in Leviticus 24:16?
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/21/2012 10:05:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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19 September 2012The naked Muhammad (Don't look or you'll go blind)
Yesterday, the French magazine, Charlie Hebdo, published some cartoons showing the prophet Muhammad (pb&jbuh). This, of course, is something no one is supposed to do, because it's blasphemy to show any kind of visual representation of Muhammad.
It all has to do with Muhammad's amazing modesty. He was the most modest person to have ever existed. He said so himself.
And he was especially modest when it came to exposing his private parts. No one, not even his favorite wife, Ayesha, ever saw him naked. Good thing, too, because if they did, they'd go blind.
Lady Ayesha … said, "I never saw the private parts of the Messenger of Allah." … The Prophet ... asked Imam Ali to ensure that no one other than himself should wash him (his covered body after his death). He told him, "No one has ever seen me naked, and if it were to happen he would become blind." Ash-Shifa, p.48
So please don't look at the cartoon below. If you do it will be the last thing you'll ever see.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/19/2012 08:52:00 AM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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14 September 2012The Innocence of Muslims: An awful film about an even worse man
Have you seen the YouTube video that is driving the Muslim world mad?
Well I have, and it is awful. It might, in fact, be the worst film I've ever seen. If the producers spent $20 making it, they spent way too much.
But I have no quarrel with its content. The movie gives Muhammad (pb&jbup) all the respect he deserves.
Here's a link to the video if you'd like to watch: Mo Movie Trailer
(Watch now, if you have the stomach for it. It probably won't be up for long.)
And here's the latest on the topic from Jesus and Mo.
‘spect2
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/14/2012 08:41:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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13 September 2012Yahweh's Amazing Test (Abraham, Genesis 22)
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/13/2012 10:41:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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07 September 2012Billy Graham: The Bible is the greatest 'self-help' book ever written (with 159 helpful examples)
Really, that's what he said, when answering a question about self-help books.
Q: Can you recommend some self-help books that might help me get my life together? I have a lot of problems I can't seem to overcome. People tell me just to try harder, but that doesn't get me anywhere. -- C.H.
A: Yes, I'd like to recommend to you the greatest "self-help" book ever written: the Bible! Every other self-help book will only give you the author's ideas, but the Bible gives you God's wisdom on how to live. Can you think of anything more important?
Which sounds good unless you've actually read the Bible.
In his letter, Mr. Graham gave no biblical examples, not a single one.
So I thought I'd help him out by providing a list of 159 things that God encourages you to do in "the best 'self-help' book ever written."
(Stolen from my New Year's Resolution post.)
Talk to a talking serpent.
Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman ... And the woman said unto the serpent ... And the serpent said unto the woman.... Genesis 3.1-4
Have sex with a son of God. (Make some giant babies!)
The sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives. Genesis 6:4
Get drunk and lay around naked. Then if your kids see you, curse their children (your unborn grandchildren).
Noah ... drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent ... And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father ... Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. Genesis 9:25
Have sex with your wife's slave. (If she gets pregnant, abandon her and her child.)
And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai. Genesis 16.2
Offer your virgin daughters to a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers.
I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes. Genesis 19:8
Get drunk and impregnate your virgin daughters.
Lot went up ... and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters. And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. Genesis 19:30-37
Be willing to kill your child for God.
Take now thine only son Isaac" ... and offer him there for a burnt offering. ... And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son. Genesis 22:2-10
Have sex with someone by mistake.
And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her. And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife that I may go in unto her ... And it came to pass in the evening, that he took Leah his daughter, and brought her to him; and he went in unto her ... And it came to pass, that in the morning, behold, it was Leah. Genesis 29:20-25
Buy sex with mandrakes.
And Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son's mandrakes. And Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night. Genesis 30:15-16
Have sex with your dead brother's wife. (But be sure not to spill it on the ground.)
And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him. And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife ... And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground ... And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also. Genesis 38:7-10
Have sex with your dead son's wife. (And then threaten to burn her to death.)
And it was told Tamar, saying, Behold thy father in law goeth up to Timnath to shear his sheep. And she put her widow's garments off from her, and covered her with a vail, and wrapped herself, and sat in an open place, which is by the way to Timnath; for she saw that Shelah was grown, and she was not given unto him to wife. When Judah saw her, he thought her to be an harlot; because she had covered her face. And he turned unto her by the way, and said, Go to, I pray thee, let me come in unto thee; (for he knew not that she was his daughter in law.) And she said, What wilt thou give me, that thou mayest come in unto me? ... And he gave it her, and came in unto her, and she conceived by him. ... And it came to pass about three months after, that it was told Judah, saying, Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt. Genesis 38:13-24
Turn your staff into a snake. (And vice versa.)
And the LORD said unto him, What is that in thine hand? And he said, A rod. Cast it on the ground. And he cast it on the ground, and it became a serpent; and Moses fled from before it. Put forth thine hand, and take it by the tail. And he put forth his hand, and caught it, and it became a rod in his hand. Exodus 4.2-4
Turn a river into blood.
Take thy rod, and stretch out thine hand upon the waters of Egypt, upon their streams, upon their rivers, and upon their ponds, and upon all their pools of water, that they may become blood ... And Moses and Aaron did so ... and all the waters that were in the river were turned to blood. Exodus 7:19-20
Sell your daughter as a slave. (And what to do if she fails to please her new owner.)
And if a man sell his daughter to be a maidservant ... If she please not her master.... Exodus 21:7-8
Take a second wife.
If he take him another wife.... Exodus 21:10
Kill your unruly children.
He that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death. ... he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death. Exodus 21:17, 19
For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. Leviticus 20:9
Slowly beat your slave to death.
If a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and ... he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money. Exodus 21:20-21
Sell a thief to pay for his theft.
If he have nothing, then he shall be sold for his theft. Exodus 22:3
Rape a woman and then marry her. (After paying her father the going rate for virgins.)
If a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife. If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins. Exodus 22:16-17
If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife. Deuteronomy 22:28-29
Kill a witch.
Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. Exodus 22:18
Sprinkle blood on people.
And Moses took the blood, and sprinkled it on the people. Exodus 24:8
See the sapphire stone under God's feet.
And they saw the God of Israel: and ... under his feet ... a sapphire stone. Exodus 24:10
Kill a Sabbath breaker.
Whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death. Exodus 31:15
Kill your family, friends, and neighbors.
Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side ... and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour. Exodus 32:27
See God's back parts.
I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen. Exodus 33:23
Kill an animal and sprinkle its blood seven times before the Lord.
Kill the bullock before the Lord and ... sprinkle of the blood seven times before the LORD. Leviticus 4:4-6
Smear blood on your right ear, thumb, and big toe.
Moses put of the blood upon the tip of their right ear, and upon the thumbs of their right hands, and upon the great toes of their right feet: and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about. Leviticus 8:24
Stay away from naked menstruating women.
Thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness. Leviticus 18:19
Don't have sex with animals. It's confusing.
Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion. Leviticus 18:23
Beat a slave-woman for having sex.
Whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged. Leviticus 19:20
Kill an adulterer and adulteress.
The adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. Leviticus 20:10
Kill any man who has sex with his father's wife (along with the father's wife).
The man that lieth with his father's wife ... both of them shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:11
Kill any man who has sex with his daughter-in-law (along with the daughter-in-law).
If a man lie with his daughter in law, both of them shall surely be put to death: they have wrought confusion; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:12
Kill a gay man (or two).
If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13
Burn to death a man who has sex with his wife and mother-in-law (along with the wife and mother-in-law).
If a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire. Leviticus 20:14
Burn to death any whore-like daughters of priests.
And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire. Leviticus 21:9
Stone to death a blasphemer.
He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him: as well the stranger, as he that is born in the land, when he blasphemeth the name of the Lord, shall be put to death. Leviticus 24:16
Buy some heathen neighbors (Canadians?) for slaves.
Of the heathen that are round about you; of them shall ye buy bondmen and bondmaids. Leviticus 25:44
Eat the flesh of your sons and daughters.
Ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29
And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters. Deuteronomy 28:53
Don't touch (or even look at) any holy things.
They shall not touch any holy thing, lest they die. ...
they shall not go in to see when the holy things are covered, lest they die. Numbers 4:15-20
Do this simple test to see if your wife has been unfaithful.
If any man's wife go aside, and commit a trespass against him ... And the spirit of jealousy come upon him, and she be defiled: or if the spirit of jealousy come upon him ... and she be not defiled.... Numbers 5:11-31
Kill any stranger that cometh nigh.
The stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death. Numbers 18:7
Drink dead people's blood.
Rise up as a great lion ... and drink the blood of the slain. Numbers 23:24
Hang all the heads of the people up before the Lord.
Take all the heads of the people, and hang them up before the LORD against the sun, that the fierce anger of the LORD may be turned away Numbers 25:4
Thrust a spear through the bellies of an inter-racial couple while they're having sex. (It will stop God from killing people.)
Phinehas ... thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel. Numbers 25:6-9
Kill all the males and non-virgin females, but keep the women children alive for yourselves.
Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Numbers 31:17-18
Kill your entire family if they believe the wrong things.
If thy brother ... or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods ... Thou shalt not consent unto him ... neither shall thine eye pity him ... But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. Deuteronomy 13:6-13
Have a conversation with your donkey.
And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times? And Balaam said unto the ass... Numbers 22:28-30
Circumcise the foreskin of your heart.
Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart. Deuteronomy 10:16
Rend your clothes. (Then fall on your face and put dust on your head.)
And Joshua rent his clothes, and fell to the earth upon his face before the ark of the LORD until the eventide, he and the elders of Israel, and put dust upon their heads. Joshua 7:6
Put your feet on the necks of kings. (Before killing them.)
Joshua called for all the men of Israel, and said unto the captains of the men of war which went with him, Come near, put your feet upon the necks of these kings. And they came near, and put their feet upon the necks of them. And Joshua said unto them, Fear not, nor be dismayed, be strong and of good courage: for thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies against whom ye fight. Joshua 10:24-25
Hang some dead bodies on trees until evening.
And afterward Joshua smote them, and slew them, and hanged them on five trees: and they were hanging upon the trees until the evening. Joshua 10:26
Deliver a message from God. (A knife blade thrust into a fat man's belly.)
And he brought the present unto Eglon king of Moab and Eglon was a very fat man. ... And Ehud said, I have a message from God unto thee ... And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly: And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out. Judges 3:17-22
Kill 600 Philistines with an ox goad.
Shamgar ... slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad. Judges 3:31
Pound a tent stake through a sleeping man's head.
Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died. Judges 4:21
Put God to the test.
Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said. Judges 6:36-40
Offer your virgin daughter as a burnt sacrifice to God.
The Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah, and he ... vowed a vow unto the Lord, and said, If thou shalt ... deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then ... whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return ... shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering ... The LORD delivered them into his hands ... And he smote them ... even twenty cities ... with a very great slaughter ... His daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances ... Her father ... did with her according to his vow which he had vowed. Judges 11:29-39
Take the shibboleth test.
Then said they unto him, Say now Shibboleth: and he said Sibboleth: for he could not frame to pronounce it right. Then they took him, and slew him at the passages of Jordan: and there fell at that time of the Ephraimites forty and two thousand. Judges 12:6
Kill 30 men for their clothes.
And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men ... and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle.Judges 14:19
Get 300 foxes, tie their tails together, and light them on fire.
Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, and took firebrands, and turned tail to tail, and put a firebrand in the midst between two tails. And when he had set the brands on fire, he let them go Judges 15:4-8
Kill 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.
The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him ... And he found a new jawbone of an ass and slew a thousand men therewith. Judges 15:14-15
Kill 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack.
Now the house was full of ... about three thousand men and women ... And Samson called unto the LORD, and said, O Lord God .. strengthen me ... that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes ... and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life. Judges 16:27-30
Send a concubine body part message.
And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel. Judges 19:29
Kill everyone in town except the virgin females. (Then give the virgins to the men that survived your previous genocide.)
What one is there of the tribes of Israel that came not up to Mizpeh to the LORD? And, behold, there came none to the camp from Jabeshgilead ... Destroy every male, and every woman that hath lain by man ... They found among the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead four hundred young virgins ... and they gave them [the Benjamites] wives. Judges 21:8-14
Steal 200 dancing virgins.
Then the elders of the congregation said, How shall we do for wives for them that remain, seeing the women are destroyed out of Benjamin? ... We may not give them wives of our daughters: for the children of Israel have sworn, saying, Cursed be he that giveth a wife to Benjamin ... If the daughters of Shiloh come out to dance in dances, then come ye out of the vineyards, and catch you every man his wife of the daughters of Shiloh ... And the children of Benjamin did so, and took them wives, according to their number, of them that danced, whom they caught. Judges 21:16-23
Ask God to smite your enemies with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.
The hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. 1 Samuel 5:9
Offer God five golden hemorrhoids (to get him to stop putting hemorrhoids in your secret parts).
What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice. 1 Samuel 6:4-5
Chop up an ox and send the body parts as messages.
And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel. 1 Samuel 11:6-7
Buy a wife with 200 foreskins.
And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines ... And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well ... Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. 1 Samuel 18:25-27
Get naked and prophesy.
And he stripped off his clothes also, and prophesied ... and lay down naked all that day and all that night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets? 1 Samuel 19:24
Sneak in the bathroom and cut off a man's shirt while he's peeing. (Without getting noticed.)
Saul went in to cover his feet ... Then David arose, and cut off the skirt of Saul's robe privily. 1 Samuel 24:3-4
Have a witch bring a dead person back to life.
Divine unto me by the familiar spirit, and bring me him up ... ... hen said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel ... An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle. And Saul perceived that it was Samuel ... And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up? 1 Samuel 28:8-15
Dance naked in front of God and everybody.
And David danced before the LORD with all his might; and David was girded with a linen ephod ... Michal ... said, How glorious was the king of Israel to day, who uncovered himself to day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovereth himself! 2 Samuel 6:14-20
Have public sex with your father's concubines.
Go in unto thy father's concubines, which he hath left to keep the house ... So they spread Absalom a tent upon the top of the house; and Absalom went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel. 2 Samuel 16:21-22
Take a God (or Satan)-inspired census. (And don't complain when God kills a couple hundred thousand people to punish you for it.)
And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah.
...
Thus saith the LORD, I offer thee three things; choose thee one of them, that I may do it unto thee. Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? or that there be three days' pestilence in thy land? ... So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel from the morning even to the time appointed: and there died of the people from Dan even to Beersheba seventy thousand men. 2 Samuel 24:1-15
Find a hot young virgin to get you some heat.
Now king David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat. Wherefore his servants said unto him, Let there be sought for my lord the king a young virgin: and let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him, and let her lie in thy bosom, that my lord the king may get heat. So they sought for a fair damsel throughout all the coasts of Israel, and found Abishag a Shunammite, and brought her to the king. And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him. 1 Kings 1:1-4
Ask your son to murder some of your enemies for you.
Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying ... Thou knowest ... what Joab ... did to me ... let not his hoar head go down to the grave in peace ... Shimei ... cursed me with a grievous curse ... Now therefore hold him not guiltless: for thou art a wise man, and knowest what thou oughtest to do unto him; but his hoar head bring thou down to the grave with blood. 1 Kings 2:1-9
Invite a prophet to dinner. Tell him God wants him to come. Then after he eats dinner with you, God will send a lion to kill him.
Now there dwelt an old prophet in Bethel ... And went after the man of God, and found him ... Then he said unto him, Come home with me, and eat bread ... So he went back with him, and did eat bread in his house, and drank water ... And it came to pass, after he had eaten bread, and after he had drunk, that ... a lion met him by the way, and slew him. 1 Kings 13:11-24
Cut off anyone that pisses against a wall.
Behold, I will ... cut off ... him that pisseth against the wall. 1 Kings 14:10
Have an old-fashioned prayer contest. (And kill all the losers.)
Elijah came unto all the people, and said, How long halt ye between two opinions? if the LORD be God, follow him: but if Baal, then follow him ... Then said Elijah unto the people, I, even I only, remain a prophet of the LORD; but Baal's prophets are four hundred and fifty men ... Give us two bullocks; and let them choose one bullock for themselves, and cut it in pieces, and lay it on wood, and put no fire under: and I will dress the other bullock, and lay it on wood, and put no fire under. And call ye on the name of your gods, and I will call on the name of the LORD: and the God that answereth by fire, let him be God ... And they took the bullock which was given them, and they dressed it, and called on the name of Baal from morning even until noon, saying, O Baal, hear us. But there was no voice, nor any that answered. And they leaped upon the altar which was made. And it came to pass at noon, that Elijah mocked them, and said, Cry aloud: for he is a god; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, or peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked. And they cried aloud, and cut themselves after their manner with knives and lancets, till the blood gushed out upon them ... And Elijah ... built an altar ... And he said ... Hear me, O LORD, hear me, that this people may know that thou art the LORD ... Then the fire of the LORD fell, and consumed the burnt sacrifice, and the wood, and the stones, and the dust, and licked up the water that was in the trench. And when all the people saw it, they fell on their faces: and they said, The LORD, he is the God; the LORD, he is the God. And Elijah said unto them, Take the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape. And they took them: and Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon, and slew them there. 1 Kings 18:19-40
Gird up your loins.
And the hand of the LORD was on Elijah; and he girded up his loins. 1 Kings 18:46
Ask your neighbor to smite you. If he refuses, God will send a lion to eat him.
A certain man of the sons of the prophets said unto his neighbour in the word of the LORD, Smite me, I pray thee. And the man refused to smite him. Then said he unto him, Because thou hast not obeyed the voice of the LORD, behold, as soon as thou art departed from me, a lion shall slay thee. And as soon as he was departed from him, a lion found him, and slew him. 1 Kings 20:35-36
Prove you're a man of God by burning people to death.
Elijah answered and said to the captain of fifty, If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty. And there came down fire from heaven, and consumed him and his fifty. 2 Kings 1:10
Curse any little children that make fun of you for whatever reason. (God will send bears to rip them to pieces.)
As he [Elisha] was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2 Kings 2:23-24
Give someone leprosy (along with all of his or her descendants forever).
And he [Elisha] said unto him ... Leprosy ... shall cleave unto thee, and unto thy seed for ever. And he went out from his presence a leper as white as snow. 2 Kings 5:26-27
Make someone blind.
Elisha prayed unto the LORD, and said, Smite this people, I pray thee, with blindness. And he smote them with blindness according to the word of Elisha.2 Kings 6:18
And now, behold, the hand of the Lord is upon thee, and thou shalt be blind, not seeing the sun for a season. And immediately there fell on him a mist and a darkness; and he went about seeking some to lead him by the hand. Acts 13:11
Ask for 70 sons to be killed, with their heads delivered in two baskets.
He [Jehu] wrote a letter the second time to them, saying ... take ye the heads of the men your master's sons, and come to me to Jezreel by to morrow this time ... They took the king's sons, and slew seventy persons, and put their heads in baskets ... They have brought the heads of the king's sons. And he said, Lay ye them in two heaps at the entering in of the gate until the morning. 2 Kings 10:6-10
Show your zeal for the Lord by murdering the family of a former king.
Come with me, and see my zeal for the LORD ... And when he came to Samaria, he slew all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him, according to the saying of the LORD, which he spake to Elijah. 2 Kings 10:16-17
Ask God to send lions to eat people that don't fear him enough.
They feared not the LORD: thereforethe LORD sent lions among them, which slew some of them. 2 Kings 17:25-26
Wax mighty by marrying 14 wives.
Abijah waxed mighty, and married fourteen wives. 2 Chronicles 13.21
Kill anyone who refuses to seek the Lord, whether man or woman, young or old.
Whosoever would not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman ... and the LORD gave them rest round about. 2 Chronicles 15:13-15
Ask God to make someone's bowels fall out.
The LORD smote him in his bowels with an incurable disease. And ... after the end of two years, his bowels fell. 2 Chronicles 21:18-19
Throw 10,000 people off a cliff.
Amaziah ... did that which was right in the sight of the LORD. ... Ten thousand ... [he] brought ... unto the top of the rock, and cast them down from the top of the rock, that they all were broken in pieces. 2 Chronicles 24:1-12
If you hear about any mingling of holy seed, pluck off your hair and beard, and sit down astonished. Or curse them and pluck off their hair. Your choice.
For they have taken of their daughters for themselves, and for their sons: so that the holy seed have mingled themselves with the people of those lands ... And when I heard this thing, I rent my garment and my mantle, and plucked off the hair of my head and of my beard, and sat down astonished. Ezra 9:2-3
And I contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair, and made them swear by God, saying, Ye shall not give your daughters unto their sons, nor take their daughters unto your sons, or for yourselves. Nehemiah 13:225
Abandon any strange wives or children that you may have.
We have trespassed against our God, and have taken strange wives of the people of the land: Now therefore let us make a covenant with our God to put away all the wives, and such as are born of them ... Ezra the priest stood up, and said unto them, Ye have transgressed, and have taken strange wives ... Now therefore ... separate yourselves ... from the strange wives ... Then all the congregation answered and said with a loud voice, As thou hast said, so must we do. Ezra 10:2-3, 10-12
Wash your feet in the blood of the wicked.
The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked. Psalm 58:10
Hate God-haters with a perfect hatred.
Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? ... I hate them with perfect hatred. Psalm 139:21-22
Pray that God will burn people to death.
Let burning coals fall upon them: let them be cast into the fire; into deep pits, that they rise not up again. Psalm 140:102
Beat the hell out of your children.
He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. Proverbs 13:24
Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. Proverbs 19:18
Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. Proverbs 22:15
Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. Proverbs 23:13-14
Cast your bread upon the waters.
Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days. Ecclesiastes 11:1
Make your bowels sound like a harp.
My bowels shall sound like an harp. Isaiah 16:11
Walk around naked and barefoot all year as a sign and a wonder.
At the same time spake the LORD by Isaiah ... saying, Go and loose the sackcloth from off thy loins, and put off thy shoe from thy foot. And he did so, walking naked and barefoot. And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder.Isaiah 20:2-3
Suck the breasts of kings.
Thou shalt also suck the milk of the Gentiles, and shalt suck the breast of kings. Isaiah 60:16
See God's loins (the glory of the Lord) and fall on your face.
And I saw ... the appearance of his loins.... This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. And when I saw it, I fell upon my face. Ezekiel 1:27-28
Fill your bowels with a roll.
And he said unto me, Son of man, cause thy belly to eat, and fill thy bowels with this roll that I give thee. Then did I eat it; and it was in my mouth as honey for sweetness.Ezekiel 3:3
Lie on your left side for 390 days and then on your right for 40 days.
Lie thou also upon thy left side ... for ... three hundred and ninety days ... And when thou hast accomplished them, lie again on thy right side ... forty days. Ezekiel 4:4-6
Bake some Ezekiel 4:12 bread.
(It has a secret ingredient left out of Ezekiel 4:9 bread!)
Take thou also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentiles, and millet, and fitches, and put them in one vessel, and make thee bread thereof ... And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man. Ezekiel 4:9-12
Shave your head and beard, divide the cut hair into thirds, burn one portion, smite the second about with a knife, and scatter the third in the wind.
And thou, son of man, take thee a sharp knife, take thee a barber's razor, and cause it to pass upon thine head and upon thy beard: then take thee balances to weigh, and divide the hair. Thou shalt burn with fire a third part in the midst of the city, when the days of the siege are fulfilled: and thou shalt take a third part, and smite about it with a knife: and a third part thou shalt scatter in the wind; and I will draw out a sword after them. Ezekiel 5:1-2
Don't go near any menstruating women.
If a man be just, and ... neither hath come near to a menstruous woman. Ezekiel 18.5-6
Pluck off your own breasts.
Thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD. Ezekiel 23:34
Don't bring any strangers or people with uncircumcised hearts or flesh to God's sanctuary when your offering him fat and blood.
Ye have brought into my sanctuary strangers, uncircumcised in heart, and uncircumcised in flesh ... to pollute it ... when ye offer ... the fat and the blood. Ezekiel 44:7-9
Offer unto me the fat and the blood, saith the Lord. Ezekiel 44:15
Put a linen bonnet on your head and linen breeches on your loins, but don't wear wool or anything that causes you to sweat. (God hates wool and sweat.)
No wool shall come upon them. They shall have linen bonnets upon their heads, and shall have linen breeches upon their loins; they shall not gird themselves with any thing that causeth sweat. Ezekiel 44:17-18
Take a wife of whoredoms and have children of whoredoms.
The LORD said to Hosea, Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms. Hosea 1:2
Love an adulteress.
The LORD unto me, Go yet, love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress. Hosea 3:1
Buy a wife with 15 pieces of silver and one and a half homers or barley.
So I bought her to me for fifteen pieces of silver, and for an homer of barley, and an half homer of barley. Hosea 3:2
Wail and howl, go stripped and naked; wail like a dragon, mourn like an owl.
I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons, and mourning as the owls.
Micah 1:8
Take off all your clothes and roll in the dust.
Roll thyself in the dust ... having thy shame naked.
Micah 1:10-11
Beware of lying prophets that bite (with their teeth).
Thus saith the LORD concerning the prophets that make my people err, that bite with their teeth....
Micah 3:5
Don't trust a friend, have confidence in a guide, or talk to your wife.
Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide: keep the doors of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom. Micah 7:5
Get drunk and uncover your foreskin.
Drink thou also and let thy foreskin be uncovered. Habakkuk 2:16
Hide from God and hope he doesn't find you.
Before the fierce anger of the LORD come upon you, before the day of the LORD's anger come upon you ... it may be ye shall be hid in the day of the LORD's anger. Zephaniah 2:2-3
Don't let the holy flesh in your skirt touch any bread or wine.
If one bear holy flesh in the skirt of his garment, and with his skirt do touch bread, or pottage, or wine, or oil, or any meat, shall it be holy? Haggai 2:9
Spread dung on people's faces.
Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces. Malachi 2:3
Pluck out an eye, cut off a hand, foot, or other body part.
Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out ... And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Matthew 5:28-30
If thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire. Matthew 18:8-9
And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off ... And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off ... And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire: Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9:43-48
Tell devils and unclean spirits what to do.
He gave them power against unclean spirits. Matthew 10:1
Then he called his twelve disciples together, and gave them power and authority over all devils. Luke 9:1
Cast out devils, speak in tongues, handle snakes, drink poison, do some faith-healing.
Jesus sent forth, and commanded them, saying ... cast out devils. Matthew 10:5-8
And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover. Mark 16:17-18
Join the Tea Party. (Steal from the poor to give to the rich.)
Whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. Matthew 13:12, Mark 4:25
Unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. Matthew 25:29
Cast a mountain or sycamore tree into the sea.
Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. Matthew 17:20
That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith. Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them. Mark 11:23-24
If ye have faith, and doubt not ... if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. Matthew 21:21-22
If ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye might say unto this sycamine tree, Be thou plucked up by the root, and be thou planted in the sea; and it should obey you. Luke 17:6
Become a eunuch for heaven's sake.
There are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it. Matthew 19:12
Abandon your wife and family for Jesus.
Every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. Matthew 19:29
Curse a fig tree.
When he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away. Matthew 21:19
And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if haply he might find any thing thereon: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it, No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever. Mark 11:13-14
Stick your fingers in people's ears, spit in their eyes, and touch their tongues.
And he ... put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue. Mark 7:33
He took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his hands upon him, he asked him if he saw ought. Mark 8:23
He spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay. John 9:6
Do some impossible things.
All things are possible to him that believeth. Mark 9:23
Walk on snakes and scorpions.
Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you. Luke 10:19
Hate your family.
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26
Make water flow out of your belly.
He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water. John 7:38
Hate your life.
He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal. John 12:25
Eat Jesus' flesh and drink his blood.
Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life ... For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me, and I in him ... He that eateth me, even he shall live by me. John 6:53-57
Kill anyone that doesn't obey Jesus.
For Moses truly said unto the fathers, A prophet shall the Lord your God raise up unto you of your brethren, like unto me; him shall ye hear in all things whatsoever he shall say unto you. And it shall come to pass, that every soul, which will not hear that prophet, shall be destroyed from among the people. Acts 3:22-23
Give all your possessions to the church. (Or God will kill you.)
Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession, And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet. But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land? Why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God. And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost ... And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in. And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much. Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost. Acts 5:1-10
Kill some animals and eat them.
He [Peter] fell into a trance, And saw heaven opened, and a certain vessel descending upon him, as it had been a great sheet knit at the four corners, and let down to the earth: Wherein were all manner of fourfooted beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls of the air. And there came a voice to him, Rise, Peter; kill, and eat. Acts 10:10-13
In a trance I [Peter] saw a vision, A certain vessel descend, as it had been a great sheet, let down from heaven by four corners; and it came even to me: Upon the which when I had fastened mine eyes, I considered, and saw fourfooted beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls of the air. And I heard a voice saying unto me, Arise, Peter; slay and eat. Acts 11:5-7
Believe in magic handkerchiefs.
So that from his body were brought unto the sick handkerchiefs or aprons, and the diseases departed from them, and the evil spirits went out of them. Acts 19:12
Burn some books.
Many of them also which used curious arts brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. Acts 19:19
Obey Obama. (Or go to hell.)
There is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God. Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation. Romans 13:1-2
Eat everything, especially meat.
(Don't be a wimpy latter-day vegetarian.)
For one believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs. Romans 14:2
Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils ... commanding to abstain from meats. 1 Timothy 4:1-3
Be persuaded in your own mind.
Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind. Romans 14:5
Shun those that believe differently than you.
Mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them. Romans 16:17-18
Try to know nothing (except for Jesus).
I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified. 1 Corinthians 2:2
If you're single, don't get married.
Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. 1 Corinthians 7:7
If you're married, don't have sex.
(Jesus is coming; there's no time for it.)
The time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none. 1 Corinthians 7:7
Shave the head of any women that you catch praying with an uncovered head.
Every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven. For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn. 1 Corinthians 11:5-6
If you're ignorant, stay ignorant.
If any man be ignorant, let him be ignorant. 1 Corinthians 14:38
Smell good to God.
We are unto God a sweet savour. 2 Corinthians 2:15
Don't look where you're going.
Walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
Greet everyone with a holy kiss.
Greet one another with an holy kiss. 2 Corinthians 13:12
Don't exercise.
Bodily exercise profiteth little. 1 Timothy 4:8
Stop drinking water. Drink wine instead.
Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake. 1 Timothy 5:23
Refresh your bowels in the Lord.
Refresh my bowels in the Lord. Philemon 1:20
Buy gold, white clothes, and eye salve.
"Buy ... gold ... white raiment ... and eyesalve." Revelation 3:18
Now that is advice you won't find in any other "self help" book!
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/07/2012 06:08:00 PM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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03 September 2012Jacob 1-2: Polygamy, riches, and the Lord's delight in chaste women
Nephi was getting old and was about to die, so he had to find someone to take over his plate-writing duties.
He chose his little brother Jacob.
For behold, it came to pass that fifty and five years had passed away from the time that Lehi left Jerusalem; wherefore, Nephi gave me, Jacob, a commandment concerning the small plates ... that I should write upon these plates a few of the things which I consider to be most precious ... for Christ's sake. Jacob 1:1-4
You remember Jacob, don't you?
He's the guy that "spoke about exceedingly many things" back in 2 Nephi 6-10, including wicked Jews, blessed Gentiles, and a completely Mormon America.
Now he's going to tell us about the somewhat wicked and abominable practices of Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, and Mitt Romney's great grandfather.
It came to pass that the people of Nephi ... began to ... indulge themselves somewhat in wicked practices, such as like unto David of old desiring many wives and concubines. Jacob 1:15
David and Solomon truly had many wives and concubines, which thing was abominable before me, saith the Lord. 2:24
There shall not any man among you have save it be one wife; and concubines he shall have none. 2:27
Then a little financial advice.
After ye have obtained a hope in Christ ye shall obtain riches. Jacob 1:19a
That's right. Hope in Christ and you'll get rich. (That's how Romney did it at Bain Capital.)
But after you're rich you must use your wealth to help the poor, the sick, the hungry, and the afflicted. (Romney forgot about this part of the deal.)
Seek them for the intent to do good -- to clothe the naked, and to feed the hungry, and to liberate the captive, and administer relief to the sick and the afflicted. Jacob 1:19b
Finally we learn that the Lord delights in chaste women.
I, the Lord God, delight in the chastity of women. Jacob 2:28
I suppose it's good to know that.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/03/2012 09:38:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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30 October 2012Biblical Halloween Costumes: It's time to take it back from the pagans!
Here are some costume ideas from the Bible. (Re-post for Halloween.)
God's Clever Talking Serpent
Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said ....Genesis 3:1-5
Lot and his daughters
Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him ... Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. Genesis 19:30-38
This is pretty simple. And old guy, two young women, and a jug of wine (Clothing optional).
An abominable, four-legged, flying creeping thing.
But all other flying creeping things, which have four feet, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:23
Fiery Serpent
And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. Numbers 21:6
Talking Donkey
And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam .... Numbers 22:28-30
An Evil Spirit from the Lord. (Judges 9:23; 1 Samuel 16:14-16, 16:23, 18:10, 19:9)
The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied. 18:10
All evil spirits come from God, but I don't know what they look like. Maybe something like this.
Jael
And Jael went out to meet Sisera, and said unto him, Turn in, my lord, turn in to me; fear not. ... And she opened a bottle of milk, and gave him drink, and covered him. ... Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground. Judges 4:18-21
Costume: Woman with hammer, tent stake, blanket, and cup of milk.
Samson with the jawbone of an ass
(Just try to keep the spirit of the Lord from coming upon you!)
The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon Samson and he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and took it, and slew 1000 men therewith. Judges 15:14-15
Jesus
Forget all the stuff you've seen on TV. Jesus doesn't look like that anymore. To see what he looks like now you need to go to the Book of Revelation.
...the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle. His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire; His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire; And his feet like unto fine brass, ... And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword. Revelation 1:13-16
Costume: Long white robe, golden girdle, white face and hair, red eyes, brass feet, seven stars in hand, sword sticking out of mouth.
And here's what he will look like when he gets into his planned mass killings at the end of the world.
Behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God. ... And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations. Revelation 19:11-15
Costume: a bunch of crowns on your head, sword sticking out of your mouth, clothing dipped in blood
There is one other possible Jesus costume, but it may be illegal in some places. You see Jesus had a special tattoo on his thigh (which is a biblical euphemism for testicles): "King of Kings" one on side and "Lord of Lord" on the other.
And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. Revelation 19:15
Costume: Tattooed thigh or scrotum
Anything from the Book of Revelation
(Just pick a verse pretty much anywhere, but the Whore of Babylon is always fun!)
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/30/2012 01:00:00 PM 11 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Barrett Foa Does His Best Romney — Set To I Believe From Book Of Mormon!
And here, in case you haven't seen it, is the original from the Book of Mormon Musical.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/30/2012 10:23:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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29 October 2012God helps Judas Machabeus destroy the wicked
After Matthathias died, his son, Judas Machabeus, replaced him as the leader of the Jewish terrorists His first act was to burn "them that troubled his people" (with fire).
His [Mathathias'] son Judas, called Machabeus, rose up in his stead. 1 Machabees 3:1
And all his brethren helped him, and all they that had joined themselves to his father, and they fought with cheerfulness the battle of Israel. 2
He was like a lion, and like a lion's whelp roaring for his prey. 4
He pursued the wicked ... and them that troubled his people he burnt with fire. 5
Judah went through the cities of Judah, destroying the wicked, and making himself famous all over the world.
He went through the cities of Juda, and destroyed the wicked out of them ... And he was renowned even to the utmost part of the earth. 1 Machabees 3:8-9
He killed Apollonius and many of his soldiers, and he took the sword of Apollonius and fought with it for rest of his life.
Apollonius gathered together the Gentiles, and a numerous and great army from Samaria, to make war against Israel. 1 Machabees 3:10
Judas ... went forth to meet him: and he overthrew him, and killed him: and many fell down slain. 11
And he took their spoils, and Judas took the sword of Apollonius, and fought with it all his lifetime. 12
Seron, the captain of the Syrian army, heard about Judas (as had everyone on earth). He collected a large army of wicked men to fight Judas. When Judas' smaller army saw the Syrians, they were frightened. But Judas told them not to worry. Because success in war depends not on numbers, but on God. "The Lord himself will overthrow them."
Seron captain of the army of Syria heard that Judas had assembled a company of the faithful. 1 Machabees 3:13
He made himself ready: and the host of the wicked went up with him. 15
And Judas went forth to meet him, with a small company. 16
When they saw the army coming to meet them, they said to Judas: How shall we, being few, be able to fight against so great a multitude and so strong? 17
Judas said: It is an easy matter for many to be shut up in the hands of a few: and there is no difference in the sight of the God of heaven to deliver with a great multitude, or with a small company. 18
For the success of war is not in the multitude of the army, but strength cometh from heaven. 19
The Lord himself will overthrow them. 22
Immediately after his speech to his soldiers, Judas attacked Seron's army, killing 800 men.
As soon as he had made an end of speaking, he rushed suddenly upon them: and Seron and his host were overthrown before him ... and there fell of them eight hundred men. 1 Machabees 3:23-24
Which made Judas even more famous and feared.
The fear of Judas and of his brethren, and the dread of them fell upon all the nations round about them. 1 Machabees 3:25
His fame came to the king, and all nations told of the battles of Judas. 26
And Judas was just getting started.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OK, so how many have God and Judas killed so far? Here are some estimates.
100 wicked troublemakers burned to death (1 Machabees 3:5)
3000 wicked destroyed from cities of Judah (3:8-9)
Apollonius and 1000 of his men (3:10-12)
Seron and 800 of the host of the wicked (3:13-24)
Total: 4900
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The same story (more or less) is told in 2 Machabees 8:5-6.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/29/2012 02:51:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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28 October 2012Jarom writes a few words about the Lamanites (who love murder and drink the blood of beasts)
The fifteen-verse Book of Jarom was, as you might expect, written by Jarom, who was the son of Enos, who was the son of Jacob, who was the son of Lehi, who was a descendant of Joseph, who was the son of Jacob (aka "Israel" in the Bible). The purpose of Jarom's little book is to tell you about that.
Now behold, I, Jarom, write a few words according to the commandment of my father, Enos, that our genealogy may be kept. Jarom 1
Or at least that's what the first verse says.
But by the second verse, Jarom does a complete Romney, changing his mind. He's engraved his words on plates for the benefit of the Lamanites.
And as these plates are small, and as these things are written for the intent of the benefit of our brethren the Lamanites... 2a
Which was really nice of him.
He's not going to tell us about his prophesying or his revelations, though. Which was also nice of him. (If you've read any of the previous books of the Book of Mormon, you've heard it all many times over. Jesus will be born centuries in the future and everyone must believe in him--even before he exists--or go to hell.)
...wherefore, it must needs be that I write a little; but I shall not write the things of my prophesying, nor of my revelations. For what could I write more than my fathers have written? For have not they revealed the plan of salvation? I say unto you, Yea; and this sufficeth me. 2b
Jarom says that much needs to be done among his people, because of the hardness of their hearts, the deafness of their ears, the blindness of their minds, the stiffness of their necks, and the fullness of their bladders. But so far, at least, God has been exceedingly merciful to them by not killing them all.
Behold, it is expedient that much should be done among this people, because of the hardness of their hearts, and the deafness of their ears, and the blindness of their minds, and the stiffness of their necks; nevertheless, God is exceedingly merciful unto them, and has not as yet swept them off from the face of the land. 3
And yet not all Nephites were hard, deaf, blind, stiff, and full. There were many that received revelations and had communion with the Holy Spirit -- five or so centuries before the Holy Spirit was supposedly given to Christians at Pentecost.
And there are many among us who have many revelations, for they are not all stiffnecked. And as many as are not stiffnecked and have faith, have communion with the Holy Spirit, which maketh manifest unto the children of men, according to their faith. 4
I'm not sure what Jarom meant in verse 3, though. Because now, in verse 5, he says the Nephites are perfect, observing the sabbath, avoiding blasphemy, and obeying exceedingly strict laws.
And now, behold, two hundred years had passed away, and the people of Nephi had waxed strong in the land. They observed to keep the law of Moses and the sabbath day holy unto the Lord. And they profaned not; neither did they blaspheme. And the laws of the land were exceedingly strict. 5
Next Jarom tells us about the Lamanites (indigenous Americans) -- they loved murder and drank the blood of beasts.
And they were scattered upon much of the face of the land, and the Lamanites also. And they were exceedingly more numerous than were they of the Nephites; and they loved murder and would drink the blood of beasts. 6
"The Lamanites ... loved murder and would drink the blood of beasts." Jarom 6
But the Nephites were ready for them. Their kings and leaders were mighty men with faith in Jesus. And they fortified their cities (cities that left no evidence of their existence).
And it came to pass that they came many times against us, the Nephites, to battle. But our kings and our leaders were mighty men in the faith of the Lord; and they taught the people the ways of the Lord; wherefore, we withstood the Lamanites and swept them away out of our lands, and began to fortify our cities, or whatsoever place of our inheritance. 7
And the Nephites, like the good proto-Mormons that they were, multiplied exceedingly.
And we multiplied exceedingly, and spread upon the face of the land. 8a
And became exceedingly rich, building up their military Romney style.
and became exceedingly rich in gold, and in silver, and in precious things, and in fine workmanship of wood, in buildings, and in machinery, and also in iron and copper, and brass and steel, making all manner of tools of every kind to till the ground, and weapons of war -- yea, the sharp pointed arrow, and the quiver, and the dart, and the javelin, and all preparations for war. 8b
But the Nephites were bad once again and needed to be threatened by the prophets. Pre-believe in Jesus or be destroyed.
And it came to pass that the prophets of the Lord did threaten the people of Nephi, according to the word of God, that if they did not keep the commandments, but should fall into transgression, they should be destroyed from off the face of the land. 10
Wherefore, the prophets, and the priests, and the teachers, did labor diligently, exhorting with all long-suffering the people to diligence; teaching the law of Moses, and the intent for which it was given; persuading them to look forward unto the Messiah, and believe in him to come as though he already was. And after this manner did they teach them. 11
And it came to pass that the Nephites made the right choice. They pricked their hearts with the word that had yet to be written, continually stirring up a bit of repentance.
And it came to pass that by so doing they kept them from being destroyed upon the face of the land; for they did prick their hearts with the word, continually stirring them up unto repentance. 12
And it came to pass again after 238 years of all manner of wars and such like for the space of much time.
And it came to pass that two hundred and thirty and eight years had passed away -- after the manner of wars, and contentions, and dissensions, for the space of much of the time. 13
With that said, Jarom wrote no more, for the plates were small. (But be sure to check out the plates of Nephi at your local library. where you can read the writings of kings, or those which they caused be written or whatnot.)
And I, Jarom, do not write more, for the plates are small. But behold, my brethren, ye can go to the other plates of Nephi; for behold, upon them the records of our wars are engraven, according to the writings of the kings, or those which they caused to be written. 14
So Jarom delivered his plates to his son Omni, who will be writing the next exciting book in the Book of Mormon: The Book of Omni.
And I deliver these plates into the hands of my son Omni, that they may be kept according to the commandments of my fathers. 15
See you then.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/28/2012 06:52:00 AM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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27 October 2012Mathathias and his friends slay the wicked sinners, circumcise the the uncircumcised, and yield not the horn to the sinner
The first killing from First Machabees was a terrorist attack, in which Mathathias murdered a Jew who was offering a sacrifice to an idol, along with an officer of the king who happened to be in the area at the time. The author of First Machabees praised Mathathias for the attack, comparing it to Phineas' double murder in Numbers 25.
After the attack at the altar, Mathathias and his friends "gathered an army and slew the sinners in their wrath and the wicked men in their indignation."
Mathathias and his friends ... gathered an army, and slew the sinners in their wrath, and the wicked men in their indignation. 1 Machabees 2:44
(The text doesn't say who the wicked sinners were, but I suppose any Gentile or Jew who wasn't Jewish enough would do.)
Next Mathathias' mob threw down altars.
And Mathathias and his friends went round about, and they threw down the altars. 2:45
And valiantly circumcised all the uncircumcised children they could find.
And they circumcised all the children whom they found in the confines of Israel that were uncircumcised: and they did valiantly. 2:46
(According to the story in 1 Machabees, Antiochus had made circumcision illegal, so there were lots of uncircumcised boys running around. Mathathias and his merry men inspected every little penis in Israel to make sure it was properly circumcised, and if not, they cut off the offending foreskin themselves.)
So by slaying the wicked sinners and cutting off foreskins, Mathathias and his mob of terrorist "yielded not the horn to the sinner."
They yielded not the horn to the sinner. 2:48
And that's the important thing. Never yield the horn to the sinner.
(The text doesn't say how many wicked sinners were killed by Mathathias' army, so I'll just add another 100 to God's total.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/27/2012 09:59:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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26 October 2012You've done an awesome job, Enos!
Guess what words the Book of Enos starts with.
I'll give you a hint. It's he same phrase that the previous two books of the Book of Mormon (2 Nephi and Jacob) started with, and it is used (by my count anyway) 1424 times in the Book of Mormon.
That's right. It came to pass.
Behold, it came to pass that I, Enos, knowing my father that he was a just man -- for he taught me in his language. Enos 1
So now we know that the little book of Enos was written by Enos ("I, Enos") in the language of his father, Jacob.
As I'm sure you'll recall, at the end of the last book (the Book of Jacob) Jacob ("I, Jacob") "began to be old" and gave his plates to his son Enos, before bidding us all "adieu."
And it came to pass that I, Jacob, began to be old. ... And I, Jacob, saw that I must soon go down to my grave; wherefore, I said unto my son Enos: Take these plates. ... And I make an end of my writing upon these plates, which writing has been small; and to the reader I bid farewell, hoping that many of my brethren may read my words. Brethren, adieu. Jacob 7:26-27
Now you might get the impression from Jacob's use of the word "adieu" that Jacob spoke French, but he didn't. He spoke good, old-fashioned Reformed Egyptian like all other native Americans in 500 BCE. He just threw in the word "adieu" (which originated in late 14th century Europe) to impress you.
But back to the story (translated by Joseph Smith into 17th century English from the Reformed Egyptian).
One day Enos went out to hunt beasts in the forest when a voice in his head started talking to him.
Behold, I went to hunt beasts in the forests .. And there came a voice unto me, saying: Enos.... Enos 1-5
Enos has a long conversation with the voice in his head that he believes to be God. The voice tells him that he is forgiven through his faith in Jesus. And that whatever he asks "in the name of Christ," he will receive (as a reward for believing in someone who wouldn't exist for another 500 years). God also "covenanted" with Enos, saying he'd preserve his plates with the Lamanites.
And I said: Lord, how is it done? And he said unto me: Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou hast never before heard nor seen. And many years pass away before he shall manifest himself in the flesh. Enos 5-8
Behold, the voice of the Lord came into my mind again, saying: I will visit thy brethren according to their diligence in keeping my commandments. I have given unto them this land, and it is a holy land; and I curse it not save it be for the cause of iniquity; wherefore, I will visit thy brethren according as I have said; and their transgressions will I bring down with sorrow upon their own heads. 10
The Lord said unto me: I will grant unto thee according to thy desires, because of thy faith. 12
The Lord God ... said unto me: Whatsoever thing ye shall ask in faith, believing that ye shall receive in the name of Christ, ye shall receive it. 15
I did cry unto God that he would preserve the records; and he covenanted with me that he would bring them forth unto the Lamanites in his own due time. 16
And the Lord said unto me: Thy fathers have also required of me this thing; and it shall be done unto them according to their faith; for their faith was like unto thine. 18
After the voice in his head quieted down, Enos went prophesying to the Nephites about the evil, wild, ferocious, bloodthirsty, and filthy Lamanites (Native Americans).
And now it came to pass that I, Enos, went about among the people of Nephi, prophesying. 19
And I bear record that ... the Lamanites ... were led by their evil nature that they became wild, and ferocious, and a bloodthirsty people, full of idolatry and filthiness; feeding upon beasts of prey; dwelling in tents, and wandering about in the wilderness with a short skin girdle about their loins and their heads shaven. 20a
Enos tells us a remarkable fact about the Lamanites. They were especially skilled in using the cimeter. [A Cimeter (or scimitar) is a curved sword with the sharp edge on the convex side. This type of sword did not exist at the time Enos was supposedly written (ca. 500 BCE). Indeed there is no evidence that swords of any kind existed in pre-Columbian America.] And that they only ate raw meat.
Their skill was in the bow, and in the cimeter, and the ax. And many of them did eat nothing save it was raw meat; and they were continually seeking to destroy us. 20b
The Nephites, on the other hand, were civilized people. They cooked their food and grew "all manner of grain" and had "all manner of cattle ... and also many horses." (Cattle, horses, and European grains were absent in pre-Columbian North America.)
The people of Nephi did till the land, and raise all manner of grain, and of fruit, and flocks of herds, and flocks of all manner of cattle of every kind, and goats, and wild goats, and also many horses. 21
It wasn't easy for Enos, though, to prophesy among the Nephites because there were exceedingly many other Nephite prophets. But he did his best, speaking with exceeding harshness.
There were exceedingly many prophets among us ... And there was nothing save it was exceeding harshness, preaching and prophesying of wars, and contentions, and destructions, and continually reminding them of death, and the duration of eternity. 23a
Luckily he had read his dad's book so he knew how to talk with "exceedingly great plainness of speech," as you've no doubt already noticed.
Nothing short of ... exceedingly great plainness of speech would keep them from going down speedily to destruction. And after this manner do I write concerning them. 23b
Nephi ends his little booklet with this:
And I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father. Amen. 27
Which reminds me of this verse from "You and me (but mostly me)" from my all-time favorite musical.
I've always had the hope,
That on the day I go to heaven.
Heavenly Father will shake my hand and say,
"You've done an awesome job, Kevin!"
The Book of Mormon is so danged inspiring!
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/26/2012 01:49:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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24 October 2012The first 1 Machabees killing: Mathathias' double murder
First Machabees was written in the latter part of the second century BCE. It is considered sacred scripture to more than a billion Christians, members of the Catholic, Orthodox, and Coptic churches. Another billion or so Christians (the Protestants) consider it apocryphal. It's one of the many things that divides the followers of Jesus, contrary to Jesus' prayer in John 17:21.
That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.
From which we can conclude two things:
Nothing fails like prayer (even when Jesus does the praying), and
God didn't send Jesus.
But back to the story.
The first chapter of 1 Machabees tells about the trials and tribulations of the Jews after Alexander the Great conquered Judea. His successor in the region (a century and a half later), Antiochus, desecrated the temple in Jerusalem and forced the Jews to abandon their religious traditions.
That's when Mathathias shows up.
He and his sons were so upset by the whole thing that they did what all good biblical characters do in similar situations. They...
...rent their garments, and they covered themselves with haircloth, and made great lamentation. 1 Machabees 2:14
Then Mathathias got down to business -- God's business, that is.
Mathathias saw a Jew sacrificing to idols and it grieved him -- so much in fact that his kidneys ("reins" in the Douay-Rheims Bible) began to tremble.
There came a certain Jew in the sight of all to sacrifice to the idols upon the altar in the city of Modin, according to the king's commandment. Mathathias saw and was grieved, and his reins trembled. 2:23-24a
Which kindled his wrath, whereupon he ran up and murdered the Jew on the altar while he was offering sacrifice to his idols..
and his wrath was kindled according to the judgment of the law, and running upon him he slew him upon the altar: 2:24b
Along with one of Antiochus' officials.
Moreover the man whom king Antiochus had sent, who compelled them to sacrifice, he slew at the same time, and pulled down the altar. 2:25
That these murders were approved by God is made clear by the following verse.
And shewed zeal for the law, as Phinees did. 2:26
Mathathias was showing his zeal for the law, just like Phineas ("Phinees" in the Douay-Reims) did in Numbers 25:7-8.
In Numbers 25, Phineas threw a spear through an interfaith couple while they were having sex, and the double murder pleased God so much that God stopped killing the Israelites with a plague (after killing 24,000). For being so "zealous for his God," Phineas was given God's "covenant of peace" and the "covenant of an everlasting priesthood."
Mathathias' double murder was as pleasing to God as Phineas'.
You just can't please God more than that.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/24/2012 10:22:00 PM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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20 October 2012Jacob 6-7: The sign of Sherem
In chapter 6, Jacob tells us about Jesus, who will be coming 500 or so years in the future. He warns the Nephites that they must believe in Jesus (centuries before he was born) or they'll burn forever in hell. Of course, he and his older brother, Nephi, along with their dad, Lehi, have said this many times before. But since this is the Book of Mormon, he says it again. You just can't repeat stuff too often when you're engraving it on metal plates.
Will ye ... deny the good word of Christ, and the power of God, and the gift of the Holy Ghost, and quench the Holy Spirit, and make a mock of the great plan of redemption, which hath been laid for you?
Know ye not that if ye will do these things ... ye must go away into that lake of fire and brimstone, whose flames are unquenchable, and whose smoke ascendeth up forever and ever, which lake of fire and brimstone is endless torment. Jacob 6:8-10
Jacob finally stops preaching and says goodbye, saying he won't see us again until the wicked are beaten with "the pleasing rod of God" (which is a strange thing to say since he returns in the next chapter).
O be wise; what can I say more? Finally, I bid you farewell, until I shall meet you before the pleasing bar of God, which bar striketh the wicked with awful dread and fear. Amen. Jacob 6:11-12
In chapter 7, a guy named Sherem shows up from out of nowhere and begins to "preach many things" that "might overthrow the doctrine of Christ." Now you might think that there wouldn't be much "doctrine of Christ" in North America 500 years before Jesus was born. But if so, you haven't read (or don't entirely believe) the Book of Mormon.
There came a man ... whose name was Sherem. He began ... to declare unto them that there should be no Christ ... that he might overthrow the doctrine of Christ. Jacob 7:1-2
Sherem was a smooth talker with "perfect knowledge" and "the power of the devil." He said that Jacob had mislead the people "into the worship of a being which ... shall come many hundred years hence." But "no man knoweth of such things; for he cannot tell of things to come."
He was learned, that he had a perfect knowledge ... according to the power of the devil. And it came to pass that he came unto me ... saying: Brother Jacob ... thou goest about much, preaching that which ye call the gospel, or the doctrine of Christ. And ye have led away much of this people ... into the worship of a being which ye say shall come many hundred years hence ... this is blasphemy; for no man knoweth of such things; for he cannot tell of things to come. Jacob 7:4-7
Jacob asks Sherem if he denies that Christ will come. Sherem answers that although he doesn't believe it now, he could be convinced if Jacob could show him a sign. Jacob responds by saying, "Thou art the devil ... but if God shall smite thee, let that be a sign unto thee."
I said unto him: Deniest thou the Christ who shall come?
And he said: If there should be a Christ, I would not deny him; but I know that there is no Christ, neither has been, nor ever will be ... And it came to pass that he said unto me: Show me a sign.
And I said unto him ... thou art of the devil. Nevertheless, not my will be done; but if God shall smite thee, let that be a sign unto thee. Jacob 7:9-14
And (wouldn't you know it?) that's exactly what happens in the very next verse:
And it came to pass that when I, Jacob, had spoken these words, the power of the Lord came upon him, insomuch that he fell to the earth. Jacob 7:15
It took another five verses and three and-it-came-to-passes for God's sign to take effect, but in verse 20, Sherem finally gives up the ghost. (But not before he publicly "confessed the Christ, and the power of the Holy Ghost," admitted that he "had been deceived by the power of the devil," and said that he fully deserved and expected to go to hell.)
And it came to pass that he said unto the people ... I desire to speak unto the people before I shall die. And it came to pass that ... he ... confessed the Christ, and the power of the Holy Ghost, and the ministering of angels. And ... that he had been deceived by the power of the devil. And he spake of hell, and of eternity, and of eternal punishment. And he said: I fear lest I have committed the unpardonable sin ... for I denied the Christ ... And it came to pass that when he had said these words he could say no more, and he gave up the ghost. Jacob 7:16-20
Jacob said that he was pleased with the whole thing, as was, no doubt, God. Hasa Diga Eebowai
Now, this thing was pleasing unto me, Jacob, for I had requested it of my Father who was in heaven; for he had heard my cry and answered my prayer. Jacob 7:22
You see, God doesn't mess around in the Book of Mormon. Believe whatever the church leaders tell you, without any evidence, without any sign. Because if you ask for a sign, God will give you one, all right. The sign of Sherem.
Challenge: How did Jacob respond to Sherem's skepticism?
Answer: By asking God to kill him. (Jacob 7:14)
After God killed Sherem, things got back to normal. The Nephites were righteous.
And it came to pass that peace and the love of God was restored again among the people; and they searched the scriptures, and hearkened no more to the words of this wicked man. Jacob 7:23
And the Lamanites were wicked.
And it came to pass that many means were devised to reclaim and restore the Lamanites to the knowledge of the truth; but it all was vain, for they delighted in wars and bloodshed, and they had an eternal hatred against us, their brethren. And they sought by the power of their arms to destroy us continually. Jacob 7:24
So the Nephites built up their military to fight the Lamanites.
Wherefore, the people of Nephi did fortify against them with their arms, and with all their might, trusting in the God and rock of their salvation; wherefore, they became as yet, conquerors of their enemies. Jacob 7:25
And Jacob grew old, got ready to die, and gave his plates to his son Enos.
And it came to pass that I, Jacob, began to be old; and the record of this people being kept on the other plates of Nephi, wherefore, I conclude this record ... And I, Jacob, saw that I must soon go down to my grave; wherefore, I said unto my son Enos, Take these plates. Jacob 26-27
The last word that Jacob engraved on his plates was a strange one for a 6th century BCE North American Israelite writing in reformed Egyptian to use: adieu.
And I make an end of my writing upon these plates, which writing has been small; and to the reader I bid ... adieu. Jacob 27
And that ends the Book of Jacob.
The next book in the Book of Mormon is the little book of Enos, which was written by Jacob's son. I'll get to one that soon.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/20/2012 06:00:00 PM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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17 October 2012Surah 96 (The Clot): Muhammad's first revelation
"The Clot" (Al-Alaq) was the first surah that Muhammad (I'll just call him "Mo") claimed to receive from Allah. Mo was about 40 years old at the time (ca. 610 CE).
Here's the story from the Hadith (Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith - 6.478), as told by Aisha, who twelve years later became Mo's favorite wife. (Since Aisha was only nine years old when her marriage to the 52-year-old Mo was consummated, she wouldn't have yet been born when this story supposedly took place.)
File:Mohammed receiving revelation from the angel Gabriel.jpg
Mo receiving the first revelation from the angel Gabriel
While Mo was sleeping in the cave of Hira, an angel appeared to him in a dream and told him to read. Mo replied that he didn't know how to read. Then the angel forced him hard to the ground, so hard he could hardly stand it.
The commencement (of the Divine Inspiration) to Allah's Apostle was in the form of true dreams in his sleep, for he never had a dream but it turned out to be true and clear as the bright daylight.Then he began to like seclusions, so he used to go in seclusion in the cave of Hira where ... one day he received the Guidance while he was in the cave of Hira.
An Angel came to him and asked him to read. Allah's Apostle replied, "I do not know how to read." The Prophet added, 'then the Angel held me (forcibly) and pressed me so hard that I felt distressed.'
The angel released him and again told him to read. And Mo again told him that he didn't know how to read.
Then he released me and again asked me to read, and I replied, 'I do not know how to read.' Thereupon he held me again and pressed me for the second time till I felt distressed. He then released me and asked me to read, but again I replied. 'I do not know how to read.'
So the angel knocked him down a third time, pressing him so hard he could hardly stand it.
Thereupon he held me for the third time and pressed me till I got distressed, and then he released me and said, 'Read, in the Name of your Lord Who has created (all that exists), has created man out of a clot, Read! And your Lord is the Most Generous. Who has taught (the writing) by the pen, has taught man that which he knew not.'
And the words in bold became the first five verses in the Quran (96:1-5).
Read: In the name of thy Lord Who createth,
Createth man from a clot.
Read: And thy Lord is the Most Bounteous,
Who teacheth by the pen,
Teacheth man that which he knew not.
When Mo woke up from his dream, he was afraid he was either a poet or possessed. (He hoped he was possessed, though, because he really hated poets.) He was so upset that he decided to commit suicide by throwing himself off a cliff. (Ibn Ishaq, p.106-7)
And I awoke from my sleep, and it was as though these words were written on my heart. Now none of God's creatures was more hateful to me than an (ecstatic) poet or a man possessed: I could not even look at them. I thought, Woe is me, poet or possessed ... I will go to the top of the mountain and throw myself down that I may kill myself and gain rest.
So he went off to do that, but while he was climbing the mountain he heard a voice from the sky saying, "O Muhammad! Thou art the apostle of God and I am Gabriel."
So I went forth to do so and then when I was midway on the mountain, I heard a voice from heaven saying, "O Muhammad! thou art the apostle of God and I am Gabriel."
When he looked up he saw the angel Gabriel with one foot on each horizon. And no matter what direction Mo looked, there was Gabriel standing in front of him, with a foot on each horizon.
I raised my head towards heaven to see (who was speaking), and Lo, Gabriel in the form of a man with feet astride the horizon ... then I began to turn my face away from him, but towards whatever region of the sky I looked, I saw him as before.
After the vision, Mo returned to Mecca, but he still wasn't sure whether the horizon-straddling sky guy was Gabriel or a satan. Luckily, Khadija (Mo's first wife) knew how to find out.
She told him that the next time the sky guy comes to visit, he should sit by her left thigh. So the next time he saw him, he sat by her left thigh. Then she asked Mo if he could still see him. He said that he could.
Next Khadija told Mo to turn around and sit on her right thigh. He did that, and she asked him, "Can you see him?" He said, "Yes, I can still see him."
Then she told him to sit on her lap. When he did that, she asked if he could still see him. And, once again, Mo said, "Yes."
Finally, Khadija threw off her veil and "disclosed her form" while Mo was sitting in her lap, and said, "Can you still see him?" This time Mo said, "No."
From this test, Khadija knew for sure that Mo's imaginary friend was an angel and not a a satan.
She [Khadija] said to the apostle of God, 'O son of my uncle, are you able to tell me about your visitant, when he comes to you?' He replied that he could, and she asked him to tell her when he came. So when Gabriel came to him, as he was wont, the apostle said to Khadija, 'This is Gabriel who has just come to me.' 'Get up, O son of my uncle, she said, 'and sit by my left thigh'. The apostle did so, and she said, 'Can you see him?' 'Yes,' he said. She said, 'Then turn round and sit on my right thigh.' He did so, and she said, 'Can you see him?' When he said that he could she asked him to move and sit in her lap. When he had done this she again asked if he could see him, and when he said yes, she disclosed her form and cast aside her veil whil the apostle was sitting in her lap. Then she said, 'Can you see him?' And he replied, 'No.' She said, 'O son of my uncle, rejoice and be of good heart, by God he is an angel and not a satan.'
Now those of you who have been corrupted by Western influences may not understand this test. So let me explain it to you.
You see, if Mo's friend was a satan, he wouldn't mind hanging around while a woman took off her veil and started messing around with a man. In fact, he'd enjoy it. But not an angel. The sight of an unveiled woman would be so disgusting to an angel, that he'd leave -- which is what Mo's friend did. Therefore, Mo's mysterious imaginary friend must be an angel. QED.
So now we know for sure that the Quran (or at least the first five verses) was revealed by an angel and not a satan.
And yet, strangely, for all of Allah, Gabriel, and Mo's shenanigans, there's not much in this surah.
Here's a summary:
Humans were created from a clot.
Thy Lord ... createth man from a clot. 96:1-2
If you deny Allah, he'll grab you by the forelock and throw you in hell.
If he denieth (Allah's guidance) ... We will seize him by the forelock - The lying, sinful forelock - [and] We will call the guards of hell. 96:13-18
(Note: The "forelock" that Allah refers to here is not what you think it is. It is, according to Muslim scholars, the prefrontal cortex. Allah will grab you by your lying, sinful prefrontal lobe and throw your ass into hell. You can read all about it here. It's just one of the many scientific miracles of the Quran.)
That's it. That's all Allah had to say in Surah 96. Maybe he'll do better in his next revelation.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/17/2012 07:34:00 PM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 October 2012A question for Mitt Romney in tonight's debate: Is dark skin a punishment from God?
Brother Bri Bri's readings from the Book of Mormon:
Wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people ... And cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. And the Lord spake it, and it was done. And because of their cursing which was upon them they did become an idle people, full of mischief and subtlety, and did seek in the wilderness for beasts of prey. 2 Nephi 5:21-24
Their scales of darkness shall begin to fall from their eyes; and many generations shall not pass away among them, save they shall be a white pure and delightsome people. 2 Nephi 30:6
(Note: In the original 1830 edition of the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 30:6 read "white and delightsome", but this was later changed to hide its obvious racism.)
It came to pass that those Lamanites who had united with the Nephites were numbered among the Nephites; And their curse was taken from them, and their skin became white like unto the Nephites; And their young men and their daughters became exceedingly fair, and they were numbered among the Nephites. 3 Nephi 2:14-16
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/16/2012 09:22:00 AM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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11 October 2012SAB Book Pre-Orders Now Available
It's been a long time coming (more than 20 years), but it's finally here.
Okay, well, it's not really here, but at least it's to the printer. And if you pre-order it now, you can save 20% off the cover price while getting free shipping. Heck I'll even sign it for you.
Here's the link.
SAB Book Advance Pre-Order
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/11/2012 08:23:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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07 October 2012Jacob 5: A tale of two olive trees (and a new SAB category)
In the last chapter, Jacob told us (using many more words than was necessary) about the difficulty of engraving words on plates. Now he tells us about two olive trees.
This is the longest and most boring chapter in the most boring book ever written (The Book of Mormon). Thirty-one times it came to pass that the trees were cumbered, grafted, pruned, plucked, dunged, and digged about for no apparent purpose, except to waste 3733 words. I've read it several times, but I have no idea what it is about. Someone should ask Mitt Romney.
Still, I'm glad I read it, because it inspired me to create a new SAB category: the boring stuff. Now I can give the genealogies in the Bible their proper emphasis, along with pretty much all of Ezra and Nehemiah. And then, of course, there are the 19 chapters of Isaiah that God and/or Joseph Smith used as filler in the Book of Mormon.
Unfortunately, the new category won't appear in the SAB book, which has been sent off to the printer. Oh well, maybe the next edition.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/07/2012 06:43:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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05 October 2012Jacob 4: On the difficulty of engraving words upon plates
Jacob begins chapter 4 by using 150 words to tell us that he can't use many words because of the difficulty of engraving words on plates.
Now behold, it came to pass that I, Jacob, having ministered much unto my people in word, (and I cannot write but a little of my words, because of the difficulty of engraving our words upon plates) and we know that the things which we write upon plates must remain; But whatsoever things we write upon anything save it be upon plates must perish and vanish away; but we can write a few words upon plates, which will give our children, and also our beloved brethren, a small degree of knowledge concerning us, or concerning their fathers -- Now in this thing we do rejoice; and we labor diligently to engraven these words upon plates, hoping that our beloved brethren and our children will receive them with thankful hearts, and look upon them that they may learn with joy and not with sorrow, neither with contempt, concerning their first parents. Jacob 4:1-3
Still, he needs to engrave his words on plates so he can tell the Nephites about the birth of Jesus, which will happen 550 or so years in the future. Of course, all this is old news by now, as it has been announced many times before by Lehi, Nephi, and himself. (See 1 Nephi 1:8-11, 10:3-11, 11.1-36, 12:6-10, 14:7, 19:8-12; 2 Nephi 9:3-54, 11:4-7, 33:10)
There is something new that he has to say, though. Well, it's new to me, anyway. Here it is:
All the holy prophets which were before us ... believed in Christ and worshiped the Father in his name. Jacob 4:4-5
Yep, that's right: All the prophets in the Hebrew scriptures (Moses, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, etc.) believed in Jesus and worshiped God in Jesus' name -- hundreds of years before Jesus was born.
And here's something else you should know: Nephites (and I guess Mormons too) can command trees, mountains, and ocean waves to do whatever they want.
We truly can command in the name of Jesus and the very trees obey us, or the mountains, or the waves of the sea. Jacob 4:6
And then, once again, Jacob tells us about the evil Jews. (See 1 Nephi 1:19, 2:11-13, 19:13-14; 2 Nephi 10:3, 25:2 for previous insults to Jews.)
The Jews were a stiffnecked people; and they despised the words of plainness, and killed the prophets, and sought for things that they could not understand. Wherefore, because of their blindness ... they must needs fall; for God hath taken away his plainness from them ... God hath done it, that they may stumble. Jacob 4:14
Jews are "a stiffnecked people" who "despised the words of plainness," killed the prophets, and sought understanding. For this, God has blinded them and "taken away his plainness from them" so "that they may stumble."
It must have made the Jews sad when God took away his plainness from them. God's plainness is one of the things I like best about him.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/05/2012 02:24:00 PM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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01 October 2012The book is even worse than the movie. Let's burn it.
In terms of its production quality, "The Innocence of Muslims" is an awful film, though its content was accurate enough. Muhammad was a fraud, pedophile, polygamist, and murderer. No other person in history has caused so much harm to human well-being.
But Muhammad's book (the Quran) is even worse than the man or the movie. It may in fact be the worst book ever written (although the Bible and the Book of Mormon are close competitors).
Last month, on September 11, U.S. Embassies and Consulates were attacked and four Americans were murdered because "The Innocence of Muslims" offended the sensibilities of Muslims. A week or so later, some naked Muhammad cartoons appeared that further offended them. And then on Saturday, Muslims in Bangladesh burned at least a dozen Buddhist temples and monasteries and more than 50 Buddhist homes.
But this time, it wasn't about the movie or the cartoons; it was about the book.
Someone posted a picture on Facebook of a burning Quran. And the person who posted the picture was believed to be Buddhist. That's all it took.
Well, I think it's time that we all do what we can to offend the sensibilities of Muslims.
Watch the god-awful movie. Post a naked Muhammad cartoon. Display the image of a burning Quran on your Facebook page or website. Or burn the damned book itself. The world would be a much better place without it.
Just be sure to burn an Arabic Quran. You probably can't read it anyway, but, according to Muslims, it's the only one that Allah can read. Because Allah, it turns out, is not only imaginary, he's also monolingual.
In any case, you can always read the Quran (in English, anyway -- I, unfortunately, am also monolingual) at the SAQ. I promise to keep it up until the last English-speaking Muslim becomes an apostate.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/01/2012 11:19:00 AM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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30 November 2012Terry Jones, The Innocence of Muslims, and Leviticus 24:16
Earlier this week, an Egyptian court sentenced seven people to death for their involvement in the anti-Islam film, The Innocence of Muslims.
"The seven accused persons were convicted of insulting the Islamic religion through participating in producing and offering a movie that insults Islam and its prophet,'' Egyptian Judge Saif al-Nasr Soliman said Wednesday.
The convicted blasphemers are living outside of Egypt and so are unlikely to be executed.
Another person accused of insulting Islam is the Quran-buring Florida pastor, Terry Jones. His case is scheduled for December 29.*
The strange thing about all this is this: The Quran does not specify the death penalty for blasphemy. (Not directly, anyway.**)
But the Bible sure as hell does.
He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him. Leviticus 24:16
God commands believers to kill blasphemers -- by stoning them to death.
Why are Muslims the only ones who obey him? ***
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* I've spent a fair amount of time at this blog and the SAQ insulting Islam and its prophet (peanut butter and pig's fat be upon him). How come there's no death sentence out on me? I'm kind of insulted.
** There is a verse in the Quran that is applied in blasphemy cases.
The only reward of those who make war upon Allah and His messenger and strive after corruption in the land will be that they will be killed or crucified, or have their hands and feet on alternate sides cut off, or will be expelled out of the land. Such will be their degradation in the world, and in the Hereafter theirs will be an awful doom. Quran 5:33
Blasphemers "make war on Allah and His messenger" so they should "be killed or crucified, or have their hands and feet on alternate sides cut off" and then, of course, be tormented by Allah in hell forever.
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*** I've tried to get an answer from Bible believers about this, but without success.
Here are my questions.
Would it be wrong to obey God's command in Leviticus 24:16 today?
Was it ever right to obey it?
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/30/2012 12:16:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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26 November 2012Mosiah 7: A Nephite Family Reunion
Hello everyone! This is Philip, Steve's son. I have been working on editing the SAB book these last 8 months, and now I'll be blogging the Book of Mormon. With my help, we're hoping to get the Book of Mormon out in 2013. Steve will be continuing with the Apocrypha and his regular posts.
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The last chapter ended with King Benjamin appointing Mosiah as the new King. Well, things were going pretty good for King Mosiah II (his grandfather was also named Mosiah, remember?), and the first three years of his reign were peaceful. But he was getting a little bored, and was wondering about his brethren who had left Zarahemla years ago
7.1 And now, it came to pass that after king Mosiah had had continual peace for the space of three years, he was desirous to know concerning the people who went up to dwell in the land of Lehi-Nephi, or in the city of Lehi-Nephi; for his people had heard nothing from them from the time they left the land of Zarahemla; therefore, they wearied him with their teasings.
So he sent a search party to the land of Lehi-Nephi to go looking for them. He sent 16 of his finest men, and Ammon (a strong and mighty man) was to be their leader.
7:2 And it came to pass that king Mosiah granted that sixteen of their strong men might go up to the land of Lehi-Nephi to inquire concerning their brethren.
7:3 And it came to pass that on the morrow they started to go up, having with them one Ammon, he being a strong and mighty man, and a descendant of Zarahemla; and he was also their leader.
After 40 days of wandering around, they set up camp on a hill north of Shilom, in the land of Nephi. Maybe next time they'll pick a leader with a good sense of direction.
7:4 And now, they knew not the course they should travel in the wilderness to go up to the land of Lehi-Nephi; therefore they wandered many days in the wilderness, even forty days did they wander.
7:5 And when they had wandered forty days they came to a hill, which is north of the land of Shilom, and there they pitched their tents.
The next morning, Ammon and three of his best men went down into the land of Nephi to explore. They promptly got thrown in jail by the king's guard.
7:6 And Ammon took three of his brethren, and their names were Amaleki, Helem, and Hem, and they went down into the land of Nephi.
7:7 And behold, they met the king of the people who were in the land of Nephi, and in the land of Shilom; and they were surrounded by the king's guard, and were taken, and were bound, and were committed to prison.
After two days in jail, the king brought them out for questioning. He told them that he was Limhi (the son of Noah, who was the son of Zeniff, who came up out of the land of Zarahemla) and then asked them to explain why they were there, or else be put to death. Seems fair.
7:8 And it came to pass when they had been in prison two days they were again brought before the king, and their bands were loosed; and they stood before the king, and were permitted, or rather commanded, that they should answer the questions which he should ask them.
7:9 And he said unto them: Behold, I am Limhi, the son of Noah, who was the son of Zeniff, who came up out of the land of Zarahemla to inherit this land, which was the land of their fathers, who was made a king by the voice of the people.
7:10 And now, I desire to know the cause whereby ye were so bold as to come near the walls of the city, when I, myself, was with my guards without the gate?
7:11 And now, for this cause have I suffered that ye should be preserved, that I might inquire of you, or else I should have caused that my guards should have put you to death. Ye are permitted to speak.
Ammon bows and thanks King Limhi for not already killing him, and for letting him explain himself. There is so much to be thankful for!
7:12 And now, when Ammon saw that he was permitted to speak, he went forth and bowed himself before the king; and rising again he said: O king, I am very thankful before God this day that I am yet alive, and am permitted to speak; and I will endeavor to speak with boldness;
After Ammon tells his story, Lemhi is pleased. As it turns out, right now his people are being forced to pay a high tribute to the Lamenites, and he figures that his long-lost brethren in Zarahemla will help him out of the mess.
7:13 For I am assured that if ye had known me ye would not have suffered that I should have worn these bands. For I am Ammon, and am a descendant of Zarahemla, and have come up out of the land of Zarahemla to inquire concerning our brethren, whom Zeniff brought up out of that land.
7:14 And now, it came to pass that after Limhi had heard the words of Ammon, he was exceedingly glad, and said: Now, I know of a surety that my brethren who were in the land of Zarahemla are yet alive. And now, I will rejoice; and on the morrow I will cause that my people shall rejoice also.
7:15 For behold, we are in bondage to the Lamanites, and are taxed with a tax which is grievous to be borne. And now, behold, our brethren will deliver us out of our bondage, or out of the hands of the Lamanites, and we will be their slaves; for it is better that we be slaves to the Nephites than to pay tribute to the king of the Lamanites.
So King Lemhi set Ammon and his men free, and allowed them to eat, drink and rest in the city. He even sent a few guards to collect the rest of the men who were still camping on the hill.
7:16 And now, king Limhi commanded his guards that they should no more bind Ammon nor his brethren, but caused that they should go to the hill which was north of Shilom, and bring their brethren into the city, that thereby they might eat, and drink, and rest themselves from the labors of their journey; for they had suffered many things; they had suffered hunger, thirst, and fatigue.
Then King Lemhi sent a proclamation to all his people, telling them to gather together for a speech (oh boy!). Once everyone gathers around, he gives them the good news: "The time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies."
He then preaches for a little while about how the tribute was their fault in the first place; that it was a punishment sent from the Lord because of their iniquity. Luckily, God is now giving them a second chance.
7:18 And it came to pass that when they had gathered themselves together that he spake unto them in this wise, saying: O ye, my people, lift up your heads and be comforted; for behold, the time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies, notwithstanding our many strugglings, which have been in vain; yet I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made.
7:25 For if this people had not fallen into transgression the Lord would not have suffered that this great evil should come upon them. But behold, they would not hearken unto his words; but there arose contentions among them, even so much that they did shed blood among themselves.
7:33 But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage.
Posted by Philip Wells at 11/26/2012 03:04:00 PM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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23 November 2012The Machabees brothers (Simon, Judas, and Jonathan) slaughter the heathens
After the Hanukkah killings. the Gentiles gathered together to fight the Israelites, who sent messengers "with their garments rent" to Judas asking for help.
The Gentiles ... assembled themselves together against the Israelites ... to destroy them. 1 Machabees 5:9
There came other messengers out of Galilee with their garments rent. 5:14
And they asked the right guy.
Judas and his brothers (Simon and Jonathan) attacked the Gentiles in Galilee and Galaad.
Judas said to Simon his brother: Choose thee men, and go, and deliver thy brethren in Galilee: and I, and my brother Jonathan will go into the country of Galaad. 5:17
Simon killed 3000 Galilean heathens and took their wives and children captive.
Simon went into Galilee, and fought many battles with the heathens: and the heathens were discomfited before his face." 5:21
And there fell of the heathens almost three thousand men, and he took the spoils of them. 5:22
And he took ... their wives, and children, and all that they had." 5:23
Judas and his army went to Bosor and "slew every male with the edge of the sword, took all their spoils, and burnt it with fire."
Judas and his army suddenly turned their march into the desert, to Bosor, and took the city: and he slew every male by the edge of the sword, and took all their spoils, and burnt it with fire. 5:28
Then they retreated to their fortress.
They ... went till they came to the fortress. 5:29
The next day they saw "people without number" preparing to attack.
And it came to pass ... when they lifted up their eyes, behold there were people without number, carrying ladders and engines to take the fortress. 5:30
So they sounded their trumpets and cried out in prayer, which scared the hell out of Timotheus' army, who fled away in terror as Judas' men killed "almost eight thousand."
The cry of the battle went up to heaven like a trumpet. 5:31
And they sounded their trumpets, and cried out in prayer. 5:33
The host of Timotheus understood that it was Machabeus, and they fled away before his face: and they made a great slaughter of them: and there fell of them in that day almost eight thousand men. 5:34
Then Judas did unto the city of Maspha as he did to Bosor -- burning it to the ground after killing every male "with the edge of the sword."
And Judas turned aside to Maspha, and assaulted, and took it, and he slew every male thereof, and took the spoils thereof, and burnt it with fire. 5:35
Then he went and did likewise to "Casbon, and Mageth, and Bosor, and the rest of the cities of Galaad." (I guess he slaughtered Bosor again just for the heck of it.)
From thence he marched, and took Casbon, and Mageth, and Bosor, and the rest of the cities of Galaad. 5:36
Although Timotheus and his army ran away from Judas a few verses ago (5:34), he's back now with an "exceeding great" army. General Tim comes up with a great plan: if Judas is afraid to come near, Tim's army will win; if Judas isn't afraid to come near, Judas will win. Judas wasn't afraid, so Judas won.
But after this Timotheus gathered another army ... exceeding great 5:37-38
And Judas went to meet them. 5:39
And Timotheus said to the captains of his army: When Judas and his army come near ... if he pass over unto us first ... he will certainly prevail over us. 5:40
But if he be afraid to pass over ... we ... shall prevail against him. 5:41
Now when Judas came near ... he passed over to them first ... and all the heathens were discomfited before them, and they threw away their weapons, and fled to the temple that was in Carnaim. 5:42-43
All the heathens were discomfited before them, and they threw away their weapons, and fled to the temple that was in Carnaim. And he took that city, and the temple he burnt with fire. 5:44
Next Judas commands his soldiers to attack the great city of Ephron, kill every male, and then burn it.
They came as far as Ephron: now this was a great city. 5:46
Then Judas commanded proclamation to be made ... that they should make an assault. 5:49
They slew every male with the edge of the sword, and he razed the city, and took the spoils thereof, and passed through all the city over them that were slain. 5:51
To thank him for helping them slaughter the Gentiles, Judas and his brothers killed some animals for God.
And they went up to mount Sion with joy and gladness, and offered holocausts, because not one of them was slain, till they had returned in peace. 5:54
Then Judas and his brethren attacked the children of Esau, burned walls and towers in Chebron, destroyed the all the altars and statues in the land of the aliens and strangers, and took the spoils of their cities.
Then Judas and his brethren went forth and attacked the children of Esau, in the land toward the south, and he took Chebron, and her towns: and he burnt the walls thereof and the towers all round it. 5:65
And he removed his camp to go into the land of the aliens, and he went through Samaria. 5:66
And Judas turned to Azotus into the land of the strangers, and he threw down their altars, and he burnt the statues of their gods with fire: and he took the spoils of the cities. 5:68
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So how heathens did God help the Machabees brothers kill?
3000 from Galilee
Every male in Bosor (1000 estimate)
8000 soldiers in Timotheus' army
Every male in Maspha (1000 estimate)
Every male in Casbon, and Mageth, and Bosor, and the rest of the cities of Galaad (5000 estimate)
All the heathens in Timotheus's army (10,000 estimate)
Every male in Ephron (5000 estimate, since Ephron, as skanksta noted below, was "a great city")
The children of Esau (1000 estimate)
Chebron (1000 estimate)
Samaria (1000 estimate)
Azotus in the land of the strangers (1000 estimate)
So there were at least 11,000 victims, with a total estimate of 32,000
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/23/2012 02:23:00 PM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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20 November 2012All the fat is the Lord's: The Bible's guide to Thanksgiving dinner
There are some things that God cares deeply about -- sex, foreskins, menstruation, and animal sacrifice, for example.
And food.
Most Christians forget about that. They prepare and eat food on Thanksgiving that God abhors, while thanking him for it. And it really pisses him off (insofar as an imaginary being can be pissed off, that is).
Don't make that mistake this Thanksgiving.
Here are some suggestions for a biblically correct Thanksgiving dinner.
Some things are abominations to God. Don't eat them. This includes:
pork (No Thanksgiving ham),
The swine ... is unclean to you ... their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch. Leviticus 11:7-8
clams, lobsters, shrimp,
All that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: Leviticus 11:10
four-legged creeping fowls,
All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:20
most four-legged flying creeping things with legs above their feet (grasshoppers, locusts, and beetles are exceptions)
All other flying creeping things, which have four feet, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:21-23
Every creeping thing that flieth is unclean unto you: they shall not be eaten. Deuteronomy 14:19
whatever crawls on its belly, goes on all four, or has lots of legs
Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or whatsoever hath more feet among all creeping things that creep upon the earth ... are an abomination. Leviticus 11:42
Don't eat anything with blood. (No goddamned Thanksgiving blood sausage)
Ye shall eat no manner of blood, whether it be of fowl or of beast. Leviticus 7:26
Ye shall not eat any thing with the blood. Leviticus 19:26
Don't eat anything with fat (God loves fat and he doesn't like to share. So no animal fat or gravy.)
All the fat is the Lord's. Leviticus 3:16
Ye shall eat no manner of fat. Leviticus 7:23
Don't eat any uncircumcised fruit.
When ye shall come into the land, and shall have planted all manner of trees for food, then ye shall count the fruit thereof as uncircumcised: three years shall it be as uncircumcised unto you: it shall not be eaten Leviticus 19:23
OK, but what can be eaten on Thanksgiving without upsetting God too much?
Here are a few biblically-based suggestions.
Invite your family, friends, and neighbors over for Thanksgiving.
And eat them.
Ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29
Thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters. Deuteronomy 28:53
I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9
The fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5:10
Eat the flesh of your own arm and get drunk on your own blood (as with sweet wine).
They shall eat every man the flesh of his own arm. Isaiah 9:19-20
I will feed them ... with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49:26
Spice things up a little. Eat your own dung and drinking your own piss.
Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? 2 Kings 18:27, Isaiah 36:12
Bake some Ezekiel 4:12 bread.
Take thou also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentiles, and millet, and fitches, and put them in one vessel, and make thee bread thereof. Ezekiel 4:9
And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man. Ezekiel 12
But what about turkey? Is it OK to eat turkey on Thanksgiving?
Well, that is a disputed topic.
I'll let the Bible believers fight it out.
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/20/2012 06:50:00 PM 24 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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17 November 2012Mosiah 2-6: The King's Speech
In the last chapter, King Benjamin waxed old, selected his son Mosiah to succeed him, and gathered all of his subjects to hear his speech so he could rid his garments of their blood.
And it came to pass that after Mosiah had done as his father had commanded him, and had made a proclamation throughout all the land, that the people gathered themselves together throughout all the land, that they might go up to the temple to hear the words which king Benjamin should speak unto them. Mosiah 2:1
I say unto you that I have caused that ye should assemble yourselves together that I might rid my garments of your blood. 2:28
But there were just too many of them. They had multiplied exceedingly. There were so many, in fact, that they couldn't be numbered or fit in the temple, so a tower had to be erected so that everyone could hear King Benjamin's exceedingly boring speech.
There were a great number, even so many that they did not number them; for they had multiplied exceedingly and waxed great in the land. 2:2
For the multitude being so great that king Benjamin could not teach them all within the walls of the temple, therefore he caused a tower to be erected, that thereby his people might hear the words which he should speak unto them. 2:7
Mosiah goes on for five chapters, saying all the usual stuff: Jesus is coming and everyone must pre-believe in him or be tortured forever in hell.
If he ... dieth in his sins, the same drinketh damnation to his own soul; for he receiveth for his wages an everlasting punishment. 2:33
Mercy hath no claim on that man; therefore his final doom is to endure a never-ending torment. 2:39
A state of misery and endless torment, from whence they can no more return; therefore they have drunk damnation to their own souls. 3:25
Their torment is as a lake of fire and brimstone, whose flames are unquenchable, and whose smoke ascendeth up forever and ever. 3:27
And Mosiah isn't just making stuff up. An angel of the Lord visited him and told him all about Jesus (who would be born in another 120 years or so). This is the umpteenth time Jesus is prophesied in great detail in the Book of Mormon. It's almost as though the whole thing was written using language that mimicked the King James Version of the Bible by someone living in nineteenth century America.
But we do learn a few new things about Jesus.
He will suffer so much that blood will come out of every pore of his body. And he is not only the Son of God, he is also the Father of heaven and earth.
The things which I shall tell you are made known unto me by an angel from God. And he said unto me: Awake; and I awoke, and behold he stood before me. 3:2
For behold, the time cometh, and is not far distant, that ... the Lord Omnipotent ... shall come down from heaven among the children of men. 3:5
He shall cast out devils, or the evil spirits which dwell in the hearts of the children of men. 3:6
And lo, he shall suffer ... blood cometh from every pore. 3:7
He shall be called Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Father of heaven and earth ... and his mother shall be called Mary. 3:8
When King Benjamin quit speaking, everyone in Zarahemla fell down.
And now, it came to pass that when king Benjamin had made an end of speaking the words which had been delivered unto him by the angel of the Lord, that he cast his eyes round about on the multitude, and behold they had fallen to the earth, for the fear of the Lord had come upon them. 4:1
And they all spoke in unison the following words:
O have mercy, and apply the atoning blood of Christ that we may receive forgiveness of our sins, and our hearts may be purified; for we believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who created heaven and earth, and all things; who shall come down among the children of men. 4:2
When the crowd was finished with their speech, the king started speaking again.
And king Benjamin again opened his mouth and began to speak unto them, saying......... 4:4-30
After King Benjamin's speech, he sent his officials out to ask the people if they believed the stuff he told them.
It came to pass that when king Benjamin had thus spoken to his people, he sent among them, desiring to know of his people if they believed the words which he had spoken unto them. 5:1
He didn't need Nate Silver to do the analysis.
Everyone believed everything he said and they all cried out together, "Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken to us...."
And they all cried with one voice, saying: Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually. 5:2
And we, ourselves, also, through the infinite goodness of God, and the manifestations of his Spirit, have great views of that which is to come; and were it expedient, we could prophesy of all things. 5:3
And it is the faith which we have had on the things which our king has spoken unto us that has brought us to this great knowledge, whereby we do rejoice with such exceedingly great joy. 5:4
And we are willing to enter into a covenant with our God to do his will, and to be obedient to his commandments in all things that he shall command us, all the remainder of our days, that we may not bring upon ourselves a never-ending torment, as has been spoken by the angel, that we may not drink out of the cup of the wrath of God. 5:5
And, by golly, those were just the words King Benjamin hoped they'd say!
These are the words which king Benjamin desired of them. 5:6
Then King Benjamin broke into one of his boring speeches again.
And now, because of the covenant which ye have made ye shall be called the children of Christ........ 5:7-15
After King Benjamin finally finished speaking (God, I hope he's really done this time), he decided to make a list of all the born-again Christians. It turned out that everyone had been saved, except for maybe the little children -- 120 years before Jesus was born!
King Benjamin thought it was expedient, after having finished speaking to the people, that he should take the names of all those who had entered into a covenant with God. 6:1
And it came to pass that there was not one soul, except it were little children, but who had entered into the covenant and had taken upon them the name of Christ. 6:2
Benjamin made his son Mosiah king and appointed priests to instruct the people. Mosiah walked in the ways of the Lord and everything was peachy in Zarahemla, just like it was when his dad was king.
King Benjamin ... consecrated his son Mosiah to be a ruler and a king ... and also had appointed priests to teach the people." 6:3
And it came to pass that king Mosiah did walk in the ways of the Lord, and did observe his judgments and his statutes, and did keep his commandments in all things whatsoever he commanded him. 6:6
And there was no contention among all his people for the space of three years. 6:7
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/17/2012 07:00:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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15 November 2012Mosiah 1: King Benjamin teaches his sons Reformed Egyptian
Remember how, back in the Book of Omni, the Nephites discovered the land of Zarahemla while fleeing from the evil Lamanites? Well, that's where the Book of Mosiah takes place between 130 and 92 BCE (except for a flashback to 200 BCE in chapters 9-22, which I'll cover in a later post).
King Benjamin was the son of the Mosiah from the Book of Omni. He was a perfect king and the land of Zarahemla was perfectly peaceful and happy during his entire reign.
And now there was no more contention in all the land of Zarahemla, among all the people who belonged to king Benjamin, so that king Benjamin had continual peace all the remainder of his days. Mosiah 1:1
Benjamin taught his sons Reformed Egyptian so they could read the brass plates. Good thing, too -- otherwise they'd suffer ignorance and dwindle in unbelief.
King Benjamin ... had three sons ... Mosiah, and Helorum, and Helaman. And he caused that they should be taught in all the language of his fathers. 1:1-2
And he also taught them concerning the records which were engraven on the plates of brass, saying: My sons ... were it not for these plates ... we must have suffered in ignorance. 1:3
Lehi ... having been taught in the language of the Egyptians. 1:4
Were it not for these things ... our fathers would have dwindled in unbelief. 1:5
The king told his sons that all the sayings, records, and plates are true, along with lots of other true stuff that didn't make it into the Book of Mosiah.
These sayings are true, and also that these records are true. And behold, also the plates of Nephi ... are true. ... And many more things did king Benjamin teach his sons, which are not written in this book. 1:6-8
Then it came to pass that the king waxed old, made an end of teaching his sons, and got ready to go the way of all the earth. So he figured he'd better choose one of his sons to succeed him.
And it came to pass that after king Benjamin had made an end of teaching his sons, that he waxed old, and he saw that he must very soon go the way of all the earth; therefore, he thought it expedient that he should confer the kingdom upon one of his sons. 1:9
He chose Mosiah. (Just to confuse you, Mosiah's grandfather was also named Mosiah.)
Therefore, he had Mosiah brought before him. 1:10
And gave him all his special things: the plates of Nephi, the sword of Laban (that Nephi used to decapitate Laban), and the magic ball of curious workmanship that was made by God himself.
And it came to pass that ... king Benjamin gave him ... the plates of Nephi; and also, the sword of Laban, and the ball or director, which led our fathers through the wilderness, which was prepared by the hand of the Lord. 1:15-16
Then the king called everyone in his kingdom to hear his speech, which I'll tell you about in my next post.
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/15/2012 12:32:00 PM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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13 November 2012A Challenge to Christians
It's been three years since I posted this and there is still no response from Bible believers. So I thought I'd try again. (Thanks for reminding me, Brucker!)
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I have always been amazed with how untroubled believers appear to be with God's killings in the Bible. It's good to know that I am not alone.
Here are Zinnia Jones' thoughts on the subject.
I had expected that everyone would easily recognize that ... all genocides were clearly wrong. But this was not the case. Instead, I was surprised to see that Christians were defending these genocides and claiming that they were justified. One of the reasons they offered was that the victims were so evil that they all deserved to be killed. Others said that the Israelites were in need of land, so God allowed them to conquer neighboring territories. And some even claim that anything God commands is morally right by definition and that we have no standing to question this or disobey his commands.
It was really quite startling that these excuses were so similar to the justifications used by the perpetrators of genocide. The victims were simply unworthy of life, or they needed to acquire more territory for themselves, or they were just following orders. Even more unnerving is how indifferent these people are to the realities of genocide. They apparently have no problem with killing defenseless children and treating even infants as too evil to live. It's like none of this seems real to them.
But perhaps the most disturbing aspect is that of all the Christians I've discussed this with, not one of them has been willing to condemn these genocides. Not a single one. They have all tried to defend this.
So, I'd like to issue a challenge to Christians. Can you acknowledge that genocide is wrong even if God commands it? Can you agree that genocide is never acceptable including the genocides of the Bible? Are you capable as a Christian of condemning genocide without equivocation?
And I'll add another challenge to Zinnia's: If you refuse to condemn God's genocides in the Bible, then defend them. Right here on this blog. Just pick your favorite and tell us why you like it so darned much.
Maybe you think it was especially cool that God burned people to death for complaining. Or that he sent fiery serpents to bite and kill people (again for complaining -- this time about the lack of food and water). Just pick one and tell us why you love God so much for doing it.
You can have a guest post right here and become as famous as Brucker!
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/13/2012 08:00:00 AM 107 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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11 November 2012The Hanukkah killings
A year after God's slaughter of Georga's army, Lysias attacked Judas with army of 60,000.
The year following Lysias gathered together threescore thousand chosen men, and five thousand horsemen. 1 Machabees 4:28
Judas asked God to deliver the Syrians like he did the mighty and the strangers to David and Jonathan.
Judas met them with ten thousand men ... and he prayed, and said: Blessed art thou, O Saviour of Israel, who didst break the violence of the mighty by the hand of thy servant David, and didst deliver up the camp of the strangers into the hands of Jonathan the son of Saul and of his armourbearer. 4:29-30
He asked God to scare the hell out of them.
Strike them with fear ... and let them quake at their own destruction. 4:32
And kill them with the sword of those that love him.
Cast them down with the sword of them that love thee: and let all that know thy name, praise thee with hymns. 4:33
And it worked.
God helped Judas kill another 5000.
And there fell of the army of Lysias five thousand men. 4:34
After God "discomfited" the Gentiles, Judas and his brethren went to clean up the Temple.
Then Judas, and his brethren said: Behold our enemies are discomfited: let us go up now to cleanse the holy places and to repair them. 4:36
They found the Temple to be a bit of a mess.
And they saw the sanctuary desolate, and the altar profaned, and the gates burnt, and shrubs growing up in the courts as in a forest, or on the mountains, and the chambers joining to the temple thrown down. 4:38
So they did the usual things that Jews do when they get upset: they rent their garments, put ashes on their heads, and fell on their faces.
They rent their garments ... and put ashes on their heads ...And they fell ... on their faces. 4:39-40
Then they cleaned things up at the Temple and killed some animals for God.
They made new holy vessels, and brought in the candlestick, and the altar of incense, and the table into the temple. And they put incense upon the altar, and lighted up the lamps ... And they offered sacrifice. 4:49-53
And everyone fell on their faces once again. (You just can't do that too many times.)
And all the people fell upon their faces . 4:55
When the Gentiles found out that the Jews had cleaned up the temple, they were exceedingly angry.
Now it came to pass, when the nations round about heard that the altar and the sanctuary were built up as before, that they were exceeding angry. 1 Machabees 5:1
And began to persecute and kill the Jews.
And they thought to destroy the generation of Jacob that were among them, and they began to kill some of the people, and to persecute them. 5:2
Which got Judas (and God) in a killing mood once again.
He slaughtered the children of Esau.
Judas fought against the children of Esau in Idumea, and them that were in Acrabathane ... and he made a great slaughter of them. 5:3
Burned to death the children of Bean.
He remembered the malice of the children of Bean ... And they were shut up by him in towers, and he ... burnt their towers with fire, and all that were in them. 5:4-5
And smote the children of Ammon.
Then he passed over to the children of Ammon ... and they were discomfited in their sight, and he smote them. 5:6-7
God helped Judas kill the Gentiles because God likes the Jewish people more than other people, likes the Jewish religion more than other religions, and likes Jews to kill sacrifice animals to him in the Temple.
Judas, and his brethren, and all the church of Israel decreed, that the day of the dedication of the altar should be kept in its season from year to year for eight days, from the five and twentieth day of the month of Casleu. 1 Machabees 4:59
That is what Hanukkah is all about, Charlie Brown.
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So how many did God and Judas kill?
Well, there were 5000 soldiers in Lysias' army, maybe 10,000 or so from the "great slaughter" of the children of Esau, 1000 burned children of Bean, and another 1000 of the children of Ammon -- for a grand total of 17,000 Hanukkah victims.
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/11/2012 07:43:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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09 November 2012Words of Mormon - whispered by the Spirit of the Lord to Mormon Jr.
"Words of Mormon" is a single-chapter, 18-verse "book" in the Book of Mormon. It was engraved on golden plates by a Mormon prophet named Mormon (whose father was also named Mormon) about 385 CE. Mormon Jr. entrusted the golden plates to his son Moroni, who buried them on a hill in what is now Wayne County, New York. 1400 years later, after being resurrected as an angel, Moroni delivered the golden plates to Joseph Smith.
And now I, Mormon, being about to deliver up the record which I have been making into the hands of my son Moroni ... many hundred years after the coming of Christ. Words of Mormon 1
Mormon found and abridged the plates of Nephi, which were written over a period of about 1000 years. He wrote down less than one percent of all the stuff that was written, for which we should all be grateful. What he wrote he thinks is choice; he wrote it while the Spirit of the Lord whispered to him. And he knows it will be preserved because it's such great stuff.
I speak somewhat concerning that which I have written; for after I had made an abridgment from the plates of Nephi ... I found these plates. v.3
I cannot write the hundredth part of the things of my people. v.5
Behold, I shall take these plates ... for they are choice unto me; and I know they will be choice unto my brethren. v.6
I do this for a wise purpose; for thus it whispereth me, according to the workings of the Spirit of the Lord which is in me. v.7
I know that they will be preserved; for there are great things written upon them. v.11
Mormon prays that the Nephites will once again become a delightsome people.
My prayer to God is concerning my brethren ... that they may once again be a delightsome people. v.9
And I guess his prayer was answered since God helped the white and delightsome Nephites kill "many thousands" of evil, dark-skinned Lamanites.
In the strength of the Lord ... they had slain many thousands of the Lamanites ... until they had driven them out of all the lands of their inheritance. v.14
But not all the Nephites were delightsome; there were lots of false Christs, false prophets and teachers, whose mouths had to be shut and who were punished according to their crimes. (Were they executed as required by Deuteronomy 18:20?)
There had been false Christs, and their mouths had been shut, and they punished according to their crimes. v.15
And after there had been false prophets, and false preachers and teachers among the people, and all these having been punished according to their crimes. v.16
Luckily, though, King Benjamin was holy, and there were many other holy men, and the holy men used much sharpness against the sticknecked people.
For behold, king Benjamin was a holy man ... and there were many holy men ... and they did use much sharpness because of the stiffneckedness of the people. v.17
So everything worked out well in the end and there was peace in the land.
Wherefore, with the help of these, king Benjamin, by laboring with all the might of his body and the faculty of his whole soul, and also the prophets, did once more establish peace in the land. v.18
And that's all the Spirit of the Lord whispered to Mormon Jr.
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/09/2012 07:00:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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08 November 2012Look what came in the mail today!
We just approved the mockup. Printing begins next week.
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/08/2012 07:22:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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03 November 2012Judas and his unarmed men kill 3000 of Gorgias' soldiers
In Judas Machabeus' first set of God-assisted killings, He told his men not to worry about large opposing armies. Because success in war depends not on numbers, but on God. "The Lord himself will overthrow them." And that seemed to work well enough, though Judas and his men still had to do at least some of the killing.
This time, though, Judas doesn't even pretend to fight. He and his men didn't have a single sword among them. They didn't need any; God did it all for them.
Here's the story.
Judas and the Israelites prepare for war by putting on haircloth, putting ashes on their heads, rending their garments, blowing trumpets, and crying together with a loud, long, boring prayer to heaven.
The assembly was gathered that they might be ready for battle ...They ... put on haircloth, and put ashes upon their heads: and they rent their garments. 1 Machabees 3:44-47
They cried with a loud voice toward heaven, saying: What shall we do with these, and whither shall we carry them? v.50
For thy holies are trodden down, and are profaned, and thy priests are in mourning, and are brought low. v.51
And behold the nations are come together against us to destroy us: thou knowest what they intend against us. v.52
How shall we be able to stand before their face, unless thou, O God, help us? v.53
Then they sounded with trumpets, and cried out with a loud voice. v.54
And the war rituals worked like magic.
Judas and his completely unarmed valiant men defeated 5000 well-armed soldiers. He told his men not to do anything; God would do the killing for them. And he did.
Gorgias took five thousand men, and a thousand of the best horsemen: and they removed out of the camp by night. That they might come upon the camp of the Jews, and strike them suddenly. 4:1-2
And Judas heard of it ... he and the valiant men. v.3
Judas shewed himself in the plain with three thousand men only, who neither had armour nor swords. v.6
Judas said to the men that were with him: Fear ye not their multitude. v.8
Remember in what manner our fathers were saved in the Red Sea, when Pharao pursued them with a great army. v.9
Let us cry to heaven: and the Lord ... will destroy this army. v.10
Judas blew the trumpet and God killed 3000 Gentile soldiers.
They that were with Judas sounded the trumpet ... and the Gentiles were routed. v.13-14
All the hindmost of them fell by the sword ... and there fell of them to the number of three thousand men. v.15
Then Judas and his men enriched themselves with the booty.
Judas returned to take the spoils of the camp, and they got much gold, and silver, and blue silk, and purple of the sea, and great riches. v.23
As they left bodies of God's victims, they sang a hymn to God, praising him for his mercy.
And returning home they sung a hymn, and blessed God in heaven, because he is good, because his mercy endureth for ever. v.24
And prepared for God's next killing.
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/03/2012 12:04:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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02 November 2012The Book of Omni: The Nephites discover the Mulekites and Jaredites (who also sailed from Israel to America)
The Book of Omni gets off to a great start for a book in the Book of Mormon with the words "Behold, it came to pass" but it goes downhill quickly from there. The purpose of Omni's little book is the same as the purpose of his father's book (the Book of Jarom) -- to preserve their genealogy. Exciting stuff.
Behold, it came to pass that I, Omni, being commanded by my father, Jarom, that I should write somewhat upon these plates, to preserve our genealogy. Omni 1
It turns out that Omni's little book wasn't written by Omni, at least most of it wasn't. Omni only wrote the first three verses, from which we learn the following things: Omni fought a lot with Lamanites, he was a wicked man, and he had a son named Amaron, who received the plates from Omni when he died.
I fought much with the sword to preserve my people, the Nephites, from falling into the hands of their enemies, the Lamanites. But behold, I of myself am a wicked man ... and I had kept these plates according to the commandments of my fathers; and I conferred them upon my son Amaron. And I make an end. 2-3
Amaron was a bit more prolific than his father, writing five verses. From them we learn that after 320 years the more wicked part of the Nephites were destroyed, but the Lord saved the righteous ones. Then Amaron passed the plates to his brother Chemish.
And now I, Amaron, write the things whatsoever I write, which are few, in the book of my father. Behold, it came to pass that three hundred and twenty years had passed away, and the more wicked part of the Nephites were destroyed. ... Nevertheless, he did spare the righteous that they should not perish, but did deliver them out of the hands of their enemies. And it came to pass that I did deliver the plates unto my brother Chemish. 4-8
Chemish wrote a few things in a single verse in the same book, from which we learn that his brother Amaron wrote what he wrote with his own hand (not somebody else's) and he wrote his five verses in a single day, after the manner that the Nephites kept there records, according to the commandments of their fathers.
And with that, Chemish made an end.
Now I, Chemish, write what few things I write, in the same book with my brother; for behold, I saw the last which he wrote, that he wrote it with his own hand; and he wrote it in the day that he delivered them unto me. And after this manner we keep the records, for it is according to the commandments of our fathers. And I make an end. 9
After Chemish made an end, his son Abinadom took over. Abinadom wrote two verses with three beholds, saying that he killed many Lamanites with his own sword. But he didn't know of any new revelations, "wherefore, that which is sufficient is written."
Behold, I, Abinadom, am the son of Chemish. Behold, it came to pass that I saw much war and contention between my people, the Nephites, and the Lamanites; and I, with my own sword, have taken the lives of many of the Lamanites in the defence of my brethren. And behold, the record of this people is engraven upon plates which is had by the kings, according to the generations; and I know of no revelation save that which has been written, neither prophecy; wherefore, that which is sufficient is written. And I make an end. 10-11
After Abinadom's end, his son Amaleki took over. He spoke somewhat concerning Mosiah, the king of Zarahemla, which was a new land that the Nephites discovered while fleeing from the evil Lamanites.
Behold, I am Amaleki, the son of Abinadom. Behold, I will speak unto you somewhat concerning Mosiah, who was made king over the land of Zarahemla; for behold, he being warned of the Lord that he should flee out of the land of Nephi ... into the wilderness ... until they came down into the land which is called the land of Zarahemla. 12-13
When the Nephites arrived in Zarahemla, they found the land already inhabited by the people of Zarahemla, who rejoiced exceedingly when they saw the Nephites because they had the plates of brass with the genealogies of the Jews.
And they discovered a people, who were called the people of Zarahemla. Now, there was great rejoicing among the people of Zarahemla; and also Zarahemla did rejoice exceedingly, because the Lord had sent the people of Mosiah with the plates of brass which contained the record of the Jews. 14
Now you might be wondering where these mysterious people of Zarahemla came from. It turns out that they were also long lost Israelites That's right! They were seafaring Jews that, with God's help, sailed over "the great waters" from Israel after it was attacked by Babylon in 586 BCE. (The people of Zarahemla are called "Mulekites" later in the Book of Mormon. See Helaman 6:10)
Behold, it came to pass that Mosiah discovered that the people of Zarahemla came out from Jerusalem at the time that Zedekiah, king of Judah, was carried away captive into Babylon.
And they journeyed in the wilderness, and were brought by the hand of the Lord across the great waters, into the land where Mosiah discovered them; and they had dwelt there from that time forth.15-16
After arriving in the New World, the people of Zarahemla (aka the Mulekites) became exceedingly numerous. But from time to time they had wars and whatnot. And because they didn't write stuff on brass plates, they became atheists and their language (Reformed Egyptian) became corrupted. So the people of Zarahemla and the people of Mosiah couldn't understand one another.
And at the time that Mosiah discovered them, they had become exceedingly numerous. Nevertheless, they had had many wars and serious contentions, and had fallen by the sword from time to time; and their language had become corrupted; and they had brought no records with them; and they denied the being of their Creator; and Mosiah, nor the people of Mosiah, could understand them. 17
But these problems were easily solved. Mosiah taught the people of Zarahamla how to speak in Mosiah's language (Reformed Egyptian -- like all indigenous Americans speak), so they could write down their genealogies too. (Although they didn't get to write them on the plates of Nephi.)
But it came to pass that Mosiah caused that they should be taught in his language. And it came to pass that after they were taught in the language of Mosiah, Zarahemla gave a genealogy of his fathers, according to his memory; and they are written, but not in these plates. 18
After that, it came to pass that the people of Zarhemla and of Mosiah united together and made Mosiah their king.
And it came to pass that the people of Zarahemla, and of Mosiah, did unite together; and Mosiah was appointed to be their king. 19
Then someone found this big rock with engravings on it. Mosiah, with the help of God, interpreted the engravings and found that they were written by a guy named Coriantumr, who lived with the people of Zarahemla for the space of nine moons. ("Nine moons" is "Indian talk" for nine months.)
And it came to pass in the days of Mosiah, there was a large stone brought unto him with engravings on it; and he did interpret the engravings by the gift and power of God. And they gave an account of one Coriantumr, and the slain of his people. And Coriantumr was discovered by the people of Zarahemla; and he dwelt with them for the space of nine moons. 20-21
Okay, so where did this Coriantumr fellow come from?
Well, Israel, of course, silly! All the indigenous people in the Western Hemisphere came from Israel at one time or another. The Nephites sailed over in 600 BCE, the people of Zarahemla (aka the Mulekites) did likewise in 586 BCE, as did Corantumr's people (aka the Jaredites) at the time of the Tower of Babel. (You can read more all about the Jaredites in the Book of Ether.)
It also spake a few words concerning his fathers. And his first parents came out from the tower, at the time the Lord confounded the language of the people; and the severity of the Lord fell upon them according to his judgments, which are just; and their bones lay scattered in the land northward. 22
After Amaleki finished telling stories about the Mulekites and Jaredites, he began to be old and having no seed, he passed the plates to King Benjamin, who succeeded King Mosiah, and who drove the Lamanites out of the land of Zarahemla.
Behold, I, Amaleki, was born in the days of Mosiah; and I have lived to see his death; and Benjamin, his son, reigneth in his stead. And behold, I have seen, in the days of king Benjamin, a serious war and much bloodshed between the Nephites and the Lamanites. But behold, the Nephites did obtain much advantage over them; yea, insomuch that king Benjamin did drive them out of the land of Zarahemla. And it came to pass that I began to be old; and, having no seed, and knowing king Benjamin to be a just man before the Lord, wherefore, I shall deliver up these plates unto him...23-25a
King Benjamin told everyone to believe in prophesying, revelations, speaking in tongues (which, according to the Bible, no one did until the day of Pentecost), and getting saved through Christ (who wouldn't be born for another couple centuries).
...exhorting all men to come unto God, the Holy One of Israel, and believe in prophesying, and in revelations, and in the ministering of angels, and in the gift of speaking with tongues ... And now, my beloved brethren, I would that ye should come unto Christ ... and as the Lord liveth ye will be saved. 25b-26
Before Amaleki makes an end of his speaking, he tells us about a certain number of Nephites who leave Zarahelma and to return to the land of Nephi. They were led by a stiff-necked guy that got all of them killed, save fifty. After that, it came to pass that there was another attempted migration to the land of Nephi, with Amaleki's brother among them, and no one has heard from them since.
And now I would speak somewhat concerning a certain number who went up into the wilderness to return to the land of Nephi ... And their leader being a strong and mighty man, and a stiffnecked man, wherefore he caused a contention among them; and they were all slain, save fifty, in the wilderness, and they returned again to the land of Zarahemla. And it came to pass that they also took others to a considerable number, and took their journey again into the wilderness. And I, Amaleki, had a brother, who also went with them; and I have not since known concerning them. 27-30a
And with that bit of news, Amaleki makes an end of his speaking, and with the plates full, goes down in his grave.
And I am about to lie down in my grave; and these plates are full. And I make an end of my speaking. 30b
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/02/2012 09:55:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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01 November 2012Mitt Romney helps us understand his faith (before he gets angry and walks out)
From the WhatMormonsBelieve.com
Question: Do Mormons believe that when Jesus returns, he will rule Earth from Jackson County, Missouri?
Prior to Christ’s Second Coming we know certain events will take place. Among the many signs of His coming, scriptures teach that prior to Christ’s return the 12 tribes of Israel and the saints of God will be gathered together both spiritually and physically (Jeremiah 23:3). The city of Jerusalem will be rebuilt and the Lord will then bring again Zion, the New Jerusalem, down from heaven (Rev. 21:2, Rev. 3:12, Moses 7:60-64).
Latterday revelation revealed to Joseph Smith in 1832 teaches us that this Zion, the New Jerusalem, will be built upon the American continent. In Doctrine and Covenants 84:2-3 the Lord reveals: “Yea, the word of the Lord concerning his church, established in the last days for the restoration of his people, as he has spoken by the mouth of this prophets, and for the gathering of his saints to stand upon Mount Zion, which shall be the city of New Jerusalem. Which city shall be built, beginning at the temple lot, which is appointed by the finger of the Lord, in the western boundaries of the State of Missouri….” This is the region known as Jackson County.
Following Christ’s return, Jerusalem and Zion (the New Jerusalem) will exist as two great capitals where Christ’s people will live and where Christ will dwell and reign personally on the earth (Micah 4:2) in some sort of divine government (D&C 45:59, Dan. 7:13-14). Thus the scripture, “For out of Zion shall go forth the law, and the word of the Lord from Jerusalem”(Isaiah 2:3) will be fulfilled. While we do not know the details of how this divine government will work, we do know that Zion, the New Jerusalem, will be located in Missouri and will be a central place for the ruling and running of the Lord’s Kingdom during the Millennium.
(So, I think the answer to the question is Yes.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/01/2012 08:42:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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28 December 2012Piers Morgan: The Bible is flawed and should be amended
On Christmas Eve, Piers Morgan interviewed Rick Warren. Here are some excerpts:
On slavery:
MORGAN: -- He [Abraham Lincoln] knew instinctively it was just wrong, unfair, unequal.
WARREN: And why did he know that? Because it's in the Bible.
[No it isn't. See here for what the Bible says about slavery.]
On rape:
WARREN: I think the Bible is true; not everything in the Bible that is explained in the Bible does the Bible commend.
For instance, there's rape in the Bible. The Bible's clearly against rape.
[No it isn't. See here for what the Bible says about rape.]
On adultery:
MORGAN: But the Bible says if you commit adultery, you're going to be stoned to death.
WARREN: That's -- that is a, as we said before, that's a civil law for the nation of Israel.
MORGAN: But it's still an element of the Bible that is flawed.
WARREN: Well, evidently, for that generation, that's their -- that's their commandment. ... But it's not one of the moral laws.
[Yes it is. See here for the Bible's (im)moral law on adultery.]
On Amending the Bible:
MORGAN: The Bible and the Constitution were well intentioned, but they are basically inherently flawed. Hence the need to amend it.
My point to you about gay rights, for example, it's time for an amendment to the Bible.
WARREN: Not a chance. What I -- what I believe is flawed is human opinion because it constantly changes. In fact, we do it every eight years in America. We have a -- we have a change in opinion; what was -- what was hot is now not.
And I willingly admit -- willingly admit that I base my world view on the Bible, which I believe is true, and truth -- my definition of truth is if it's new, it's not true. If it was true 1,000 years ago, it'll be true 1,000 years from today. Opinion changes, but truth doesn't.
MORGAN: We're going to agree to disagree on that.
Watch Rick Warren lie and squirm his way out of the obvious truth of Piers Morgan's statements about the Bible.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/28/2012 06:18:00 AM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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17 December 2012The perfect (late) Christmas present!
OK, so it won't be here in time for Christmas.
But you can buy the book and present a card announcing your gift, which is just about as good.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/17/2012 04:19:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 December 2012Mosiah 11: Wicked King Noah
Zeniff's reign was at an end, and he conferred the kingdom upon his son, Noah. Noah was a wicked king. Unlike his father, he taxed the people, and spent the tax revenue on concubines, his priests, and a newly-constructed palace filled with precious things.
...Zeniff conferred the kingdom upon Noah 11:1
...He did not keep the commandments of God ... And he had many wives and concubines. 11:2
And he laid a tax of one fifth part of all they possessed. 11:3
And all this did he take to support himself, and his wives and his concubines; and also his priests, and their wives and their concubines; thus he had changed the affairs of the kingdom. 11:4
And he also built him a spacious palace, and a throne in the midst thereof, all of which was of fine wood and was ornamented with gold and silver and with precious things. 11:9
He also built a very high tower, so he could see everything in his kingdom.
And it came to pass that he built a tower near the temple; yea, a very high tower, even so high that he could stand upon the top thereof and overlook the land of Shilom, and also the land of Shemlon, which was possessed by the Lamanites; and he could even look over all the land round about. 11:12
Since there is no archaeological evidence, I'm
going to assume that Noah's tower looked like
Sauron's tower, Barad-dûr. Both towers share
an equal chance of actually existing in the New
World at the time.
King Noah was so evil that he even became a wine-bibber.
And it came to pass that he planted vineyards round about in the land; and he built wine-presses, and made wine in abundance; and therefore he became a wine-bibber, and also his people.11:15
Then the Lamanites started attacking Noah's people. He wasn't very good at protecting them, though. (He was too busy wine-bibbing with his concubines in his exceedingly high tower.) He sends out guards, but it is too little, too late.
The Lamanites began to come in upon his people ... to slay them in their fields, and while they were tending their flocks. 11:16
And king Noah sent guards round about the land to keep them off; but he did not send a sufficient number, and the Lamanites came upon them and killed them. 11:17
They have a battle, and Noah's people win. They then start boasting, and delighting in the blood of their victory. Everyone joined in, except a man named Abinadi. Abinadi began to prophesy unto them, telling them how wicked they all were, and how they should repent (or else).
And now, because of this great victory they were lifted up in the pride of their hearts; they did boast in their own strength, saying that their fifty could stand against thousands of the Lamanites; and thus they did boast, and did delight in blood, and the shedding of the blood of their brethren, and this because of the wickedness of their king and priests. 11:19
And it came to pass that there was a man among them whose name was Abinadi; and he went forth among them, and began to prophesy, saying: Behold, thus saith the Lord, and thus hath he commanded me, saying, Go forth, and say unto this people, thus saith the Lord -- Wo be unto this people, for I have seen their abominations, and their wickedness, and their whoredoms; and except they repent I will visit them in mine anger. 11:20
After Abinadi was done with his prophesying, the people were angry with him. They tried to kill him, but God didn't let them. When King Noah found out about it, he ordered that Abinadi be brought to him so he could kill him.
Now it came to pass that when Abinadi had spoken these words unto them they were wroth with him, and sought to take away his life; but the Lord delivered him out of their hands. 11:26
Now when king Noah had heard of the words which Abinadi had spoken unto the people, he was also wroth; and he said: Who is Abinadi, that I and my people should be judged of him, or who is the Lord, that shall bring upon my people such great affliction? 11:27
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The chapter ends with a cliffhanger.... What will happen to Abinadi? You'll just have to wait until next time.
Posted by Philip Wells at 12/16/2012 03:10:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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11 December 2012Beta Testing is now closed
Hello Everyone!
Due to the enthusiastic response (and my full inbox), Beta Testing is now closed.
Thanks for the interest!
Posted by Philip Wells at 12/11/2012 10:42:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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10 December 2012iPhone App Beta Testers Needed!
Calling all iPhone/iPad/iPod touch users! We have been working on a SAB app for some time now, and it's finally time for beta testing. We're looking for people who are willing to spend some real time with the app, get a feel for it and then send in feedback/corrections to our app designer. If you are interested and have an iDevice running iOS 5 or later, then send an email to SABappfeedback@gmail.com
Thanks!
Philip and Steve
Posted by Philip Wells at 12/10/2012 02:16:00 PM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Mosiah 10: 22 years of peace
After the bloodshed in the last chapter, Zeniff wises up and prepares for the next onslaught of Lamanites. He tells his people to make every kind of weapon, and he posts guards around the land.
10:1 And it came to pass that we again began to establish the kingdom and we again began to possess the land in peace. And I caused that there should be weapons of war made of every kind, that thereby I might have weapons for my people against the time the Lamanites should come up again to war against my people.
10:2 And I set guards round about the land, that the Lamanites might not come upon us again unawares and destroy us; and thus I did guard my people and my flocks, and keep them from falling into the hands of our enemies.
Its seemed to work pretty well, too. They had 22 years of continual peace, which is pretty good for the Book of Mormon.
10:3 And it came to pass that we did inherit the land of our fathers for many years, yea, for the space of twenty and two years.
But when King Laman died, his son began to reign, and he lost no time getting ready for battle.
10:6 And it came to pass that king Laman died, and his son began to reign in his stead. And he began to stir his people up in rebellion against my people; therefore they began to prepare for war, and to come up to battle against my people.
Then Zeniff saw a host of Lamanites on a hill overlooking his land (Lamanites are easy to identify, since they shave their heads and walk around in leather underwear). Zeniff hid all of the women and children in the woods and armed the men and boys for battle.
10:8 And it came to pass that they came up upon the north of the land of Shilom, with their numerous hosts, men armed with bows, and with arrows, and with swords, and with cimeters, and with stones, and with slings; and they had their heads shaved that they were naked; and they were girded with a leathern girdle about their loins.
10:9 And it came to pass that I caused that the women and children of my people should be hid in the wilderness; and I also caused that all my old men that could bear arms, and also all my young men that were able to bear arms, should gather themselves together to go to battle against the Lamanites; and I did place them in their ranks, every man according to his age.
Before the battle, Zeniff rouses his troops with a speech about the Lamanites, and why they hate the Nephites so much. Apparently the Lamanites were wroth with the the Nephites from the beginning, and are still wroth with them today (who would have guessed?). They still teach their children to hate the Nephites with an "eternal hatred". So it's best to kill them when you get the chance. It makes you wonder why Zeniff wanted to defend them so badly last chapter...
10:12 They were a wild, and ferocious, and a blood-thirsty people, believing in the tradition of their fathers, which is this -- Believing that they were driven out of the land of Jerusalem because of the iniquities of their fathers, and that they were wronged in the wilderness by their brethren, and they were also wronged while crossing the sea;
10:17 And thus they have taught their children that they should hate them, and that they should murder them, and that they should rob and plunder them, and do all they could to destroy them; therefore they have an eternal hatred towards the children of Nephi.
Of course the good guys win the battle, but Zeniff doesn't provide any details. Instead, he passes the kingdom to his son, Noah. Then he signs off.
10:20 And it came to pass that we did drive them again out of our land; and we slew them with a great slaughter, even so many that we did not number them.
10:22 And now I, being old, did confer the kingdom upon one of my sons; therefore, I say no more. And may the Lord bless my people. Amen.
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The next chapter introduces King Noah, who is a fun character. He is the preferred villain in the Book of Mormon, so we'll have some fun with him.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/10/2012 02:00:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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08 December 2012Mosiah 9: The start of the Record of Zeniff
Chapters 9-22 in the Book of Mosiah are a flashback that recount the Record of Zeniff (Zeniff was the first guy to leave Zarahemla to try to find the Nephites.) If you remember, in the last post, King Limhi presented Ammon with two sets of plates. The first set of plates were the Record of Zeniff, and the second set of plates were the mysterious plates of pure gold that were found by his people when they were lost, wandering among the ruins in the "land of many waters".
Got that straight? Okay, here we go.
Zeniff and his men were originally sent from Zarahemla on a reconnaissance mission to find out the strengths and weaknesses of the Lamanite army. Once Zeniff saw the Lamanites, however, he saw "that which was good among them" and he didn't want them to be destroyed. Go figure.
9:1 I, Zeniff, having been taught in all the language of the Nephites, and having had a knowledge of the land of Nephi, or of the land of our fathers' first inheritance, and having been sent as a spy among the Lamanites that I might spy out their forces, that our army might come upon them and destroy them -- but when I saw that which was good among them I was desirous that they should not be destroyed.
Zeniff asked his group's leader to make a treaty with them, but this didn't go so well. The leader commanded that Zeniff be killed for even suggesting such a thing. Some sided with Zeniff, and this led to infighting where "father fought against father, and brother fought against brother." Most of the group died in the fighting. The rest of the group returned with Zeniff to Zarahemla to tell the cool story to their wives and children.
9:2 Therefore, I contended with my brethren in the wilderness for I would that our ruler should make a treaty with them; but he being an austere and a bloodthirsty man commanded that I should be slain; but I was rescued by the shedding of much blood; for father fought against father, and brother against brother, until the greater number of our army was destroyed in the wilderness; and we returned, those of us that were spared, to the land of Zarahemla, to relate that tale to their wives and their children.
Then they decide to go back. They wander in the wilderness, and it is a pretty tough journey, since they were "slow to remember God." God punishes Zeniff's people with famine and sore afflictions, but they make it there eventually. Maybe next time they will be quicker to remember God.
9:3 And yet, I being over-zealous to inherit the land of our fathers, collected as many as were desirous to go up to possess the land, and started again on our journey into the wilderness to go up to the land; but we were smitten with famine and sore afflictions; for we were slow to remember the Lord our God.
9:4 Nevertheless, after many days' wandering in the wilderness we pitched our tents in the place where our brethren were slain, which was near to the land of our fathers.
Once they set up camp, Zeniff picks four of his men and goes down to meet the Lamanite king.
9:5 And it came to pass that I went again with four of my men into the city, in unto the king, that I might know of the disposition of the king, and that I might know if I might go in with my people and possess the land in peace.
It goes surprisingly well. The Lamanite king commands his people to clear the land immediately, and he gives the land to Zeniff and his people. Score! They start repairing walls and growing crops and stuff.
9:6 And I went in unto the king, and he covenanted with me that I might possess the land of Lehi-Nephi, and the land of Shilom.
9:7 And he also commanded that his people should depart out of the land, and I and my people went into the land that we might possess it.
9:8 And we began to build buildings, and to repair the walls of the city, yea, even the walls of the city of Lehi-Nephi, and the city of Shilom.
9:9 And we began to till the ground, yea, even with all manner of seeds, with seeds of corn, and of wheat, and of barley, and with neas, and with sheum, and with seeds of all manner of fruits; and we did begin to multiply and prosper in the land.
King Laman had a cunning and crafty plan, though. He only gave them the land so that he could put them in bondage later.
9:10 Now it was the cunning and the craftiness of king Laman, to bring my people into bondage, that he yielded up the land that we might possess it.
Twelve years later, King Laman enacts his plan. Zeniff's people are attacked by a host of Lamanites. The people rush to Zeniff for protection.
9:11 Therefore it came to pass, that after we had dwelt in the land for the space of twelve years that king Laman began to grow uneasy, lest by any means my people should wax strong in the land, and that they could not overpower them and bring them into bondage.
9:13 Therefore it came to pass that king Laman began to stir up his people that they should contend with my people; therefore there began to be wars and contentions in the land.
9:15 Yea, And it came to pass that they fled, all that were not overtaken, even into the city of Nephi, and did call upon me for protection.
Unfortunately for the Lamanites, Zeniff is prepared. He arms his people with all kinds of weapons (they even invent some) and they cried out mightily to the Lord for help in battle. The Lord hears them, and they defeat the Lamanites, 3,043 to 279.
9:16 And it came to pass that I did arm them with bows, and with arrows, with swords, and with cimeters, and with clubs, and with slings, and with all manner of weapons which we could invent, and I and my people did go forth against the Lamanites to battle.
9:17 Yea, in the strength of the Lord did we go forth to battle against the Lamanites; for I and my people did cry mightily to the Lord that he would deliver us out of the hands of our enemies, for we were awakened to a remembrance of the deliverance of our fathers.
9:18 And God did hear our cries and did answer our prayers; and we did go forth in his might; yea, we did go forth against the Lamanites, and in one day and a night we did slay three thousand and forty-three; we did slay them even until we had driven them out of our land.
9:19 And I, myself, with mine own hands, did help to bury their dead. And behold, to our great sorrow and lamentation, two hundred and seventy-nine of our brethren were slain.
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In the next chapter, Zeniff wises up and stockpiles weapons in case the Lamanites come back. Until then...
Posted by Philip Wells at 12/08/2012 08:00:00 AM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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05 December 2012God hates Christmas trees
Those who have read the Bible know that the God of love hates many things. And Christmas trees are on his most hated list.
Here's what he has to say about them.
Thus saith the Lord, Learn not the way of the heathen.... For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest ... with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold. Jeremiah 10:2-4
There are a couple other verses that sound like condemnations of Christmas trees, celebrations, fires, and roast beast. But, hey, it's the Bible. Who knows what the hell it means?
The workman melteth a graven image, and the goldsmith spreadeth it over with gold, and casteth silver chains. He ... chooseth a tree ... to prepare a graven image. Isaiah 40:19-20
He heweth him down cedars ... among the trees of the forest ... yea, he kindleth it, and baketh bread ... he maketh it a graven image ... he roasteth roast, and is satisfied: yea, he warmeth himself, and saith, Aha, I am warm, I have seen the fire. Isaiah 44:14-16
That's what I was just saying to myself: Aha, I am warm, I have seen the fire.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/05/2012 08:00:00 AM 18 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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02 December 2012Mosiah 8: A Seer is Greater Than a Prophet
After King Limhi is done with his speech, he makes Ammon tell everyone what his people have been up to since the time that Zeniff left the land of Zarahemla. Ammon agrees, and throws in King Benjamin's speech as a bonus.
8:1 And it came to pass that after king Limhi had made an end of speaking to his people, for he spake many things unto them and only a few of them have I written in this book, he told his people all the things concerning their brethren who were in the land of Zarahemla.
8:2 And he caused that Ammon should stand up before the multitude, and rehearse unto them all that had happened unto their brethren from the time that Zeniff went up out of the land even until the time that he himself came up out of the land.
8:3 And he also rehearsed unto them the last words which king Benjamin had taught them, and explained them to the people of king Limhi, so that they might understand all the words which he spake.
After all of this, King Limhi dismisses his people and the "multitude" go home.
8:4 And it came to pass that after he had done all this, that king Limhi dismissed the multitude, and caused that they should return every one unto his own house.
The fun is only just beginning, though. Lemhi brings out the plates of his people and makes Ammon read them.
8:5 And it came to pass that he caused that the plates which contained the record of his people from the time that they left the land of Zarahemla, should be brought before Ammon, that he might read them.
After Ammon finishes reading the plates, Limhi asks him if he can interpret languages. Ammon says he can't (although at this point he might just be getting tired of reading plates and giving speeches).
8:6 Now, as soon as Ammon had read the record, the king inquired of him to know if he could interpret languages, and Ammon told him that he could not.
Then King Limhi launches into another story. He explains how he sent a search party to find Zarahemla, but they couldn't find it. They got lost in the wilderness for many days and came upon a land of many waters, which was covered with the bones of men and beasts. Among the ruins they found 24 golden engraved plates, breastplates of brass and copper, and rusty swords.
8:7 And the king said unto him: Being grieved for the afflictions of my people, I caused that forty and three of my people should take a journey into the wilderness, that thereby they might find the land of Zarahemla, that we might appeal unto our brethren to deliver us out of bondage.
8:8 And they were lost in the wilderness for the space of many days, yet they were diligent, and found not the land of Zarahemla but returned to this land, having traveled in a land among many waters, having discovered a land which was covered with bones of men, and of beasts, and was also covered with ruins of buildings of every kind, having discovered a land which had been peopled with a people who were as numerous as the hosts of Israel.
8:9 And for a testimony that the things that they had said are true they have brought twenty-four plates which are filled with engravings, and they are of pure gold.
8:10 And behold, also, they have brought breastplates, which are large, and they are of brass and of copper, and are perfectly sound.
Then King Limhi asks him again if he can translate, or if he knows anyone else who can. Ammon says that the King of Zarahemla could probably do it. He's a seer, after all.
8:12 And I say unto thee again: Knowest thou of any one that can translate? For I am desirous that these records should be translated into our language.
8:13 Now Ammon said unto him: I can assuredly tell thee, O king, of a man that can translate the records; for he has wherewith that he can look, and translate all records that are of ancient date; and it is a gift from God. And the things are called interpreters, and no man can look in them except he be commanded, lest he should look for that he ought not and he should perish. And whosoever is commanded to look in them, the same is called seer.
8:14 And behold, the king of the people who are in the land of Zarahemla is the man that is commanded to do these things, and who has this high gift from God.
King Limhi was happy to have found a seer. Both Ammon and Limhi agreed that seers are far superior to prophets. You see, a seer is both a revelator and a prophet. (Of course, Joseph Smith was all three).
8:15 And the king said that a seer is greater than a prophet. A seer is greater than a prophet. He is a revelator with a Divine gift that is greater than all others.
8:16 And Ammon said that a seer is a revelator and a prophet also; and a gift which is greater can no man have, except he should possess the power of God, which no man can; yet a man may have great power given him from God.
Seers are handy to have around, because they reveal stuff, tell secrets, light up hidden things, make things known, and make other things known that couldn't have been known otherwise. It's a hard job.
8.17 By them shall all things be revealed, or, rather, shall secret things be made manifest, and hidden things shall come to light, and things with are not known shall be made known by them, and also things shall be made known by them which otherwise could not be known.
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The next 13 chapters of Mosiah are known as "The Record of Zeniff." They are a flashback that covers from the time Zeniff left Zarahemla to the time of King Limhi. I'll get to all that in the next exciting episode of the Book of Mormon.
Posted by Philip Wells at 12/02/2012 07:46:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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31 January 2013Mosiah 18: Mormon, Mormon, Mormon, Mormon, Mormon...
We met Alma last chapter, when he tried to convince King Noah not to kill Abinadi. It didn't go so well... it ended with King Noah burning Abinadi at the stake, and ordering the death of Alma, too. Alma managed to escape, and after he did he started preaching to the people in private.
And now, it came to pass that Alma, who had fled from the servants of king Noah, repented of his sins and iniquities, and went about privately among the people, and began to teach the words of Abinadi 18:1
And many did believe his words. 18:3
Apparently he was a pretty good speaker, and he created quite the following. He took his followers to a land called Mormon. It's called "Mormon" because it's infested with wild beasts. Makes sense.
And it came to pass that as many as did believe him did go forth to a place which was called Mormon, having received its name from the king, being in the borders of the land having been infested, by times or at seasons, by wild beasts. 18:4
Alma takes his followers to the Waters of Mormon and baptizes them all. Then he ordains priests, one for every 50 followers.
Alma and Helam were buried in the water; and they arose and came forth out of the water rejoicing, being filled with the Spirit. 18:14
And again, Alma took another, and went forth a second time into the water, and baptized him according to the first, only he did not bury himself again in the water. 18:15
And after this manner he did baptize every one that went forth to the place of Mormon; and they were in number about two hundred and four souls; yea, and they were baptized in the waters of Mormon, and were filled with the grace of God. 18:16
The priests were required to support themselves, though. Alma didn't want any spoiled priests like Noah had.
18:24 And he also commanded them that the priests whom he had ordained should labor with their own hands for their support.
He also seemed to favor progressive taxation. He demanded little of those with little, and more from those with more to give.
And again Alma commanded that the people of the church should impart of their substance, every one according to that which he had; if he have more abundantly he should impart more abundantly; and of him that had but little, but little should be required; and to him that had not should be given. 18:27
Everything seemed to be going well in the land of Mormon. They didn't even mind the word "Mormon" back then. They actually seem to use it an amazing amount.
And now it came to pass that all this was done in Mormon, yea, by the waters of Mormon, in the forest that was near the waters of Mormon; yea, the place of Mormon, the waters of Mormon, the forest of Mormon, how beautiful are they to the eyes of them who there came to the knowledge of their Redeemer; yea, and how blessed are they, for they shall sing to his praise forever. 18:30
Of course, nowadays you are supposed to call them "Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints". You could turn this verse into a whole page if you did that!
Everything was good until King Noah sends out spies and found out about them. Of course, Noah sent his army out to destroy them, and they fled into the wilderness, as usual.
But behold, it came to pass that the king, having discovered a movement among the people, sent his servants to watch them. Therefore on the day that they were assembling themselves together to hear the word of the Lord they were discovered unto the king. 18:32
And now the king said that Alma was stirring up the people to rebellion against him; therefore he sent his army to destroy them. 18:33
And it came to pass that Alma and the people of the Lord were apprised of the coming of the king's army; therefore they took their tents and their families and departed into the wilderness. 18:34
Earlier we learned that there were 200 followers of Alma, but 450 people flee from King Noah's army. It must have been hard to depart in the wilderness with so many small children, but I'm sure they are used to it.
Posted by Philip Wells at 1/31/2013 05:47:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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26 January 2013Mosiah 16-17: The end of Abinadi
Chapter 16 wraps up Abinadi's speech, and thankfully, it's the last we'll have to hear from him He continues with the usual threats (but this time quoting language from Matthew 22:13):
And then shall the wicked be cast out, and they shall have cause to howl, and weep, and wail, and gnash their teeth; and this because they would not hearken unto the voice of the Lord; therefore the Lord redeemeth them not. 16:2
But there will also be rewards for the righteous:
If they be good, to the resurrection of endless life and happiness; and if they be evil, to the resurrection of endless damnation, being delivered up to the devil, who hath subjected them, which is damnation -- 16:11
And, one last time, he calls for the sinners to repent (or at least tremble):
And now, ought ye not to tremble and repent of your sins, and remember that only in and through Christ ye can be saved? 16:13
King Noah doesn't listen. Instead, it came to pass that he commanded his priests to kill Abinadi.
And now it came to pass that when Abinadi had finished these sayings, that the king commanded that the priests should take him and cause that he should be put to death. 17:1
But his words were not spoken in vain. There was at least one who heard him. He was a descendant of Nephi, and his name was Alma.
But there was one among them whose name was Alma, he also being a descendant of Nephi. And he was a young man, and he believed the words which Abinadi had spoken, for he knew concerning the iniquity which Abinadi has testified against them; therefore he began to plead with the king that he would not be angry with Abinadi, but suffer that he might depart in peace. 17:2
But King Noah's mind was made up. He was going to kill Abinadi, and now he was going to kill Alma, too.
But the king was more wroth, and caused that Alma should be cast out from among them, and sent his servants after him that they might slay him.17:3
But Alma got away from Noah's priests, and he hid in the woods for a few days. Noah threw Abinadi in prison, and then brought him out to hear his sentence: Death. Abinadi held to his words, and threatens Noah one more time.
Now Abinadi said unto him: I say unto you, I will not recall the words which I have spoken unto you concerning this people, for they are true; and that ye may know of their surety I have suffered myself that I have fallen into your hands. 17:9
Yea, and I will suffer even until death, and I will not recall my words, and they shall stand as a testimony against you. And if ye slay me ye will shed innocent blood, and this shall also stand as a testimony against you at the last day. 17:10
This almost scares King Noah enough to release Abinadi. But then his priests goad him on, and he is forced to burn Abinadi to death. That's how it goes sometimes.
And now king Noah was about to release him, for he feared his word; for he feared that the judgments of God would come upon him.17:11
But the priests lifted up their voices against him, and began to accuse him, saying: He has reviled the king. Therefore the king was stirred up in anger against him, and he delivered him up that he might be slain.17:12
And it came to pass that they took him and bound him, and scourged his skin with faggots, yea, even unto death. 17:13
While he was burning, he cursed them pretty good. He covers all of his the basics: they will be burned, afflicted with disease, hunted by their enemies...
Ye shall be afflicted with all manner of diseases because of your iniquities. 17:16
Ye shall be hunted, and ye shall be taken by the hand of your enemies, and then ye shall suffer, as I suffer, the pains of death by fire. 17:18
Thus God executeth vengeance upon those that destroy his people. O God, receive my soul. 17:19
So Abinadi died, sealing the truth of his words by his death. (Don't worry, it didn't make sense to me, either)
And now, when Abinadi had said these words, he fell, having suffered death by fire; yea, having been put to death because he would not deny the commandments of God, having sealed the truth of his words by his death. 17:20
Posted by Philip Wells at 1/26/2013 06:34:00 PM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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24 January 20132 Machabees 9: God killed Antiochus with an incurable bowel disease
I'm in the process of adding the Apocrypha (or Deuterocanonical books) to the SAB, highlighting and annotating as I go along. In 2 Machabees 9, I came across the story of Antiochus.
Anitochus was a Seleucid king who, according to 2 Machabees, mistreated the Jews. So God paid him back by giving him "an incurable and invisible plague" that caused "a dreadful pain in his bowels ... and bitter torments of the inner parts."
The Lord the God of Israel ... struck him with an incurable and an invisible plague ... a dreadful pain in his bowels came upon him, and bitter torments of the inner parts. 2 Machabees 9:5
While Antiochus suffered from his God-given bowel disease, worms swarmed out of his body, "his flesh fell off, and the filthiness of his smell was noisome." No one could get near him because of the "intolerable stench." It got so bad, in fact, that Antiochus couldn't even "abide his own stench."
Worms swarmed out of the body of this man, and whilst he lived in sorrow and pain, his flesh fell off, and the filthiness of his smell was noisome.
The man that thought a little before he could reach to the stars of heaven, no man could endure to carry, for the intolerable stench.
Being admonished by the scourge of God, his pains increasing every moment.
He himself could not now abide his own stench. 9:9-12
As you can probably imagine, this was getting annoying to Antiochus. So he did what any wicked man would do in his situation: he became a Jew and begged God to stop tormenting him.
Then this wicked man prayed to the Lord ... to obtain mercy.
...
Yea also, that he would become a Jew himself, and would go through every place of the earth, and declare the power of God. 9:13-17
But God didn't stop. Antiochus "died a miserable death" from his God-given bowel disease
Thus the murderer and blasphemer, being grievously struck ... died a miserable death. 9:28
Or did he?
There's another story about Antiochus's death in the same book. In this one, Antiochus is smashed with stones as he entered the temple in Jerusalem. His head is cut off and his body chopped into pieces -- all with God's help and blessing, of course.
When Antiochus was come in: and opening a secret entrance of the temple, they cast stones and slew the leader, and them that were with him, and hewed them in pieces, and cutting off their heads they threw them forth. Blessed be God in all things, who hath delivered up the wicked. 2 Machabees 1:16-17
Although neither story is true, both give God the credit, so so will I.
(There's another account of Antiochus's death in 1 Machabees 6:1-16, in which he is scared to death by the Jews, without any clear involvement from God. No mention is made of bowels, worms, stench, dropped stones, decapitation, or dismemberment.)
25 Jan 13 note: Added How did Antiochus die? to the contradictions.
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/24/2013 04:31:00 PM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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20 January 2013Mosiah 15: O, how beautiful upon the mountains are their feet!
In Mosiah 15, Abinadi continues his speech. He's done quoting Isaiah, and now he's getting to the important bit about Jesus and God, who are the same guy as it turns out. Here we go:
Abinadi said unto them: I would that ye should understand that God himself shall come down among the children of men, and shall redeem his people. 15:1
And because he dwelleth in flesh he shall be called the Son of God, and having subjected the flesh to the will of the Father, being the Father and the Son. 15:2
The Father, because he was conceived by the power of God; and the Son, because of the flesh; thus becoming the Father and Son 15:3
And they are one God, yea, the very Eternal Father of heaven and of earth. 15:4
And thus the flesh becoming subject to the Spirit, or the Son to the Father, being one God... 15:5
In case you didn't get enough Isaiah last chapter, Abinadi has sprinkled some more of this wise book into his speech:
And these are they who have published peace, who have brought good tidings of good, who have published salvation; and said unto Zion: Thy God reigneth!15:14
And now he starts talking about the folks who are spreading the word about God. They must have had some nice feet, because he just can't stop talking about it.
And O how beautiful upon the mountains were their feet! 15:15
Lets hear it once more! (In case you missed it)
And again, how beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of those that are still publishing peace! 15:16
One more time, with feeling!
And again, how beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of those who shall hereafter publish peace, yea, from this time henceforth and forever! 15:17
But wait! That's not all!
And behold, I say unto you, this is not all. For O how beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings, that is the founder of peace, yea, even the Lord, who has redeemed his people; yea, him who has granted salvation unto his people. 15:18
One day, everyone on the planet will have heard the teachings of the Mormons. (This is why they have so many missionaries out there...)
And now I say unto you that the time shall come that the salvation of the Lord shall be declared to every nation, kindred, tongue, and people. 15:28
Then he finishes up the chapter with a few more quotes from Isaiah 52:
Yea, Lord, thy watchmen shall lift up their voice; with the voice together shall they sing; for they shall see eye to eye, when the Lord shall bring again Zion. 15:29
Break forth into joy, sing together, ye waste places of Jerusalem; for the Lord hath comforted his people, he hath redeemed Jerusalem. 15:30
The Lord hath made bare his holy arm in the eyes of all the nations; and all the ends of the earth shall see the salvation of our God. 15:31
Posted by Philip Wells at 1/20/2013 05:23:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 January 2013God is as strong as a unicorn (You can't prove a negative)
"God ... is as strong as a unicorn." Numbers 23:22
Believers (and many skeptics) often say that you can't disprove the existence of God because you can't prove a negative.
But if that is true for God, isn't it also true for unicorns?
How do we know that unicorns don't exist?
(How could God be stronger than a nonexistent being?)
For these and other important questions, see Stephen Law's post, "You Can't Prove a Negative".
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/16/2013 09:41:00 AM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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12 January 2013Mosiah 14: A Complete Waste of a Golden Plate
In the last chapter, Mosiah 13, Abinadi was busy lecturing Noah and his priests about the 10 Commandments. Without explanation, he starts quoting his favorite book of the bible, Isaiah (chapter 53).
I would call it plagiarism, but he did cite his source.
Yea, even doth not Isaiah say: Who hath believed our report, and to whom is the arm of the Lord revealed? 4.1
Mosiah must have had a pretty good memory, though, to directly quote the King James Version of the Bible (Which wouldn't be translated for another 1,700+ years...)
So after this speech was written on plates, Joseph Smith did a pretty good job translating it, since it is a word-for-word duplicate of the King James Version of Isaiah 53. (Not to mention the fact that the translators of the KJV were 100% accurate). To translate so accurately, Joseph Smith must have had a pretty good knowledge of reformed Egyptian. I don't know that much about it, mainly because it doesn't exist.
Here's the rest of Mosiah 14 (or Isaiah 53) in case anyone out there is interested or suffering from insomnia and needs to be put to sleep.
For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant, and as a root out of dry ground; he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him there is no beauty that we should desire him.
14:2
He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. 14.3
Surely he has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows; yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. 14:4
But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. 14:5
All we, like sheep, have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquities of us all. 14:6
He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb so he opened not his mouth. 14:7
He was taken from prison and from judgment; and who shall declare his generation? For he was cut off out of the land of the living; for the transgressions of my people was he stricken. 14:8
And he made his grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death; because he had done no evil, neither was any deceit in his mouth. 14:9
Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise him; he hath put him to grief; when thou shalt make his soul an offering for sin he shall see his seed, he shall prolong his days, and the pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in his hand. 14:10
He shall see the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied; by his knowledge shall my righteous servant justify many; for he shall bear their iniquities. 14:11
Therefore will I divide him a portion with the great, and he shall divide the spoil with the strong; because he hath poured out his soul unto death; and he was numbered with the transgressors; and he bore the sins of many, and made intercession for the transgressors. 14:12
If you made it this far, you might be saying to yourself, "Sounds like he's talking about Jesus!" Well, you're not the first one. Christian apologists often claim that Isaiah is talking about Jesus here, but Jewish people think he is actually talking about Israel.
Either way, it seems strangely out of place in the middle of Abinadi's speech.
Posted by Philip Wells at 1/12/2013 03:44:00 PM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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11 January 2013President Obama should follow Kyrsten Sinema's example: Swear on the Constitution, not the Bible
On January 20th, President Obama will be sworn in to his second term in office on a stack of Bibles -- using Michelle's family Bible, the Bible Abraham Lincoln used in his first inaugural, and Martin Luther King's Bible.
Which, of course, is triply ridiculous.
As Lawrence O'Donnell so rightly said in his January 10th "Rewrite",
The president, following one of our most absurd traditions in the government that invented the separation of church and state, will put his hand on this book filled with things he does not believe, filled with things that no one in the United States of America believes, and with his hand on this book he will recite the oath of office. And his hand on this book is actually supposed to make you believe that he really believes what he is saying in the oath of office even though the book is filled with things that you and he do not believe.
Wouldn't it be better for the president to be sworn with his hand on the same document that he swears to preserve, protect, and defend in his inaugural oath -- the U.S. Constitution?
That's what the newly-elected Rep. Kyrsten Sinema (D-AZ) did when she took her oath of office.
President Obama should go and do likewise.
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/11/2013 08:21:00 AM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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07 January 2013A Jefferson Bible for the Twenty-first Century
A Jefferson Bible For the Twenty-First Century
The American Humanist Association has just published a new book -- A Jefferson Bible for the Twenty-first Century. It includes the entire text of the original "Jefferson Bible," along with lists of the best and the worst passages from the Gospels, Hebrew scriptures, Book of Mormon, Quran, the Bhagavadgita, and Buddhist sutras.
Thomas Jefferson created "The Jefferson Bible" (or, as he called it, "The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth") by cutting the best verses of the gospels and pasting them into one coherent story. He removed all of the miracles and traces of the supernatural, including the virgin birth and resurrection, and only included the best teachings of Jesus, leaving behind the more nasty stuff. Here is how he described it:
I have performed this operation for my own use, by cutting verse by verse out of the printed book, and arranging the matter which is evidently his [Jesus's], and which is as easily distinguishable as diamonds in a dunghill. The result is an octavo of forty-six pages, of pure and unsophisticated doctrines.
The AHA's new book is well worth the price for its inclusion of the Jefferson Bible alone. And the lists of the best and worst in each of the (supposedly) holy books are extremely useful.
I was, however, a bit disappointed by the lists. They were quite short (3 or 4 pages in each list) and they seemed to leave out many verses that should have been included, and to include many that should have been left out
Of course, lists of this nature are necessarily subjective; what seems bad to one person may seem good to another. Still, there are thousands of bad verses in the Bible and hundreds of good ones (with similar, though somewhat smaller, numbers for the Quran and Book of Mormon). So it seems to me that three dozen or so of the "best" (or "worst") verses should, at the very least, seem good (or bad) to everyone.
Here, for example, are some of the book's more questionable "best" and "worst" selections from the Bible, Quran, and Book of Mormon.
The worst from the gospels?
John answered and said, A man can receive nothing except it be given him from heaven. John 3:27 (OK, this verse is absurd. But is it one of the worst?)
The best of the Hebrew Bible?
The first five passages in the "Best of the Hebrew Bible" are from Genesis (13:8; 18:22-25; 33:3-4, 8-11; 39:7-9; 50:18-21). I don't see much good in them (or anything else in Genesis, for that matter).
And Moses chose able men out of all Israel, and made them heads over the people, rulers of thousands, rulers of hundreds, rulers of fifties, and rulers of tens. And they judged the people at all seasons: the hard causes they brought unto Moses, but every small matter they judged themselves. Exodus 18:25-26 (That's nice, but is it that nice?)
The worst of the Hebrew Bible?
Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard. Leviticus 19:27
Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together. Deuteronomy 22:11
(OK, these are silly rules, but do they belong on the top 40 list of worst passages in the Old Testament?)
The best of the Quran? (I guess these are good. I'll take their word for it.)
And let not thy hand be chained to thy neck nor open it with a complete opening, lest thou sit down rebuked, denuded. 17:29
Lo! with hardship goeth ease. 94:6
The worst of the Quran? (The AHA made a good selection here. Of course, there is a lot to choose from.)
The best of the Book of Mormon?
Now, he says that the Lord has talked with him, and also that angels have ministered unto him. But behold, we know that he lies unto us; and he tells us these things, and he worketh many things by his cunning arts, that he may deceive our eyes, thinking, perhaps, that he may lead us away into some strange wilderness; and after he has led us away, he has thought to make himself a king and a ruler over us, that he may do with us according to his will and pleasure. And after this manner did my brother Laman stir up their hearts to anger. 1 Nephi 16:38
Now it is not common that the voice of the people desireth anything contrary to that which is right; but it is common for the lesser part of the people to desire that which is not right; therefore this shall ye observe and make it your law -- to do your business by the voice of the people. Mosiah 29:26
For as their laws and their governments were established by the voice of the people, and they who chose evil were more numerous than they who chose good, therefore they were ripening for destruction, for the laws had become corrupted. Helaman 5:2
The worst of the Book of Mormon?
Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils; for wherein is he to be accounted of? 2 Nephi 12:22
What, do ye suppose that mercy can rob justice? I say unto you, Nay; not one whit. If so, God would cease to be God. Alma 42:25
O how great is the nothingness of the children of men; yea, even they are less than the dust of the earth. Helaman 12:7
Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? 3 Nephi 13:27
Still, the lists in the book were useful to me, since there were quite a few verses that I hadn't yet marked in the SAB. And while they wouldn't make my best and worst lists, they they are worth highlighting, and I have since done so.
Here are the new additions to the SAB that I found in the book:
Bad stuff in the gospels:
John answered and said, A man can receive nothing except it be given him from heaven. John 3:27
Every plant, which my heavenly Father hath not planted, shall be rooted up. Matthew 15:13
Good stuff the Hebrew Bible:
If thy brother be waxen poor, and fallen in decay with thee; then thou shalt relieve him: yea, though he be a stranger, or a sojourner; that he may live with thee. Leviticus 25:35
Cursed be he that perverteth the judgment of the stranger, fatherless, and widow. And all the people shall say, Amen. Deuteronomy 27:18
Cursed be he that perverteth the judgment of the stranger, fatherless, and widow. And all the people shall say, Amen. Deuteronomy 27:19
The path of the just is as the shining light. Psalm 4:18
Fools die for want of wisdom. Proverbs 10:21
There is that maketh himself rich, yet hath nothing: there is that maketh himself poor, yet hath great riches. Proverbs 13:7
Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay. Ecclesiastes 5:5
Bad stuff in the Hebrew Bible:
Of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it. Genesis 2:17
Bad stuff in the Quran:
Make not Allah, by your oaths, a hindrance to ... making peace among mankind. 2:224
If the debtor is in straitened circumstances, then (let there be) postponement to (the time of) ease. 2:280
Good stuff in the Book of Mormon:
Teach them to never be weary of good works. Alma 37:34
See that ye are not lifted up unto pride; yea, see that ye do not boast in your own wisdom, nor of your much strength. Alma 38:11
Ye should do alms unto the poor; but take heed that ye do not your alms before men to be seen of them ... ye shall do your alms do not sound a trumpet before you. 3 Nephi 13:1-2
Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them. 3 Nephi 14:12
Why do ye ... suffer the hungry, and the needy, and the naked, and the sick and the afflicted to pass by you, and notice them not? Mormon 8:39
Bad stuff in the Book of Mormon:
For I say unto you that whatsoever is good cometh from God, and whatsoever is evil cometh from the devil. Alma 5:40
Alma cried unto the Lord, saying: O Lord our God, have mercy on this man, and heal him according to his faith which is in Christ. And when Alma had said these words, Zeezrom leaped upon his feet, and began to walk. Alma 15:10-11
On the whole, it's an interesting book that would be a useful addition to anyone's library.
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10 Jan 13 update: The American Humanist Association is sending a copy of this book to President Obama and all 535 members of Congress.
17 Jan 13: Todd Stiefel President of the Stiefel Freethought Foundation discusses "A Jefferson Bible for the Twenty-First Century."
Also available at the Apple book store
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/07/2013 05:00:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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02 January 2013Mosiah 12-13: Abinadi's Trial
Chapter 12 starts out telling us that Abinadi has somehow managed to remain hidden from Noah's guards for 2 years, and and then he came back in disguise, to prophesy again to the people. He blew his cover awfully quick, though. He quoted the Lord, and unfortunately the Lord used his name directly. (Shoot! I put on a fake mustache and everything!)
And it came to pass that after the space of two years that Abinadi came among them in disguise, that they knew him not, and began to prophesy among them, saying: Thus has the Lord commanded me, saying -- Abinadi, go and prophesy unto this my people, for they have hardened their hearts against my words. 12:1
Abinadi says that the Lord says that "this generation" will be killed and their dead bodies fed to the vultures, dogs, and wild beasts. God will strap loads on their backs like they were a bunch of dumb asses, make them howl all day long, send hail to smite them and insects to pester them, and then he'll kill them all with disease and starvation. When God gets done with them there will be nothing left but the "record they shall leave behind them" (written on golden or brass plates, no doubt).
Thus saith the Lord, it shall come to pass that this generation ... shall be slain; and the vultures of the air, and the dogs, yea, and the wild beasts, shall devour their flesh. 12:2
And it shall come to pass that I will smite this my people with sore afflictions, yea, with famine and with pestilence; and I will cause that they shall howl all the day long. 12:4
I will cause that they shall have burdens lashed upon their backs; and they shall be driven before like a dumb ass. 12:5
I will send forth hail among them ... and insects shall pester their land also, and devour their grain. 12:6
I will utterly destroy them from off the face of the earth; yet they shall leave a record behind them. ... And many things did Abinadi prophesy against this people. 12:8
They brought Abinabi to King Noah and told him what Abinabi said that the Lord said about him: that he was like a burning garment, a dry stalk that is trampled on by beasts, and (worst of all) like the blossoms of the thistle.
And it came to pass that they were angry with him; and they took him and carried him bound before the king, and said unto the king: Behold, we have brought a man before thee who has prophesied evil concerning thy people, and saith that God will destroy them. 12:9
He also ... saith that thy life shall be as a garment in a furnace of fire. 12:10
He saith that thou shalt be ... a dry stalk of the field, which is run over by the beasts and trodden under foot. 12:11
He saith thou shalt be as the blossoms of a thistle. 12:12
When King Noah heard about Abinadi's prophesying, he threw Abinadi in prison and called his priests to a meeting to decide what to do with him.
And it came to pass that king Noah caused that Abinadi should be cast into prison; and he commanded that the priests should gather themselves together that he might hold a council with them what he should do with him. 12:17
The priests started interrogating Abinadi, but somehow he managed to start asking the questions.
And now Abinadi said unto them: Are you priests, and pretend to teach this people, and to understand the spirit of prophesying, and yet desire to know of me what these things mean?12:25
Therefore, what teach ye this people? 12:27
They try to defend themselves, but Abinadi is too clever for them. He pioneers the argument tactic of calling your opponent a whore, insisting that you are right, and then quoting the bible. People have been using it ever since.
And they said: We teach the law of Moses. 12:28
And again he said unto them: If ye teach the law of Moses why do ye not keep it? Why do ye set your hearts upon riches? Why do ye commit whoredoms and spend your strength with harlots, yea, and cause this people to commit sin, that the Lord has cause to send me to prophesy against this people, yea, even a great evil against this people? 12:29
Ye know that I speak the truth; and you ought to tremble before God. 12:30
Thou shalt have no other God before me.12:35
Now Abinadi said unto them, Have ye done all this? I say unto you, Nay, ye have not. And have ye taught this people that they should do all these things? I say unto you, Nay, ye have not. 12:37
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Just in case you want the DVD version.
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Mosiah 13
Noah is getting sick of Abinadi's preaching. He orders his men to grab Abinadi, but they can't. Apparently God will smite them if they do.
And they stood forth and attempted to lay their hands on him; but he withstood them, and said unto them: 13:2
Touch me not, for God shall smite you if ye lay your hands upon me. 13:3
So it looks like they are stuck listening to him, and so are we. He finishes going through the 10 commandments, and rambles on about all of the usual stuff: stiffnecked people, salvation, the coming of the Lord.
The most notable part of his speech is when he talks about the law of Moses. He says that we should keep with the law of Moses for now, but there will come a time when we will need to abandon it. Also, salvation doesn't come simply from following the Law of Moses. There's more to it than that.
And now ye have said that salvation cometh by the law of Moses. I say unto you that it is expedient that ye should keep the law of Moses as yet; but I say unto you, that the time shall come when it shall no more be expedient to keep the law of Moses. 13:27
And moreover, I say unto you, that salvation doth not come by the law alone; and were it not for the atonement, which God himself shall make for the sins and iniquities of his people, that they must unavoidably perish, notwithstanding the law of Moses. 13:28
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The next chapter is straight out of Isaiah, but after that we have more of Abinadi's riveting speech. Until then!
Posted by Philip Wells at 1/02/2013 01:21:00 PM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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1 Machabees 6-7: Elephants, sleeping soldiers, and a hanging head and hand
The killings in the first part of this story can't be blamed on God. Still, I have to tell you about them. Because of the elephants.
There was this battle, you see, between the Greeks and the Israelites. The Greek army had 100,000 footmen and 20,000 horsemen and 32 elephants.
The number of his army was an hundred thousand footmen, and twenty thousand horsemen, and thirty-two elephants, trained to battle. 6:30
To get the elephants ready for battle they showed them "the blood of grapes, and mulberries." (Nothing gets an elephant riled up more than seeing grape and mulberry blood.)
And they shewed the elephants the blood of grapes, and mulberries to provoke them to fight. 6:34
Each elephant had 1000 men and 500 horsemen, with a tower on top of each elephant and an engine on top of the tower, with 32 valiant fighting men on top of each tower, and an Indian to rule the elephant.
There stood by every elephant a thousand men ... and five hundred horsemen set in order were chosen for every beast. 6:35
Wheresoever the beast was, the were there: and withersoever it went, they went. 6:36
And upon the beast, there were strong wooden towers ... and engines upon them: and upon every one thirty-two valiant men, who fought from above; and an Indian to rule the beast. 6:37
Luckily for the Israelites, Eleazar (one of the Maccabees brothers) was with them. When the battle began, he saw an elephant that was bigger than all the others. Since it was so big, he figured the king ought to be on it. So he ran up to the elephant, killing soldiers left and right, going between the feet of the big elephant and killing it. Whereupon the elephant fell on him and killed him too. But at least he got himself an everlasting name.
Eleazar ... saw one of the beasts ... and it was higher than the other beasts: and it seemed to him that the king was on it. 6:43
And he exposed himself to deliver his people and to get himself an everlasting name. 6:44
And he ran up to it boldly in the midst of the legion, killing on the right hand, and on the left, and they fell by him on this side and that side. 6:45
And he went between the feet of the elephant, and put himself under it: and slew it, and it fell to the ground upon him, and he died there. 6:46
It probably looked a lot like this:
As far as I can see, God's not really involved in any of this. So I left it out of God's killings. But in the next chapter, God is there.
It all begins with the Israelite priests weeping and praying to God in the temple, asking God to let Nicanor and his army fall by the sword for their blasphemies.
The priests went in, and stood before the face of the altar and the temple: and weeping, they said ... Be avenged of this man, and his army, and let them fall by the sword: remember their blasphemies. 7:36-38
Judas asked God to kill the Nicanor's soldiers the way he killed 185,000 in Sennacherib's army. (Sennacherib supposedly blasphemed God, so God killed 185,000 of his soldiers while they were sleeping. Very resourceful!)
Judas prayed, and said: O Lord, when they that were sent by king Sennacherib blasphemed thee, an angel went out, and slew of them a hundred and eighty-five thousand. 7:40-41
Destroy this army in our sight today. 7:42
So God helped Judas kill Nicanor and his army. First they killed Nicanor and the rest was easy. All of Nicanor's soldiers threw down their weapons and ran away. The Israelites slaughtered them all as they ran.
And the armies joined battle ... and the army of Nicanor was defeated, and he himself was first slain in the battle. 7:43
And when his army saw that Nicanor was slain, they threw away their weapons, and fled. 7:44
And they were all slain with the sword, and there was not left of them so much as one. 7:46
Then they cut off Nicanor's head and hand and hung them up over Jerusalem. "And the people rejoiced exceedingly, and they spent that day with great joy."
And they took the spoils of them for a booty, and they cut off Nicanor's head, and his right hand ... and they brought it, and hung it up over against Jerusalem. 7:47
And the people rejoiced exceedingly, and they spent that day with great joy. 7:48
Nothing can cheer God's people up more than a hanging head and hand.
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So how many did God help kill in this exciting episode?
The story in 1 Machabees doesn't provide a number, but 2 Maccabees does.
So fighting with their hands, but praying to the Lord with their hearts, they slew no less than five and thirty thousand, being greatly cheered with the presence of God. 2 Machabees 15:27
So we can add another 35,000 to God's body count.
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The 2 Machabees account also provides some gory details that are missing in 1 Machabees. Here we find that not only was Nicanor's head and hand cut off, but his shoulder was as well.
Judas ... commanded that Nicanor's head, and his hand with the shoulder should be cut off, and carried to Jerusalem. 2 Machabees 15:30
And Judas not only showed everyone Nicanor's head and "wicked hand," but he had his tongue cut out and fed, piece by piece, to the birds. Then he hung the hand and head over the temple and castle, respectively, as "an evident and manifest sign of the help of God."
And shewing them the head of Nicanor, and the wicked hand ... he commanded also, that the tongue of the wicked Nicanor, should be cut out and given by pieces to birds, and the hand of the furious man to be hanged up over against the temple. ...
And he hung up Nicanor's head in the top of the castle, that it might be an evident and manifest sign of the help of God. 2 Machabees 15:32-35
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/02/2013 09:30:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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26 February 2013Jesus H. Christ: Does anyone know his name?
The answer to that question is "No", according to the Bible anyway.
His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. Revelation 19:12
So although we know what Jesus looks like (he has flaming red eyes and wears many crowns on this head -- you'll know him when you see him), we don't know his name. No one does.
Except for those that do, that is.
Like his foster father, Joseph, who named him Jesus. (An angel told him what to name him in a dream.)
The angel of the LORD appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS. Matthew 1:21
And Matthew (misinterpreting Isaiah), who said he'd be named Emmanuel.
A virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel. Matthew 1:23
Remember how the book of Revelation said that nobody knows Jesus' name? Well, I guess the author didn't include himself. Here are some of his favorite names for Jesus.
I am Alpha and Omega. Revelation 1:8
Behold, the Lion of the tribe of Juda, the Root of David, hath prevailed to open the book, and to loose the seven seals thereof. Revelation 5:5
I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. Revelation 19:11
He was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God. Revelation 9:13
He hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. Revelation 19:16 (What does Jesus have written on his testicles?)
I am the root and the offspring of David, and the bright and morning star. Revelation 22:16 (How are Jesus and Satan alike?)
So Jesus, contrary to Revelation 19:12, has lots of names. And I have another contradiction to add to the SAB. (Here it is.)
(ht Stephen Weeks)
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/26/2013 04:30:00 PM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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21 February 2013Believing Bullshit
We all do it now and then to a certain degree, anyway -- believe things that are demonstrably untrue.
Now there's a book to help us stop doing that: Believing Bullshit by Stephen Law.
The entire book is a delight to read, filled with wit and wisdom on every page. But the part that I liked the best was saved for last: The Tapescrew Letters, a hilarious response to C.S. Lewis' silly set of sanctimonious letters with a similar name (The Screwtape Letters).
There are eight chapters that deal with the most common ways that we deceive ourselves.
Playing the Mystery Card
"But It Fits!" and The Blunderbuss
Going Nuclear
Moving the Semantic Goalposts
"I Just Know!"
Pseudoprofundity
Piling Up the Anecdotes
Pressing Your Buttons
They're all great, but I especially like the section "You Can't Prove A Negative" in Chapter 1, where Dr. Law explains, "If 'you can't prove a negative' means that you can't prove beyond a reasonable doubt that certain things don't exist, then the claim is just false."
This is a book that everyone should read. It's time for us all to stop believing bullshit.
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/21/2013 09:15:00 AM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 February 2013Is it OK to use perfume?
I was watching the 1966 movie "Hawaii" last night, when I came upon this dialog:
Jerusha Hale: I felt so good after my bath that I washed my skin with oil of lilac.
Abner Hale: I smell it. (Pause) Moses forbad the use of perfume.
Jerusha: Proverbs say that ointment and perfume rejoice the heart.
Abner: Isaiah cursed the women who used perfume and abased themselves unto hell.
Jerusha: Esther perfumed herself for a whole year.
Abner: She was under compulsion.
Jerusha: Oh, I think you just like the smell of perfume on my skin.
I suppose I should provide some context for those who haven't seen the movie.
Abner Hale is a Calvinist minister sent to Hawaii in the 1820s to convert the pagans. On the sea voyage, Abner's wife, Jerusha, tries to seduce her husband by wearing perfume. The biblical argument ensues, and apparently Jerusha wins since a son is conceived during the voyage.
But who had the more biblically correct argument?
Here are the relevant verses.
Jerusha's:
Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart. Proverbs 27:9
Esther was brought also unto the king's house ... Now when every maid's turn was come to go in to king Ahasuerus, after that she had been twelve months, according to the manner of the women, (for so were the days of their purifications accomplished, to wit, six months with oil of myrrh, and six months with sweet odours). Esther 2:8-12
Abner's:
As for the perfume which thou shalt make, ye shall not make to yourselves ... it shall be unto thee holy for the LORD. Exodus 30:37
Because the daughters of Zion are haughty ... the LORD will discover their secret parts ... And it shall come to pass, that instead of sweet smell there shall be stink. Isaiah 3:16-24
It's a tough one, isn't it? Two to two, with no verse clearly taking precedence. But maybe Abner and Jerusha left out some verses. If you know of any, let me know.
In any case, I added another contradiction to the SAB - Is it OK to use perfume?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In his comment, Daryl pointed out that Jesus had his feet washed with expensive perfume, and he didn't mind a bit. In fact, it seems like he got a kick out of it. Here's how the NIV puts it:
Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus' feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume. John 12:3
So that pretty well settles it. Jerusha was right. If perfume was good enough for Jesus' feet, it's good enough for anybody's anything.
I'll add John 12:3 to the contradiction. Thanks Daryl!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And teavee found the correct anti-perfume verse from Isaiah that Abner referred to in his dispute with Jerusha -- Isaiah 57:9.
And thou wentest to the king with ointment, and didst increase thy perfumes ... and didst debase thyself even unto hell.
And an anti-perfume verse from Proverbs (7:17). (See vv.5-27 for the context.)
Thanks teavee!
(I've also changed the contradiction name to "Is it OK to use perfume?", as teavee suggested.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And thanks also to Nate for the references to Luke 7:37-38 and Mark 14:1-9.
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/18/2013 09:53:00 AM 13 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 February 2013The books have arrived!
We are busy packing them up and shipping them out to everyone who pre-ordered.
You'll get an email when your signed copy goes out.
Thanks, everybody!
Steve and Phil
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/16/2013 12:57:00 AM 11 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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11 February 2013We have a new pope!
(ht Stephen Weeks)
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/11/2013 09:18:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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08 February 2013Mosiah 19: Lamanite Attack!
In the last chapter, King Noah sent his army after Alma and his people. They managed to escape the pursuing army (with the help of God, no doubt). When the king's army returned, there was a division among the people. One strong man, Gideon, sought to slay the king.
And now there was a man among them whose name was Gideon, and he being a strong man and an enemy to the king, therefore he drew his sword, and swore in his wrath that he would slay the king. 19:4
Gideon and the king fought, and just as Gideon was about to slay him, King Noah ran away to his tower. Once Gideon caught up with him, Noah saw that the Lamanites were preparing to attack the city. He saw it as the perfect opportunity to bargain for his life. He told Gideon that he shouldn't kill him now, or else his people will be killed by the Lamanites. His ploy works, and Gideon spares his life.
And Gideon pursued after him and was about to get upon the tower to slay the king, and the king cast his eyes round about towards the land of Shemlon, and behold, the army of the Lamanites were within the borders of the land. 19:6
And now the king cried out in the anguish of his soul, saying: Gideon, spare me, for the Lamanites are upon us, and they will destroy us; yea, they will destroy my people. 19:7
And now the king was not so much concerned about his people as he was about his own life; nevertheless, Gideon did spare his life. 19:8
Noah commanded his people to flee into the wilderness. They do, but the Lamanites quickly catch up and start killing people.
And the king commanded the people that they should flee before the Lamanites, and he himself did go before them, and they did flee into the wilderness, with their women and their children. 19:9
And it came to pass that the Lamanites did pursue them, and did overtake them, and began to slay them. 19:10
Then Noah tells his people to abandon their wives and children, and to run for their lives. Some of them do, and the others choose to stay and try and defend their families by other means: whoring out their daughters.
Now it came to pass that the king commanded them that all the men should leave their wives and their children, and flee before the Lamanites. 19:11
Now there were many that would not leave them, but had rather stay and perish with them. And the rest left their wives and their children and fled. 19:12
And it came to pass that those who tarried with their wives and their children caused that their fair daughters should stand forth and plead with the Lamanites that they would not slay them. 19:13
And it came to pass that the Lamanites had compassion on them, for they were charmed with the beauty of their women. 19:14
So the Lamanites took them captive, and let them live their lives relatively unchanged, except for a 50% tax. (Geez, I thought King Noah's tax was high!)
Therefore the Lamanites did spare their lives, and took them captives and carried them back to the land of Nephi, and granted unto them that they might possess the land, under the conditions that they would deliver up king Noah into the hands of the Lamanites, and deliver up their property, even one half of all they possessed, one half of their gold, and their silver, and all their precious things, and thus they should pay tribute to the king of the Lamanites from year to year. 19:15
Limhi, the new "King", agreed to this Draconian tax. He didn't have much choice, though. The Lamanite king drove a hard bargain.
And it came to pass that the king of the Lamanites made an oath unto them, that his people should not slay them. 19:25
And also Limhi, being the son of the king, having the kingdom conferred upon him by the people, made oath unto the king of the Lamanites that his people should pay tribute unto him, even one half of all they possessed. 19:26
The Lamanite king was clever, though. He knew that Limhi's people might try running away again, so he posted guards around the city. In spite of the crippling tax that was upon them, there was continual peace in the land for two years.
And the king of the Lamanites set guards round about the land, that he might keep the people of Limhi in the land, that they might not depart into the wilderness; and he did support his guards out of the tribute which he did receive from the Nephites. 19:28
And now king Limhi did have continual peace in his kingdom for the space of two years, that the Lamanites did not molest them nor seek to destroy them. 19:29
Posted by Philip Wells at 2/08/2013 01:14:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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26 February 2013Jesus H. Christ: Does anyone know his name?
The answer to that question is "No", according to the Bible anyway.
His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. Revelation 19:12
So although we know what Jesus looks like (he has flaming red eyes and wears many crowns on this head -- you'll know him when you see him), we don't know his name. No one does.
Except for those that do, that is.
Like his foster father, Joseph, who named him Jesus. (An angel told him what to name him in a dream.)
The angel of the LORD appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS. Matthew 1:21
And Matthew (misinterpreting Isaiah), who said he'd be named Emmanuel.
A virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel. Matthew 1:23
Remember how the book of Revelation said that nobody knows Jesus' name? Well, I guess the author didn't include himself. Here are some of his favorite names for Jesus.
I am Alpha and Omega. Revelation 1:8
Behold, the Lion of the tribe of Juda, the Root of David, hath prevailed to open the book, and to loose the seven seals thereof. Revelation 5:5
I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. Revelation 19:11
He was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God. Revelation 9:13
He hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. Revelation 19:16 (What does Jesus have written on his testicles?)
I am the root and the offspring of David, and the bright and morning star. Revelation 22:16 (How are Jesus and Satan alike?)
So Jesus, contrary to Revelation 19:12, has lots of names. And I have another contradiction to add to the SAB. (Here it is.)
(ht Stephen Weeks)
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/26/2013 04:30:00 PM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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21 February 2013Believing Bullshit
We all do it now and then to a certain degree, anyway -- believe things that are demonstrably untrue.
Now there's a book to help us stop doing that: Believing Bullshit by Stephen Law.
The entire book is a delight to read, filled with wit and wisdom on every page. But the part that I liked the best was saved for last: The Tapescrew Letters, a hilarious response to C.S. Lewis' silly set of sanctimonious letters with a similar name (The Screwtape Letters).
There are eight chapters that deal with the most common ways that we deceive ourselves.
Playing the Mystery Card
"But It Fits!" and The Blunderbuss
Going Nuclear
Moving the Semantic Goalposts
"I Just Know!"
Pseudoprofundity
Piling Up the Anecdotes
Pressing Your Buttons
They're all great, but I especially like the section "You Can't Prove A Negative" in Chapter 1, where Dr. Law explains, "If 'you can't prove a negative' means that you can't prove beyond a reasonable doubt that certain things don't exist, then the claim is just false."
This is a book that everyone should read. It's time for us all to stop believing bullshit.
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/21/2013 09:15:00 AM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 February 2013Is it OK to use perfume?
I was watching the 1966 movie "Hawaii" last night, when I came upon this dialog:
Jerusha Hale: I felt so good after my bath that I washed my skin with oil of lilac.
Abner Hale: I smell it. (Pause) Moses forbad the use of perfume.
Jerusha: Proverbs say that ointment and perfume rejoice the heart.
Abner: Isaiah cursed the women who used perfume and abased themselves unto hell.
Jerusha: Esther perfumed herself for a whole year.
Abner: She was under compulsion.
Jerusha: Oh, I think you just like the smell of perfume on my skin.
I suppose I should provide some context for those who haven't seen the movie.
Abner Hale is a Calvinist minister sent to Hawaii in the 1820s to convert the pagans. On the sea voyage, Abner's wife, Jerusha, tries to seduce her husband by wearing perfume. The biblical argument ensues, and apparently Jerusha wins since a son is conceived during the voyage.
But who had the more biblically correct argument?
Here are the relevant verses.
Jerusha's:
Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart. Proverbs 27:9
Esther was brought also unto the king's house ... Now when every maid's turn was come to go in to king Ahasuerus, after that she had been twelve months, according to the manner of the women, (for so were the days of their purifications accomplished, to wit, six months with oil of myrrh, and six months with sweet odours). Esther 2:8-12
Abner's:
As for the perfume which thou shalt make, ye shall not make to yourselves ... it shall be unto thee holy for the LORD. Exodus 30:37
Because the daughters of Zion are haughty ... the LORD will discover their secret parts ... And it shall come to pass, that instead of sweet smell there shall be stink. Isaiah 3:16-24
It's a tough one, isn't it? Two to two, with no verse clearly taking precedence. But maybe Abner and Jerusha left out some verses. If you know of any, let me know.
In any case, I added another contradiction to the SAB - Is it OK to use perfume?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In his comment, Daryl pointed out that Jesus had his feet washed with expensive perfume, and he didn't mind a bit. In fact, it seems like he got a kick out of it. Here's how the NIV puts it:
Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus' feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume. John 12:3
So that pretty well settles it. Jerusha was right. If perfume was good enough for Jesus' feet, it's good enough for anybody's anything.
I'll add John 12:3 to the contradiction. Thanks Daryl!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And teavee found the correct anti-perfume verse from Isaiah that Abner referred to in his dispute with Jerusha -- Isaiah 57:9.
And thou wentest to the king with ointment, and didst increase thy perfumes ... and didst debase thyself even unto hell.
And an anti-perfume verse from Proverbs (7:17). (See vv.5-27 for the context.)
Thanks teavee!
(I've also changed the contradiction name to "Is it OK to use perfume?", as teavee suggested.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And thanks also to Nate for the references to Luke 7:37-38 and Mark 14:1-9.
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/18/2013 09:53:00 AM 13 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 February 2013The books have arrived!
We are busy packing them up and shipping them out to everyone who pre-ordered.
You'll get an email when your signed copy goes out.
Thanks, everybody!
Steve and Phil
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/16/2013 12:57:00 AM 11 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Reactions:
11 February 2013We have a new pope!
(ht Stephen Weeks)
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/11/2013 09:18:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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08 February 2013Mosiah 19: Lamanite Attack!
In the last chapter, King Noah sent his army after Alma and his people. They managed to escape the pursuing army (with the help of God, no doubt). When the king's army returned, there was a division among the people. One strong man, Gideon, sought to slay the king.
And now there was a man among them whose name was Gideon, and he being a strong man and an enemy to the king, therefore he drew his sword, and swore in his wrath that he would slay the king. 19:4
Gideon and the king fought, and just as Gideon was about to slay him, King Noah ran away to his tower. Once Gideon caught up with him, Noah saw that the Lamanites were preparing to attack the city. He saw it as the perfect opportunity to bargain for his life. He told Gideon that he shouldn't kill him now, or else his people will be killed by the Lamanites. His ploy works, and Gideon spares his life.
And Gideon pursued after him and was about to get upon the tower to slay the king, and the king cast his eyes round about towards the land of Shemlon, and behold, the army of the Lamanites were within the borders of the land. 19:6
And now the king cried out in the anguish of his soul, saying: Gideon, spare me, for the Lamanites are upon us, and they will destroy us; yea, they will destroy my people. 19:7
And now the king was not so much concerned about his people as he was about his own life; nevertheless, Gideon did spare his life. 19:8
Noah commanded his people to flee into the wilderness. They do, but the Lamanites quickly catch up and start killing people.
And the king commanded the people that they should flee before the Lamanites, and he himself did go before them, and they did flee into the wilderness, with their women and their children. 19:9
And it came to pass that the Lamanites did pursue them, and did overtake them, and began to slay them. 19:10
Then Noah tells his people to abandon their wives and children, and to run for their lives. Some of them do, and the others choose to stay and try and defend their families by other means: whoring out their daughters.
Now it came to pass that the king commanded them that all the men should leave their wives and their children, and flee before the Lamanites. 19:11
Now there were many that would not leave them, but had rather stay and perish with them. And the rest left their wives and their children and fled. 19:12
And it came to pass that those who tarried with their wives and their children caused that their fair daughters should stand forth and plead with the Lamanites that they would not slay them. 19:13
And it came to pass that the Lamanites had compassion on them, for they were charmed with the beauty of their women. 19:14
So the Lamanites took them captive, and let them live their lives relatively unchanged, except for a 50% tax. (Geez, I thought King Noah's tax was high!)
Therefore the Lamanites did spare their lives, and took them captives and carried them back to the land of Nephi, and granted unto them that they might possess the land, under the conditions that they would deliver up king Noah into the hands of the Lamanites, and deliver up their property, even one half of all they possessed, one half of their gold, and their silver, and all their precious things, and thus they should pay tribute to the king of the Lamanites from year to year. 19:15
Limhi, the new "King", agreed to this Draconian tax. He didn't have much choice, though. The Lamanite king drove a hard bargain.
And it came to pass that the king of the Lamanites made an oath unto them, that his people should not slay them. 19:25
And also Limhi, being the son of the king, having the kingdom conferred upon him by the people, made oath unto the king of the Lamanites that his people should pay tribute unto him, even one half of all they possessed. 19:26
The Lamanite king was clever, though. He knew that Limhi's people might try running away again, so he posted guards around the city. In spite of the crippling tax that was upon them, there was continual peace in the land for two years.
And the king of the Lamanites set guards round about the land, that he might keep the people of Limhi in the land, that they might not depart into the wilderness; and he did support his guards out of the tribute which he did receive from the Nephites. 19:28
And now king Limhi did have continual peace in his kingdom for the space of two years, that the Lamanites did not molest them nor seek to destroy them. 19:29
Posted by Philip Wells at 2/08/2013 01:14:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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