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Islam: It's mostly about going to the bathroom
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God's Top 50 Killings in the Bible
Where do evil spirits come from?
David, a man after God's own heart (WWDD?)
The worth of a woman: The Bible vs. the Quran
208 ways to get yourself saved
Real men pee standing up
Everybody must get stoned
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Why Christian "Marriage" is Wrong
Is it wrong to burn people to death?
The Top 50 Bible Stories for kids
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Dwindling In Unbelief
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30 September 2009I want one of these T-shirts
But shoot, did I mess up in my addition?
My latest count is God: 2,301,426, Satan: 10.
Did I miss 90,000 of God's victims?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Note: I found the missing victims. I removed the estimated 90,000 from the Midianite massacre since I'm only including numbers that are explicitly given in the biblical text. (See the note at the bottom of How man has God killed?
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/30/2009 04:20:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Happy Blasphemy Day!
It's finally here: Blasphemy Day. So get out and blaspheme, gosh darn it.
But before you do, I thought I'd let you know what the Bible says about blasphemy.
Blasphemers must be stoned to death.
And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying ... he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him. Leviticus 24:13-16
If you cause others to blaspheme, God might just have to kill your child, like he did to David and Bathsheba's baby boy.
Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die ... And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick ... And it came to pass on the seventh day, that the child died. 2 Samuel 12:14-18
If you blaspheme against the Holy Ghost, God will never forgive you.
(Fucking Holy Ghost!)
All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men ... whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come. Matthew 12:31-32
But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness Mark 3:29
And whosoever shall speak a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but unto him that blasphemeth against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven. Luke 12:10
If you blaspheme, you will be delivered to Satan who will teach you not to blaspheme.
(Who knew that Satan teaches people not to blaspheme?)
Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that they may learn not to blaspheme. 1 Timothy 1:20
A slave ("servant" in the KJV) that doesn't give her master all honor blasphemes God.
Let as many servants as are under the yoke count their own masters worthy of all honour, that the name of God and his doctrine be not blasphemed. 1 Timothy 6:1
To avoid blasphemy, wives must obey their husbands.
Teach the young women to be ... obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5
And, of course, Jews are blaspheming members of the synagogue of Satan.
I know the blasphemy of them which say they are Jews, and are not, but are the synagogue of Satan. Revelation 2:9
Someday there will be a beast that comes out of the sea that has seven heads with a blasphemous name (Jesus Fucker) written on each head.
I stood ... saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy ... And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death. Revelation 13:1-3
Here's what it will look like.
But don't let any of this bullshit stop you. Write 'Jesus Fucker' on your forehead and get out there and blaspheme!
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/30/2009 09:14:00 AM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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28 September 2009Five kings killed and hung on trees
In his last killing, God got right in there and "fought for Israel." He "discomfited them ... and slew them with a great slaughter ... and chased them along the way." He "cast down great stones from heaven" and made the sun (and moon) stand still still so that Joshua could get his killing done in the broad daylight. God hadn't been so busy since he made all the stars in a single day.
But while God was busy chasing people, throwing stones, and stopping the sun and the moon from moving, the five kings got away.
But these five kings fled, and hid themselves in a cave at Makkedah. Joshua 10.16
When the Israelites found them, Joshua told them to roll some big stones over the mouth of the cave to trap them, and then chase and kill any of the Amorite soldiers that were trying to get away. He told them to "smite the hindmost of them" (kick their butts).
Pursue after your enemies, and smite the hindmost of them; suffer them not to enter into their cities: for the LORD your God hath delivered them into your hand. 10.19
So that's what they did.
And it came to pass, when Joshua and the children of Israel had made an end of slaying them with a very great slaughter, till they were consumed. 10.20
Then they opened up the cave and brought the five kings to Joshua. He and his captains then do something strange: they put their feet on the necks of the kings.
Joshua ... said unto the captains of the men of war which went with him, Come near, put your feet upon the necks of these kings. And they came near, and put their feet upon the necks of them. 10.24
While their doing this, Joshua says
Thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies against whom ye fight. 10.25
So I guess God does this to his enemies, too.
After Joshua withdraws his feet from the kings' necks, he does what he does best: he kills them.
Joshua smote them, and slew them. 10.26a
And hangs their dead bodies on trees until evening.
And hanged them on five trees: and they were hanging upon the trees until the evening. 10.26b
Then he took down their bodies, put them back in the cave that they were hiding in, and covered the entrance to the cave with a bunch of rocks. The rocks are still there to this day. No kidding.
They took them down off the trees, and cast them into the cave wherein they had been hid, and laid great stones in the cave's mouth, which remain until this very day. 10.27
(I put the death toll for the “very great slaughter” of Joshua 10.20 at 10,000.)
God's next killing: Joshua utterly destroyed all that breathed as the Lord God commanded
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/28/2009 04:50:00 PM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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22 September 2009God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get his killing done before dark
Joshua and the Israelites have been slaughtering or enslaving the people from every city that they came across. They killed everyone in Jericho and Ai and enslaved the people of Gibeon (Joshua 9.21-27). So the neighboring cities were getting kind of nervous.
Five kings from these cities (the Amorite coalition) decided to attack the Israelites. Then God gets involved.
God tells Joshua not to worry; he has given the Amorites into Joshua's hand, and they would just run away when they were attacked.
The LORD said unto Joshua, Fear them not: for I have delivered them into thine hand; there shall not a man of them stand before thee. Joshua 10.8
So Joshua attacked, but it was God who did most of the dirty work. He “discomfited them” and even “chased them along the way.”
The LORD discomfited them before Israel, and slew them with a great slaughter at Gibeon, and chased them along the way. 10.10
But God was just getting started. He threw down from heaven giant hailstones and killed even more Amorite soldiers than the Israelite army.
The LORD cast down great stones from heaven upon them unto Azekah, and they died: they were more which died with hailstones than they whom the children of Israel slew with the sword. 10.11
Then God made the sun and moon stop moving for 24 hours so that Joshua would have plenty of daylight to finish killing off the Amorites. (It was this verse, among others, that got Galileo in so much trouble. If God stopped the sun from moving, then the sun moves around the earth.)
Then spake Joshua to the LORD in the day when the LORD delivered up the Amorites ... Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon; and thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon. And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies. ... So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and hasted not to go down about a whole day. 10.12-13
So in this killing, God got directly involved. He slaughtered people, "chased them along the way," cast down huge hailstones from heaven, and, at Joshua's request, he stopped the sun from moving for 24 hours. You just can't ask much more from a God than that.
Here's how the Bible puts it.
There was no day like that before it or after it, that the LORD hearkened unto the voice of a man: for the LORD fought for Israel. 10.14
(Since the Amorite coalition consisted of 5 cities, I put the number killed at 5000. 1000 for each city.)
God's next killing: Five kings killed and hung on trees
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/22/2009 02:56:00 PM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Don't Read the Bible (Listen to Wacky Bible Stories)
OK. I need to cut this out. Just one more, I promise.
But this is a good story from Numbers 11.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/22/2009 11:46:00 AM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Don't read the Bible (Watch Messed-Up Bible Stories Instead)
I know, I should get back to God's killings. But all the massacres get kind of boring after a while. So I thought I'd throw in something a bit more entertaining.
So here's Messed-up Bible Stories for you.
And here's one of my favorites:
I just wish they'd have spent a bit more time on Genesis 6:4, "There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men...." But I guess they had to keep it PG rated to meet YouTube standards.
I'll be adding links at the bottom of the SAB chapters for these messed-up Bible stories, too.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/22/2009 11:07:00 AM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Don't Read the Bible (Let the Bible Slam read it for you)
I don't know how I missed this up to now, but I did. It's the Bible Slam.
Here is the latest: Exodus 19.
(I totally missed it. The meeting between God and Moses was a volcanic eruption!)
I'm going to go back and see what else I missed. As I read along (or have it read to me) I'll be adding links to the Bible Slam at the bottom of each chapter of the SAB.
Someone should do this for the Quran and the Book of Mormon. Does't the Quran Slam sound good?
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/22/2009 08:51:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 September 2009Gay people can (and should) quote the Bible too
If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her ... and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel's father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her; And, lo, he hath given occasions of speech against her, saying, I found not thy daughter a maid; and yet these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city. And the elders of that city shall take that man and chastise him ... But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:13-21
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/18/2009 11:52:00 AM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Have you got your Bible holster yet?
It's the new Republican uniform!
Why is it that religious nuts are almost always gun nuts too?
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/18/2009 10:00:00 AM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 September 2009The Ai Massacre
After stoning and burning to death Achan and his family, Joshua was back in business.
God told Joshua to do unto Ai as they did unto Jericho, except that this time the Israelites could keep some of the loot for themselves (instead of giving it all to him).
Thou shalt do to Ai and her king as thou didst unto Jericho and her king: only the spoil thereof, and the cattle thereof, shall ye take for a prey unto yourselves. Joshua 8.2
So that's what they did.
They killed the soldiers,
Joshua and all Israel … slew the men of Ai ... so that they let none of them remain or escape. 8.21-22
burned the city,
Joshua burnt Ai, and made it an heap for ever. 8.28
murdered all the women and children,
Joshua drew not his hand back, wherewith he stretched out the spear, until he had utterly destroyed all the inhabitants of Ai. 8.26
killed the King of Ai, and hung his dead body on a tree.
The king of Ai he hanged on a tree until eventide. 8.29
Just like God told them to do.
And, finally, after they were done killing all the people, Joshua killed some animals as a "peace offering" to his bloody God of war.
Then Joshua built an altar unto the LORD ... and ... offered thereon burnt offerings unto the LORD, and sacrificed peace offerings. 8:30-31
One thing I really like about this story (What's not to like?) is that this time I don't have to guess the number of victims. The Bible tells us how many were killed: 12,000.
And … all that fell that day, both of men and women, were twelve thousand. 8.25
God's next killing: God stops the sun so Joshua can get his killing done in the daylight
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/16/2009 10:23:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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12 September 2009Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death
This is one of those bible stories that most believers don't really believe in, if they know it exists, that is. It's simply not possible to believe this story and also believe that the God of the Bible is anything other than evil.
The story begins with Joshua sending spies to the land of Ai. The spies return saying Ai would be easy to conquer, requiring only a few thousand men.
Joshua sent men from Jericho to Ai … and spake unto them, saying, Go up and view the country. And the men went up and viewed Ai. And they returned to Joshua, and said …let about two or three thousand men go up and smite Ai … for they are but few. Joshua 7.2-3
So Joshua sent 3,000 soldiers, but they were defeated by the men of Ai, who killed about 36 of them.
So there went up thither of the people about three thousand men: and they fled before the men of Ai. And the men of Ai smote of them about thirty and six men. 7.4-5
When Joshua heard what had happened, he tore his clothes, fell on his face, and put dirt on his head, thereby proving that he was a real Bible character.
Joshua rent his clothes, and fell to the earth upon his face before the ark of the LORD until the eventide, he and the elders of Israel, and put dust upon their heads. 7.6
He then asked God why they were defeated.
Joshua said, Alas, O LORD God, wherefore hast thou at all brought this people over Jordan, to deliver us into the hand of the Amorites, to destroy us? 7.7
God told Joshua to get up off his face.
The LORD said unto Joshua, Get thee up; wherefore liest thou thus upon thy face? 7.10
And then God said that the Israelites were defeated by Ai because someone took an accursed thing during the Jericho Massacre.
Israel hath sinned … for they have even taken of the accursed thing … and they have put it even among their own stuff. Therefore the children of Israel could not stand before their enemies, but turned their backs before their enemies, because they were accursed: neither will I be with you any more, except ye destroy the accursed from among you. 7.11-12
But God told Joshua what he needed to do to get back to successful genocide: burn to death the man with the accursed thing, along with his family.
He that is taken with the accursed thing shall be burnt with fire, he and all that he hath. 7.15
God even pointed out the guy. His name was Achan.
In the morning therefore ye shall be brought according to your tribes: and it shall be, that the tribe which the LORD taketh shall come according to the families thereof; and the family which the LORD shall take shall come by households; and the household which the LORD shall take shall come man by man. … So Joshua rose up early in the morning, and brought Israel by their tribes; and the tribe of Judah was taken: And he brought the family of Judah; and he took the family of the Zarhites: and he brought the family of the Zarhites man by man; and Zabdi was taken: And he brought his household man by man; and Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, of the tribe of Judah, was taken. 7.14-18
So Joshua ordered Achan to confess.
Joshua said unto Achan … make confession unto him; and tell me now what thou hast done; hide it not from me. 7.19
And he did.
Achan answered Joshua, and said, Indeed I have sinned against the LORD God of Israel, and thus and thus have I done: When I saw among the spoils a goodly Babylonish garment, and two hundred shekels of silver, and a wedge of gold of fifty shekels weight, then I coveted them, and took them; and, behold, they are hid in the earth in the midst of my tent, and the silver under it. 7.20-21
He then rounded up Achan, his family, his livestock, and all their possessions. "And all Israel stoned them with stones and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones." And that made God less angry.
And Joshua …took Achan … and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his asses, and his sheep … And Joshua said, Why hast thou troubled us? the LORD shall trouble thee this day. And all Israel stoned him with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones. … So the LORD turned from the fierceness of his anger. 7.24-26
Since Achan’s sons and daughters were stoned and burned along with him, there must have been at least 5 victims here. (No mention is made of his wife.)
God's next killing: The Ai massacre
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/12/2009 10:19:00 AM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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08 September 2009The Jericho Massacre
Jericho is one of God's more famous killings. And believers seem to like it a lot. They sing songs about it, and tell their children about it.
Here's how it goes.
God tells Joshua that he has given the city of Jericho into his hands and that he and his men should march around the city every day for six days with seven priests marching before the ark blowing seven trumpets made of rams' horns.
The LORD said unto Joshua, See, I have given into thine hand Jericho, and the king thereof, and the mighty men of valour. And ye shall compass the city, all ye men of war, and go round about the city once. Thus shalt thou do six days. And seven priests shall bear before the ark seven trumpets of rams' horns. Joshua 6.2-4a
On the seventh day the seven priests will march around seven times blowing their seven trumpets. They'll make a long blast, everyone will yell, and the walls will fall down.
The seventh day ye shall compass the city seven times, and the priests shall blow with the trumpets. And it shall come to pass, that when they make a long blast with the ram's horn, and when ye hear the sound of the trumpet, all the people shall shout with a great shout; and the wall of the city shall fall down flat. Joshua 6.4b-5
So the trumpets sounded and the people yelled and the walls came tumbling down.
On the seventh day, that … they compassed the city seven times. And … at the seventh time, when the priests blew with the trumpets, Joshua said unto the people, Shout; for the LORD hath given you the city. … So the people shouted when the priests blew with the trumpets: and … the wall fell down flat. Joshua 6.15-20
Then Joshua told the soldiers to kill everyone in the city as an offering to God, except for the prostitute, Rahab, and her family. But all the silver, gold, bronze, and iron belonged to God alone.
The city shall be accursed, even it, and all that are therein, to the LORD: only Rahab the harlot shall live, she and all that are with her in the house, because she hid the messengers that we sent. And ye, in any wise keep yourselves from the accursed thing, lest ye make yourselves accursed, when ye take of the accursed thing, and make the camp of Israel a curse, and trouble it. But all the silver, and gold, and vessels of brass and iron, are consecrated unto the LORD: they shall come into the treasury of the LORD. Joshua 6.17-19
So the soldiers went into the city and killed everything in it. Men, women, young, old, cattle, sheep, and donkeys. But they spared Rahab and her family.
They utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword. … And Joshua saved Rahab the harlot alive, and her father's household, and all that she had. Joshua 6.21-25
(Rahab and her family were spared because she protected the Israelite spies by lying about their whereabouts. I don't know how they survived when the wall fell down, since her house was on the wall. I guess it was a miracle or something.)
Then they burned everything in the city, except for the gold, silver, iron, and bronze, which they put into God's treasury.
They burnt the city with fire, and all that was therein: only the silver, and the gold, and the vessels of brass and of iron, they put into the treasury of the house of the LORD. Joshua 6.24
After destroying Jericho, Joshua said that whoever rebuilt the city would be cursed by God and be forced to sacrifice his oldest and youngest sons.
Joshua adjured them at that time, saying, Cursed be the man before the LORD, that riseth up and buildeth this city Jericho: he shall lay the foundation thereof in his firstborn, and in his youngest son shall he set up the gates of it. Joshua 6.26
(According to 1 Kings 16:34, this prophecy was fulfilled when Hiel rebuilt Jericho. God made him lay the foundation with the body of his oldest son and set up the gates with his youngest son's body "according to the word of the Lord.")
Estimated number killed: 1000.
God's next killing: Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/08/2009 07:49:00 AM 13 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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04 September 2009God's Killings in Deuteronomy
Here's a summary of God's killings in Deuteronomy. Killing Event Verse Estimated number killed Cumulative total
1 God slowly kills the Israelite army Deuteronomy 2:14-17 500,000 500,000
2 God kills the Zamzummim in the land of the giants 2:22-23 10,000 510,000
3 God hardened King Sihon's heart in order to kill all his people 2:26-28 3,000 513,000
4 God helps kill all the men, women, and children in 60 cities 3:3-6 60,000 573,000
But God not only killed in Deuteronomy; he commanded everyone else to kill, too.
Here are just some of the people God wants you to kill.
Prophets, dreamers, and people who can do signs and wonders Deuteronomy 13:1-5
Family and friends if they believe in the wrong god 13:6-10
Everyone in every city that has at least one person who believes in the wrong god 13:12-17
Anyone who has religions beliefs that are different than yours 17:2-7
People who won't listen to a priest or a judge. 17:12-13
All false prophets and false witnesses 18:20-22, 19:18-19
Stubborn and rebellious sons 21:18-21
Rape victims who don't cry out loud enough 22:23-24
Any Amalekites you happen to run across 25:19
And if you refuse to kill any of these people (or to do any of the other things God told you to do in Deuteronomy), then God will kill you after he forces you to eat your own children. (God wrote a whole chapter about this. See Deuteronomy 28:16-68 for the gory details.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/04/2009 07:45:00 AM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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01 September 2009The Worst Verse in the Bible
Ship of Fools is asking people to name the worst verse in the Bible. You can nominate your favorite worst verse here.
I always have a hard time with this. There are so many to choose from. But I picked Jeremiah 19:9.
And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend....
A god that would force parents to eat their children is a god everyone should stay away from.
Which verse do you think is the worst? I'm especially interested in what believers think about this. Are there any bad verses in the Bible, or is Jeremiah 19:9 as good as Leviticus 19:18?
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/01/2009 09:22:00 AM 17 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Dwindling In Unbelief
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30 October 2009The Conservative Bible Project needs your help!
Poor Andy is having a rough time re-writing the Bible. Most of the really cool changes have been undone, and hardly anyone is contributing anymore.
And they are missing thousands of opportunities to fix stuff for God.
Take Genesis 19:8 for example. Here is how the Conservative Bible "translates" it.
Look, I have two virgin daughters, and I'll give them to you and you can do whatever you want to them if you just promise me you'll leave these men alone. They're my guests and I'm honor-bound to protect them. Genesis 19:8
And here is 2 Peter 2:4-8.
God ... delivered just Lot, vexed with the filthy conversation of the wicked: (For that righteous man dwelling among them, in seeing and hearing, vexed his righteous soul from day to day with [their] unlawful deeds;) 2 Peter 2:4-8
As you can see, the second passage hasn't been translated yet. And that's where you can help.
Liberals and atheists love these verses because they show God to be a total jerk. Lot offered his daughters to a crowd of angel rapers, yet he is "just" and "righteous" to God. Someone needs to fix that.
There are several ways this could be done. Genesis 19:8 could be changed to say something that a decent father might say. Something like this:
Look, I have two virgin angels and I'll give them to you and you can do whatever you want to them if you will leave my family alone. For I love my family and I'm honor-bound to protect them. (The angels can probably take care of themselves.) Genesis 19:8
Now that would be just and righteous!
Or you could just remove the "just" and "righteous" stuff about Lot in 2 Peter 2:7-8 like Andy did with "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" and "Whoever is without sin cast the first stone."
Either of these (or both) would be a pretty good fix, but I'm sure you can think of others. When something is this fucked up, anything is an improvement.
Of course we would still have to deal with the rest of the (so far untranslated) story in Genesis 19.
As you may know, Andy has removed wine from the Bible. So this is how the story will have to read in the Conservative Bible.
And Lot went to a cave with his two daughters. And his older daughter said to the younger, "Our father is old and there is no other man around. Let's give him some grape juice and fuck him." So they did that. Lot fucked his older daughter on the first night, and the younger one on the next. Thus were both the daughters of Lot impregnated by their father. Genesis 19:30-36
So now Lot won't even have the excuse of being drunk! How just and righteous is that?
Of course this is just one of the thousands of problems that need fixing at the CBP. So get over there, sign up, and help them out!
One note of caution, though. The CBP is a lot like the Boy Scouts: not just any kid can join. You'll need to sound sufficiently conservative (and batshit crazy) to win Andy's blessing. So watch a bit of Fox News before you go so you'll know how to talk when you get there. And then go to work. Andy needs your help!
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19 November 2009 note: Andy and friends have finished the rest of Genesis 19. Here's how they deal with Lot and his daughters.
So they decided that the "just and righteous" Lot (2 Peter 2:7-8) got drunk (with wine, not grape juice) and was "intimate" with his daughters.
Now, that's messed up. Someone ought to go fix it!
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20 November 2009: Now they're stuck on Exodus 4:24: "And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the LORD met him [Moses], and sought to kill him."
Here is the translator's plea for help: "I'm having a bit of trouble with Exodus, specifically, the end of chapter 4 - I've read a few different translations of this part and I'm still not quite sure I grasp what's going on."
Yeah, that's a tough one. Why would a conservative guy like God try to kill Moses?
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/30/2009 12:15:00 PM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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29 October 2009A city is massacred and 1000 burn to death because of God's evil spirit
After Gideon died, it was time for his sons to take over. And he had lots of them.
Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives. And his concubine that was in Shechem, she also bare him a son, whose name he called Abimelech. Judges 8:30-31
Which was a problem since only one son could succeed him. Luckily, Abimelech came up with a creative solution. He killed all of his 70 brothers on one stone.
Abimelech ... went unto his father's house at Ophrah, and slew his brethren the sons of Jerubbaal, being threescore and ten persons, upon one stone. Judges 9:4-5
Well, all except one, anyway. Jotham, Gideon's youngest son, got away.
So the two remaining sons, Abimelech and Jotham, schemed against each other for control of Israel, with Abimelech winning out, becoming Israel's first king.
Then God decided to get involved by sending an evil spirit.
God sent an evil spirit between Abimelech and the men of Shechem; and the men of Shechem dealt treacherously with Abimelech: That the cruelty done to the threescore and ten sons of Jerubbaal might come, and their blood be laid upon Abimelech their brother, which slew them; and upon the men of Shechem, which aided him in the killing of his brethren. Judges 9:23-24
(Now you might think it strange that an evil spirit would be sent by God. But if so, you haven't been reading your Bible enough. The Bible is clear about evil spirits: they are either sent directly by God or their origin is unknown. The Bible never attributes evil spirits to Satan.)
Things get complicated after God's evil spirit arrives. But the short story is that Shechem revolts against Abimelech and Abimelech massacres everyone in Shechem, except for 1000 that escape to a tower.(See the Brick Testament story for the details.)
When Abimelech found about about the people in the tower, he set it on fire. While the tower was burning, a woman dropped a millstone and it landed on Abimelech's head, crushing his skull. Abimelech saw that it was a woman, so he told a soldier to kill him since he didn't want it said that he was killed by a woman. (In the Bible, there's nothing worse that being killed by a woman.)
So with the help of God's evil spirit, everything worked out according to God's plan.
Thus God rendered the wickedness of Abimelech, which he did unto his father, in slaying his seventy brethren: And all the evil of the men of Shechem did God render upon their heads: and upon them came the curse of Jotham. Judges 9:56-57
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Note: I missed this one up to now, so I'm going to have to revise the list. I estimated a total of 2001: 1000 in the burning tower, 1000 in the Shechem massacre, and Abimelech (who wasn't killed by a woman). I know the 2001 value is silly and arbitrary in its precision, but any attempt to put a number on God's killings will run into the same problem.
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God's next killing: The Ammonite massacre
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/29/2009 10:26:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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27 October 2009Collision: Are Douglas Wilson's beliefs good for the world?
A couple years ago I mentioned the online debate between Douglas Wilson and Christopher Hitchens. Since then, they've been traveling around debating each other all across the country. And now now they're making a movie about it.
The movie is named Collision and it's set for release today, October 27.
In the online debate, Wilson evaded the topic (which was supposed to be "Is Christianity good for the world?") while forcing Hitchens to explain how an atheist determines what is good. So Hitchens was kept off balance trying to defend his own ethical system, rather than reveal the harm caused by the Bible and Christian belief. I expect Wilson to do the same in the movie version, which is why I am reposting his views here. It's only necessary to list Douglas Wilson's beliefs; once that is done, anyone with any morals will immediately conclude that such views are not good for the world.
Note: Since his views about slavery were made public several years ago in his (and my) hometown of Moscow, Idaho, Wilson has been quiet about his beliefs. I am not aware of any recent statements from him regarding the beliefs that are outlined below. All of the quoted articles are no longer available at the Credenda website. I was, however, able to restore the broken links through the marvel of the wayback machine.
Here is a list of the views of Douglas Wilson and his followers. (As found, but since removed, from the the Credenda Agenda website):
On Slavery
Wilson co-authored a pamphlet on slavery with the title, Southern Slavery as it was. (You can read it here.) Its purpose was to defend slavery as it existed in the pre-Civil War South and to defend the Biblical institution of slavery. When news of the booklet hit Moscow, Idaho in 2003, all hell broke loose. Wilson has since tried to hide his views on slavery through equivocation and denial.
Wilson brags in the article below that he has "said (out loud) that a godly man could have been a slave owner." He doesn't say that out loud anymore.
[N]othing is clearer – the New Testament opposes anything like the abolitionism of our country prior to the War Between the States. The New Testament contains many instructions for Christian slave owners, and requires a respectful submissive demeanor for Christian slaves. See, for example, Eph. 6:5-9, Col. 3:22-4:1, and 1 Tim. 6:1-5.
. . .
The reason why many Christians will be tempted to dismiss the arguments presented here is that we have said (out loud) that a godly man could have been a slave owner. But this 'inflammatory' position is the very point upon which the Bible speaks most directly, again and again. In other words, more people will struggle with what we are saying at the point where the Bible speaks most clearly. There is no exegetical vagueness here. Not only is the Bible not politically correct, it was not politically correct one hundred thirty years ago.
. . .
This entire issue of slavery is a wonderful issue upon which to practice. Our humanistic and democratic culture regards slavery in itself as a monstrous evil, and acts as though this were self-evidently true. The Bible permits Christians to own slaves, provided they are treated well. You are a Christian. Whom do you believe? (1)
On the Law, Homosexuality, and the Sin of Pity
The entire legal system would depend on one book: the Bible.
Let's pretend, just for a moment, that we could have it our way. The great revival we have been praying for has occurred, and every executive, legislator, and bureaucrat in the capital has just been saved. Knowing they ought to begin applying Scripture in their jobs, but not knowing how to go about it, they come to you and your church for advice. What will you tell them? How should they apply God's law?
Looking at the Bible with an eye toward applying it in the civil realm, several things become apparent. First, it is pretty small. … [O]n the average, a little over 1,000 pages. Think of the money governments will save on printing and shelf space!
If biblical law is to be biblically applied, then the biblical punishment must be used.
. . .
Of course, there would be laws enforced against certain crimes which are currently ignored, such as homosexuality. (2)
The list of crimes punishable by death would be a long one, and would include witchcraft, adultery, homosexuality, and cursing one's parents. Most people today would consider this cruel, but that's because they are guilty of the sin of pity. We should kill our family and friends, without pity, by stoning them to death if they believe in the wrong God. And we should cut off a woman's hand if she touches a man's private parts while defending her husband in a fight. And our eye must not pity her.
The civil magistrate is the minister of God to execute wrath on the wrongdoer (Rom. 13:4). God has not left his civil minister without guidance on how to exercise his office. The Scriptures set forth clear standards of judgment for many offenses. Capital crimes, for example, include premeditated killing (murder), kidnapping, sorcery, bestiality, adultery, homosexuality, and cursing one's parents (Ex. 21:14; 21:16; 22:18; 22:19; Lev. 20:10; 20:13; Ex. 21:17).
In contemporary American jurisprudence, none of these offenses is punishable by death, with the occasional exception of murder. The magistrates have dispensed with God's standards of justice. Some Christians believe this is an improvement. They would be horrified to think that the "harsh" penalties of the law should still be applied. Sometimes this is the result of the mistaken belief that the Old Testament has no further application after the advent of Christ. This is an exegetical problem. Too often, it is the result of a sinful view of the criminal. This sin is called pity. … Why is pity a sin?
First, pity is not always a sin. But neither is it always good. … God included in the law specific prohibitions against the exercise of pity in meting out punishment.
If your brother, the son of your mother, your son or your daughter, the wife of your bosom, or your friend who is as your own soul, secretly entices you, saying, "Let us go and serve other gods,". . . you shall not consent to him or listen to him, nor shall your eye pity him, nor shall you spare him or conceal him; but you shall surely kill him . . . (Deut. 13:6-9).
If two men fight together, and the wife of one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of the one attacking him, and puts out the hand and seizes him by the genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; your eye shall not pity her. (Deut. 25:11, 12).
God commands the judge to evaluate the crime rather than the criminal. If the crime is one for which God requires death, then death must be the punishment. Your eye shall not pity. … Thus, the Bible teaches that pity is not an option where God has decided the matter. The magistrate, God's minister, is to faithfully execute justice according to God's standard, not man's. (3)
On Crime and Punishment
The magistrate is God's minister of wrath against those who do evil. There would be only three punishments: death, lashing, and restitution. There would be no jails, prisons, or hospitals for the mentally ill.
Responsibility for the civil order is placed in the hands of magistrates, who act as God's ministers of wrath against those who do evil (Rom. 13:1-7).
God's law sets forth three basic punishments for crime: death, lashing (essentially, a government-sponsored spanking), and restitution. There is a conspicuous absence of county jails, state penitentiaries, reform schools, and hospitals for the criminally insane. The goal of the sentence is to execute God's wrath. . . . (4)
On Elected Officials
We are all currently ruled by God-hating tyrants. Only male Christians (belonging to Doug Wilson's church) should be allowed to hold public office.
If we have God-hating tyrants ruling over us (and we do), then we must recognize that they rule by our invitation.
First, our rulers are to be able men. ... The responsibility of civil, ecclesiastical and family leadership is given to men. … [I]t is an embarrassment and a reproach to the men to have women ruling a nation (Is. 3:12).
The men we choose are to fear God. The unregenerate do not fear God by definition (Rom. 3:18).
We are to choose men of truth. … A man who honestly believes erroneous doctrine may be sincere, but he is also deceived.
From this list of qualifications, it is apparent that, biblically, it is only professing Christians who are qualified to hold public office. (5)
On Disobedient Children
You can't just kill your son for being disobedient. You have to bring a son that is "worthy of death" before the elders of the church (Doug Wilson's church) and have them kill him for for you.
[A] father may (and must) discipline his son, but he may not exercise capital punishment against him on his own authority. Instead, he must bring a son worthy of death to the elders of the city, who are charged with applying the civil penalty (Prov. 13:24; Deut. 21:18-21). (6)
On Church and State
If the judge can't figure out what the proper biblical punishment should be for a crime, then the judge must take the case to the church (Doug Wilson's church). The church (Doug Wilson) will then decide what the Bible says the punishment must be and the judge "wields the sword." The ultimate authority for every matter is the church (you know who's church). Everyone must be a member of and submit to Doug Wilson's church.
God has established the magistrate for the purpose of executing His wrath, but He has not made the civil ruler the exclusive authority on the question of when wrath is appropriate. If a matter is too hard for the judges to determine with the knowledge at hand, then they are commanded to take the question to the church for clarification. The church decides, based on God's Word, what judgment should be carried out, and the judges are obliged to pronounce sentence accordingly.
The state wields the sword, and must wield it in submission to God's law. But if the law is not clear on a particular point, and the state has a question about what God's law requires, it is powerless to interpret Scripture on its own authority. Instead, the state must take the question to the church, which has been charged with protecting, interpreting, and teaching the law of God. The leaders of the church are instructed to make a judgment as to what the law requires, but the church does not thereby take up the sword. Rather, the judgment is passed back to the state, and the magistrates then wield the sword in a manner consistent with the judgment of the church.
[I]t is not enough that the civil government give Christianity a place at the table, even if it is the most honored place. … Nor is it sufficient that the magistrate render "personal submission to the spiritual government" of the church. While our rulers should be members of Christ’s covenant household … a Christian who is also an executive, legislator, or judge owes a duty of submission different than that of the ordinary layman.
On Non-Christians
All citizens would be required to to take oaths of allegiance to the Lord as a prerequisite of citizenship. "Reforming the State ... is about forcing people to outwardly conform to a Christian standard and about protecting the Christian religion." We should have the courage to punish heretics, apostates, blasphemers, swearers, sabbath-breakers properly. (They should all be killed.)
[T]he political leader is the head of the civil covenant. If that head acknowledges that his authority comes from God (as he should), is it enough that he honors God personally? … Or can he also require, for example, oaths of allegiance to the Lord as a prerequisite of citizenship? (Before you balk, keep in mind that we don't have any problem saying pledges of allegiance to mere flags or the nations for which they stand.)
Again, we have no problem making school children dutifully recite the pledge of allegiance, or requiring new citizens to swear oaths of loyalty to the U.S. government. Why can't they also be required to acknowledge the sovereignty of the one true God, and to "zealously renounce all heathen practices?" … Someone who is required to renounce Buddhism as a condition of citizenship is no longer trapped by a spiritual snare, and can't be a snare to anyone else. That is a blessing. Reforming the State is not about forcing people to be Christians. But it is about forcing people to outwardly conform to a Christian standard and about protecting the Christian religion. Historically, the civil magistrate has enforced laws against blasphemy, apostasy, heresy, swearing, and working on the Sabbath. The difficulty is not in defining or punishing these crimes; the difficulty is finding the strength and wisdom to do so.
On Environmentalists
All environmentalists are anti-Christian and all true Christians are anti-environment.
An environmentalist who seeks to "manage" the environment by letting it run wild is disobeying God's command to fill, subdue, and exercise dominion over the earth.
The consequences of environmentalist philosophy are disobedience to God in the short run…. Droughts and famines do not come upon a people who are obedient, but they are promised to those who disobey. An earth left to itself will only yield thorns, thistles, disease, and decay. If Christians are to be obedient to God's dominion mandate, they must oppose the rebellion inherent in environmentalist government policy. (11)
On Pluralism
There wouldn't be any. Everyone would be forced to belong to the One True Church (Doug Wilson's Church).
[T]he Christian magistrate acknowledges there is such a thing as a true church, and that he has a responsibility to nurture that church so that it thrives and to protect it against those things that threaten to do it harm. Obviously, this excludes the idea of pluralism. (12)
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Sources: (All of the quotes are taken from the Credenda Agenda, which is the official publication of the church founded by Douglas Wilson.)
1. Douglas Wilson, Thema: So Why Are We Writing About This?, Volume 4, Issue 6
2. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: Know where to draw the line, Volume 3, Issue 11
3. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: Your Eye Shall Not Pity, Volume 3, Issue 9
4. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: On Crime and Punishment, Volume 4, Issue 7
5. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: On Elected Officials, Volume 5, Issue 3
6. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: On Disobedient Children, Volume 5, Issue 4
7. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: The Church as Advisor, Volume 5, Issue 4
8. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: Nursing Fathers Pt. 2, Volume 13, Issue 2
9. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: Leading in Righteousness, Volume 9, Issue 4
10. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: Nursing Fathers, Volume 12, Issue 3
11. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: On Environmentalists, Volume 3, Issue 5
12. Gregory Dickison, Magistralis: On Pluralism, Volume 13, Issue 2
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/27/2009 08:48:00 PM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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25 October 2009Gideon's story: The Lord set every man's sword against his fellow
Here's a story about Gideon. You know, they guy they named the Bible after.
It starts out in the usual way: The Israelites "do evil in the sight of the Lord," so God sells them into slavery. Then "the children of Israel cried unto the LORD" and God kills all the guys that he sold them to. (Midianites, this time around)
Here's the long version.
An angel of the Lord was sitting under an oak tree and he saw Gideon threshing some wheat. So he started up a conversation with him.
And the angel of the LORD appeared unto him, and said unto him, The LORD is with thee, thou mighty man of valour. Judges 6:12
And then God joined in.
And the LORD looked upon him, and said, Go in this thy might, and thou shalt save Israel from the hand of the Midianites: have not I sent thee? ... And the LORD said unto him, Surely I will be with thee, and thou shalt smite the Midianites as one man. Judges 6:14-16
(As always, the best way to picture this is to read the Brick Testament story.)
So Gideon has a three-way conversation with the angel and God, but he doesn't believe either of them. He demands a sign.
But first, he runs off to slaughter a goat. And then, guess what happened.
Then the angel of the LORD put forth the end of the staff ... and touched the flesh and the unleavened cakes; and there rose up fire out of the rock, and consumed the flesh and the unleavened cakes. Judges 6:19-21
Yep. The angel touched the bloody, dead goat and it burst into flames.
But it still didn't convince Gideon. He needed another sign to prove that God wasn't lying to him. So he put some wool on the ground and asked God to make it wet, while keeping the surrounding ground dry.
And Gideon said unto God ... Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said. Judges 6:36-37
And God passed that test, no sweat.
And it was so: for he rose up early on the morrow, and thrust the fleece together, and wringed the dew out of the fleece, a bowl full of water. Judges 6:38
Now you might think that would be enough proof for Gideon. But no. He's still not sure he can trust God, so he asks God to reverse the trick, and make the ground wet and the wool dry.
And Gideon said unto God, Let not thine anger be hot against me, and I will speak but this once: let me prove, I pray thee, but this once with the fleece; let it now be dry only upon the fleece, and upon all the ground let there be dew. Judges 6:39
And God did that trick, too!
So God passed all of Gideon's tests and Gideon and God got down to business. But first, they had to select some accomplices.
I'm not sure how this happened, but it always happens this way. The Israelites were enslaved, but somehow they managed to keep a huge, well-equipped army. I guess they did this so they'd be ready when they cry out to God and he decides to kill those guys that he sold them to.
Well, this time is no different. The Israelite slaves had a big army, too big, in fact, for God's liking. He worried that if they killed all the Midianites with that big of an army, nobody would believe that it was God that was doing the killing. And God wants all the credit for his killings.
The LORD said unto Gideon, The people that are with thee are too many for me to give the Midianites into their hands, lest Israel vaunt themselves against me, saying, Mine own hand hath saved me. Judges 7:2
So God tells Gideon to get rid of some of the men. Start with the chicken shits.
Now therefore go to, proclaim in the ears of the people, saying, Whosoever is fearful and afraid, let him return and depart early from mount Gilead. And there returned of the people twenty and two thousand; and there remained ten thousand. Judges 7:3
That got rid of 22,000. But 10,000 were still there, which was still too many. But God had a plan.
God told Gideon to have the soldiers go down to the water to get a drink. Those that lap the water "as a dog lappeth" are the natural-born killers that he's looking for, while those that got down on their knees to use a cup or their hands are fucking wusses that should be sent home.
So he brought down the people unto the water: and the LORD said unto Gideon, Every one that lappeth of the water with his tongue, as a dog lappeth, him shalt thou set by himself; likewise every one that boweth down upon his knees to drink. And the number of them that lapped, putting their hand to their mouth, were three hundred men ... And the LORD said unto Gideon, By the three hundred men that lapped will I save you. Judges 7:5-7
You see, God knows that real men pee standing up and lap water like dogs.
Now the Bible tells us that there were gazillions of Midianites. They were like grasshoppers. Like the sands of the seashore. Like that.
(Which is strange since God killed every male Midianite during the time of Moses, and yet here, 200 years later, they flourish like grasshoppers "without number.")
And the Midianites and the Amalekites and all the children of the east lay along in the valley like grasshoppers for multitude; and their camels were without number, as the sand by the sea side for multitude. Judges 7:12
Was Gideon worried about attacking a gazillion Midiantes with 300 water lappers?
No. Because some guy had a dream about barley cakes and tents, and that guy told some other guy about the dream that he had, and then later Gideon heard about it.
And ... behold, there was a man that told a dream unto his fellow, and said, Behold, I dreamed a dream, and, lo, a cake of barley bread tumbled into the host of Midian, and came unto a tent, and smote it that it fell, and overturned it, that the tent lay along. And his fellow answered and said, This is nothing else save the sword of Gideon the son of Joash, a man of Israel: for into his hand hath God delivered Midian, and all the host. And it was so, when Gideon heard the telling of the dream, and the interpretation thereof, that he worshiped, and returned into the host of Israel, and said, Arise; for the LORD hath delivered into your hand the host of Midian. Judges 7:13-15
But enough with the dreams. It's time to get down to killing. Gideon gives each dog-lapper a trumpet and a pitcher with a lamp in it, and tells them:
When I blow with a trumpet ... then blow ye the trumpets also on every side of all the camp, and say, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon. Judges 7:18
And that's what they did.
And the three companies blew the trumpets, and brake the pitchers, and held the lamps in their left hands, and the trumpets in their right hands to blow withal: and they cried, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon. Judges 7:20
Great idea, eh? But it didn't really do anything. It was God that did all the dirty work by forcing the gazillions of Amalekites to kill each other.
The LORD set every man's sword against his fellow. Judges 7:22
The story gets a bit confusing after that. Two princes are caught, decapitated, and their heads are brought to Gideon. The princes of Succoth question Gideon's leadership and he promises to come back and torture them later. (Which he did and then killed all the men in their city.) And Gideon tells his son to kill two kings, but ends up having to do it himself, since his son was a chicken-shit, cup-drinking, sit-down-pee-er.
But finally we are told that 120,000 were killed in the whole wet-fleece, water-lapping, trumpet-blowing, pitcher-smashing, the-Sword-of-the-Lord-and-of-Gideon episode.
There fell an hundred and twenty thousand men that drew sword. Judges 8:10
Sorry that was so long. But at least now you know why the Gideons chose Gideon as their namesake.
They're fucking crazy.
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God's next killing: A city is massacred and 1000 people burn to death because of God’s evil spirit
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/25/2009 07:53:00 AM 14 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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23 October 2009Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man's skull
In God's last killing, God “discomfited” the Canaanite army, causing them all to be killed. (It's not clear how God did this, but he probably forced them to kill each other. He likes doing stuff like that.)
But Sisera, the captain of the Canaanite army, somehow managed to escape. And that night he passed by Heber's tent (Heber was an ally of the Canaanites), which is where Jael enters the story.
Jael was Heber's wife and she came out to greet Sisera, inviting him to stay the night in their tent. She prepared a bed for him, gave him a glass of water, and tucked him in for the night.
Jael went out to meet Sisera, and said unto him, Turn in, my lord, turn in to me; fear not. And when he had turned in unto her into the tent, she covered him with a mantle. And he said unto her, Give me, I pray thee, a little water to drink; for I am thirsty. And she opened a bottle of milk, and gave him drink, and covered him. Judges 4.18-19
Then, after he was asleep, she drove a tent stake through his head.
Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died.4.21
OK, so what, you say. Why blame this killing on God?
Because God blamed it on himself. Deborah, who was a prophetess, said the killing would take place, and that God would take an active part.
The LORD shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman. 4.9
After the killing Deborah even wrote a little song about Jael and her blessed hammer.
Blessed above women shall Jael the wife of Heber the Kenite be,
blessed shall she be above women.
He asked water, and she gave him milk;
she brought forth butter in a lordly dish.
She put her hand to the nail,
and her right hand to the workmen's hammer;
and with the hammer she smote Sisera, she smote off his head,
when she had pierced and stricken through his temples. 5.24-26
So there you have it. Jael is the most blessed of all women. I think there's even a well-known prayer about it. It goes like this:
Hail Jael, full of grace. The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women....
Or maybe I’m confusing it with another prayer.
God's next killing: Gideon's story
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/23/2009 10:04:00 AM 12 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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22 October 2009Barak and God massacre the Canaanites
This is just another variation of the same stupid story. So if you've been following along, you can predict what's going to happen.
1. The Israelites did evil in the sight of the Lord.
The children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the LORD. Judges 4.1
2. So God sells them into slavery.
The LORD sold them into the hand of Jabin … the captain of whose host was Sisera. 4.2
3. The Israelites cry out to the Lord.
The children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he had nine hundred chariots of iron. 4.3
4. God slaughtered the people that he sold the Israelites to.
The LORD discomfited Sisera [the captain of King Jabin’s army], and all his chariots, and all his host, with the edge of the sword … and all the host of Sisera fell upon the edge of the sword; and there was not a man left. 4.15-16
This story is more interesting that most, though, because one of the characters is named Barak. (Although Barack Obama's first name is not derived from this biblical character, believers sometimes like to pretend otherwise.)
Here are the details about Barak.
After Ehud dies, a woman becomes the leader of the Israelites. Her name is Deborah and she is called a prophetess and judge. She sat under a palm tree and everyone "came up to her for judgment."
Deborah, a prophetess … judged Israel at that time. And she dwelt under the palm tree of Deborah … and the children of Israel came up to her for judgment. Judges 4.4-5
One day she summoned Barak and told him to take 10,000 soldiers and fight Sisera.
She sent and called Barak … and said unto him … the LORD God of Israel commanded, saying … take with thee ten thousand men … to … Sisera, the captain of Jabin's army, with his chariots and his multitude; and I will deliver him into thine hand. 4.6-7
Barak, who was a bit of a chicken shit, said:
Barak said unto her, If thou wilt go with me, then I will go: but if thou wilt not go with me, then I will not go. 4.8
Deborah said she'd go with him and they'd defeat Jabin's army (even though he had 900 iron chariots), and that God would deliver Sisera into the hands of a woman.
She said, I will surely go with thee … for the LORD shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman. And Deborah arose, and went with Barak. 4.9
So Deborah and Barak go off to fight in God's holy war. Guess what happens.
The LORD discomfited Sisera, and all his chariots, and all his host, with the edge of the sword ... and all the host of Sisera fell upon the edge of the sword; and there was not a man left. 4.15-16
But Sisera somehow got away. Don't worry, though. God will take care of him in his next killing.
(Since the Bible doesn’t say how many were killed, I gave it the usual 1000.)
God's next killing: Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man’s skull
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/22/2009 10:09:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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20 October 2009The Divine Guide is guiding the Conservative Bible Project
Here's a hot news item from Conservapedia.
Conservapedia was live on WNOX, "Knoxville's Big Talker," Tuesday morning at 7:05am ET for nearly an hour. The phone lines lit up during the show. One caller's statement: "People were guided by the Holy Spirit when they wrote the Bible." Answer: "People are guided by the Holy Spirit now too."
Yes, that's right, folks. The Holy Spirit is guiding Andy Schlafly and his friends as they remove the liberal bias from the Bible.
But I thought Andy renamed the Holy Spirit to Divine Guide! Which I guess would mean that the Divine Guide guided Andy to change its (his?) own name. (I wonder if Andy baptized him in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Divine Guide after renaming him.)
Still, Old What's-His-Name goes by two names at the Conservative Bible. In Mark his name is always "Divine Guide", but in John it's "Holy Spirit". I guess the Divine Guide hasn't quite made his mind up yet.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/20/2009 11:45:00 AM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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19 October 2009Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad.
The entire story takes place in just one verse.
Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad. "And he also delivered Israel."
Shamgar … slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad: and he also delivered Israel. Judges 3.31
The inspired storyteller obviously viewed this mass killing to be a glorious, noble, and wonderful thing. To him it is every bit as cool as Ehud's message from God (43).
But I suspect that God not only approved of this killing, he assisted with it. How else could one man kill 600 Philistines with a pointy stick?
God's next killing: Barak and God massacre the Canaanites
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/19/2009 12:40:00 PM 18 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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The Conservative Bible: Putting fresh grape juice into old bottles
The Conservative Bible Project (CBP) is done with the Gospel of Mark. And I think they've done a fabulous job!
Take that pesky verse about wine and wineskins, for example. Here's how it reads in the CBP:
"And no man puts fresh grape juice into old bottles. The fresh juice will burst the bottles, spilling the juice and damaging the bottles. Fresh juice must be put into new bottles." Mark 2:22
Jesus was talking about grape juice here, not wine, as the note for this verse explains.
The Greek word οινος, translated "wine," actually meant "fruit of the vine" and was not fermented, as it commonly is today. Repeated references in the Book of Proverbs tell their readers specifically to avoid fermented grape juice. Furthermore, at least five methods of preservation were known to the ancients, methods that avoided fermentation, long before Louis Pasteur would invent his pressure-cooking method.
So drinking wine is wrong and Jesus sure as hell never drank any.
But if that's true, why does the CBP say that Jesus changed water into wine at the wedding at Cana? Shouldn't that be grape juice, instead?
Jesus said to the servants, "Fill the pots with water." And they filled them up to the brim. And he said to them, "Carry them out now to the host of this feast." And so they did. When the host of the wedding feast tasted the water, it had been made into wine, and he did not know where the wine had come from (though the servants knew), and so the host of the wedding feast called the groom, And said to him, "Usually, a man, at the beginning of a feast, sets out his good wine, and when all have drank their fill, then the poorer quality wine. But you have kept your good wine for last!" John 2:7-10
So I guess Jesus messed up here. Oh well, nobody's perfect.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/19/2009 10:22:00 AM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 October 2009God delivers 10,000 lusty Moabites
After Ehud delivered God's message to Ehud (a knife blade in the belly), he blew a trumpet to summon all the Israelites.
Ehud … blew a trumpet … and the children of Israel went down with him. Judges 3.26-27
Then he told the people:
Follow after me: for the LORD hath delivered your enemies the Moabites into your hand. 3.28
So they followed Ehud and God helped them kill 10,000 lusty Moabites.
And they slew of Moab at that time about ten thousand men, all lusty, and all men of valour; and there escaped not a man. 3.29
Kind of boring, I know. But sometimes God runs out of imaginative ways of killing people.
God's next killing: Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/18/2009 10:51:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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17 October 2009Ehud delivers a message from God
Remember how in his last killing, God was so angry at the Israelites for worshiping other gods that he sold them as slaves to King Cushy?
Yeah, well, pretty much the same thing happens here, except the names, places, and times change.
The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD strengthened Eglon the king of Moab against Israel ... So the children of Israel served Eglon the king of Moab eighteen years. Judges 3.12-14
But then the Israelites cried out to God again ("Yahweh!, Yahweh!").
But when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD 3.15a
And he raised up another hero for them. This time it was a left-handed guy named Ehud. God sent him to deliver a present to Eglon.
The LORD raised them up a deliverer, Ehud … a man lefthanded: and by him the children of Israel sent a present unto Eglon the king of Moab. 3.15b
Ehud’s present to Eglon was a message from God: a knife blade in his belly pushed in so far that "the dirt (feces) came out."
Ehud made him a dagger which had two edges, of a cubit length; and he did gird it under his raiment upon his right thigh. And he brought the present unto Eglon king of Moab: and Eglon was a very fat man ... And Ehud said, I have a message from God unto thee. ... And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly: And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out. 3.16-22
God has a funny way of communicating, doesn't he?
God's next killing: 10,000 lusty Moabites
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/17/2009 10:06:00 AM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 October 2009Stephen Colbert is in the Conservative Bible!
(Well, he was, anyway, for about 14 hours.)
Not much is happening anymore at the Conservative Bible Project besides vandalism, banning accounts, and reverting back to the original language of the KJV.
He's back. And this time he's got Jon Stewart with him!
Andy caught this one in only 12 minutes. Way to go, Andy!
Shoot! Now Harry Potter is in there.
And the Dude with the diapers.
Donald Duck.
Andy fixed these 3 in only 9 minutes!
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/16/2009 04:06:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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The LORD delivered Chushanrishathaim
God was angry at the Israelites for ignoring him in favor of Baal and Asheroth ("the groves" in the KJV).
The children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD, and forgat the LORD their God, and served Baalim and the groves. Judges 3.7
So he did what any good god would do and sold the Israelites into slavery. Chushanrishathaim was the happy buyer.
Therefore the anger of the LORD was hot against Israel, and he sold them into the hand of Chushanrishathaim king of Mesopotamia. 3.8a
The Israelites were Chushanrishathaim's slaves for eight years. But then the Israelites cried out together in unison to the Lord and he "raised up" Othiniel, who was Caleb's nephew and the first "judge" of Israel.
The children of Israel served Chushanrishathaim eight years. And when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD, the LORD raised up a deliverer to the children of Israel, who delivered them, even Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother. 3.8b-9
And then "the spirit of the Lord came upon Othiniel ... and he went out to war."
The Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he judged Israel, and went out to war. 3.10a
Whom did Othiniel go to war with? Chushanrishathaim -- the guy that God sold the Israelites to.
The LORD delivered Chushanrishathaim king of Mesopotamia into his hand; and his hand prevailed against Chushanrishathaim. 3.10b
The Bible doesn’t say how many of King Cushy’s soldiers were killed in this holy war. I’ll just guess the usual 1000.
God's next killing: Ehud delivers a message from God
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/16/2009 09:14:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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15 October 2009Biblical Baseball
Before getting back to God's killings, I thought I'd throw in something fun.
via The BEattitude
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/15/2009 01:10:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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And Jesus said, "Beware of the Bread of the Intellectuals"
OK, I spoke too soon. The intellectuals have not been completely cast out of Andy's gospel.
It's true that the scribes and the intellectuals departed from the verses that I quoted last week. But intellectuals still haunt other verses. (I haven't seen any Liberals masquerading as Pharisees lately, though.)
Here is my favorite.
And Jesus warned them, "I caution you, beware of the bread of the intellectuals and the bread of Herod." Mark 8:15
And here are the others that I could find.
The intellectuals came to him and began to try to tempt him with their questions, demanding a sign from heaven. Mark 8:11
Returning to his disciples, he found an enormous crowd had gathered around them, with the intellectuals interrogating them. Mark 9:14
Jesus demanded of the intellectuals, "What are you asking the people about?" Mark 9:16
The intellectuals and corrupt priests heard this and conspired to destroy him, fearing him and the people who were amazed by his teaching. Mark 11:18
When they returned to Jerusalem, the intellectuals (chief priests, scribes, and elders) came to him as He was walking in the temple. Mark 11:27
The "Analysis" for Mark 11:27 asks: "use intellectuals here? or incumbents, or elites?"
So the intellectuals replied to Jesus, "We cannot answer." And Jesus responded, "Neither do I reveal to you my authority for my good deeds." Mark 11:33
The furious intellectuals wanted to grab him them, but feared the public; they knew this parable was directed at them. They gave up for now and walked out. Mark 12:12
And there's still a few elites pestering Jesus.
"But Elijah has already come, and the elite did to him whatever they wanted, as was prophesied." Mark 9:13
"Analysis" for this verse: "Clarifying "they" (Herod et. al)". (Herod et. al were elites.)
Now, back to God's killings!
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16 October 2009:
The "bread of the intellectuals" in Mark 8:15 has been changed to the "yeast of of the Pharisees."
"Intellectuals" in Mark 8:11 has been changed back to "Pharisees".
18 October 2009:
"Intellectuals" no longer in Mark 8:11; 9:14, 16; 11:18, 27, 33.
But "furious intellectuals" are still hiding in Mark 12:12!
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/15/2009 12:16:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Liberals and Intellectuals cast out of Conservative Bible
Can the Divine Guide be far behind?
Last week I posted some verses from the Conservative Bible. The Pharisees had become Liberals and scribes, intellectuals.
Well, Here's how Mark's Andy's Gospel looks today.
Mark 2:8
King James Version
And immediately when Jesus perceived in his spirit that they so reasoned within themselves, he said unto them, Why reason ye these things in your hearts?
Conservative Bible (7 October 2009)
Jesus perceived immediately what the intellectual types were thinking, and he asked them, "Why are you so hostile to this?
Conservative Bible (15 October 2009)
Jesus immediately perceived in His spirit what they were thinking, and he asked them, "Why are you so hostile to this?
Mark 2:16
KJV
And when the scribes and Pharisees saw him eat with publicans and sinners, they said unto his disciples, How is it that he eateth and drinketh with publicans and sinners?
Conservative Bible (7 October 2009)
Seeing him eating with the tax collectors and sinners, the Pharisees and intellectuals demanded of his disciples, "Why does he eat and drink with these tax collectors and sinners?"
Conservative Bible (15 October 2009)
Seeing him eating with the tax collectors and sinners, the Pharisees and scribes demanded of His students, "Why does he eat and drink with these tax collectors and sinners?"
(Oh, I like that! They've changed disciples to students. I guess Jesus was home schooling them.)
Mark 3:2
KJV
And they watched him, whether he would heal him on the sabbath day; that they might accuse him.
Conservative Bible (7 October 2009)
The Liberals watched Jesus to see if they might catch and accuse him of healing on the Sabbath.
Conservative Bible (15 October 2009)
They were watching Jesus to see if they might catch and accuse him of healing on the Sabbath.
Mark 3:4
KJV
And he saith unto them, Is it lawful to do good on the sabbath days, or to do evil? to save life, or to kill? But they held their peace.
Conservative Bible(7 October 2009)
Jesus asked the Liberals, "Which is lawful on the Sabbath: doing good or evil? Saving a life, or killing one?" The Liberals did not answer.
Conservative Bible (15 October 2009)
Jesus asked them, "Which is lawful on the Sabbath: doing good or evil? Saving a life, or killing one?" And they didn't answer.
Mark 3:6
KJV
And the scribes which came down from Jerusalem said, He hath Beelzebub, and by the prince of the devils casteth he out devils.
Conservative Bible (7 October 2009)
Jerusalem intellectuals came also, smearing Jesus by saying "He has Beelzebub and casts out devils by the power of the devil!"
Conservative Bible (15 October 2009)
The Pharisees then fled from the scene to plot with the Herodians against Jesus, and plan how they might destroy him.
(Damn! I really liked having the intellectuals come smearing Jesus. Why did they remove that?)
Mark 3:22
KJV
And the scribes which came down from Jerusalem said, He hath Beelzebub, and by the prince of the devils casteth he out devils.
Conservative Bible(7 October 2009)
Jerusalem intellectuals came also, smearing Jesus by saying "He has Beelzebub and casts out devils by the power of the devil!"
Conservative Bible (15 October 2009)
Some scribes from Jerusalem came also, smearing Jesus by saying "He has Beelzebub and throws out demons by calling on the leader of demons!"
(Oh good, at least the scribes are still smearing Jesus, even if the intellectuals aren't.)
So now I'm worried.
How long will it be before the Divine Guide is cast out of the Conservative Bible? It would be such a shame to lose a verse like this:
Mary ... became pregnant with the child of the Divine Guide. Matthew 1:18
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/15/2009 08:26:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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14 October 2009Five massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots
This is hodgepodge of killings from the rest of Judges 1.
After the Jerusalem Massacre, the "children of Judah" go on a God-assisted smiting spree, wiping out a bunch of kingdoms "with the edge of the sword."
You can read all about it in Judges 1.10-25, if you really want to.
It's hard to say how many cities were massacred. But there were at least five: three in Hebron, one in Zephath, and Bethel.
Judah went against the Canaanites that dwelt in Hebron … and they slew Sheshai, and Ahiman, and Talmai. Judges 1.10
Judah went with Simeon his brother, and they slew the Canaanites that inhabited Zephath, and utterly destroyed it. 1.17
And they also went up against Bethel: and the LORD was with them. … And the spies saw a man come forth out of the city, and they said unto him, Shew us, we pray thee, the entrance into the city, and we will shew thee mercy. And when he shewed them the entrance into the city, they smote the city with the edge of the sword; but they let go the man and all his family. 1.22-25
And there would have been a lot more if it weren't for those damned iron chariots. Some things are just too hard, even for God.
The LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron. 1.19
These killings also contain an important message about Biblical Family Values. Look at the timeless example that Caleb gives to fathers everywhere.
And Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. And Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife. 1.12-13
Isn't that a sweet story? God's special hero gave his daughter to the man who could kill the most people. Now that's Biblical Family Values for you!
(Since five cities were massacred, I gave it the usual 1000 per city for a total of 5000.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God's Next Killing: The LORD delivered Chushanrishathaim
Table of God's Killings
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/14/2009 09:24:00 AM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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13 October 2009In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Divine Guide, Amen
Here's a fun news item from Conservapedia.
Panic sweeps liberals about our Conservative Bible Project. Another newspaper in the increasingly atheistic Canada runs a story about us.[15] Why are liberals who do not read the Bible themselves so opposed to this project?
Well, I can't speak for liberals that don't read the Bible, but I'm a liberal who reads the Bible (way too much) and I absolutely love the Conservative Bible Project (CBP). It's more effective in pouring ridicule and scorn on both conservatives and the Bible than any of my poor efforts at the SAB could ever be.
One of the things that I like most about the CBP is that you can see what the contributors are thinking. Here for example is the discussion on what the hell they should call the Holy Spirit.
First they deal with the Holy Ghost.
Doesn't the term "Holy Ghost" not convey the intended meaning? Since ghost conjures up images of haunted houses and stuff like that. If the idea here is to use terminology that accurately conveys the intended meaning to people of today, then "Spirit" is probably a better word. AddisonDM 22:57, 17 August 2009 (EDT)
But then Andy explains that changing from "Holy Ghost" to "Holy Spirit"
...had the false effect of immobilizing it in the minds of Christians....--Andy Schlafly 23:01, 17 August 2009 (EDT)
(Ghosts move around a lot better than spirits do.)
So the next word they try out is "Force". Here's what Andy says about it.
I've also wondered if there isn't a word better than "ghost" and "spirit". Perhaps something like "wind" but without the nature-worship connotation.-Andy Schlafly 18:01, 18 August 2009 (EDT)
Yeah, those nature-worshiping liberals would like "Holy Wind" too way much. And it might be confused with "Holy Fart".
But Andy knows lots of other words.
Or perhaps a word borrowed from an entirely different context, such as physics: "energy" or "force"? --Andy Schlafly 18:01, 18 August 2009 (EDT)
And he's rapidly converging on the correct, conservative name for the third person of the Trinity.
Coincidentally, I also thought of "force," though it seems almost too mathematical and physics-related. "Breath" is like wind, but sounds too animistic, while "presence" seems as passive as "spirit." I also wondered about "hand," though that muddles the separateness of the Holy Spirit... DouglasA 18:06, 18 August 2009 (EDT)
So "Holy Force" is too sciency, "Holy Breath" is too animistic, and "Holy Presence" is no better than spirit. "Holy Hand" sounds good, but since Jesus and his dad both have hands it could confuse people.
But Andy likes "Holy Force". Here's why.
It takes some getting used to, but I like "Holy Force." The term may appeal even more to teenagers. It may also gain traction with the physics-students-headed-for-atheism crowd. --Andy Schlafly 18:14, 18 August 2009 (EDT)
Yeah, it will sound so cool to "the physics-students-headed-for-atheism crowd"!
But what about the whole "Holy" thing? Couldn't we scrap that too?
P.S. We don't have to be tied down with the first word "Holy". Perhaps "Divine Force" is better still? --Andy Schlafly 18:16, 18 August 2009 (EDT)
And fuck "force". Let's go with "guide".
This is actually very interesting. I like the sound of "Divine Force" but perhaps that undermines the fact that the Holy Spirit is actually a seperate person of the Trinity. "Divine Force" sounds like a Jehovah's Witness or other non-trinitarian way of describing it. Almost something like "Divine Guide" works better, if you're going to completely change the rendering. AddisonDM 19:00, 18 August 2009 (EDT)
How easy wast that? I guess great minds really do think alike. The "Holy Ghost" was converted into a "Divine Guide" just like that. (It was a Holy Hand job.)
All that's left now is to congratulate each other.
Divine Guide" is very nice! I like it.
No translation has yet been based on the wiki approach, or the conservative approach. I think this project has great potential. Already I have learned enormously from this, as I'm sure other participants have.--Andy Schlafly 19:55, 18 August 2009 (EDT)
But Holy Shit! Now some of the guys are having second thoughts!
I think that "Divine Guide" may be too liberal sounding; to me it sound too much like a Navajo spirit or something. ... It's far too nebulous and frankly, new-age.... User:m9999 09:45, 06 October 2009 (EDT)
I'm with m9999. Divine Guide sounds pretty emasculating to me. Wmarshall 18:50, 6 October 2009 (EDT)
"Divine Guide" is liberal sounding and emasculating. Heck, from that name you can't even tell if the Holy Ghost has a penis or not. (He does, by the way. A really big one.)
But Andy likes it, so the Holy Ghost has a new name.
Here's how it sounds in the CBP version of Matthew 28:19.
"So go and make students from all ethnic groups, baptizing them in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Divine Guide,
No wonder liberals are so panicked about the CBP!
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/13/2009 11:05:00 AM 11 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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The Jerusalem Massacre
This is one of the Bible's shorter stories, so it's easy to miss. All the action is packed into one verse.
Now the children of Judah had fought against Jerusalem, and had taken it, and smitten it with the edge of the sword, and set the city on fire. Judges 1.8
This verse doesn't say that God had anything to do with the massacre, but the context makes it clear that he did. God chose the tribe of Judah to kill the Canaanites and "delivered them into their hand."
Now after the death of Joshua it came to pass, that the children of Israel asked the LORD, saying, Who shall go up for us against the Canaanites first, to fight against them? And the LORD said, Judah shall go up: behold, I have delivered the land into his hand ... And Judah went up; and the LORD delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites into their hand. 1:1-4
So God deserves the credit (or the blame) for the Jerusalem massacre, along with the other killings in Judges 1.
Since this was just an ordinary massacre, I gave 1000 for the number of victims.
Read more »
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/13/2009 09:04:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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12 October 2009The LORD delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites
After Joshua died, the Israelites wondered who was going to do their killing for them. So they asked God.
Can't you just picture it? Several million Israelites asking God together in unison:
Who shall go up for us against the Canaanites first, to fight against them? Judges 1.1
Well, at least they asked the right guy.
The LORD said, Judah shall go up: behold, I have delivered the land into his hand. 1.2
So God selected the tribe of Judah to kill the Canaanites and steal their land.
The first killing was easy, since God delivered them into their hand.
The LORD delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites into their hand: and they slew of them in Bezek ten thousand men. 1.4
After the Bezek massacre, they captured the king and cut off his thumbs and big toes.
But Adonibezek fled; and they pursued after him, and caught him, and cut off his thumbs and his great toes. 1.6
Which I guess was to pay him back for doing the same to seventy other kings.
Adonibezek said, Threescore and ten kings, having their thumbs and their great toes cut off, gathered their meat under my table: as I have done, so God hath requited me. 1.6
Then they brought him to Jerusalem, where he died.
And they brought him to Jerusalem, and there he died. 1.7
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Estimated Number Killed: 10,000
God's next killing: The Jerusalem massacre
List of God's killings
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/12/2009 10:43:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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09 October 2009God's Killings in Joshua
Here's a summary of God's killings in Joshua. Killing Event Verse Estimated number killed Cumulative total
1 The Jericho Massacre Joshua 6:21 1000 1000
2 A family are stoned and burned to death Joshua 7:10-12, 24-26 5 1005
3 The Ai Massacre Joshua 8:1-25 12,000 13,005
4 God makes the sun stand still so Joshua can get his killing done before dark Joshua 10:10-11 5000 18,005
5 Five kings killed and hung on trees Joshua 10:24-26 5 18,010
6 Massacre of seven kingdoms Joshua 10:28-42 7,000 25,010
7 Remaining kingdoms massacred Joshua 11:8-12 10,000 35,010
8 More giant killing Joshua 11:20-21 5,000 40,010
Let me know if I've missed any.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/09/2009 09:10:00 PM 20 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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07 October 2009The Anakim: Some more giant killing
We've finally made it to the last of God's killings in Joshua. And although this one is pretty unspectacular, it does involve some giant killing.
If you remember back in Deuteronomy, God killed everyone in the "land of the giants." Here he helps Joshua do it again.
The victims were the Anakim, who are described elsewhere in the Bible (Deuteronomy 1.28, 2.10, 2.21, and 9.2) as "a people great and tall" -- which is biblespeak for "giants".
Joshua ... cut off the Anakims from the mountains, from Hebron, from Debir, from Anab, and from all the mountains of Judah, and from all the mountains of Israel: Joshua destroyed them utterly with their cities. There was none of the Anakims left in the land of the children of Israel. Joshua 11.21-22
Since Joshua utterly destroyed all their cities and no Anakim were left alive, I estimated the number of victims to be 5000.
God's next killing: The Lord delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/07/2009 04:19:00 PM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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The Gospel According to Mark Andy: The Liberal plot against Jesus
The Conservative Bible Project is off to a fine start. It is rapidly converging on the absurd.
Here's my favorite verse so far:
The Liberals then fled from the scene to plot with Herod's people against Jesus, and plan how they might destroy him. Mark 3:6
(Who knew that the Pharisees were liberals?)
Here are a few more fun verses from Mark's Andy's Gospel.
Mark 2:8
King James Version (KJV)
And immediately when Jesus perceived in his spirit that they so reasoned within themselves, he said unto them, Why reason ye these things in your hearts?
Conservative Bible (CB)
Jesus perceived immediately what the intellectual types were thinking, and he asked them, "Why are you so hostile to this?
CBP Comment: the hostility was to the forgiveness
(Intellectual types hate forgiveness.)
Mark 2:16
KJV
And when the scribes and Pharisees saw him eat with publicans and sinners, they said unto his disciples, How is it that he eateth and drinketh with publicans and sinners?
CB
Seeing him eating with the tax collectors and sinners, the Pharisees and intellectuals demanded of his disciples, "Why does he eat and drink with these tax collectors and sinners?"
Mark 3:2
KJV
And they watched him, whether he would heal him on the sabbath day; that they might accuse him.
CB
The Liberals watched Jesus to see if they might catch and accuse him of healing on the Sabbath.
CB comment: Tentatively using "Elite" rather than "Pharisees" or skeptical "teachers" for more modern accessability. See talk. - "Self proclaimed elite" = "liberals", fits modern terminology, see talk.
(It's hard to decide, isn't it? Were the bad guys Liberals, skeptics, or elites?)
Mark 3:4
KJV
And he saith unto them, Is it lawful to do good on the sabbath days, or to do evil? to save life, or to kill? But they held their peace.
CB
Jesus asked the Liberals, "Which is lawful on the Sabbath: doing good or evil? Saving a life, or killing one?" The Liberals did not answer.
(The Liberals didn't answer because they're chicken shit and anti-life.)
Mark 3:22
KJV
And the scribes which came down from Jerusalem said, He hath Beelzebub, and by the prince of the devils casteth he out devils.
CB
Jerusalem intellectuals came also, smearing Jesus by saying "He has Beelzebub and casts out devils by the power of the devil!"
(Don't you just love it when intellectuals come smearing Jesus? I do.)
I hope this project never dies!
What's your favorite verse from the Conservative Bible?
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14 October 2009: The CBP has changed "Liberals" back to "Pharisees, but "scribes" are still "intellectual types".
15 October 2009: "Intellectuals" and "intellectual types" have reverted to "scribes". Can the "Divine Guide" be far behind?
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/07/2009 07:53:00 AM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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05 October 2009Conservapedia is fixing the Bible (to make it fair and balanced)
This is going to be fun to watch! Conservapedia is doing the Bible the way Fox does the news.
The Conservative Bible Project is completely re-doing the Bible to make it fair and balanced by removing its well-known liberal bias. It's about time someone did that.
Here's an example.
You've probably heard through the liberal media that Jesus said while he was dying on the cross: "Forgive them father, for they no not what they do." Well that is a liberal falsehood. (He actually said, "You're all going to fry forever in Hell for this.") The liberals that created the KJV just added that verse to make Jesus look like fucking hippie.
But they haven't Conservapediaed this verse yet. They've only done Philemon and Mark 1-7 so far. (I guess they started with the New Testament since there's more liberal shit (i.e., good stuff) in there. Heck, they may just leave the Old Testament alone. It's already fair and balanced.
Here are a few verses that they've corrected so far.
KJV:
And when he was alone, they that were about him with the twelve asked of him the parable. And he said unto them, Unto you it is given to know the mystery of the kingdom of God: but unto them that are without, all these things are done in parables: That seeing they may see, and not perceive; and hearing they may hear, and not understand; lest at any time they should be converted, and their sins should be forgiven them. Mark 4:10-12
Conservapedia Version:
Privately a few along with the twelve Apostles asked Jesus about the parable. He said to them, "You have been granted insight into the kingdom of God, but to others the parables contain the mysteries: that they may see but not perceive and hear but not understand; yet should they convert, then their sins shall be forgiven."
I guess sometimes Jesus is just too conservative for Conservapedia. In the KJV, Jesus explains why he speaks in parables: to confuse people so that they won't be converted (and will therefore go to Hell). Conservapedia gives it a new, liberal spin. Jesus talked in parables so that people wouldn't understand, but if they (somehow) convert (after being confused by the parables) their sins will be forgiven.
Here's another one where Jesus is going rogue and needs correction.
KJV:
And he said unto them, Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition. For Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death. Mark 7:9-10
Conservapedia Version:
Isaiah also told them, 'You turn your backs on the commandment of God, in order to cling to your own customs.' For Moses said, 'Honor your father and mother; and whoever curses his father or mother should receive the death penalty';
Once again, Jesus is just too conservative for Conservapedia. Jesus wouldn't say that the Pharisees should execute children for cursing their parents. (Sarah Palin might, but Jesus wouldn't.) So they blame it on Isaiah instead.
So some passages are too liberal and some are too conservative. But some are just right. Take Mark 4:25, for example.
KJV:
For he that hath, to him shall be given: and he that hath not, from him shall be taken even that which he hath.
Conservapedia Version:
"He who has will be given, while he doesn't will see that little which he has taken from him."
Now that's a fair and balanced verse!
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This is one of those really bad ideas that will die quickly. So see it now because it won't last long. (I suspect that Andy Schlafly and his mom are busy trying to find the least embarrassing way to quietly kill it.)
How long do you think it will last?
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/05/2009 09:27:00 AM 16 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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04 October 2009There was not any left to breathe.
In God’s last killing, everyone in seven cities was massacred, along with the kings, with the land taken by the Israelites. When King Jabin of Hazor heard about it, he sent a letter to all the surrounding kingdoms (those that hadn’t yet been slaughtered by the Israelites) to form a coalition to defend against the Israelites.
When Jabin king of Hazor had heard those things, that he sent to Jobab king of Madon, and to the king of Shimron, and to the king of Achshaph, And to the kings that were on the north of the mountains, and of the plains south of Chinneroth, and in the valley, and in the borders of Dor on the west, And to the Canaanite on the east and on the west, and to the Amorite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, and the Jebusite in the mountains, and to the Hivite under Hermon in the land of Mizpeh. Joshua 11.1-3
And it worked, too. All the kings (around 20 or so) joined the coalition, forming an army with more soldiers than the grains of sand on all the ocean’s beaches.
And they went out, they and all their hosts with them, much people, even as the sand that is upon the sea shore in multitude, with horses and chariots very many. And when all these kings were met together, they came and pitched together at the waters of Merom, to fight against Israel. 11.4-5
But God told Joshua not to be afraid because tomorrow he would kill them all and deliver their dead bodies to Joshua.
The LORD said unto Joshua, Be not afraid because of them: for to morrow about this time will I deliver them up all slain before Israel. 11.6a
God told Joshua to hamstring ("hough" in the KJV) their horses and burn their chariots.
The LORD said unto Joshua ... thou shalt hough their horses, and burn their chariots with fire. 11.6b
And that’s what happened.
The LORD delivered them into the hand of Israel, who smote them … until they left them none remaining. And Joshua did unto them as the LORD bade him: he houghed their horses, and burnt their chariots with fire. 11.8-9
The Israelites killed the King Jabin of Hazor and his people until “there was not any left to breathe.”
Joshua … took Hazor, and smote the king thereof with the sword: for Hazor beforetime was the head of all those kingdoms. And they smote all the souls that were therein with the edge of the sword, utterly destroying them: there was not any left to breathe: and he burnt Hazor with fire. 11.10-11
Then they did the same to all of the other kings and cities in King Jabin’s coalition.
All the cities of those kings, and all the kings of them, did Joshua take, and smote them with the edge of the sword, and he utterly destroyed them, as Moses the servant of the LORD commanded. 11.12
Joshua, of course, killed all the kings.
So Joshua took ... all their kings ... and smote them, and slew them. 11.16-17
But the most disgusting thing about this whole bloody, genocidal affair is that it was completely unnecessary. God purposefully hardened the kings’ hearts so that he would have an excuse to kill them, along with all the men, women, children, and babies in their kingdoms.
For it was of the LORD to harden their hearts, that they should come against Israel in battle, that he might destroy them utterly, and that they might have no favour, but that he might destroy them, as the LORD commanded Moses. 11.20
Such a God, if he existed, should be hated by every decent person on earth.
(I estimated 20,000 for this killing, 1000 from each kingdom.)
God's next killing: The Anakim -- Some more giant killing
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/04/2009 11:42:00 AM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Steven Weiberg doesn't like God
(No one does who is honest about it.)
I really don't like God. It's silly to say that I don't like God, because I don't believe believe in God. But in the same sense that I don't like Iago, or the Reverend Slope, or any of the other villains of literature. The God of traditional Judaism, Christianity and Islam seems to me a terrible character. He's a God who is obsessed with the degree to which people worship him and anxious to punish with the most awful torments those who don't worship him in the right way.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/04/2009 09:42:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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02 October 2009The Bad-News Bears: A guest post from Brucker
Me with the *other* King of kings.I think a lot of people are surprised to hear that I like Steve Wells. I have a personal theory about the way people interact with each other, and it's very telling when you see the way people interact in particular on the Internet. You see, if somebody outspoken disagrees with you, it's easier to dismiss them as a jerk if you don't really know them. The Internet gives us access to millions upon millions of potential jerks, but it gets more difficult to turn someone into a jerk if you've taken the time to know them a little better.
Now, Steve and I are hardly bosom buddies, but we've e-mailed each other and commented on each other's sites enough that I'd like to think we have a certain mutual respect for each other as people, without agreeing much in the slightest on theology. One thing that I do know about Steve is that one of his favorite Bible verses is 2Kings 2:23-24.
"And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them." (King James Version)
Only you can prevent the wrath of Almighty God!That may not be exactly a secret though, as he's blogged on it several times, the October 1st entry being a recycling of a post from 2007 as he implied. However, two days before I started my blog, on July 26, 2005, Steve wrote me an e-mail ending with: "I’d like to know a bit more about you and get a better idea of how you would respond [to the SAB]. How about sending me an example? I’d prefer something challenging, like say 2 Kings 2:23-24." So I could tell right away that Steve was a smart guy who knew how to cut to the heart of the matter, and I must admit, while I still have this e-mail, I thus also have record that I had no response.
"Are there any Bible believers that are not bothered by this story?" Steve asks. I can't answer for all Bible-believers, but yeah, I for one am bothered by it. There are issues in the Bible that don't have easy answers, and I agree heartily with Steve that it's easier to focus on why perceived contradictions are not contradictions than to deal with perceived cruelty. And when it comes to perceived cruelty, this passage takes the cake.
But that's the Old Testament...No, I'm kidding. There are a lot of easy cop-outs like that one could take. Actually, looking into this verse, I was amused to find that even one translation of the Bible incorporated some of the (potential) cop-outs into its wording.
"He went up from Jericho to Bethel. On the way, young [maturing and accountable] boys came out of the city and mocked him and said to him, Go up [in a whirlwind], you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!" (v.23, Amplified Bible)
For those not familiar with the Amplified, it tends to insert [in-line comments] to clarify terms, but frankly, I think they're stretching here.
But it's a good segue into the usual explanations. Some people have argued that the "little children" were really young men or teenagers, but aside from the fact that the Hebrew (n'arim q'tannim) doesn't support this (although it allows such an interpretation, as the same noun is used of Joseph in Egypt when he may have been as old as 39), it honestly makes little difference to most people. Is it really less cruel to kill 42 "young men" than "little children"? All other things being equal, I don't think this helps much.
Although I hope it wouldn’t come to that!Yet there is one more thing to say about this. Even if one assumes that these were indeed young children, how intimidating would it be to be accosted by a crowd of (at least) 42 kids who were clearly hostile to you? Have you ever considered how many five-year-olds you could take in a fight? If that linked site is to be believed, I myself couldn't handle more than 23, and as far as I can determine, even the toughest fighter can't take more than about 40. It's not completely unreasonable to assume that Elisha felt threatened, or perhaps was genuinely threatened. After all, do you think 42 boys just stood there and let the bears attack them? If the bears caught 42, how many do you suppose there were in total? My guess would be at least 100. Whatever the age of this group accosting Elisha, they weren't just a few kids sitting around, but were some sort of semi-organized mob. Many have suggested that this was some sort of Israeli street gang, a suggestion I find very believable.
The second inserted note in the Amplified Bible points to something that is likely very important about the story, although the Hebrew definitely doesn't support it in such a direct fashion. In context, it is very likely that the issue was not mainly a matter of taunting over baldness, but that these kids were saying effectively that now that the prophet Elijah was gone (see earlier in the chapter), they wish Elisha would go away, too. If so, this is probably key to the story. These kids, knowing full well that the great prophet Elijah had been taken up into Heaven in a miraculous fashion, mocked not only Elisha by their statement, but the great prophet Elijah and the God that both of them served.
Sticks and stones...Being involved in amateur apologetics for so many years, I've noticed a few interesting things about the Bible, you might guess. There is something that I've noticed about a handful of the more shocking verses in the Bible that I just realized has application here. In Numbers 15:32-36, a man is stoned to death for gathering kindling on the sabbath. In Joshua 7, the whole nation gets punished and one man's entire family is put to death for taking a few items from the city of Jericho. In 2Samuel 6, a man is struck down by God for touching the Ark fo the Covenant. And to not leave the New Testament out, in Acts 5, a man and his wife are struck dead for telling a white lie (not for stealing, see v. 4). These verses have something in common with each other, and with the verse in question here. They all occurred near the beginning of a new phase in God's work with the nation of Israel. When God starts something, like the nation of Israel, the conquest of Canaan, formalized religious practice in a newly-established kingdom, or a worldwide Church, He has this tendency (like it or not) to deal decisively with problems right out of the gate in order to send the message, "I'm serious about this. Really serious." This was the beginning of Elisha's ministry, and God wanted to let people know that this was not a man to be taken lightly, as he would be speaking on behalf of God. (Yes, essentially, I'm saying that however cruel you may consider God to be, at least He's consistently so.)
So what does it all add up to? An unruly mob of kids with no respect for authority gang up on a known prophet of God, and get punished for it. (Some have pointed out that the passage doesn't say that the kids were killed, but getting mauled by a bear even a little bit is serious stuff.) It served a purpose in punishing these kids for their lack of respect, punishing their parents indirectly for not controlling their kids and teaching them to respect authority, and letting Israel as a whole know that God expected his prophet to be treated with due respect. Sure, maybe one can think of other ways to have dealt with them, but the fact that this is shocking and violent is, in many ways, the very point of the story. Like the image above appropriated from Cracked magazine, it's outrageous, but hopefully you get it.
There's a message that is pretty consistent throughout the Bible that non-believers don't tend to get: from a spiritual perspective, mocking God is potentially as serious as--no make that far more serious than getting mauled by a bear. Clearly, that's not an easy answer, but in a very real sense, that's the only answer that makes any sense of this passage. I can totally understand that a non-believer would find that hard to swallow, and I respect that. Does the fact that I happen to believe that make me just another fundie jerk from the Internet? I suppose just like the passage itself, that's for you to judge for yourself.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/02/2009 02:47:00 PM 58 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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29 November 2009Judges 19: Gang rape, dismemberment, and body part messages
I was going to skip over this story, since it is so damned disgusting and God seemed to have nothing much to do with it (other than inspiring it, that is). And yet, it's in the Bible, so it must be important to him. Maybe a believer that can explain why God likes it so much.
It seems to be based upon Genesis 19, where the just and righteous Lot offers his virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers.
This time, though, the visitor that the men of the city found so attractive was a Levite, not a couple of angels. (As always, see the Brick Testament for the details.)
Now as they were making their hearts merry, behold, the men of the city, certain sons of Belial, beset the house round about, and beat at the door, and spake to the master of the house, the old man, saying, Bring forth the man that came into thine house, that we may know him. Judges 19:22
Can't you just picture it? All the men of a city come to a house and demand to have sex with the new guy in town.
So what do you think the host did when he answered the door? Well, he offered the mob his virgin daughter (and his guest's concubine), of course! It's the polite thing to do. Any just and righteous man would do the same.
Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you: but unto this man do not so vile a thing. Judges 19:22
But the the men didn't want his virgin daughter, so he gave them the concubine instead.
But the men would not hearken to him: so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning. Judges 19:25
The next morning, the concubine came back to the house and collapsed at the door.
The Levite opened the door, saw the concubine lying there, and told her to get up. But she didn't answer. So he put her on his donkey and went home.
And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel. Judges 19:29
Did you catch that? The Levite cut the concubine into twelve pieces and sent the bloody body parts to the twelve tribes of Israel. (As Brucker points out, the text doesn't even say whether the concubine was alive or dead when her body was dismembered.)
Now that is a strange way to send a message! Someone from each tribe of Israel got a rotting piece of flesh in the mail. What the fuck were they supposed to make of that? (Oh, look Martha, here's a stinking hunk of putrefied abdomen that arrived in the mail parcel post!)
The story ends with this advice:
Consider of it, take advice, and speak your minds. Judges 19:30
Those who do consider it will immediately reject the idea that the Bible was inspired by God. Hopefully, they will then speak their minds.
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There is nothing in this story that indicates that God disapproves of:
A man having a sex slave (concubine)
A father offering his virgin daughter to a sex-crazed mob
Chopping up bodies (dead or alive)
Sending messages with body parts
It's just a stupid, nasty story that was put in the Bible because it is a stupid, nasty story.
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/29/2009 12:53:00 PM 35 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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21 November 2009Psalm 109ers: The new face of the Republican Party
You've heard of the birthers, the teabaggers, the 9/12ers.
Now we have the Psalm 109ers.
It's the new face of the Republican Party. Praying for people to die, starting with Barack Obama.
The Republican Party is embracing the hatred in the Bible.
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/21/2009 01:21:00 PM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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20 November 2009Sarah Palin is praying for me
OK, not just for me, but for all of her "lonely, shallow" critics.
I wonder if she and her "prayer warriors" use Psalm 109 as a model for her prayer.
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/20/2009 04:38:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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19 November 2009The Massacre of the Peaceful, Unsuspecting People
OK, enough messing around. I've got to get back to God's killings in Judges.
What do you think about this one? Should it be included on God's list?
The story begins with the tribe of Dan (one of the 12 tribes of Israel) looking for a nice place to live. So they sent out five men to find some land.
On their way, they stopped at a Micah's house and asked his priest to ask God where they should go to find some land. The priest told them to just go looking for it, and that God would be with them wherever they went.
So they left there and came to a place called Laish, where the people lived peaceful, secure, carefree lives.
The five men ... came to Laish, and saw the people that were therein, how they dwelt careless, ... quiet and secure; and there was no magistrate in the land, that might put them to shame in any thing. Judges 18:7
Then the five men returned and told the other Danites to attack Laish, saying that God had given it into their hands.
When ye go, ye shall come unto a people secure, and to a large land: for God hath given it into your hands; a place where there is no want of any thing that is in the earth. Judges 18:10
So they round up 600 soldiers and march off toward Laish.
(On the way, they stop off at Micah's place, steal his idols and priest, and then proceed toward Laish.)
When they get to Laish, they kill all of the peaceful, unsuspecting people, burn their city, and take their land.
The children of Dan ... came unto Laish, unto a people that were at quiet and secure: and they smote them with the edge of the sword, and burnt the city with fire. Judges 18:26-27
It was just another bible massacre. But was God responsible for it?
I think there's enough evidence to show that God approved of the massacre, but did he help the Danites do it or just sit back and enjoy the show?
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/19/2009 09:20:00 PM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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A Prayer for Christian Terrorists: Let his days be few, his children fatherless, his wife a widow
Have you seen this bumper sticker yet?
It looks pretty harmless doesn't it? Pray for Obama, with a reference to the Psalms. What could be more harmless than the Psalms?
Unless you've read the Psalms, that is.
Here is the verse that is referred to on the bumper sticker.
Let his days be few; and let another take his office. Psalm 109:8
Like almost everything else in the Bible, it's not too clear, is it?
When applied to Barack Obama, it could just be asking God to help Sarah Palin defeat him in 2012.
Or it could be praying for his death now, natural or otherwise.
But let's look at the context.
Here is the verse immediately after the verse on the bumper sticker.
Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow. Psalm 109:9
Well, that clears it up, doesn't it? The prayer is either asking God to kill Obama, or asking God to inspire someone else to do it for him.
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21 November 2009 Note: Cafe Press has banned all Psalm 109 merchandise.
(Don't you love it when the Bible is recognized as hate speech?)
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/19/2009 05:37:00 PM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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17 November 2009Beauty Pageants, Breast Implants, and Sex Tapes (What the Bible says about Carrie Prejean)
Here are some quotes from Carrie Prejean's interview with Christianity Today -- along with some stupid stuff I found in the Bible.
"I think you can be a Christian and compete in a pageant."
That could be. But, as usual, the Bible is far from clear about this.
On the one hand, there is Esther, who became queen by winning a raunchy beauty/sex contest (As Misty pointed out in the comments and I had completely forgotten). Here is her story.
King Ahasuerus throws a party and encourages his guests to drink to excess. Then, when they are all drunk, he orders Queen Vashti to show her stuff before him and his guests. Esther 1:7-11
Vashti refuses to entertain the king's drunken guests by dancing before them. For this she is no longer to be queen, to be replaced by someone better (prettier). 1:12-19
So "all the fair young virgins" throughout the kingdom are brought before the king, and the one that "pleaseth" the king the most will replace Vashti. 2:2-4
When it was Esther turn to "go in unto the king," she pleases him the most. So, having won the sex contest, she is made queen in Vashti's place. 2:8-17
On the other hand, here's some stuff from the New Testament that might be a problem for Christian beauty pageant contestants.
I will that ... women adorn themselves in modest apparel ... not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array. 1 Timothy 2:8-9
Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel. 1 Peter 3:3
(Well, at least she doesn't have braided hair!)
"I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants."
Carrie might be right about that. For example, here's a case where God brags about helping a woman enhance her "ornaments". Heck, he even personally fashioned her breasts for her! (God is a hair dresser and a breast enhancer. Who knew?)
I [God] have caused thee to ... come to excellent ornaments: thy breasts are fashioned, and thine hair is grown. Ezekiel 16:6
And here's a case where the Bible expresses concern for a woman's small breasts. (If breast implants were available at the time, the problem would have been solved.)
We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for? Song of Solomon 8:8
And in this verse, her big sister brags about her big breasts.
My breasts like towers. Song of Solomon 8:10
So score this one for Carrie. God likes big breasts, natural or not.
"There is a video out there of me."
(According to RadarOnline.com, there are at least 8 of them, each showing her performing solo sex acts.)
God might have a beef with Carrie on this one, depending on what kind of props she used in her videos.
"Thou hast ... madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with them." Ezekiel 16:17
And it came to pass through the lightness of her whoredom, that she defiled the land, and committed adultery with stones and with stocks. Jeremiah 3:9
They have seen her nakedness: yea, she sigheth, and turneth backward. Lamentations 1:8-9
So, on the whole, I think Carrie should be careful. God does some nasty stuff to women when he thinks they've misbehaved.
Here's just one example from Ezekiel.
The nakedness of thy whoredoms shall be discovered, both thy lewdness and thy whoredoms .... Thou shalt even drink it and suck it out ... and pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD. Ezekiel 23:29-34
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/17/2009 12:45:00 PM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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11 November 2009Samson kills 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack
After Samson finished killing 1000 men with a jawbone of an ass, he had sex with a prostitute.
Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her. Judges 16:1
At midnight he left the prostitute and ripped out the doors and gate posts of the city and carried them to the top of a hill.
Samson lay till midnight, and arose at midnight, and took the doors of the gate of the city, and the two posts, and went away with them, bar and all, and put them upon his shoulders, and carried them up to the top of an hill that is before Hebron. Judges 16:3
Then Samson saw and fell in love with Delilah.
Afterward ... he loved a woman ... whose name was Delilah. Judges 16:4
Now Delilah was paid by the Philistines to find the magical source of Samson's strength and to figure out how he could be restrained. So she asked Samson three times about it, while some Philistines hid in another room.
The first time he said that he'd become as weak as any other man if he were tied up with bowstrings. So she did that and then shouted, "Hey Samson, the Philistines are coming!" But he broke the bowstrings as though they were burnt strings.
She asked again and he told her to use ropes. So she tied him with ropes and then shouted, "Hey Samson, the Philistines are coming!" But he broke the ropes like they were threads.
She asked him a third time, and he told her to weave his seven braids into a cloth and fasten the whole mess to the wall. So she did that and then shouted, "Hey Samson (you dumb shit), the Philistines are coming!" But he broke out of that one, too.
But Delilah didn't give up. She kept pestering him until finally Samson told her the true source of his strength. It was his hair. If his hair was shaved off, he'd become as weak as any other man.
So when Samson fell asleep on her lap, she cut his hair. Then the Philistines captured Samson, gouged out his eyes, and put him in prison.
Later at one of their big parties, the Philistines brought Samson out to entertain them. Here's what happened.
Now the house was full of ... about three thousand men and women ... And Samson called unto the LORD, and said, O Lord God .. strengthen me ... that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes ... and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life. Judges 16:27-30
This was the first suicide terrorist act. It resulted in the deaths of 3000 civilian men and women. God approved of it and gave Samson the strength to do it. And although the Bible doesn't say so, there are unconfirmed reports that Samson shouted "God is great" as the walls came tumbling down.
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God's next killing
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/11/2009 08:22:00 PM 13 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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09 November 2009The Spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass
In my last post, I described how Samson's brief (week-long) marriage to a Philistine woman was prearranged by God so that Samson would murder 30 Philistines for their clothes. That was the first chapter of Samson's life (Judges 14). Here's the next.
After Samson murdered the 30 Philistines, he went his wife's house to have sex with her. He even brought a young goat along to pay her for her services.
Samson visited his wife with a kid; and he said, I will go in to my wife into the chamber. Judges 15:1
But then her father had to tell him the bad news: he had given Samson's wife to one of his friends because he thought that he "hated" her.
And her father said, I verily thought that thou hadst utterly hated her; therefore I gave her to thy companion. Judges 15:2a
His father-in-law suggested that Samson just take his younger daughter. Heck, she's prettier anyway.
Is not her younger sister fairer than she? take her, I pray thee, instead of her. Judges 15:2b
But Samson had a better idea. An idea that only one of God's special heroes could come up with. He'd catch 300 foxes, tie their tails together, light them on fire, and set them loose in the Philistine's grain fields.
And Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, and took firebrands, and turned tail to tail, and put a firebrand in the midst between two tails. Judges 15:4
When the Philistines found out about it, they burned to death Samson's wife and father-in-law.
Then the Philistines said, Who hath done this? And they answered, Samson, the son of the Timnite, because he had taken his wife, and given her to his companion. And the Philistines came up, and burnt her and her father with fire. Judges 15:2b
In response, Samson smote the Philistines "hip and thigh" with a great slaughter. (I'm not including this killing on God's list, since the story doesn't tell us that "the Spirit of the Lord came upon him" or otherwise directly say that God was involved.)
And Samson said unto them, Though ye have done this, yet will I be avenged of you, and after that I will cease. And he smote them hip and thigh with a great slaughter. Judges 15:7-8
Then Samson went to hang out "in the top of the rock Etam" for a while. While he was there, 3000 men of Judah came, tied him up and took him to the Philistines. When they delivered Samson "the Spirit of the Lord came upon him" and he broke the ropes and killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.
The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him ... And he found a new jawbone of an ass and slew a thousand men therewith. Judges 15:14-15
Samson was thirsty after the killing, so God made water come out of the same jawbone so that Samson could get a drink.
And he was sore athirst, and called on the LORD, and ... God clave an hollow place that was in the jaw, and there came water thereout; and when he had drunk, his spirit came again. Judges 15:18-19
Does anyone really believe this stuff? Well, yes they do, unfortunately. Over two billion people believe (or pretend to believe) that this story actually happened exactly as it is recorded in Judges 15. Samson tied the tails of 300 foxes together and set them on fire and then he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.
Of course most believers have never read the story and don't even know it exists, but they believe it anyway, completely and implicitly, because they believe that everything in the Bible is true.
It's easier to believe in stories like this if you don't know they exist.
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God's next killing: Samson kills 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/09/2009 12:10:00 PM 21 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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05 November 2009The Spirit of the Lord comes upon Samson and he murders 30 men for their clothes
Just when you think the stories in Judges couldn't get any stupider, the next one comes along to prove you wrong.
Take the story of Samson, for example.
It starts out in the usual way, with the children of Israel doing evil in the sight of the Lord and the Lord doing what he always does in such cases: he sells them. (Except that this time the Bible says he "delivered" them to the Philistines for forty years, so maybe the Israelites were a gift and he didn't get paid for them.)
Of course, after giving, selling, or renting the Israelites to the Philistines, God needed to find someone to help kill the Israelites' new owners. And that, as you probably guessed, is where Samson comes in.
(This is the first time that the third step in God's famous four-step process was skipped. At least I can't find where the Israelites cry out to the Lord. Oh well, maybe they cried out, but God couldn't hear them or just forgot to tell us about it.)
Samson's birth was a lot like Jesus'. An angel visited his mom to announce that she was going to have a son. He even came again unto her when her husband wasn't around and got her pregnant.
So Samson's birth was a fucking miracle.
And the Lord blessed him ... and the Spirit of the LORD began to move him at times. Judges 13:24-25
The first thing the Bible tells us about Samson is this:
Samson ... saw a woman ... of the daughters of the Philistines ... And Samson said unto his father ... Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well. Judges 14:1-3
Now Samson's folks were a bit troubled by this, since they knew how crazy God gets when an Israelite even thinks about marrying a non-Israelite. But then they didn't know that this was all a part of God's plan.
But his father and his mother knew not that it was of the LORD, that he sought an occasion against the Philistines. Judges 14:4
Samson was on his way to visit his new Philistine girlfriend when "the Spirit of the LORD came mightily" on him. Now in the Bible, there's pretty much only one thing that happens when the Spirit of the Lord comes upon somebody: the spirit-filled person kills something. That's what happened here.
Behold, a young lion roared against him. And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he rent him as he would have rent a kid. Judges 14:5-6
When he arrived his Philistine girlfriend's place "she pleased Samson well" and then he returned home. On his way he saw the lion carcass...
...and, behold, there was a swarm of bees and honey in the carcase of the lion. Judges 14:8
Which, of course, was another miracle.
The spirit of God came upon Samson and he killed a lion. Then God sent bees to make honey from the dead lion's body.
Of course, it's also possible that the dead lion was covered with flies (not bees) and the putrefying flesh and maggots looked like honey to the dumb as shit Samson. (In which case the "honey" would have been pretty nasty stuff!)
Well whatever it was, Samson thought it tasted pretty darned sweet. He even brought some home to his folks, although he didn't tell them where it came from.
And he took thereof in his hands, and went on eating, and came to his father and mother, and he gave them, and they did eat: but he told not them that he had taken the honey out of the carcase of the lion. Judges 14:9
Although the Bible doesn't actually say so, I guess Samson married the Philistine woman that pleased him well. And they had a week-long party with thirty of Samson's new-found Philistine friends.
At the party Samson told a riddle.
I will now put forth a riddle unto you ... Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness. Judges 14:12-13
Wasn't that a great riddle? Anyway, Samson told his guests that whoever could figure it out before the week of partying is over would get 30 sheets and 30 garments. But whoever can't will have to give Samuel 30 sheets and 30 garments.
Now the party goers took the riddle pretty seriously. So they asked Samson's new wife to tell them the answer or they'd burn her house down. She finally got the answer from Samson and then she told the guys at the party. So Samson didn't get his 30 sets of sheets and garments.
Samson was pissed. He accused his guests of ... well, I'm not sure what. Here's what he said:
If ye had not plowed with my heifer, ye had not found out my riddle. Judges 14:18
So the party animals plowed with Samson's heifer and they found out his riddle.
And then God gets involved again.
And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men of them, and took their spoil, and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle. Judges 14:19
So Samson went to another Philistine town (Ashkelon) and killed 30 men and took their clothes to give to the guys at his party for solving the riddle.
Oh, and then in the next verse, Samson's new wife is given to the best man at his wedding.
But Samson's wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend. Judges 14:20
So everything worked out according to God's plan. Samson's brief (1 week) marriage, the lion and honey episode, the clever riddle and the clothing bet -- It was all carefully planned by God so that, in the end, Samson would murder thirty men for their clothes.
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Oh, did you get Samson's riddle? Me neither.
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God's next killing: The spirit of the Lord comes upon Samson and he kills 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/05/2009 10:40:00 AM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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02 November 2009Jephthah's Daughter
In the last killing, the spirit of the Lord came upon Jephthah and he promised that he would offer to God a burned sacrifice of whatever comes out to greet him if God would help him massacre the Ammonites. God came through with his end of the deal by delivering 20 cities into Jephthah's hand and "he smote them ... with a very great slaughter."
When Jephthah returned home after slaughtering the Ammonites, his daughter came out to meet him.
Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances. Judges 11.34
When Jephthah saw his daughter, he tore his clothes and told her that he had opened his mouth to God.
When he saw her, that he rent his clothes, and said, Alas, my daughter … for I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back. 11.35
His daughter (who is unnamed in the Bible) said,
My father, if thou hast opened thy mouth unto the LORD, do to me according to that which hath proceeded out of thy mouth. 11.36
What had proceeded out of Jephthah’s mouth was, of course, a God-inspired promise to God to kill whatever greeted him. And so by God, that's what he did. A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
And ... her father ... did with her according to his vow which he had vowed. 11.39
God inspired Jephthah to make the vow, so he expected him to abide by it. And God was so pleased when Jephthah killed his daughter for him that he decided to kill his own son for you.
But I'll save that story for later.
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God's next killing: 42,000 killed for failing the "Shibboleth" test
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/02/2009 01:18:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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The Ammonite massacre
This is the fifth time the same stupid story is repeated in Judges (See Judges 2:14, 3:8, 4:2, and 6:1 for the others), so you know by now what's going to happen.
The Israelites do evil in the sight of the Lord.
God gets angry and sells them as slaves. (This time to the Ammonites.)
The Israelites cry out to God.
God slaughters the people he sold the Israelites to.
A few details change each time the story is told: the number of years that the Israelites are enslaved, the people that he sells them to, and the person that he chooses to help him with the massacre. This time God chooses Jephthah.
As usual, everything starts to go to hell when the spirit of the Lord comes upon Jephthah.
Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah ... And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. Judges 11:29-31
Did you catch that? The spirit of the Lord comes upon Jephthah and he promises to kill whatever comes out to greet him if God will help him massacre the Ammonites. God not only approved of Jephthah's vow, he inspired it.
And, of course, God comes through with his end of the deal by giving Jephthah "a very great slaughter."
So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands. And he smote them ... even twenty cities ... with a very great slaughter. Judges 11:29-39
God delivered 20 cities into Jephthah's hand and "he smote them ... with a very great slaughter." And then Jephthah came home, which leads us to God's next killing.
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Note: I originally only gave God credit for 1000 in this killing, but I increased it to 20,000 to account for the 20 massacred cities.
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/02/2009 10:26:00 AM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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23 December 2009Five Golden Hemorrhoids ... and a partridge in a pear tree
Garrison Keillor says that atheists and Jews should "buzz off" at Christmas time and leave the holiday to believers.
But I like Christmas too much to leave it to Mr. Keillor and other mindless bigots.* In fact, I'd like to propose an improvement to one of their carols.
"The Twelve Days of Christmas" is a fun song, but none of the gifts have much to do with the Bible or Christianity. There are no french hens, leaping lords, or swimming swans in the Bible. And what's with the "Five Golden Rings" thing?
So let's change "Five Golden Rings" to something that has some religious significance. Something that is found in the Bible. Something God would appreciate.
Five Golden Hemorrhoids!
(If you don't know about them, you can read about them here.)
So this Christmas, in honor of Garrison Keillor, whenever you sing "The Twelve Days of Christmas" substitute "Five Golden Hemorrhoids" (or "Five Golden Rhoids") for "Five Golden Rings."
God and Garrison Keillor will love you for it!
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Some believers might object by saying that the five golden hemorrhoids were from the Old Testament, so they have nothing to do with Jesus. But if so, they are forgetting that everything in the Old Testament points to Jesus. So the only question is this: How do the five golden hemorrhoids point to Jesus?
And the answer is perfectly obvious: The five golden hemorrhoids represent the five wounds of Christ in the crucifixion. They were fashioned out of gold and given to God as a present in the same way the wise men brought gifts to the baby Jesus at Christmas time.
Like everything else in the Bible, it all makes perfect sense.
Merry Christmas!
*I don't really think Garrison Keillor is a mindless bigot. I think he's just pretending to be one.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/23/2009 12:01:00 PM 11 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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22 December 2009God forced the Philistines to kill each other
After helping Jonathan with his first slaughter (which wasn't really his first, but Oh well), God took over the killing himself. He didn't have much choice if he wanted to get the killing done, because there were only two swords in all Israel at the time, Jonathan's and Saul's. And it's hard to kill Philistines with only sticks and stones.
So it came to pass in the day of battle, that there was neither sword nor spear found in the hand of any of the people that were with Saul and Jonathan: but with Saul and with Jonathan his son was there found. 1 Samuel 13:22
But God had a plan. He'd force the Philistines to kill each other (and throw in an earthquake for dramatic effect).
And there was trembling ... and the earth quaked: so it was a very great trembling. ...
The multitude melted away, and they went on beating down one another... Every man's sword was against his fellow. 1 Samuel 14:15-20
After the Philistines killed each other, the Israelites must have gathered up their swords and spears, because by the end of the same chapter Saul is fighting everybody at once, "vexing" them all.
So Saul ... fought against all his enemies on every side, against Moab, and against the children of Ammon, and against Edom, and against the kings of Zobah, and against the Philistines: and whithersoever he turned himself, he vexed them. And he gathered an host, and smote the Amalekites, and delivered Israel out of the hands of them that spoiled them. 1 Samuel 14:47-48
(Since the Bible doesn't say that God was involved in these battles, I didn't include the victims in God's total.)
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How many Philistine soldiers did God kill by forcing them to kill each other? The Bible doesn't say, so I just guessed the usual 1000.
God's next killing: The Amalekite Genocide
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/22/2009 11:41:00 AM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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19 December 2009Jonathan's very first slaughter (not counting the one before)
Well, it was a bit disappointing to me, but I guess it was OK for a very first slaughter.
Here's how it happened.
One day Jonathan and his armor bearer decided to go find some uncircumcised guys to kill. Who knows? Maybe God would help them.
Jonathan said to the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over unto the garrison of these uncircumcised: it may be that the LORD will work for us. 1 Samuel 14:6
Jonathan's amorous armor bearer said to him, "Do whatever is in your heart. Whatever is in your heart is in my heart, too." (They had a very close, intimate relationship.)
And his armourbearer said unto him, Do all that is in thine heart: turn thee; behold, I am with thee according to thy heart. 1 Samuel 14:7
So Jonathan told him his plan. They will go over to the Philistines and if they say, "Wait there and we'll come over to you," then Jonathan and his armor bearer will stay put. But if the Philistines say, "Come up to us, and we will show you something," then they will attack, knowing that God will help them kill them.
Then said Jonathan, Behold, we will pass over unto these men, and we will discover ourselves unto them. If they say thus unto us, Tarry until we come to you; then we will stand still in our place, and will not go up unto them. But if they say thus, Come up unto us; then we will go up: for the LORD hath delivered them into our hand: and this shall be a sign unto us. 1 Samuel 14:8-10
So they did that. And when the Philistines saw them, they said, "Look the Hebrews have crawled out of the holes they were hiding in."
And both of them discovered themselves unto the garrison of the Philistines: and the Philistines said, Behold, the Hebrews come forth out of the holes where they had hid themselves. 1 Samuel 14:11
And then the Philistines said the magic words of doom, "Come on up and we'll show you a thing or two."
And the men of the garrison answered Jonathan and his armourbearer, and said, Come up to us, and we will shew you a thing. 1 Samuel 14:12a
When Jonathan heard that, he he told his armor bearer that God would help them kill the Philistines.
And Jonathan said unto his armourbearer, Come up after me: for the LORD hath delivered them into the hand of Israel. 1 Samuel 14:12b
So Jonathan and his armor bearer crawled out of their hole and began to kill Philistines.
And Jonathan climbed up upon his hands and upon his feet, and his armourbearer after him: and they fell before Jonathan; and his armourbearer slew after him. 1 Samuel 14:12
They killed about 20 of them, all in an area of half an acre or so. Which is not too bad for a very first slaughter.
And that first slaughter, which Jonathan and his armourbearer made, was about twenty men, within as it were an half acre of land, which a yoke of oxen might plow. 1 Samuel 14:14
I don't know about you, but the thing that bothers me about this story is the "first slaughter" part. Because if this was Jonathan's very first slaughter, then what the hell was he doing in the last chapter?
And Jonathan smote the garrison of the Philistines that was in Geba. 1 Samuel 13:3
It sounds like Jonathan's second slaughter, and I'm a bit pissed off about it!
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God's next killing: God forced the Philistines to kill each other
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/19/2009 04:05:00 PM 22 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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17 December 2009Another Ammonite Massacre (and another God-inspired body-part message)
Remember the Holy Civil War a few killings back? Well this is a lot like it.
It starts with the people from Jabeshgilead making a proposition to the Ammonites.
Then Nahash the Ammonite came up, and encamped against Jabeshgilead: and all the men of Jabesh said unto Nahash, Make a covenant with us, and we will serve thee. 1 Samuel 11.1
Does Jabeshgilead sound sound familiar to you? Well, if you read about God’s 57th killing, it should. (In that story, the Israelites killed everyone in the city of Jabeshgilead except for the virgin women, whom they gave to the surviving Benjamites for wives.)
So everyone in Jabeshgilead was killed a few years before the events in 1 Samuel 11 supposedly took place. Yet here in verse 1 they are making a treaty with the Ammonites. Do dead people make treaties? I guess they do in the Bible.
Anyway, here's the deal that Nahash offered the (dead?) people from Jabeshgilead:
Nahash the Ammonite answered them, On this condition will I make a covenant with you, that I may thrust out all your right eyes, and lay it for a reproach upon all Israel. 11.2
Now you might think that this would be a 'no brainer' to the people of Jabeshgilead. But since they were already dead, maybe they didn't have any eyes to poke out. In any case, the people of Jabshgilead asked for a week to see if they could get an army together to fight the Ammonites. If they couldn't, they'd let the Ammonites poke out one of their eyes.
The elders of Jabesh said unto him, Give us seven days' respite, that we may send messengers unto all the coasts of Israel: and then, if there be no man to save us, we will come out to thee. 11.3
The Ammonites said, "Sure, go ahead and get an army together. We'll give you a week." So the leaders of Jabeshgilead sent messengers to Saul.
When Saul heard about it, "the Spirit of the Lord came upon him," and Saul did what any spirit-filled person would do: he killed some oxen, chopped their bodies up into 12 pieces, and sent the pieces to the 12 tribes of Israel.
The Spirit of God came upon Saul ... And he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coasts of Israel by the hands of messengers. 11.6-7a
And it worked, too. Messages like that always work in the Bible.
The fear of the LORD fell on the people, and they came out with one consent. 11.7b
Within a week the ox body parts were sent around to all the tribes of Israel and all the people of Israel responded "as one," forming an army of 330,000.
When he numbered them in Bezek, the children of Israel were three hundred thousand, and the men of Judah thirty thousand. 11.8
It's amazing what a 12 rotting pieces of meat can do!
Then Saul told the people of Jabeshgilead:
To morrow, by that time the sun be hot, ye shall have help. And the messengers came and shewed it to the men of Jabesh; and they were glad. 11.9
So the messengers went back and told the good news to leaders of Jabeshgilead, and they told Nahash that tomorrow they'd let them poke out their eyes.
The men of Jabesh said, To morrow we will come out unto you, and ye shall do with us all that seemeth good unto you. 11.10
The next day Saul and his army killed Ammonites until it got a bit too hot for killing. Then they stopped and took a little break. Before they were done, though, they had killed all the Ammonites.
Saul ... slew the Ammonites until the heat of the day: and it came to pass, that they which remained were scattered, so that two of them were not left together. 11.11
After the slaughter, some of the people wanted Samuel to kill all the Israelites that didn't want Saul to be made king. But Saul said,
There shall not a man be put to death this day: for to day the LORD hath wrought salvation in Israel. 11.13
So since it was God that did all the killing, he deserves all the credit. The Bible doesn't say how many Ammonites were killed; I'll call it a standard massacre and say 1000.
God's next killing: Jonathan's very fist slaughter (not counting the one before)
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/17/2009 12:21:00 PM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 December 2009The Lord thundered great thunder upon the Philistines
After God killed more than 50,000 for looking into the ark, the ark was moved to Kirjathjearim and the people of Israel "lamented after the Lord" -- which means, I guess, that they wanted the damned thing back.
And it came to pass, while the ark abode in Kirjathjearim, that the time was long; for it was twenty years: and all the house of Israel lamented after the LORD. 1 Samuel 7.2
So Samuel told them what to do. Get rid of all their other gods and worship Yahweh alone. So the Israelites rounded up all their gods and threw them away. When the Philistines heard about all this, they prepared to attack Israel.
The Israelites asked Samuel to ask God to save them. So Samuel killed a baby lamb and burned its dead body for God. Then Samuel cried out to God and God heard him.
Samuel took a sucking lamb, and offered it for a burnt offering wholly unto the LORD: and Samuel cried unto the LORD for Israel; and the LORD heard him. 7.9
While Samuel was busy roasting the lamb for God, the Philistines attacked. And God "thundered with a great thunder" and "discomfited them." Then the Israelites chased them down and killed them.
As Samuel was offering up the burnt offering, the Philistines drew near to battle against Israel: but the LORD thundered with a great thunder on that day upon the Philistines, and discomfited them; and they were smitten before Israel. And the men of Israel went out of Mizpeh, and pursued the Philistines, and smote them. 7.10-11
After the slaughter, Samuel put up a monument that said, "So far the Lord has helped us."
Hitherto hath the LORD helped us. 7.12
Once again the Bible doesn't say how many Philistines were killed. So I'll just call it 1000.
God's next killing: Another Ammonite Massacre (and another God-inspired body-part message)
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/16/2009 10:41:00 AM 11 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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15 December 2009God kills Eli's sons
There was an old priest name Eli, who had two sons, Hophni and Phinehas. Like Eli, his sons were priests, but they were bad priests who didn't know God, stole meat from burnt offerings, and had sex with women at the door of the tabernacle.
The sons of Eli were sons of Belial; they knew not the LORD. 1 Samuel 2.12
If any man said unto him, Let them not fail to burn the fat presently, and then take as much as thy soul desireth; then he would answer him, Nay; but thou shalt give it me now: and if not, I will take it by force. 2.16
Eli … heard all that his sons did … how they lay with the women that assembled at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. 2.22
Eli talked to his sons about it and tried to get them to change their ways, but they wouldn't listen to him since God had already decided to kill them.
They hearkened not unto the voice of their father, because the LORD would slay them. 2.25
Before killing Eli's sons, though, God tormented Eli a bit. First, a "man of God" tells Eli that God will "consume his eyes" and "grieve his heart" and make sure that all of his descendants will die young.
A man of God ... said unto him, Thus saith the LORD ... I will cut off thine arm... There shall not be an old man in thine house for ever ... I shall ... consume thine eyes and ... grieve thine heart. 2.27-33
Then, just in case the first message didn't get through, God sends another one to Eli through the boy prophet, Samuel. It takes God three tries to deliver the message, but he finally does. And it's the same nasty message: God will make everyone’s ears tingle by punishing all of Eli's unborn descendants for the sins of his sons.
The LORD said to Samuel, Behold, I will do a thing in Israel, at which both the ears of every one that heareth it shall tingle. I will perform against Eli all things which I have spoken … I will judge his house for ever … because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not. 3.11-13
Samuel delivers the message to Eli and he responds the way believers always do. (God can do whatever he wants -- however absurd, cruel, or unjust -- and they will call it good.)
It is the LORD: let him do what seemeth him good. 3.18
So now God had to figure out how he was going to kill Eli's sons.
And that's where the Philistines came in. God used them to kill Eli's sons, along with a 34,000 Israelite soldiers.
In the first battle, the Israelites lost 4000 men.
The Philistines put themselves in array against Israel: and when they joined battle, Israel was smitten before the Philistines: and they slew of the army in the field about four thousand men. 4.2
Which surprised the heck out of the Israelites, since God was supposed to be on their side.
So they went to get the ark of the covenant, figuring it would protect them from the Philistines.
When the people were come into the camp, the elders of Israel said, Wherefore hath the LORD smitten us to day before the Philistines? Let us fetch the ark of the covenant of … that … it may save us out of the hand of our enemies. 4.3
Along with the ark, they also got Eli’s sons, Hophni and Phinehas.
So the people sent to Shiloh, that they might bring from thence the ark of the covenant of the LORD … and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were there with the ark of the covenant of God. 4.4
When the ark came to the Israelites’ camp, they all shouted at once, causing an earthquake.
When the ark of the covenant of the LORD came into the camp, all Israel shouted with a great shout, so that the earth rang again. 4.5
The earth shook so much that the Philistines felt it at their camp, and they knew just what it meant. God was with the Israelites and he was on their side.
The Philistines were afraid, for they said, God is come into the camp. And they said, Woe unto us! for there hath not been such a thing heretofore. 4.7
The Philistines had heard what God did to the Egyptians and they were afraid that now he’d do it to them. So they all said together: “Woe is us.”
Woe unto us! who shall deliver us out of the hand of these mighty Gods? these are the Gods that smote the Egyptians with all the plagues in the wilderness. 4.8
Then they snapped out of it and started to act like Philistines, and killed another 30,000 Israelites.
The Philistines fought, and Israel was smitten, and they fled every man into his tent: and there was a very great slaughter; for there fell of Israel thirty thousand footmen. 4.10
And, in the process, they also killed Eli’s sons.
The ark of God was taken; and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were slain. 4.11
Just as God said he would do in 1 Samuel 2.25 (I gave God credit for 34,002, 34,000 Israelite soldiers and Eli’s two sons: Hophni and Phinehas.)
God's next killing: God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/15/2009 09:27:00 AM 13 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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12 December 200950,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord
In his last killing, God was busy fashioning hemorrhoids and placing them in the Philistines' secret parts. Stuff like that gets annoying after a while.
So the Philistines asked their priests how they can get God to stop. The priests told them to make five golden hemorrhoids and five golden mice as trespass offerings, and put the ark and the offerings in a cart pulled by two cows. Then let the cows go wherever they choose. If they go toward Bethshemesh, then it was God who was striking the people with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.
The Philistines called for the priests and the diviners, saying, What shall we do to the ark of the LORD? And they said, If ye send away the ark of the God of Israel, send it not empty; but … return him a trespass offering: then ye shall be healed … What shall be the trespass offering? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice … take the ark of the LORD, and lay it upon the cart; and put the … trespass offering … and send it away … And see, if it goeth up by the way of his own coast to Bethshemesh, then he hath done us this great evil: but if not, then we shall know that it is not his hand that smote us: it was a chance that happened to us. 1 Samuel 6.2-9
Since that sounded like a reasonable plan, that's what they did. And the cows headed straight for Bethshemesh "and turned not aside to the right hand or to the left."
They laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods. And the kine took the straight way to the way of Bethshemesh. 6.11-12
So the world now knows for sure that it was God who killed the Philistine people by putting hemorrhoids in their secret parts.
That would have been a happy ending, I suppose, except some of the Bethshemeshites looked into the ark. So God had to kill 50,070 of them.
He smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the LORD, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men: and the people lamented, because the LORD had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter. 6.19
Stories like this can only be found in the Bible.
God's next killing: The Lord thundered great thunder upon the Philistines
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/12/2009 08:33:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts
You may have noticed at the end of the last killing, that the Philistines stole the ark of the covenant from the Israelites. And that’s when their troubles really began.
The Philistines brought the ark to Ashdod and set it up next to their god, Dagon.
The Philistines took the ark of God ... unto Ashdod ... into the house of Dagon, and set it by Dagon. 1 Samuel 5.1-2
The next morning Dagon had fallen on his face.
When they of Ashdod arose early on the morrow, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face. 5.3
So they put Dagon back in his place, but the next morning he had fallen down again, and this time his head and hands had fallen off, so he was no more than a stump.
When they arose early on the morrow morning, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face to the ground before the ark of the LORD; and the head of Dagon and both the palms of his hands were cut off upon the threshold; only the stump of Dagon was left to him. 5.4
Then God started to get nasty. He destroyed the people of Asdod and smote those that survived with hemorrhoids.
But the hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods (hemorrhoids). 5.6
So the people of Ashdod decided to send the ark to another Philistine city: Gath.
What shall we do with the ark of the God of Israel? And they answered, Let the ark of the God of Israel be carried about unto Gath. And they carried the ark of the God of Israel about thither. 5.8
And then God smote the people of Gath, the small and the great, with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.
The hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. 5.9
After that, what do you think the Gathites decided to do with God's ark? They sent it to Ekron.
Therefore they sent the ark of God to Ekron. 5.10
When the ark arrived at Ekron, God did the usual thing: he killed most of the people and gave the rest hemorrhoids.
There was a deadly destruction throughout all the city; the hand of God was very heavy there. And the men that died not were smitten with the emerods: and the cry of the city went up to heaven. 5.11-12
The Bible doesn't say how many people God killed in Ashdod, Gath, and Ekron. So I'll just call it 3000, 1000 from each city.
God's next killing: 50,070 for looking into the ark of the Lord
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/12/2009 05:55:00 PM 58 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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11 December 2009God's Killings in Judges
Here's a summary of God's killings in Judges. Killing Event Verse Estimated number killed Cumulative total
1 God delivers the Canaanites and Perizzites Judges 1:4 10,000 10,000
2 The Jerusalem Massacre Judges 1:8 1000 11,000
3 Ten Massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots Judges 1:9-25 10,000 21,000
4 The LORD delivered Chushanrishathaim Judges 3:7-10 1000 22,000
5 Ehud delivers a message from God: a knife in the belly Judges 3:15-22 1 22,001
6 God delivers 10,000 lusty Moabites Judges 3:28-29 10,000 32,001
7 Barak and God Massacre the Canaanites Judges 4:14 1000 33,001
8 Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man's head Judges 4:18-25 1 33,002
9 God forces Midianite soldiers to kill each other Judges 7:22, Judges 8:10 120,000 153,002
10 A city is massacred and 1000 burn to death because of God's evil spirit Judges 9:23-33 2001 155,003
11 The Ammonite massacre Judges 11:32-33 20,000 175,003
12 Jephthah's daughter Judges 11:32-33 1 175,004
13 The spirit of the Lord comes on Samson and he murders 30 men for their clothes Judges 14:19 30 175,034
14 The Spirit of the Lord comes upon Samson and he kills 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass Judges 15:14-15 1000 176,034
15 Samson's God-assisted act of terrorism Judges 16:27-30 3,000 179,034
16 A Holy Civil War Judges 20:35-37 65,100 244,134
There are other notable killings in Judges that involve God in one way or another. I didn't include them in God's killings since it wasn't entirely clear (to me at least) that God was directly involved. Here are a few posts about these killings.
Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad
The Massacre of the Peaceful, Unsuspecting People
Judges 19: Gang rape, dismemberment, and body part messages
The End of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins
Let me know if I missed any or if I got some of the numbers wrong.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/11/2009 09:05:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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10 December 2009The End of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins
My last post was about the God-inspired civil war between the tribe of Benjamin and the other Israelites, which was God's way of dealing with that messy affair involving the Levite and his concubine.
Now it's time for the rest of the story.
As you'll recall, God told the Israelites to fight the Benjamites three times. In the first two battles, the Israelites were defeated and 40,000 of their soldiers were killed. But the third time "God smote Benjamin," killing 25,100 of them. But 600 Benjamites survived.
But six hundred [Benjamite] men turned and fled to the wilderness unto the rock Rimmon, and abode in the rock Rimmon four months. Judges 20:48
After the battle, the Israelites killed everything (human and animal) in every Benjamite village, town, and city and then burned everything to the ground.
And the men of Israel turned again upon the children of Benjamin, and smote them with the edge of the sword, as well the men of every city, as the beast, and all that came to hand: also they set on fire all the cities that they came to. Judges 20:48
But then they remembered the 600 surviving Benjamite soldiers.
Where the heck were these guys going to find wives, since the Israelites had killed all the other Benjamites and they all swore to God at the Mizpeh concubine body part meeting that none of them would "give" their daughters to any Benjamite?
Now the men of Israel had sworn in Mizpeh, saying, There shall not any of us give his daughter unto Benjamin to wife. Judges 21:1
Then they thought of a great solution. They'd check the records of the Mizpeh meeting and see who didn't show up when they got a body part in the mail.
And they said, What one is there of the tribes of Israel that came not up to Mizpeh to the LORD? And, behold, there came none to the camp from Jabeshgilead to the assembly. Judges 21:8
It turned out that Jabeshgilead was absent. So they sent 12,000 soldiers to Jabeshgilead to kill everyone in town except for the virgin women. That produced 400 virgins, which they delivered to the Benjamite survivors at the rock Rimmon.
And the congregation sent thither twelve thousand men of the valiantest, and commanded them, saying, Go and smite the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead with the edge of the sword, with the women and the children. And they found among the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead four hundred young virgins, that had known no man by lying with any male ... and they gave them wives which they had saved alive of the women of Jabeshgilead: .Judges 21:10-14
But shit! There were 600 Benjamites, so they were still 200 virgins short. Where the fuck were they going to find 200 more virgins?
Well, someone heard about this dancing festival that they had at Shiloh. So they had the remaining 200 Benjamite men hide in the bushes and catch the Shiloh virgins when they came out to dance.
Therefore they commanded the children of Benjamin, saying, Go and lie in wait in the vineyards ... And see, and, behold, if the daughters of Shiloh come out to dance in dances, then come ye out of the vineyards, and catch you every man his wife of the daughters of Shiloh ... And the children of Benjamin did so, and took them wives, according to their number, of them that danced, whom they caught. Judges 21:20-23
So each of the 600 surviving Benjamite soldiers got a virgin and everything worked out according to God's plan.
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In the comments, busterggi asks, "So what was Yahweh's plan?"
It's a fair question. Let's see if we can figure it out from the text of Judges 19-21.
There are some things that are clear enough. God approved of the Israelite civil war between the Benjamite tribe and the rest of the Israelites. We know this since God was directly asked three times (Judges 20:18, 23, 28) by the non-Benjamites whether they should attack the Benjamites. In each case, God said yes.
Which side he was on is less clear, however. The first two times that he told the non-Benjamites to attack, they were routed by the Benjamites and lost a total of 40,000 men. But the third time, "the LORD smote Benjamin" and 25,100 Benjamites died (which was nearly all of them). What God had in mind in the first two battles is anyone's guess, but he seems to have favored the non-Benjamites in the overall war.
Which makes you wonder, why did God want the Israelites to fight against each other, and why did he want the non-Benjamites to win?
To answer that we have to go back to the Levite and his concubine. That was, after all, the only justification for the war. The men of Gibeah were Benjamites, the Benjamites refused to hand over the men of Gibeah (all of them, I guess) to the non-Benjamites to be killed, so the non-Benjamites had to go to war with the Benjamites. God must have accepted this justification for war, since no other is even hinted at in the story.
So God approved of the war, but did he approve of the way the Israelites were called to war? That is, did he approve of chopping up the concubine's body into 12 pieces and sending the pieces to the 12 tribes of Israel? (I guess even the Benjamites got a piece.) Well, he certainly never voiced any disapproval. And there is another similar message that he definitely approved. Shortly after Saul became king, "the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel." (1 Samuel 11:6-7). This was a call to war -- and Saul did it under the influence of God's spirit. So chopping up dead bodies and sending them as messages is something that God inspires people to do. So we can be pretty sure that God approved of the rotting concubine body part messages.
OK. So God approved of the war, was rooting for the non-Benjamites, and most likely approved of the call to war message. But how about the genocide after the war?
That is a harder question. But God had plenty of chances to object if he disapproved. And (as readers of this blog well know) he often performed genocide himself and commanded the Israelites to do likewise. So I think he was OK with the genocide of the Benjamites.
But what about after the genocide. Did he think the 600 surviving Benjamites needed wives? Did he approve of the vow (to him) that the non-Benjamites made to not "give" their daughters to Benjamites? Did he think it was OK to kill everyone in Jabeshgilead except the virgin women in order to get 400 wives for the Benjamites? And did he approve of the abduction of the Shiloh girls for the remaining 200 Benjamites?
I would say that the answer to each of these questions is yes. God approved of it all. It was all a part of his plan and everything worked out just the way he wanted it to.
What do you think?
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God's next killing: Eli's sons and 34,000 soldiers
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/10/2009 03:49:00 PM 11 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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09 December 2009A Holy Civil War (It had something to do with rotting, concubine body-part messages)
Remember the story about the Levite and his concubine? You know the one where the Levite and his concubine are staying at a guy's house when a mob comes and asks to have sex with the Levite, and the host says no you can't have sex with him but I'll give you my virgin daughter and his concubine instead, so the Levite gives them his concubine and they rape her all night and she crawls back to the house and dies the next morning, and then the Levite puts her body on his donkey and goes home and chops her body into 12 pieces and sends a piece to each tribe of Israel? Yeah that one.
Well, it's not over yet.
You see, when the 12 tribes got the pieces of decaying body parts, they immediately assembled before the Lord in Mizpeh, along with the entire population of Israel and 400,000 soldiers. (What else would you do if you got a hunk of rotting flesh in the mail?)
Then all the children of Israel went out, and the congregation was gathered together as one man ... unto the LORD in Mizpeh. And ... four hundred thousand footmen that drew sword. Judges 20:1-2
When they arrived at Mizpeh, the Israelites asked the meaning of the rotting flesh messages. So the Levite told them the nasty story that is found in Judges 19, except that he left out the part about how he gave his concubine to the mob to do with as they pleased.
When the Israelites heard this, they all said together in complete unison:
This shall be the thing which we will do to Gibeah; we will go up by lot against it. Judges 20:9
(God's just war theory: Since the town of Gibeah was where the incident with the concubine occurred, and the inhabitants of Gibeah were from the tribe of Benjamin, the other Israelite tribes must go to war with the Benjamites. This may not make much sense to you, but it does to God.)
But first the Israelites ask God what they should do. He tells them to go to war with the Benjamites, saying that the tribe of Judah should go first. (I'm skipping a bit here. See the Brick Testament for the details.) So they did that, but it didn't work out too well, and 22,000 Israelites died.
After their first defeat, the Israelites wept before God and asked him what they should do next. God said to go fight the Benjamites (again). So the next day they tried that, but it didn't turn out so well this time either. Another 18,000 Israelites were killed.
Once again all of the Israelites sit and weep before God, and ask him (for the third time) if they should attack the Benjamites. God give them his usual answer: Attack. This time he promised that he would deliver them into their hands.
And he did. It's not entirely clear, though, how many Benjamites were killed, 25,100, 25,000, or maybe both in two separate battles. But since there were only a total of 26,000 Benjamites soldiers, I'll just give God credit for killing another 25,100.
And the LORD smote Benjamin before Israel: and the children of Israel destroyed of the Benjamites that day twenty and five thousand and an hundred men: all these drew the sword. Judges 20:35
Still, it seems to me that God was also at least partly responsible for the 40,000 Israelites that were killed in the first two unsuccessful battles that he told the Israelites to fight. What do you think, should these be included in God's killings?
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10 Dec 09: I've decided to add the 40,000 Israelite deaths to God's total. If you think I'm wrong about that, let me know in the comments.
God's next killing: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/09/2009 09:26:00 PM 13 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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31 January 2010David kills the messenger
The first verse of Second Samuel is this:
Now it came to pass after the death of Saul, when David was returned from the slaughter of the Amalekites, and David had abode two days in Ziklag. 2 Samuel 1.1
That's right. Second Samuel begins with David returning "from the slaughter of the Amalekites." It's hard to see how David could have found any Amalekites to slaughter since Saul killed them all just a little while before (65), but maybe God created some more Amalekites just so David could slaughter them again. He might have. He's the type.
In any case, when David came back from slaughtering Amalekites, a messenger was waiting for him. And who do you think the messenger was? That's right, an Amalekite!
I am an Amalekite. 1.8
The Amalekite told David that when Saul was mortally wounded, he asked him to put him out of his misery. So he did. Then he removed Saul's bracelet and crown and brought them to David.
So I stood upon him, and slew him, because I was sure that he could not live after that he was fallen: and I took the crown that was upon his head, and the bracelet that was on his arm, and have brought them hither unto my lord. 1.10
When David heard this, he and all of his men "rent their clothes" (Bible folks are always doing that).
Then David took hold on his clothes, and rent them; and likewise all the men that were with him. 1.11
David then thanked the Amalekite for his kindness by having one of his "young men fall upon him."
David called one of the young men, and said, Go near, and fall upon him. And he smote him that he died. 1.15 (We know that God approved of this killing because God approved of all of David’s killings, with the single exception of the matter of Uriah. See 1 Kings 15.5.)
God's next killing: David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their bodies over the pool
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/31/2010 03:55:00 PM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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29 January 2010God's Killings in 1 Samuel
Here's a summary of God's killings in 1 Samuel. Killing Event Verse Estimated number killed Cumulative total
1 God killed Eli's sons 4:11 2 2
2 God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts 5:6 3000 3002
3 50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord 6:19 50,070 53,072
4 The Lord thundered with great thunder upon the Philistines 7:10-11 1000 54,072
5 The Ammonite Massacre 11:11 1000 55,072
6 Jonathan's very first slaughter 14:14 20 55,092
7 God forces the Philistines to kill each other 14:20 1000 56,092
8 The Amalekite massacre 15:2-3 10,000 66,092
9 Samuel hacks Agag to pieces before the Lord 15:32-33 1 66,093
10 The Lord said unto David, go and smite the Philistines 23:2-5 1000 67,093
11 The Lord smote Nabal 25:38 1 67,094
12 David spends the day killing Amalekites 30:17 1000 68,094
13 Israelite soldiers killed (to punish Saul for not killing all the Amalekites -- or for not inquiring of the Lord) 31:1 100 68,194
14 Saul and his sons 31:2-4 4 68,198
There are other notable killings in 1 Samuel that involve God in one way or another. I didn't include them in God's killings since it wasn't entirely clear (to me at least) that God was directly involved. Here are a few posts about these killings.
Did God help David kill Goliath?
David bought his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins
David joined the Philistines and committed random acts of genocide for them
Let me know if I missed any or if I got some of the numbers wrong.
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/29/2010 06:53:00 PM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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God kills Saul, his sons, and his men for not killing all the Amalekites (or was it for not inquiring of the Lord?)
Previously, Saul killed every Amalekite man, woman, child, infant, and baby – just like God told him to. Well, almost anyway. He kept one guy alive: King Agag. And God never forgave him for it.
Because Saul didn’t completely perform God’s commandment (to commit complete genocide on the Amalekites), God repented of making Saul king and gave his kingdom to David.
But that wasn’t the only punishment God had in mind. Now God just needed to find a way to tell Saul about it.
He did it through a dead man (Samuel) who was brought back to life by a witch.
Samuel’s ghost told Saul that tomorrow God would kill Saul and his sons by delivering the Israelite army into the hands of the Philistines.
Because thou obeyedst not the voice of the LORD, nor executedst his fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore … the LORD will also deliver Israel with thee into the hand of the Philistines: and to morrow shalt thou and thy sons be with me [i.e., you and your sons will be dead]: the LORD also shall deliver the host of Israel into the hand of the Philistines. 1 Samuel 28.18-19
Well, I don't know if it was the next day or not but the Philistines attacked and the Israelites "fell down slain in mount Gilboa."
Now the Philistines fought against Israel: and the men of Israel fled from before the Philistines, and fell down slain in mount Gilboa. 1 Samuel 31.1
So that left Saul and his sons. God took care of Saul's sons by having the Philistines kill them. (I know it sounds cruel, but they deserved it since their father saved one Amalekite alive and God told him to kill them all.)
The Philistines followed hard upon Saul and upon his sons; and the Philistines slew Jonathan, and Abinadab, and Melchishua, Saul's sons. 1 Samuel 31.2
Saul must have been especially hard for God to kill, though, because he had to do it four different ways.
Saul committed suicide.
Therefore Saul took a sword, and fell upon it. So Saul died. 1 Samuel 31.4
Then said Saul to his armourbearer, Draw thy sword, and thrust me through therewith; lest these uncircumcised come and abuse me. But his armourbearer would not; for he was sore afraid. So Saul took a sword, and fell upon it. 1 Chronicles 10.4
An Amalekite killed him.
And he [Saul] said unto me, Who art thou? And I answered him, I am an Amalekite. He said unto me again, Stand, I pray thee, upon me, and slay me. So I stood upon him, and slew him. 2 Samuel 1.8-10
The Philistines killed him.
The Philistines had slain Saul. 2 Samuel 21.12
God killed him.
So Saul died for his transgression which he committed against the LORD, even against the word of the LORD, which he kept not, and also for asking counsel of one that had a familiar spirit, to enquire of it; And enquired not of the LORD: therefore he slew him, and turned the kingdom unto David the son of Jesse. 1 Chronicles 10.13-14
But one way or another, God got the job done, and Saul, his three sons, and who knows how many Israelite soldiers all died -- because God was pissed off at Saul for the incomplete genocide of the Amalekites. Or was it for not inquiring of the Lord? I guess it really doesn't matter, does it? God can kill anyone for any reason, or for no reason at all, and every believer will be OK with it.
(Saul and his three sons were killed along with the Israelite soldiers. Since the Bible doesn’t say anything about how many soldiers were killed, I guessed 100.)
God's next killing: David kills the messenger
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/29/2010 01:52:00 PM 18 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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27 January 2010David spends the day killing Amalekites
While David was hanging out with the Philistines performing daily acts of genocide for them, disaster struck. The Philistines were attacked by the Amalekites.
That's right, the Amalekites. You know, the ones that God hates more than any other people, and that's saying something since God hates everyone except for the Israelites (and he hates them sometimes, too).
How much does God hate the Amalekites? Well, just listen to him.
The LORD hath sworn that the LORD will have war with Amalek from generation to generation. Exodus 17.16
Thou shalt blot out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven; thou shalt not forget it. Deuteronomy 25.19
Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15.2-3
So we know for sure that God hates Amalekites. That's why he ordered the Israelites to kill them all. And the Israelites (with God's help, of course) did just that. Twice.
Yet here, just a few years after they were completely killed in two separate God-ordered genocides, they attack the Philistines. I guess sometimes you have to kill people several times to make sure they're not merely dead, but positively, absolutely, undeniably, reliably, and sincerely dead.
What I find especially interesting in this story, though, is that the Amalekites show some mercy to the Philistines. Rather than utterly destroying them, slaying "both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass" as God told the Israelites to do to them, they "slew not any, either great or small, but carried them away, and went on their way."
The Amalekites … slew not any, either great or small, but carried them away, and went on their way. 1 Samuel 30.1-2
Yet the most common excuse that believers give for God's genocidal commands on the Amalekites is that the Amalekites were so evil that they all had to be killed -- even their woman, children, infants, and babies.
When David and his merry men return to Ziklag (the Philistine city that the Amalekites destroyed), they wept until they couldn't weep any longer.
So David and his men came to the city, and, behold, it was burned with fire; and their wives, and their sons, and their daughters, were taken captives. Then David and the people that were with him lifted up their voice and wept, until they had no more power to weep. 1 Samuel 30.3-4
Then they got up and talked about stoning David to death.
David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him. 1 Samuel 30.6
Meanwhile, David asked a priest to use his ephod to ask God what he should do. (An ephod is sort of a biblical version of a magic eight ball or a coin toss. It only works on yes or no questions.)
David said to Abiathar the priest, Ahimelech's son, I pray thee, bring me hither the ephod. And Abiathar brought thither the ephod to David. And David enquired at the LORD, saying, Shall I pursue after this troop? shall I overtake them? 1 Samuel 30.7-8a
So God said "Heck Yeah. Go kill the Amalekites (one more time) and get back all your stuff."
He answered him, Pursue: for thou shalt surely overtake them, and without fail recover all. 1 Samuel 30.8b
So that's what they did. David and 400 of his men (he left 200 behind because they were just too tired to kill people) spent the day killing Amalekites. They killed them all, except for 400 guys who escaped on camels.
David smote them from the twilight even unto the evening of the next day: and there escaped not a man of them, save four hundred young men, which rode upon camels, and fled. 30.17
So David got back all of his stuff, including his two wives.
David recovered all that the Amalekites had carried away: and David rescued his two wives. 1 Samuel 30.18
And he shared the plunder will his men, even those that were too tired to kill.
David was such a nice guy. I think you can see why God liked him so much.
(The text doesn't say how many Amalekites were killed. I'll just say 1000.)
God's next killing: God kills Saul, his sons, and his men for not killing all the Amalekites
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/27/2010 11:15:00 AM 11 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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26 January 2010God spoke to Saul through a dead man brought back to life by a witch
After David won the trust of the Philistine king, Achish, by happily performing random acts of genocide on the surrounding people, Achish said it was time for him to start killing Israelites. David could hardly wait.
The Philistines gathered their armies together for warfare, to fight with Israel. And Achish said unto David, Know thou assuredly, that thou shalt go out with me to battle, thou and thy men. And David said to Achish, Surely thou shalt know what thy servant can do. 1 Samuel 28:1-2
When Saul saw that the Philistines (along with David) were preparing to attack, he was afraid. He asked God what to do, but God ignored him.
And when Saul enquired of the LORD, the LORD answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets. 1 Samuel 28:6
Since God wouldn't talk to him and Samuel was dead, Saul asked a witch to bring Samuel back from the dead to deliver a message from God.
And God went along with the whole witch-seance-necromancy thing. He repeated the same old stuff about how he took away Saul's kingdom and gave it to David because Saul didn't kill all the Amalekites like he told him to.
The LORD hath rent the kingdom out of thine hand, and given it to thy neighbour, even to David: Because thou obeyedst not the voice of the LORD, nor executedst his fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore hath the LORD done this thing unto thee this day. 1 Samuel 28:17-18
God also said that he had other punishments planned for Saul. Tomorrow he was going to have the Philistines defeat the Israelites and kill him and his sons.
Moreover the LORD will also deliver Israel with thee into the hand of the Philistines: and to morrow shalt thou and thy sons be with me: the LORD also shall deliver the host of Israel into the hand of the Philistines. 1 Samuel 28:19
So God spoke to Saul through a dead man brought back to life by a witch. And the message was this: I'll have the Philistines kill you and your sons tomorrow because you left one Amalekite alive when I told you to kill them all.
Kind of makes you feel warm all over, doesn't it?
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/26/2010 05:26:00 PM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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25 January 2010Mr. Deity and the Promised Land (The Annotated Version)
A new episode of Mr. Deity is out. I don't want to spoil it for you, so watch it first before reading the rest of this post.
Did you notice all the biblical references? Me too. Here's just a few of the verses that Mr. Deity referred to in this episode.
Utterly destroy
And when the LORD thy God shall deliver them before thee; thou shalt smite them, and utterly destroy them; thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor shew mercy unto them. Deuteronomy 7:2
But of the cities of these people, which the LORD thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth: But thou shalt utterly destroy them ... as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee. Deuteronomy 20:16-17
Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.1 Samuel 15:3
Hailstorms and Sun
And the LORD discomfited them before Israel, and slew them with a great slaughter at Gibeon, and chased them along the way.... And it came to pass, as they fled from before Israel ... the LORD cast down great stones from heaven upon them ...and they died: they were more which died with hailstones than they whom the children of Israel slew with the sword. Then spake Joshua to the LORD in the day when the LORD delivered up the Amorites before the children of Israel, and he said in the sight of Israel, Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon; and thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon. And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies. Joshua 10:10-13
War Rape
When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the LORD thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive, And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife; Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails; And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife. And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her. Deuteronomy 21:10-14
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/25/2010 01:35:00 PM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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20 January 2010David commits random acts of genocide for the Philistines
In 1 Samuel 24, David snuck in and cut off Saul's skirt while he (Saul, that is) was defecating. And Saul didn't even notice.
Yeah, well, that worked out so well for David that he decided to try something like it again. This time, though, he snuck into Saul's camp and stole his sword and water jug while Saul was sleeping.
So David and Abishai came to the people by night: and, behold, Saul lay sleeping within the trench, and his spear stuck in the ground at his bolster: but Abner and the people lay round about him … So David took the spear and the cruse of water from Saul's bolster; and they gat them away, and no man saw it, nor knew it, neither awaked: for they were all asleep; because a deep sleep from the LORD was fallen upon them. 1 Samuel 26.7-12
Not nearly as impressive, I'd say. Especially when you consider that "a deep sleep from the LORD was fallen upon them." That sounds like cheating to me.
But Saul went gaga over it, just like he did for David's last trick. Here's what he said when David waved Saul's sword and water jug in front of him.
I have sinned: return, my son David: for I will no more do thee harm, because my soul was precious in thine eyes this day: behold, I have played the fool, and have erred exceedingly. ... Blessed be thou, my son David: thou shalt both do great things, and also shalt still prevail. 26.21- 25
But David still didn't trust Saul, so he decided to join up with the Philistines. And every day he and his men would go out and slaughter people. The Philistine king would ask him, "Hey David, who'd you slaughter today" and he'd say, "Oh the south of Judah, or the Jerahmeelites, or the Kenites, or the Geshurites, or the Gezrites, or the Amalekites, or the Egyptians."
And David and his men went up, and invaded the Geshurites, and the Gezrites, and the Amalekites ... even unto the land of Egypt. ... And Achish said, Whither have ye made a road to day? And David said, Against the south of Judah, and against the south of the Jerahmeelites, and against the south of the Kenites. 27.8-10
He was a killing machine. Every day he slaughtered thousands of people for the Philistines. And he killed everyone: women, children, babies, the aged, the sick, the poor. Everyone.
And David saved neither man nor woman alive. 27.11
So the Philistine king, Achish, loved David because David killed Israelites along with everybody else.
And Achish believed David, saying, He hath made his people Israel utterly to abhor him; therefore he shall be my servant for ever. 27.12
(David brags about at least six genocides in 1 Samuel 27.8-10. So I’ll add another 60,000 to the total, 10,000 for each genocide.)
God's next killing: David spends the day killing Amalekites
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/20/2010 09:33:00 AM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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19 January 2010Some suggested verses for the U.S. Military's Jesus Guns
If you haven't already seen this ABC report on the Bible verses inscribed on U.S. Military rifle scopes, then be sure to take a look. (I'd embed the video here, if I could figure out how to do it.)
Here's what Rachel Maddow had to say about it.
Anyway, it turns out that a major military supplier, Trijicon, has been putting secret bible codes on their scopes for years, and no one (except all the soldiers who call them "Jesus guns" and batshit crazy gun nuts) ever seemed to notice.
I'm trying to find out all the verses that are put on the Trijicon sights, but so far I've only found two: 2 Corinthians 4:6 and John 8:12.
For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. 2 Corinthians 4:6
Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. John 8:12
But the ABC report says there are other verses on the sights from Matthew and Revelation. If you find out what they are, let me know and I'll add them here and at the SAB.
In the meantime I'd like to suggest a few verses to inscribe on the scopes. They seem more fitting than the wussy quotes from 2 Corinthians and John.
For the indignation of the LORD is upon all nations, and his fury upon all their armies ... he hath delivered them to the slaughter. Their slain also shall be cast out, and their stink shall come up out of their carcases, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood. Isaiah 34:2-3
And I will bring distress upon men, that they shall walk like blind men, because they have sinned against the LORD: and their blood shall be poured out as dust, and their flesh as the dung. Zephaniah 1:17
Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth. Ezekiel 39:18
The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked. Psalm 58:10
That thy foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Psalm 68:23
And I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49:26
Cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood. Jeremiah 48:12
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. Ezekiel 25:17, Pulp Fiction version (Thanks Benita)
I bet sootch00 would just love to own a gun with Is49:26 on it. And all the non-Christians could well, you know, get over it..
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/19/2010 10:42:00 AM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)
After God's last killing, David tracked down Saul and snuck in while Saul was "covering his feet" (the biblical equivalent of "going to the bathroom") and cut off end of Saul's skirt.
This feat impressed Saul so much that he said:
Thou art more righteous than I ... And now, behold, I know well that thou shalt surely be king. 1 Samuel 24:17-20
And I suppose that I'd be pretty impressed too, if someone cut off my shirttail or something with a sword while I was doing my business without me even noticing.
After David's amazing bathroom caper, he hung out "in the wilderness" with a gang of outlaws. While there, he heard about a rich man named Nabal and decided to send ten of his "young men" to pay him a visit. So they went and introduced themselves to Nabal and told him to give them whatever he owned.
Give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David.1 Samuel 25:8
But Nabal was on to their protection racket. He refused to give his belongs to people he didn't even know just to get them to go away and leave him alone.
And Nabal answered David's servants, and said, Who is David? and who is the son of Jesse? there be many servants now a days that break away every man from his master. Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be? 1 Samuel 25:10-11
When David heard about it, he swore he'd kill Nabal and all of his men (everyone that pisses against a wall).
So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 1 Samuel 25:22
Meanwhile, Nabal's wife, Abigail, decided to go visit David and try to smooth things over a bit. She brought lots of food and wine.
Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses. 1 Samuel 25:18
And the bribe worked. David said that he no longer planned to kill every last swinging dick (those that piss against the wall).
For in very deed, as the LORD God of Israel liveth, which hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 1 Samuel 25:34
Abigail returned home and found that Nabal was partying with his friends, celebrating his freedom from David's extortion. She waited until he woke up the next morning (since he was too drunk the night before) to tell him what had happened. (That she gave David a huge bribe to keep him from killing Nabal and his men.) Then Nabal had a stroke or heart attack and was paralyzed. About ten days later, God killed him.
And it came to pass about ten days after, that the LORD smote Nabal, that he died. 1 Samuel 25:38
When David heard that Nabal was dead,
He said, Blessed be the LORD ... And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife. 1 Samuel 25:39
So God killed Nabal and David got his wife along with all his other stuff.
(Actually he got two new wives, Abigail and Ahinoam, along with five other "damsels". But Saul gave away his first wife to some other guy. So, for those keeping score, I guess he gained seven wives and lost one. I don't know what happened to all the wall pissers.)
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God's next killing: David commits random acts of genocide
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/19/2010 09:32:00 AM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 January 2010Jon Stewart finds a few good Bible verses
I'm sure you've heard the latest crazy thing that Pat Robertson has said: that the earthquake in Haiti was a punishment from God for the slave revolt of 1791 in which the Haitian slaves made a pact with the devil.
You've probably also seen Jon Stewart's reaction.
After showing the Robertson video clip, Stewart got out a jumbo edition of the Bible and said:
Look how big your book is!
As if the Bible were filled with good, comforting verses for the devastated people of Haiti. He even found and quoted four verses from four different translations of the Bible.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
Fear thou not; for I [am] with thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10
Thou who hast made me see many sore troubles wilt revive me again; from the depths of the earth thou wilt bring me up again. Psalm 71:20
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:10
And in a way, Jon Stewart and his staff should be commended for this. Because although the Bible is indeed a very big book, it is not a very good one. So it's not easy to find good stuff in the Bible, no matter what translation you use.
It's much easier to find verses that support Pat Robertson's position. God killed millions of people in the Bible for all kinds of stupid reasons or for no reason at all. And he enjoyed every minute of it.
God sent a flood to drown people, smashed them with burning stones, burned them to death for complaining, sent fiery serpents to bite them, bears to rip up their children, forced family and friends to kill each other, and gave people hemorrhoids in their secret parts. And that's just a small sample of God's killings. He is proud of each and every one of them.
Here's what he has to say about them:
I kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32:39-42
If God exists, he sent the earthquake on the people of Haiti. And he did it for a reason that is every bit as stupid as the one that Pat Robertson came up with. (Someone spilled his seed on the ground, had inter-racial sex, danced naked around a golden calf, picked up some sticks on the sabbath, complained about the lack of food and water, made fun of a bald-headed preacher, had a census of some kind, burned the wrong kind of incense, believed in the wrong god, had the wrong parents, was born in the wrong country, or made a pact with the devil.)
It's true, of course, that Pat Robertson is full of shit. But the shit that he's full of is the Bible, the whole Bible, and nothing but the Bible. It should be exposed for what it is instead of trying to cover it up with a few good verses and a swipe at Rachel Maddow.
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/18/2010 05:50:00 PM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 January 2010The LORD said unto David, Go, and smite the Philistines
After David bought Saul's daughter (Michal) with 200 Philistine foreskins, Saul told his son Jonathan and all his servants to kill his new son-in-law.
Saul spake to Jonathan his son, and to all his servants, that they should kill David. 1 Samuel 19:1
But Jonathan "delighted much in David" and talked his dad out of it.
But Jonathan Saul's son delighted much in David … And Jonathan spake good of David unto Saul his father, and said unto him, Let not the king sin against his servant, against David. 19.2-4
So Saul swears he won't kill David.
Saul hearkened unto the voice of Jonathan: and Saul sware, As the LORD liveth, he shall not be slain. 19.6
Then David went out and slaughters some more Philistines.
David went out, and fought with the Philistines, and slew them with a great slaughter. 19:8
After David returned from the “great slaughter,” the evil spirit from the Lord came upon Saul again, while he sat in his house with his javelin and David played with his hand.
And the evil spirit from the LORD was upon Saul, as he sat in his house with his javelin in his hand: and David played with his hand. 19.9
Saul threw his javelin at David again, but shucks, he missed again!
Saul sought to smite David even to the wall with the javelin: but he slipped away out of Saul's presence, and he smote the javelin into the wall: and David fled, and escaped that night. 19.10
(I guessed that 10,000 Philistines died in this “great slaughter.”)
God's next killing: Nabal
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/16/2010 07:40:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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15 January 2010Is Saul among the prophets?
I know, I'm getting bogged down in 1 Samuel, completely distracted from God's killings. But there's so much crazy shit in this book that I just can't pass it up. Sorry about that.
So back to the story.
After David bought Saul's daughter (Michal) with 200 Philistine foreskins, Saul told his son Jonathan and all his servants to kill David. But Jonathan "delighted much in David" and talked his dad out of it. So Saul swears he won't kill David.
Then David went out and slaughters some more Philistines.
David went out, and fought with the Philistines, and slew them with a great slaughter. 1 Samuel 19:8
Meanwhile, God sent another evil spirit to torment Saul as he sat in his house with his spear, while David played with his hand.
And the evil spirit from the LORD was upon Saul, as he sat in his house with his javelin in his hand: and David played with his hand. 1 Samuel 19:9
You can probably guess what happened next. Saul threw his spear at David, trying to pin him to the wall. (When God's evil spirit comes upon Saul he either throws a spear at David or prophesies.)
And Saul sought to smite David even to the wall with the javelin: but he slipped away out of Saul's presence, and he smote the javelin into the wall. 1 Samuel 19:10
But Saul missed again and David fled to his house. Saul told his servants to go to David's house and kill him, but Michal lowered him out the window in a basket, while putting an idol with a goat skin pillow in bed to fool Saul's servants.
After his escape, David went to Ramah to hang out with Samuel. But Saul found out where he went so he sent messengers to capture him.
When the messengers arrived, they found David, Samuel, and everyone else prophesying. Then the Spirit of God came upon the messengers, too, and they began to prophesy.
And Saul sent messengers to take David: and when they saw the company of the prophets prophesying, and Samuel standing as appointed over them, the Spirit of God was upon the messengers of Saul, and they also prophesied. 1 Samuel 19:20
When Saul heard about this, he sent more messengers, and when they arrived, they all began prophesying, too!
And when it was told Saul, he sent other messengers, and they prophesied likewise. 1 Samuel 19:21a
So Saul sent more messengers. Guess what happened to them.
And Saul sent messengers again the third time, and they prophesied also. 1 Samuel 19:21b
Finally Saul gets tired of this shit and goes himself. Here's how that turned out.
And he went thither to Naioth in Ramah: and the Spirit of God was upon him also, and he went on, and prophesied. 1 Samuel 19:23
Yeah, that's right. The Spirit of God came upon Saul and he prophesied too.
In fact, he not only prophesied, but he took off his clothes and laid around naked all night long in front of God and everybody.
And he stripped off his clothes also, and prophesied before Samuel in like manner, and lay down naked all that day and all that night. 1 Samuel 19:24a
And that is why you often hear people say, "Is Saul among the prophets?"
Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets? 1 Samuel 19:24b
So I just had to tell you this story. God wanted you to know. That's why he put it in the Bible.
But I still can't figure it out. Is Saul among the prophets?
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/15/2010 11:29:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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13 January 2010David buys a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins
After David killed Goliath, Saul's son, Jonathan, fell in love with him.
The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. 1 Samuel 18.1
He loved him so much, in fact, that he stripped off all his clothes and gave them, along with his bow and sword, to David.
Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle. 18.4
Of course, Jonathan wasn't alone in this. Everyone loved David because he behaved so wisely.
David ... behaved himself wisely: and Saul set him over the men of war, and he was accepted in the sight of all the people, and also in the sight of Saul's servants. 18.5
One day when David was returning from slaughtering Philistines, the young women from all the cities of Israel came to greet him. They danced and sang a song that went like this:
Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands. 18.7
Saul didn't like the song, though, because he, like God, was proud of his killings. So it pissed him off when the dancing girls praised David for killing ten times more than him.
Saul was very wroth, and the saying displeased him; and he said, They have ascribed unto David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed but thousand. 18.8
So Saul was after David from that day forward.
Saul eyed David from that day and forward. 18.9
Anyway, the next thing you know God's evil spirit is back and is all over Saul again. And guess what he did this time: he prophesied. (That's what happens when an evil spirit from God comes upon you.)
And it came to pass on the morrow, that the evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied ... and David played with his hand. 18.10
While Saul prophesied under the influence of God's evil spirit, "David played with his hand" and Saul tried to kill him by throwing a spear at him. Twice. But he got away.
Saul cast the javelin; for he said, I will smite David even to the wall with it. And David avoided out of his presence twice. 18.11
Since Saul couldn't kill David with his spear, he figured the next best thing would be to give David his oldest daughter as a wife.
Saul said to David, Behold my elder daughter Merab, her will I give thee to wife. 18.17
But David refused to take her.
David said unto Saul, Who am I … that I should be son in law to the king? 18.18
So he tried another daughter, Michal, who like everyone else "loved David." But David refused her, too.
Michal Saul's daughter loved David: and they told Saul, and the thing pleased him. And Saul said, I will give him her … And Saul commanded his servants, saying, Commune with David secretly, and say … be the king's son in law … And David said, Seemeth it to you a light thing to be a king's son in law, seeing that I am a poor man, and lightly esteemed? 18.20-23
Finally Saul came up with a deal that David just couldn't refuse. He offered to sell Michal for 100 Philistine foreskins.
Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines. 18.25
And this "pleased David well."
And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well. 18.26
He was so pleased, in fact, that he got a bit carried away and paid twice the asking price.
Wherefore David arose and went … and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. 18.27
After David paid Saul the 200 foreskins, Saul knew for sure that "the Lord was with David." (How else could David get so many foreskins?)
And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David. 18.28
God's next killing: The LORD said unto David, Go, and smite the Philistines
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/13/2010 08:08:00 AM 11 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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10 January 2010In the valley of Ellah: Goliath
After Samuel cried all night and tore his skirt over Saul's incomplete genocide, he finished the job the next day by hacking Agag to pieces before the Lord.
But God and Samuel were still upset by the whole thing. It broke their little hearts. After all, God told Saul to kill all the Amalekites, and Saul saved one guy alive, along with some animals he planned to sacrifice to God later on. (How would you feel if you told someone to commit genocide and then they went and left one person alive?)
Samuel never saw Saul again (not with his clothes on, anyway – See 1 Samuel 19.24), but "mourned" for him. And God repented of making Saul king.
Samuel came no more to see Saul until the day of his death: nevertheless Samuel mourned for Saul: and the LORD repented that he had made Saul king over Israel. 1 Samuel 15.35
So God and Samuel found another king, someone who would gladly kill anyone at any time for any reason, a man after God's own heart: David.
I'm going to skip the details about how God and Samuel selected David so I can get on with the story at hand. But since the same pair (God and Samuel) that conspired to produce the Amalekite massacre selected David as king, you know it was a good selection!
When Samuel anointed David as king, the Spirit of the Lord came on David and it was with him for the rest of his life. At the same time, of course, the Spirit of the Lord departed from Saul and was replaced by an evil spirit from God, as required by the first law of spiritual thermodynamics.
Then Samuel took the horn of oil, and anointed him ... and the Spirit of the LORD came upon David from that day forward. ... But the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD troubled him. 16.13-14
This dastardly evil spirit from God caused Saul lots of problems. And only one thing seemed to help: David and his harp.
David came to Saul, and stood before him: and he loved him greatly ... And Saul sent to Jesse, saying, Let David, I pray thee, stand before me; for he hath found favour in my sight. And it came to pass, when the evil spirit from God was upon Saul, that David took an harp, and played with his hand: so Saul was refreshed, and was well, and the evil spirit departed from him. 16.21-23
And now we finally get the the story I'm supposed to be telling. The one you already know. David and Goliath.
It begins with a Philistine named Goliath, who was a big guy, even by NBA standards. At 6 cubits and a span, he would have been about 3 meters (nearly 10 feet) tall.
There went out a champion out of the camp of the Philistines, named Goliath, of Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span. 17.4
Goliath had a plan to limit the smiting that was always going on between the Philistines and the Israelites -- a fair fight between two guys: him and whomever the Israelites chose.
He stood and cried unto the armies of Israel, and said unto them, Why are ye come out to set your battle in array? am not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me. If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall ye be our servants, and serve us. 17.8-9
David heard about it and volunteered for the job. It might have had something to do with the reward.
What shall be done to the man that killeth this Philistine, and taketh away the reproach from Israel? for who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God? 17.26
And the men of Israel said … it shall be, that the man who killeth him, the king will enrich him with great riches, and will give him his daughter, and make his father's house free in Israel. 17.25
(OK, the verses are out of order, but hey, this is the Bible.)
Then Eliab, David's oldest brother, said that David was just doing it because he had a proud, naughty heart and wanted to get out of watching the sheep.
Eliab's anger was kindled against David, and he said, Why camest thou down hither? and with whom hast thou left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know thy pride, and the naughtiness of thine heart. 17.28
But David ignored Eliab and went to talk to King Saul.
David finds Saul and offers his services as giant killer but Saul is skeptical.
David said to Saul … thy servant will go and fight with this Philistine. And Saul said to David, Thou art not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him: for thou art but a youth, and he a man of war from his youth. 17.32-33
So David tells him a confusing story about how once, while tending sheep, he killed a lion (and a bear?) with his bare hands. God helped him kill the lion (and the bear?); he'll do the same with the 10 foot giant.
David said unto Saul, Thy servant kept his father's sheep, and there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock: And I went out after him, and smote him, and delivered it out of his mouth: and when he arose against me, I caught him by his beard, and smote him, and slew him. Thy servant slew both the lion and the bear: and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be as one of them, seeing he hath defied the armies of the living God. David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. 17.34-37a
So Saul gives David the job, putting his own sword, helmet, and coat of mail on him.
Saul said unto David, Go, and the LORD be with thee. And Saul armed David with his armour, and he put an helmet of brass upon his head; also he armed him with a coat of mail. 17.37b-38
But David wasn't used to it, so he decided to go with just his staff, a sling, and five stones instead.
David said unto Saul, I cannot go with these; for I have not proved them. And David put them off him. And he took his staff in his hand, and chose him five smooth stones out of the brook, and put them in a shepherd's bag which he had, even in a scrip; and his sling was in his hand: and he drew near to the Philistine. 17.39-40
As he was leaving, Saul said to his captain Abner, "Who's son is that boy?"
When Saul saw David go forth against the Philistine, he said unto Abner, the captain of the host, Abner, whose son is this youth? And Abner said, As thy soul liveth, O king, I cannot tell. And the king said, Enquire thou whose son the stripling is. 17.55-56
(In the previous chapter, Saul sent a messenger to tell Jesse to send his son David, David came and played his harp for Saul to get rid of God's evil spirit, and Saul "loved him greatly" for it. Yet now he doesn't even know who David is.)
So David goes off and confronts Goliath, after making a little speech.
Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied. This day will the LORD deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. And all this assembly shall know that the LORD saveth not with sword and spear: for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give you into our hands. 17.45-47
And you know the rest of the story: David killed Goliath, cut off his head and brought it to Jerusalem.
David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth. So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David. Therefore David ran, and stood upon the Philistine, and took his sword, and drew it out of the sheath thereof, and slew him, and cut off his head therewith. And when the Philistines saw their champion was dead, they fled … And David took the head of the Philistine, and brought it to Jerusalem. 17.49-54
(There is a completely different Bible story about Goliath's death, but I'm going to ignore that for now. 2 Samuel 21:19 says that Elhanan killed Goliath.)
Note: Although the Bible doesn’t explicitly say that God helped David kill Goliath, David claims that he did. (“This day will the Lord deliver thee into mine hand.” 1 Sam 17.46) But whatever God’s involvement may have been in this killing, he clearly approved of it. So I’m including it on the list.
God's next killing: David buys a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/10/2010 07:24:00 PM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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09 January 2010In the Valley of Elah: Did God help David kill Goliath?
After Samuel cried all night and tore his skirt over Saul's incomplete genocide, he finished the job the next day by hacking Agag to pieces before the Lord.
But God and Samuel were still upset by the whole thing. It broke their little hearts. After all, God told Saul to kill all the Amalekites, and Saul saved one guy alive, along with some animals he planned to sacrifice to God later on. (How would you feel if you told someone to commit genocide and then they went and left one person alive?)
Samuel never saw Saul again (not with his clothes on anyway -- see 1 Samuel 19:24), but he "mourned" for him. And God repented of making Saul king.
And Samuel came no more to see Saul until the day of his death: nevertheless Samuel mourned for Saul: and the LORD repented that he had made Saul king over Israel. 1 Samuel 15:35
So God and Saul found another king, someone who would gladly kill anyone at any time for any reason, a man after God's own heart: David.
I'm going to skip the details about how God and Samuel selected David so I can get on with the story at hand. (But be sure to read the Brick Testament story.) But since the same pair (God and Samuel) that conspired to produce the Amalekite massacre selected David as king, you know it was a good selection!
When Samuel anointed David as king, the Spirit of the Lord came on David and it was with him for the rest of his life. At the same time, of course, the Spirit of the Lord departed from Saul and was replaced by an evil spirit from God, as required by the first law of spiritual thermodynamics.
Then Samuel took the horn of oil, and anointed him ... and the Spirit of the LORD came upon David from that day forward. ...
But the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD troubled him. 1 Samuel 16:13-14
This dastardly evil spirit from God caused Saul lots of problems. And only one thing seemed to help: David and his harp.
I guess Saul was too busy with God's evil spirit to notice that David had replaced him as king. In any case he seems to have fallen in love with him.
David came to Saul, and stood before him: and he loved him greatly ... And Saul sent to Jesse, saying, Let David, I pray thee, stand before me; for he hath found favour in my sight. And it came to pass, when the evil spirit from God was upon Saul, that David took an harp, and played with his hand: so Saul was refreshed, and was well, and the evil spirit departed from him. 1 Samuel 16:19-23
And now we finally get the the story I'm supposed to be telling. The one you already know. David and Goliath.
It begins with a Philistine named Goliath, who was a big guy, even by NBA standards. At 6 cubits and a span, he would have been about 3 meters (nearly 10 feet) tall. His armor weighed 5000 shekels (57.5 kg, 126 lb) and he threw a spear with at iron tip that weighed 600 shekels (6.9 kg, 15 lb).
Goliath had a plan to limit the smiting that was always going on between the Philistines and the Israelites -- a fair fight between two guys: him and whoever the Israelites chose.
David heard about it and volunteered for the job. It might have had something to do with the reward.
What shall be done to the man that killeth this Philistine, and taketh away the reproach from Israel? for who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God? 1 Samuel 17:26
And the men of Israel said, Have ye seen this man that is come up? surely to defy Israel is he come up: and it shall be, that the man who killeth him, the king will enrich him with great riches, and will give him his daughter, and make his father's house free in Israel. 1 Samuel 17:25
(OK, the verses are out of order, but hey, this is the Bible.)
Then Eliab, David's oldest brother, said that David was just doing it because he had a proud, naughty heart and wanted to get out of watching the sheep.
And Eliab his eldest brother heard when he spake unto the men; and Eliab's anger was kindled against David, and he said, Why camest thou down hither? and with whom hast thou left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know thy pride, and the naughtiness of thine heart. 1 Samuel 17:28
But David ignored Eliab and went to talk to king Saul.
[It's getting a bit confusing, isn't it? In the last chapter David was anointed king by Samuel and then did a harp-playing gig to help get rid of Saul's evil spirit from God. But let's forget about all that (let the believers sort it all out) and get back to the story.]
David finds Saul and offers his services as giant killer but Saul is skeptical. So David tells him a confusing story about how once, while tending sheep, he killed a lion (and a bear?) with his bare hands. God helped him kill the lion (and the bear?); he'll do the same with the 10 foot giant.
And David said unto Saul, Thy servant kept his father's sheep, and there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock: And I went out after him, and smote him, and delivered it out of his mouth: and when he arose against me, I caught him by his beard, and smote him, and slew him. Thy servant slew both the lion and the bear: and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be as one of them, seeing he hath defied the armies of the living God. David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. And Saul said unto David, Go, and the LORD be with thee. 1 Samuel 17:34-37
So Saul gives David the job, putting his own sword, helmet, and coat of mail on him. But David wasn't used to it, so he decided to go with just his staff, a sling, and five stones instead.
As he was leaving, Saul said to his captain Abner, "Who's son is that boy?"
And when Saul saw David go forth against the Philistine, he said unto Abner, the captain of the host, Abner, whose son is this youth? And Abner said, As thy soul liveth, O king, I cannot tell. And the king said, Enquire thou whose son the stripling is. 1 Samuel 17:55-56
(In the previous chapter, Saul sent a messenger to tell Jesse to send his son David, David came and played his harp for Saul to get rid of God's evil spirit, and Saul "loved him greatly" for it. Yet now he doesn't even know who David is.)
So David goes off and confronts Goliath, after making a little speech.
Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied. This day will the LORD deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. And all this assembly shall know that the LORD saveth not with sword and spear: for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give you into our hands. 1 Samuel 17:45-47
And you know the rest of the story: David killed Goliath, cut off his head and brought it to Jerusalem.
(There is a completely different Bible story about Goliath's death, but I'm going to ignore that for now. 2 Samuel 21:19 says that Elhanan killed Goliath.)
The question I have is this: does God deserve credit for this killing?
David said that God would deliver Goliath into his hand, but maybe he was wrong about that. What do you think? Should I include this in God's killings?
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/09/2010 12:21:00 PM 11 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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05 January 2010Samuel hacks Agag to pieces before the Lord
Saul ruined God's last killing by not killing all the Amalekites. God wanted a complete genocide, and Saul blew it by keeping one man alive (along with a few animals that he planned to kill later for God). Poor Samuel was so upset that he tore his skirt and cried all night.
It grieved Samuel; and he cried unto the LORD all night. 1 Samuel 15.11
Samuel … laid hold upon the skirt of his mantle, and it rent. 15.27
But according to the story, it wasn't God that told Saul to commit genocide. It was Samuel. Samuel said "thus saith the Lord" and Saul was stupid enough to believe him. And believers have followed along ever since.
After the genocide, Samuel just kept making nasty shit up and blaming it on God.
Then came the word of the LORD unto Samuel, saying, It repenteth me that I have set up Saul to be king: for he is turned back from following me, and hath not performed my commandments. 15.10-11
The LORD sent thee on a journey, and said, Go and utterly destroy the sinners the Amalekites, and fight against them until they be consumed. 15.18
The commandment of God that Saul broke was "Thou shalt kill everyone, man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass."
Thus saith the Lord of hosts … Go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 15.2-3
So Samuel had to finish the holy genocide by hacking Agag to pieces before the Lord.
Then said Samuel, Bring ye hither to me Agag the king of the Amalekites. And Agag came unto him delicately. And Agag said, Surely the bitterness of death is past. And Samuel said, As the sword hath made women childless, so shall thy mother be childless among women. And Samuel hewed Agag in pieces before the LORD in Gilgal. 15.32-33
Samuel was a monster. But he was a hero to God and still is to all Bible believers.
God's next killing: In the valley of Ellah -- Goliath
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/05/2010 08:36:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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02 January 2010The Amalekite Genocide
Nothing much needs to be said about this one.
You only need to read the first three verses from 1 Samuel 15 to know for sure that the God of the Bible is evil. (Thank goodness he doesn't exist!)
Still, it is good idea to look at the story in context.
(Bible believers often tell us to look at the context. But context nearly always makes Bible stories worse, not better. This story is no exception.)
Samuel also said unto Saul ... Thus saith the LORD of hosts, I remember that which Amalek did to Israel, how he laid wait for him in the way, when he came up from Egypt. Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15.1-3
Notice that Samuel speaks here for God. Why would anyone believe that then or now? Was it because it sounded like something God would say?
And if the genocide was so important to God, why didn't he tell Saul directly?
But let's assume that the Bible is right and Samuel quoted God correctly. If so, then (unlike many of God's killings) we know why God wanted to Saul to kill all the Amalekites -- because God remembered what their ancestors did hundreds of years before they were born (they defended themselves when the Israelites tried to kill them and take their land).
And Saul pretty much did as God commanded. He sent 210,000 soldiers to kill everyone and everything among the Amalekites: men, women, children, babies, animals -- except for the king, Agag, and some of the more valuable sheep, oxen, and lambs.
Saul gathered the people together … two hundred thousand footmen, and ten thousand men of Judah. … And Saul smote the Amalekites ... And he took Agag the king of the Amalekites alive, and utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword. But Saul and the people spared Agag, and the best of the sheep, and of the oxen, and of the fatlings, and the lambs, and all that was good, and would not utterly destroy them: but every thing that was vile and refuse, that they destroyed utterly. 15.4-9
Saul killed the old men, the pregnant women, the children and babies. But he spared the king and some of the more valuable animals, and God would never forgive him for it.
Samuel cried his little eyes out all night and God repented of making Saul king.
Then came the word of the LORD unto Samuel, saying, It repenteth me that I have set up Saul to be king: for he is turned back from following me, and hath not performed my commandments. And it grieved Samuel; and he cried unto the LORD all night. 15.10-11
It's good to know that God repented. When you order someone to commit genocide for stuff that happened centuries ago, you should be a bit sorry about it.
But that wasn't what God was sorry about. God wanted all of the Amalekites to be killed. In some sick way it made God happy every time an old Amalekite woman or a little baby was killed.
No, God repented of making Saul king because he didn't kill everyone, and God wanted everyone killed.
And if you believe in the Bible, you wanted them killed, too.
[If this Bible story is true (which it isn't, of course), how many Amalekites were killed at God's command? I originally gave it the usual 1000 for a standard massacre, but Saul sent 210,000 soldiers to do the killing. He wouldn't send that many soldiers to kill only 1000 civilians, would he? So I increased it to 10,000.]
God's next killing: Samuel hacks Agag to pieces before the Lord
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/02/2010 11:22:00 AM 11 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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28 February 2010Jehu assembled the followers of Baal and then slaughtered them all
After Jehu finished killing Ahab's family in Samaria, he called an assembly to worship Baal.
Jehu gathered all the people together, and said unto them, Ahab served Baal a little; but Jehu shall serve him much. 2 Kings 10:18
Jehu would lead the sacrifice to Baal and any follower of Baal that did not come would be killed.
Now therefore call unto me all the prophets of Baal, all his servants, and all his priests; let none be wanting: for I have a great sacrifice to do to Baal; whosoever shall be wanting, he shall not live. 2 Kings 10:19a
But he was lying, of course. He assembled the followers of Baal, not to worship Baal with them as he said, but to kill them all.
But Jehu did it in subtilty ... that he might destroy the worshippers of Baal. 2 Kings 10:19b
So Jehu called the assembly.
Jehu said, Proclaim a solemn assembly for Baal. And they proclaimed it. And Jehu sent through all Israel: and all the worshippers of Baal came, so that there was not a man left that came not. And they came into the house of Baal; and the house of Baal was full from one end to another. 2 Kings 10:20-21
Then he told 80 of his men to kill of the worshipers of Baal, saying he'd kill whoever let any escape.
And when they went in to offer sacrifices and burnt offerings, Jehu appointed fourscore men without, and said, If any of the men whom I have brought into your hands escape, he that letteth him go, his life shall be for the life of him. 2 Kings 10:24
When Jehu finished his sacrifice to Baal, he ordered the sacrifice of all of the followers of Baal.
As soon as he had made an end of offering the burnt offering, that Jehu said to the guard and to the captains, Go in, and slay them; let none come forth. And they smote them with the edge of the sword. 2 Kings 10:25
God approved of this and all of Jehu's previous mass murders. He liked them so much, in fact, that Jehu's sons would be kings of Israel for the next four generations.
And the LORD said unto Jehu, Because thou hast done well in executing that which is right in mine eyes, and hast done unto the house of Ahab according to all that was in mine heart, thy children of the fourth generation shall sit on the throne of Israel. 2 Kings 10:25
God's next killing: The priest of Baal and Queen Athaliah
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/28/2010 04:05:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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26 February 2010Practical matters from Scripture: What should be done with Tilikum?
Bryan Fischer at RenewAmerica.com has a great idea. Let's apply scripture to everyday life.
Take the recent, tragic incident at SeaWorld in Olando, where a trainer was killed by an orca, for example. It wouldn't have happened if we paid attention to scripture.
Mr. Fischer says that God's instructions on such matters are clearly laid out in Exodus 21:28-29.
So let's take a look at these verses.
If an ox gore a man or a woman, that they die: then the ox shall be surely stoned, and his flesh shall not be eaten; but the owner of the ox shall be quit. Exodus 21:28
Well, I'm not sure that this verse applies directly to orcas, but I like the way Bryan is thinking. So let's stay with him on this.
Exodus 21:28 says that if someone is killed by an ox, then we must stone the ox to death.
Which means, I guess, that we should stone Tilikum to death.
This brings up some practical problems, though, doesn't it? How can we can stone an orca to death? I guess Mr. Fischer thinks we should try.
But however we kill Tilikum, we can't eat him afterward. Oh, and the owner is to be considered blameless.
On to verse 29.
But if the ox were wont to push with his horn in time past, and it hath been testified to his owner, and he hath not kept him in, but that he hath killed a man or a woman; the ox shall be stoned, and his owner also shall be put to death. Exodus 21:29
This verse makes things much more interesting, especially since this was not the first time someone was "gored" by Tilikum.
If we follow the Bible on this, we not only have find a way to stone Tilikum, we also have to kill his owner (or owners), as well.
Yeah, the the folks at Sea World should have followed the Bible.
Or maybe we should just stop using large predators as entertainment.
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/26/2010 04:41:00 PM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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25 February 2010Jehu and his partner show their zeal for the Lord by killing the rest of Ahab's family
After meeting with Ahaziah's family (and killing them all), Jehu got into his chariot and drove away furiously toward Samaria. On his way he ran across an old friend, Jehonadab.
Jehu asked Jehonadab, "Is your heart as true to mine as mine is to yours?" And Jehonadb said, "It is." (I guess they were really good friends.)
When he was departed thence, he lighted on Jehonadab the son of Rechab coming to meet him: and he saluted him, and said to him, Is thine heart right, as my heart is with thy heart? And Jehonadab answered, It is. 2 Kings 10:15a
Then Jehu said, "If it is, give me your hand." (This is getting so romantic!)
If it be, give me thine hand. 2 Kings 10:15b
So Jehu reached out his hand and took Jehonadab into the chariot.
And he gave him his hand; and he took him up to him into the chariot. 2 Kings 10:15c
When Jehonadab and Jehu were finally together, Jehu said, "Come with me, and see my zeal for the Lord."
And he said, Come with me, and see my zeal for the LORD. 2 Kings 10:16
Then the two men, whose hearts were true to each other, rode off into the sunset toward Samaria.
When they arrived in Samaria, they slaughtered the rest of Ahab's family, "according to the saying of the LORD, which he spake to Elijah."
And when he came to Samaria, he slew all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him, according to the saying of the LORD, which he spake to Elijah. 2 Kings 10:17
And by so doing, the true-hearted partners expressed their zeal for the Lord.
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The Bible doesn't say how many were killed, so I just guessed 100.
There really should be a Brick Testament story for this one!
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God's next killing: Jehu assembles the followers of Baal and then slaughters them all
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/25/2010 11:21:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Jehu killed 42 of Ahaziah's family (and God approved of this killing)
After Jehu killed what remained of Ahab's family in Jezreel, he went to Samaria and met with the family of king Ahaziah of Judah.
And he arose and departed, and came to Samaria. And ... met with the brethren of Ahaziah king of Judah, and said, Who are ye? And they answered, We are the brethren of Ahaziah; and we go down to salute the children of the king and the children of the queen. 2 KIngs 10:12-13
It was a short, productive meeting. Jehu had only one action item: kill all the attendees.
And he said, Take them alive. And they took them alive, and slew them at the pit of the shearing house, even two and forty men; neither left he any of them. 2 KIngs 10:14
That's all that 2 Kings says about it. But the killing is also covered in 2 Chronicles.
The destruction of Ahaziah was of God by coming to Joram: for when he was come, he went out with Jehoram against Jehu the son of Nimshi, whom the LORD had anointed to cut off the house of Ahab. And it came to pass, that, when Jehu was executing judgment upon the house of Ahab, and found the princes of Judah, and the sons of the brethren of Ahaziah, that ministered to Ahaziah, he slew them. And he sought Ahaziah: and they caught him, (for he was hid in Samaria,) and brought him to Jehu: and when they had slain him. 2 Chronicles 22:7-9
So we know that the killing of Ahaziah's 42 relatives was "of God" -- which means that God approved of these killings.
But was it part of Jehu's hit list from God?
I guess God only knows that, and he's not telling.
(I guess even God has the right to remain silent.)
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God's next killing: Jehu and his partner show their zeal for the Lord by killing the rest of Ahab’s family
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/25/2010 08:56:00 AM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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24 February 2010Context: It almost always makes it worse
When it comes to God's killings in the Bible, context matters. And it almost always makes them less defensible.
Maybe that's why I can't find any believers to explain how context makes God's killings OK.
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/24/2010 09:35:00 PM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Ahab's hometown family, friends, and priests
In God's last killing, the chicken-shit leaders of Jezreel sent Jehu the heads of Ahab's sons (all 70 of them).
But that didn't quite satisfy Jehu. He had his orders from God, given to him by Elisha when Jehu was made king.
Thus saith the LORD God ... thou shalt smite the house of Ahab thy master ... The whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall ....And I will make the house of Ahab like the house of Jeroboam ... and Baasha ... And the dogs shall eat Jezebel in the portion of Jezreel, and there shall be none to bury her. 2 Kings 9:6-10
So although he was off to a good start, having killed Ahab's son, Jehoram, Ahab's wife, Jezebel, and 70 of Ahab's sons, there still might be a few wall-pissing family or friends of Ahab left to kill.
The first place that Jehu looked was Ahab's old hometown, Jezreel. He searched the town and found all of Ahab's family, friends, and priests -- whoever that was associated somehow with Ahab and might also have pissed against a wall at one time or another.
And then he killed them all.
So Jehu slew all that remained of the house of Ahab in Jezreel, and all his great men, and his kinsfolks, and his priests, until he left him none remaining. 2 Kings 10:11
Then he took his search elsewhere.
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The text doesn't say how many of Ahab's family and friends were killed in Jezreel. I'll just say 100.
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God's next killing: Ahaziah's family
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/24/2010 08:07:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Ahab's sons: 70 heads in two heaps
Jehu was on a mission from God.
(Like Anton Chigurh in "No Country for Old Men," but without the coin tosses.)
First he killed one of Ahab's sons, Jehoram. Then he killed Ahab's wife, Jezebel. Now it was time to take care of the rest of Ahab's family.
He started by writing letters to the rulers of Jezreel challenging them fight for Ahab's sons. But they were intimidated by Jehu (they'd probably heard about his previous murders) and said that they would do whatever he wanted.
So Jehu wrote another letter telling them what he wanted: Bring him the heads of all 70 of Ahab's sons tomorrow.
Then he wrote a letter the second time to them, saying, If ye be mine, and if ye will hearken unto my voice, take ye the heads of the men your master's sons, and come to me to Jezreel by to morrow this time. Now the king's sons, being seventy persons, were with the great men of the city, which brought them up. 2 Kings 10:6
And that's what they did. They killed Ahab's 70 sons, put the heads in baskets, and brought them to Jehu.
And it came to pass, when the letter came to them, that they took the king's sons, and slew seventy persons, and put their heads in baskets, and sent him them to Jezreel. 2 Kings 10:7
When Jehu heard that the heads had arrived, he said to put them in two heaps at the city gate and let them stay there overnight.
And there came a messenger, and told him, saying, They have brought the heads of the king's sons. And he said, Lay ye them in two heaps at the entering in of the gate until the morning. 2 Kings 10:8
The next morning Jehu went out and told the people that "the LORD hath done that which he spake by his servant Elijah." (See 1 Kings 21:21)
But there were still others that God wanted Jehu to visit.
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God' next killing: Ahab’s hometown family, friends, and priests
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/24/2010 04:18:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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23 February 2010Jezebel
Next on God's hit list for Jehu was Jezebel. So he rode his chariot over to her house.
When she heard Jehu was coming, she put on her make-up and sat by the window. As he entered the gate, she said, "Is it peace, Zimri, murderer of your master?," referring to Zimri's murder of king Baasha and his family.
Jehu poked his head in the window and said to Jezebel's eunuchs, "Who is on my side?" And then said, "Throw her down."
So the eunuchs threw her out the window, where she was trampled by horses, her blood splattering everywhere.
Throw her down. So they threw her down: and some of her blood was sprinkled on the wall, and on the horses: and he trode her under foot. 2 Kings 9:33
Then Jehu went off to eat and drink, telling his people to go take a look the "cursed woman" and then bury her.
And when he was come in, he did eat and drink, and said, Go, see now this cursed woman, and bury her: for she is a king's daughter. 2 Kings 9:34
But when they went to bury her, but couldn't find her, at least not very much of her. Dogs had already eaten everything except her skull, feet, and the palms of her hands.
And they went to bury her: but they found no more of her than the skull, and the feet, and the palms of her hands. 2 Kings 9:35
Which, of course, is just like God said it would be. Jezebel would be eaten by dogs and her body would be treated like shit.
This is the word of the LORD, which he spake by his servant Elijah the Tishbite, saying, In the portion of Jezreel shall dogs eat the flesh of Jezebel: And the carcase of Jezebel shall be as dung upon the face of the field 2 Kings 9:36-37
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God's next killing: Seventy heads in two heaps
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/23/2010 06:20:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Jehoram of Israel
Remember when God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king? You might have thought that that would be the end of it. But no. God still had Ahab's family to kill. It was sort of his way of paying it forward.
The story is a bit complicated, but it starts with Elisha, who called one of "the children of the prophets" and told him to "gird his loins," get some oil, and go anoint Jehu as king of Israel. (You know you're in for some big-time prophet action when Elisha tells you to grab some oil and gird your loins.)
Elisha the prophet called one of the children of the prophets, and said unto him, Gird up thy loins, and take this box of oil ... And when thou comest thither, look out there Jehu ... and ... take the box of oil, and pour it on his head, and say, Thus saith the LORD, I have anointed thee king over Israel. 2 Kings 9:1-3
So that's what that son of a prophet did. He girded his loins and made Jehu king.
Then he told the new king that God had a job for him.
Thus saith the LORD God ... thou shalt smite the house of Ahab thy master, that I may avenge the blood of my servants the prophets, and the blood of all the servants of the LORD, at the hand of Jezebel. 2 Kings 9:6-7
Just in case it wasn't clear, the son of the prophet elaborated a bit. God wanted Jehu to kill everyone in Ahab's family, especially those that had ever "pissed against a wall."
For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall. 2 Kings 9:8
He reminded Jehu of the last two families that God had executed: Jeroboam's and Baasha's. He wanted Jehu to go and do likewise to Ahab's family.
I will make the house of Ahab like the house of Jeroboam ... and Baasha. 2 Kings 9:9
But there was one person that God wanted more than just dead. Ahab's wife, Jezebel, was to be not just killed, but fed to the dogs, so that there would be nothing left of her body to bury.
And the dogs shall eat Jezebel in the portion of Jezreel, and there shall be none to bury her. 2 Kings 9:10
And that was the end of the message from God.
(As you may have noticed by now, God has a one-track mind.)
So Jehu took off in his chariot to get started on God's killings. When people saw him coming, they'd say, "That must be Jehu because he's driving like crazy." (Jehu is the patron saint of reckless drivers.)
And the watchman told, saying, He came even unto them, and cometh not again: and the driving is like the driving of Jehu the son of Nimshi; for he driveth furiously. 2 Kings 9:20
It wasn't long before Jehu found God's first victim: Ahab's son, Jehoram -- a wall-pisser if there ever was one!
So Jehu did what God told him to do. He shot him right through the heart and threw his dead body in the field of Naboth, "according to the word of the Lord."
Jehu drew a bow with his full strength, and smote Jehoram between his arms, and the arrow went out at his heart ... Then said Jehu to Bidkar his captain ... cast him into the plat of ground, according to the word of the LORD. 2 Kings 9:24-26
And so died the first wall-pisser in Ahab's family.
Then Jehu got back in his chariot and drove off furiously to find the rest.
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God's next killing: Jezebel
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/23/2010 03:28:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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God calls for a seven year famine
Well, there's not much to say about this one. It all happens in a single verse.
Then spake Elisha unto the woman, whose son he had restored to life, saying, Arise, and go thou and thine household, and sojourn wheresoever thou canst sojourn: for the LORD hath called for a famine; and it shall also come upon the land seven years. 2 Kings 8.1
God called for a seven year famine. The Bible doesn't say why God did this.
But I guess God can starve people to death if he wants to, for any reason, or for no reason at all.
The Bible doesn't say how many God starved to death in the seven year famine, so I'll just guess 7000, 1000 per year.
God's next killing: Jehoram of Israel
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/23/2010 08:51:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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22 February 2010A skeptic is trampled to death
There was a famine in Samaria that was so severe that a donkey's head and a cup of bird dung sold for 80 and 5 shekels of silver, respectively. (About 500 and 32 current U.S. dollars)
There was a great famine in Samaria: and, behold, they besieged it, until an ass's head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove's dung for five pieces of silver. 2 Kings 6.25
And women were busy negotiating a schedule for eating each other's sons.
This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son tomorrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him. 6.28
But Elisha and God said things were about to change. Tomorrow, 7.5 liters of flour and 15 liters of barley will sell for 1 shekel of silver. (About 6 current U.S. dollars)
Then Elisha said, Hear ye the word of the LORD; Thus saith the LORD, To morrow about this time shall a measure of fine flour be sold for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, in the gate of Samaria. 7.1
An officer overheard Elisha's forecast for the commodities market, and he didn't believe it would happen. He said that even if God made it rain, prices wouldn't fall so much in a single day.
Then a lord on whose hand the king leaned answered the man of God, and said, Behold, if the LORD would make windows in heaven, might this thing be? 7.2a
Elisha responded that the skeptical officer would see it happen, but wouldn't be able to take advantage of the low prices. (Because he'd be dead.)
Behold, thou shalt see it with thine eyes, but shalt not eat thereof. 7.2b
Later that day, God made the Syrians hear things. The whole Syrian army heard the noise of non-existent chariots, horses, and soldiers. It was one massive, God-induced, collective, auditory hallucination. It was like the entire army was on a bad acid trip, and it scared the hell out of them.
The LORD had made the host of the Syrians to hear a noise of chariots, and a noise of horses, even the noise of a great host: and they said one to another, Lo, the king of Israel hath hired against us the kings of the Hittites, and the kings of the Egyptians, to come upon us. 7.6
So the Syrian army left Samaria because of the noises that God put in their heads.
Wherefore they arose and fled in the twilight, and left their tents, and their horses, and their asses, even the camp as it was, and fled for their life. 7.7
And the price of commodities fell, just like God and Elisha predicted.
So a measure of fine flour was sold for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, according to the word of the LORD. 7.16
But what happened to the skeptical officer?
He was trampled to death.
And the king appointed the lord on whose hand he leaned to have the charge of the gate: and the people trode upon him in the gate, and he died, as the man of God had said ... And so it fell out unto him: for the people trode upon him in the gate, and he died. 7:17-20
(I don’t know if God caused this to happen or not. But it seems pretty clear that he approved of it.)
God's next killing: God's seven year famine
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/22/2010 09:05:00 PM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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450 Religious Leaders Killed in a Prayer Contest
But who killed them? Elijah or God or both?
Here's the story.
Ahab, the king of Israel, was a follower of Baal, which, of course, Yahweh and Elijah didn't like very much. So Elijah suggested a prayer contest to determine which god was the real God.
Elijah told Ahab to get all the prophets of Baal to meet him on Mt. Carmel. When they arrived, he told them to get a bull, kill it, chop it into pieces, and put the whole bloody mess on some wood. But don't light it on fire. Then ask Baal to light it all on fire.
So the prophets of Baal did that. They prayed and prayed and cut themselves with knives, but nothing happened. Elijah taunted them, saying, "Pray harder! Maybe your god is on a trip or sleeping or something." But still there was no fire.
Elijah did the same thing. He even poured water over it all three times. Then he prayed to God and a fire fell down from heaven and consumed it all, even the surrounding stones.
Then Elijah told the spectators to slaughter the 450 prophets of Baal.
Baal's prophets are four hundred and fifty men. ....
And Elijah said unto them, Take the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape. And they took them: and Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon, and slew them there. 1 Kings 18:22, 40
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Here's ZJemptv's Mount Carmel Challenge.
Why doesn't anyone try this experiment today? (Skipping the slaughter of the losers.) We could start with believers vs. non-believers, Christians vs. Muslims, Catholics vs. Protestants, etc., until we zoomed in on the correct religious belief. It'd be so simple!
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God's next killing: The first God-assisted slaughter of the Syrians
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/22/2010 02:29:00 PM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Leprosy shall cleave unto thee and unto thy seed forever.
That's what Elisha said to his servant, Gehazi. And when Elisha speaks, he speaks for God.
So God gave Gehazi and all of his descendants leprosy. He had a reason, of course. He always has a reason. But it really doesn't matter what it was, does it? The punishment was unjustified no matter what the crime may have been.
But I suppose I should tell the story anyway.
It all starts out well enough, with Elisha curing a man named Naaman of leprosy by having him wash seven times in the Jordan River.
Then went he down, and dipped himself seven times in Jordan, according to the saying of the man of God: and his flesh came again like unto the flesh of a little child, and he was clean. 2 Kings 5:14
Naaman offered to pay Elisha for the cure, but Elisha refused his offer. Gehazi, Elisha's servant, thought a payment was reasonable, though, so he went to talk to Naaman about it.
Gehazi told Naaman that Elisha wanted a talent of silver (about 35 kg) and two sets of clothing.
My master hath sent me, saying, Behold, even now there be come to me from mount Ephraim two young men of the sons of the prophets: give them, I pray thee, a talent of silver, and two changes of garments. 2 Kings 5:22
Naaman thought that was reasonable enough, so he gave him the silver and clothes.
When Gehazi returned, Elisha asked him where he went, and he said, "thy servant went no whither." ("I didn't go anywhere.")
But Elisha, like God, knows pretty much everything, so he knew Gehazi was lying about that. So Elisha cursed Gehazi and all of his descendants with leprosy.
The leprosy therefore of Naaman shall cleave unto thee, and unto thy seed for ever. And he went out from his presence a leper as white as snow. 2 Kings 5:27
The Bible doesn't say what became of Gehazi, whether he died because of the leprosy or not. (Although he does show up a few chapters later talking to a king, which would be unlikely for a person who was "unclean" because of leprosy.) But in those days, giving someone leprosy would be a death sentence.
Giving someone leprosy for lying is cruel and unjust; giving leprosy to the unborn future descendants of such a person is even more so. No reasonable person could think otherwise.
But did God kill anyone in this little Bible episode? Well, if God gave Gehazi and all his descendants leprosy, then some of them died because of it. But the Bible doesn't say whether Gehazi had any children, and it doesn't say what happened to Gehazi. And it is possible that "leprosy" in the Bible refers to some other type of skin disease.
So I'm not going to include this in God's killings, although it is a good story to remember. Bible believers believe that God gave Gehazi and all of his descendants some type of nasty skin disease.
Only a nasty God would do something like that.
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/22/2010 10:57:00 AM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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The Lord delivered the Moabites
This is a boring one. But since the Bible gives God the credit for this killing, so will I.
Here's the story.
Elisha tells the Israelites that God will deliver the Moabites into their hand.
The LORD ... will deliver the Moabites ... into your hand. 2 Kings 3.18
And when he does, God wants the Israelites to chop down the trees, ruin the wells, and destroy the land.
Ye shall smite every fenced city, and every choice city, and shall fell every good tree, and stop all wells of water, and mar every good piece of land with stones. 3.19
So the Israelites kill the Moabites, their trees and crops, and ruin their cities and wells.
The Israelites rose up and smote the Moabites, so that they fled before them: but they went forward smiting the Moabites ... And they beat down the cities, and on every good piece of land cast every man his stone, and filled it; and they stopped all the wells of water, and felled all the good trees. 3.24-25
Finally, the Moabite king sacrificed his son as a burnt offering in a desperate attempt to stop the massacre. And it seemed to work, too, since the Israelites stopped killing after that.
Then he took his eldest son that should have reigned in his stead, and offered him for a burnt offering upon the wall. And there was great indignation against Israel: and they departed from him, and returned to their own land. 3.27
Since God helped the Israelites smite several Moabite cities, I'll guess 1000 Moabites were killed in five cities, for a total of 5000.
God's next killing: A skeptic is trampled to death
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/22/2010 08:09:00 AM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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21 February 2010God sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of a prophet's bald head
After Elijah went up to heaven in a chariot of fire, his disciple Elisha put on Elijah's mantle and started to perform miracles of his own. First he parted the Jordan River by slapping it with Elijah's mantle, and then he healed some water by adding a bit of salt.
And then he decided to go to Bethel.
While he was walking along, a group of 42 young boys started to make fun of Elisha's bald head.
And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 2 Kings 2:23
So Elisha decided to try his new-found prophet powers by cursing the little buggers in the name of the Lord. Then he stood back and watched what happened.
And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. 2 Kings 2:24a
What happened must have been hard for him to watch. Two she bears came out of the woods and tore all 42 of the boys apart.
And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2 Kings 2:24b
The Bible doesn't say how Elisha reacted to the slaughter. It just says that he kept going on his journey to Bethel.
And he went from thence to mount Carmel, and from thence he returned to Samaria. 2 Kings 2:25
But I bet God got a kick out of the whole thing. He's the type.
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See Brucker's guest post on this killing: The Bad-News Bears
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God's next killing: The Lord delivered the Moabites
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/21/2010 01:56:00 PM 21 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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God killed king Ahaziah (of Israel) for asking the wrong god
In his last killing , God burned 102 men to death (in two shifts of 51 each) for asking Elijah to come down from his hill. The problem, I guess, was not so much in what they asked, but in how they asked it. The first two times, the captain asked directly, and God burned them all to death. The third time the captain groveled first and asked later, and that worked out fine. There’s a lesson there somewhere.
There was a reason, though, that Ahaziah wanted Elijah to come down from his hill. He wanted to ask Elijah to ask God if he was going to recover from his illness. And now that the third group of 51 got Elijah to come down from his hill, Ahaziah could ask Elijah to ask God about it.
[But Elijah had already told Ahaziah (via messengers) back in 2 Kings 1.6 that God was going to kill him for asking the wrong god, so I don't know why he had to send the three sets of 51 to asked Elijah again. I guess he wanted Elijah to come down and give him the message directly.]
In any case, Elijah came down the mountain to talk to the king.
He arose, and went down with him unto the king. 2 Kings 1.15
Here's what Elijah told the king (again).
Thus saith the LORD, Forasmuch as thou hast sent messengers to enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron, is it not because there is no God in Israel to enquire of his word? therefore thou shalt not come down off that bed on which thou art gone up, but shalt surely die. 1.16
And in the next verse, king Ahaziah dies "according to the word of the Lord."
So he died according to the word of the LORD which Elijah had spoken. 1.17
God's next killing: two bears rip apart 42 boys for making fun of a prophet’s bald head
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/21/2010 12:10:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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God burned 102 men to death for asking Elijah to come down from his hill
King Ahaziah (of Israel) became ill after falling though a lattice floor. So he sent some messengers to ask Baalzebub if he would recover.
Ahaziah fell down through a lattice in his upper chamber that was in Samaria, and was sick: and he sent messengers, and said unto them, Go, enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron whether I shall recover of this disease. 2 Kings 1.2
Then an angel told Elijah to tell some messengers to tell Ahaziah that God would kill him for asking the wrong god.
The angel ... said to Elijah ... Arise, go up to meet the messengers ... and say unto them, Is it not because there is not a God in Israel, that ye go to enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron? Now therefore thus saith the LORD, Thou shalt not come down from that bed ... but shalt surely die. 1.3-4
So the messengers returned and delivered the message to king Ahaziah.
The messengers … said unto him, There came a man up to meet us, and said unto us, Go, turn again unto the king that sent you, and say unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Is it not because there is not a God in Israel, that thou sendest to enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron? therefore thou shalt not come down from that bed on which thou art gone up, but shalt surely die. 1.5-6
Ahaziah asked them what the guy who gave them the message looked like. They said he was "a hairy man" with "leather about his loins."
What manner of man was he which came up to meet you, and told you these words? And they answered him, He was an hairy man, and girt with a girdle of leather about his loins. 1.7
When the king heard that, he knew it was Elijah. Nobody dresses like Elijah!
He said, It is Elijah. 1.8
So the king sent a captain and fifty men to go find Elijah. They found him sitting on top of a hill and said to him, "Come down."
Then the king sent unto him a captain of fifty with his fifty. And he went up to him: and, behold, he sat on the top of an hill. And he spake unto him, Thou man of God, the king hath said, Come down. 1.9
Which I guess was the wrong thing to say, judging from Elijah's response.
Elijah answered and said to the captain of fifty, If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty. 1.10a
And that's what happened. Fire came down from heaven and burned the 51 guys to death.
There came down fire from heaven, and consumed him and his fifty. 1.10b
I'm not sure how Ahaziah found out about all this, but he did, and he sent another captain and 50 men to try again.
Again also he sent unto him another captain of fifty with his fifty. 1.11a
They found Elijah sitting on top of the same hill and the captain told him the same thing: "Come down quickly." (I guess they added the quickly for emphasis.)
He … said unto him, O man of God, thus hath the king said, Come down quickly. 1.11b
Elijah responded in the usual way.
Elijah answered and said unto them, If I be a man of God, let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty. 1.12a
You probably can guess what happened next.
The fire of God came down from heaven, and consumed him and his fifty. 1.12b
Once again the king found out what had happened. So he sent another captain with 50 men. (I guess he figured it worked out well the first two times.)
He sent again a captain of the third fifty with his fifty. 1.13a
But this time the captain didn't ask Elijah to come down. He got on his knees and groveled in front of Elijah, begging him not to burn him to death.
The third captain of fifty went up, and came and fell on his knees before Elijah … and said unto him, O man of God, I pray thee, let my life, and the life of these fifty thy servants, be precious in thy sight. Behold, there came fire down from heaven, and burnt up the two captains of the former fifties with their fifties: therefore let my life now be precious in thy sight. 1.13b-14
And that worked a lot better. Elijah came down the off his hill and went with them to see Ahaziah -- which I guess is what Ahaziah wanted him to do in the first place.
The angel of the LORD said unto Elijah, Go down with him: be not afraid of him. And he arose, and went down with him unto the king. 1.15
So the moral of the story is this: If you see a hairy man dressed in a leather loin cloth sitting on top of a hill, don't ask him to come down (unless you grovel first) or God will burn you to death.
God's next killing: God killed king Ahaziah for asking the wrong God
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/21/2010 09:51:00 AM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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19 February 2010Josiah killed all the priests of the high places
Josiah was the king of religious intolerance. He “put down” the priests that burned incense to the sun, moon, planets, and stars.
He put down the idolatrous priests ... that burned incense unto Baal, to the sun, and to the moon, and to the planets, and to all the host of heaven. 2 Kings 23.5
He burned the Asherah pole (the “grove” in the KJV) and spread the ashes on the graves of the children.
And he brought out the grove …and burned it … and stamped it small to powder, and cast the powder thereof upon the graves of the children of the people. 2 Kings 23.6
He destroyed the houses of the temple homosexuals.
He brake down the houses of the sodomites, that were by the house of the LORD, where the women wove hangings for the grove. 2 Kings 23.7
And he executed the priests and burned human bones upon their altars.
He slew all the priests of the high places that were there upon the altars, and burned men's bones upon them. 2 Kings 23.20
This was all in accordance with the prophecy of “the man of God from Judah.”
There came a man of God out of Judah by the word of the LORD ... and he cried against the altar in the word of the LORD, and said, O altar, altar thus saith the LORD; Behold, a child shall be born unto the house of David, Josiah by name; and upon thee shall he offer the priests of the high places that burn incense upon thee, and men's bones shall be burnt upon thee. 1 Kings 13.1-2
God's next killing: Just another holy war
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/19/2010 04:37:00 PM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king
In God's last killing, he sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet when the prophet asked him to. But the next guy that came along was willing to do it, so the prophet was able to put ashes on his face and have a proper disguise for his meeting with King Ahab.
When King Ahab passed by, the prophet (with his cool disguise) said to him:
Thy servant went out into the midst of the battle; and, behold, a man turned aside, and brought a man unto me, and said, Keep this man: if by any means he be missing, then shall thy life be for his life, or else thou shalt pay a talent of silver. And as thy servant was busy here and there, he was gone. 1 Kings 20.39-40a
Which, of course, was complete bullshit. God's prophet was not only crazy, but a liar, as well.
King Ahab played along, though, and said, "OK, whatever."
The king of Israel said unto him, So shall thy judgment be; thyself hast decided it. 20:40b
Then the prophet wiped off the ashes on his face and revealed his true identity. He was a prophet! (It's really hard to tell a prophet when he has ashes on his face.)
He … took the ashes away from his face; and the king of Israel discerned him that he was of the prophets. 20.41
And then the prophet told King Ahab the bad news. God was going to kill the king (and his family, of course) for letting king Benhadad live. (See 1 Kings 20.34)
Thus saith the LORD, Because thou hast let go out of thy hand a man whom I appointed to utter destruction, therefore thy life shall go for his life, and thy people for his people. 20.42
And that's what happened. God carefully arranged things so that King Ahab would die while fighting the Syrians.
The battle increased that day: and the king [Ahab] was stayed up in his chariot against the Syrians, and died at even: and the blood ran out of the wound into the midst of the chariot. 22.35
And that is God's last killing in 1 Kings 20. (Five in one chapter!)
God's next killing: 102 men burn to death for asking Elijah to come down from his hill
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/19/2010 12:43:00 PM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet
I don't completely understand God's thinking on this one. Maybe a believer can explain it.
It all happens fast, in just two verses. Here's a summary:
A "son of a prophet" asked a "neighbor in the word of the Lord" to smite him.
A certain man of the sons of the prophets said unto his neighbour in the word of the LORD, Smite me, I pray thee. 1 Kings 20.35a
The neighbor refused.
And the man refused to smite him. 20.35b
So God sent a lion to kill him.
Then said he unto him, Because thou hast not obeyed the voice of the LORD, behold, as soon as thou art departed from me, a lion shall slay thee. And as soon as he was departed from him, a lion found him, and slew him. 20.36
It turns out, though, that there was some reason to the prophet's madness. The prophet wanted a good disguise when he met King Ahab, and he figured a wound would help. So he wanted his neighbor to cut his face, so he could put a bandage on it, so King Ahab wouldn't recognize him when he saw him. Or something like that.
(I don't know why the prophet couldn't just put a bandage on his face or a bag over his head to disguise himself. And I'm not sure why the disguise was necessary anyway. But I guess it was all very important to God.)
Anyway, the bat-shit crazy prophet found another guy who was willing to smite him.
Then he found another man, and said, Smite me, I pray thee. And the man smote him, so that in smiting he wounded him. 20.37
And so the prophet got his costume ready for his meeting with King Ahab.
So the prophet departed, and waited for the king by the way, and disguised himself with ashes upon his face. 20.38
Which leads us to God's next killing.
God's next killing: God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/19/2010 09:16:00 AM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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God killed 27,000 Syrians with a falling wall
In his last killing, God killed the 100,000 Syrians for calling him a hill god. But some of the name-calling Syrians escaped. God took care of them by having a wall fall on them, killing 27,000.
But the rest fled to Aphek, into the city; and there a wall fell upon twenty and seven thousand of the men that were left. 1 Kings 20.30a
It was a really big wall.
Note: Benhadad (the king of Syria) somehow managed to escape the falling wall.
And Benhadad fled, and came into the city, into an inner chamber. 1 Kings 20.30b
He asked Ahab to let him live, offering to restore the cities that Syria had previously taken from Israel.
Thy servant Benhadad saith, I pray thee, let me live … And Ben-hadad said unto him, The cities, which my father took from thy father, I will restore; and thou shalt make streets for thee in Damascus, as my father made in Samaria. 1 Kings 20.32-34a
So Ahab made a treaty with Benhadad and let him live.
Then said Ahab, I will send thee away with this covenant. So he made a covenant with him, and sent him away. 1 Kings 20.34 b
God would later kill him and his family (see here, here, here, here, and here) for this act of mercy.
God's next killing: God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/19/2010 07:53:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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The drought of Elijah
The story of Elijah begins with a drought.
Elijah … said unto Ahab, As the LORD God of Israel liveth, before whom I stand, there shall not be dew nor rain these years, but according to my word. 1 Kings 17.1
And according to 1 Kings, the drought ended in its third year (so it lasted more than two but less than three years).
The LORD came to Elijah in the third year, saying, Go, shew thyself unto Ahab; and I will send rain upon the earth. 1 Kings 18.1
But if you believe the New Testament authors, the drought lasted for 3 years and six months, during which time there was no rain anywhere on earth.
In the days of Elias [Elijah]…the heaven was shut up three years and six months, when great famine was throughout all the land. Luke 4.25
Elias [Elijah]… prayed earnestly that it might not rain: and it rained not on the earth by the space of three years and six months. And he prayed again, and the heaven gave rain, and the earth brought forth her fruit. James 5.17-18
The Bible doesn’t say why the drought occurred; apparently it was just to get Elijah’s prophecy career off to a good start. But if the book of James is right and it didn’t rain anywhere on earth for 3 and a half years, then many people must have died of starvation.
I’ll just guess that 3,000 people starved to death (1000 per year) in God’s promotional campaign for Ellijah.
God's next killing: 450 Religious Leaders Killed in a Prayer Contest
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/19/2010 05:03:00 AM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Solomon carries out the deathbed wish of David by having Joab and Shimei murdered
You can tell a lot about a person by his or her last words. Take David’s last words, for example.
David asked his son Solomon to murder Joab for him.
Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying … thou knowest also what Joab the son of Zeruiah did to me … let not his hoar head go down to the grave in peace. 1 Kings 2.1-6
So Solomon sent Benaiah to murder Joab.
It was told king Solomon that Joab was fled unto the tabernacle of the LORD; and, behold, he is by the altar. Then Solomon sent Benaiah … saying, Go, fall upon him … So Benaiah … fell upon him, and slew him. 2 Kings 2.29-34
And another person that David asked his son to murder was Shimei.
Thou hast with thee Shimei … which cursed me with a grievous curse in the day when I went to Mahanaim: but he came down to meet me at Jordan, and I sware to him by the LORD, saying, I will not put thee to death with the sword. Now therefore hold him not guiltless: for thou art a wise man, and knowest what thou oughtest to do unto him; but his hoar head bring thou down to the grave with blood. 1 Kings 2.8-9
So Solomon sent Benaiah to “fall on” Shimei, too.
So the king commanded Benaiah ... which went out, and fell upon him, that he died. 1 Kings 2.44-46
God, of course, wanted these people murdered, too. God approved of everything David did, except for the matter of Uriah (1 Kings 15.5).
God's next killing: A tale of two prophets
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/19/2010 03:41:00 AM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 February 2010God killed 100,000 Syrians for calling him a God of the hills
Don't call God a God of the hills. He really doesn't like it.
The Syrians called him that.
The servants of the king of Syria said unto him, Their gods are gods of the hills; therefore they were stronger than we; but let us fight against them in the plain, and surely we shall be stronger than they. 1 Kings 20.23
Then an anonymous "man of God" told the king of Israel (Ahab) that God would slaughter the Syrians for calling him a hill god and, by so doing, show Ahab that he is the Lord.
There came a man of God, and spake unto the king of Israel, and said, Thus saith the LORD, Because the Syrians have said, The LORD is God of the hills, but he is not God of the valleys, therefore will I deliver all this great multitude into thine hand, and ye shall know that I am the LORD. 20.28
So God delivered the Syrians into Ahab's hand and the Israelites killed 100,000 in one day.
And the children of Israel slew of the Syrians an hundred thousand footmen in one day. 20.29
(That's about twice as many as were killed in the three-day Battle of Gettysburg. But then, God wasn't involved in that one. He couldn't make up his mind which side he was on.)
God's next killing: God killed 27,000 Syrians with a falling wall
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/18/2010 12:02:00 PM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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The first God-assisted slaughter of the Syrians
This is a fairly simple story.
A nameless prophet tells King Ahab that God will deliver the "great multitude" of Syrians into his hand that very day, just to let Ahab know that "God is the Lord."
There came a prophet unto Ahab king of Israel, saying, Thus saith the LORD, Hast thou seen all this great multitude? behold, I will deliver it into thine hand this day; and thou shalt know that I am the LORD. 1 Kings 20.13
So Ahab rounded up 232 princes and 7000 "children of Israel" and went off to fight the "great multitude" of Syrians.
Then he numbered the young men of the princes of the provinces, and they were two hundred and thirty two: and after them he numbered all the people, even all the children of Israel, being seven thousand. 20.15
They went out at noon while the Syrian king Benhadad was busy "drinking himself drunk" with the help of 32 other kings.
They went out at noon. But Benhadad was drinking himself drunk in the pavilions, he and the kings, the thirty and two kings that helped him. 20.16
Benhadad must have taken his orders from a different God, though, because he told his soldiers not to kill any prisoners. (The God of the Bible would never allow that. In fact, Ahab will later be killed by God for not killing Benhadad when he takes him prisoner.)
He said, Whether they be come out for peace, take them alive; or whether they be come out for war, take them alive. 20.18
So the Israelites go out and kill lots of Syrians with a "great slaughter."
They slew every one his man: and the Syrians fled; and Israel pursued them ... And the king of Israel ... slew the Syrians with a great slaughter. 20.20-21
And now we all know for sure that God is the Lord.
(Who else would be so proud of killing so many people?) I guessed 10,000 for this one since it was a "great slaughter."
God's next killing: God killed 100,000 Syrians for calling him a God of the hills
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/18/2010 11:00:00 AM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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17 February 2010Baasha's family and friends
Remember how God made Jeroboam king and then killed his son and the rest of his family because he didn't like something that Jeroboam did? Yeah, well, he's at it again.
This time it's king Baasha that he's is pissed off about. Baasha became king by killing Jeroboam's son and then slaughtered the rest of Jeroboam's family, "according to the saying of the Lord."
Now you'd think that God would thank Baasha for doing his dirty work for him. But if so, you'd be wrong about that. God was angry at Baasha for killing Jeroboam's family, even though he apparently inspired him to do it. God works in really creepy ways.
God made his plans known in the usual way: he sent a prophet (Jehu) to tell Baasha the bad news.
Then the word of the LORD came to Jehu the son of Hanani against Baasha, saying, Forasmuch as I exalted thee out of the dust, and made thee prince over my people Israel; and thou hast walked in the way of Jeroboam, and hast made my people Israel to sin, to provoke me to anger with their sins; Behold, I will take away the posterity of Baasha, and the posterity of his house; and will make thy house like the house of Jeroboam the son of Nebat. Him that dieth of Baasha in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth of his in the fields shall the fowls of the air eat. 1 Kings 16:1-4
Yep, that's right. God will kill everyone in Baasha's family and feed their bodies to the dogs and birds.
But God doesn't do anything to Baasha. He just waits for him to die and then has his family slaughtered to teach him a lesson. (The best way to teach a man a lesson is to kill his family after he dies.)
So Baasha slept with his fathers, and was buried in Tirzah: and Elah his son reigned in his stead. 1 Kings 16:6
After Baasha died, his son Elah was king for two years. Then God got to work on his next mass murder.
One of Elah's captains (Zimri) was selected by God to do the killing. First he killed Elah (while he was "drinking himself drunk") and then all of Baasha's family and friends -- all those that pissed against a wall, anyway.
His servant Zimri, captain of half his chariots, conspired against him, ... drinking himself drunk. ... And Zimri went in and smote him, and killed him ... and reigned in his stead. ...
And it came to pass, when he began to reign, as soon as he sat on his throne, that he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends. Thus did Zimri destroy all the house of Baasha, according to the word of the LORD, which he spake against Baasha by Jehu the prophet. 1 Kings 16:9-12
So God had all of Baasha's wall-pissing friends and family killed. It doesn't say how many that was, so I'll just guess 20: 10 friends and 10 family members.
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Since I'm not having much luck getting apologists to defend God's killings, I thought I'd add a note from one of my favorite Bibles, the Quest Study Bible (QSB). Here's what they say about God's 80th killing. (p. 492)
Why did God punish Baasha? (16:7)
Baasha's violence accomplished God's purpose, but that one act did not make him a servant of God. God held him accountable for his evil intentions, not for inadvertently full fulling God's will. Baasha had wiped out Jeroboam's clan to increase his power base, not to honor God.
[Note that the editors of the QSB don't deny that God wanted Baasha to kill Jeroboam's family. In fact, they clearly believe that the slaughter was a good and noble act. The problem, they say, was Baasha's intention (which, by the way, the Bible says nothing about). If Baasha had of massacred Jeroboam's family to "honor God," it would have been (in their warped minds) a wonderful, virtuous act! You have to have the right intention when you slaughter a family for God.
But because Baasha didn't have the proper intention when performing the mass murder, God was forced to have someone else (Zimri) murder Baasha's family and friends. One holy mass murder leads to another.
But I guess Zimri didn't have the right intention either when he slaughtered Baasha's family and friends, so he burned himself to death because he did "evil in the sight of the LORD." But that's another story.]
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God's next killing: Zimri burns to death
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Posted by Steve Wells at 2/17/2010 11:48:00 AM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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15 February 2010Jeroboam's son: God kills another child
The story begins with a sick child, Abijah the son of king Jeroabom.
At that time Abijah the son of Jeroboam fell sick. 1 Kings 14:1
Jeroboam was worried about his son, so he told his wife to go ask the blind prophet Ahijah what will become of him.
And Jeroboam said to his wife, Arise, I pray thee, and disguise thyself ... and get thee to Shiloh: behold, there is Ahijah the prophet, which told me that I should be king over this people ... He shall tell thee what shall become of the child. 1 Kings 14:2-3
(Why did Jeroboam tell his wife to disguise herself? Would it matter much to a blind prophet?)
So she went to Ahijah's house.
And Jeroboam's wife did so, and arose, and went to Shiloh, and came to the house of Ahijah. 1 Kings 14:4a
Before her visit, God came to tell Ahijah that Jeroboam's wife would be coming to visit. God told him what he planned to do.
But Ahijah could not see; for his eyes were set by reason of his age. And the LORD said unto Ahijah, Behold, the wife of Jeroboam cometh to ask a thing of thee for her son; for he is sick: thus and thus shalt thou say unto her: for it shall be, when she cometh in, that she shall feign herself to be another woman.1 Kings 14:4b-5
So when Jeroboam's wife arrived, Ahijah told her he had some bad news.
And it was so, when Ahijah heard the sound of her feet, as she came in at the door, that he said, Come in, thou wife of Jeroboam; why feignest thou thyself to be another? for I am sent to thee with heavy tidings. 1 Kings 14:6
He said that God made Jeroboam king, but that Jeroboam wasn't perfect like God's servant David was. (See here for some of the perfect acts of David.) In fact, Jeroboam had acted worse than anyone who had ever lived up to that time. (God loves to exaggerate!)
Go, tell Jeroboam, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Forasmuch as I exalted thee from among the people, and made thee prince over my people Israel, And rent the kingdom away from the house of David, and gave it thee: and yet thou hast not been as my servant David, who kept my commandments, and who followed me with all his heart, to do that only which was right in mine eyes; But hast done evil above all that were before thee: for thou hast gone and made thee other gods. 1 Kings 14:7-9
So to punish Jeroboam, God would kill all of Jeroboam's sons (or, as God put it, all those "that pisseth against the wall").
Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall ... 1 Kings 14:10a
And dispose of Jeroboam's family as though they were pieces of shit.
... and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung, till it be all gone. 1 Kings 14:10b
Then he'll feed whatever is left of them to the dogs, if they lived in the city, or to the birds, if they were country folk.
Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 1 Kings 14:11
And finally, God will kill Jeroboam's sick son. As soon as the mother of the sick boy returns home, her son will die.
Arise thou therefore, get thee to thine own house: and when thy feet enter into the city, the child shall die. 1 Kings 14:12
After hearing the words of God from his prophet Ahijah, Jeroboam's wife returned home. And God killed the sick boy the moment his mother entered his room.
And Jeroboam's wife arose, and departed, and came to Tirzah: and when she came to the threshold of the door, the child died; 1 Kings 14:17
Could anyone love the God of the Bible after reading this story?
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God's next killing: Jeroboam's family
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/15/2010 08:48:00 PM 16 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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11 February 2010A Tale of Two Prophets
The story begins with an old, nameless prophet from Bethel who found another nameless prophet, the "man of God" from Judah, sitting under an oak tree.
Now there dwelt an old prophet in Bethel ... And he ... went after the man of God, and found him sitting under an oak. 1 Kings 13.11-14
The old prophet invited the man of God to come over to his house to eat, but the man of God said that he couldn't, since God told him not to eat or drink anything.
Then he said unto him, Come home with me, and eat bread. And he said, I may not return with thee, nor go in with thee: neither will I eat bread nor drink water with thee in this place: For it was said to me by the word of the LORD, Thou shalt eat no bread nor drink water there. 13.15-17
But the old prophet told the man of God that he was also a prophet and that an angel told him to go find the man of God, bring him back to his house, and give him some food and water.
He said unto him, I am a prophet also as thou art; and an angel spake unto me by the word of the LORD, saying, Bring him back with thee into thine house, that he may eat bread and drink water. 13.18a
Too bad for the man of God, but the old prophet was lying. (If you can't trust an old prophet, who can you trust?)
But he lied unto him. 13.18b
So the man of God went to eat at the lying, old prophet's house.
So he went back with him, and did eat bread in his house, and drank water. 13.19
Then God told the man of God (through the mouth of his lying prophet) that God was pissed at him for...I don't know what. Eating and drinking when God told him not to (even though a prophet of God told him that God said that he should)? Believing a lying prophet of God? What?
I don't know. But here's what the God's lying prophet said:
The word of the LORD came unto the prophet ... saying, Thus saith the LORD, Forasmuch as thou hast disobeyed the mouth of the LORD ... But camest back, and hast eaten bread and drunk water ... thy carcase shall not come unto the sepulchre of thy fathers. 13.20-22
After the meal, the man of God went on his way. And then a lion met him on the road and killed him.
And it came to pass, after he had eaten bread, and after he had drunk, that he saddled for him the ass ... And when he was gone, a lion met him by the way, and slew him. 13.23-24a
The lion hung around the dead man of God for quite a while. Lots of people came to see the carcass and the ass and the lion by the side of the road.
And his carcase was cast in the way, and the ass stood by it, the lion also stood by the carcase. And, behold, men passed by, and saw the carcase cast in the way, and the lion standing by the carcase. 13.24b-25
God's next killing: Jeroboam’s son: God kills another child
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/11/2010 01:04:00 PM 11 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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08 February 2010God killed 70,000 because David did a census that God (or Satan) told him to do
This is not an easy one to explain, but I'll give it a try.
It all starts with God telling David to do a census, you know like the one the U.S. Constitution requires us to do every ten years.
And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah. 2 Samuel 24:1
Or was it Satan that asked David to do the census, as it says in 1 Chronicles 21.1?
Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel.
Oh well, maybe it was both. They often work together. In any case, David sent Joab out to take the census, and after 9 months and 20 days, Joab came back with the results: there were 800,000 sword-yielding men in Israel and 500,000 in Judah.
So when they had gone through all the land, they came to Jerusalem at the end of nine months and twenty days. And Joab gave up the sum of the number of the people unto the king: and there were in Israel eight hundred thousand valiant men that drew the sword; and the men of Judah were five hundred thousand men. 2 Samuel 24.9
Or was it was 1,100,000 and 470,000 men in Israel and Judah, as it says in 1 Chronicles 21:5?
Joab gave the sum of the number of the people unto David. And all they of Israel were a thousand thousand and an hundred thousand men that drew sword: and Judah was four hundred threescore and ten thousand men that drew sword.
Whichever it may have been, either is comparable to the number of active duty soldiers in the U.S. military today. Not bad for small tribal kingdom in 1000 BCE!
After the census, David decided that he had done something wrong, which is weird since he had only taken a census that God told him to take.
David's heart smote him after that he had numbered the people. And David said unto the LORD, I have sinned greatly in that I have done. 2 Samuel 24.10
And God was angry, too, at least that's what the prophet Gad told him. Gad said God offered him three choices:
1. Seven years of famine (or three years if you believe the story in 1 Chronicles 21),
2. Three months of losing battles,
3. Or Three days of pestilence.
When David was up in the morning, the word of the LORD came unto the prophet Gad ... saying ... Thus saith the LORD, I offer thee three things; choose thee one of them, that I may do it unto thee. ... Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? or that there be three days' pestilence in thy land? 2 Samuel 24.11-13
David couldn't decide, so God decided for him. God chose the three days of pestilence, thereby killing 70,000 men, which would mean at least a couple hundred thousand people (since only men count to God).
So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel from the morning even to the time appointed: and there died of the people from Dan even to Beersheba seventy thousand men. 2 Samuel 24.15
But God was still pissed off, even after he finished killing a couple hundred thousand people in the pestilence. So he sent an angel to destroy the city of Jerusalem. But before the angel destroyed the city, God "repented him of the evil" that he intended to do and told him to stop.
When the angel stretched out his hand upon Jerusalem to destroy it, the LORD repented him of the evil, and said to the angel that destroyed the people, It is enough: stay now thine hand. 2 Samuel 24.16
When David saw the angel that was still killing people, he said, "I've sinned, but what have these people done?" A good question, that God, of course, completely ignores.
David spake unto the LORD when he saw the angel that smote the people, and said, Lo, I have sinned, and I have done wickedly: but these sheep, what have they done? 2 Samuel 24.17
Finally, Gad tells David to buy some land, make an altar, and kill some animals to make God quit killing people. So David buys some land for 50 shekels of silver (or 600 shekels of gold if you believe the story in 1 Chronicles 21), sets up an altar, and kills some animals for God.
And God finally stopped killing people.
Gad came that day to David, and said unto him, Go up, rear an altar unto the LORD in the threshingfloor of Araunah the Jebusite ... So David bought the threshingfloor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver. And David built there an altar unto the LORD, and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings. So the LORD was intreated for the land, and the plague was stayed from Israel. 2 Samuel 24.18-25
God's next killing: Solomon carries out the deathbed wish of David by having Joab and Shimei murdered
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/08/2010 10:00:00 PM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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David's Mighty Men and their Amazing Killings
There is a list of crazy single-handed killings in 2 Samuel 23 and 1 Chronicles 11 that the God obviously approved of since the Bible brags about them so much. I’m including them all here.
These be the names of the mighty men whom David had: 2 Samuel 23:8a
These also are the chief of the mighty men whom David had ... to make him king, according to the word of the LORD concerning Israel. And this is the number of the mighty men whom David had: 1 Chronicles 11:10-11a
Adino and/or Jashobeam
There is some confusion about this one. Who was the chief of David’s captains (Adino or Jashobeam) and how many did he kill with his spear at one time (300 or 800)? Was it two different captains in two different slaughters? I'll give them both credit and call it 1100.
The Tachmonite that sat in the seat, chief among the captains; the same was Adino the Eznite: he lift up his spear against eight hundred, whom he slew at one time. 2 Samuel 23:8
Jashobeam, an Hachmonite, the chief of the captains: he lifted up his spear against three hundred slain by him at one time. 1 Chronicles 11:11b
The son of Dodo
Next we have the son of Dodo who smote Philistines until his hand stuck to his sword, "and the LORD wrought a great victory that day." It doesn’t say how many he killed; I’ll guess 1000.
Eleazar the son of Dodo ... smote the Philistines until his hand was weary, and his hand clave unto the sword: and the LORD wrought a great victory that day. 2 Samuel 23:9-10
Eleazar the son of Dodo ... one of the three mighties ... slew the Philistines; and the LORD saved them by a great deliverance. 1 Chronicles 11:12-14
Shammah
Shammah isn't mentioned in the 1 Chronicles account, but according to 2 Samuel, God was involved since "the Lord wrought a great victory." I’ll give God and Shammah credit for another 1000 for this “great victory.”
Shammah the son of Agee ... slew the Philistines: and the LORD wrought a great victory. 2 Samuel 23:11-12
Abishai
Abishai killed 300 Philistines with his spear.
Abishai ... lifted up his spear against three hundred, and slew them. 2 Samuel 23:18
Abishai the brother of Joab, he was chief of the three: for lifting up his spear against three hundred, he slew them. 1 Chronicles 11:20
Jehoiada
This one is my favorite. Jehoiada killed two lion-like men and then a lion in a snowy pit. After that he killed a good-looking, 7.5 foot tall Egyptian with the Egyptian's spear.
Benaiah the son of Jehoiada ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: he went down also and slew a lion in the midst of a pit in time of snow. And he slew an Egyptian, a goodly man: and the Egyptian had a spear in his hand. 2 Samuel 23:20-21
Benaiah the son of Jehoiada ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: also he went down and slew a lion in a pit in a snowy day. And he slew an Egyptian, a man of great stature, five cubits high; and in the Egyptian's hand was a spear like a weaver's beam; and he went down to him with a staff, and plucked the spear out of the Egyptian's hand, and slew him with his own spear. 1 Chronicles 11:22-23
God's next killing: God killed 70,000 because David had a census that God (or Satan) told him to do
Posted by Steve Wells at 2/08/2010 09:34:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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30 March 2010Jesus
You’ve heard this one before: God killed his son in order to stop himself from torturing people forever after they die for something that someone else supposedly did thousands of years before they were born.
The story is known too well already. So I'm not going to waste any time on it here. There are only two things that you need to know.
1. God killed his own son.
He ... spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all. Romans 8:32
2. He had the whole thing planned from the very beginning.
Ye were not redeemed with corruptible things ... But with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot: Who verily was foreordained before the foundation of the world. 1 Peter 1:18-20
It's hard to imagine something worse than a father planning to kill his own son. Except maybe a father killing his son in order to keep himself from torturing billions of others forever.
"He that spared not his own son" shouldn't be trusted by anyone.
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/30/2010 10:20:00 AM 31 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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29 March 2010Herod was eaten by worms for not giving the God the glory
One day, King Herod (Aggripa) gave a speech to the people.
Upon a set day Herod, arrayed in royal apparel, sat upon his throne, and made an oration unto them. Acts 12:21
The Bible doesn't tell us what he said, but it must have been one hell of a good speech, since when the people heard it they all shouted at once and in unison, "this is the voice of a god, not a man."
The people gave a shout, saying, It is the voice of a god, and not of a man. 12:22
But God didn't like the speech. And he was especially angry at Herod for not giving the glory to him. God wants all of the glory and it pisses him off when someone else gets some. So he sent an angel down to kill him.
Immediately the angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the glory. 12:23a
And then God fed King Herod to the worms.
And he was eaten of worms, and gave up the ghost. 12:23b
(I give God all the glory for this Bible story.)
God's next killing: Jesus
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/29/2010 10:56:00 PM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Hananiah
Whenever two prophets get together in the Bible, you can be pretty sure that one of them will soon be killed by God. Remember how God sent a lion to kill a prophet for believing another prophet’s lie? And then he sent another lion to kill another prophet for refusing to smite fellow prophet? Yeah, well, the same thing happens to here to Hananiah, sans lion.
The trouble starts when Hananiah prophesies good news for the people of Judah. God was going to break the yoke of the king of Babylon and bring the people of Judah back home.
Hananiah … the prophet … spake … in the presence of the priests and of all the people, saying, Thus speaketh the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel, saying, I have broken the yoke of the king of Babylon. Within two full years … I will bring again to this place … all the captives of Judah … for I will break the yoke of the king of Babylon. Jeremiah 28.1-4
Which contracted what Jeremiah had been telling everyone. Lately, in fact, Jeremiah was running around wearing a wooden yoke, symbolizing Nebuchadnezzar’s absolute power over Israel. So Hananiah’s good news was anathema to him.
Jeremiah replied with his usual sarcasm.
Amen: the LORD do so: the LORD perform thy words which thou hast prophesied, to bring again the vessels of the LORD's house, and all that is carried away captive, from Babylon into this place. 28.6
Then Hanaiah took Jeremiah’s silly yoke and broke it in front of everyone.
Then Hananiah the prophet took the yoke from off the prophet Jeremiah's neck, and brake it. 28.10
And he repeated his prophecy about the end of Judah’s exile within two years.
And Hananiah spake in the presence of all the people, saying, Thus saith the LORD; Even so will I break the yoke of Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon from the neck of all nations within the space of two full years. 28.11
Jeremiah went away after that. But a little later God told Jeremiah to tell Hananiah that he wants everyone to serve Nebuchadnezzar, even the animals.
Go and tell Hananiah, saying, Thus saith the LORD … I have put a yoke of iron upon the neck of all these nations, that they may serve Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon; and they shall serve him: and I have given him the beasts of the field also. 28.14
Oh, yeah, and that within a year God would kill him.
Hear now, Hananiah; The LORD hath not sent thee; but thou makest this people to trust in a lie. Therefore thus saith the LORD; Behold, I will cast thee from off the face of the earth: this year thou shalt die, because thou hast taught rebellion against the LORD. 28.15-16
And, by golly, that’s what happened.
So Hananiah the prophet died the same year in the seventh month. 28.17
God's next killing: Ezekiel’s wife
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/29/2010 08:11:00 PM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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23 March 2010Ananias and Sapphira
Ananias and his wife, Sapphira, sold some land, gave some of the money to the apostles and kept the rest.
Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession, And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet. Acts 5:1-2
The bible doesn't say how much the land sold for or what percentage they kept or gave away.
But whatever the selling price may have been, the percentage of the donation wasn't enough to satisfy Peter. Or God.
But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land? ... Why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God. Acts 5:3-4
I don't know how Peter would know that Satan was involved in any of this. God must have told him. But what about this "lie to the Holy Ghost" thing? So far, at least as far as the text goes, Ananias hasn't said a thing. Don't your lips have to move when you lie?
Maybe not. Maybe you lie to the Holy Ghost every time you don't give all of your money to the church. (Which church? The Holy Ghost's church, of course!)
In any case, Ananias fell over dead before getting to say a single word in his own defense.
And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost. Acts 5:5
A few hours later, they bring in Sapphira, who didn't yet know what had happened to her husband.
And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in. Acts 5:7
Peter asked her if the land sold for a certain price, and she said, yes, that was what the land sold for.
And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much. Acts 5:8
Then Peter asked her why she and her husband had tempted the Spirit of the Lord. And then, before she could answer, Peter told her that the guys who had just buried her husband were going to do the same to her.
Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Acts 5:9
After hearing Peter's words, she fell down dead. And the "young men" came in to bury her.
Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband. Acts 5:10
And it scared the shit (and the shekels) out of everyone in the church.
And great fear came upon all the church, and upon as many as heard these things. Acts 5:11
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God's next killing: Herod Aggripa
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/23/2010 10:18:00 AM 29 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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22 March 2010God kills Ezekiel's wife and tells him not to mourn her death
I guess God was trying to make some kind of point in this killing. Maybe you can help me figure out what it was.
God had just revealed some important stuff to Ezekiel.
Thus saith the Lord GOD ... Woe to the bloody city, to the pot whose scum is therein, and whose scum is not gone out of it! ... That it might cause fury to come up to take vengeance; I have set her blood upon the top of a rock, that it should not be covered. ... Woe to the bloody city! ... Heap on wood, kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned ... that the filthiness of it may be molten in it, that the scum of it may be consumed. She hath wearied herself with lies, and her great scum went not forth out of her: her scum shall be in the fire. ... I the LORD have spoken it: it shall come to pass, and I will do it; I will not go back, neither will I spare. Ezekiel 24:3-14
So there you have it. God is going to make a bloody, scum-filled soup using human blood, bones, and body parts. It will come to pass and God will spare no one.
Then in the next verse he announces his next killing: Ezekiel's wife.
Also the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, Son of man, behold, I take away from thee the desire of thine eyes with a stroke. Ezekiel 24:15-16aa
Now, I don't think God meant to say here that he was going to kill Ezekiel's wife "with a stroke." Here's how the Revised Standard Version puts it.
Son of Man, behold, I am about to take the delight of your eyes away from you at a stroke." Ezekiel 24:16a (SRV)
So although we don't know how, we do know he's going to kill her right away, "in a stroke."
And when he does, God doesn't want Ezekiel to mourn her death in any way. He's not allowed to cry, take his shoes off, cover his lips, bind the tire of his head, or eat the bread of men.
Yet neither shalt thou mourn nor weep, neither shall thy tears run down. Forbear to cry, make no mourning for the dead, bind the tire of thine head upon thee, and put on thy shoes upon thy feet, and cover not thy lips, and eat not the bread of men. Ezekiel 24:16a-17
And that's what happens. God killed Ezekiel's wife and Ezekiel didn't give a shit.
My wife died; and I did in the morning as I was commanded. Ezekiel 24:16
Then God and Ezekiel explain the whole point of this killing to everyone in Israel. God will kill their sons and daughters, and no one is allowed to mourn them after they die, like Ezekiel didn't mourn his wife when God killed her. (At least I think that's the point here. Let me know if you think I'm wrong.)
Here's what Ezekiel told the people after God killed his wife.
The word of the LORD came unto me, saying ... your sons and your daughters ... shall fall by the sword. And ye shall do as I have done: ye shall not cover your lips, nor eat the bread of men. And your tires shall be upon your heads, and your shoes upon your feet: ye shall not mourn nor weep ... Thus Ezekiel is unto you a sign: according to all that he hath done shall ye do. Ezekiel 24:20-24
Well, now, that's a point worth killing for, isn't it?
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God's next killing: Judith is blessed above all women (for cutting off a sleeping man's head)
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/22/2010 09:30:00 PM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Job's Daughters (even prettier than the originals!)
Remember how, in God's 107th killing, a big wind blew down the house that Job's children were partying in? Well, it was all a part of God's plan -- or in this case, his bet with Satan.
In case you were wondering, God won the bet. Job never cursed God, even after he killed his children, slaves and animals, and then tormented Job with all kinds of nasty diseases.
And in the end, everything worked out well for Job. God gave him twice as much stuff as he had before, and even gave him seven new sons and three new daughters to replace the ones that he killed in his bet with Satan.
The new daughters even had names. And, best of all, the they were even prettier than the originals! They were the fairest women in all the land (fairer even than Snow White and the witch).
And he called the name of the first, Jemima; and the name of the second, Kezia; and the name of the third, Kerenhappuch. And in all the land were no women found so fair as the daughters of Job. Job 42:14-15
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You've probably heard of the masonic organization, "Job's Daughters," where young girls dress up in sheets and old men decide who is prettiest.
Yeah, well, now you know where the name comes from: the three pretty replacement daughters for the original (not as pretty) daughters of Job.
How sick is that?
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/22/2010 05:17:00 PM 28 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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God and/or Satan kill Job's children, slaves, and animals
This is the only killing in the Bible that Satan had anything to do with. And he didn't do it alone; God was a co-conspirator.
The story begins by introducing Job.
Job was a perfect man with 7 sons, 3 daughters, 7000 sheep, 3000 camels, 500 oxen, 500 she asses, and lots of slaves. He was the greatest man east of the Mediterranean.
There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil. And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters. His substance also was seven thousand sheep, and three thousand camels, and five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses, and a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the men of the east. Job 1:1-3
Job's sons liked to party a lot, and they often invited their sisters over to party with them.
And his sons went and feasted in their houses, every one his day; and sent and called for their three sisters to eat and to drink with them. Job 1:4
Job worried that his sons (he didn't worry about about his daughters) might sin while they were partying, so Job spent all his time killing animals for God in order to sanctify his sons.
And it was so, when the days of their feasting were gone about, that Job sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and offered burnt offerings according to the number of them all: for Job said, It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Job continually. Job 1:5
One day the sons of God came over to to God's place. And Satan was with them.
Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them. Job 1:6
God ignored his other sons, but was especially interested in Satan. He hadn't seen him for a while and wanted to know what he'd been up to lately.
And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Job 1:7a
Satan said that he'd been down hiking around on earth.
Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it. Job 1:7b
God asked Satan if he'd seen Job, you know, the guy that is perfect, upright, God-fearing, and whatnot.
And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? Job 1:8
Satan knew who God was talking about. He told God that Job had a good reason to be good. God made Job the biggest big shot east of Eden, protecting him from everything bad and giving him everything good.
Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, Doth Job fear God for nought? Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land. Job 1:9-10
Take away the protection and mess with his stuff, and he'll curse you to your face, Big Guy.
But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. Job 1:11
So God said, "You're on, Satan. Go back down to earth and and do whatever the hell you want with his stuff. But don't do anything to him."
And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. Job 1:12a
So Satan left God's place and, presumably, went down to earth to visit Job.
So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD. Job 1:12b
When Satan got down to earth, he found Job's children partying, as usual.
And there was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house: Job 1:13
And then all hell broke loose.
A messenger came to tell Job that the Sabeans had taken his oxen and asses and killed all his slaves ("servants" in the KJV).
And there came a messenger unto Job, and said, The oxen were plowing, and the asses feeding beside them: And the Sabeans fell upon them, and took them away; yea, they have slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Job 1:14-15
And then, while he was still talking to the first messenger, another messenger showed up, telling him that "a fire from God had fallen from heaven" and burned up Job's sheep and slaves (I guess some slaves must have survived the Sabean attack).
While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Job 116:
And then while the second messenger was talking, a third messenger arrived to tell Job that a wind came up and knocked down the house that his children were partying at, killing them all.
(These three messengers were, of course, the only ones who survived.)
While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Thy sons and thy daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house: And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Job 1:18-19
After Job heard these three messages he ripped up his clothes, shaved his head, fell on his face, and worshiped the God who had just murdered his children.
Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped. Job 1:20
Oh, and he also said that he was born naked and would die naked, God gives and takes away, blessed be his name.
And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. Job 1:21
God burned to death his slaves and animals and murdered his children, but Job didn't blame God.
In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. Job 1:22
But God was to blame, even if Job didn't have the guts to say so.
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We know that God and Satan killed Job's seven sons and three daughters. Job also owned a lot of slaves, which were killed in God's little bet with Satan, but the Bible doesn't say how many. I'll guess there were 50 slaves that died (some burned to death).
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God's next killing: Hananiah
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/22/2010 03:26:00 PM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 March 2010Remember David: Don't fill out Satan's 2010 Census form
This is a census year in the United States. Article 1, Section 2 of the U.S. Constitution requires a complete enumeration every ten years.
[An] Enumeration shall be made within three Years after the first Meeting of the Congress of the United States, and within every subsequent Term of ten Years, in such Manner as they shall by Law direct.
But Michele Bachmann won't be participating.
She claims it has something to do with WWII Japanese American internment camps, but I think it's all about the Bible. Michele knows her Bible too well to participate in a God-damned government census.
Remember what happened with David's census? God killed 70,000 men (and who knows how many women and children) in three days of pestilence.
Why did God kill so many people? Because David had a census.
David said to Joab and to the rulers of the people, Go, number Israel ... and bring the number of them to me, that I may know it.
...
And Joab gave the sum of the number of the people unto David.
...
And God was displeased with this thing; therefore he smote Israel.
...
So the LORD sent pestilence upon Israel: and there fell of Israel seventy thousand men. 1 Chronicles 21:2-14
And why did David have the census?
Because Satan told him to.
And Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel. 1 Chronicles 21:1
Michele Bachmann knows that if Satan could fool David, a man after God's own heart, he sure as hell could fool the authors of the U.S. Constitution.
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Note: Michele also knows that Satan had help in inspiring the David's census.
And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah. 2 Samuel 24:1
Satan and God worked on it together. But that's beside the point. God got angry and he and/or Satan inspired David to have a census and then God killed a couple hundred thousand people because of the census.
So it doesn't matter whether the 2010 census was inspired by God or Satan or both. God hates censuses, and he kills those that participate in them.
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/18/2010 10:12:00 AM 21 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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17 March 2010The Fall of Jerusalem
There are only two kinds of kings in the Bible: those that were like David and did right in the sight of the Lord and those that were not like David and did evil in the sight of the Lord. Zedekiah was in the latter group. He didn’t humble himself in front of Jeremiah, he rebelled against Nebuchadnezzar, stiffened his neck, and hardened his heart.
Zedekah … did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD his God, and humbled not himself before Jeremiah the prophet speaking from the mouth of the LORD. And he also rebelled against king Nebuchadnezzar, who had made him swear by God: but he stiffened his neck, and hardened his heart from turning unto the LORD God of Israel. 2 Chronicles 36.11-13
And everyone else in Judah was just as bad. They did all the basic heathen-like abominations, polluted the temple. You name it.
Moreover all the chief of the priests, and the people, transgressed very much after all the abominations of the heathen; and polluted the house of the LORD which he had hallowed in Jerusalem. 36.14
They even ignored, mocked, and mistreated God’s messengers.
And the LORD God of their fathers sent to them by his messengers, rising up betimes, and sending; because he had compassion on his people, and on his dwelling place. But they mocked the messengers of God, and despised his words, and misused his prophets. 36.15-16a
Well, there’s only so much of that shit that God will put up with. Finally he couldn’t take it any longer and unleashed his wrath upon them.
The wrath of the LORD arose against his people, till there was no remedy. 36.16b
He sent the Babylonians (Chaldees) to slaughter the people of Jerusalem. Young men, little girls, old people – God had them all killed without pity.
Therefore he brought upon them the king of the Chaldees, who slew their young men with the sword in the house of their sanctuary, and had no compassion upon young man or maiden, old man, or him that stooped for age: he gave them all into his hand. 36.17
Well, not all, I guess. Some survived and were carried off to Babylon.
Jeremiah gets even more carried away with this story. Here's what he says.
Thus saith the LORD God of Israel; Behold, I will turn back the weapons of war that are in your hands, wherewith ye fight against the king of Babylon, and against the Chaldeans … And I myself will fight against you with an outstretched hand and with a strong arm, even in anger, and in fury, and in great wrath. ... I will deliver Zedekiah king of Judah, and his servants, and the people, and such as are left in this city from the pestilence, from the sword, and from the famine, into the hand of Nebuchadrezzar king of Babylon, and into the hand of their enemies, and into the hand of those that seek their life: and he shall smite them with the edge of the sword; he shall not spare them, neither have pity, nor have mercy. ... He that abideth in this city shall die by the sword, and by the famine, and by the pestilence: but he that goeth out, and falleth to the Chaldeans that besiege you, he shall live, and his life shall be unto him for a prey. For I have set my face against this city for evil, and not for good, saith the LORD: it shall be given into the hand of the king of Babylon, and he shall burn it with fire. Jeremiah 21:4-10
The Bible doesn't say how many God killed with the sword, famine, and disease. But according to Jeremiah, everyone in Jerusalem died, except for those who surrendered to Nebachadnezzar. So I'll guess 10,000.
God's next killing: The Purim killings
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/17/2010 08:25:00 PM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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12 March 2010Friendly Fire: God forced "a great multitude" to kill each other
"A great multitude" of Ammonites, Moabites, and Edomites gathered to attack the kingdom of Judah.
There cometh a great multitude against thee from beyond the sea ... the children of Ammon and Moab and mount Seir [the Edomites]. 2 Chronicles 20.2
The king of Judah, Jehoshaphat, prays and prays and prays some more, asking God for help.
And Jehoshaphat stood in the congregation of Judah ... And said, O LORD God of our fathers, art not thou God in heaven? and rulest not thou over all the kingdoms of the heathen? and in thine hand is there not power and might, so that none is able to withstand thee?
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And now, behold, the children of Ammon and Moab and mount Seir ... invade.
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O our God, wilt thou not judge them? for we have no might against this great company that cometh against us; neither know we what to do: but our eyes are upon thee. 20.5-12
Everyone in Judah heard Jehoshaphat's boring prayer.
All Judah stood before the LORD, with their little ones, their wives, and their children. 20.13
And then the spirit of the Lord came upon Jahaziel (the son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel, the son of Mattaniah, a Levite of the sons of Asaph) who told the people of Judah not to worry. They didn’t even need to fight; God would fight for them.
Then upon Jahaziel the son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel, the son of Mattaniah, a Levite of the sons of Asaph, came the Spirit of the LORD in the midst of the congregation; And he said, Hearken ye, all Judah, and ye inhabitants of Jerusalem, and thou king Jehoshaphat, Thus saith the LORD unto you, Be not afraid nor dismayed by reason of this great multitude; for the battle is not yours, but God's. ... Ye shall not need to fight in this battle. 20.14-17
Then Jehoshaphat and the entire population of Judah fell on their faces.
Jehoshaphat bowed his head with his face to the ground: and all Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem fell before the LORD, worshipping the LORD. 20.18
Jehoshaphat appointed singers to praise the beauty and holiness and say to the army, "Praise the Lord."
Jehoshaphat ... appointed singers unto the LORD, and that should praise the beauty of holiness, as they went out before the army, and to say, Praise the LORD. 20.20-21
And God took care of everything else.
He ambushed the opposing army, forcing the Ammonites and the Moabites to kill the Edomites, and vice versa until "every one helped to destroy another."
When they began to sing and to praise, the LORD set ambushments against the children of Ammon, Moab, and mount Seir, which were come against Judah; and they were smitten. For the children of Ammon and Moab stood up against the inhabitants of mount Seir, utterly to slay and destroy them: and when they had made an end of the inhabitants of Seir, every one helped to destroy another. 20.22-23
And so when everyone in Judah went up to the watch tower, they saw nothing but dead bodies.
When Judah came toward the watch tower in the wilderness, they looked unto the multitude, and, behold, they were dead bodies fallen to the earth, and none escaped. 20.24
Then the people of Judah came down from the watch tower and stripped all the booty from the dead bodies. It took them three days, but they got lots of cool stuff, including precious jewels. But there was just too much for them to carry away.
When Jehoshaphat and his people came to take away the spoil of them, they found among them in abundance both riches with the dead bodies, and precious jewels, which they stripped off for themselves, more than they could carry away: and they were three days in gathering of the spoil, it was so much. 20.25
(Since there was "a great multitude" of Ammonites, Moabites, and Edomites, I estimated 30,000, 10,000 from each tribe.)
God's next killing: God made Johoram's bowels fall out
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/12/2010 11:14:00 AM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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11 March 2010God killed 120,000 valiant men for forsaking him
After God smote Ahaz by delivering him into the hand of the Syrian king, he delivered him into the hand of another king (Pekah, the king of Israel) for some more smiting. I guess the Syrian king didn't smite Ahaz hard enough.
God should have been pleased with the second smiting, though, since it was "a great slaughter."
He [Ahaz] was also delivered into the hand of the king of Israel, who smote him with a great slaughter. 2 Chronicles 28.5b
And it was a great slaughter, too. 120,000 valiant men died in one day! (And 200,000 women and children were taken for slaves.)
For Pekah the son of Remaliah slew in Judah an hundred and twenty thousand in one day, which were all valiant men; because they had forsaken the LORD God of their fathers. ... And the children of Israel carried away captive of their brethren two hundred thousand, women, sons, and daughters. 28.6-8
But God wasn't pleased with this slaughter either. In fact, the fierce wrath of God was now on the smiters.
A prophet of the LORD was there, whose name was Oded: and he ... said unto them, Behold, because the LORD God of your fathers was wroth with Judah, he hath delivered them into your hand, and ye have slain them in a rage that reacheth up unto heaven. ... for the fierce wrath of the LORD is upon you. 28.9-11
You see, in the first smiting, the Syrians didn't kill enough people; in the second, the Israelites killed too many. God has a golden mean, sort of a Goldilocks standard for smiting. I'm guessing that God thought that 60,000 to 80,000 was the proper amount of smiting to pay forward king Ahaz for his children/incense burning activities.
In any case, the Israelites worked things out with God by sending the slaves back to Judah and giving them their stuff back. And God forgot his rage toward the Israelites and moved on to his next killing.
God's next killing: Jerusalem
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/11/2010 06:18:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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God smote Ahaz with the king of Syria
Ahaz was another king that God didn't like very much. He just wasn't enough like David to suit him.
Ahaz ... did not that which was right in the sight of the LORD, like David his father. 2 Chronicles 28.1
And, it's true; he did seem to lack parenting skills.
Moreover he ... burnt his children in the fire. 28.3
But worst of all, he was a compulsive incense burner, burning incense in the high places, and on the hills, and under every green tree in Judah.
He burnt incense in the high places, and on the hills, and under every green tree. 28.4
So, of course, God had to put a stop to that.
He did it in the usual way; he smote him by delivering him into the hand of another king (this time the king of Syria).
Wherefore the LORD his God delivered him into the hand of the king of Syria; and they smote him … And he was also delivered into the hand of the king of Israel, who smote him with a great slaughter. 28.5
The text doesn't say how many of Judah's soldiers died in this smiting. But since in the next verse 120,000 soldiers die in one day, I figure it must have been at least 10,000.
God's next killing: 120,000 valiant men
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/11/2010 12:19:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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God destroys Amaziah
The first thing we are told about king Amaziah (besides when he began to reign and the name of his parents) is that "did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, but not with a perfect heart."
Amaziah ... did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, but not with a perfect heart. 2 Chronicles 25.1-2
And the first thing that he did was murder the murderers of his father.
Now it came to pass, when the kingdom was established to him, that he slew his servants that had killed the king his father. 25.3
Next he killed 10,000 Edomites (children of Seir).
Amaziah strengthened himself, and led forth his people, and went to the valley of salt, and smote of the children of Seir ten thousand. 25.11
And then he rounded up another 10,000 Edomites and pushed them all off a cliff. And "they all were broken in pieces."
And other ten thousand left alive did the children of Judah carry away captive, and brought them unto the top of the rock, and cast them down from the top of the rock, that they all were broken in pieces. 25.12
But then, after he got back from slaughtering the Edomites, Amaziah began to worship the Edomite gods.
After that Amaziah was come from the slaughter of the Edomites, that he brought the gods of the children of Seir, and set them up to be his gods, and bowed down himself before them, and burned incense unto them. 25.14
Which, unlike throwing 10,000 people off a cliff, was not right in the eyes of the Lord.
So God sent a prophet to tell Amaziah that God was going to destroy him.
Wherefore the anger of the LORD was kindled against Amaziah, and he sent unto him a prophet, which said unto him ... God hath determined to destroy thee. 25.15-16
Next Amaziah had a meeting with king Joash of Israel, who has this to say to Amaziah:
The thistle that was in Lebanon sent to the cedar that was in Lebanon, saying, Give thy daughter to my son to wife: and there passed by a wild beast that was in Lebanon, and trode down the thistle. 25.18
Which means nothing at all to me.
But then Joash says something a bit more comprehensible.
Thou sayest, Lo, thou hast smitten the Edomites; and thine heart lifteth thee up to boast: abide now at home; why shouldest thou meddle to thine hurt, that thou shouldest fall, even thou, and Judah with thee? 25.19
Which means, I guess, "Back off, big guy."
But Amaziah didn't back off and Joash defeated him ("for it came of God").
But Amaziah would not hear; for it came of God, that he might deliver them into the hand of their enemies, because they sought after the gods of Edom. ... And Judah was put to the worse before Israel. 25.20-22
Although Amaziah's army was defeated by Joash's, Amaziah survived the battle. But years later there was a conspiracy against him and he was killed.
Now after the time that Amaziah did turn away from following the LORD they made a conspiracy against him in Jerusalem; and he fled to Lachish: but they sent to Lachish after him, and slew him there. 25.27
So God caused the death of Amaziah and the defeat of his army, and, therefore the death of many of his soldiers. So I’ll add another 1000 to God’s total.
God's next killing: Ahaz
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/11/2010 08:52:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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10 March 2010Did God kill Uzziah?
Uzziah was one of God's favorite kings. He did right in the sight of the Lord just like his father, Amaziah.
Uzziah ... did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his father Amaziah did. 2 Chronicles 26:3-4
God helped him kill Philistines, Arabians, and Mehunim.
He went forth and warred against the Philistines ... And God helped him against the Philistines, and against the Arabians that dwelt in Gurbaal, and the Mehunims. 2 Chronicles 26:6-7
But one day Uzziah did something really awful. He burned some incense without a license.
He transgressed against the LORD his God, and went into the temple of the LORD to burn incense upon the altar of incense. 2 Chronicles 26:16
Azariah and 80 priests descended upon him and told him that only priest can burn incense.
And Azariah the priest went in after him, and with him fourscore priests of the LORD, that were valiant men ... and said unto him, It appertaineth not unto thee, Uzziah, to burn incense unto the LORD, but to the priests. 2 Chronicles 26:
So God, who saw the whole thing, did what he had to do: he gave Uzziah leprosy. (He was out of small pox at the time.)
"Behold, he was leprous in his forehead ... because the LORD had smitten him. 2 Chronicles 26:20
And Uzziah had leprosy for the rest of his life.
And Uzziah the king was a leper unto the day of his death. 2 Chronicles 26:21
The Bible doesn't say that Uzziah died of leprosy. But since leprosy is often fatal when untreated, it is likely that he did.
So what do you think? We know that God gave Uzziah leprosy. But did he kill him?
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/10/2010 07:20:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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All God's Killings: Search the scriptures to find them all
Those who have been following along with me know that I'm nearing the end of God's killings, at least those that I've included on the list. I worry, though, that I've missed some and I'd like to make the list as complete as possible, giving God all the credit or blame that is due, depending on one's point of view.
So I'll be starting another series of posts on God's suspected killings, those killings in which God would be a "person of interest" based upon the evidence provided by the Bible.
And I'd like you all to help me with this. Search the scriptures to uncover the bodies in the Bible and find scriptural evidence for God's guilt or innocence. Then let me know in the comments or by email, so we can start an investigation. Let's not let any of these cases become cold.
I'd especially like help on this from believers (I know you're out there). It's your book and your God. So you should be interested in knowing whom he has killed and why. Once you are convinced that God was responsible for a particular killing, why not explain why the killing was justified in the comments or guest post?
Because when it comes to these cases, we are all believers, with the Bible our only witness and its words infallible (except when it contradicts itelf).
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/10/2010 12:16:00 PM 13 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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09 March 2010Joash, the princes, and the army of Judah
Here's another boring one. Sorry about that.
It starts with the spirit of God coming on Zechariah, which, of course, makes him condemn everybody else.
The Spirit of God came upon Zechariah the son of Jehoiada the priest, which stood above the people, and said unto them, Thus saith God, Why transgress ye the commandments of the LORD, that ye cannot prosper? because ye have forsaken the LORD, he hath also forsaken you. 2 Chronicles 24.20
Then the people get pissed off at him, so they stone him (with stones).
And they conspired against him, and stoned him with stones at the commandment of the king [Joash] in the court of the house of the LORD. 24.21
As Zechariah died he asked God to avenge his death.
When he died, he said, The LORD look upon it, and require it. 24.22
So God sends "the host of Syria" to Judea to kill its princes.
At the end of the year … the host of Syria came up against him: and they came to Judah and Jerusalem, and destroyed all the princes of the people from among the people. 24.23
And defeat the "very great" Judean army, which the Syrians were able to do with "a small company of men" because the Lord delivered the army of Judah into their hand.
For the army of the Syrians came with a small company of men, and the LORD delivered a very great host into their hand, because they had forsaken the LORD God of their fathers. So they executed judgment against Joash. 24.24
In the process, Joash was wounded and then killed in his bed.
When they were departed from him, (for they left him in great diseases,) his own servants conspired against him for the blood of the sons of Jehoiada the priest, and slew him on his bed, and he died 24.25
The Bible doesn't say how many died, but since the Lord delivered "a very great host" into the hand of the Syrians, I'll say 10,000.
God's next killing: Amaziah
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/09/2010 08:50:00 PM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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08 March 2010ZJ hanging out with some friends
For those of you who don't have Ezekiel 23:20 and Leviticus 26:29 memorized:
For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses. Ezekiel 23:20
And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/08/2010 05:14:00 PM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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God killed Jehoram's sons
In Elijah's letter to Jehoram, he said that God would smite his children and his wives with a great plague.
Behold, with a great plague will the LORD smite thy people, and thy children, and thy wives. 2 Chronicles 21.14
From that, I expected God to send a disease to kill Jehoram's wives, children, and people. But he sent some Arabians instead.
Moreover the LORD stirred up against Jehoram the spirit of the Philistines, and of the Arabians, that were near the Ethiopians: And they came up into Judah, and brake into it, and carried away all the substance that was found in the king's house, and his sons also, and his wives; so that there was never a son left him, save Jehoahaz, the youngest of his sons. 21.16-17
So I figured the Arabians just enslaved Jehoram's wives and sons (Elijah, God, and the Bible say nothing about the daughters). But then, the next chapter starts with this:
The inhabitants of Jerusalem made Ahaziah his youngest son king in his stead: for the band of men that came with the Arabians to the camp had slain all the eldest. 22.1
Which means that the Arabians didn't just take his sons and wives away; they killed them. And since God was the one who stirred them up in the first place, he deserves credit for killing Jehoram's sons. (The verse doesn't say what happened to the wives, daughters, or the rest of the people of Judah.)
How many sons were killed by the Arabians? The text doesn't say, so I'll guess 3.
God's next killing: Ahaziah (of Judah)
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/08/2010 09:00:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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07 March 2010God made Jehoram's bowels fall out
Jehoram (of Judah) was not a very nice guy. When he became king he killed all of his brothers along with some Israelite princes.
Now when Jehoram was risen up to the kingdom of his father, he strengthened himself, and slew all his brethren with the sword, and divers also of the princes of Israel. 2 Chronicles 21.4
And then he did something that really pissed off God: he made all the people commit fornication.
Moreover he made high places in the mountains of Judah and caused the inhabitants of Jerusalem to commit fornication. 21.11
When the news got to Elijah, he sent Jehoram a letter telling him he was in big trouble with God. God will smite his children, wives, and all the people of Judah with a great plague.
Behold, with a great plague will the LORD smite thy people, and thy children, and thy wives. 21.14
And he will smite Jehoram with a disease of his bowels until his bowels fall out.
And thou shalt have great sickness by disease of thy bowels, until thy bowels fall out. 21.15
God first "stirred up" some people to carry away his sons and wives.
The LORD stirred up against Jehoram the spirit of the Philistines, and of the Arabians, that were near the Ethiopians: And they came up into Judah, and brake into it, and carried away his sons also, and his wives ... save Jehoahaz, the youngest of his sons. 21.16-17
And then God smote Jehoram in his bowels with an incurable disease.
After all this the LORD smote him in his bowels with an incurable disease. 21.18
For two years Jehoram suffered from the disease, until his bowels finally fell out.
After the end of two years, his bowels fell out by reason of his sickness: so he died of sore diseases. 21.19
God's next killing: Jehoram's sons
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/07/2010 09:56:00 PM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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God is no smarter than Sarah Palin (He writes on his palm, too!)
Remember how Sarah Palin wrote crib notes on her hand at the Tea Party Convention?
Yeah well, she's not the only one. God did it, too!
Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands. Isaiah 49:16
And now she's quoting this verse to justify using her palm for a cheat sheet.
Here's what she said at a Ohio Right To Life fundraiser Friday night.
"If what was good enough for God, scribbling on the palm of his hand, it's good enough for me, for us,"
Of course the Right To Life folks loved it. They're all palm writers, too.
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/07/2010 08:56:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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06 March 2010God killed one million Ethiopians
In the killing before last, God killed 500,000 Israelites. That was pretty impressive. But here, in the next chapter, God killed a million Ethiopians.
God got involved in this killing because he liked Asa, the king of Juda, so much. Asa did what was good and right in the eyes of the Lord by destroying the temples of other gods and forbidding their worship.
Asa did that which was good and right in the eyes of the LORD his God: For he took away the altars of the strange gods, and the high places, and brake down the images, and cut down the groves. 2 Chronicles 14.2-3
And he drove homosexuals out of the land.
And he took away the sodomites out of the land. 1 Kings 15.12
So when the Ethiopians attacked Judah while Asa was king, you know which side God was on.
There came out against them Zerah the Ethiopian with an host of a thousand thousand. 2 Chronicles 14.9
All Asa had to do was ask.
Asa cried unto the LORD his God, and said, LORD, it is nothing with thee to help, whether with many, or with them that have no power: help us, O LORD our God; for we rest on thee, and in thy name we go against this multitude. 2 Chronicles 14.11
And God killed all 1,000,000 Ethiopians, apparently all at once, in a single day.
So the LORD smote the Ethiopians ... they were destroyed before the LORD. 2 Chronicles 14.12-13
It was the largest, single, God-assisted slaughter in the Bible. (And according to McEvedy and Jones, it would have killed five times the entire Ethiopian population at the time.)
God's next killing: God forced “a great multitude” to kill each other
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/06/2010 09:38:00 PM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Jeroboam
After God killed 500,000 of Israelite soldiers, he killed their leader, king Jeroboam.
Neither did Jeroboam recover strength again in the days of Abijah: and the LORD struck him, and he died. 2 Chronicles 13.20
You see, God hated Jeroboam. To God, Jeroboam was the worst person who had ever lived.
Go, tell Jeroboam, Thus saith the LORD .... thou hast ... done evil above all that were before thee. 1 Kings 14.7-9
(Why did God hate Jeroboam so much? Because after he became king he made two golden calves, put them on altars at Bethel and Dan, and led the people in sacrifices to them. See 1 Kings 12.28)
God had already killed Jeroboam's son, and after God killed Jeroboam, he killed the rest of his family.
I'm not sure why. I guess it's all a part of God's family values.
This killing is a bit out of place chronologically. But I've decided to order God's killings according to the order that they occur in the Bible. It's hard to be sure of the correct chronology of mythical events.
God's next killing: a million Ethiopians
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/06/2010 07:40:00 PM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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05 March 2010God killed a half million Israelite soldiers
Sometimes God has to kill a half million of his favorite people just to make a point of some kind. I'm not sure what the point was in this case, but that's beside the point, whatever it might have been.
Here's what happened.
There was a war between king Abijah of Judah and Jeroboam of Israel. Abijah had 400,000 "chosen men" and Jeroboam had 800,000 "mighty men of valor."
Abijah set the battle in array with an army of valiant men of war, even four hundred thousand chosen men: Jeroboam also set the battle in array against him with eight hundred thousand chosen men, being mighty men of valour. 2 Chronicles 13.3
Abijah stood on a hilltop and delivered a long, boring speech to all 1.2 million men. (He had a very loud voice.)
Abijah stood up upon mount Zemaraim, which is in mount Ephraim, and said, Hear me, thou Jeroboam, and all Israel; Ought ye not to know that the LORD God of Israel gave the kingdom over Israel to David for ever, even to him and to his sons by a covenant of salt?
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And, behold, God himself is with us for our captain, and his priests with sounding trumpets to cry alarm against you. O children of Israel, fight ye not against the LORD God of your fathers; for ye shall not prosper. 13.4-12
When Abijah was done with his speech, Jeroboam's mighty men attacked from behind.
But Jeroboam caused an ambushment to come about behind them: so they were before Judah, and the ambushment was behind them. 13.13
But then the chosen men of Judah cried to God, blew some trumpets, and shouted all at once.
When Judah looked back, behold, the battle was before and behind: and they cried unto the LORD, and the priests sounded with the trumpets. Then the men of Judah gave a shout. 13.14-15a
And then God got involved, killing 500,000 Israelite soldiers.
As the men of Judah shouted … God smote Jeroboam and all Israel before Abijah and Judah. And the children of Israel fled before Judah: and God delivered them into their hand. And Abijah and his people slew them with a great slaughter: so there fell down slain of Israel five hundred thousand chosen men. 13.15b-17
But it was all for a good cause. I'm just not sure what the cause was.
God's next killing: Jeroboam
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/05/2010 09:08:00 PM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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04 March 2010Just another holy war
First Chronicles gets my vote for the most boring book ever written. Just try reading the first nine chapters some time. If you make it through, reading every word, you're probably the first person who ever has.
But hidden in the list of descendants of Reuben in chapter five, there's another one of God's killings, one that I'd missed before. I probably lost interest somewhere in the "These are the children of Abihail the son of Huri, the son of Jaroah, the son of Gilead, the son of Michael, the son of Jeshishai, the son of Jahdo, the son of Buz....."
So anyway, here's the story. I'm sorry it's so damned boring.
It all starts with 44,760 sons of Reuben, who were valiant men that could shoot bows and hack things to pieces with swords.
The sons of Reuben, and the Gadites, and half the tribe of Manasseh, of valiant men, men able to bear buckler and sword, and to shoot with bow, and skilful in war, were four and forty thousand seven hundred and threescore, that went out to the war. 1 Chronicles 5.18
All they needed was a war to keep them busy. And they found one.
They made war with the Hagarites, with Jetur, and Nephish, and Nodab. 5.19
While the sons of Reuben were fighting, they cried to God, so God decided to be on their side, delivering the Hagarites into their hand.
And the Hagarites were delivered into their hand, and all that were with them: for they cried to God in the battle, and he was intreated of them; because they put their trust in him. 5:20
And that pretty much did it. Once you have God on your side in a holy war that is "of God," killing people is a piece of cake.
For there fell down many slain, because the war was of God. 5.22
All that was left was to collect the booty.
They took away their cattle; of their camels fifty thousand, and of sheep two hundred and fifty thousand, and of asses two thousand, and of men an hundred thousand. 5.21
Which is pretty good, as booty goes. 50,000 camels, a quarter million sheep, 2000 asses, and 100,000 slaves.
But how many were killed in this holy war of God? It's a shame that God doesn't tell us, but with 100,000 slaves, I'd think the valiant sons of Reuben must have killed 50,000 or so. What with God on their side and all.
God's next killing: half a million Israelite soldiers
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/04/2010 03:57:00 PM 48 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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02 March 2010God caused king Sennacherib to be killed by his sons
Poor king Hezekiah was upset, so upset, in fact, that he "rent his clothes."
And it came to pass, when king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes. 2 Kings 19.1, Isaiah 37.1
You see, Hezekiah had just heard the commanding officer (Rabshakeh) of the Assyrian army say that Hezekiah and his people would soon be "eating their own dung and drinking their own piss."
But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? 2 Kings 18.27, Isaiah 36.12
So Hezekiah, who didn't much like eating dung or drinking piss, sent a message to Isaiah, asking him what he should do about it. Isaiah told him not to worry. God would put a spirit (or "a blast" in the KJV) in the king of Assyria (Sennacherib) so that he will "hear a rumor" to return to his home in Ninevah. Then God will cause him to be killed with the sword.
Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and shall return to his own land; and I will cause him to fall by the sword in his own land. 2 Kings 19.7, Isaiah 37.7
And that's what happened. Sennacherib returned to Ninevah and was killed by his sons while he was in church praying.
And it came to pass, as he was worshipping in the house of Nisroch his god, that Adrammelech and Sharezer his sons smote him with the sword. 2 Kings 19.37, Isaiah 37.38
But then, he was praying to the wrong God so he deserved it.
God's next killing: Josiah killed all the priests of the high places
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/02/2010 01:12:00 PM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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An angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers, "and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead."
Well, the title pretty much says it all, since it all happens place in a single verse (that is repeated twice in the Bible).
185,000 sleeping Assyrian soldiers were killed by an angel of the Lord. And when they woke up the next morning "behold, they were all dead."
The angel of the LORD went out, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians an hundred fourscore and five thousand: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses. 2 Kings 19.35, Isaiah 37.36
They probably all woke up and said in unison (as is customary in the Bible), "Shucks, I'm dead."
God's next killing: God caused King Sennacherib to be killed by his sons
Posted by Steve Wells at 3/02/2010 10:53:00 AM 17 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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30 April 2010David killed every male in Edom
There’s not a lot to go on here, just a few contradictory verses from four different books.
There’s a one-verse story from 2 Samuel saying that David got a name for himself by killing 18,000 Syrians in the valley of salt.
David gat him a name when he returned from smiting of the Syrians in the valley of salt, being eighteen thousand men. 2 Samuel 8.13
Then there’s a (sort of) similar verse from 1 Chronicles that agrees with 2 Samuel on the number killed (18,000) and the site of the killing (the valley of salt), but disagrees about the identities of the killer (Abishai vs. David) and the people killed (Syrians vs. Edomites).
Abishai … slew of the Edomites in the valley of salt eighteen thousand. 1 Chronicles 18.12
And there’s a Psalm story that says it was Joab who killed 12,000 in the valley of salt with the candlestick (or was it the lead pipe?).
Joab returned, and smote of Edom in the valley of salt twelve thousand. Psalm 60.1
In any case, whoever did the killing, whoever and however many were killed, it’s another example of God’s glorious killings, since we know that
The LORD preserved David whithersoever he went. 2 Samuel 8.14
And God approved of everything David ever did (with the single exception of the matter of Uriah).
David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15.5
There’s something else we are told about this killing. After the 18,000 (or 12,000) Edomites (or Syrians) were killed in the valley of salt by David (or Abishai or Joab), Joab killed every male in Edom.
When David was in Edom, and Joab the captain of the host was gone up to bury the slain, after he had smitten every male in Edom; (For six months did Joab remain there with all Israel, until he had cut off every male in Edom:) 1 Kings 11.15-16
(A little later God will have to have them all killed again, but that’s another story.)
So how many were killed in this killing? 18,000 or 12,000 in the valley of salt? And how many males were killed in Edom in Joab’s male genocide?
I’ll take 15,000 (the average of 12,000 and 18,000) for the number of Edomite (or Syrian) soldiers that were killed, and guess that 50,000 males of all ages were slaughtered, for a total of 65,000 in all.
God's next killing: Thus did David unto all the children of Ammon
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/30/2010 09:11:00 AM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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29 April 2010Bible Quiz Show
The 700 / 7000 horsemen thing in my last post reminded me of this fun NonStampCollector video.
Here are links to the contradictions mentioned in the video.
How long does God's anger last?
Does Yahweh tempt people?
Is salvation by faith alone?
Can God be seen?
Does Yahweh delight in burnt offerings?
Is God the author of evil?
According to Genesis, were humans created before the animals?
On the road to Damascus, did Paul's traveling companions hear the voice that spoke to Paul?
Will the earth last forever?
Is Jesus the only man to have ascended into heaven?
In Old Testament Law, were children to be punished for the sins of their fathers?
Does God ever get tired?
How many valiant men drew the sword for Israel as counted by Joab?
How many horsemen did David take ?
How much did David pay for the threshing floor?
How many men did the chief of David's captains kill?
When are two thieves one thief?
How many blind men did Jesus heal near Jericho?
How many women came to the tomb?
Whom did the women see at the tomb?
Are riches a curse or a blessing?
Did the temple curtain rip before or after Jesus died?
Who put the gorgeous purple robe on Jesus, Herod's soldiers or Pilate's soldiers?
Did Jesus curse the fig tree before or after driving the merchants from the temple?
Should homosexuals be killed or exiled?
Given that Quirinius became governor of Syria nine years after king Herod's death, was Jesus born during the reign of King Herod or the governorship of Quirinius?
When the women arrived at the tomb of Jesus, was the tomb opened or closed?
Did Judas die by hanging himself or by falling over in a field and having his guts fall out?
Is God the author of confusion?
And the crimes punishable by death in the Bible:
Fortune telling (Leviticus 20:27)
Hitting a parent (Exodus 21:15)
Cursing a parent (Leviticus 20:9)
Not listening to a priest (Deuteronomy 17:12)
Following another religion (Exodus 22:20)
Adultery (Leviticus 20:10)
Not seeking the Lord God of Israel (2 Chronicles 15:12-13)
Fornication (Leviticus 21:9)
Prophesying falsely (Zechariah 13:3)
Who has to kill a false prophet? (Zechariah 13:3)
Homosexuality (Leviticus 20:13)
Blasphemy (Leviticus 24:10-16)
Working on the Sabbath (Exodus 31:12-15)
Having a few people in your town worshiping another god (Deuteronomy 13:13-16)
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/29/2010 11:09:00 AM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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28 April 2010The Lord gave David victory wherever he went
As I mentioned in the last killing, God approved all of David’s killings (except for the matter of Uriah).
David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15:5
He even helped out with most of them. Still, some of the ones from 2 Samuel 8-10 are just too damned boring to deal with separately, so I’m going to lump them together here.
2 Samuel 8 begins by telling us that David somehow found some more Philistines to smite.
It came to pass that David smote the Philistines, and subdued them. 2 Samuel 8:1
Then David smote Hadadezer, the king of Zobah, "taking" 1000 chariots, 700 (or 7000, if you believe the story told in 1 Chronicles 18:3-4) horsemen, and 20,000 foot soldiers. [Since text doesn't say that David killed the 20,700 (or 27,000) soldiers, I’n not counting them in God's killings.]
David smote also Hadadezer ... king of Zobah ... And David took from him a thousand chariots, and seven hundred horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen. 2 Samuel 8:3-4a
David smote Hadarezer king of Zobah ... And David took from him a thousand chariots, and seven thousand horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen. 1 Chronicles 18:3-4
David hamstrung ("houghed" in the KJV) all but 100 of the 1000 horses.
David houghed all the chariot horses, but reserved of them for an hundred chariots. 2 Samuel 8:4b
Then he killed 22,000 Syrians. “And the Lord gave David victory wherever he went.” (NIV)
When the Syrians of Damascus came to succour Hadadezer king of Zobah, David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men … and the Syrians became servants to David, and brought gifts. … And the LORD preserved David whithersoever he went. 2 Samuel 8.5-6
And another 47,000 Syrians (or was it 40,700?).
The Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew the men of seven hundred chariots of the Syrians, and forty thousand horsemen. 2 Samuel 10.18
But the Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew of the Syrians seven thousand men which fought in chariots, and forty thousand footmen. 1 Chronicles 19.8
So I'll give David (and God) credit for 66,850: 1000 Philistines and 65,850 Syrians. (22,000 in the first killing and 43,850 in the second, taking the average of 47,000 and 40,070 from the stories in 2 Samuel 10 and 1 Chronicles 19.
God's next killing: David killed every male in Edom
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/28/2010 04:49:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their bodies over the pool
After Saul’s death, David became king of Judah and Saul’s son, Ishbosheth, king of Israel. Things didn’t go well for poor Ishbosheth, though. First his father and brothers were killed by God. Then his captain, Abner, was killed by David’s captain, Joel. And his army was always fighting a losing battle with David’s. He was about ready to call it quits.
When Saul's son heard that Abner was dead in Hebron, his hands were feeble, and all the Israelites were troubled. 2 Samuel 4.1
After Abner died, Rechab and Baanah became Ishbosheth’s captains.
Saul's son had two men that were captains of bands: the name of the one was Baanah, and the name of the other Rechab. 4.2
One day Rechab and Baanah went to visit Ishbosheth, who was taking a nap at the time.
Rechab and Baanah, went, and came about the heat of the day to the house of Ishbosheth, who lay on a bed at noon. 4.5
They pretended to be picking up some wheat, but they really stopped by to kill him. And they “smote him under the fifth rib” (the preferred place to smite someone in the Bible).
They came thither into the midst of the house, as though they would have fetched wheat; and they smote him under the fifth rib. 4.6
After smiting him, they cut off his head and took it to David.
When they came into the house, he lay on his bed in his bedchamber, and they smote him, and slew him, and beheaded him, and took his head. And they brought the head of Ishbosheth unto David. 4.7-8
They figured David would be pleased, since he and Ishbosheth were enemies. But they were wrong.
David told them about how he killed the Amalekite who killed Saul, even though Saul asked him to since he was mortally wounded. Now he was going to kill them for killing Saul’s son, Ishbosheth.
When one told me, saying, Behold, Saul is dead, thinking to have brought good tidings, I took hold of him, and slew him … How much more, when wicked men have slain a righteous person in his own house upon his bed? 4.10-11
So David had his “young men” kill Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hang their bodies up over the pool in Hebron.
David commanded his young men, and they slew them, and cut off their hands and their feet, and hanged them up over the pool in Hebron. 4.12
Mutilated bodies hanging over pools make such nice decorations!
(We know that God approved of this killing because God approved of all of David’s killings, with the single exception of the matter of Uriah. See 1 Kings 15.5.)
God's next killing: God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/28/2010 09:26:00 AM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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27 April 2010Abraham's war to rescue Lot
Here's one that I forgot to add to God's list.
It's about two of God's favorite people: Abraham and Lot.
God gave Abraham (God called him "Abram" back then) pretty much everything on earth, as far as he could see.
The LORD said unto Abram … Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward … All the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever. Genesis 13:14-15
Lot had lots of stuff, too – too much stuff, in fact, to keep it all separate from Abraham’s.
Lot … had flocks, and herds, and tents. And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great, so that they could not dwell together. Genesis 13:5-6
So Lot decided to move to Sodom.
Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in … Sodom. Genesis 13:12
Soon after Lot got settled in Sodom, a war broke out between the kingdoms of Sodom and Gomorrah and some of the other local kingdoms. The Sodomites were defeated and Lot was taken prisoner.
They took Lot, Abram's brother's son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed. Genesis 14:12
That’s when Abraham got involved. He and 318 of his slaves took off after the anti-Sodomites.
And when Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants, born in his own house, three hundred and eighteen, and pursued them unto Dan. Genesis 14:14
And they “smote” the heck out of them, chasing them all the way to Damascus.
He and his servants … smote them, and pursued them unto Hobah, which is on the left hand of Damascus. Genesis 14:15
Abraham brought back Lot, the women, and the Sodomite stuff.
And he brought back all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot, and his goods, and the women also, and the people. Genesis 14:16
When Abraham returned “from the slaughter,” the king of Sodom went out to greet him, along with Melchizedek, “the priest of the most high God,” who brought some bread and wine.
The king of Sodom went out to meet him after his return from the slaughter … And Melchizedek … brought forth bread and wine: and he was the priest of the most high God. Genesis 14:17-18
(Melchizedek, by the way, had no father or mother, no beginning or end, just like the Son of God.)
Without father, without mother, without descent, having neither beginning of days, nor end of life; but made like unto the Son of God. Hebrews 7:3
And Melchizedek thanked God for helping Abraham slaughter the anti-Sodomites.
Blessed be the most high God, which hath delivered thine enemies into thy hand. Genesis 14:20a
Then Abraham gave Melchizedek a tenth of all the stuff he got in the slaughter.
And he gave him tithes of all. Genesis 14:20b
A nice fee for such a puny prayer.
(I gave this the usual 1000 for a regular God-assisted slaughter.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God's next killing: Sodom and Gomorrah
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/27/2010 08:52:00 AM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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22 April 2010David killed two-thirds of the Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest
How should we treat prisoners of war? Fortunately, as with so many difficult questions, the Bible has the answer!
Bible believers don't need to worry about the Geneva Convention. God tells them directly what to do with their POWs in the Bible. All they have to do is follow David's example.
David ... smote Moab, and measured them with a line, casting them down to the ground; even with two lines measured he to put to death, and with one full line to keep alive. And so the Moabites became David's servants, and brought gifts. 2 Samuel 8:1-2
When it comes to POWS, we know what is right in the eyes of the Lord: kill two-thirds of them and enslave the rest.*
That is the Bible's infallible answer.
(My estimate of 667 is two thirds of the standard Biblical slaughter.)
* How do we know this is right in the eyes of the Lord? Because the Bible tells us so.
David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15.5
God's next killing The Lord gave David victory wherever he went
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/22/2010 03:33:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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The Bible verse that dare not speak its name
Chris Trumbull of Casper, Wyoming has painted a sign on his fence with a verse from the Bible. Here's what it looks like.
This is a verse that believer's never quote -- not even Fred Phelps, Steven Anderson, or Doug Wilson. It's as though it had been removed from the Bible. But it hasn't.
Here is what it says:
If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13
Mr. Trumbull's interpretation is a bit weak, though. Leviticus 20:13 doesn't say: "To be gay = death." It says, "Kill homosexuals."
And not even Chris Trumbull is willing to say that.
It's time for believers to remove the verse that they cannot say out loud -- or just throw the whole damn Bible away.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/22/2010 11:53:00 AM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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What the Bible says about the Tea Party Movement
The Lord knoweth how to ... reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished: But chiefly them that ... despise government.
These ... speak evil of the things that they understand not.
They ... count it pleasure to riot in the day time. Spots they are and blemishes, sporting themselves with their own deceivings.
Beguiling unstable souls ... cursed children. 2 Peter 2:9-14
But then, some people interpret this passage differently.
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/22/2010 10:10:00 AM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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20 April 2010The Morality of David: How to do what is right in the eyes of the Lord
If believers want to know what God thinks is right, they should look at the life of David. He is the gold standard of biblical morality.
How do we know that that? Because it says so in the Bible.
Everything David did "was right in the eyes of the Lord," except for one thing: "the matter of Uriah."
David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15.5
So as long as we stay away from the Uriah affair, we can be absolutely certain that we are doing right in the eyes of the Lord whenever we follow David.
And since there are so many stories about David in the Bible, we can derive an infallible, Bible-based morality from them. That is what God wants us to do. That's why he put those stories in the Bible.
So let's get started.
Here are some of the things that we know are "right in the eyes of the Lord."
It's OK to kill people.
As long as your killing is similar to one of David's, you can be sure that it's perfectly moral and that God will bless it.
But before you start, check the context of David's killings to make sure that yours is OK with God.
Here is a list of 22 killings that David either performed himself or had other people do for him. God approved of every one of them. He even helped out on many. It should be easy to find one to serve as a model for the killing that you have in mind.
David or Elhanan killed Goliath 1Sam 17.51, 2Sam 21.19
David killed 200 Philistines for their foreskins (to buy his first wife) 1Sam 18.27
David slew the Philistines with a great slaughter 1Sam 19.8
The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines 1Sam 23:2-5
David committed genocides for the Philistines 1Sam 27.8-11
David spends the day killing Amalekites 1Sam 30:17
David killed the messenger 2Sam 1.15
David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their dead bodies over the pool 2Sam 4.12
God helps David smite Philistines from the front and the rear 2Sam 5:19-25
David killed 2/3 Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest 2Sam 8.2
David killed 22,000 Syrians 2Sam 8.5
David killed 18,000 Edomites in the Valley of Salt 2Sam 8.13, 1Kg 11.15-16, 1Chr 18.12
David killed 47,000 Syrians 2Sam 10.18, 1Chr 19.18
David's massacre of the Ammonites 2Sam 11.1, 1Chr 20.1
David's army killed 20,000 Israelites 2Sam 18.7
Adino killed 800 at one time with a spear 2Sam 23.8
Eleazar the son of Dodo smote the Philistines with a great slaughter 2Sam 23.9-10, 1Chr 11.12-14
Shammah slew the Philistines 2Sam 23.12
Abishai killed 300 with his spear 2Sam 23.18
Benaiah slew two lion-like men of Moah and a giant Egyptian 2Sam 23.20-21, 1Chr 11.22-23
Solomon carries out the deathbed wish of his father David by having Joab murdered 1Kg 2.29-34
Solomn has Shimei murdered (another of David's death bed wishes) 1Kg 2.44-46
It's OK to decapitate people after you kill them. (1 Samuel 17.51)
You can kill Philistines and Amalekites pretty much whenever you see them. Still, it's a good idea to ask God first. (1Sam 18.27, 19.8, 23:2-5, 30:17; 2Sam 5:19-25, 23.9-10, 23.12)
Moabites, Syrians, Edomites, Ammonites, and Egyptians are generally OK to kill, too. But some restrictions may apply. See your Bible for context, just to be sure. (2Sam 8.2, 8.5, 8.13, 10.18, 11.1)
It's OK to kill up to 200 men for their foreskins to pay for a wife. (1Sam 18.27)
You can have as many wives as you like. No one knows how many David had; no one needs to know how many you have either. (It's nobody's business but God's, and he approves of that sort of thing.) (1 Samuel 18:25-27, 25:39, 25:41-44, 2 Samuel 3:2-5, 5:13, 12:7-8)
Genocide is OK, at least when you are doing it for the Philistines. (1 Samuel 27:8-11)
It's OK to lie, if it will help you out of a difficult situation. (1 Samuel 21:2-8)
Cut off the hands and feet of executed people and hang their dead, mutilated bodies up for everyone to see. They make nice decorations. (2 Samuel 4:12)
Encourage others to kill people with disabilities -- like "the lame and the blind that are hated of David's soul." (2 Samuel 5:8)
A good rule to follow with prisoners of war is this: kill two-thirds of them and enslave the rest. (2 Samuel 8:2-3)
If your concubines have sex with your son in front of God and everybody (because God is punishing you for your adultery), just refuse to have any more sex with them and force them to "keep house" for you for the rest of their lives. (2 Samuel 20:3)
If God sends a famine, you might try killing the sons and grandsons of your predecessor and then hang their dead bodies up to God so that he will stop starving people to death. It worked for David. It should work for you too. (2 Samuel 21:1-9)
When you are old man and can't get any more heat, look around for a young virgin to "lie in your bosom" and "minister" to you so you can get your heat back. (1 Kings 1:1-4)
And when you are dying, be sure to ask your son to murder any enemies that you didn't get a chance to kill. No enemies left behind. That was David's rule; it should be yours, too. (1 Kings 2:1-9)
See how easy that was? It makes you feel sorry for all those atheists who have to actually think about what is right and wrong, doesn't it?
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/20/2010 11:25:00 AM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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14 April 2010God's Top 50 Killings
Here is the list that I put together based on your ratings. Thanks for your help!
(See here for a complete list and estimated total for all of God's killings in the Bible.)
More information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:
Drunk With Blood: God's killings in the Bible
1 God killed every first born Egyptian child Ex 12:29-30
2 God sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of a prophet's bald head 2Kg 2:23-24
3 God killed 14,700 for complaining about his killings Num 16:49
4 The Amalekite genocide 1Sam 15:2-3
5 God killed 70,000 because David had a census that he (or Satan) inspired him to have 2Sam 24:15, 1Chr 21:14
6 God slowly killed David's baby boy to punish David for adultery 2Sam 12:14-18
7 Jephthah sacrifices his daughter to God as a burned offering (to pay him back for helping him slaughter 20 cities) Jg 11:39
8 The Flood of Noah Gen 7:23
9 When the people complained, God burned them to death Num 11:1
10 Sodom and Gomorrah Gen 19:24
11 God killed 50,070 for looking into the ark of the Lord 1Sam 6:19
12 God and Satan kill Job's children in a bet Job 1:18-19
13 The opposing party is buried alive (with their families) Num 16:27
14 Jeroboam's son: God kills another child 1Kg 14:17
15 Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest 1Kg 18.22-40
16 God killed one million Ethiopians 2Chr 14:9-14
17 The Midianite Massacre: Have you saved the women alive? Num 31:1-35
18 Onan for spilling his seed Gen 38:10
19 The massacre of the peaceful, unsuspecting people Jg 18.27
20 Who is on the Lord's side? (Family and friends are forced to kill each other because of Aaron's golden calf) Ex 32:27-28
21 God made Jehoram's bowels fall out 2Chr 21:14-19
22 David killed 200 Philistines for their foreskins (to buy his first wife) 1Sam 18.27
23 Phinehas' double murder stops God's plague (after 14,000 were killed) Num 25:1-11
24 God burns Aaron's sons to death for offering him "strange fire" Lev 10:1-3
25 God sent snakes to bite people for complaining Num 21:6
26 God commands a blasphemer to be stoned to death Lev 24:10-23
27 God burned to death 102 men for asking Elijah to come down from his hill 2Kg 1:10-12
28 Herod was eaten by worms for not giving God the glory Acts 12:23
29 God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet 1Kg 20:35-36
30 God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts 1Sam 5:1-12
31 God sent lions to eat those that don't fear him enough 2Kg 17:25-26
32 An angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers 2Kg 19:34, Is 37:36
33 250 are burned to death for burning incense Num 16:35
34 Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death Jos 7:10-12, 24-26
35 Ananias and Sapphira were killed by God for not giving Peter all their money Acts 5:1-10
36 God kills Ezekiel's wife and tells him not to mourn her death Ezek 24:15-18
37 God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling 2Sam 6:6-7, 1Chr 13:9-10
38 Samson kills 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack Jg 16:27-30
39 Ehud delivers a message from God: A knife blade into a fat man's belly Jg 3:15-22
40 A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day Num 15:32-35
41 Seventy heads in two heaps 2Kg 10:6-10
42 Samson murders 30 men for their clothes Jg 14:19
43 Jehu assembles the followers of Baal and then slaughters them all 2Kg 10.18-25
44 God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff) 1Sam 25:38
45 Samson kills 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass Jg 15:14-15
46 A holy civil war (called by rotting concubine body part messages) Jg 20:35-37
47 Jeroboam's family: God kills a family 1Kg 15:29
48 God stops the sun so Joshua can kill in the daylight Jos 10:10-11
49 Baasha's family and friends: God kills another family 1Kg 16:11-12
50 A tale of two prophets 1Kg 13:11-24
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/14/2010 09:34:00 AM 12 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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10 April 2010Ahaziah (of Judah)
It's hard to keep track of Bible characters. They often have the same name, live at the same time, do pretty much the same things (are evil in the sight of the Lord), and have the same fate (God usually kills them). It will drive you nuts if you're not careful.
Take king Ahaziah, for example.
First of all, there were two of them: Ahaziah of Israel and Ahaziah of Judah. They lived at about the same time (9th century BCE), were evil in the sight of the Lord, and they were both (more of less) killed by God.
I've already told you about Ahaziah of Israel. He was the guy that God killed for asking the wrong god if he would die after God burned to death 102 messengers for asking Elijah to come down from his hill so that Ahaziah could ask Elijah to ask God if he was going to die (even though he'd already been told God was going to kill him for asking the wrong god).
But this story is not about him. It's about the other Ahaziah, king Ahaziah of Judah.
There are a couple things to keep in mind about him.
1. Ahaziah of Judah had an alias: Jehoahaz (2 Chronicles 21:17, 25:23).
2. And he is the only person in the Bible (or anywhere else as far as I know) who was older than his own father. Here's how we know that.
Ahaziah of Judah began to reign when he was 42 years old after God killed his father Jehoram (by making his bowels fall out).
Ahaziah the son of Jehoram king of Judah reigned. Forty and two years old was Ahaziah when he began to reign. 2 Chronicles 22:1-2
And his father's bowels fell out (with a little help from God) when he was 40 years old.
The LORD smote him [Jehoram] in his bowels with an incurable disease. And it came to pass ... his bowels fell out by reason of his sickness ... Thirty and two years old was he when he began to reign, and he reigned in Jerusalem eight years. 2 Chronicles 21:18-20
(2 Kings 8:26 says that Ahaziah was 22 years old when he began to reign, which means that he was both 22 and 42 years old when God made his dad's bowels fall out -- and that's almost as cool as being older than your father.)
Okay, but how did Ahaziah of Judah die?
For that we have to go back to the Jehu chronicles. You remember Jehu, don't you? The guy who madly drove around in his chariot killing people for God? Yeah, well, Ahaziah was on his list.
Jehu's first victim was Ahab's son, Jehoram, the king of Israel. (God wanted him killed since his father, Ahab, didn't kill a captured king.)
But Ahaziah was with Jehoram at the time and was pursued and wounded by Jehu. Ahaziah fled to Megiddo and died there.
When Ahaziah the king of Judah saw this, he fled by the way of the garden house. And Jehu followed after him, and said, Smite him also in the chariot. And they did so ... And he fled to Megiddo, and died there. 2 Kings 9:27
Since I couldn't tell from this story whether or not Ahaziah died from the wound or later from natural causes, I left it off the list of God's killings.
But then I read the story in 2 Chronicles.
And Azariah the son of Jehoram king of Judah went down to see Jehoram the son of Ahab at Jezreel, because he was sick. And the destruction of Ahaziah was of God by coming to Joram [Jehoram]: for when he was come, he went out with Jehoram against Jehu the son of Nimshi, whom the LORD had anointed to cut off the house of Ahab. And it came to pass, that, when Jehu was executing judgment upon the house of Ahab, and found the princes of Judah, and the sons of the brethren of Ahaziah, that ministered to Ahaziah, he slew them. And he sought Ahaziah: and they caught him, (for he was hid in Samaria,) and brought him to Jehu: and when they had slain him, they buried him. 2 Chronicles 22:6-9
According to this story, Jehu killed Ahaziah while he was hiding out in Samaria. "And the destruction of Ahaziah was of God."
So I don't know who to believe. Did Ahaziah die in Meggido or in Samaria?
I'm not sure. But I'm going to stick my neck out here and say that God approved of his killing, however and wherever he might have died. For "the destruction of Ahaziah was of God."
God's next killing: Joash, the princes, and army of Judah
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/10/2010 09:47:00 AM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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07 April 201042,000 killed for failing the "Shibboleth" test
After Jephthah finished killing and burning his daughter for God (51) to pay God back for helping him slaughter twenty Ammonite cities (50), he ran into some Ephraimites who were angry about being left out of the Ammonite slaughter.
The men of Ephraim gathered themselves together, and went northward, and said unto Jephthah, Wherefore passedst thou over to fight against the children of Ammon, and didst not call us to go with thee? Judges 12.1a
They were so pissed off about the whole thing that they threatened to burn down Jephthah’s house.
We will burn thine house upon thee with fire. 12.1b
Jephthah claimed that he invited them to join him in the God-assisted slaughter, but they didn’t come.
Jephthah said unto them, I and my people were at great strife with the children of Ammon; and when I called you, ye delivered me not … and the LORD delivered them into my hand. 12.2-3
Clearly, there was only one thing for Jephthah to do: call for a holy civil war.
Then Jephthah gathered together all the men of Gilead, and fought with Ephraim. 12.4a
So that’s what he did, and the men from Gilead defeated the Ephraimites.
And the men of Gilead smote Ephraim. 12.4b
After the battle, Jephthah posted guards at the Jordan River where the fleeing Ephraimites would have to cross.
The Gileadites took the passages of Jordan before the Ephraimites. 12.5a
When an escaping Ephraimite would come to the crossing, the Gileadites would ask him if he was an Ephraimite. If he said, “no”, they’d ask him to say “Shibboleth.” (Ephraimites couldn’t pronounce it correctly. It was like asking George Bush or Sarah Palin to say “nuclear.”)
When those Ephraimites which were escaped said, Let me go over; that the men of Gilead said unto him, Art thou an Ephraimite? If he said, Nay; Then said they unto him, Say now Shibboleth: and he said Sibboleth: for he could not frame to pronounce it right. 12.5b-6a
Then when the Ephraimite mispronounced Shibboleth by saying Sibboleth, they’d kill him.
Then they took him, and slew him at the passages of Jordan. 12.6b
And the Shibboleth test worked like a charm. 42,000 Ephraimites failed the test and were killed trying to cross the Jordan.
And there fell at that time of the Ephraimites forty and two thousand. 12.6c
And they deserved it, too, for not participating in the slaughter of the Ammonites, threatening to burn down Jephthah's house, failing to pronounce "Shibboleth" correctly, or whatever.
(Note: Jephthah is one of the heroes of God in Hebrews 11, so we can be pretty sure that God approved of the whole "Shibboleth" test / holy civil war massacre.)
God's next killing: Samson murders 30 men for their clothes
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/07/2010 12:32:00 PM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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02 April 2010A List of God-Approved Killings in the Bible
This is a list of the God-approved killings in the Bible. It does not include the killings that God performed himself or those in which he took an active role. (See here for a complete list of those killings.)
I've already posted about some of the killings (see links in the table), and I'll be adding more later to explain how we know that God approved of these killings. Eventually, I'll combine the lists to show all of God's killings, those that he approved of and those that he did himself. Killing Event Scriptural reference Biblical number Estimate
1 Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad Jg 3.31 600 600
2 42,000 killed for failing the "shibboleth" test Jg 12.4-7, Heb 11.32 42,000 42,000
3 The massacre of the peaceful, unsuspecting people Jg 18.27 - 1,000
4 The End of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins Jg 21.10-14 - 10,000
5 34,000 Israelites killed so that God could kill Eli's sons 1Sam 4.2-11 34,000 34,000
6 David or Elhanan killed Goliath 1Sam 17.51, 2Sam 21.19 1 1
7 David killed 200 Philistines for their foreskins (to buy his first wife) 1Sam 18.27 200 200
8 David slew the Philistines with a great slaughter 1Sam 19.8 - 10,000
9 David commited genocides for the Philistines 1Sam 27.8-11 - 50,000
10 David killed the messenger 2Sam 1.15 1 1
11 David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung up their dead bodies 2Sam 4.12 2 2
12 David killed 2/3 Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest 2Sam 8.2 667
13 David killed 22,000 Syrians 2Sam 8.5 22,000 22,000
14 David killed 18,000 Edomites in the Valley of Salt 2Sam 8.13, 1Kg 11.15-16, 1Chr 18.12 18,000 18,000
15 David killed 47,000 Syrians 2Sam 10.18, 1Chr 19.18 47,000 47,000
16 David's massacre of the Ammonites 2Sam 11.1, 1Chr 20.1 - 1,000
17 David's army killed 20,000 Israelites 2Sam 18.7 20,000 20,000
18 Adino killed 800 at one time with a spear 2Sam 23.8 800 800
19 Eleazar the son of Dodo smote the Philistines with a great slaughter 2Sam 23.9-10, 1Chr 11.12-14 - 1,000
20 Shammah slew the Philistines 2Sam 23.12 - 1,000
21 Abishai killed 300 with his spear 2Sam 23.18 300 300
22 Benaiah slew two lion-like men of Moah and a giant Egyptian 2Sam 23.20-21, 1Chr 11.22-23 3 3
23 Solomon carries out the deathbed wish of his father David by having Joab murdered 1Kg 2.29-34 1 1
24 Solomn has Shimei murdered (another of David's death bed wishes) 1Kg 2.44-46 1 1
25 Zimri burns to death 1Kg 16.18-19 1 1
26 Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest 1Kg 18.22-40 450 450
27 A skeptic is trampled to death 2Kg 7.2-20 1 1
28 Jehu killed Ahaziah's family 2Kg 10.12-13, 2Chr 22.7-9 42 42
29 Jehu assembles the followers of Baal and then slaughters them all 2Kg 10.18-25 - 1,000
30 Jehoiada killed Mattan the priest of Baal 2Kg 11.17-18 1 1
31 Athaliah 2Kg 11.20 1 1
32 Amaziah slew 10,000 Edomites 2Kg 14.7, 2Chr 25.11 10,000 10,000
33 Josiah killed all the priests of the high places 2Kg 23.20 - 100
34 Jashobeam killed 300 at one time with his spear 1Chr 11.11 300 300
35 Ahaziah of Judah 2Chr 22.7-9 1 1
36 Amaziah killed the people that killed his father 2Chr 25.3 - 10
37 Amaziah killed 10,000 Edomites 2Chr 25.11 10,000 10,000
38 Amaziah pushed 10,000 men off a cliff 2Chr 25.12 10,000 10,000
39 Amaziah 2Chr 25.27 1 1
40 Uzziah's wars 2Chr 26.3-7 - 3,000
41 Jotham's war with the Ammonites 2Chr 27.1-5 - 1,000
42 Esther hangs Haman and his ten sons Est 7.6-10 11 11
43 The Jews killed those who wanted to kill them Est 9.9-16 75,800 75,800
Total 291,518 371,295
Posted by Steve Wells at 4/02/2010 09:33:00 AM 26 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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24 May 2010Drunk With Blood: It's one of God's favorite expressions
I titled my list of God's killings "Drunk with Blood" for a reason. I think the phrase describes the God of the Bible perfectly.
It's also one of God's favorite expressions. The phrase "drunk with blood" (or variants of it) is used five times in the Bible.
God first uses it to describe himself: his arrows are drunk with blood.
I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32.42
Now I know that God doesn’t mean this literally. God’s arrows don’t have mouths; they don’t drink blood and they’ve never been drunk on anything. His sword doesn’t eat flesh either. God is being metaphorical here.
Still, God is trying to make a point. He’s saying that he kills people. Lots and lots of people. 2,476,633 if you don't try to estimate the number, 24,644,205 if you do.
The next use of "drunk with blood" is similar. God’s sword is drunk with blood, too, just like his arrows.
This is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46.10
But God’s sword is not just drunk with blood, it's also filled and bathed with blood in heaven. (Who knew God would have a bloody sword in heaven?)
My sword shall be bathed in heaven. Isaiah 34.5
The sword of the LORD is filled with blood. Isaiah 34.6
And he's dying to use it on pretty much everyone on earth.
By his sword will the LORD plead with all flesh: and the slain of the LORD shall be many. Isaiah 66.16
The sword of the LORD shall devour from the one end of the land even to the other end of the land: no flesh shall have peace. Jeremiah 12.12
I … will draw forth my sword out of his sheath, and will cut off from thee the righteous and the wicked. Ezekiel 21.3
My sword go forth out of his sheath against all flesh. Ezekiel 21.4
I will bring a sword upon thee, and cut off man and beast out of thee. Ezekiel 29.8
I shall brandish my sword before them; and they shall tremble at every moment, every man for his own life. Ezekiel 32.10
Your young men have I slain with the sword … and I have made the stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils. Amos 4.10
I [Jesus] will … fight against them with the sword of my mouth. Revelation 2.16
Another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword. Revelation 6.4
God is as strong as a unicorn. (Heck, I bet he's even stronger than a unicorn.) He’ll break your bones and pierce your body with arrows.
God ... hath ... the strength of an unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows. Numbers 24.8
I will spend mine arrows upon them. Deuteronomy 32.23
God is angry with people every day. His sword is wet and his bow is bent. He has prepared all the instruments of death.
God is angry with the wicked every day … he will whet his sword; he hath bent his bow, and made it ready. He hath also prepared for him the instruments of death. Psalm 7.11-13
Even his clothes are sprinkled with the blood of his victims. (I don’t know whether his clothes are really dripping with blood in heaven. I don’t even know if he wears clothes. I’m just telling you what the Bible says.)
I will tread them in mine anger, and trample them in my fury; and their blood shall be sprinkled upon my garments, and I will stain all my raiment. Isaiah 63.3
But God’s sword and arrows won’t be the only things drunk with blood. God also plans to force people (before he kills them) to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.
I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49.26
I’m not sure how much of this is metaphor. God often talks about forcing people to eat other people. That part, at least, is literal. Here are a few examples.
Forcing people to eat themselves.
And he shall snatch on the right hand, and be hungry; and he shall eat on the left hand, and they shall not be satisfied: they shall eat every man the flesh of his own arm. Isaiah 9.20
Forcing parents to eat their children and friends to eat each other.
Ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26.29
Thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters. Deuteronomy 28.53
The tender and delicate woman among you, which would not adventure to set the sole of her foot upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, her eye shall be evil toward the husband of her bosom, and toward her son, and toward her daughter, And toward her young one that cometh out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear: for she shall eat them. Deuteronomy 28.56-57
I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19.9 The hands of the pitiful women have sodden their own children: they were their meat. Lamentations 4.10
The fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5.10
Let the rest eat every one the flesh of another. Zechariah 11.9
So while it is true that part of God’s plan for humanity is forcing people to eat each other, he was probably just getting carried away with his own metaphor when he said they’d get drunk on their own blood.
Oh, one more thing that believers should know. God wants them to keep their swords bloody, too. He’ll curse (and probably kill) anyone whose sword isn’t dripping with blood.
Cursed be he that doeth the work of the LORD deceitfully, and cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood. Jeremiah 48.10
Every man's sword shall be against his brother. Ezekiel 38.21
After God kills people, he will feed their bodies to the birds and beasts until they, too, become drunk with blood.
Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field, Assemble yourselves, and come; gather yourselves on every side to my sacrifice that I do sacrifice for you, even a great sacrifice upon the mountains of Israel, that ye may eat flesh, and drink blood. Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth … And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. Ezekiel 39.17-19
God talks a lot about feeding dead people to birds and animals. Here are some examples.
Thy carcase shall be meat unto all fowls of the air, and unto the beasts of the earth, and no man shall fray them away. Deuteronomy 28.26
The carcases of this people shall be meat for the fowls of the heaven, and for the beasts of the earth; and none shall fray them away. Jeremiah 7.33
Come ye, assemble all the beasts of the field, come to devour. Jeremiah 12.9
Their carcases shall be meat for the fowls of heaven, and for the beasts of the earth. Jeremiah 16.4
Their carcases will I give to be meat for the fowls of the heaven, and for the beasts of the earth. Jeremiah 19.7
Their dead bodies shall be for meat unto the fowls of the heaven, and to the beasts of the earth. Jeremiah 34.20
I have given thee for meat to the beasts of the field and to the fowls of the heaven. Ezekiel 29.5
I will cast thee forth upon the open field, and will cause all the fowls of the heaven to remain upon thee, and I will fill the beasts of the whole earth with thee. Ezekiel 32.4
I will give thee unto the ravenous birds of every sort, and to the beasts of the field to be devoured. Ezekiel 39.4
Thou hast given them blood to drink; for they are worthy. Revelation 16.6
Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God. … And all the fowls were filled with their flesh. Revelation 19.17-21
Someday believers will get into the act, too. Heck, they’re even going to get to drink the blood of God’s victims after they wash their feet in it.
The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked. Psalm 58.10
God shall wound the head of his enemies … that thy foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Psalm 68.21-23
The people shall rise up as a great lion, and lift up himself as a young lion: he shall not lie down until he eat of the prey, and drink the blood of the slain. Numbers 23.24
And believers must drink the blood of Jesus if they want to get to heaven.
Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. John 6:53-54
And finally, the great whore of Babylon will be drunk with the blood of the saints and martyrs.
I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration. Revelation 17.6
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/24/2010 08:12:00 AM 48 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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21 May 2010How many more will God kill?
(Revised to include new totals and more extensive analysis.)
In a previous post, I tried to count the number of people killed by God in the Bible. I came up with 2,476,633, if God's many unnumbered killings, such as Noah's flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, etc., are excluded; and 24,644,205, if estimates are used.
But what about God's future plans? Does the Bible tell us anything about that?
Well, yes it does. But it’s hard to take any of it seriously, especially if you’re a believer.
Take the great winepress of the wrath of God, for example. You know, the one featured in the Battle Hymn of the Republic.
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord:
He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored;
He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword:
His truth is marching on.
The story is told in the 14th chapter of the book of Revelation, which begins with Jesus (or “someone like unto the Son of man”) sitting on a white cloud with a gold crown on his head and a sharp sickle in his hand.
I looked, and behold a white cloud, and upon the cloud one sat like unto the Son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle. Revelation 14:14
Then an angel stops by to tell Jesus that it’s time to start swinging his sickle.
Thrust in thy sickle, and reap: for the time is come for thee to reap; for the harvest of the earth is ripe. Revelation 14:15
So Jesus thrusts his sickle on the earth, while still sitting on his cloud.
He that sat on the cloud thrust in his sickle on the earth; and the earth was reaped. Revelation 14:16
Another angel came out of the temple in heaven and joined Jesus on his cloud. He also has his sharp sickle with him, and together they begin to reap the harvest on earth.
Another angel came out of the temple which is in heaven, he also having a sharp sickle. Revelation 14:17
They swing their sickles and pour the resulting blood into a huge winepress. There is so much blood that it flows out of the winepress and covers the ground up to the horses’ bridles in a space of 1600 furlongs.
The winepress was trodden without the city, and blood came out of the winepress, even unto the horse bridles, by the space of a thousand and six hundred furlongs. Revelation 14:20
And from that we can estimate how many people will be killed by Jesus and his angel sidekick.
It’s a simple calculation. A furlong is 202 meters, so 1600 furlongs is about 320 kilometers, and a horse's bridle is 1.5 m high or so. If we take the winepress to be circular with a diameter of 320 kilometers, then the total volume is 1.2 x 1014 liters. And since an adult has about 5 liters of blood, that gives us 2.4 x 1013 (24 trillion) people.
Which could be a problem, even for God. Where will he find so many people to kill? His winepress requires nearly 4,000 times the number of people on earth.
Does this mean that Armageddon won’t occur until the human population reaches 24 trillion? Perhaps.
Or maybe God will just create more people when the time comes just to kill them.
Or it could just be hyperbole. God doesn’t really plan on killing trillions of people; he’s just trying to scare the shit out of everyone.
I’ll leave it for the believers to figure out.
But there are many other verses that say similar (batshit crazy) things in the Bible, and they’re not all in Revelation either.
God will kill so many people that the land will be soaked, the rivers flooded, and the mountains melted in blood. The ground will be covered with dead bodies, which will stink to high heaven. The whole earth will be destroyed. So I guess that means that everybody on earth will be killed by God.
Here are the verses.
Their slain also shall be cast out, and their stink shall come up out of their carcases, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood. Isaiah 34:3
The unicorns shall come down with them … and their land shall be soaked with blood. Isaiah 34:7
The slain of the LORD shall be at that day from one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth: they shall not be lamented, neither gathered, nor buried; they shall be dung upon the ground. Jeremiah 25:33
I will also water with thy blood the land … even to the mountains; and the rivers shall be full of thee. Ezekiel 32:6
I will fill his mountains with his slain men: in thy hills, and in thy valleys, and in all thy rivers, shall they fall that are slain with the sword. Ezekiel 35:8
Saith the Lord GOD: there shall be many dead bodies in every place. Amos 8:3
I will slay the last of them with the sword. Amos 9.1
I command the sword, and it shall slay them: and I will set mine eyes upon them for evil, and not for good. Amos 9.4
There is a multitude of slain, and a great number of carcases; and there is none end of their corpses; they stumble upon their corpses. Nahum 3:3
I will utterly consume all things from off the land, saith the LORD. Zephaniah 1:2
I will bring distress upon men … their blood shall be poured out as dust, and their flesh as the dung. Zephaniah 1:17
The earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy. Zephaniah 3.8 I will kill her children with death. Revelation 2:23
The third part of the sea became blood. Revelation 8:8
They … shall see their dead bodies three days and an half, and shall not suffer their dead bodies to be put in graves. Revelation 11:8
Still, I suspect that in many of these verses God is exaggerating. Sure, he’s planning to kill lots of people, but not everyone. The land won’t be entirely covered with dead bodies and the mountaintops won’t drown in blood. So I’m not going to estimate the number that God plans to kill from these verses. I’ll wait until God sobers up a bit to do my counting.
So we’re back where we started. How many does God plan to kill in the “end times” that believers hope and pray will come soon?
Well, the Bible tells us how many will be saved, which implies, I guess, that everyone else will be killed.
I heard the number of them which were sealed: and there were sealed an hundred and forty and four thousand of all the tribes of the children of Israel. Revelation 7:4
…the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth. These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. Revelation 14.3-4
So if the “end times” happened today, only 144,000 Jewish male virgins would survive. The rest of the 6.8 billion would be killed by God (and then be tormented forever in hell).
Most believers don’t believe this of course. (The Jehovah’s Witnesses are a notable exception.) They say the 144,000 Jewish male virgins is symbolic or something. They just don’t know what it's symbolic of.
Are you ready to give up yet? I’m not.
There’s one other way to get an estimate, but I must warn you. It, too, is from Revelation.
Here are the verses.
I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth. Revelation 6:8
And the four angels were loosed, which were prepared for an hour, and a day, and a month, and a year, for to slay the third part of men. And the number of the army of the horsemen were two hundred thousand thousand ... By these three was the third part of men killed, by the fire, and by the smoke, and by the brimstone, which issued out of their mouths. Revelation 9.15-18
OK, let's count them up. 1/4 will be killed by Death and Hell (per Rev 6:8). That leaves 3/4 alive, 1/3 of which will be burned to death by the 200 million fire and brimstone breathing horsemen of Rev 9.15-18. Since 1/3 of 3/4 is 1/4, half the human population will be killed in these two slaughters.
Assuming that the rapture (or whatever) is soon (and it's always coming soon), and that the earth's population will be about what it is today, 6.8 billion, then God will soon kill 3,400,000,000.
So what is our final answer?
Well, we have a lower and upper bound. God will kill at least 3.4 billion and perhaps as many as 24 trillion (if he’s going to get his bloody winepress filled).
So let's call it 3.4 billion.
Oh, and what about Satan?
He has no plans for killing any more people (at least there are none recorded in the Bible or that he has told me about). God 3,400,000,000
Satan 0
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/21/2010 11:52:00 AM 36 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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19 May 2010It's Draw Muhammad Day!
Since I'm not much of an artist, I thought I'd post this video from the Amazing Atheist. I think he's really captured the essence of Muhammad (peanut butter and jelly be upon him) in his drawing.
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/19/2010 09:54:00 PM 71 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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13 May 2010The sword of the Lord is filled with blood
Okay, I don't know how that's possible. How can a sword be filled with blood?
But maybe it's just a metaphor. Maybe God doesn't even have a sword, and non-existent swords are rarely filled with blood. To find out, let's look at the context. Context, believers like to say, covers a multitude of sins.
The title quote comes from Isaiah, chapter 34. Let's start from verse 1.
Come near, ye nations, to hear; and hearken, ye people: let the earth hear, and all that is therein; the world, and all things that come forth of it. Isaiah 34:1
So God is speaking here to the whole world about important stuff, things that really matter. "Let the earth hear, and all that is therein."
In the next verse, God starts to deliver his message. He is angry at all nations and all people. He has delivered them all to be slaughtered.
For the indignation of the LORD is upon all nations, and his fury upon all their armies: he hath utterly destroyed them, he hath delivered them to the slaughter. Isaiah 34:2
Now God gets into the gory details. He is going to kill so many people that land will stink from the rotting bodies and the mountains will be melted from all the blood.
Their slain also shall be cast out, and their stink shall come up out of their carcases, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood. Isaiah 34:3
Next we're told that the stars will fall from the sky like figs from a fig tree.
And all the host of heaven shall be dissolved, and the heavens shall be rolled together as a scroll: and all their host shall fall down, as the leaf falleth off from the vine, and as a falling fig from the fig tree. Isaiah 34:4
Verse five tells us this interesting fact: God's sword is bathed in heaven.
For my sword shall be bathed in heaven: behold, it shall come down upon Idumea, and upon the people of my curse, to judgment. Isaiah 34:5
So we know that God has a sword in heaven and that is is bathed in something. Context tells us what that something is. It's blood.
God has a bloody sword in heaven. He carries it around with him all the time.
But the second part of verse 5 is a bit confusing. God's bloody sword is going to come down on Idumea and upon people that he curses.
Luckily I've got my Quest Study Bible (QSB) with me. It explains everything.
Who was Edom? (34:5)
Although this was a specific nation, here it symbolizes all the enemies of God and his people. Quest Study Bible, p. 1027
(The NIV has "Edom" for "Idumea" in the KJV.)
So, as the QSB explains, God's bloody sword is going to come down from heaven on God and Sarah Palin's enemies.
Now, let's go on to verse 6, which includes the title quote for this post.
The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea. Isaiah 34:6
"The sword of the Lord is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness." It has blood from the kidney fat of lambs, goats, rams, and humans.
Then God tells us about unicorns. The land of the unicorns will be soaked with blood and fat. I guess it's good to know that.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. Isaiah 34:7
So there you have it. God has a blood-filled sword in heaven that he uses to kill animals and people. The ground will stink with dead bodies, the mountains will melt with blood, all the stars will fall from the sky, and the land of the unicorns will be soaked in blood and fat.
Or it could all just be a metaphor that means God is love, or something like that.
Yeah, that's probably it.
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/13/2010 11:49:00 AM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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12 May 2010What do God, his victims, the animals that eat their dead bodies, and the Great Whore of Babylon all have in common?
They were, are, or will forever be drunk with blood.
The phrase “drunk with blood” (or variants of it) is used five times in the Bible. Let's take a look at them.
First of all, God used it to describe himself: his arrows are drunk with blood.
I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32:42
His sword is drunk with blood, too, just like his arrows.
This is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46:10
And God will force people (before he kills them) to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.
I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49:26
Then God will feed his victims’ bodies to the birds and beasts until they too become drunk with blood.
Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field, Assemble yourselves, and come; gather yourselves on every side to my sacrifice that I do sacrifice for you … that ye may eat flesh, and drink blood. … And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. Ezekiel 39.17-19
And finally, the Great Whore of Babylon will be drunk with the blood of the saints and martyrs.
And upon her forehead was a name written, MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH. And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration. Revelation 17.5-6
So in the end, pretty much everyone will be drunk with blood: God, the people that he kills, the birds and beasts that eat their dead bodies, and the Great Whore of Babylon. It will be just one big, bloody, drunken party. I bet you can’t wait to be there!
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/12/2010 02:46:00 PM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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03 May 2010Are you ready for the rapture?
Here's a simple test to see if you are rapture-ready.
Do you hate your life?
The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. John 12:25
Do you hate your family?
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. -- Luke 14:26
Do other people hate you?
Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you from their company, and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man's sake. Rejoice ye in that day, and leap for joy: for, behold, your reward is great in heaven. -- Luke 6:22-23
Do you hate them back?
Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? ... I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies. -- Psalm 139:21-22
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/03/2010 11:41:00 AM 59 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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02 May 2010What to do with an unfaithful wife: The Bible vs. the Quran
Both holy books have specific instructions for a husband that suspects his wife has been unfaithful. Since over half of the world believes in one or the other, I thought it would be good to compare them here.
The Bible's instructions are in Numbers 5.
The first thing to notice about them is that these instructions are from God. It's not just Moses telling the people what to do; it's God.
The LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, If any man's wife go aside, and commit a trespass against him, And a man lie with her carnally, and it be hid from the eyes of her husband ... and she be defiled, and there be no witness against her. Numbers 5:11-13
And notice, too, that the husband has no evidence here, only suspicion and jealousy. He didn't see his wife with another man and no one else did either.
So what does God tell the jealous husband to do?
Take her to a priest who will force her to drink some "bitter water."
Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest ... And the priest shall ... set her before the LORD ... And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water. Numbers 5:15-24
If she is guilty, the bitter water will "make her thigh rot and her belly swell," and she will "become a curse among her people."
When he hath made her to drink the water, then ... if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, ... her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people. Numbers 5:27
But if the woman is innocent, then the bitter water won't cause her belly to swell and her thigh to rot, and she'll get pregnant. (Apparently, the swollen belly and the rotted thigh was God's way of giving an unfaithful wife an abortion -- or worse.)
If the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed. Numbers 5:28
In any case, whether she passes or fails the bitter water, belly swelling, thigh rotting, holy abortion test, the husband is completely blameless. But "the woman shall bear her iniquity."
Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity. Numbers 5:31
OK. That's it. That's what God says a man should do if he suspects that his wife has been unfaithful.
Boy, that's going to be hard to beat! But let's see what the Quran says about it.
Luckily, the Quran deals with the same situation: a man who suspects that his wife has been unfaithful. Except that here the husband claims to be a witness of his wife's infidelity.
For those who accuse their wives but have no witnesses except themselves... Quran 24:6a
Now you might think that would be enough to prove the wife's adultery, but it isn't, becaue just two verses ago, the Quran says that four witnesses are required to convict a wife of adultery.
Those who accuse honourable women but bring not four witnesses, scourge them (with) eighty stripes and never (afterward) accept their testimony - They indeed are evil-doers. Quran 24:4
So what's a husband to do in this case? Well, Allah has that all figured out. The husband can just swear that it's true four separate times and that way he can serve as four separate witnesses.
For those who accuse their wives but have no witnesses except themselves let the testimony of one of them be four testimonies, (swearing) by Allah that he is of those who speak the truth. Quran 24:6
How cool is that?
Oh and then, swear one more time, just to make it all official llke. And this time ask Allah to curse you if you are lying. That ought to do it. (It's sort of like saying, "Cross my heart and hope to die" when swearing. No one would lie doing that!)
And yet a fifth, invoking the curse of Allah on him if he is of those who lie. Quran 24:7
So now there are five witnesses and we can get on with the punishment.
The woman can appeal the case, though, by swearing five times that she is innocent.
And it shall avert the punishment from her if she bear witness before Allah four times that the thing he saith is indeed false, And a fifth (time) that the wrath of Allah be upon her if he speaketh truth. Quran 24:8-9
I don't know what happens then. What do you do when you have two people that cross their hearts and hope to die on opposite sides of the same case? The Quran doesn't say and I don't think the Supreme Court has ever had a case like that.
So that's what the Bible and the Quran say a husband should do with an unfaithful wife.
Which procedure do you think is the best?
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/02/2010 08:00:00 PM 35 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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01 May 2010Thus did David unto all the children of Ammon
I’m not sure what “thus” was, but it whatever it was, it wasn’t very nice.
First David sent Joab “and all Israel,” and “they destroyed the children of Ammon” and besieged the city of Rabbah.
And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah. 2 Samuel 11.1
Joab led forth the power of the army, and wasted the country of the children of Ammon, and came and besieged Rabbah. But David tarried at Jerusalem. And Joab smote Rabbah, and destroyed it. 1 Chronicles 20.1
Then he went to Rabbah and put a gold crown on his head that weighted 1 talent (about 30 kilograms).
David …went to Rabbah and … took their king's crown from off his head, the weight whereof was a talent of gold with the precious stones: and it was set on David's head. And he brought forth the spoil of the city in great abundance. 2 Samuel 12.30
And finally he did this to “all the cities of the children of Ammon”:
He brought forth the people that were therein, and put them under saws, and under harrows of iron, and under axes of iron, and made them pass through the brick-kiln: and thus did he unto all the cities of the children of Ammon. 2 Samuel 12.31
David’s treatment of the Ammonites is stated a bit more clearly in the 1 Chronicles version of this story.
He brought out the people that were in it, and cut them with saws, and with harrows of iron, and with axes. Even so dealt David with all the cities of the children of Ammon. 1 Chronicles 20.3
Neither story says how many Ammonites were killed. I’ll guess 1000.
(We know that God approved of this killing because God approved of all of David’s killings, with the single exception of the matter of Uriah. See 1 Kings 15.5.)
God's next killing: God slowly kills a baby
Posted by Steve Wells at 5/01/2010 09:38:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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29 June 2010Surah 2: 35-74 -- Allah turns Jews into apes and solves a murder mystery with a dead yellow cow
Last time we learned that Iblis (pbuh) became the first disbeliever by refusing to worship Adam.
We said unto the angels: Prostrate yourselves before Adam, they fell prostrate, all save Iblis. 2:34
From that quote, I got the impression that Iblis was an angel, but I was told in the comments that that is incorrect. Iblis is not an angel; he's a jinn. Which is a different thing entirely. (A jinn is a creature made from fire that has free will. Angels are messengers of Allah that have no free will. Elves are small semi-divine beings with pointy ears.)
Still, I'm not convinced. Sometimes Iblis is called an angel in the Quran, and sometimes a jinn. And sometimes he seems to be both angel and jinn. (Is Iblis an angel or a jinn?)
But on with our story, such as it is.
Verses 35-38 repeat the Bible's story about Adam and the Garden of Eden (though the Quran doesn't call it that), with the talking serpent replaced by Satan.
Then Allah throws out his favorite line, where he tells us what he has planned for disbelievers. It's almost as common in the Quran as "And it came to pass" is in the Book of Mormon.
But they who disbelieve, and deny Our revelations, such are rightful Peoples of the Fire. They will abide therein. 2:39
A few verses later Allah says something good (the first good thing in the Quran). Don't hide the truth with falsehood.
Confound not truth with falsehood, nor knowingly conceal the truth.2:42
Then Allah gets back to hiding truth with falsehood.
But first he warns you about a time when he will refuse all prayers and help no one.
Guard yourselves against a day when no soul will in aught avail another, nor will intercession be accepted from it, nor will compensation be received from it, nor will they be helped. 2:48
Then, in verses 59-63, Allah repeats more nonsense from the Bible. Remember how he drowned the Egyptians, gave Moses the Law, and whatnot? How you worshiped the calf?
And how Allah told you to kill yourself?
And when Moses said unto his people: O my people! Ye have wronged yourselves by your choosing of the calf (for worship) so turn in penitence to your Creator, and kill (the guilty) yourselves. 2:54a
(See Who is on the Lord's side? for the Bible story that this is based upon.)
Yeah well, Allah did that because killing yourself would be "best for you." Allah is Relenting, Merciful, Retarded.
That will be best for you with your Creator and He will relent toward you. Lo! He is the Relenting, the Merciful. 2:54b
As you read the Quran you'll notice that many of the Bible's stupidest stories are made even stupider in the Quran. Take Exodus 17:1-6 for example. In the Bible, Moses strikes a rock and water comes out for the Israelites to drink. In the Quran, the same thing happens but there are twelve springs that come out of the rock, one for each tribe of Israel.
When Moses asked for water for his people, We said: Smite with thy staff the rock. And there gushed out therefrom twelve springs (so that) each tribe knew their drinking-place. 2:60
2:62 is often quoted to show that the Quran is tolerant of other religions.
Those who believe (in that which is revealed unto thee, Muhammad), and those who are Jews, and Christians, and Sabaeans - whoever believeth in Allah and the Last Day and doeth right - surely their reward is with their Lord, and there shall no fear come upon them neither shall they grieve. 2:62
But this verse is far from clear (Must you believe in Allah, whatever was revealed to Muhammad, and the Last Day to avoid hell?) and it contradicts other verses.
And now we finally get to the fun stuff.
First Allah brags about turning Jewish Sabbath-breakers into "despised and hated" apes.
Ye know of those of you who broke the Sabbath, how We said unto them: Be ye apes, despised and hated! 2:65
Then he tells the Jews to sacrifice a bright yellow cow.
Allah commandeth you that ye sacrifice a cow, they said: Dost thou make game of us? He answered: Allah forbid that I should be among the foolish! ... They said: Pray for us unto thy Lord that He make clear to us what (cow) she is. ... Pray for us unto thy Lord that He make clear to us of what colour she is. (Moses) answered: Lo! He saith: Verily she is a yellow cow. Bright is her colour, gladdening beholders. 2:67-69
But they weren't sure what cow to kill. All cows pretty much look alike to Jews.
They said: Pray for us unto thy Lord that He make clear to us what (cow) she is. Lo! cows are much alike to us; and Lo! if Allah wills, we may be led aright. 2:70
Somehow they worked it all out, though, and killed a yellow cow.
And now you've got to help me understand the rest of the story, which happens in just two verses.
When ye slew a man and disagreed concerning it and Allah brought forth that which ye were hiding. And We said: Smite him with some of it. Thus Allah bringeth the dead to life. 2:72-73
OK, I don't get much out of that. But this is what supposedly happened:
(Maybe a Muslim can explain it better for us in the comments.)
A man was murdered about the same time that the yellow cow was killed. Nobody knew who the murderer was. So Allah told the people to smite the dead man with a piece of the dead cow. When they did that, the dead man came to life and told everyone who had murdered him. (I hope I got that right.)
You can read all about it here.
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Bogging the Quran
Surah 2:75-105 -- Little is that which they believe
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Posted by Steve Wells at 6/29/2010 09:08:00 PM 13 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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28 June 2010Mr. Deity's Back
(And I'll be back soon with another Quran post. Until then, here's something fun to watch: The Prequel for the new season.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/28/2010 08:38:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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24 June 20101 Nephi 5: After this manner of language did they speak
In this chapter, Nephi and his brothers, along with Laban's servant Zoram, return to the wilderness from Jerusalem.
And it came to pass that after we had come down into the wilderness unto our father. 1 Nephi 5:1a
I guess the 400+ kilometer trip was getting routine by now, because Nephi says nothing at all about it. His parents, though, were filled with joy, exceedingly glad even, to see them.
Behold, he was filled with joy, and also my mother, Sariah, was exceedingly glad, for she truly had mourned because of us. 1 Nephi 5:1b
In fact, after the boys got back, the parents just couldn't stop talking about it. After this manner of language did they speak:
And after this manner of language had my mother complained against my father. 1 Nephi 5:3
And after this manner of language did my father, Lehi, comfort my mother. 1 Nephi 5:6
And after this manner of language did she speak. 1 Nephi 5:8
After they were done speaking in that manner of language, Lehi took a look at the brass plates. They had all kinds of cool stuff written on them: the five books of Moses, the history of the Jews, and the prophecies of Jeremiah.
Lehi ... beheld that they did contain the five books of Moses ... And also a record of the Jews from the beginning, even down to the commencement of the reign of Zedekiah ... And also the prophecies which have been spoken by the mouth of Jeremiah. 1 Nephi 5:10-13
And, most important of all, the plates had Lehi's genealogy, which showed that Lehi was a descendant of Joseph. (Joseph is a really important name in the Book of Mormon. I'm not sure why.)
And it came to pass that my father, Lehi, also found upon the plates of brass a genealogy of his fathers. wherefore he knew that he was a descendant of Joseph; yea, even that Joseph who was the son of Jacob. 1 Nephi 5:14
When Lehi found out that he was a descendant of Joseph, he was filled up with the Spirit and started to prophesy about his seed, saying the plates would never perish or dim with time. (No one has seen them since.)
When my father saw all these things, he was filled with the Spirit, and began to prophesy concerning his seed -- That these plates of brass should go forth unto all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people who were of his seed. Wherefore, he said that these plates of brass should never perish; neither should they be dimmed any more by time. 1 Nephi 5:17-19a
And then he prophesied some more stuff about his seed.
And he prophesied many things concerning his seed. 1 Nephi 5:19b
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Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next episode -- 1 Nephi 6: It mattereth not to me that I am particular
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Posted by Steve Wells at 6/24/2010 12:40:00 PM 12 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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23 June 2010Surah 2: 25-34 -- Believers get pure companions in heaven, Adam learns the animals' names, and Iblis becomes a disbeliever
Yep, all that in just ten verses.
Here's a summary.
If you believe and do good works, you will have pure companions in heaven.
And give glad tidings (O Muhammad) unto those who believe and do good works ... for them are pure companions. 2:25
Allah created seven heavens. (I think there was a TV show about that.)
He it is Who created for you all that is in the earth. Then turned He to the heaven, and fashioned it as seven heavens. And He is knower of all things. 2:29
Allah will shed human blood while angels praise him in heaven. (The angels question why Allah has to kill people; Allah says they'd understand if they knew everything like he does.)
And when thy Lord said unto the angels: Lo! I am about to place a viceroy in the earth, they said: Wilt thou place therein one who will do harm therein and will shed blood, while we, we hymn Thy praise and sanctify Thee ? He said: Surely I know that which ye know not. 2:30
Allah taught Adam all the names (of the animals, I guess).
And He taught Adam all the names. 2:31a
Then Allah showed all the animals to the angels, challenging them to guess their names (if they are truthful).
Then [he] showed them to the angels, saying: Inform Me of the names of these, if ye are truthful. 2:31b
But the angels weren't truthful enough to guess correctly.
They said: Be glorified! We have no knowledge saving that which Thou hast taught us. Lo! 2:32
Then Allah tells Adam to tell the angels the animals' names. So Adam tells them and says, "I know something you guys don't! Neener-Neener-Neener!"
He said: O Adam! Inform them of their names, and when he had informed them of their names, He said: Did I not tell you that I know the secret of the heavens and the earth? And I know that which ye disclose and which ye hide. 2:33
Finally, just to rub it in, Allah tells the angels to worship Adam. And they all did except for Iblis, who became the first disbeliever.
And when We said unto the angels: Prostrate yourselves before Adam, they fell prostrate, all save Iblis. He demurred through pride, and so became a disbeliever. 2:34
And the only reasonable person (so far, anyway) in the Quran.
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Bogging the Quran
Surah 2: 35-74 -- Allah turns Jews into apes and solves a murder mystery with a dead yellow cow
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Posted by Steve Wells at 6/23/2010 01:31:00 PM 19 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Can I be banned in Pakistan too?
Seven sites have been banned in Pakistan for offending the Quran.
Well, I try hard to offend the Quran. I just don't know how to offend a fucking book.
So I offend Islam instead.
Maybe I'm already banned, though. Someone emailed me (back when Pakistan banned Facebook for the "Draw Muhammad Day" thing) and told me that the SAQ was blocked in Pakistan. Maybe it still is. Could someone from Pakistan check and let me know?
That would be so cool. Then I'd know for sure that I had succeeded in offending that (god-awful) book.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/23/2010 10:15:00 AM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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22 June 2010Bible ignored, grandfather mauled
That's not the title of a parody article from the Onion; it's Bryan Fischer's post at the American Family Association.
You remember Bryan, don't you? He's the guy who said, after the tragic incident in Orlando, that we should have followed Exodus 21:28 and stoned Tilikum to death.
Now Bryan says that God is sending out the beasts to kill us all for disobeying his statutes.
...one of the consequences for a nation which walks in his statues is that it will have nothing to fear from wild animals. “If you walk in my statutes...I will remove harmful beasts from the land” (Lev. 26:3,6).
On the other hand, “[I]f you will not listen to me and will not do all these commandments...I will let loose the wild beasts against you” (Lev. 26:14,22).
God has "set loose the wild beasts against" us, just like he said he'd do in Leviticus 26.
Pretty soon God is going to force us to eat our own children (also in Leviticus 26).
And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29"
Bryan can hardly wait.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/22/2010 08:27:00 AM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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1 Neph 4: Better for one man to die than a whole nation dwindle in unbelief
Chapter 3 ended with an angel telling Nephi's brothers to stop beating Nephi and Sam with a rod.
And it came to pass as they smote us with a rod, behold, an angel of the Lord came and stood before them, and he spake unto them, saying: Why do ye smite your younger brother with a rod? 1 Nephi 3:29
The angel didn't impress Laman and Lemeul much though, so Nephi had to make another long, boring, BoM-type speech.
And it came to pass that I spake unto my brethren, saying: Let us go up again unto Jerusalem, and let us be faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord; for behold he is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than Laban and his fifty, yea, or even than his tens of thousands? Therefore let us go up; let us be strong like unto Moses; for he truly spake unto the waters of the Red Sea and they divided hither and thither, and our fathers came through, out of captivity, on dry ground, and the armies of Pharaoh did follow and were drowned in the waters of the Red Sea. Now behold ye know that this is true; and ye also know that an angel hath spoken unto you; wherefore can ye doubt? Let us go up; the Lord is able to deliver us, even as our fathers, and to destroy Laban, even as the Egyptians. 1 Nephi 4:1-3
After the speech, Laman and Lemuel decided to follow Nephi back to Jerusalem, though they "did still continue to murmur."
Now when I had spoken these words, they were yet wroth, and did still continue to murmur; nevertheless they did follow me up until we came without the walls of Jerusalem. 1 Nephi 4:4
When they got to Jerusalem, Nephi's brothers waited outside the gates while Nephi was led by the Lord to Laban's house.
And it was by night; and I caused that they should hide themselves without the walls. And after they had hid themselves, I, Nephi, crept into the city and went forth towards the house of Laban. And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. 1 Nephi 4:5-6
The Lord lead Nephi to a drunk guy passed out on the ground -- who turns out to be Laban!
Nevertheless I went forth, and as I came near unto the house of Laban I beheld a man, and he had fallen to the earth before me, for he was drunken with wine. And when I came to him I found that it was Laban. 1 Nephi 4:7-8
Laban had a sword made out of "the finest steel" (more than two thousand years before steel was available) with a handle of pure gold.
And I beheld his sword, and I drew it forth from the sheath thereof; and the hilt thereof was of pure gold, and the workmanship thereof was exceedingly fine, and I saw that the blade thereof was of the most precious steel. 1 Nephi 4:9
Then the Spirit constrained Nephi to kill Laman, who was passed out on the ground in front of him.
And it came to pass that I was constrained by the Spirit that I should kill Laban. 1 Nephi 4:10
But the Spirit had to tell Nephi again.
And the Spirit said unto me again: Behold the Lord hath delivered him into thy hands. 1 Nephi 4:11
And a third time, reminding Nephi that God kills people too (so it must be OK) and besides, it's better that one person die than a whole nation dwindle in unbelief.
And it came to pass that the Spirit said unto me again: Slay him, for the Lord hath delivered him into thy hands ... It is better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief. 1 Nephi 4:12-13
So Nephi (finally) obeys the Spirit by grabbing Laban by the hair and chopping off his head with his own sword.
Therefore I did obey the voice of the Spirit, and took Laban by the hair of the head, and I smote off his head with his own sword. 1 Nephi 4:18
After Nephi smote off his head, he put on Laban's clothes (while the blood gushed from the carotid artery) and "gird on his armor about [his] loins." (Laban always wore armor on his loins when he went out partying.)
And after I had smitten off his head with his own sword, I took the garments of Laban and put them upon mine own body; yea, even every whit; and I did gird on his armor about my loins. 1 Nephi 4:19
Dressed in Laban's blood-drenched clothes and loin armor, he went to the treasury of Laban and commanded (with the voice of Laban) Laban's servant to follow him.
And after I had done this, I went forth unto the treasury of Laban. And as I went forth towards the treasury of Laban, behold, I saw the servant of Laban who had the keys of the treasury. And I commanded him in the voice of Laban, that he should go with me into the treasury. 1 Nephi 4:20
And it worked perfectly. Nephi looked and sounded just like Laban, so it completely fooled Laban's servant.
And he supposed me to be his master, Laban, for he beheld the garments and also the sword girded about my loins. 1 Nephi 4:21
Nephi chatted with Laban's servant for a while about all the usual things -- the wild party last night, gossip about the elders of the "church" (the Jews had churches back then), etc. Then Nephi told him to take the brass plates to his brothers who were waiting outside the city gates.
And he spake unto me concerning the elders of the Jews, he knowing that his master, Laban, had been out by night among them. And I also spake unto him that I should carry the engravings, which were upon the plates of brass, to my elder brethren, who were without the walls. And I spake unto him as if it had been Laban. And I also bade him that he should follow me. And he, supposing that I spake of the brethren of the church, and that I was truly that Laban whom I had slain, wherefore he did follow me. And he spake unto me many times concerning the elders of the Jews, as I went forth unto my brethren, who were without the walls. 1 Nephi 4:22-27
When Nephi's brothers saw Nephi and Laban's servant coming, they were "exceedingly frightened" since they thought Nephi was Laban, too! (It was an exceedingly good disguise.)
And it came to pass that when Laman saw me he was exceedingly frightened, and also Lemuel and Sam. And they fled from before my presence; for they supposed it was Laban, and that he had slain me and had sought to take away their lives also. 1 Nephi 4:28
But then they heard his voice (he wasn't using the voice of Laban this time) and they knew it was Nephi "wherefore they did cease to flee from [his] presence."
And it came to pass that I called after them, and they did hear me; wherefore they did cease to flee from my presence. 1 Nephi 4:29
After brothers settled down, Nephi talked Laban's servant (Zoram) into joining up with them, and they packed up the brass plates and returned (400+ kilometers) to Lephi's tent.
And it came to pass that we took the plates of brass and the servant of Laban, and departed into the wilderness, and journeyed unto the tent of our father. 1 Nephi 4:38
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Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next episode -- 1 Nephi 5: After this manner of language did they speak
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Posted by Steve Wells at 6/22/2010 06:42:00 AM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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21 June 2010Hey Sarah, pray louder! Maybe he's daydreaming or relieving himself
Yesterday Sarah Palin said we should give up on the clean-up efforts in the Gulf and ask God for a solution/miracle.
Gulf disaster needs divine intervention as man's efforts have been futile. Gulf lawmakers designate today Day of Prayer for solution/miracle
And I'm sure all of her prayer warriors (along with the Louisiana Legislature) did just that. So what's the problem? Couldn't God hear her and her friends?
It reminds me of the words of Elijah, taunting the 450 prophets of Baal in the prayer contest.
Pray louder! He is a god! Maybe he is day-dreaming or relieving himself, or perhaps he's gone off on a trip! Or maybe he's sleeping, and you've got to wake him up! 1 Kings 18:27
Keep praying, Sarah. Nothing fails like prayer.
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A note about the translation of 1 Kings 18:27
The Bible versions that are most popular to believers (KJV, NIV, RSV) translate this verse in a way that sanitizes Elijah's bathroom humor.
The New International Version (NIV) translates "maybe he is relieving himself" as being "busy."
"Shout louder!" he said. "Surely he is a god! Perhaps he is deep in thought, or busy, or traveling. Maybe he is sleeping and must be awakened." NIV
The King James Version (KJV) translates it as "pursuing."
Cry aloud: for he is a god; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, or peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked. KJV
And the Revised Standard Version (RSV) as "he has gone aside."
And at noon Eli'jah mocked them, saying, "Cry aloud, for he is a god; either he is musing, or he has gone aside, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened." RSV
But Elijah wasn't the type to bother with polite euphemisms.
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And now for something completely different.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/21/2010 08:15:00 AM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Surah 2: 14- 24 -- Produce a surah the like thereof
OK, where were we?
When you're reading the Quran, it's hard to remember where you are because it says the same damned thing over and over again. So if you're reading along with me, you're going to need a bookmark.
If you remember last time, Allah was busy telling disbelievers how foolish and blind they were (because he made them that way) and then dooming them for their disbelief.
Now he tells us that he especially dislikes people who pretend to believe when they're around Muslims, and then disbelieve when they hang out with devils.
And when they fall in with those who believe, they say: We believe; but when they go apart to their devils they declare: Lo! we are with you; verily we did but mock. 2:14
Allah will mock and blind them.
Allah (Himself) doth mock them, leaving them to wander blindly on in their contumacy ... Allah taketh away their light and leaveth them in darkness, where they cannot see ... Deaf, dumb and blind. 2:15-18
And do you know what? If Allah really wanted to, he could destroy their sight and hearing. Allah can do anything.
If Allah willed, He could destroy their hearing and their sight. Lo! Allah is able to do all things. 2:20
And if you doubt that any of this stuff I've been quoting really comes from Allah, then just try to write something like it.
And if ye are in doubt concerning that which We reveal unto Our slave (Muhammad), then produce a surah of the like thereof. 2:23
That's right you disbelievers! Just try to write a Surah that's as meaningful and cool-sounding as this one:
The power of Abu Lahab will perish, and he will perish.
His wealth and gains will not exempt him.
He will be plunged in flaming Fire,
And his wife, the wood-carrier,
Will have upon her neck a halter of palm-fibre.
That is Surah 111 and there's nothing you can write that would be nearly as good.
Not that people haven't tried. Here's one that someone wrote, for example, trying match the beauty of Surah 111.
In the name of Marvin, most-merciful, all-compassionate:
Damn both hands of my neighbor Sam; damn him!
His money and children will not save him!
He will be burnt in a blazing flame --
Sam and his dame, who is also to blame.
As she was carrying wood to her home,
She put some thorns in the path where I roam.
So she shall suffer a torment most dire,
Dangling in hell from a noose of palm-fibre.
But that is obviously inferior.
Go ahead and try, though, if you want to. You will fail and Allah will burn you forever if you in the fire that he has prepared for disbelievers, whose fuel is men and stones.
And if ye do it not - and ye can never do it - then guard yourselves against the Fire prepared for disbelievers, whose fuel is of men and stones. 2:24
So there!
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Bogging the Quran
Surah 2: 25-34 -- Believers get pure companions in heaven, Adam learns the animals' names, and Iblis becomes a disbeliever
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Posted by Steve Wells at 6/21/2010 06:17:00 AM 19 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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20 June 2010Sarah Palin: Gulf disaster needs divine intervention
Sarah Palin told her twitter pals that it's time to ask God to take over the clean-up efforts in the Gulf.
Gulf disaster needs divine intervention as man's efforts have been futile. Gulf lawmakers designate today Day of Prayer for solution/miracle -- SarahPalinUSA
Yeah, that's a good idea, Sarah. Let's ask the (imaginary) guy who plans to turn 1/3 of the sea into blood and kill 1/3 of all sea life.
And the second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became blood; And the third part of the creatures which were in the sea, and had life, died. Revelation 8:8-9
And then turn the entire ocean into blood, killing everything that lives in it.
And the second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became blood; And the third part of the creatures which were in the sea, and had life, died. Revelation 16:3
And finally, destroy the whole shebang.
And I saw a new heaven and a new earth ... and there was no more sea. Revelation 21:1
Now that's someone we can depend on!
Unfortunately, the lawmakers of Louisiana agree.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/20/2010 12:08:00 PM 11 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 June 2010Did God tell Julia Lovemore to feed the Bible to her baby?
He's done it before, you know. Twice. (Tell someone to eat a book, that is.)
He told Ezekiel to do that.
But thou, son of man, hear what I say unto thee ... open thy mouth, and eat that I give thee. And when I looked, behold, an hand was sent unto me; and, lo, a roll of a book was therein ... Moreover he said unto me, Son of man, eat that thou findest; eat this roll ... So I opened my mouth, and he caused me to eat that roll. And he said unto me, Son of man, cause thy belly to eat, and fill thy bowels with this roll that I give thee. Then did I eat it; and it was in my mouth as honey for sweetness. Ezekiel 2:8-3:3
And the author of Revelation.
And I went unto the angel, and said unto him, Give me the little book. And he said unto me, Take it, and eat it up; and it shall make thy belly bitter, but it shall be in thy mouth sweet as honey. And I took the little book out of the angel's hand, and ate it up; and it was in my mouth sweet as honey: and as soon as I had eaten it, my belly was bitter. Revelation 10:9-10
Did God tell Ms. Lovemore to feed the Bible to her baby? Or did she get the idea from reading these stories in the Bible. Or did she think of it on her own.
Whichever it might have been, the Bible is a good book to keep away from crazy people. (Or from sane people; it can make them crazy, too.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/18/2010 07:06:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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17 June 20101 Nephi 3: Oh my heck! We forgot the brass plates!
When we last left Lehi and his family, they were camping out on the shore of the Red Sea next to the River Laman. The Lord had just visited Nephi and told him about his plan to lead Nephi to a new land that the Lord had prepared just for him, "a land which is choice above all other lands."
And then his dad had another dream.
And it came to pass that I, Nephi, returned from speaking with the Lord, to the tent of my father. And it came to pass that he spake unto me, saying: Behold I have dreamed a dream . . . 1 Nephi 3:1-2a
This wasn't just any old dream, either. It was a Book of Mormon dream.
. . . in the which the Lord hath commanded me that thou and thy brethren shall return to Jerusalem. 1 Nephi 3:2b
So Nephi and his brothers had to go back to Jerusalem. Why? Did they forget to lock the house? Leave the coffee pot on? What?
No, it's much more serious than that. They forgot their danged brass plates!
For behold, Laban hath the record of the Jews and also a genealogy of my forefathers, and they are engraven upon plates of brass. 1 Nephi 3:3
It had Lehi's whole genealogy on it, and Mormons love their genealogies (especially the ancient Jewish Mormons).
But it wasn't just Lehi that insisted on the 800+ kilometer round trip; it was God. (God is a Mormon and he's into genealogy, too.)
Wherefore, the Lord hath commanded me that thou and thy brothers should go unto the house of Laban, and seek the records, and bring them down hither into the wilderness. 1 Nephi 3:4
So God commanded Nephi and his brothers to return to Jerusalem, get the brass plates from a guy named Laban, and return "hither into the wilderness."
And after three more and-it-came-to-passes and one exceedingly, the four brothers were back in Jerusalem.
And it came to pass that when we had gone up to the land of Jerusalem, I and my brethren did consult one with another. 1 Nephi 3:10
Now they just needed to decide how to get the brass plates back from Laban.
Luckily, though, they had all read the Bible so they knew the proper way of deciding such things. They cast lots.
And we cast lots -- who of us should go in unto the house of Laban. 1 Nephi 3:11a
And the lot fell upon Laman, so he went in to talk to Laban about the plates.
And it came to pass that the lot fell upon Laman; and Laman went in unto the house of Laban, and he talked with him as he sat in his house. And he desired of Laban the records which were engraven upon the plates of brass, which contained the genealogy of my father. 1 Nephi 3:11b-12
But Laban refused to give him the plates, accused him of trying to rob him, and threatened to kill him.
And behold, it came to pass that Laban was angry, and thrust him out from his presence; and he would not that he should have the records. Wherefore, he said unto him: Behold thou art a robber, and I will slay thee. 1 Nephi 3:13
After that, Laman, Lemuel, and Sam wanted to give up on the plates and return "to the wilderness."
But Laman fled out of his presence, and told the things which Laban had done, unto us. And we began to be exceedingly sorrowful, and my brethren were about to return unto my father in the wilderness. 1 Nephi 3:14
But Nephi talked them out of it in a long, boring speech.
But behold I said unto them that: As the Lord liveth, and as we live, we will not go down unto our father in the wilderness until we have accomplished the thing which the Lord hath commanded us.
blah, blah, blah
And it came to pass that after this manner of language did I persuade my brethren, that they might be faithful in keeping the commandments of God. 1 Nephi 3:15-21
So Nephi and his brothers go get their father's gold, silver, and precious things (that were left behind on their wilderness trip), brought them to Laban, and offered to trade it all for the plates.
And it came to pass that we went down to the land of our inheritance, and we did gather together our gold, and our silver, and our precious things. And after we had gathered these things together, we went up again unto the house of Laban. And it came to pass that we went in unto Laban, and desired him that he would give unto us the records which were engraven upon the plates of brass, for which we would give unto him our gold, and our silver, and all our precious things. 1 Nephi 3:22-24
Laban wanted their gold and whatnot but he also wanted to keep the plates. (He was into genealogy, too.) So he decided to kill them and take their stuff.
And it came to pass that when Laban saw our property, and that it was exceedingly great, he did lust after it, insomuch that he thrust us out, and sent his servants to slay us, that he might obtain our property. 1 Nephi 3:25
Nephi and his brothers escaped to the wilderness and hid in "the cavity of a rock."
And it came to pass that we did flee before the servants of Laban, and we were obliged to leave behind our property, and it fell into the hands of Laban. And it came to pass that we fled into the wilderness, and the servants of Laban did not overtake us, and we hid ourselves in the cavity of a rock. 1 Nephi 3:26-27
By this time, Laman and Lemuel had had enough. They "did speak many hard words" to Nephi and started beating him with a rod.
And it came to pass that Laman was angry with me, and also with my father; and also was Lemuel, for he hearkened unto the words of Laman. Wherefore Laman and Lemuel did speak many hard words unto us, their younger brothers, and they did smite us even with a rod. 1 Nephi 3:28
Then an angel showed up and told them to stop beating Nephi; that God has chosen Nephi to rule over them; that they should go back to Jerusalem; and that God would deliver Laban into their hands.
And it came to pass as they smote us with a rod, behold, an angel of the Lord came and stood before them, and he spake unto them, saying: Why do ye smite your younger brother with a rod? Know ye not that the Lord hath chosen him to be a ruler over you, and this because of your iniquities? Behold ye shall go up to Jerusalem again, and the Lord will deliver Laban into your hands. 1 Nephi 3:29
But Laman and Lemuel weren't convinced by the angel.
And after the angel had departed, Laman and Lemuel again began to murmur, saying: How is it possible that the Lord will deliver Laban into our hands? Behold, he is a mighty man, and he can command fifty, yea, even he can slay fifty; then why not us?1 Nephi 3:31
Since they were Book of Mormon characters, they were used to angels dropping by to deliver messages from God. I suppose that sort of thing gets old after a while.
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Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next episode -- 1 Neph 4: Better for one man to die than a whole nation dwindle in unbelief
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Posted by Steve Wells at 6/17/2010 09:43:00 AM 18 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 June 2010What Obama should have said last night
Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy
Except for the "God bless you and God bless America" bullshit at the end.
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/16/2010 08:20:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Surah 2: The Cow, Part 1 -- Allah is wise, mysterious, funny
Surah 2 is the longest surah in the Quran, so it's going to take a while to get through it. I can only take so much of this stuff at a time.
It starts, as many surahs do, with three Arabic letters.
Alif. Lam. Mim. 2:1
No one knows what they mean or why they are there. But I have a theory.
The mysterious letters (Alif. Lam. Mim.) are the Quranic equivalent of W.T.F.
Allah is wise, mysterious, funny.
But he has a serious side, too. Take the next verse where he says:
This is the Scripture whereof there is no doubt. 2:2a
The Quran is true because the Quran says it's true, just like the Bible and the Book of Mormon. There is no doubt about it.
It's useful to those that "ward off evil," believe unseen things that Muhammad reveals to them, and are absolutely certain that they will survive their own death.
You know, the successful people. The Muslims.
[The Quran is] a guidance unto those who ward off evil. Who believe in the Unseen .. And who believe in that which is revealed unto thee (Muhammad) ... and are certain of the Hereafter. ... These are the successful. 2:2b-4
As for the other people, the disbelievers, Allah has already taken care of them. He has "sealed their hearing and their hearts" and put a covering on their eyes so they won't be able to believe.
As for the Disbelievers, Whether thou warn them or thou warn them not it is all one for them; they believe not. Allah hath sealed their hearing and their hearts, and on their eyes there is a covering. 2:6-7a
So if you don't believe by now, you never will. Allah has hardened your heart and blinded you to the truth. There's nothing you, or anyone else, can or should do about it.
And what happens to the disbelievers?
Theirs will be an awful doom. 2:7
You see, to Allah unbelief is like a disease. And he increases the disease. He's a spiritual anti-doctor.
In their hearts is a disease, and Allah increaseth their disease. 2:10
So if you don't believe in the unseen things that Muhammad revealed, you're pretty much out of luck. Allah has already blinded your eyes (so you won't be able to see unseen things), hardened your heart (so you'll think it's cruel for Allah to "doom" disbelievers for not believing things that he prevented them from believing), and increased your disease of unbelief. Yours will be an awful doom. Sorry about that.
Allah has made it impossible for you to believe as the foolish believe.
And when it is said unto them: believe as the people believe, they say: shall we believe as the foolish believe? are not they indeed the foolish? But they know not. 2:13
And after you die he'll torture you forever for it.
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Bogging the Quran
Surah 2:14-24 -- Produce a surah the like thereof
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Posted by Steve Wells at 6/16/2010 09:14:00 AM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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15 June 2010Jesus: I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven
Jesus was struck by lightning last night. I guess this is what he was talking about when told his disciples:
I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven. Luke 10:18
Of course, Jesus was in one of his crazy moods at the time. Here's what he said right after his vision of Satan.
Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions ... and nothing shall by any means hurt you. Luke 10:19
In any case, this is what he look like yesterday.
And here's what he looked like last night after Satan fell as lightning from heaven.
I think he looks a lot better in the second picture. (Thanks Satan!)
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/15/2010 10:07:00 AM 20 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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12 June 20101 Nephi 2: The incredible journey begins
God speaks to Lehi in a dream and tells him to leave Jerusalem and go "into the wilderness."
The Lord spake unto my father, yea, even in a dream ... and ... the Lord commanded my father, even in a dream, that he should take his family and depart into the wilderness. 1 Nephi 2:1-2
So, with no further instructions, he and his family go into the wild. (Lehi's family included his wife Sariah, and four sons, Laman, Lemuel, Sam, and Nephi.)
He departed into the wilderness ... with ... his family. 1 Nephi 2:4
Very quickly, and with no problem at all, they find themselves over 400 kilometers away, at "the shore of the Red Sea."
He came down by the borders near the shore of the Red Sea. 1 Nephi 2:5
Apparently the hike from Jerusalem to the Red Sea took only three days. I guess the family was in really good shape.
When he had traveled three days in the wilderness, he pitched his tent in a valley by the side of a river of water. 1 Nephi 1:6
Here's what Lehi's trip looked like in Google Earth.
But maybe the "three days" referred not to the length of the trip itself, but how long it took to find a good camping spot once they got there. I've had that problem before.
In any case and however long it took them to get there, when they arrived they found a continually flowing river that emptied into the Red Sea. (There aren't any permanent rivers that flow into the Red Sea, and there hasn't been for thousands of years. But God probably made one just for the occasion and then destroyed any evidence of it after Lehi and his family left. For a good time watch: Where is the River Laman?)
Lehi named the river after his slacker son, Laman, hoping it would inspire him to be more dependable, like the "continually running" river.
He called the name of the river, Laman, and it emptied into the Red Sea ... saying: O that thou mightest be like unto this river, continually running. 1 Nephi 2:8
And Lehi named the valley after his other worthless son, Lemuel, hoping it would somehow make him more "steadfast" and "immovable" like the big valley that the River Laman passed through.
And he also spake unto Lemuel: O that thou mightest be like unto this valley, firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord! 1 Nephi 2:10
But the magic didn't work. Laman and Lemuel were still a couple of whiny-ass, pieces of shit that were "like unto the Jews."
Now this he spake because of the stiffneckedness of Laman and Lemuel; for behold they did murmur in many things against their father.
....
They were like unto the Jews. 1 Nephi 2:11-13
Nephi wasn't like his older brothers, though. He didn't have a Jew-like bone in his body. (OK, he was a Jew, too, but he didn't act like one.) He wanted to know the mysteries of God, so he cried unto the Lord.
I, Nephi, ... having great desires to know of the mysteries of God, wherefore, I did cry unto the Lord 1 Nephi 2:16a
And, by golly, the Lord heard him and came to visit him to soften up his heart so he'd believe whatever the hell his bat-shit crazy dad said.
And behold he did visit me, and did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my father; wherefore, I did not rebel against him like unto my brothers. 1 Nephi 2:16b
And the dumb-as-shit Sam went along with whatever the Holy Spirit revealed to his younger brother Nephi.
And I spake unto Sam, making known unto him the things which the Lord had manifested unto me by his Holy Spirit. And it came to pass that he believed in my words. 1 Nephi 2:17
But Laman and Lemuel wouldn't listen to Nephi because they suffered from Pharaoh's syndrome: the hardening of the heart. So Nephi asked his good friend God what to do about it.
But, behold, Laman and Lemuel would not hearken unto my words; and being grieved because of the hardness of their hearts I cried unto the Lord for them. 1 Nephi 2:18
God, who happened to be visiting at the time, told Nephi what a good boy he was, that he would live long and prosper, and that God would lead him to a new land, a land that God had prepared just for him (and the Mormons) and that was better than everywhere else on earth. (Spoiler: God's talking about America here. God made the entire western hemisphere for Nephi and it's way better than anything in the Old World.)
Blessed art thou, Nephi, because of thy faith, for thou hast sought me diligently, with lowliness of heart ... Ye shall prosper, and shall be led to a land of promise; yea, even a land which I have prepared for you; yea, a land which is choice above all other lands. 1 Nephi 2:19-20
God goes on (and on) about what a great guy Nephi is and all the cool things he's going to do for him. But God hates Nephi's brothers, which he'll soon be cursing "even with a sore curse."
And inasmuch as thy brethren shall rebel against thee, they shall be cut off from the presence of the Lord ... For behold, in that day that they shall rebel against me, I will curse them even with a sore curse. 1 Nephi 2:21-23
The chapter ends with God saying something about how if Nephi's brothers continue to misbehave, he'll have to "stir them up in the ways of remembrance."
And if it so be that they rebel against me, they shall be a scourge unto thy seed, to stir them up in the ways of remembrance. 1 Nephi 2:24
I don't know what that means. God sometimes talks funny when he gets excited in the Book of Mormon (especially when he starts quoting the New Testament, 700 years before it was written).
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Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next episode -- 1 Nephi 3: Oh my heck! We forgot the brass plates!
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Posted by Steve Wells at 6/12/2010 12:01:00 PM 13 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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11 June 2010Surah 1: The Opening -- The Lord of the Worlds
OK, since KafirGirl is no longer doing it, I guess I have to.
A couple years ago, KafirGirl started to blog the Quran. And she did an absolutely fantastic job, too. I linked to all of her posts, revising the SAQ as she went along. Then, early last year and without warning, she suddenly stopped. She hasn't posted since and no one seems to know why. I sure hope she's OK.
So I've decided to start blogging my way through the Quran, starting with Surah 1. It's the only way I can force myself to re-read the Quran and revise the SAQ. I'm hoping that as I work my way through it, you'll read it along with me and point out things that I either missed or messed up.
There's not much to the first surah (or sura), just seven short verses (or ayat).
Here's the first verse.
1. In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.
Now that sounds nice enough, until you read a bit more of the Quran and see just how anti-Beneficent and anti-Merciful Allah really is. But I'll save that for later.
The next verse is the most interesting to me. Allah is the "Lord of the Worlds."
2. Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds,
Does this mean that the Quran recognizes, prophesies even, the existence of other solar systems, planets, and earth-like worlds, an idea that Giordano Bruno was burned alive for (at least in part) nearly 1000 years after the Quran was written?
If so, then the Quran gets off to a better start (as far as science is concerned, anyway) in Surah 1 than the Bible does in Genesis 1.
And then Allah has to blow it all by repeating himself, saying how beneficent and merciful he is. He just lied bragged about that two verses ago.
3. The Beneficent, the Merciful.
Now we get to stuff that Allah really cares about: the Day of Judgment. As we'll see later, Allah is completely obsessed with it.
4. Master of the Day of Judgment,
Allah, like his buddy Yahweh, is stuck on himself. He wants us all to grovel in front of him forever. Worship him alone; ask him for help; ignore everyone and everything else.
5. Thee (alone) we worship; Thee (alone) we ask for help.
And if you do that, then maybe, if you ask him nicely, he'll tell you what to do. Just don't try to think about it yourself.
6. Show us the straight path,
The straight path, by the way, is the path of those that Allah favors (Muslims).
7a. The path of those whom Thou hast favoured;
All non-Muslims have either gone astray (like the Christians) or have earned Allah's anger (like the Jews).
7b. Not the (path) of those who earn Thine anger nor of those who go astray.
And that's the end of the first surah, Allah's praise of, and prayer to, himself.
I know that was kind of boring. But Allah has lots of interesting things to say in the next Surah. So don't give up on the Quran just yet.
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Bogging the Quran
Surah 2:1-13 -- Allah is wise, mysterious, funny
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Posted by Steve Wells at 6/11/2010 01:01:00 PM 22 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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09 June 20101 Nephi 1: And it came to pass exceedingly
As you may have noticed, I've been neglecting the Quran and the Book of Mormon lately. And I feel bad about that. So I've decided to blog my way through both god-awful books, revising the SAQ and SABoM as I go along. So if you see things that I've missed, misunderstood, misstated, or messed up, this is your chance to let me know.
The first book of the Book of Mormon is the First Book of Nephi. The author is a guy named Nephi who thinks quite a lot of himself. He had "goodly parents" was "highly favored of the Lord" and had "a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God."
I, Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father; and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days. 1 Nephi 1:1
Nephi wrote in "the language of his father" -- Egyptian, which is a strange language for a an Israelite of 600 BCE to write in. But, then, we must get used to strange things if we are to read the Book of Mormon.
Yea, I make a record in the language of my father, which consists of the learning of the Jews and the language of the Egyptians. 1 Nephi 1:2
Nephi tells us that everything he's writing is complete bullshit.
Just kidding. It's all true because Nephi says it is. And if you can't believe a pompous, Egyptian-speaking Hebrew that supposedly lived 2600 years ago, who can you believe?
And I know that the record which I make is true; and I make it with mine own hand; and I make it according to my knowledge. 1 Nephi 1:3
Next, something comes to pass.
For it came to pass.... 1 Nephi 1:4a
This is the first of the 1297 times (that I've counted, anyway) that something comes to pass in the Book of Mormon. It's one of the things you notice as soon as you start reading the book.
Here's what Mark Twain said about it:
The author labored to give his words and phrases the quaint, old-fashioned sound and structure of our King James's translation of the Scriptures; ... Whenever he found his speech growing too modern--which was about every sentence or two--he ladled in a few such Scriptural phrases as "exceeding sore," "and it came to pass," etc., and made things satisfactory again. "And it came to pass" was his pet. If he had left that out, his Bible would have been only a pamphlet. Roughing It, Chapter 16
What came to pass, though, came to pass in the commencement (BoM-speak for beginning) of the first year of the reign of Zedekiah, king of Judah. There was a whole lot of prophesying going on.
For it came to pass in the commencement of the first year of the reign of Zedekiah, king of Judah, (my father, Lehi, having dwelt at Jerusalem in all his days); and in that same year there came many prophets, prophesying unto the people that they must repent, or the great city Jerusalem must be destroyed. 1 Nephi 1:4
A couple more things come to pass and then Nephi's dad (Lehi) saw a pillar of fire on a rock that made him "quake and tremble exceedingly."
Wherefore it came to pass that my father, Lehi, as he went forth prayed unto the Lord, yea, even with all his heart, in behalf of his people. And it came to pass as he prayed unto the Lord, there came a pillar of fire and dwelt upon a rock before him; and he saw and heard much; and because of the things which he saw and heard he did quake and tremble exceedingly. 1 Nephi 1:5-6
After Lehi saw the burning pillar on a rock, "he thought he saw" God, lots of angels, Jesus, and the 12 apostles -- which is a strange sight for a Jew that lived 600 years before Jesus was born. (Though, as you'll see if you continue reading, strange sights are common in the BoM.)
And it came to pass that he returned to his own house at Jerusalem; and he cast himself upon his bed, being overcome with the Spirit and the things which he had seen. And being thus overcome with the Spirit, he was carried away in a vision, even that he saw the heavens open, and he thought he saw God sitting upon his throne, surrounded with numberless concourses of angels in the attitude of singing and praising their God. And it came to pass that he saw One descending out of the midst of heaven, and he beheld that his luster was above that of the sun at noon-day. And he also saw twelve others following him, and their brightness did exceed that of the stars in the firmament. 1 Nephi 1:7-10
Then God, Jesus, the apostles, and the host of angels came down from heaven to earth and God gave Lehi a book to read.
And they came down and went forth upon the face of the earth; and the first came and stood before my father, and gave unto him a book, and bade him that he should read. 1 Nephi 1:11
So Lehi read from the book, was filled with the Spirit of the Lord, and said stuff like, "Wo, wo, unto Jerusalem, for I have seen thine abominations!" and "Great and marvelous are thy works, O Lord God Almighty!" (Which means, I guess, that he was reading from the book of Revelation, which wouldn't be written for another 700 years of so.)
And it came to pass that as he read, he was filled with the Spirit of the Lord. And he read, saying: Wo, wo, unto Jerusalem, for I have seen thine abominations! Yea, and many things did my father read concerning Jerusalem -- that it should be destroyed, and the inhabitants thereof; many should perish by the sword, and many should be carried away captive into Babylon. And it came to pass that when my father had read and seen many great and marvelous things, he did exclaim many things unto the Lord; such as: Great and marvelous are thy works, O Lord God Almighty! Thy throne is high in the heavens, and thy power, and goodness, and mercy are over all the inhabitants of the earth, and, because thou art merciful, thou wilt not suffer those who come unto thee that they shall perish! And after this manner was the language of my father in the praising of his God; for his soul did rejoice, and his whole heart was filled, because of the things which he had seen, yea, which the Lord had shown unto him. 1 Nephi 1:12-15
Now Nephi tells us that he's not going to tell us all of the shit his dad said, wrote, and did while under the influence of the Spirit. Which is a good thing. I couldn't take much more of that.
And now I, Nephi, do not make a full account of the things which my father hath written, for he hath written many things which he saw in visions and in dreams; and he also hath written many things which he prophesied and spake unto his children, of which I shall not make a full account. 1 Nephi 1:16
He's (thankfully) going to just give us the abridged version of his father's babblings, which was probably a good idea since he was writing this stuff down on brass plates.
But I shall make an account of my proceedings in my days. Behold, I make an abridgment of the record of my father, upon plates which I have made with mine own hands; wherefore, after I have abridged the record of my father then will I make an account of mine own life. 1 Nephi 1:17
After Lehi saw the pillar of fire, God, Jesus, the apostles, and angels, and read from the book that God gave him, he went into town to tell the people about his day.
Therefore, I would that ye should know, that after the Lord had shown so many marvelous things unto my father, Lehi, yea, concerning the destruction of Jerusalem, behold he went forth among the people, and began to prophesy and to declare unto them concerning the things which he had both seen and heard. 1 Nephi 1:18
They all thought he was crazy, since they were a bunch of wicked, abominable Jews.
And it came to pass that the Jews did mock him because of the things which he testified of them; for he truly testified of their wickedness and their abominations; and he testified that the things which he saw and heard, and also the things which he read in the book, manifested plainly of the coming of the Messiah, and also the redemption of the world. And when the Jews heard these things they were angry with him; yea, even as with the prophets of old, whom they had cast out, and stoned, and slain; and they also sought his life, that they might take it away. But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance. 1 Nephi 1:19-20
And that's all that came to pass in chapter 1.
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Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next episode -- 1 Nephi 2: The incredible journey begins
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/09/2010 12:36:00 PM 11 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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06 June 2010Christian Groups: BP is an angel of God
In my last post, I included an Onion news story entitled, "Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global Warming." It was, of course, a parody. But it was also based on fact.
Christian teabaggers are trying to force schools to stop teaching about global warming. The earth may be warming, they say, but if so, it's not caused by people; it's caused by God. God is going to burn all non-believers to death (and then burn them forever in hell) and the believers are looking forward to it.
Now believers are saying that the Gulf oil spill is a fulfillment of Revelation 8:8-9 and 16.3.
Here's Revelation 8:8-9.
The second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became blood; And the third part of the creatures which were in the sea, and had life, died.
But if that's true, what happened to the first angel? Where was the hail and fire mingled with blood? When were a third of the trees and all of the grass burned? Did God forget to send his first angel?
The first angel sounded, and there followed hail and fire mingled with blood, and they were cast upon the earth: and the third part of trees was burnt up, and all green grass was burnt up. Revelation 8:7
And here's Revelation 16:3.
The second angel poured out his vial upon the sea; and it became as the blood of a dead man: and every living soul died in the sea.
Which, of course, makes BP an angel of God.
But if so, what about the first angel? God was supposed to send some kind of nasty sores on everybody who had the mark of the beast. I'm pretty sure that if anyone had that mark, I'd have one. Where is my mark and "noisome and grievous sores?"
The first went, and poured out his vial upon the earth; and there fell a noisome and grievous sore upon the men which had the mark of the beast, and upon them which worshipped his image. Revelation 16:2
No, until God's first evil angel gives me some hemorrhoids in my secret parts or something, the ocean is safe from God's nasty plans (though obviously not from BP's).
The believers are wrong about the oil spill.
Not even BP is evil enough to be an angel of God.
(Unless BL1Y is right and God is punishing us for ignoring his prohibition against eating shellfish.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/06/2010 07:48:00 PM 12 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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02 June 2010Global Warming: It's all a part of God's plan
There aren't many things that God enjoys more than burning people to death.
He burned everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah with fire and brimstone, burned Aaron's sons for offering him "strange fire", burned the Israelites for complaining, burned 250 men for burning incense, and burned 102 more for asking Elijah to come down from his hill. Burning people alive is just God's way of having fun.
So no one, certainly not Bible believers, should be wonder about global warming. It's not the CO2; it's God.
And he's just getting started.
Here's what God has planned for the earth.
Howl ye; for the day of the LORD is at hand ... every man's heart shall melt ... their faces shall be as flames. Isaiah 13:6-8
The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken this word ... Therefore hath the curse devoured the earth ... the inhabitants of the earth are burned, and few men left. Isaiah 24:3-6
The people shall be as the burnings of lime ... they be burned in the fire. Isaiah 33:12
For it is the day of the LORD's vengeance ... And the streams thereof shall be turned into pitch, and the dust thereof into brimstone, and the land thereof shall become burning pitch. It shall not be quenched night nor day; the smoke thereof shall go up for ever: from generation to generation it shall lie waste; none shall pass through it for ever and ever. Isaiah 34:8-10
Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will kindle a fire ... and it shall devour every green tree ... and every dry tree: the flaming flame shall not be quenched, and all faces from the south to the north shall be burned therein. And all flesh shall see that I the LORD have kindled it. Ezekiel 20:47-48
The day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand ... A fire devoureth before them; and behind them a flame burneth ... yea, and nothing shall escape them. Joel 2:1-3
For, behold, the day cometh, that shall burn as an oven ... and the day that cometh shall burn them up. Malachi 4:1
The day of the Lord will come ... and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up. 2 Peter 3:10
And the fourth angel poured out his vial upon the sun; and power was given unto him to scorch men with fire. And men were scorched with great heat, and blasphemed the name of God, which hath power over these plagues: and they repented not to give him glory. Revelation 16:8-9
And no damned scientists ("astrologers, stargazers, and prognosticators" is about as close to "scientists" as the Bible ever gets) will be able to stop God's plan to use global warming to burn everyone to death.
Let now the astrologers, the stargazers, the monthly prognosticators, stand up, and save thee from these things that shall come upon thee ... the fire shall burn them; they shall not deliver themselves from the power of the flame. Isaiah 47:13-14
So now you know why all true Bible believers fight against the science of global warming. Global warming is caused by God; it's God's plan to burn us all to death, just like it says in the Bible.
Don't let science rob God of his glory!
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/02/2010 10:11:00 AM 12 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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01 June 2010Blogging the Book of Mormon
First Nephi
1: And it came to pass exceedingly
2: The incredible journey begins
3: Oh my heck! We forgot the brass plates!
4: Better for one man to die than a whole nation dwindle in unbelief
5: After this manner of language did they speak
6: It mattereth not to me that I am particular
7: Oh Fetch! We forgot the fricken women!
8: Pointing the finger of scorn at Lehi's magic happy-fruit tree
9: Nephi names his plates
10: Lehi proves Jesus wrong by becoming the greatest prophet ever
11: A spirit shows Nephi all the shit his dad saw
12: Those who dwindle in unbelief will become dark, loathsome, filthy, idle, and abominable people
13: Satan founds the Catholic church, Columbus discovers America, and Joseph Smith fixes the Bible
14: There are only two churches - the church of God (the Mormons) and the church of the devil (everyone else)
15: Nephi explains his dad's magic tree (again)
16: A group marriage, magic brass ball, and broken steel bow
17: The Trip to Bountiful
18: Nephi discovers America
19: Zenos' Paradox
20-21: I will feed them with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood
22: Someday Catholics will all get drunk on their own blood
Second Nephi
1-3: A tale of four Josephs and loads of loin fruit
4-5: Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites are cursed, receive a skin of blackness
6: Someday God will force non-Mormons to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.
7-9: Tomorrow is a Latter Day
10: Wicked Jews, Blessed Gentiles, and a Completely Mormon America (with a Mormon president)
11-24: Padding Isaiah
25: Nephi speaks (somewhat) plainly about Jews, Jesus, and Joseph Smith
26: All those who have dwindled in unbelief shall not be forgotten.
27: The Book of Mormon prophesies itself
28-29: A Bible! A Bible! We don't need another Bible!
30: They shall be a white and delightsome people.
31-33: Nephi makes an end of his prophesying and proposes a simple test
Jacob
1-2: Polygamy, riches, and the Lord's delight in chaste women 3: Repent or "their skins will be whiter than yours." 4: On the difficulty of engraving words upon plates
5: A tale of two olive trees (and a new SAB category)
6-7: The sign of Sherem
Enos
You've done an awesome job, Enos!
Jarom
Jarom writes a few words about the Lamanites (who love murder and drink the blood of beasts)
Omni
The Book of Omni: The Nephites discover the Mulekites and Jaredites (who also sailed from Israel to America)
Words of Mormon
Words of Mormon - whispered by the Spirit of the Lord to Mormon Jr.
Mosiah
1: King Benjamin teaches his sons Reformed Egyptian
2-6: The King's Speech
7: A Nephite Family Reunion
8: A seer is greater than an prophet
9: Mosiah 9: The start of the Record of Zeniff
10: 22 years of peace
11: Wicked King Noah
12-13: Abinadi's Trial
14: A Complete Waste of a Golden Plate
15: O, how beautiful upon the mountains are their feet!
16-17: The end of Abinadi
18: Mormon, Mormon, Mormon, Mormon, Mormon!
19: Lamanite Attack!
20: Stolen Daughters
21: The Lord did not see fit to deliver them out of bondage
22: The escape of the Nephites
23: Nevertheless the Lord Seeth Fit to Chasten his People
24: Another daring escape
25: Mosiah 25: Speeches, Speeches and more Speeches
26: What to do with the unbelievers?
27 A visit from God's angel
28 Mosiah's sons go on a mission
29 The End of Mosiah
Alma
1 Priestcraft: Whoring and Babbling in the promised land
2 Amlici seeks to become king, and Alma puts a stop to it
3 God Set a Mark Upon Them
4 Alma Appoints Nephihah
5 Repent! (Or ye shall be cast into the fire)
6 Alma Goes to the City of Gideon (in the Valley of Gideon, There Having a City Built, Named for Gideon, Who Was Slain By the Hand of Nehor With the Sword)
7 Jesus is Coming
8 Alma, the Door-to-Door Salesman
9 Alma Speaks Again to the People of Ammonihah
10 The Evil Lawyers of Ammonihah
11 How much is a Senine of gold worth?
12 "This is the thing which I was about to explain..."
13 Melchizedek--None were greater
14 Alma and Amulek in Prison
15 The Healing of Zeezrom
Posted by Steve Wells at 6/01/2010 08:10:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Real men pee standing up
Everybody must get stoned
Where do evil spirits come from?
What does Jesus have written on his testicles?
Which is more violent, the Bible or the Quran?
Why Christian "Marriage" is Wrong
Is it wrong to burn people to death?
The Top 50 Bible Stories for kids
Which bits of the Bible are we still to believe?
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30 July 2010Surah 2:106-138: Abrogation, proof, and Allah's coloring book
The section begins with a verse that contradicts itself.
Nothing of our revelation (even a single verse) do we abrogate or cause be forgotten, but we bring (in place) one better or the like thereof. 2:106
Nothing in the Quran, not a singe verse, is wrong -- except for the verses that are wrong, that is. And Allah will replace them later with better verses.
There is some disagreement among Muslims about this abrogation thing. Did Allah fix earlier messed up verses in the Quran with better ones later on? Or is every verse in the Quran correct as is?
They all seem to agree, though, that when it comes to the Quran, later is better. Allah may have made some mistakes when he revealed the Quran to Muhammad, but if so, he corrected them as he went along. Allah is wise, all-knowing, careful.
Next Allah tells us a few things about the people of the Scriptures. The Jews and Christians know damn well that the Muslims are right, so they try to make Muslims disbelievers because they envy the truth that they know the Muslims have.
Many of the people of the Scripture long to make you disbelievers after your belief, through envy on their own account, after the truth hath become manifest unto them. 2:109a
Well, Allah says that's fine. Play nice with them until Allah tells you to get nasty.
Forgive and be indulgent (toward them) until Allah give command. 2:109b
But when they say that you must be a Christian or a Jew to go to heaven, ask them to prove it (and hope they don't ask you the same thing when you tell them that they must be Muslim to go to heaven).
They say: None entereth paradise unless he be a Jew or a Christian. ...
Say: Bring your proof (of what ye state) if ye are truthful. 2:111
Beyond that, don't worry about it. Allah will make their lives miserable in this world and torture them forever after they die.
Theirs in the world is ignominy and theirs in the Hereafter is an awful doom. 2:114
And pay no attention to the know-nothings that ask Allah for a sign. (Or ask him to say something good, kind, decent, or reasonable in the Quran.)
And those who have no knowledge say: Why doth not Allah speak unto us, or some sign come unto us? 2:118a
Their hearts are all alike (they suck). Allah's revelations are clear to those that already believe that Allah's revelations are clear.
Their hearts are all alike. We have made clear the revelations for people who are sure. 2:118b
Allah will take care of the disbelievers later (by burning them forever in the Fire).
As for him who disbelieveth, I shall leave him in contentment for a while, then I shall compel him to the doom of Fire - a hapless journey's end! 2:126
Meanwhile, remember that Muslims are colored by God. And who is better at coloring than Allah?
(We take our) colour from Allah, and who is better than Allah at colouring. 2:138
I give up. Who is better than Allah at coloring?
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Bogging the Quran
Surah 2:139-158 -- Changing holy directions (qiblah)
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Posted by Steve Wells at 7/30/2010 11:43:00 AM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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21 July 20101 Nephi 9: Nephi names his plates
Lucky for us, Nephi left out a lot of shit his dad said while camping out in the valley of Lemuel.
And all these things did my father see, and hear, and speak, as he dwelt in a tent, in the valley of Lemuel. 1 Nephi 9:1a
He just didn't have room for it on his plates.
And also a great many more things, which cannot be written upon these plates. 1 Nephi 9:1
He only had room for important stuff -- like what to name his plates.
But first, Nephi tells us that these plates (the ones he's writing now) are not the plates that have the history of his people written on them.
And now, as I have spoken concerning these plates, behold they are not the plates upon which I make a full account of the history of my people. 1 Nephi 9:2a
No, those plates are called the plates of Nephi. That's why he calls them the plates of Nephi. He named them after his own name, which (in case you've forgotten) is Nephi.
For the plates upon which I make a full account of my people I have given the name of Nephi; wherefore, they are called the plates of Nephi, after mine own name. 1 Nephi 9:2b
There are other plates that are also called the plates of Nephi, but these plates (the ones Nephi is talking about now) are not those plates of Nephi, although they are also called the plates of Nephi.
And these plates also are called the plates of Nephi. 1 Nephi 9:2c
Now that we know which plates of Nephi Nephi is talking about, he can tell us about them.
First of all, God gave Nephi a commandment to write down the ministry of his people on these plates (which Nephi called the plates of Nephi).
Nevertheless, I have received a commandment of the Lord that I should make these plates, for the special purpose that there should be an account engraven of the ministry of my people. 1 Nephi 9:3
God told Nephi to make two sets of plates: one for "for the more part of the ministry" and the other set "for the more part of the reign of the kings and the wars and contentions" of his people.
Upon the other plates should be engraven an account of the reign of the kings, and the wars and contentions of my people; wherefore these plates are for the more part of the ministry; and the other plates are for the more part of the reign of the kings and the wars and contentions of my people. 1 Nephi 9:4
God told Nephi to make both sets of plates "for a wise purpose." But Nephi had no idea what that purpose was.
Wherefore, the Lord hath commanded me to make these plates for a wise purpose in him, which purpose I know not. 1 Nephi 9:5
And thus it is and so on and so forth. Amen.
But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen. 1 Nephi 9:6
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Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next episode -- 1 Nephi 10: Lehi proves Jesus wrong by becoming the greatest prophet ever
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Posted by Steve Wells at 7/21/2010 01:37:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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17 July 20101 Nephi 8: Lehi's magic happy-fruit tree
After Nephi and his brothers got back from their women-hunting mission to Jerusalem, it came to pass that Lehi had another dream -- that is he dreamed a dream; or, in other words, he had seen a vision.
And it came to pass that while my father tarried in the wilderness he spake unto us, saying: Behold, I have dreamed a dream; or, in other words, I have seen a vision.1 Nephi 8:2
(The dream that Lehi had was nearly identical to Joseph Smith, Sr.'s dream 2400 years later, before Joseph Smith, Jr. "translated" the Book of Mormon. But I'm sure that was just a coincidence.)
Lehi dreamed about tree with fruit that could make you happy if you ate it (or smoked it?).
And it came to pass that I beheld a tree, whose fruit was desirable to make one happy.1 Nephi 8:10
Lehi partook of the fruit thereof, and it was the sweetest thing he'd ever tasted, and was whiter than anything he'd ever seen before. (Being white is the best thing a thing can be in the Book of Mormon.)
And it came to pass that I did go forth and partake of the fruit thereof; and I beheld that it was most sweet, above all that I ever before tasted. Yea, and I beheld that the fruit thereof was white, to exceed all the whiteness that I had ever seen. 1 Nephi 8:11
And it made him exceedingly happy, happier than he'd ever been before. He was so darned happy he could hardly stand it. So he wanted his family to eat from the happy tree, too.
And as I partook of the fruit thereof it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy; wherefore, I began to be desirous that my family should partake of it also; for I knew that it was desirable above all other fruit.1 Nephi 8:12
So Lehi cast his eyes round about until he discovered his family.
And as I cast my eyes round about, that perhaps I might discover my family also, I beheld a river of water; and it ran along, and it was near the tree of which I was partaking the fruit.1 Nephi 8:13
Lehi told his family to eat the happy fruit, and the good members of his family (Nephi, Sariah, and Sam) ate it.
And ... I beheld your mother Sariah, and Sam, and Nephi; and they stood as if they knew not whither they should go. And it came to pass that I beckoned unto them; and I also did say unto them with a loud voice that they should come unto me, and partake of the fruit, which was desirable above all other fruit. And it came to pass that they did come unto me and partake of the fruit also. 1 Nephi 8:14-16
After the good guys ate the good fruit, Lehi cast his eyes about again until he saw Laman and Lemuel. He told them to eat the fruit, but they wouldn't do it (because they were bad).
And it came to pass that I was desirous that Laman and Lemuel should come and partake of the fruit also; wherefore, I cast mine eyes towards the head of the river, that perhaps I might see them. And it came to pass that I saw them, but they would not come unto me and partake of the fruit. 1 Nephi 8:17-18
Lehi saw an iron rod along the side of the river that people clung to as they traveled towards the happy tree.
In the background there was a mist of darkness; yea, even an exceedingly great mist of darkness that lots of people got lost in.
And it came to pass that there arose a mist of darkness; yea, even an exceedingly great mist of darkness, insomuch that they who had commenced in the path did lose their way, that they wandered off and were lost. 1 Nephi 8:23
But some managed to find the happy-fruit tree by hanging on to the rod of iron.
And it came to pass that I beheld others pressing forward, and they came forth and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron, even until they did come forth and partake of the fruit of the tree.1 Nephi 8:24
But after partaking of the happy fruit, the people cast their eyes about like they were ashamed or something.
And after they had partaken of the fruit of the tree they did cast their eyes about as if they were ashamed. 1 Nephi 8:25
Then Lehi cast his eyes about again and saw a big building floating in the air.
And I also cast my eyes round about, and beheld, on the other side of the river of water, a great and spacious building; and it stood as it were in the air, high above the earth.1 Nephi 8:26
The building was filled with people that were looking down and pointing and laughing at the people eating the happy fruit.
And it was filled with people, both old and young, both male and female; and their manner of dress was exceedingly fine; and they were in the attitude of mocking and pointing their fingers towards those who had come at and were partaking of the fruit.1 Nephi 8:27
Then the people who were ashamed after eating the happy fruit crawled off into the darkness and got lost.
And after they had tasted of the fruit they were ashamed, because of those that were scoffing at them; and they fell away into forbidden paths and were lost.1 Nephi 8:28
Some of the ashamed fruit-eaters made it to the big building, but others drowned.
And he also saw other multitudes feeling their way towards that great and spacious building. And it came to pass that many were drowned in the depths of the fountain; and many were lost from his view, wandering in strange roads. 1 Nephi 8:31-32
Those that made it into the big building in the sky began pointing the finger of scorn at the happy fruit eaters below.
And great was the multitude that did enter into that strange building. And after they did enter into that building they did point the finger of scorn at me and those that were partaking of the fruit also; but we heeded them not. 1 Nephi 8:33
Here's what the whole thing looked like.
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Blogging the Book of Mormon
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Posted by Steve Wells at 7/17/2010 11:02:00 AM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 July 2010Surah 2:75-105 -- Little is that which they believe
Now here is something I can agree with Allah on!
Little is that which they believe. 2:88b
There is little in the Quran that I believe. Actually nothing. It's all complete bullshit to me.
And because I disbelieve in his bullshit, Allah has cursed me.
The curse of Allah is on disbelievers. 2:88a
And is my enemy.
Allah (Himself) is an enemy to the disbelievers. 2:98
And will torture me forever after I die.
They have incurred anger upon anger. For disbelievers is a shameful doom. 2:90
For disbelievers is a painful doom. 2:104
But then I deserve it. Allah revealed clear tokens and only miscreants will disbelieve in them.
We have revealed unto thee clear tokens, and only miscreants will disbelieve in them. 2:99
Of course, non-believers won't be the only people in hell.
Evil people will also be there.
Whosoever hath done evil and his sin surroundeth him; such are rightful owners of the Fire; they will abide therein. 2:81
Along with those (like the Christians) who believe only part of the scripture.
Believe ye in part of the Scripture and disbelieve ye in part thereof? And what is the reward of those who do so save ignominy in the life of the world, and on the Day of Resurrection they will be consigned to the most grievous doom. 2:85
And Jews, who are, according to Allah (bless his heart), "the greediest of mankind."
And thou wilt find them greediest of mankind for life and (greedier) than the idolaters. (Each) one of them would like to be allowed to live a thousand years. And to live (a thousand years) would be no means remove him from the doom. 2:96
Richard Dawkins has famously said that the God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction. I'm starting to think that Allah is even more unpleasant.
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Bogging the Quran
Surah 2:106-138: Abrogation, proof, and Allah's coloring book
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Posted by Steve Wells at 7/16/2010 11:57:00 AM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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14 July 2010Steven L. Anderson: Jesus wore pants and had no tattoos on his thigh (or scrotum)
Remember my post about Jesus' testicles? It was based on this verse from Revelation.
And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. Revelation 19:16
From that verse alone, we know for sure that Jesus has "King of Kings" and "Lord of Lords" written on his thigh. And since thigh is a biblical euphemism for male genitals, well, you get the idea.
It may not be true (heck, he might not have flaming eyes, blood-drenched clothes, white hair, and a sword sticking out of his mouth either), but it's fun to think about. Isn't it?
But Steven L. Anderson doesn't like the idea. Jesus doesn't have a tattoo on his thigh or his scrotum. It is written on his pants.
Obviously John was not referring to a tattoo he was seeing on Jesus’ naked thigh since Jesus was clothed from head to foot according to Revelation 1:13. He had his name written upon the clothing on his thigh, just as he had his name written upon his coat. When wearing a dress or a “tunic” the thigh is not delineated. Clothing that is worn on each “thigh” is referred to as a pair of pants. Therefore it is apparent that Jesus was wearing pants as he rode in on a white horse to defeat the antichrist. Apparently “scholars” would have us believe that Jesus was riding to battle on a horse in a dress.
And here's his proof:
The universal symbols for a man and for a woman say it all. Have you looked at a bathroom door lately?
Posted by Steve Wells at 7/14/2010 11:28:00 AM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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06 July 2010Bryan Fischer: May each of us be a Phinehas in our own world
Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association says that each of us should be a Phinehas in own world.
Now that won't mean much to you, unless you've read the story in Numbers 25.
And, behold, one of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman in the sight of Moses, and in the sight of all the congregation of the children of Israel ... And when Phinehas ... saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand; And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. Numbers 25:6-8
Here's what he has to say about it.
I want to read a passage that my wife pointed out to me this morning from Numbers 25. This is a story about a man by the name of Phinehas, the nation had lapsed into rampant sexual immorality - I don't know if that sounds familiar to you, it certainly does to me - and Phinehas was motivated to do something about this and he did something very decisive: he found an Israelite in flagrante with a Philistine woman and he ran them both through with a spear, pinned them both to the ground inside their tent, ran his spear through both of them, right into the ground. And that shook up the nation, it got their attention and they transformed, they made a decision, they turned from that kind of behavior and renewed their commitment to follow God.
...
So Phinehas is commended for his zeal, that he was willing to take action, that he was willing to act boldly, he was willing to act decisively out of his jealousy for his God and his jealous desire to see that his people, his nation, would be wholly devoted to God.
So what God is obviously looking for is more Phinehases in our day ... you know, and it's striking here, that here's the actions of one man, here is one man by his action, by his commitment, by his energy, by his commitment, by his willingness to take decisive and assertive action when that's what was called for, he alone was able to turn back the wrath of God from his people, from his nation.
So may his His tribe increase, may each one of us be a Phinehas our own world and in our own generation.
Mr. Fischer has later tried to deny that he was saying what he so obviously was saying: that we should all go out and murder people having (interracial?) sex. And yet it was the double murder of the interracial couple that made Phinehas a hero to Bryan Fischer and his God.
Here's his attempt to deny what he previously said.
So in Bryan Fischer's authorized (chicken-shit) revised version, Phinehas was a hero for murdering the interracial couple and each of us should imitate him and thereby become a Phinehas in our own world, but none of us should actually do what Phinehas did.
Posted by Steve Wells at 7/06/2010 08:59:00 PM 36 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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1 Nephi 7: Oh Fetch! We forgot the fricken women!
Remember how Nephi and his brothers had to return to Jerusalem to get the brass plates? Well, now they have go back again to get some women. Otherwise they'd have to have sex with their mom in order to populate the New World, and that's just too yucky for Mormons to even think about. (It was OK for Adam's family back in the day, but not for Mormon Israelites in 600 BCE.)
So after Lehi made an end of prophesying about his seed, God stopped by to chat for a while. God said that he couldn't help but notice that Lehi didn't bring any women along with him, and God just didn't think it was meet for Lehi not to have some daughters to give to his sons. What were they going to do, God asked, fuck their own mother? (I'm paraphrasing here.)
And now I would that ye might know, that after my father, Lehi, had made an end of prophesying concerning his seed, it came to pass that the Lord spake unto him again, saying that it was not meet for him, Lehi, that he should take his family into the wilderness alone; but that his sons should take daughters to wife, that they might raise up seed unto the Lord in the land of promise. 1 Nephi 7:1
So God commanded Lehi to send his four sons back to Jerusalem (again!) to get Ishmael and his family. That way Nephi's sons would could have sex with Ishmael's daughters instead of their mom.
And it came to pass that the Lord commanded him that I, Nephi, and my brethren, should again return unto the land of Jerusalem, and bring down Ishmael and his family into the wilderness. 1 Nephi 7:2
And so it came to pass that Lehi's sons went back to Jerusalem one more time.
And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did again, with my brethren, go forth into the wilderness to go up to Jerusalem. 1 Nephi 7:3
It was just another quick, uneventful, 400+ km trip. After they arrived, the Lord softened up Ishmael's heart enough that he agreed to leave Jerusalem with his family and go into the wilderness so that Lehi's sons could have sex with Ishmael's daughters.
And it came to pass that we went up unto the house of Ishmael, and we did gain favor in the sight of Ishmael, insomuch that we did speak unto him the words of the Lord. And it came to pass that the Lord did soften the heart of Ishmael, and also his household, insomuch that they took their journey with us down into the wilderness to the tent of our father. 1 Nephi 7:4-5
But then deja vu came to pass all over again. Laman and Lemuel revolted, along with two of Ishmael's daughters and two of his sons.
And it came to pass that as we journeyed in the wilderness, behold Laman and Lemuel, and two of the daughters of Ishmael, and the two sons of Ishmael and their families, did rebel against us; yea, against me, Nephi, and Sam, and their father, Ishmael, and his wife, and his three other daughters. 1 Nephi 7:6
The whole rebellion thing came to pass because they were desirous to return to the land of Jerusalem.
And it came to pass in the which rebellion, they were desirous to return unto the land of Jerusalem. 1 Nephi 7:7
And then Nephi gave a speech that no one should ever have to read or listen to.
And now I, Nephi, being grieved for the hardness of their hearts, therefore I spake unto them, saying, yea, even unto Laman and unto Lemuel: Behold ye are mine elder brethren, and how is it that ye are so hard in your hearts, and so blind in your minds, that ye have need that I, your younger brother, should speak unto you, yea, and set an example for you? How is it that ye have not hearkened unto the word of the Lord? How is it that ye have forgotten that ye have seen an angel of the Lord? Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten what great things the Lord hath done for us, in delivering us out of the hands of Laban, and also that we should obtain the record? Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him. And if it so be that we are faithful to him, we shall obtain the land of promise; and ye shall know at some future period that the word of the Lord shall be fulfilled concerning the destruction of Jerusalem; for all things which the Lord hath spoken concerning the destruction of Jerusalem must be fulfilled. For behold, the Spirit of the Lord ceaseth soon to strive with them; for behold, they have rejected the prophets, and Jeremiah have they cast into prison. And they have sought to take away the life of my father, insomuch that they have driven him out of the land. Now behold, I say unto you that if ye will return unto Jerusalem ye shall also perish with them. And now, if ye have choice, go up to the land, and remember the words which I speak unto you, that if ye go ye will also perish; for thus the Spirit of the Lord constraineth me that I should speak. 1 Nephi 7:8-15
After listening to Nephi's awful speech, Nephi's brothers were exceedingly wroth. So they tied him up and left him for the animals to eat.
And it came to pass that when I, Nephi, had spoken these words unto my brethren, they were angry with me. And it came to pass that they did lay their hands upon me, for behold, they were exceedingly wroth, and they did bind me with cords, for they sought to take away my life, that they might leave me in the wilderness to be devoured by wild beasts. 1 Nephi 7:16
But then Nephi prayed unto the Lord.
But it came to pass that I prayed unto the Lord, saying: O Lord, according to my faith which is in thee, wilt thou deliver me from the hands of my brethren; yea, even give me strength that I may burst these bands with which I am bound. 1 Nephi 7:17
And, just like magic, the cords were untied.
And it came to pass that when I had said these words, behold, the bands were loosed from off my hands and feet, and I stood before my brethren, and I spake unto them again. 1 Nephi 7:18
Nephi's brothers tried to lay hands on him again but he was saved by a daughter, mother, and brother of Ishmael, who softened the hearts of Nephi's younger brothers.
And it came to pass that they were angry with me again, and sought to lay hands upon me; but behold, one of the daughters of Ishmael, yea, and also her mother, and one of the sons of Ishmael, did plead with my brethren, insomuch that they did soften their hearts; and they did cease striving to take away my life. 1 Nephi 7:19
Then Nephi's brothers bowed down and begged Nephi to forgive them.
And it came to pass that they were sorrowful, because of their wickedness, insomuch that they did bow down before me, and did plead with me that I would forgive them of the thing that they had done against me. 1 Nephi 7:20
And it came to pass that Nephi forgave his brothers and they returned to their father's tent in the wilderness, where they killed and sacrificed some animals for God and began to get to know the daughters of Ishmael.
And it came to pass that I did frankly forgive them all that they had done, and I did exhort them that they would pray unto the Lord their God for forgiveness. And it came to pass that they did so. And after they had done praying unto the Lord we did again travel on our journey towards the tent of our father. And it came to pass that we did come down unto the tent of our father. And after I and my brethren and all the house of Ishmael had come down unto the tent of my father, they did give thanks unto the Lord their God; and they did offer sacrifice and burnt offerings unto him. 1 Nephi 7:21-22
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Posted by Steve Wells at 7/06/2010 04:45:00 PM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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01 July 20101 Nephi 6: It mattereth not to me that I am particular
In the last chapter, Lehi's family spoke in a certain manner of language. In this chapter, Nephi says nothing at all.
He's not going to say anything about Lehi's genealogy.
And now I, Nephi, do not give the genealogy of my fathers in this part of my record; neither at any time shall I give it after upon these plates which I am writing; for it is given in the record which has been kept by my father; wherefore, I do not write it in this work. 1 Nephi 6:1
"It sufficeth" for him to say that he and his family are descendants of Joseph. (But you already knew that from the last chapter.)
For it sufficeth me to say that we are descendants of Joseph. 1 Nephi 6:2
The reason Nephi is going on and on about nothing at all is that he doesn't have room to say anything. After all, he's writing all this down on metal plates. You wouldn't waste words if you were doing that, would you?
That's why it mattereth not to him that he is particular to give a full account of all the things, etc., etc.
And it mattereth not to me that I am particular to give a full account of all the things of my father, for they cannot be written upon these plates, for I desire the room that I may write of the things of God. 1 Nephi 6:3
So he's not going to write pleasing things; he's going to give commandment unto his seed.
Wherefore, the things which are pleasing unto the world I do not write, but the things which are pleasing unto God and unto those who are not of the world. ... Wherefore, I shall give commandment unto my seed. 1 Nephi 6:5-6
And that's all Nephi has to say about that.
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Next episode -- 1 Nephi 7: Oh Fetch! We forgot the fricken women!
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Posted by Steve Wells at 7/01/2010 09:26:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Dwindling In Unbelief
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28 August 20101 Nephi 12: Those who dwindle in unbelief will become dark, loathsome, filthy, idle, and abominable people
In the last chapter, an angel showed Nephi all the shit his dad saw and much, much more. Nephi saw dad's magic tree, iron rod, large and spacious building, the exceedingly white virgin Mary, Jesus, John the Baptist, the twelve apostles -- pretty much everything that Joseph Smith the angel could think of at the time.
Now, in this chapter, the angel shows Nephi his seed. He'll have tons of seed, as many as the sand of the sea.
And it came to pass that the angel said unto me: Look, and behold thy seed, and also the seed of thy brethren. And I looked and beheld the land of promise; and I beheld multitudes of people, yea, even as it were in number as many as the sand of the sea. 1 Nephi 12:1
Nephi's seed will live in many cities, more cities than can be counted.
And it came to pass that ... I beheld many cities, yea, even that I did not number them. 1 Nephi 12:3
But bad times are coming. Mountains will disintegrate and cities sink and burn.
I saw mountains tumbling into pieces; and I saw the plains of the earth, that they were broken up; and I saw many cities that they were sunk; and I saw many that they were burned with fire; and I saw many that did tumble to the earth, because of the quaking thereof. 1 Nephi 12:4
Then the heavens will open up and Jesus, the Holy Ghost, and the apostles (with their robes made white from being washed in Jesus' blood) will come down to minster to Nephi's seed.
And I saw the heavens open, and the Lamb of God descending out of heaven; and he came down and showed himself unto them. And I also saw ... the Holy Ghost fell upon twelve others... And these twelve ministers whom thou beholdest shall judge thy seed. And, behold, ... their garments are made white in his blood. 1 Nephi 12:6-10
But Nephi's seed will fight his brethren's seed.
And while the angel spake these words, I beheld and saw that the seed of my brethren did contend against my seed, according to the word of the angel; and because of the pride of my seed, and the temptations of the devil, I beheld that the seed of my brethren did overpower the people of my seed. And it came to pass that I beheld, and saw the people of the seed of my brethren that they had overcome my seed; and they went forth in multitudes upon the face of the land. 1 Nephi 12:19-20
And it will be awful to look at. Seed fighting seed everywhere. I doubt if there has been so much contending seed in a single paragraph since time began. (It is, perhaps, the seediest passage in all literature, with the possible exception of Ezekiel 23:20.)
Finally, the chapter comes to a thrilling conclusion with the angel showing Nephi what will happen to the seed of his brethren that dwindle in unbelief: they will become a dark, loathsome, filthy, idle, and abominable people.
And the angel said unto me: Behold these shall dwindle in unbelief. And it came to pass that I beheld, after they had dwindled in unbelief they became a dark, and loathsome, and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations. 1 Nephi 12:22-23
(Which, as we'll see later, is the origin of the Native Americans.)
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Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next episode -- 1 Nephi 13 revisited: Satan founded the Catholic church, God blessed America (and cursed the Native Americans) , and the BoM fixed the Bible
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Posted by Steve Wells at 8/28/2010 09:51:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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26 August 2010Frank Schaeffer has a great idea
[T]he best thing a believer in any actual God can do is to admit that a lot of the Bible is hate-filled blasphemy. (Maybe God Rejects the Bible)
What Frank Schaeffer says here is obvious to any believer who has taken the time to read the Bible. Unfortunately, not many believers have done that, and those that have aren't honest enough to admit the obvious.
And believers have another problem, too. 2 Timothy 3:16 -- what Schaeffer calls "the scariest verse in the Bible."
There is a verse in Timothy that says that all Scripture is for our edification. This verse, not the many Bible stories of the many killings "ordained by God," is the scariest verse in the Bible.
But there's a good reason for an honest believer to throw out 1 and 2 Timothy anyway: they're forgeries. They weren't written by Paul as they claim to have been, so they weren't inspired by God (God didn't inspire forgers) and shouldn't have been included in scripture in the first place.
So now that we've disposed of the scariest verse, we can deal with the rest of the Bible.
There is another choice besides rejecting religion outright or adopting an all-the-Bible-is-true fundamentalism, one too rarely made The fact is too few religious people are willing to suffer the loss of approval by their religious leaders, friends and family to make this other choice: embrace faith in God by thinking for themselves and openly reject the parts of one's scriptures outright that fly in the face of fact, compassion and decency.
Reject the parts of scripture outright that fly in the face of fact, compassion and decency.
Amen to that!
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/26/2010 10:09:00 AM 13 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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25 August 2010Douglas Wilson and I now agree on pretty much everything
OK. That might be a bit of an overstatement. But we do seem to agree on pretty much everything that we used to argue about, at least as far as I can tell anyway.
Here is a list of things that Douglas and I now seem to agree on:
No one should be burned alive or stoned to death (with the possible exception of pedophile priests).
Specifically, the following people and acts should not be punished by stoning, as required by the Bible.
Blasphemy or cursing -- Leviticus 24:15-23
Wizards or women with familiar spirits – Leviticus 20:27
Sabbath breakers – Numbers 15:32-36
Stubborn, rebellious, drunken sons – Deuteronomy 21:18-21
A city-dwelling virgin that doesn’t cry out when raped -- Deuteronomy 22:23-24
A woman who isn’t a virgin on her wedding night -- Deuteronomy 22:13-21
People who argue for the existence of another god -- Deuteronomy 13:6-10, 17:2-5
No one should obey God’s command to burn people to death. Specifically, the following people should not be burned to death:
A man, wife, and her mother if they are having an affair, get married, or whatever. – Leviticus 20:14
A priest's daughter that plays the whore – Leviticus 21:9
Homosexuals should not be executed. -- Leviticus 20:13
A Christian should not own slaves, even if they are treated well.
If you've read my previous posts about Douglas Wilson's views, you'll know that this is quite a change. Douglas and I disagreed on all of these items just a few years ago.
And it's possible that we still do. I haven't yet got a clear answer from Douglas on this list of agreements. But I hope to see it soon here.
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October 7, 2010 Update: Doug Wilson and I no longer agree on #5 (slavery).
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/25/2010 01:26:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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24 August 2010Glenn Beck explains how Native Americans became the blood-thirsty savages called "Lamanites" in the Book of Mormon
It's hard for any sane person to watch Glenn Beck. But if you can stand it, here's Glenn claiming that Native Americans are descended from Israelites.
Of course that's not what science says. But that, Glenn tells us, is because science and government have conspired together to hide the truth.
Why would they do that, you wonder? Well, here's what Glenn says (for those of you who can't stomach the video):
Science was colluding with government because of commerce, and religion was involved. Now why do I tell you all this stuff?
...
The history that has been erased in our nation, and in particular with the Native Americans, happened because it didn't fit the story they created: Manifest Destiny. It only works when Indians were savages and they had to have savages for commerce and government to expand. The ancient artifacts prove otherwise. Why aren't we looking into those?
Which explains why science and government hid the truth about the origin of the Native Americans. But what was the religious motive?
Glenn doesn't talk about that, but he knows what it was. Anti-Mormonism.
Most Americans, then and now, reject the Book of Mormon. And, when it comes to the Native Americans, the Book of Mormon explains it all.
Here is a condensed version of the Book of Mormon:
A small group of Israelites traveled by boat to the North America in 600 BCE. There they split into two groups: one good the other bad. The bad ones were called "Lamanites," whose descendants are what we now call Native Americans. The Lamanites fought with and completely wiped out good, fair-skinned "Nephites." God cursed the Lamanites (Native Americans) by darkening their skin and turning them into sinful, blood-thirsty savages.
And he [God] had caused the cursing to come upon them [the Lamanites] ... wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. 2 Nephi 5:21
The Lamanites ... were led by their evil nature that they became wild, and ferocious, and a bloodthirsty people, full of idolatry and filthiness; feeding upon beasts of prey; dwelling in tents, and wandering about in the wilderness with a short skin girdle about their loins and their heads shaven.... And many of them did eat nothing save it was raw meat; and they were continually seeking to destroy us. Enos 1:20
The Lamanites ... were a wild, and ferocious, and a blood-thirsty people. Mosiah 10:11-12
The Lamanites ... were ... sinful and polluted. Mosiah 25:11
So according to Glenn Beck and the Book of Mormon, Native Americans are not just savages -- they're evil, sinful, polluted, wild, filthy, ferocious, blood-thirsty savages. God made them that way by cursing their ancestor, Laman (who was, don't ya know, an Israelite).
Sounds like the perfect story to base Manifest Destiny on, doesn't it?
I wonder why science didn't go for it?
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/24/2010 03:19:00 PM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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22 August 2010The Bible is like a software license
(via The Redheaded Skeptic -- be sure to read her Bible Studies!)
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/22/2010 01:31:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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20 August 20101 Nephi 11: A spirit shows Nephi all the shit his dad saw
Since It's been a while since I've blogged the BOM, I suppose I'd better review what's happened so far in 1 Nephi.
Chapter 1: God tells Lehi and his family to get the hell out of Jerusalem.
Chapter 2: So they travel to Arabia on the shore of the Red Sea.
Chapter 3: But then they remember that they forgot to bring Lehi's brass plates.
Chapter 4: So Lehi's sons return to Jerusalem, murder Laban and steal his plates.
Chapter 5: Lehi reads the plates and finds out that he's a descendant of Joseph.
Chapter 6: Nephi says nothing in particular.
Chapter 7: When they get back their to camp on the Red Sea, they remember that they forgot to bring any women along. So they go back to to Jerusalem get some.
Chapter 8: After they get back from their women-hunting trip, Lehi sees a magic tree and prophesies about Jesus and the apostles and pretty much everything Joseph Smith could think of at the time.
Chapter 9: Nephi names his plates.
Chapter 10: Lehi prophesies about Jesus and John the Baptist 600 years before they were born.
OK, now that we're all caught up, let's see what happens next. (I know the suspense is killing you.)
Well, the first thing that comes to pass is that Nephi ponders his dad's imaginary tree, gets caught up in the spirit of the Lord, and is transported to an exceedingly high mountain.
For it came to pass after I had desired to know the things that my father had seen, and believing that the Lord was able to make them known unto me, as I sat pondering in mine heart I was caught away in the Spirit of the Lord, yea, into an exceedingly high mountain, which I never had before seen, and upon which I never had before set my foot. 1 Nephi 11:1
And then he has a conversation with his new-found spirit friend.
The spirit asked him what he wanted.
And the Spirit said unto me: Behold, what desirest thou? 1 Nephi 11:2
Nephi said he'd like to see some of the shit his dad saw.
And I said: I desire to behold the things which my father saw. 1 Nephi 11:3
The spirit asked Nephi if he believed that his dad saw the tree?
And the Spirit said unto me: Believest thou that thy father saw the tree of which he hath spoken? 1 Nephi 11:4
Nephi said that he believed all the crazy shit his dad said.
And I said: Yea, thou knowest that I believe all the words of my father. 1 Nephi 11:5
When the spirit heard Nephi's words, it started screaming.
And when I had spoken these words, the Spirit cried with a loud voice, saying: Hosanna to the Lord, the most high God; for he is God over all the earth, yea, even above all. And blessed art thou, Nephi, because thou believest in the Son of the most high God; wherefore, thou shalt behold the things which thou hast desired.1 Nephi 11:6-7
The spirit shouted that because Nephi believes in his dad's cool tree, Jesus would come down from heaven to visit him. (Jesus believes in Lehi's tree, too.)
And behold this thing shall be given unto thee for a sign, that after thou hast beheld the tree which bore the fruit which thy father tasted, thou shalt also behold a man descending out of heaven, and him shall ye witness; and after ye have witnessed him ye shall bear record that it is the Son of God. 1 Nephi 11:7
And then it came to pass that the spirit showed Nephi his dad's magic fruit tree. It was exceedingly white, too. It was like the whitest thing he'd ever seen.
And it came to pass that the Spirit said unto me: Look! And I looked and beheld a tree; and it was like unto the tree which my father had seen; and the beauty thereof was far beyond, yea, exceeding of all beauty; and the whiteness thereof did exceed the whiteness of the driven snow. 1 Nephi 11:8
Nephi and the spirit chatted for a while, and then the spirit showed him the virgin Mary. And darn if she wasn't exceedingly white, as well. (Being white is an exceedingly good thing in the Book of Mormon.)
And it came to pass that I looked and beheld the great city of Jerusalem, and also other cities. And I beheld the city of Nazareth; and in the city of Nazareth I beheld a virgin, and she was exceedingly fair and white. 1 Nephi 11:13
After the spirit showed Nephi the exceedingly white tree and virgin, it blathered on a bit about "the condescension of God" and whatnot. Then it told Nephi that the white virgin "is the mother of the Son of God, after the manner of the flesh."
And he said unto me: Behold, the virgin whom thou seest is the mother of the Son of God, after the manner of the flesh. 1 Nephi 11:18
(Does this mean that God the Father had sex with Mary "after the manner of the flesh?")
Then the spirit (or its angel sidekick) showed Nephi all the shit his dad saw and more. Jesus, Mary, John the Baptist, the twelve apostles, Lehi's iron rod, the large and spacious building, angels, devils, the condescension of God, the wisdom of the world -- the works.
And the shit continues to fly into the next chapter. But I'll save that for later.
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Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next episode -- 1 Nephi 12: Those who dwindle in unbelief will become dark, loathsome, filthy, idle, and abominable people
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Posted by Steve Wells at 8/20/2010 09:31:00 AM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 August 2010Blogging the Quran
1: The Opening
The Lord of the Worlds
2: The Cow
1-13: Allah is wise, mysterious, funny
14-24: Produce a surah the like thereof
25-34: Believers get pure companions in heaven, Adam learns the animals' names, and Iblis becomes a disbeliever
35-74: Allah turns Jews into apes and solves a murder mystery with a dead yellow cow
75-105: Little is that which they believe
106-138: Abrogation, proof, and Allah's coloring book
139-158: Changing holy directions (qiblah)
159-189: Hiding the Quran, cursing unbelievers, eating pork, retaliating, the death tax, and Ramadan sex
190-217: Allah's rules for holy warfare
2:218-242 Allah's guide to alcohol, gambling, menstruation, sex, and divorce
2:243-286 Zombie soldiers, Rip Van Winkle, bird talk, and other silly stories
3: The Family Of 'Imran
3:1-200 -- Allah is the best of schemers
4: The Women
4:1-34 Woe to the Women
4:35-80 Fresh skins for Allah's fire
4:81-135 Ponder on the Quran
4:136-176 -- Jesus wasn't really crucified,
it just looked that way
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/18/2010 09:28:00 AM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 August 2010Surah 2:139-158 -- Changing holy directions (qiblah)
One of the peculiar things about Muslims is that they have to pray in a particular direction: toward the Kaaba in Mecca. It is also the direction that the faces of dead Muslims point towards, and the direction that the head of an animal is supposed to be aligned with when slaughtered.
It wasn't always that way, though. Originally Muslims prayed toward Jerusalem. But then, for no apparent reason, Allah told Muhammad to start praying toward a black cube-shaped building in Mecca (the Kaaba). The Kaaba, according to Islamic tradition, was the first building on earth. Built by Adam and re-built later by Abraham and Ishmael, the Kaaba is the direction that all Muslims pray toward five times day, and is the holy site that all Muslims are supposed to visit once in their lifetime.
It's all complete bullshit, of course. There was no Adam to build the Kaaba. Abraham probably didn't exist either, but if he did, he didn't visit Mecca. The stories in Islam are as messed up as they are made up. But that doesn't stop 1.3 billion people from believing them.
Allah changed the holy direction in verse 2:143-144 of the Quran. And he blathers on about it in the rest of the verses in this section of Surah 2.
And We appointed the qiblah which ye formerly observed only that We might know him who followeth the messenger, from him who turneth on his heels. In truth it was a hard (test) save for those whom Allah guided. ... We have seen the turning of thy face to heaven (for guidance, O Muhammad). And now verily We shall make thee turn (in prayer) toward a qiblah which is dear to thee. So turn thy face toward the Inviolable Place of Worship, and ye (O Muslims), wheresoever ye may be, turn your faces (when ye pray) toward it. 2:143-4
But Allah, of course, knew that there would be scoffers (like me) that would complain about Muhammad's arbitrary change of holy directions.
The foolish of the people will say: What hath turned them from the qiblah which they formerly observed? Say: Unto Allah belong the East and the West. He guideth whom He will unto a straight path. 2:142
Yeah, Allah guides whoever the hell he wants on a straight path. And once in a while he changes the direction of the path for no reason whatsoever.
Allah is Responsive, Aware. Arbitrary.
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Bogging the Quran
Surah 2:159-189 -- Hiding the Quran, cursing unbelievers, eating pork, retaliating, the death tax, and Ramadan sex
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Posted by Steve Wells at 8/16/2010 06:25:00 AM 16 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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13 August 2010My conversation with Douglas Wilson
I know, I really should get back to the Book of Mormon and the Quran. But I've found something that's even more fun to do. I'm discussing the Bible with Doug Wilson.
Doug has a blog called Blog and Mablog, and you can find it here. It, of course, is visited mostly by his followers, but anyone can register and comment. And so far at least, all of my comments have been posted.
As you may know, Douglas Wilson has recently become (even more) famous by touring the country with Christopher Hitchens. They even made a movie about it called "Collision" (which I don't recommend, by the way). I've mentioned their online debates and movie before, and I've discussed Doug Wilson's views several times.
OK. So what, you say. Why am I so interested in Doug Wilson's views?
Well, Doug Wilson and I live in the same town (Moscow, Idaho), and people from all over the country (and even the world) move here to the Palouse to join his church. He has a college downtown (New Saint Andrews College) a K-12 school (Logos), a church (Christ Church), several Christ Church businesses, and maybe (I'm guessing here) a thousand or so of Doug's followers in a town of 22,000 or so.
Christ Church is a large enough group to affect our local politics and public school system. But it's not Doug Wilson's followers that bother me: it's Doug Wilson's beliefs.
Doug used to talk openly and often about his beliefs, but ever since news about his pro-slavery book came out, he's stopped doing that. So I honestly don't know what he believes anymore.
So I went to his blog to find out. And I found something that surprised me: an old post from 2005 that was directed at me. So of course, I had to answer that. Here's the post and my reply.
I didn't get a response from that, so I thought I'd try again. In another post, Doug mentioned Philistine foreskins and there's no way I could resist that. (No response on that one either.)
And yesterday, when he began to talk about sodomites, lesbians, and virtual perverts, I just could help but jump in. I got one response from Doug in the form of a parable, along with a dozen or so from his followers. But so far there's been no answer to any of my questions to Doug.
Anyway that's my excuse for not blogging the Quran.
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/13/2010 01:27:00 PM 23 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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11 August 2010Jesus hates you. (So does Douglas Wilson.)
Douglas Wilson doesn't say much (out loud) anymore. But back in the day, before he became famous debating Christopher Hitchens, he used to say the darndest things.
Here, for example, is what he said in his pro-slavery booklet (co-authored in 1996 with Steve Wilkins), Southern Slavery as it Was:
[N]othing is clearer -- the New Testament opposes anything like the abolitionism of our countryprior to the War Between the States. The New Testament contains many instrucitons for Christian slave owners, and requires a respectful submissive demeanor for Christian slaves. See for example, Ephesians 6:5-9, Colossians 3:22-4:1, and 1 Timothy 6:1-5.
...
[I]n this booklet ... we will say (out loud) that a godly man could have been a slave owner. (emphasis in original)
In the last few years, though, Douglas hasn't said much (out loud or in print) about godly Christian slave owners or any of the other interesting things that he apparently still (quietly) believes.
Still, once in a while he slips up and the old Doug slips out.
The Bible teaches that God hates.
...
Not only that, but we cannot take refuge in that famous line about hating the sin but loving the sinner. This text says that God hates the people doing these things, and not just the things that are done.
...
At the Day of Judgment, it will be the sinners that are pitched into Hell, not just their sins. The place where God has made it possible to distinguish sins and sinners is in the cross of Jesus Christ. Because of that, our sins can be taken away from us, and separated from us.
...
But this is not because God decided to stop hating sin. No, He hates sin so much that He poured out His wrath on it, even though the place where that wrath was located was in the person of His Son Jesus Christ. His act of love was also an act of hatred. So they are not opposites. The greatest act of love in the history of the human race was the death of Jesus. But at the same moment, in a different respect, the greatest act of divine hatred was also the cross of Jesus.
So Jesus hates you more than you will ever know. He hates you with the greatest hatred the world has ever known. He hates you even more than Douglas Wilson hates you.
If such a thing is possible, that is.
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/11/2010 10:25:00 AM 12 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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06 August 2010Drunk With Blood: God's killings in the Bible
Now available at Amazon.com
There's something I've wanted to tell you about for a while. It's the reason I haven't been posting much lately. You see, I've been working on a book.
It's a book that was developed here at the blog with input from readers -- who not only corrected my spelling, but helped decide which killings to include and how many victims to count. Thanks to all of you for your help!
The title of the book will not surprise anyone who has been here before. (Drunk With Blood: God's killings in the Bible) It was the title of one of my last posts on God's killings, where I listed 136 killings in my last attempt to count them all. You can find it here.
The book is for sale at Amazon.com and you can browse it a bit at DrunkWithBlood.com. It is also available in kindle form.*
I'm hoping the book will be successful enough to help pay for another book project that I'm now working on: The Skeptic's Annotated Bible. This is going to be a very large (1800+ pages) and expensive book, which I am paying for myself. So if you'd like to help out with that, you can do that by buying a copy of Drunk with Blood. Thanks.
Posted by Steve Wells at 8/06/2010 02:07:00 PM 27 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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02 August 20101 Nephi 10: Lehi proves Jesus wrong by becoming the greatest prophet ever
Jesus said that John the Baptist was the greatest prophet who had ever lived.
For I say unto you, Among those that are born of women there is not a greater prophet than John the Baptist: but he that is least in the kingdom of God is greater than he. Luke 7:28
But that was just because he hadn't yet read the Book of Mormon, so he didn't know about Lehi.
Because when it comes to prophecy, Lehi makes Moses, Muhammad, Jesus, and John the Baptist look like the governing body of the Jehovah's Witnesses.
Here are just some of the things that Lehi prophesied in 600 BCE.
The Babylonian captivity.
He spake unto them concerning the Jews -- That after they should be destroyed, even that great city Jerusalem, and many be carried away captive into Babylon. 1 Nephi 10:2-3
That a Messiah ("or, in other words, the Savior of the world") would come 600 years later.
Yea, even six hundred years from the time that my father left Jerusalem, a prophet would the Lord God raise up among the Jews -- even a Messiah, or, in other words, a Savior of the world. 1 Nephi 10:4
That a prophet would come before the Messiah to "prepare the way of the Lord."
And he spake also concerning a prophet who should come before the Messiah, to prepare the way of the Lord. -- 1 Nephi 10:7
Lehi even know the words that the King James Version translators would put in John the Baptist's mouth 2200 years later.
Yea, even he should go forth and cry in the wilderness: Prepare ye the way of the Lord, and make his paths straight; for there standeth one among you whom ye know not; and he is mightier than I, whose shoe's latchet I am not worthy to unloose. And much spake my father concerning this thing. 1 Nephi 10:8
He knew where John the Baptist would be baptizing. (Bethabara, beyond the Jordan)
And my father said he should baptize in Bethabara, beyond Jordan; and he also said he should baptize with water; even that he should baptize the Messiah with water. And after he had baptized the Messiah with water, he should behold and bear record that he had baptized the Lamb of God, who should take away the sins of the world. 1 Nephi 10:9-10
And that the Messiah (Lehi couldn't quite make out Jesus' name) would be killed by the Jews (who were dwindling in unbelief) and then rise from the dead.
And it came to pass after my father had spoken these words he spake unto my brethren concerning the gospel which should be preached among the Jews, and also concerning the dwindling of the Jews in unbelief. And after they had slain the Messiah, who should come, and after he had been slain he should rise from the dead, and should make himself manifest, by the Holy Ghost, unto the Gentiles. 1 Nephi 10:11
So Jesus was wrong about John the Baptist. Lehi was the greatest prophet in the world.
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Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next episode -- 1 Nephi 11: A spirit shows Nephi all the shit his dad saw
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Posted by Steve Wells at 8/02/2010 09:42:00 AM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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23 September 20101 Nephi 13 revisited: Satan founded the Catholic church, God blessed America (and cursed the Native Americans) , and the BoM fixed the Bible
It’s easy to get distracted by the strange words and phrases in the Book of Mormon and thereby miss the even stranger messages that lurk therein. That’s what happened to me the first time I read chapter 13 of 1 Nephi. (And that's why I'm revising my original post for this chapter. I'm trying to deal with it a little more thoroughly than I did in my first blogging attempt.)
And chapter 13 has some strange phrases. There are eleven “And it came to passes", four “I, Nephis", three “exceedinglys" and one “dwindle in unbelief.” But there’s a lot more to it than that.
I must say, though, that I’d never have understood this chapter without the help of Mormon guides. Luckily I found several sources that reveal the meaning of the angel’s words. (I found this one particularly helpful.)
So I’m going to go through the chapter verse by verse, trying to figure it out as I go along. Let me know if I miss anything.
The angel begins by showing Nephi the "great and abominable church" (the Catholic church) and its founder, the devil.
And the angel said unto me: Behold the … most abominable above all other churches … And it came to pass that I beheld this great and abominable church; and I saw the devil that he was the founder of it. And I also saw gold, and silver, and silks, and scarlets, and fine-twined linen, and all manner of precious clothing; and I saw many harlots. 1 Nephi 13:5-7
Mormons don’t like to talk about this one. The anti-Catholic bigotry is too obvious; it seems more like something an American Protestant might say in the early 19th century that an angel in 600 BCE.
Next, the angel gives Nephi a geography lesson, showing him a Google Earth view of the Old and New Worlds and the “many waters” (Atlantic Ocean) between them. Nephi and his brethren will live on one side of the “many waters” and the “Gentiles” on the other.
I looked and beheld many waters; and they divided the Gentiles from the seed of my brethren 1 Nephi 13:10
The angel told Nephi that “the wrath of God” is upon the seed of his brethren.
The angel said unto me: Behold the wrath of God is upon the seed of thy brethren.1 Nephi 13:11
But Nephi already knew this, since the angel told him in the last chapter that God would darken the skin of some of his brethren (those that became the Native Americans) and make them a dark, loathsome, filthy, idle, and abominable people.
The angel told Nephi that God would select one of the “Gentiles” and send him across the “many waters” to visit his brethren in the “promised land” (America). The Mormons say that the “Gentile” here is Christopher Columbus.
And I looked and beheld a man among the Gentiles, who was separated from the seed of my brethren by the many waters; and I beheld the Spirit of God, that it came down and wrought upon the man; and he went forth upon the many waters, even unto the seed of my brethren, who were in the promised land.1 Nephi 13:12
After Columbus other “Gentiles” will cross the "many waters" – which the Mormons say refers to the Pilgrims arriving at Plymouth Rock in 1620.
I beheld the Spirit of God, that it wrought upon other Gentiles; and they went forth out of captivity, upon the many waters. "1 Nephi 13:13
The angel said that many more Gentiles (Europeans) would cross the ocean to smite Nephi’s brethren (the Native Americans).
I beheld many multitudes of the Gentiles upon the land of promise; and I beheld the wrath of God, that it was upon the seed of my brethren; and they were scattered before the Gentiles and were smitten.1 Nephi 13:14
God would inspire the Europeans (who "were white, and exceedingly fair and beautiful" just like Nephi's descendants before the evil, dark-skinned Lamanites killed them all) to slaughter the Native Americans.
So that’s what happened. God inspired the Europeans to slaughter the Native Americans. And “the Gentiles ... did humble themselves before the Lord; and the power of the Lord was with them.”
The Spirit of the Lord, that it was upon the Gentiles, and they did prosper and obtain the land for their inheritance; and I beheld that they were white, and exceedingly fair and beautiful, like unto my people before they were slain. … The Gentiles ... did humble themselves before the Lord; and the power of the Lord was with them.1 Nephi 13:15-16
Later the “mother Gentiles” (the British) would cross the ocean to fight against the Gentiles that God favored in the American Revolutionary War.
Their mother Gentiles were gathered together upon the waters, and upon the land also, to battle against them1 Nephi 13:17
The power of God was, of course, with the American colonists and his wrath was on the British.
The power of God was with them, and also that the wrath of God was upon all those that were gathered together against them to battle.1 Nephi 13:18
And it has happened just like that in every war since then. God helped the USA win all of its wars. (Except maybe Vietnam.)
The Gentiles that had gone out of captivity were delivered by the power of God out of the hands of all other nations. 1 Nephi 13:19
Then the angel showed Nephi a book that "procedeth out of the mouth of a Jew" (the Bible, which was a lot like the brass plates). The good American white people that God liked so much carried this book around with them.
I beheld a book, and it was carried forth among them ... And he said: Behold it proceedeth out of the mouth of a Jew ... like unto the engravings which are upon the plates of brass. 1 Nephi 13:20-23
The angel told Nephi that the "great and abominable church" (the Catholics) ruined the Bibe by deleting the "plan and most precious parts."
A great and abominable church, which is most abominable above all other churches; for behold, they have taken away from the gospel of the Lamb many parts which are plain and most precious; and also many covenants of the Lord have they taken away. 1 Nephi 13:26
God favors the Americans above everyone else on earth and has made them the most powerful nation on earth, but he will not allow them to completely destroy Nephi's evil brethren (the Native Americans).
The Gentiles who have gone forth out of captivity, and have been lifted up by the power of God above all other nations, upon the face of the land which is choice above all other lands ... The Lord God hath covenanted with thy father that his seed should have for the land of their inheritance; wherefore ... God will not suffer that the Gentiles will utterly destroy the mixture of thy seed.1 Nephi 13:30
The chapter finally ends with the angel explaining how the Book of Mormon and other Mormon scriptures will restore the “plain and precious things” in the Bible that were removed by Satan’s Catholic church. Only by believing in both (Bible and Mormon scriptures) can a person be saved.
These last records, which thou hast seen among the Gentiles, shall establish the truth of the first, which are of the twelve apostles of the Lamb, and shall make known the plain and precious things which have been taken away from them; and shall make known to all kindreds, tongues, and people, that the Lamb of God is the Son of the Eternal Father, and the Savior of the world; and that all men must come unto him, or they cannot be saved.1 Nephi 13:40
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Next episode -- 1 Nephi 14: There are only two churches - the church of God (the Mormons) and the church of the devil (everyone else)
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Posted by Steve Wells at 9/23/2010 12:56:00 PM 10 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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22 September 2010Masturbate to Christine O'Donnell Day
Don Savage has a great idea: A Masturbate to Christine O'Donnell Day! (Or actually 41 days -- every day until the election on November 2nd.)
Christine O'Donnell is the Tea Party wacko who won the Republican nomination for a U.S. Senate seat in Delaware. She is famous for three things: getting her loony ass endorsed by Sarah Palin, viciously gay-baiting her straight primary opponent, and opposing masturbation because it makes the baby Jesus cry.
I'm all for masturbating to Christine O'Donnell, HATEFUCK, but why limit it to one day? So I hereby declare every day between now and November 2 — when O'Donnell's nomination costs the GOP a Senate seat — to be Masturbate to Christine O'Donnell Day. Rub one out for freedom, people!
Still, I think it would be even better to declare a single day for committing adultery (in your heart, so to speak) with Christine O'Donnell. This is something everyone can do by him-or-herself and yet enjoy with millions of others at the same time (with Christine O'D's help, of course).
What do you think? A single day or 41 days? And if a single day, which day would be best?
How about Halloween, since she dabbled in witchcraft? Or October 30, the day of the Rally to Restore Sanity and the March to Keep Fear Alive? I don't know. On the one hand, I wonder if people would be too busy rallying and marching to take care of their O'D business. But on the other hand, it would give those of us who can't attend something else to do.
In any case, whether one day or 41, using one hand or the other, let's all make up our minds to do it together, alone.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/22/2010 10:28:00 AM 9 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 September 2010Who wins the Bible's Quiverfull prize?
Have you heard of the Quiverfull movement? It's a whacked-out group of fundamentalist Christians who try to have as many kids as they can, because they believe that children show God's favor on the men who father them.
The movement takes its name from Psalm 127, which says:
Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them. Psalm 127:3-5
Which got me to thinking. If children are a blessing from God, and happy is the man that has his quiver full of them, which man in the Bible was the happiest? Who had the fullest quiver, so to speak?
So I started with Adam and worked my way through all the quivers in the Bible. But Adam didn't seem too interested in children. His first son (Cain) killed his second son (Abel), yet Adam didn't bother having any more kids for another 130 years or so, when he finally had Seth. He and Eve were diddling for six score and ten years and all he had to show for it was two arrows in his quiver. He lived another 800 years after having Seth, but all the Bible says about it is this: "And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years: and he begat sons and daughters." No names, no numbers, no cigar for Adam.
Well then, maybe one of the patriarchs. Take Methuselah, for example. He lived to be 969, so he must have had lots of kids. But he was a slow starter, waiting until he was 187 before fathering his first son (Lamech). And although the Bible says he had other sons and daughters sometime in the next 782 years, it doesn't name names or give numbers. So forget Methuselah. No prize there either.
How about Methuselah's son, Lamaech? Lamech was the first of a long, proud line of polygamists in the Bible. But even with two wives he couldn't fill his quiver. When he was 182 he had his first son (Noah) and then had the usual nameless sons and daughters sometime in the next 595 years. What the fuck did he do with his wives, anyway?
OK, then what about Lamech's son, Noah? Nope. Noah waited until he was 500 to start a family. But he started with a bang, having three sons in a single year. I'm not sure how he managed that, since there is no mention of twins or triplets and the Bible only mentions one (nameless) wife. Fucking miracles, I guess. Anyway, the Bible doesn't say whether Noah had more children after the flood, though God did tell him and his sons to "be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth" (after God had drowned everyone on it).
What about King David? No one even tried to keep track of all his wives and concubines, so he must have had lots of children. 1 Chronicles 3:1-9 lists 19 sons and one daughter (which ties him with Jim Bob!). David must have had a hard time coming up with so many names because two sons are named Eliphelet and two are named Elishama. I suppose that's one of the hazards of a full quiver. You just can't keep your arrows straight.
Solomon was one of David's sons and he must have had quite a family since he had 700 wives and 300 concubines. If he kept up with the Duggars he'd have about 20,000 arrows in his quiver. But Solomon was the patron saint of birth control. The Bible only mentions one son (Rehoboam) and two daughters. The guy must have never taken his condom off!
It turns out that Solomon's (only?) son, Rehoboam wins the quiverfull prize, depending on how you keep score, that is. Rehoboam, like his dad, was a big-time polygamist, with 18 wives and 60 concubines. But unlike his dad, he used his wives to fill his quiver. And he had a quiverfull by the time he was done -- 88 total: 28 sons and 60 daughters.
But there were a few others that probably beat Rehoboam. Both Gideon and Ahab had 72 sons. But since the Bible doesn't mention their daughters, I guess Rehoboam can keep his prize. (Both sets of sons had unhappy endings: Gideon's 70 sons were murdered by one of their brothers, and Ahab's 70 sons were beheaded by Jehu at God's command.)
And there are several honorable mentions. Ibzan had 30 sons and 30 daughters. Abdon had 40 sons and 30 nephews. Abijah waxed mighty, and married fourteen wives, and begat 22 sons, and 16 daughters. And Jair had 30 sons that rode on 30 ass colts and had 30 cities.
Oh, and Heman (who wasn't quite as wise as Solomon or as happy as Jim Bob Duggar) had 14 sons and 3 daughters.
Here's a little table to keep the quivers straight.
Happy quivering! Name Sons Daughters Total Verse
Rehoboam 28 60 88 2 Chronicles 11:21
Gideon 72 ? At least 72 Judges 8:30, 9:4-5
Ahab 72 ? At least 72 2 Kings 1:16-17, 10:1-7, 9:24-26
Ibzan 30 30 60 Judges 12:9
Abdon 40 ? At least 40 Judges 12:14
Abijah 22 16 38 2 Chronicles 13:21
Jair 30 ? At least 30 Judge 10:3-4
David 19 1 At least 20 1 Chronicles 3:1-9
Heman 14 3 17 1 Chronicles 25:5
For more information on the Quiverfull movement see Vyckie Garrison's blog, No Longer Quivering.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/18/2010 09:41:00 PM 7 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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17 September 2010Solutions for masturbaters
Christine O’Donnell, the 2010 Republican senate nominee from Delaware, was on a crusade during the 90s to stamp out masturbation. Here's what she said about it.
The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. So you can't masturbate without lust.
And I think she's right about that. You can't masturbate without lust. (Go ahead and give it a try.)
And Jesus said that whoever lusts commits adultery.
Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. Matthew 5:27-28
So there you go. Masturbation is adultery.
Now the Bible is clear on what we should do with adulterers (masturbaters).
And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. Leviticus 20:10
So whether you commit adultery with another man's wife or you commit adultery with your own hand, it's all the same to God, Christine O'Donnell, and the Republican Tea Party. You shall surely be put to death.
But there is a way out, if you're man (or woman) enough to do it. Don't commit adultery with your hand; cut if off instead.
If thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Matthew 5:30
When you consider the options, it makes a lot of sense. Masturbation is adultery, adulterers must be executed, and God tortures dead masturbaters forever in hell.
So the next time you're tempted to commit adultery with your own hand, take Jesus and Christine O'Donnell's advice. Cut it off instead (hand, eye, whatever).
Or do as Stephen Colbert suggests and marry your hand!
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Posted by Steve Wells at 9/17/2010 08:01:00 AM 24 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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08 September 2010Don't burn the Quran (or the Bible). Read it.
Nearly half of the world's 6.8 billion people believe (or pretend to believe) in either the Quran or the Bible. Yet few believers have read the book that they claim to believe in. And there's a good reason for that: it is nearly impossible to believe in either book once you have read them.
Go ahead and try it for yourself. If you believe in the Quran, read it (in a language that you understand). Do likewise if you believe in the Bible. Read the book that you claim to believe in and see if you still believe it after you've read it.
Better yet, read them both. Whether you believe in either, both, or neither, the Quran and the Bible are too important to ignore. Read them and then decide for yourself what to think about them.
We need to read these books. And it's hard to read them after they're burned.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/08/2010 11:21:00 AM 32 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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07 September 2010Douglas Wilson: Believers should know and meditate on God's killings
As I mentioned before, Doug Wilson and I seem to agree on everything these days.
Here, for example, is what he said about God's killings in the Bible (emphasis mine).
More than one Israelite man went to worship the golden calf because there was a good prospect there for getting laid. It sort of gave the 'golden calf theology' that little extra appeal. God struck twenty-three thousand of them down because of it. We should be well acquainted with God's treatment of them, along with His destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, His judgment in the Flood, and so forth. These things were written for us as examples, and apparently God thinks them to be effective examples. We must know them and meditate on them.
Doug says that believers should know and meditate on God's killings, yet he conflated two of God's more impressive killings in his post and got the number of victims wrong.
First God killed 3000 people by forcing friends and family members to kill each other to punish them for dancing naked around Aaron's golden calf in Exodus 32:27-28. And then, in a completely separate mass murder, he killed 24,000 (not 23,000) with a plague because some Israelites had sex with Midianite women in Numbers 25:1-9.
Still, I like the way he's thinking. Bible believers should know and meditate on God's killings.
To help them out with that, I've made a list and written a book. I hope they find them useful.
Posted by Steve Wells at 9/07/2010 01:40:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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27 October 2010Tim Profitt, Tea Party Joshua
You've probably heard about Tim Profitt, the Rand Paul coordinator that stomped on the neck and head of a woman protester. If not, here's a video.
In the interview, Mr. Profitt says it was "no big deal." In fact, he thinks the victim, Lauren Valle of MoveOn.org, owes him an apology.
I wonder if he got the idea for his neck stomping from Bible. There's a similar story that involves one of God's special heroes: Joshua.
Here's what Joshua did to his opponents.
And it came to pass, when they brought out those kings unto Joshua, that Joshua called for all the men of Israel, and said unto the captains of the men of war which went with him, Come near, put your feet upon the necks of these kings. And they came near, and put their feet upon the necks of them. Joshua 10:24
But Joshua's captains were reluctant to do it, so Joshua had to encourage them a bit.
And Joshua said unto them, Fear not, nor be dismayed, be strong and of good courage: for thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies against whom ye fight. Joshua 10:25
God himself would put his foot on the necks of all his enemies. So go and do likewise.
And Joshua said unto them, Fear not, nor be dismayed, be strong and of good courage: for thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies against whom ye fight. Joshua 10:25
So Joshua (and God?) put his foot on the kings' necks. Then he killed them and hung their bodies on trees until evening.
And afterward Joshua smote them, and slew them, and hanged them on five trees: and they were hanging upon the trees until the evening. Joshua 10:26
So if Mr. Profitt was inspired by the story in Joshua 10, I'm glad he stopped reading at verse 25.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/27/2010 03:02:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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Current's Wager
If you wear garlic around your neck and vampires don't exist, you have nothing to lose.
But if vampires do exist and you don't have garlic around your neck, you have everything to lose. (About 12 pints of blood, anyway.)
So wearing garlic around your neck for your whole entire life is clearly the safest bet.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/27/2010 08:30:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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24 October 20101 Nephi 16: A group marriage, magic brass ball, and broken steel bow
After Nephi finished preaching to his evil older brothers, they all got down to more important matters.
Like sex.
Remember how Lehi's family left Jerusalem to "go into the wilderness" and somehow ended up more than 400 kilometers away on the shores of the Red Sea; then they remembered they forgot something (Lehi's brass plates), so Nephi and his brothers had to go back to Jerusalem to get them; and then when they got back from that trip (after murdering Laban with God's help and stealing the plates) they remembered that they forgot to bring any women (except for their mom); So they went back to get some?
Well they got some alright (Ishmael's daughters), but they never got around to doing anything with them because Lehi, Nephi, God, and the camp-following angels wouldn't STFU.
So when it finally came to pass that he, Nephi, made an end of his speaking, Nephi, his brothers, and Zoram (Laban's servant) all got married to Ishmael's nameless daughters.
And it came to pass that I, Nephi, took one of the daughters of Ishmael to wife; and also, my brethren took of the daughters of Ishmael to wife; and also Zoram took the eldest daughter of Ishmael to wife. 1 Nephi 16: 7
It was a group wedding with Lehi serving as the Reverend Moon, saying stuff like, "Do you [Nephi, Laman, Lemuel, Sam, Zoram] take what's her name here to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
After getting that all taken care of, God showed Lehi something really interesting.
And it came to pass that as my father arose in the morning, and went forth to the tent door, to his great astonishment he beheld upon the ground a round ball of curious workmanship; and it was of fine brass. And within the ball were two spindles; and the one pointed the way whither we should go into the wilderness. 1 Nephi 16: 10
A magic brass ball of curious workmanship that was designed and made by God himself! God's magic ball had two spindles on it, one pointing the way to go and the other pointing in some other direction.
Here's what it looked like.
So now that they had their magic ball, they packed up camp, gathered seeds of every kind, crossed the River Laman, and took off in whatever direction God's brass ball pointed. After traveling for four days in a SSE direction, they set up camp at a place they called Shazer.
And it came to pass that we did ... take seed of every kind ... across the river Laman. And it came to pass that we traveled for the space of four days, nearly a south-southeast direction, and we did pitch our tents again; and we did call the name of the place Shazer. 1 Nephi 16: 11-13
They followed God's magic ball around for four more days in "the more fertile parts of the wilderness," killing stuff for food with their bows and arrows and slings.
And it came to pass that we did travel for the space of many days, slaying food by the way, with our bows and our arrows and our stones and our slings. And we did follow the directions of the ball, which led us in the more fertile parts of the wilderness. 1 Nephi 16: 15-16
And then it came to pass that Nephi broke his steel bow.
And it came to pass that as I, Nephi, went forth to slay food, behold, I did break my bow, which was made of fine steel. 1 Nephi 16: 18
Of course steel didn't exist at the time, wouldn't work well for a bow anyway, and would be hard to break. But, oh well. This is the Book of Mormon.
Apparently none of the other bows worked either, because after Nephi broke his no one else could kill a thing.
And it came to pass that we did return without food to our families, and being much fatigued, because of their journeying, they did suffer much for the want of food. 1 Nephi 16: 19
So everyone "began to murmur exceedingly." Heck even Nephi's dad Lehi "began to murmur against the Lord."
And it came to pass that Laman and Lemuel and the sons of Ishmael did begin to murmur exceedingly, because of their sufferings and afflictions in the wilderness; and also my father began to murmur against the Lord his God; yea, and they were all exceedingly sorrowful, even that they did murmur against the Lord. 1 Nephi 16: 20
So Nephi made another bow and arrow out of wood and a straight stick.
And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did make out of wood a bow, and out of a straight stick, an arrow; wherefore, I did arm myself with a bow and an arrow, with a sling and with stones. And I said unto my father: Whither shall I go to obtain food? 1 Nephi 16: 23a
But Nephi didn't know where to hunt with his new bow. So he asked his dad (when he had stopped murmuring).
And I said unto my father: Whither shall I go to obtain food? 1 Nephi 16: 23b
Lehi inquired of the Lord (Hey God. Where should we go to kill some animals?) Then voice of the Lord came to Lehi telling him to look on the magic ball where he'd find a text message from God.
And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came unto my father; and he was truly chastened because of his murmuring against the Lord, insomuch that he was brought down into the depths of sorrow. And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord said unto him: Look upon the ball, and behold the things which are written. 1 Nephi 16: 25-26
And it came to pass that when they saw the text message from God they did fear and tremble exceedingly.
And it came to pass that when my father beheld the things which were written upon the ball, he did fear and tremble exceedingly 1 Nephi 16: 27
Now the magic brass ball didn't work like a magic 8 ball. Magic 8 balls work all of the time for everyone, whereas the brass ball only works if you believe it will work. And, of course, Nephi believed anything and everything, the crazier the better.
And it came to pass that I, Nephi, beheld the pointers which were in the ball, that they did work according to the faith and diligence and heed which we did give unto them. 1 Nephi 16: 28
So the pointers pointed in just the right directions if you believed that they pointed in just the right directions.
But the coolest thing of all was the text messages. They "changed from time to time" according to the faith of the person reading the message.
And there was also written upon them a new writing, which was plain to be read, which did give us understanding concerning the ways of the Lord; and it was written and changed from time to time, according to the faith and diligence which we gave unto it. And thus we see that by small means the Lord can bring about great things. 1 Nephi 16: 29
The message on the brass ball told Nephi to go to the top of the mountain.
And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did go forth up into the top of the mountain, according to the directions which were given upon the ball. 1 Nephi 16: 30
So Nephi went to the mountain top and killed wild beasts.
And it came to pass that I did slay wild beasts, insomuch that I did obtain food for our families. 1 Nephi 16: 31
(Stay with me here. The chapter's almost done, I promise.)
After eating the wild beasts, they traveled many days.
And it came to pass that we did again take our journey, traveling nearly the same course as in the beginning; and after we had traveled for the space of many days we did pitch our tents again, that we might tarry for the space of a time. 1 Nephi 16: 33
Then Ishmael dies, his daughters mourn exceedingly, and Nephi's brothers and Ishmael's sons decide to kill Nephi and Lehi.
And it came to pass that Ishmael died, and was buried in the place which was called Nahom. And it came to pass that the daughters of Ishmael did mourn exceedingly ... And Laman said unto Lemuel and also unto the sons of Ishmael: Behold, let us slay our father, and also our brother Nephi. 1 Nephi 16: 34-37
But then "the voice of the Lord came and did speak many words unto them" and gave them some food. So they decided not to kill Nephi and Lehi.
And it came to pass that ... the voice of the Lord came and did speak many words unto them ... did bless us again with food, that we did not perish. 1 Nephi 16: 37
And with that the chapter finally comes to an end.
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Blogging the Book of Mormon
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22 October 2010Surah 2:190-217 -- Allah's Rules for Holy Warfare
In this section, Allah lays down the rules of war for the religion of peace.
The first rule is that you must "fight in the way of Allah," but only against those that fight against you, and, even then, you can't start the war yourself. So preemptive war is out for Muslims.
Fight in the way of Allah against those who fight against you, but begin not hostilities. Lo! Allah loveth not aggressors. 2:190
I'm confused by the next verse, though. "Slay them wherever you find them." Who is the "them" here? Disbelievers? Those that "persecute" Muslims? Soldiers and civilians? In warfare and in acts of terrorism?
And slay them wherever ye find them, and drive them out of the places whence they drove you out, for persecution is worse than slaughter. ... Such is the reward of disbelievers. 2:191
But whomever it is that Allah wants you to kill, you're supposed to stop killing them if they stop doing whatever it was (fighting with you, persecuting Islam, being disbelievers?) that you were busy killing them for. Allah is Forgiving, Merciful, Confusing.
But if they desist, then lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. 2:192
Or maybe not. Now Allah says that you must keep fighting until there is no more persecution and everyone on earth is a Muslim. Then you can stop killing people.
And fight them until persecution is no more, and religion is for Allah. 2:193a
Well, not quite, I guess. If there are any wrong-doers around after you've killed off all the disbelievers, persecutors and aggressors, then you'll have to kill them too.
But if they desist, then let there be no hostility except against wrong-doers. 2:193b
Whatever nasty stuff people do to you in war, you must do to them. Rape for rape, genocide for genocide, torture for torture. Allah is with those who fight evil with evil.
The forbidden month for the forbidden month, and forbidden things in retaliation. And one who attacketh you, attack him in like manner as he attacked you. Observe your duty to Allah, and know that Allah is with those who ward off (evil). 2:194
Always remember that "warfare is ordained for you." Allah wants you to fight in wars. You probably don't want to, but Allah thinks it's good for you. And Allah knows best.
Warfare is ordained for you, though it is hateful unto you; but it may happen that ye hate a thing which is good for you, and it may happen that ye love a thing which is bad for you. Allah knoweth, ye know not. 2:216
It's you and your religion against them and theirs. They won't stop fighting until they make you a "renegade from your religion" and if they succeed in that so you die in disbelief, Allah will burn you forever in the Fire.
... persecution is worse than killing. And they will not cease from fighting against you till they have made you renegades from your religion, if they can. And whoso becometh a renegade and dieth in his disbelief: such are they whose works have fallen both in the world and the Hereafter. Such are rightful owners of the Fire: they will abide therein. 2:217
So get out there an fight in the way of Allah
(or he'll burn you forever in the Fire after you die).
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Bogging the Quran
2:218-242: Allah's guide to alcohol, gambling, menstruation, sex, and divorce
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Posted by Steve Wells at 10/22/2010 01:16:00 PM 15 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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15 October 20101 Nephi 15: Nephi explains his dad's magic tree (again)
Remember back in chapter 8 when Lehi had a dream about a tree? Yeah, well, it's back again. And this time it's causing all sorts of trouble for Nephi's brothers.
You see, they just couldn't figure it all out. What was it, anyway? And who cares? A crazy old man dreams about a tree and they're supposed to believe it has some cosmic significance, some deep spiritual meaning?
Well, yes they are. This is the Book of Mormon after all.
And it came to pass that after I, Nephi, had been carried away in the spirit, and seen all these things, I returned to the tent of my father.
And it came to pass that I beheld my brethren, and they were disputing one with another concerning the things my father had spoken unto them.
...
And it came to pass that after I had received strength I spake unto my brethren, desiring to know of them the cause of their disputations.
And they said: Behold, we cannot understand the words which our father hath spoken concerning the natural branches of the olive-tree, and also concerning the Gentiles. 1 Nephi 15:1-7
Of course the main problem with Nephi's brothers was that they didn't inquire of the Lord enough. It's nearly impossible to believe complete and obvious bullshit without God's help.
And I [Nephi] said unto them: Have ye inquired of the Lord?
And they said unto me: We have not. 1 Nephi 15:8-9
Another reason they didn't believe the stuff about the tree is that they were such evil bastards. They didn't follow the commandments and their hearts were way too hard.
Behold, I [Nephi] said unto them: How is it that ye do not keep the commandments of the Lord? How is it that ye will perish, because of the hardness of your hearts? Do ye not remember the things which the Lord hath said? -- If ye will not harden your hearts, and ask me in faith, believing that ye shall receive, with diligence in keeping my commandments, surely these things shall be made known unto you. 1 Nephi 15:10-11
So Nephi explained it all to them again. The grafting of the branches thing is all about Joseph Smith who will (2423 years later) find and translate the golden plates and thereby produce the Book of Mormon that will bring "the fulness of the gospel" to the Gentiles. (And if that isn't perfectly obvious to you, you are an evil bastard that hasn't inquired of the Lord.)
And now, the thing which our father meaneth concerning the grafting in of the natural branches through the fulness of the Gentiles, is, that in the latter days, when our seed shall have dwindled in unbelief, yea, for the space of many years, and many generations after the Messiah shall be manifested in body unto the children of men, then shall the fulness of the gospel of the Messiah come unto the Gentiles, and from the Gentiles unto the remnant of our seed. 1 Nephi 15:13
Nephi says that someday the Native Americans (who centuries later will become a dark, loathsome, filthy, idle, and abominable people for dwindling in unbelief) will all become Mormons and be saved. (I suppose God will then make them fair , white, and delightsome like good Mormons are today.)
And at that day shall the remnant of our seed know that they are of the house of Israel, and that they are the covenant people of the Lord; and then shall they know and come to the knowledge of their forefathers, and also to the knowledge of the gospel of their Redeemer, which was ministered unto their fathers by him; wherefore, they shall come to the knowledge of their Redeemer and the very points of his doctrine, that they may know how to come unto him and be saved. 1 Nephi 15:14
Nephi goes on to explain the tree, iron rod, and river to his hard-hearted evil brothers.
And it came to pass that I did speak many words unto my brethren, that they were pacified and did humble themselves before the Lord. 1 Nephi 15:20
But I'm going to skip all that. Nephi and I told you about it once before, and once was once too many.
But there is something new in Nephi's spiel. It's all about filthiness.
It goes like this: If your works are filthy, then you are filthy. And if you're filthy, you can't go to heaven because you'd make God's kingdom filthy.
Wherefore, if they should die in their wickedness they must be cast off also ... to be judged of their works; and if their works have been filthiness they must needs be filthy; and if they be filthy it must needs be that they cannot dwell in the kingdom of God; if so, the kingdom of God must be filthy also. 1 Nephi 15:33
But, you see, the kingdom of God isn't filthy, so God had to make a filthy place to put filthy people like you in after you die.
But behold, I say unto you, the kingdom of God is not filthy, and there cannot any unclean thing enter into the kingdom of God; wherefore there must needs be a place of filthiness prepared for that which is filthy. 1 Nephi 15:34
And that filthy place is hell. "And the devil is the preparator of it." (Joseph Smith liked to make up words just like Sarah Palin!)
And there is a place prepared, yea, even that awful hell of which I have spoken, and the devil is the preparator of it 1 Nephi 15:35
And thus it is and so on and so forth. Amen.
And thus I spake unto my brethren. Amen. 1 Nephi 15:36
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Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next Episode: 1 Nephi 16 -- A group marriage, magic brass ball, and broken steel bow
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Posted by Steve Wells at 10/15/2010 11:24:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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14 October 2010Dabbling with Christianity: Christine O'Donnell is both Catholic and Protestant
We all know that Christine O'Donnell "dabbled into witchcraft" back in the 90s. But her religious views have matured since then; now she is a Catholic and an Evangelical Protestant.
Someone should ask her how that is possible.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/14/2010 09:34:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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12 October 2010Surah 2:159-189 -- Hiding the Quran, cursing unbelievers, eating pork, retaliating, the death tax, and Ramadan sex
The section begins in the usual way. Allah repeats his threats and curses for non-believers, as he does throughout the Quran. Believe whatever Allah revealed to Muhammad or Allah torture you forever after you die.
Lo! Those who hide the proofs and the guidance which We revealed, after We had made it clear to mankind in the Scripture: such are accursed of Allah and accursed of those who have the power to curse. 2:159
This verse is a bit different than most, though. Allah will curse those who "hide the proofs and the guidance" that he revealed. But how can you hide things that don't exist? There are no proofs anywhere in the Quran and whatever guidance is there is almost always bad.
But it gives me an idea, though. Maybe instead of a "Burn the Quran Day" we should have a "Hide the Quran Day." Put it where the sun doesn't shine.
In any case, since I do my best to expose the Quran for the vicious bullshit that it is, I suppose verse 159 would apply to me. But verses 161-2 apply to everyone who disbelieves in the Quran, for whatever reason. They are cursed by Allah, the angels, and men combined.
So every good Muslim man must join Allah and the angels in cursing nonbelievers.
Lo! Those who disbelieve, and die while they are disbelievers; on them is the curse of Allah and of angels and of men combined. They ever dwell therein. The doom will not be lightened for them, neither will they be reprieved. 2:161-2
Whoever hides the Quran will get fire in his belly. (So that's where I got the fire in my belly!) And after they die they will get that painful doom that Allah is always promising in the Quran. "How constant are they in their strife to reach the Fire!"
Lo! those who hide aught of the Scripture which Allah hath revealed and purchase a small gain therewith, they eat into their bellies nothing else than fire. ... Theirs will be a painful doom. Those are they who purchase error at the price of guidance, and torment at the price of pardon. How constant are they in their strife to reach the Fire! 2:174-5
Yeah, that's right Allah. We unbelievers are just begging to have our skins burned off repeatedly after we die. It's about all we ever think about.
After Allah curses and threatens the unbelievers, he calls them names, like deaf, dumb, blind, and senseless.
The likeness of those who disbelieve (in relation to the messenger) is as the likeness of one who calleth unto that which heareth naught except a shout and cry. Deaf, dumb, blind, therefore they have no sense.2:171
Then Allah gets tired of cursing, threatening, and name-calling, and he gets down to some more practical matters. Don't eat carrion, blood, pork, or animals that have been sacrificed to other gods.
He hath forbidden you only carrion, and blood, and swineflesh, and that which hath been immolated to (the name of) any other than Allah. 2:173
And then he says something nice for a change.
Giveth wealth ... to kinsfolk and to orphans and the needy and the wayfarer and to those who ask, and to set slaves free ... and payeth the poor-due. 2:177
"Set the slaves free." Does this mean that slavery is forbidden in the Quran? Don't ask me, I'm just one of those deaf, dumb, blind, senseless, and cursed unbelievers.
But I guess not. The next verse answers the question.
O ye who believe! Retaliation is prescribed for you in the matter of the murdered; the freeman for the freeman, and the slave for the slave, and the female for the female. ... He who transgresseth after this will have a painful doom. 2:178
If someone murders your slave, then you get to kill one of his. If it was a male that was killed, you kill one of the killer's male slaves. If a female, you kill a female. Murder for murder. Slave for slave. It all works out swell with Allah's wondrous rules. (Oh, and if you don't follow them, you'll have the usual painful doom.)
And there is life for you in Allah's magic retaliation. It helps to ward off evil. (It works like a rabbit's foot or something.)
And there is life for you in retaliation, O men of understanding, that ye may ward off (evil). 2:179
The Republicans should like the next verse, though. It forbids what Tea Baggers they like to call the "death tax." So when rich Muslims die, they must leave all of their wealth to their families.
It is prescribed for you, when death approacheth one of you, if he leave wealth, that he bequeath unto parents and near relatives in kindness. (This is) a duty for all those who ward off (evil). 2:180
The section ends with rules for fasting and Ramadan, which are too boring to go through. But all Muslims must follow them "to ward off evil."
The good news is that it's OK to have sex with your wives during Ramadan (at least after sunset). In fact you must "hold intercourse with them." All of them. It is your sacred Muslim duty.
It is made lawful for you to go in unto your wives on the night of the fast. They are raiment for you and ye are raiment for them. ... So hold intercourse with them. 2:87
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Bogging the Quran
2: 190-217 -- Allah's rules for holy warfare
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Posted by Steve Wells at 10/12/2010 11:18:00 AM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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10 October 2010Forget Jesus. The stars died so you could live.
That's just one of the many great quotes from this Lawrence Krauss lecture.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/10/2010 12:05:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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09 October 20101 Nephi 14: There are only two churches - the church of God (the Mormons) and the church of the devil (everyone else)
Nephi's angel finally stops talking in this chapter. But he saved his best stuff for last.
Once again it's important to keep in mind the historical context of the angel's revelations to Nephi. This was 600 BCE, before most of the books in the Hebrew scriptures were written, about 700 years before the Christian New Testament existed, nearly 1000 years before the canon of the Christian Bible was established, and 2423 years before Joseph Smith found his golden plates. Yet the angel refers to, and often quotes from, all of these sources.
The angel starts off by giving all of you "gentiles" out there in "the promised land" a bit of hope. ("Gentiles" are non-Mormons and "the promised land" is the United States in Mormon-speak).
And it shall come to pass, that if the Gentiles shall hearken unto the Lamb of God ... And harden not their hearts against the Lamb of God, they shall be numbered among the seed of thy father; yea, ... and they shall be a blessed people upon the promised land forever. 1 Nephi 14:1-2
All you have to do is become a Mormon and then everything will be cool. Otherwise -- well, you probably know what the otherwise is, but if not, just wait a few verses and the angel will tell you.
Remember the "great and abominable church founded by the devil" (the Catholic church) that the angel went on and on about in the last chapter? Well, it's back. And this time it's dug a pit, with the devil's help, to lead folks down to hell.
And that great pit, which hath been digged for them by that great and abominable church, which was founded by the devil and his children, that he might lead away the souls of men down to hell. 1 Nephi 14:3
So if you're a gentile, you've only got two choices: become a Mormon or fall into the Catholic pit that leads to hell.
And it came to pass that the angel spake unto me, Nephi, saying: Thou hast beheld that if the Gentiles repent it shall be well with them ... [but] whoso repenteth not must perish. Therefore, wo be unto the Gentiles if it so be that they harden their hearts against the Lamb of God. 1 Nephi 14:5-6
Next, the angel tells Nephi that the lamb of God (Jesus) says that the time will come (2423 years later) when a 17 year old treasure digger from New York (Joseph Smith) will find some golden plates and translate them by staring into his hat at some magic rocks thereby producing the "great and marvelous work" that we now know as the Book of Mormon and that you and I now have the great pleasure of reading.
This book is, according to the angel, the best and most important book by far that you, me, or anyone else will ever read. And we'll be tortured forever after we die unless we believe it.
For the time cometh, saith the Lamb of God, that I will work a great and a marvelous work among the children of men; a work which shall be everlasting, either on the one hand or on the other -- either to the convincing of them unto peace and life eternal, or unto the deliverance of them to the hardness of their hearts and the blindness of their minds unto their being brought down into captivity, and also into destruction, both temporally and spiritually, according to the captivity of the devil, of which I have spoken. 1 Nephi 14:7
Then the angel shows Nephi the Catholic church again.
And it came to pass that he said unto me: Look, and behold that great and abominable church, which is the mother of abominations, whose founder is the devil. 1 Nephi 14:9
And then the angel says something completely different. He tells Nephi that there aren't many churches (there weren't any churches at the time, of course), there are only two churches: God's and Satan's. Lutherans, Presbyterians, Jehovah's Witnesses, Unitarians, whatever -- they're all the same. They all belong to "that great church, which is the mother of abominations ... the whore of all the earth that sat upon many waters."
All non-Mormons are God-damned Catholics in the eyes of God.
And he said unto me: Behold there are save two churches only; the one is the church of the Lamb of God, and the other is the church of the devil; wherefore, whoso belongeth not to the church of the Lamb of God belongeth to that great church, which is the mother of abominations; and she is the whore of all the earth. And it came to pass that I looked and beheld the whore of all the earth, and she sat upon many waters; and she had dominion over all the earth, among all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people. 1 Nephi 14:10-11
Then the angel showed Nephi the Mormon church. There weren't many Mormons, though, because of that fucking whore that sat on many waters.
And it came to pass that I beheld the church of the Lamb of God, and its numbers were few, because of the wickedness and abominations of the whore who sat upon many waters; nevertheless, I beheld that the church of the Lamb, who were the saints of God, were also upon all the face of the earth; and their dominions upon the face of the earth were small, because of the wickedness of the great whore whom I saw. 1 Nephi 14:12
God hated pretty much everyone on earth (they were all just a bunch of Catholics to him) until the Mormons showed up.
And it came to pass that I beheld that the wrath of God was poured out upon that great and abominable church, insomuch that there were wars and rumors of wars among all the nations and kindreds of the earth. And as there began to be wars and rumors of wars among all the nations which belonged to the mother of abominations, the angel spake unto me, saying: Behold, the wrath of God is upon the mother of harlots; and behold, thou seest all these things -- And when the day cometh that the wrath of God is poured out upon the mother of harlots, which is the great and abominable church of all the earth, whose founder is the devil, then, at that day, the work of the Father shall commence. 1 Nephi 14:15-17
Then the angel told Nephi to look over there. You see that guy in the white robe? That's the apostle John who will write the Book of Revelation about 700 years from now. (Which doesn't make a lot of sense since the apostle John didn't write Revelation, but oh well.)
And it came to pass that the angel spake unto me, saying: Look! And I looked and beheld a man, and he was dressed in a white robe. And the angel said unto me: Behold one of the twelve apostles of the Lamb. ... he shall also write concerning the end of the world. ... And I, Nephi, heard and bear record, that the name of the apostle of the Lamb was John, according to the word of the angel. 1 Nephi 14:18-22, 27
The white-robed guy will write things that are just and true just like everything else that is written in "the book that proceeded out of the mouth of the Jew." ("The book that prceeded out of the mouth of the Jew" is BoM-speak for the Bible.)
Wherefore, the things which he shall write are just and true; and behold they are written in the book which thou beheld proceeding out of the mouth of the Jew; and at the time they proceeded out of the mouth of the Jew, or, at the time the book proceeded out of the mouth of the Jew, the things which were written were plain and pure, and most precious and easy to the understanding of all men. 1 Nephi 14:23
And that's all Nephi is going to say about that. The angel won't let him say any more. So don't ask. But the angel showed Nephi lots of other cool stuff that he can't tell you about right now.
And behold, I, Nephi, am forbidden that I should write the remainder of the things which I saw and heard; wherefore the things which I have written sufficeth me; and I have written but a small part of the things which I saw. 1 Nephi 14:28
Finally the angel stopped talking and Nephi quit writing down the things that he saw while he got all carried away. But it's all true. And thus it is. Amen. 10-4 good buddy. Over and out.
And now I make an end of speaking concerning the things which I saw while I was carried away in the spirit; and if all the things which I saw are not written, the things which I have written are true. And thus it is. Amen. 1 Nephi 14:30
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Posted by Steve Wells at 10/09/2010 12:53:00 PM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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08 October 2010Unitarian Sex: Doug Wilson explains why masturbation is wrong
I know, I've been spending way too much time with Doug Wilson. People are beginning to talk. But I can't help it. He's such a fun guy to hang out with.
Doug's latest post explains why masturbation is so dreadfully wrong. It has to do with Jesus and the church.
It goes like this.
Jesus never married, not when he was alive anyway. But later on, after he was dead, he married the church. And he and the church have been doing what comes naturally to normal heterosexual couples ever since.
Now if a man (Who gives a shit about women?) has sex with himself, well, that's like Jesus having sex, not with the church, but with himself. Which is really kind of creepy. And after Jesus has Unitarian sex with himself, he has to cut off his hand or pluck out his eye, or maybe even stone himself to death. (And he's already dead.) You wouldn't want to see that happen, now would you?
So remember, every time you masturbate, Jesus does too -- and then he stones himself to death after cutting off his hand and plucking out an eye. Think about that while you're masturbating to Christine O'Donnell!
Here's Doug's quote. It sounds so much better the way he says it.
And all men, single or married, should recognize that solitary sex is not the normative biblical pattern. Recalling that the love between a man and woman is a picture of Christ and the church, we should note that, quite apart from the moral and self-discipline issues involved, masturbation is lousy theology.
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Randomdude123, whose comment I mistakenly deleted (I've asked him to repost), has brought up an important point. Jesus is the husband and the church is his bride. So when a male member of the church masturbates, Jesus is like Christine O'Donnell saying, "Why am I here?" Jesus wants to have sex with you, but you're busy having UU sex with yourself.
But that would be a good thing, wouldn't it? If Jesus has sex with a male church member, then we'd have to kill him according to Leviticus 20:13. So by masturbating you are saving Jesus. Or something like that.
If you want to know for sure, go ask Doug.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/08/2010 03:25:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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06 October 2010The Moral Landscape: Get off your ass scientists
OK. That’s not really the title to the book. It was Jon Stewart’s suggested title during his interview of Sam Harris on the Daily Show. But as Sam said, it would have made a good subtitle.
It’s time for us all (scientists and non-scientists) to get off our asses and get to work.
For too long the semi-official position among scientists and other otherwise reasonable people has been this with regard to morality: Science has nothing to say about it. But it does. In fact, it is the only way we have of getting our morals right.
Obi-Wan Kenobi isn’t our only hope. Science is.
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Sam Harris
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Rally to Restore Sanity
It was an interesting interview, but the part I liked best was this:
The God of Abraham gets slavery wrong. Slavery is probably the easiest moral question we’ve ever had to face. And if this book [the Bible] was written by an omniscient deity, the true source of moral wisdom in the universe, it should at least get the question of whether it’s right to own people and treat them like farm equipment right. It doesn’t get that question right. The God of Abraham clearly expects us to keep slaves.
One of the reasons I haven't been posting much lately is that I've been harassing Doug Wilson at his blog. (The other is that I'm reading Sam Harris' new book.) I've especially been pestering him on the issue of slavery, which he used to call "a wonderful issue" about which "the Bible speaks most directly, again and again."
Here’s what he said in Southern Slavery As It Was.
The reason why many Christians will be tempted to dismiss the arguments presented in this booklet is that we will say (out loud) that a godly man could have been a slave owner. But this "inflammatory" position is the very point upon which the Bible speaks most directly, again and again. In other words, more people will struggle with what we are saying at the point where the Bible speaks most clearly. There is no exegetical vagueness here.
...
This entire issue of slavery is a wonderful issue upon which to practice. Our humanistic and democratic culture regards slavery in itself as a monstrous evil, and it acts as though this were self-evidently true. The Bible permits Christians to own slaves, provided they are treated well. You are a Christian. Whom do you believe?
I'm trying to find out if Mr. Wilson still believes that slavery is "wonderful issue." I'm guessing that he doesn't, since he no longer likes to talk (out loud) about it.
I wonder if he agrees more now with the Bible or with Sam Harris?
I'll let you know if I get an answer.
(I recommend that you all visit Doug's blog. But if you do, be nice. Don't call the folks over there ignorant sluts. That really makes them mad.)
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October 7th Update: Apparently Doug Wilson's view of slavery hasn't changed, at least it was the same in 2005 when he published Black and Tan. Here are some excepts.
The reason why many Christians will be tempted to dismiss the arguments presented here is that I am saying (out lout) that a godly man in 1850 could have been a slave owner. But this “inflammatory” position is the very point where the Bible speaks most directly, again and again. p.46
…
This entire issue of slavery is a wonderful issue upon which to practice. Our humanistic and democratic culture regards slavery in itself as a monstrous evil, malum in se, and it acts as though this were self-evidently true. The Bible permits Christians in slave-owning cultures to own slaves, provided they are treated well. You are a Christian. Whom do you believe? p.46
…
The radical abolitionist maintained that slave-owning was inherently evil under any circumstances. But in this matter, the Christians who owned slaves in the South were on firm scriptural ground. May a Christian own slaves, even when this makes him part of a larger pagan system which is not fully scriptural, or perhaps not scriptural at all? Provided he owns them in conformity to Christ’s laws governing such situations, the Bible is clear that under such conditions Christians may own slaves. p.51
…
The bible teaches that a man may be a faithful Christian and a slave-owner in a pagan slave system. p.52
…
As far as the apostle [Paul] was concerned, nothing can be plainer than the fact that a Christian could simultaneously be a slave owner and a member in good standing of the Christian church. p.52
…
But apart from the slave trade, in a slave-holding society owning slaves per se was not an abomination. The Bible does not condemn it outright, and those who believe the Bible are bound to refrain in the same way. p.55
…
It is time for us to stand and declare the truth about slavery and to expose the failures of the abolitionist worldview.p.58
…
When we set aside the teaching of Scripture on slavery, and begin to equivocate on what the Bible actually teaches, it was soon discovered that nonbelievers would not let us get away with it. It turns out that there are actual non-Christians out there who have read the Bible and who know what it says. p.62
So I guess Doug Wilson and I don't agree on everything anymore.
Posted by Steve Wells at 10/06/2010 01:09:00 PM 13 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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25 November 201050 reasons to be ashamed (and not a fan) of Jesus
There's a group in the United States called Not a Fan that encourage Christians to show that they aren't ashamed of Jesus (no matter how badly he behaved in the gospels) by being not just fans, but fanatics.
But every believer should be ashamed of Jesus and no one should be his fan. It's time for us all to defriend him.
Here are some reasons to be ashamed (and not a fan) of Jesus.
He told his followers to hate their families.
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26
He came to break apart families.
I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. Matthew 10:35-36
The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. Luke 12:51-53
He insisted that his followers love him more than anyone else (including their families).
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matthew 10:37
He encouraged people to abandon their home and family for his name's sake.
And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. Matthew 19:29, Mark 10:29-30, Luke 18:29-30
He was rude to his own family.
Then one said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, desiring to speak with thee. But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren? And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! Matthew 12: 47-49, Mark 3:31-34, Luke 8:20-21
He was dismissive of other people's feelings toward their families.
And another of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. But Jesus said unto him, Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead. Matthew 8:21-22, Luke 9:59-62
He discouraged marriage.
They which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage. Luke 20:35
He was a hypocrite. He told his followers not to call anyone a fool.
Whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. Matthew 5:22
Yet he often called his critics and disciples fools.
Ye fools and blind. Matthew 23:17, 19
Ye fools. Luke 11:40
O fools, and slow of heart to believe. Luke 24:25
He encouraged his followers to mutilate themselves to avoid hell.
Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out ... And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Matthew 5:28-30
If thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire. Matthew 18:8-9
And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off ... And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off ... And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire: Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9:43-48
He encouraged men to castrate themselves.
There are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it. Matthew 19:12
He approved of God's killings in the Bible.
And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words ... It shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of judgment, than for that city. Matthew 10:14-15
But as the days of Noe were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Matthew 24:37
As it was in the days of Noe, so shall it be also in the days of the Son of man ... the flood came, and destroyed them all. Likewise also as it was in the days of Lot ... the same day that Lot went out of Sodom it rained fire and brimstone from heaven, and destroyed them all ... Remember Lot's wife. Luke 17:26-32
As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of man be lifted up: John 3:14
He believed in the Old Testament's stories.
But as the days of Noe were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Matthew 24:37, Luke 17:27
But the same day that Lot went out of Sodom it rained fire and brimstone from heaven, and destroyed them all. ... Remember Lot's wife. Luke 17:29-32
For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth. Matthew 12:40
He accepted Old Testament laws.
Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil. Matthew 5:17
He criticized the Pharisees for not killing parent-cursing children.
God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death. Matthew 15:4
Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death. Mark 7:10
He and his dad plan to torture billions of people forever after they die.
Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Matthew 7:19
Fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Matthew 10:28
The Son of man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity; And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Matthew 13:41-42
So shall it be at the end of the world: the angels shall come forth, and sever the wicked from among the just, And shall cast them into the furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Matthew 13:49-50
Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels. Matthew 25:41
And these shall go away into everlasting punishment. Matthew 25:46
He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned. Mark 16:16
Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him. Luke 12: 5
He implied that all Jews are going to hell.
But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Matthew 8:12
He was a false prophet.
Verily I say unto you, Ye shall not have gone over the cities of Israel, till the Son of man be come. Matthew 10:23
Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom. Matthew 16:28, Mark 9:1, Luke 9:27
Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. Matthew 24:34, Mark 13:30, Luke 21:32
Behold, I come quickly. Revelation 3:11, 22:7, 22:11, 22:20
He was a warmonger.
Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. Matthew 10:34, Luke 12:51-53
And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. Revelation 19:11
He was a megalomaniac.
Whosoever therefore shall be ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation; of him also shall the Son of man be ashamed. Mark 8:38
He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God ... he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him. John 3:18, 36
If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned. John 15:16
He condemned cities to dreadful deaths and to the eternal torment of hell because they didn't care for his preaching.
Woe unto thee, Chorazin! woe unto thee, Bethsaida! ... And thou, Capernaum ... shalt be brought down to hell ... it shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom in the day of judgment, than for thee. Matthew 11:21-24
Whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear you, when ye depart thence, shake off the dust under your feet for a testimony against them. Verily I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of judgment, than for that city. Mark 6:11
But into whatsoever city ye enter, and they receive you not ... it shall be more tolerable in that day for Sodom, than for that city. Woe unto thee, Chorazin! woe unto thee, Bethsaida! ... And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted to heaven, shalt be thrust down to hell. Luke 10:10-15
He called an entire generation perverse, evil, adulterous vipers.
O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? ... Then certain of the scribes and of the Pharisees answered, saying, Master, we would see a sign from thee. But he answered and said unto them, An evil and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign. Matthew 12:34-39, 16:4
Then Jesus answered and said, O faithless and perverse generation.... 17:17
He invented George W. Bush's false dichotomy.
He that is not with me is against me. Matthew 12:30, Luke 11:230
He approved of torture.
And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses. Matthew 18:34-35
He inspired the Republican Tea Party.
Whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. Matthew 13:12, Mark 4:25
Unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. Matthew 25:29
He believed in an unforgivable sin.
Blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men ... whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come. Matthew 12:31-32, Mark 3:29, Luke 12:10
He spoke in parables to confuse people so he could send them to hell.
And he said unto them, Unto you it is given to know the mystery of the kingdom of God: but unto them that are without, all these things are done in parables: That seeing they may see, and not perceive; and hearing they may hear, and not understand; lest at any time they should be converted, and their sins should be forgiven them. Mark 4:11, Matthew 13:10-15
He believed in a God (himself?) who had his enemies slaughtered in front of him.
But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me. Luke 19:27
He believed in devils, evil eyes, and unclean spirits.
Jesus sent forth, and commanded them, saying ... cast out devils. Matthew 10:5-8
Then was brought unto him one possessed with a devil, blind, and dumb: and he healed him. Matthew 12:22
And Jesus rebuked the devil. Matthew 17:18
And he ... cast out many devils; and suffered not the devils to speak, because they knew him. Mark 1:34
Then he called his twelve disciples together, and gave them power and authority over all devils. Luke 9:1
And unclean spirits, when they saw him, fell down before him, and cried, saying, Thou art the Son of God. And he straitly charged them that they should not make him known. Mark 3:11-12
An evil eye ... defile the man. Mark 7:22-23
But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. Matthew 6:23, Luke 11:34
There was in their synagogue a man with an unclean spirit ... And Jesus rebuked him, saying, Hold thy peace, and come out of him. Mark 1:23-25
He gave them power against unclean spirits. Matthew 10:1
When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none. Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished. Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first. Even so shall it be also unto this wicked generation. Matthew 12:43-45, Luke 11:24-26
He was a bit of a racist.
The woman was a Greek, a Syrophenician by nation; and she besought him that he would cast forth the devil out of her daughter. But Jesus said unto her, Let the children first be filled: for it is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast it unto the dogs. Mark 7:26-27, Matthew 15:22-26
He condemned people to hell for things that their ancestors supposedly did.
Ye are the children of them which killed the prophets. ... Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell? ... Upon you may come all the righteous blood shed upon the earth, from the blood of righteous Abel unto the blood of Zacharias son of Barachias, whom ye slew between the temple and the altar. Matthew 23:31-35
He got kind of gross sometimes.
And he ... put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue. Mark 7:33
He took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his hands upon him, he asked him if he saw ought. Mark 8: 23
He spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay. John 9:6
Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life ... For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me, and I in him ... He that eateth me, even he shall live by me. John 6:53-57
He approved of slavery (or at least didn't object to it) and said that God is like a slave owner who beats his slaves and sells families to pay for debts.
And a certain centurion's servant [slave], who was dear unto him, was sick, and ready to die. And when he heard of Jesus, he sent unto him the elders of the Jews, beseeching him that he would come and heal his servant. ... When Jesus heard these things, he marvelled at him, and turned him about, and said unto the people that followed him, I say unto you, I have not found so great faith, no, not in Israel. And they that were sent, returning to the house, found the servant whole that had been sick. Luke 7:2-10
And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. Luke 12:47
The kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. Matthew 18:23-25
Someday he'll fight against people with a sword sticking out of his mouth.
Repent; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will fight against them with the sword of my mouth. Revelation 2:16
And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. ... And the remnant were slain with the sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth: and all the fowls were filled with their flesh. Revelation 19:15, 21
He threatens to kill children (with death).
I will kill her children with death. Revelation 2:23
He's going to kill billions of people with his sickle.
Upon the cloud one sat like unto the Son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle. ,,, And he that sat on the cloud thrust in his sickle on the earth; and the earth was reaped. ... And the winepress was trodden without the city, and blood came out of the winepress, even unto the horse bridles, by the space of a thousand and six hundred furlongs. Revelation 14:14-20
He unnecessarily killed 2000 pigs.
And there was a good way off from them an herd of many swine feeding. So the devils besought him, saying, If thou cast us out, suffer us to go away into the herd of swine. And he said unto them, Go. And when they were come out, they went into the herd of swine: and, behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters. Matthew 8:30-32
And all the devils besought him, saying, Send us into the swine ... And forthwith Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, (they were about two thousand;) and were choked in the sea. Mark 5:12-13
Then went the devils out of the man, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the lake, and were choked. Luke 8:33
He killed a fig tree by cursing it. (Because it didn't have any fruit that he could eat.)
When he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away. Matthew 21:19
And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if haply he might find any thing thereon: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it, No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever. Mark 11:13-14
He didn't know much about Biology.
It is like a grain of mustard seed, which, when it is sown in the earth, is less than all the seeds that be in the earth: But when it is sown, it groweth up, and becometh greater than all herbs, and shooteth out great branches; so that the fowls of the air may lodge under the shadow of it. Mark 4:31-32
He lied about prayer.
Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. Matthew 17:20
That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith. Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them. Mark 11:23-24
Whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do. John 14:13-14, 15:7, 15:16, 16:23
If ye have faith, and doubt not ... if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. Matthew 21:21-22
If ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye might say unto this sycamine tree, Be thou plucked up by the root, and be thou planted in the sea; and it should obey you. Luke 17:6
He said some stupid things.
All things are possible to him that believeth. Mark 9:23
Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you. Luke 10:19
That which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God. Luke 16:15
Some of you shall they cause to be put to death ... but there shall not an hair of your head perish. Luke 21:16-18
Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck, in those days! for there shall be great distress in the land, and wrath upon this people. Luke 21:23
He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water. John 7:38
And Jesus said, For judgment I am come into this world ... that they which see might be made blind. John 9:39
He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal. John 12:25
He talked complete nonsense about the end of the world.
Nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows. ... In those days, after that tribulation, the sun shall be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, And the stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken. Mark 13:8, 24-25, Matthew 24:3-30, Luke 21:10-11
He said that everyone who lived before him was a thief and a robber.
All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers John 10:8
His neighbors rejected him.
Is not this the carpenter's son? is not his mother called Mary? and his brethren, James, and Joses, and Simon, and Judas? And his sisters, are they not all with us? Whence then hath this man all these things? And they were offended in him. Matthew 13:55-57, Mark 6:3
Is not this Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? how is it then that he saith, I came down from heaven? John 6:42
Many that saw him up close and personal thought he was mad and possessed by a devil.
Many of them said, He hath a devil, and is mad; why hear ye him? John 10:20
His family didn't believe in him.
For neither did his brethren believe in him. John 7:5
His friends thought he was insane.
And when his friends heard of it, they went out to lay hold on him: for they said, He is beside himself. Mark 3:21
He said that his true followers would cast out devils, speak in tongues, handle snakes, and drink poisons.
And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover. Mark 16:17-18
He said that disbelievers will be tormented forever in hell.
He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned. Mark 16:16
He dresses kind of funny.
The Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle. His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire; And his feet like unto fine brass ... and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword. Revelation 1:13-16
The Son of God, who hath his eyes like unto a flame of fire, and his feet are like fine brass Revelation 2:18
His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood ... And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword ... And ... on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. Revelation 19:12-16
He is the living dead with keys to hell and death.
I am he that liveth, and was dead... and have the keys of hell and of death. Revelation 1:13-16
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/25/2010 06:18:00 PM 113 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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16 November 20101 Nephi 18: Nephi discovers America
This is the chapter you've all been waiting for. The exciting climax to First Book of Nephi in which Nephi discovers America.
It begins with God going over with Nephi his plans for the ship's construction, showing him (from time to time) how to work timbers of curious workmanship.
And it came to pass that ... we did work timbers of curious workmanship. And the Lord did show me from time to time after what manner I should work the timbers of the ship. 1 Nephi 18:1
Nephi explains (several times in the same verse) that he didn't work the timbers after the manner of men, but in the manner that God showed him.
Now I, Nephi, did not work the timbers after the manner which was learned by men, neither did I build the ship after the manner of men; but I did build it after the manner which the Lord had shown unto me; wherefore, it was not after the manner of men. 1 Nephi 18:2
The ship took less than two verses to build and by all accounts it turned out exceedingly fine.
And it came to pass that after I had finished the ship, according to the word of the Lord, my brethren beheld that it was good, and that the workmanship thereof was exceedingly fine; wherefore, they did humble themselves again before the Lord. 1 Nephi 18:4
When it was finished, they gathered up their stuff and boarded their unnamed ship, every one according to his age.
And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came unto my father, that we should arise and go down into the ship. And it came to pass that on the morrow, after we had prepared all things, much fruits and meat from the wilderness, and honey in abundance, and provisions according to that which the Lord had commanded us, we did go down into the ship, with all our loading and our seeds, and whatsoever thing we had brought with us, every one according to his age; wherefore, we did all go down into the ship, with our wives and our children. 1 Nephi 18:5-6
After they all got on board, they sailed off toward the promised land (America in BoM-speak).
And it came to pass after we had all gone down into the ship, and had taken with us our provisions and things which had been commanded us, we did put forth into the sea and were driven forth before the wind towards the promised land. 1 Nephi 18:8
And then, after the space of many days, there was mutiny on the nameless ship. (Nephi didn't keep much of a log. Everything happens "after a space of many days.") Nephi's brothers, Ishmael's sons, and all their wives began to merrily dance, sing, and speak with exceeding rudeness.
And after we had been driven forth before the wind for the space of many days, behold, my brethren and the sons of Ishmael and also their wives began to make themselves merry, insomuch that they began to dance, and to sing, and to speak with much rudeness, yea, even that they did forget by what power they had been brought thither; yea, they were lifted up unto exceeding rudeness. 1 Nephi 18:9
So he, Nephi, began to fear exceedingly that God would drown them all for dancing, singing, and carrying on like that. So he spoke to them with much soberness. But they all said in unison, "Fuck off, little brother."
And I, Nephi, began to fear exceedingly lest the Lord should be angry with us, and smite us because of our iniquity, that we should be swallowed up in the depths of the sea; wherefore, I, Nephi, began to speak to them with much soberness; but behold they were angry with me, saying: We will not that our younger brother shall be a ruler over us. 1 Nephi 18:10
Finally, Laman and Lemuel got so sick of Nephi's pompous ass that they tied him up again (See 1 Nephi 7:16).
And it came to pass that Laman and Lemuel did take me and bind me with cords, and they did treat me with much harshness; nevertheless, the Lord did suffer it that he might show forth his power, unto the fulfilling of his word which he had spoken concerning the wicked. 1 Nephi 18:11
But then the magic compass that told them how to get to the Promised Land stopped working.
And it came to pass that after they had bound me insomuch that I could not move, the compass, which had been prepared of the Lord, did cease to work. 1 Nephi 18:12
So they didn't know which way to steer. And then a great and terrible tempest came up for the space of three days. Everyone was exceedingly frightened. Still, they didn't untie Nephi.
Wherefore, they knew not whither they should steer the ship, insomuch that there arose a great storm, yea, a great and terrible tempest, and we were driven back upon the waters for the space of three days; and they began to be frightened exceedingly lest they should be drowned in the sea; nevertheless they did not loose me. 1 Nephi 18:13
The tempest became exceedingly sore on the fourth day.
And on the fourth day, which we had been driven back, the tempest began to be exceedingly sore. 1 Nephi 18:14
And just when they were about to be swallowed up in the depths of the sea, they untied Nephi, whose wrists and ankles had swollen exceedingly and great was the soreness thereof.
And it came to pass that we were about to be swallowed up in the depths of the sea. And after we had been driven back upon the waters for the space of four days, my brethren began to see that the judgments of God were upon them, and that they must perish save that they should repent of their iniquities; wherefore, they came unto me, and loosed the bands which were upon my wrist, and behold they had swollen exceedingly; and also mine ankles were much swollen, and great was the soreness thereof. 1 Nephi 18:15
Still, Nephi didn't murmur against the Lord but praised him all day long.
Nevertheless, I did look unto my God, and I did praise him all the day long; and I did not murmur against the Lord because of mine afflictions. 1 Nephi 18:16
Nephi's dad said many things to the mutineers, but they ignored him. The rude behavior of their children sickened Lehi and his wife Sariah. (They were "stricken in years" and about to die even though they just had a couple of baby boys a few verses ago. See 1 Nephi 18:7)
Now my father, Lehi, had said many things unto them, and also unto the sons of Ishmael; but, behold, they did breathe out much threatenings against anyone that should speak for me; and my parents being stricken in years, and having suffered much grief because of their children, they were brought down, yea, even upon their sick-beds. Because of their grief and much sorrow, and the iniquity of my brethren, they were brought near even to be carried out of this time to meet their God; yea, their grey hairs were about to be brought down to lie low in the dust; yea, even they were near to be cast with sorrow into a watery grave. 1 Nephi 18:17-18
Poor little Jacob and Joseph were in need of much nourishment (Was Sariah still breastfeeding them?) and Nephi's nameless wife cried and prayed, along with Nephi's nameless children.
And Jacob and Joseph also, being young, having need of much nourishment, were grieved because of the afflictions of their mother; and also my wife with her tears and prayers, and also my children, did not soften the hearts of my brethren that they would loose me. 1 Nephi 18:19
After Nephi got loose, he fixed the broken compass and prayed to the Lord, which stopped the storm and there was a great calm.
And it came to pass after they had loosed me, behold, I took the compass, and it did work whither I desired it. And it came to pass that I prayed unto the Lord; and after I had prayed the winds did cease, and the storm did cease, and there was a great calm. 1 Nephi 18:21
I guess the calm didn't last forever, though, because the ship began to sail again toward the promised land.
And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did guide the ship, that we sailed again towards the promised land. 1 Nephi 18:22
And after the space of many days, they arrive in the promised land.
And it came to pass that after we had sailed for the space of many days we did arrive at the promised land; and we went forth upon the land, and did pitch our tents; and we did call it the promised land. 1 Nephi 18:23
After arriving, they began to plant the seeds that they brought with them.
And it came to pass that we did begin to till the earth, and we began to plant seeds; yea, we did put all our seeds into the earth, which we had brought from the land of Jerusalem. And it came to pass that they did grow exceedingly; wherefore, we were blessed in abundance. 1 Nephi 18:24
Nephi found cows, horses, oxen, and asses when he arrived in the New World in 590 BCE. (None of these domesticated animals existed in North America before the Europeans brought them over 2000 years later.)
And it came to pass that we did find upon the land of promise, as we journeyed in the wilderness, that there were beasts in the forests of every kind, both the cow and the ox, and the ass and the horse, and the goat and the wild goat, and all manner of wild animals, which were for the use of men. 1 Nephi 18:25a
And right off the bat, they found all manner of gold, silver, and copper.
And we did find all manner of ore, both of gold, and of silver, and of copper. 1 Nephi 18:25b
And that, girls and boys, is how America was discovered.
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12 November 2010Quran 2:243-286 -- Zombie soldiers, Rip Van Winkle, bird talk, and other silly stories
Allah begins this section by asking Muhammad if he'd heard the story about the resurrected soldiers. You know, the one where back in the day there were thousands of soldiers that Allah told to die and then after they died he raised them from the dead. Yeah that one.
Bethink thee (O Muhammad) of those of old, who went forth from their habitations in their thousands, fearing death, and Allah said unto them: Die; and then He brought them back to life. 2:243
They even made a movie about it.
Next Allah tells us all to fight in the way of Allah.
Fight in the way of Allah. 2:244
And asks us for a loan, promising to pay us back with interest. Allah straightens and enlarges whatever is bent or small.
Who is it that will lend unto Allah a goodly loan, so that He may give it increase manifold? Allah straiteneth and enlargeth. 2:245
Then Allah starts with the Bible stories. And, as usual, he gets them all wrong. First he has angels carrying the ark.
Their Prophet said unto them: Lo! Allah hath raised up Saul to be a king for you. ... And their Prophet said unto them: Lo! the token of his kingdom is that there shall come unto you the ark ... the angels bearing it. Lo! herein shall be a token for you if (in truth) ye are believers. 2:247-8
And then he confuses Saul with Gideon when telling the stupid dog-lapping story of Judges 7:5-7.
And when Saul set out with the army, he said: Lo! Allah will try you by (the ordeal of) a river. Whosoever therefore drinketh thereof he is not of me, and whosoever tasteth it not he is of me, save him who taketh (thereof) in the hollow of his hand. But they drank thereof, all save a few of them. And after he had crossed (the river), he and those who believed with him, they said: We have no power this day against Goliath and his hosts. But those who knew that they would meet Allah exclaimed: How many a little company hath overcome a mighty host by Allah's leave! 2:249
And, of course, every twenty verses or so, he throws in something like this.
The disbelievers, they are the wrong-doers. 2:254
Then Allah says something nice for a change.
There is no compulsion in religion. 2:256
But in the next verse he ruins it by saying he'll torture non-Muslims forever after they die. There's no compulsion in religion, but you'll be tortured forever if you don't accept the right religion.
As for those who disbelieve, their patrons are false deities. They bring them out of light into darkness. Such are rightful owners of the Fire. They will abide therein. 2:257
Next Abraham argues with a disbeliever by saying, "God makes the sun rise in the east. Make it rise in the west." Which totally abashed the disbeliever. But the disbeliever should have said, "I make the sun rise in the east. Ask Allah to make it rise in the west." That would have abashed Abraham and Allah.
Bethink thee of him who had an argument with Abraham about his Lord, because Allah had given him the kingdom; how, when Abraham said: My Lord is He Who giveth life and causeth death, he answered: I give life and cause death. Abraham said: Lo! Allah causeth the sun to rise in the East, so do thou cause it to come up from the West. Thus was the disbeliever abashed. And Allah guideth not wrongdoing folk. 2:258
Then Allah tells us about a guy who had been dead for 100 years that he brought back to life. That's even cooler than the Rip Van Winkle story.
Or (bethink thee of) the like of him who, passing by a township which had fallen into utter ruin, exclaimed: How shall Allah give this township life after its death ? And Allah made him die a hundred years, then brought him back to life. He said: How long hast thou tarried ? (The man) said: I have tarried a day or part of a day. (He) said: Nay, but thou hast tarried for a hundred years. Just look at thy food and drink which have not rotted! Look at thine ass! And, that We may make thee a token unto mankind, look at the bones, how We adjust them and then cover them with flesh! 2:259
But Abraham, even after hearing all of Allah's tall tales, still wasn't sure he believed. So Allah told him to put four birds on a hill and then call to them. (Here birdie, birdie!) Then when the birds come, you'll believe. Allah is mighty, wise, idiotic.
And when Abraham said (unto his Lord): My Lord! Show me how Thou givest life to the dead, He said: Dost thou not believe ? Abraham said: Yea, but (I ask) in order that my heart may be at ease. (His Lord) said: Take four of the birds and cause them to incline unto thee, then place a part of them on each hill, then call them, they will come to thee in haste, and know that Allah is Mighty, Wise. 2:260
And now it's time for Allah to say something nasty again about disbelievers.
Allah guideth not the disbelieving folk. 2:264
The next 20 or so verses are too boring to comment on. But in verse 282, Allah tells us how much he thinks a woman is worth -- one half of a man.
And call two witness from among your men, two witnesses. And if two men be not at hand, then a man and two women. 2:282
And we finally come to an end of the longest surah in the Quran, where Allah asks himself (or somebody else) to "give us victory over the disbelieving folk."
Give us victory over the disbelieving folk. 2:286
Good luck with that, Allah.
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11 November 2010Something Christians, Jews, and Muslims can agree on: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
As you may have heard, Michelle Obama ran into trouble Tuesday while visiting Indonesia. She shook hands with a man (actually several of them) while passing through a receiving line that greeted the president and the first lady after their arrival in Jakarta.
Here's a safe for work (unless you're in Indonesia maybe) but shocking video of the event.
So what's wrong with shaking hands with a woman, you ask?
Well nothing, unless you're a Christian, Jewish, or Muslim man. You see, it is something that all of the Great Abrahamic Faiths agree on: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
Let's start with Christianity. Can a Christian man touch a woman?
Well, here's what the guy that started it all said about it.
It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 1 Corinthians 7:1
And Paul meant what he said here, though he knew that some men just couldn't control themselves. His advice to such moral weaklings was to go ahead and get married (7:2). Still, Paul would prefer that every man be like he was: unmarried and untouched by women (7:7). And he recommended that even married people abstain from sex. (Jesus is coming soon so there's no time for sex. 7:29)
How about Jews? Is it OK for a Jewish man to touch a woman?
The question is answered in Leviticus 15.
And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even. .. But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean. And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness. Leviticus 15:19-30
What God is trying to say here is this: menstruating women are unclean and anyone that touches them is also unclean. They're unclean as soon as they begin to menstruate and for at least seven days after that. The only way they can ever become clean again is to kill two pigeons or "turtles" (the KJV "turtles" are probably turtle doves) as sin and burnt offerings. Without the dead burned birds, though, a women who has once menstruated is unclean forever.
So a man shouldn't touch any woman between puberty and menopause unless he knows for sure that the proper burnt and sin offerings have been made after her last menstrual period. Since so few women sacrifice pigeons on the eighth day of their menstrual cycle anymore, all women of child-bearing age must be treated as unclean and, therefore, untouchable.
And what about Muslims? Can a Muslim man touch a woman?
Well, here is the only verse in the Quran that seems to address this question.
O ye who believe! When ye rise up for prayer, wash you faces, and your hands up to the elbows, and lightly rub your heads and (wash) your feet up to the ankles. And if ye are unclean, purify yourselves. And if ye are sick or on a journey, or one of you cometh from the closet, or ye have had contact with women, and ye find not water, then go to clean, high ground and rub your faces and your hands with some of it. Allah would not place a burden on you, but He would purify you and would perfect His grace upon you, that ye may give thanks. Quran 5:6
So women are unclean and it's better not to touch them. But if you do touch a woman and you can't find any water to clean up with, just rub some dirt on yourself. That'll do it.
But Muhammad did, according to the hadith, address shaking hands with women. Here's what he supposedly said.
I do not shake hands with women.
It is better for you to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle than to touch the hand of a woman who is to permissible to you.
So Christians, Jews, and Muslims agree: It is better for a man not to touch a woman. (And maybe someone should find an iron needle for that smiling Indonesian minister.)
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/11/2010 02:19:00 PM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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10 November 2010Bryan Fischer: God's Grizzly Curse
Remember Bryan Fischer's last post about grizzly bears where he explained how God was sending bears to punish us for not following the laws of the Bible? Well he's at it again.
This time it was an article in the LA times that got him going. The article reported on the grizzly bear problem in the Yellowstone region, where two people have been killed by grizzlies in 2010. One was a botanist, the other a sleeping camper.
He starts off with this.
One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears. Another way to put it is that there is no number of live grizzlies worth one dead human being. If it’s a choice between grizzlies and humans, the grizzlies have to go. And it’s time.
So, according to Bryan, since a couple people have been killed by grizzlies, every grizzly must die.
But that contradicts the Bible, doesn't it?
In 2 Kings 2:23-24, God sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of a prophet's bald head.
And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2 Kings 2:23-24
So to God, 2 bears are worth more than 42 boys.
Of course Bryan Fischer would say that the boys deserved it. Elisha cursed the little buggers in the name of the Lord and God sent bears to rip their little bodies apart.
But I'm especially confused by Bryan's closing paragraph.
God makes it clear in Scripture that deaths of people and livestock at the hands of savage beasts is a sign that the land is under a curse. The tragic thing here is that we are bringing this curse upon ourselves.
If that's true, then shouldn't Bryan be on the side of God and the grizzlies? God has cursed the land (for electing Obama, helping poor people, whatever) by letting grizzlies loose on everybody (especially people in the Yellowstone region). God has an orgasm every time a botanist, camper, or "Go up thou bald head" boy is killed by a grizzly. Why doesn’t Mr. Fischer share in God’s pleasure?
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/10/2010 12:31:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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04 November 20101 Nephi 17: The Trip to Bountiful
Up to now, Nephi and company have just been camping out in the wilderness, going on little side trips from time to time. First they traveled from "the land of Jerusalem" to the shore of the Red Sea, a distance of at least 400 km. Then Nephi and his brothers made the return trip Jerusalem twice: first to get Lehi's brass plates and again to get some women. And in the last chapter, God gave Nephi a magic ball that pointed in the direction that God wanted him to go and even told Nephi where to kill wild beasts. All this happened within in single year: 600 BCE.
Now it was time for some serious traveling.
They began by heading east into the wilderness, across the Arabian peninsula.
And it came to pass that we did again take our journey in the wilderness; and we did travel nearly eastward from that time forth. 1 Nephi 17:1a
They waded through much affliction and their nameless women bore children in the wilderness.
And we did travel and wade through much affliction in the wilderness; and our women did bear children in the wilderness. 1 Nephi 17:1b
God fed them raw meat, their women gave plenty of suck, and the children grew up quickly, becoming as strong as men during the eight year journey.
And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings. ... And we did sojourn for the space of many years, yea, even eight years in the wilderness. 1 Nephi 17:2-4
After eight years of wading through affliction, eating raw meat, and getting plenty of suck, they arrived at a land they called Bountiful (because of its much fruit and also wild honey). And they saw the sea which they called Irreantum (which being interpreted means nothing at all).
And we did come to the land which we called Bountiful, because of its much fruit and also wild honey; and all these things were prepared of the Lord that we might not perish. And we beheld the sea, which we called Irreantum, which, being interpreted, is many waters. 1 Nephi 17:5
Then it came to pass after a space of many days that he, Nephi, heard the voice of the Lord, saying, "Arise, get thee into the mountain." So Nephi got into the mountain and cried unto the Lord.
And it came to pass that after I, Nephi, had been in the land of Bountiful for the space of many days, the voice of the Lord came unto me, saying: Arise, and get thee into the mountain. And it came to pass that I arose and went up into the mountain, and cried unto the Lord. 1 Nephi 17:7
While Nephi was crying on the mountain top, God told him to build a ship.
And it came to pass that the Lord spake unto me, saying: Thou shalt construct a ship, after the manner which I shall show thee, that I may carry thy people across these waters. 1 Nephi 17:8
Nephi asked God where he would find the ore to make the metal to make the tools to make the ship.
And I said: Lord, whither shall I go that I may find ore to molten, that I may make tools to construct the ship after the manner which thou hast shown unto me? 1 Nephi 17:9
But it was no big deal. God showed Nephi where to find the ore to make the tools.
And it came to pass that the Lord told me whither I should go to find ore, that I might make tools. 1 Nephi 17:10
Nephi made a bellows from the skin of beasts so he could blow on a fire, which he made by striking two stones together.
And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did make a bellows wherewith to blow the fire, of the skins of beasts; and after I had made a bellows, that I might have wherewith to blow the fire, I did smite two stones together that I might make fire. 1 Nephi 17:11
Up to this time, you see, Nephi et al had no fire as they journeyed through the wilderness. They ate raw meat, which God sweetened for them.
For the Lord had not hitherto suffered that we should make much fire, as we journeyed in the wilderness; for he said: I will make thy food become sweet, that ye cook it not; 1 Nephi 17:12
So Nephi was pretty much all set. God showed Nephi where to mine the ore, from which he made ship-building tools using his trusty beast-skin bellows and striking stones.
And it came to pass that I did make tools of the ore which I did molten out of the rock. 1 Nephi 17:16
But when Nephi's brothers saw what he was doing they began to murmur against him.
And when my brethren saw that I was about to build a ship, they began to murmur against me, saying: Our brother is a fool, for he thinketh that he can build a ship; yea, and he also thinketh that he can cross these great waters. 1 Nephi 17:17
Whereupon Nephi began a long, boring 1000-word sermon. Among many other things (that I'm going to skip) he told his brothers that God straitens murmurers by sending fiery flying serpents to bite and kill them.
The Lord straitened them because of their iniquity. He sent fiery flying serpents among them. 1 Nephi 17:41
Then Nephi reminded them about stuff they'd already seen on the trip: talking angels from time to time that sometimes whispered and sometimes screamed so loudly that the earth shook.
Ye have seen an angel, and he spake unto you; yea, ye have heard his voice from time to time; and he hath spoken unto you in a still small voice, but ye were past feeling, that ye could not feel his words; wherefore, he has spoken unto you like unto the voice of thunder, which did cause the earth to shake as if it were to divide asunder. 1 Nephi 17:45
But Nephi's brothers were tired of Nephi and his screaming angels. So they tried to throw him into the sea. It didn't work, though, because Nephi he was filled with the power of God even to the consuming of his flesh and whoever touched him would wither like a dried reed.
And now it came to pass that when I had spoken these words, they were angry with me, and were desirous to throw me into the depths of the sea; and as they came forth to lay their hands upon me I spake unto them, saying: In the name of the Almighty God, I command you that ye touch me not, for I am filled with the power of God, even unto the consuming of my flesh; and whoso shall lay his hands upon me shall wither even as a dried reed; and he shall be as naught before the power of God, for God shall smite him. 1 Nephi 17:48
Nephi kept talking on and on about many things to his brothers. Finally Nephi's brothers gave up and durst not touch Nephi with their fingers for the space of many days.
And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said many things unto my brethren, insomuch that they were confounded and could not contend against me; neither durst they lay their hands upon me nor touch me with their fingers, even for the space of many days. Now they durst not do this lest they should wither before me, so powerful was the Spirit of God; and thus it had wrought upon them. 1 Nephi 17:52
Still, God wasn't completely satisfied. He decided not to wither Nephi's brothers like dried reeds, but to shock the hell out of them instead. Just to show off a bit.
And it came to pass that the Lord said unto me: Stretch forth thine hand again unto thy brethren, and they shall not wither before thee, but I will shock them, saith the Lord, and this will I do, that they may know that I am the Lord their God. 1 Nephi 17:53
And it came to pass that Nephi stretched forth his hand to his brethren and they didn't wither, but the Lord did shake them, just like he said that he would.
And it came to pass that I stretched forth my hand unto my brethren, and they did not wither before me; but the Lord did shake them, even according to the word which he had spoken. 1 Nephi 17:54
And that did the trick. After God shocked Nephi's brothers they knew of a surety that God was with Nephi. They even wanted to worship Nephi, but Nephi told them not to, saying, "Oh My Heck, you guys, I'm just your younger brother."
And now, they said: We know of a surety that the Lord is with thee, for we know that it is the power of the Lord that has shaken us. And they fell down before me, and were about to worship me, but I would not suffer them, saying: I am thy brother, yea, even thy younger brother. 1 Nephi 17:55
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02 November 2010Jeroboam's family
The reason for this killing was the same as the last: God disliked Jeroboam (he was the worst person in the world) so he killed his son.
Now he's back for the rest of the family.
I think God may have gotten a bit carried away with this one, though. Remember how he told Jeroboam's wife that he was going to kill everyone in the house of Jeroboam "that pisseth against the wall"?
Behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall. 1 Kings 14.10
Well, usually "wall pissers" are taken to be males, but apparently God killed the entire family, including females.
God didn't do the killing himself, though, this time. He had Baasha do it for him. First Baasha killed Jeroboam's son Nadab, who became king of Israel after Jeroboam died. (Nadab was completely evil, too, just like his dad.)
Nadab the son of Jeroboam began to reign over Israel ... And he did evil in the sight of the LORD, and walked in the way of his father, and in his sin wherewith he made Israel to sin … and Baasha smote him ... and reigned in his stead. 15.25-28
Then God had Baasha kill Jeroboam's entire family, wall pissers and non wall pissers, alike. “He smote … any that breathed … according unto the saying of the Lord.”
He smote all the house of Jeroboam; he left not to Jeroboam any that breathed, until he had destroyed him, according unto the saying of the LORD, which he spake by his servant Ahijah the Shilonite: Because of the sins of Jeroboam which he sinned, and which he made Israel sin, by his provocation wherewith he provoked the LORD God of Israel to anger. 15.29-30
The Bible doesn't say whether or not the bodies of the dead family were treated like shit, as God said they would be.
Behold, I … will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung. 14.10
Or whether God fed their remains to the dogs and the birds, as he said he would.
Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 14.11
But I suppose that's what happened. God wouldn't lie about a thing like that. Would he?
The text doesn't say how many were killed in this killing, so I'll just say 10.
God's next killing: Baasha's family and friends
Posted by Steve Wells at 11/02/2010 11:32:00 AM 0 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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01 November 2010Surah 2:218-242: Allah's guide to alcohol, gambling, menstruation, sex, and divorce
If anyone asks you about drinking and gambling, here's what Allah says to say.
They question thee about strong drink and games of chance. Say: In both is great sin, and (some) utility for men; but the sin of them is greater than their usefulness. 2:219a
Drinking and gambling are sinful, but useful. Allah isn't sure, but he figures their sinfulness is probably greater than their usefulness. Just try not to spend too much on either.
If you're wondering how much is too much, Allah has the answer for you. Only drink or gamble away what is superfluous.
And they ask thee what they ought to spend. Say: that which is superfluous. 2:219b
Allah makes all his revelations plain so you can happily reflect.
Thus Allah maketh plain to you (His) revelations, that haply ye may reflect. 2:219c
But don't drink and gamble away all your superfluous stuff. Save some for orphans.
And they question thee concerning orphans. Say: To improve their lot is best. 2:220
Next Allah gets down to the really important things in life. Things we all wonder about from time to time. Like should I marry a few idolatresses? Is an Islamic concubine better than a really hot Mormon woman? Should I refuse to give my daughter to a Christian man until he becomes a Muslim? And who should I invite to the Fire anyway?
Wed not idolatresses till they believe; for lo! a believing bondwoman is better than an idolatress though she please you; and give not your daughters in marriage to idolaters till they believe, for lo! a believing slave is better than an idolater though he please you. These invite unto the Fire. 2:221
And what about menstruation, you ask? Well, Allah has this to say about that.
Menstruation is a filthy disease. All good Muslim men should stay the hell away from menstruating women And for God sakes, don't have sex with them while they're menstruating. It creeps Allah out just to think of it.
But don't worry guys. After they clean up you can have sex with them whenever you want. Allah loves clean men as much as he hates menstruating women.
They question thee (O Muhammad) concerning menstruation. Say: It is an illness, so let women alone at such times and go not in unto them till they are cleansed. And when they have purified themselves, then go in unto them as Allah hath enjoined upon you. Truly Allah loveth those who turn unto Him, and loveth those who have a care for cleanness. 2:222
You see, in the mind of Allah, women are like a dirty field for you to plow with your penis. Plow them whenever you like (as long as they're not menstruating, of course.)
Your women are a tilth for you (to cultivate) so go to your tilth as ye will. 2:223
Still, if you decide you don't want to have sex with your wives, Allah is OK with that, too. Wait four months, then if you change your mind, go ahead and have sex with them. Allah is Forgiving, Merciful, Fucking Crazy.
Those who forswear their wives must wait four months; then, if they change their mind, lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. 2:226
Women may not have sex for three months after getting a divorce. If they skip one of their filthy periods, they must not hide it. In such a case, Allah suggests that their ex-husbands take their pregnant wives back.
Women who are divorced shall wait, keeping themselves apart, three (monthly) courses. And it is not lawful for them that they should conceal that which Allah hath created in their wombs if they are believers in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands would do better to take them back in that case if they desire a reconciliation. 2:228a
Allah says that women have rights similar to the men that rule over them. It's just that men, you see, are better then women. Allah is Mighty, Wise, Misogynistic.
And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them. Allah is Mighty, Wise. 2:228b
I'm not going to go through all of Allah's rules for Holy Divorce. But here are a few highlights. None of it makes any sense to me.
First of all, you must divorce your wife twice. And she can ransom herself, whatever that might mean.
Divorce must be pronounced twice and then (a woman) must be retained in honour or released in kindness. And it is not lawful for you that ye take from women aught of that which ye have given them; except (in the case) when both fear that they may not be able to keep within the limits (imposed by) Allah. And if ye fear that they may not be able to keep the limits of Allah, in that case it is no sin for either of them if the woman ransom herself. These are the limits (imposed by) Allah. Transgress them not. For whoso transgresseth Allah's limits: such are wrong-doers. 2:229
But if you divorce your wife for the third time, you can't have her again until she marries another guy. Then if the other guy divorces her, it's OK for you to have sex with your thrice-divorced wife. What the hell. These are the limits of Allah.
And if he hath divorced her (the third time), then she is not lawful unto him thereafter until she hath wedded another husband. Then if he (the other husband) divorce her it is no sin for both of them that they come together again if they consider that they are able to observe the limits of Allah. These are the limits of Allah. He manifesteth them for people who have knowledge. 2:230
After your divorced wives have reached the end of their 3 month waiting period, you can take them or leave them. Just don't make Allah a laughing-stock.
When ye have divorced women, and they have reached their term, then retain them in kindness or release them in kindness. Retain them not to their hurt so that ye transgress (the limits). He who doeth that hath wronged his soul. Make not the revelations of Allah a laughing-stock (by your behaviour), but remember Allah's grace upon you and that which He hath revealed unto you of the Scripture and of wisdom, whereby He doth exhort you. Observe your duty to Allah and know that Allah is Aware of all things. 2:231
If you decide to go ahead with the divorce, let your ex-wives get married again. It's cleaner that way. Allah knows; you don't.
And when ye have divorced women and they reach their term, place not difficulties in the way of their marrying their husbands if it is agreed between them in kindness. This is an admonition for him among you who believeth in Allah and the Last Day. That is more virtuous for you, and cleaner. Allah knoweth; ye know not. 2:232
Mothers should breast feed their kids for two years, but they don't have to if they don't want to. And you can pay some other woman do it for you if you want. Whatever.
Mothers shall suckle their children for two whole years; (that is) for those who wish to complete the suckling. The duty of feeding and clothing nursing mothers in a seemly manner is upon the father of the child. No-one should be charged beyond his capacity. A mother should not be made to suffer because of her child, nor should he to whom the child is born (be made to suffer) because of his child. And on the (father's) heir is incumbent the like of that (which was incumbent on the father). If they desire to wean the child by mutual consent and (after) consultation, it is no sin for them; and if ye wish to give your children out to nurse, it is no sin for you, provide that ye pay what is due from you in kindness. Observe your duty to Allah, and know that Allah is Seer of what ye do. 2:233
After you die, your wives can't have sex for four months and ten days. After that, if they're not pregnant, it's no sin for you (you're dead, remember?) if they have sex again.
Such of you as die and leave behind them wives, they (the wives) shall wait, keeping themselves apart, four months and ten days. And when they reach the term (prescribed for them) then there is no sin for you in aught that they may do with themselves in decency. Allah is informed of what ye do. 2:234
Allah is telling you this so you can understand.
Thus Allah expoundeth unto you His revelations so that ye may understand. 2:242
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2:243-286 -- Zombie soldiers, Rip Van Winkle, bird talk, and other silly stories
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Posted by Steve Wells at 11/01/2010 01:50:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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28 December 20101 Nephi 20-21: I will feed them with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood
Joseph Smith Nephi must have been getting tired of writing. Why else would he copy two chapters nearly verbatim from the King James Version of the Bible?
I suspect that the answer is much like Bill Clinton's answer to the question, "Why did you have sex with Monica Lewinsky?"
Because he could.
Except that in Nephi's case he couldn't, could he? How could Nephi copy from a book that didn't exist at the time and wouldn't exist for another 2200 years or so?
Well, it's complicated, but I think it goes something like this.
Nephi was copying from the plates of Lehi -- the plates that he had to go back to Jerusalem to get by murdering Laban. Lehi's plates were written in Reformed Egyptian (it's a lot like Pig Latin) and these plates contained the writings of the Old Testament prophets, including Isaiah. So Nephi just copied Isaiah 48 and 49 in reformed Egyptian onto his plates, making them chapters 20 and 21 of First Nephi.
I know what you're thinking.
Why are chapters 20 and 21 of 1 Nephi nearly identical to Isaiah 48 and 49 in the King James Version of the Bible? Well, silly, that's because Joseph Smith translated them, along with the rest of the Book of Mormon, into English from the Reformed Egyptian. And the Bible that Joseph Smith was familiar with was the King James Bible, so he naturally modeled his translation after that.
Now some of you smart asses out there are going to say something like this: How could the plates of Lehi include Isaiah 48 and 49 since these chapters are a part of Deutero-Isaiah, which wasn't written until after the Babylonian exile, 70 years or so after 1 Nephi was supposedly written?
And the answer to that is this: the same God who revealed Isaiah to Isaiah (or to whoever wrote Deutero-Isaiah) revealed the same stuff to whoever wrote the plates of Lehi. It's as simple as that.
As you read 1 Nephi 20 and 21, though, you'll notice something strange: If you compare it to the KJV's Isaiah 48 and 49, the text is nearly identical, but some of the words have been changed.
For example, here is 1 Nephi 20:1.
Hearken and hear this, O house of Jacob, who are called by the name of Israel, and are come forth out of the waters of Judah, or out of the waters of baptism, who swear by the name of the Lord, and make mention of the God of Israel, yet they swear not in truth nor in righteousness. 1 Nephi 20:1
And here is the corresponding verse from the King James Version of Isaiah 48.
Hear ye this, O house of Jacob, which are called by the name of Israel, and are come forth out of the waters of Judah, which swear by the name of the LORD, and make mention of the God of Israel, but not in truth, nor in righteousness. Isaiah 48:1
So now you'll probably want to know why there are differences.
Well, remember how Satan's church (the Catholic church) took away the plain and precious parts of the Bible? Nephi is restoring Isaiah to it's plain and precious state before it was fucked up by the Catholics. (I guess God was being proactive, retroactive, preemptive, or something, since 1 Nephi was written about 600 years before Jesus and/or Satan founded the Catholic church.)
And now some of you will probably ask how Isaiah (or the author of Deutero-Isaiah) could have included "out of the waters of baptism" since baptism was totally unknown in Old Testament times. And the answer, of course, is that God told him about baptism nearly 600 before it existed.
OK, so are we all clear now on how Isaiah 48 and 49 ended up in 1 Nephi 20 and 21, and why it is nearly (but not quite) identical to the King James Version of the Bible?
Good. Let's get on to more important matters -- like why God included these chapters in the Book of Mormon in the first place.
The short answer to that question is this: No one has any idea. Except that, as Joseph Smith Nephi explains later, Nephi's "soul delighteth" in the words of Isaiah.
And when you take a look at the last verse that he quotes from Isaiah, you can get an idea of what Nephi finds so delightful.
And I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood as with sweet wine. 1 Nephi 21:26
But you'll have to wait until the next exciting episode to find out why Nephi is so delighted by this verse.
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Next episode -- 1 Nephi 22: Someday Catholics will get drunk on their own blood
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Posted by Steve Wells at 12/28/2010 03:24:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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22 December 2010Surah 4: 1-34 Woe to the Women
Surah 4 begins by repeating one of the first lies of Genesis. God created a man first, then a woman from the man, and all humans descended from them.
Your Lord Who created you from a single soul and from it created its mate and from them twain hath spread abroad a multitude of men and women. 4:1
Then Allah says something nice: don't steal from orphans or exchange the good for the bad.
Give unto orphans their wealth. Exchange not the good for the bad (in your management thereof) nor absorb their wealth into your own wealth. Lo! that would be a great sin. 4:2
If you mistreat orphans, Allah will burn you forever in the Fire. Fair is fair.
Those who devour the wealth of orphans wrongfully, they do but swallow fire into their bellies, and they will be exposed to burning flame. 4:10
Of course there are lots of other things that Allah will burn you forever for. Like disobeying him or his messenger Mo.
Whoso disobeyeth Allah and His messenger and transgresseth His limits, He will make him enter Fire, where he will dwell for ever; his will be a shameful doom. 4:14
Or killing people through injustice or aggression.
Kill not one another ... Whoso doeth that through aggression and injustice, we shall cast him into Fire, and that is ever easy for Allah. 4:29-30
Or behaving badly without repenting until nearly dead, or dying while disbelieving.
The forgiveness is not for those who do ill-deeds until, when death attendeth upon one of them, he saith: Lo! I repent now; nor yet for those who die while they are disbelievers. For such We have prepared a painful doom. 4:18
Next Allah lays down the law on inheritance.
The first part is clear enough. Females get half as much as males.
Allah chargeth you concerning (the provision for) your children: to the male the equivalent of the portion of two females... 4:11a
But things get confusing after that.
...and if there be women more than two, then theirs is two-thirds of the inheritance, and if there be one (only) then the half.And to each of his parents a sixth of the inheritance, if he have a son; and if he have no son and his parents are his heirs, then to his mother appertaineth the third; and if he have brethren, then to his mother appertaineth the sixth, after any legacy he may have bequeathed, or debt (hath been paid). Your parents and your children: Ye know not which of them is nearer unto you in usefulness. It is an injunction from Allah. Lo! Allah is Knower, Wise.
And unto you belongeth a half of that which your wives leave, if they have no child; but if they have a child then unto you the fourth of that which they leave, afte r any legacy they may have bequeathed, or debt (they ma y have contracted, hath been paid). And unto them belon geth the fourth of that which ye leave if ye have no ch ild, but if ye have a child then the eighth of that whi ch ye leave, after any legacy ye may have bequeathed, o r debt (ye may have contracted, hath been paid). And if a man or a woman have a distant heir (having left neit her parent nor child), and he (or she) have a brother o r a sister (only on the mother's side) then to each of them twain (the brother and the sister) the sixth, and if they be more than two, then they shall be sharers in the third, after any legacy that may have been bequeat hed or debt (contracted) not injuring (the heirs by wil ling away more than a third of the heritage) hath been 4:11b-12
None of that makes sense to me, but here's a link that explains it all for you.
But the focus of this Surah is, as its title suggests, on women.
Allah explains that it's OK to have two, three, or four wives, slave or free. Whatever.
Marry of the women, who seem good to you, two or three or four; and if ye fear that ye cannot do justice (to so many) then one (only) or (the captives) that your right hands possess. 4:3
And if you can't afford to marry free Muslims women, go ahead and marry slaves, as long as they're Muslims.
Whoso is not able to afford to marry free, believing women, let them marry from the believing maids whom your right hands possess. 4:25a
But don't worry too much about it. If you decide you don't like some of your wives you can always exchange them for others.
And if ye wish to exchange one wife for another.... 4:20
Be careful, though, not to marry any women that are already married -- unless they're slaves that you obtained in war. Then it's OK.
All married women (are forbidden unto you) save those (captives) whom your right hands possess. 4:24
If any of your non-slave wives get lewd, cut off their inheritance and confine them to the house until they die.
It is not lawful for you forcibly to ... take away a part of that which ye have given them, unless they be guilty of flagrant lewdness. 4:19
As for those of your women who are guilty of lewdness ... confine them to the houses until death take them. 4:15
If your slave wives are guilty of lewdness, punish them half as much as you punish your lewd free wives.
If when they are honourably married they commit lewdness they shall incur the half of the punishment (prescribed) for free women. 4:25b
Always remember that men are better than women because Allah made them that way and men spend lots of money on women.
Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath made the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). 4:34a
So good women are obedient to men, guarding the secret that Allah gave to them.
So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded. 4:34b
If your wives refuse to obey you, beat them and refuse to have sex with them.
As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds apart, and scourge them. 4:34c
That'll teach them.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/22/2010 07:28:00 AM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 December 2010The LDS church is embarrassed by its own book
The Mormons did it again. They changed the Book of Mormon to make it a bit less embarrassing.
To see this best, though, you need to go get your Book of Mormon. I know you've got one somewhere. I'll wait.
OK, good. You found it.
Now check out the last sentence of the second paragraph of the official "Introduction" (assuming you got yours before November 2007).
After thousands of years, all were destroyed except the Lamanites, and they are the principal ancestors of the Native Americans.
And here it is after the change.
After thousands of years, all were destroyed except the Lamanites, and they are among the ancestors of the Native Americans.
See the difference? The Lamanites went from "the principal ancestors" of the American Indians to being "among the ancestors."
If that doesn't seem like a big deal to you, you're not a Mormon. Because until 2007 the LDS church taught and every Mormon believed that the Lamanites were the (principal and only) ancestors of the Native Americans.
But then in 2007, the LDS church demoted the Lamanites to "among" status because it became too embarrassing to claim otherwise.
Now the LDS church is removing the racist language from two of its official introductions to chapters of the Book of Mormon.
Once again, get out your silly blue book and read the introduction to 2 Nephi 5.
The Nephites separate themselves from the Lamanites, keep the law of Moses, and build a temple -- Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites are cursed, receive a skin of blackness, and become a scourge unto the Nephites. 2 Nephi 5 Introduction, before December 17, 2010
And here is the new 2010 cleaned up version.
The Nephites separate themselves from the Lamanites, keep the law of Moses, and build a temple—Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites are cut off from the presence of the Lord, are cursed, and become a scourge unto the Nephites. About 588–559 B.C. 2 Nephi 5 Introduction, after December 17, 2010
In the original, God cursed the Lamanites for their unbelief by turning their skin black; in the new, improved version, God just curses them, with no mention skin color.
And here is the original introduction to Mormon 5:
Mormon again leads the Nephite armies in battles of blood and carnage--The Book of Mormon shall come forth to convince all Israel that Jesus is the Christ--The Lamanites shall be a dark, filthy, and loathsome people--They shall receive the gospel from the Gentiles in latter days. Mormon 5 Introduction, before December 17, 2010
And here's the new version.
Mormon again leads the Nephite armies in battles of blood and carnage—The Book of Mormon will come forth to convince all Israel that Jesus is the Christ—Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites will be scattered, and the Spirit will cease to strive with them—They will receive the gospel from the Gentiles in the latter days. About A.D. 375–84. Mormon 5 Introduction, after December 17, 2010
The new introduction to Mormon 5 deletes the part about the Lamanites being "a dark, filthy, and loathsome people" and instead says that they'll be scattered and "the Spirit will cease to strive with them."
The LDS church made these changes because it's embarrassed by the obvious racism in the Book of Mormon, as well it should be. And yet the original introductions to 2 Nephi 5 and Mormon 5 were completely accurate.
Here's what it says in 2 Nephi 5. (They haven't had the courage to to change it -- yet.)
He had caused the cursing to come upon them ... wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people ... And cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. 2 Nephi 5:21-23
And here's a quote from Mormon 5.
This people ... shall become a dark, a filthy, and a loathsome people ... because of their unbelief and idolatry ... They were once a delightsome people ... But now, behold, they are led about by Satan. Mormon 5:15-18
The Book of Mormon is as absurd as it is disgusting. It's good to see that the Mormons are finally recognizing that fact.
I wonder what they'll change next.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/18/2010 10:48:00 PM 27 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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14 December 20101 Nephi 19: Zenos' Paradox
It's hard to keep track of all the plates in the Book of Mormon.
Remember the the plates of Lehi? You know, the ones that Lehi forgot when he left Jerusalem, so he had to send his sons back get them? Lehi's plates were so important to God that he sent an angel to force Nephi to decapitate an unconscious man so he could steal his plates.
Then came the plates of Nephi: two separate sets of plates, actually, both confusingly named by Nephi "the plates of Nephi." One for "the more part of the ministry" and the other "for the more part of the reign of the kings and the wars and contentions."
And now, in chapter 19, God tells Nephi to make another set. I guess you just can't have too many plates.
And it came to pass that the Lord commanded me, wherefore I did make plates of ore that I might engraven upon them the record of my people. And upon the plates which I made I did engraven the record of my father, and also our journeyings in the wilderness, and the prophecies of my father; and also many of mine own prophecies have I engraven upon them. 1 Nephi 19:1
On his third set of plates, Nephi only included the "more plain and precious" stuff, leaving out any unnecessary words, as you'd expect from someone engraving on plates of ore.
And I knew not at the time when I made them that I should be commanded of the Lord to make these plates; wherefore, the record of my father, and the genealogy of his fathers, and the more part of all our proceedings in the wilderness are engraven upon those first plates of which I have spoken; wherefore, the things which transpired before I made these plates are, of a truth, more particularly made mention upon the first plates. And after I had made these plates by way of commandment, I, Nephi, received a commandment that the ministry and the prophecies, the more plain and precious parts of them, should be written upon these plates; and that the things which were written should be kept for the instruction of my people, who should possess the land, and also for other wise purposes, which purposes are known unto the Lord. Wherefore, I, Nephi, did make a record upon the other plates, which gives an account, or which gives a greater account of the wars and contentions and destructions of my people. And this have I done, and commanded my people what they should do after I was gone; and that these plates should be handed down from one generation to another, or from one prophet to another, until further commandments of the Lord. And an account of my making these plates shall be given hereafter; and then, behold, I proceed according to that which I have spoken; and this I do that the more sacred things may be kept for the knowledge of my people. 1 Nephi 19:2-5
Nephi didn't write anything on the plates unless it was sacred.
Nevertheless, I do not write anything upon plates save it be that I think it be sacred. 1 Nephi 19:6a
But he admits that he might have made some mistakes, like the guys who wrote the Bible did. Not that he's making any excuses, of course.
And now, if I do err, even did they err of old; not that I would excuse myself because of other men, but because of the weakness which is in me, according to the flesh, I would excuse myself. 1 Nephi 19:6b
Then Nephi starts in again with prophecy, repeating the same stuff he's already told us several times before. (1 Nephi 10:4, 11:18, 13:40)
Jesus will be born 600 years after Lehi and his family left Jerusalem (and 592 years after Nephi wrote the prophecy down in his little brass book.)
And behold he cometh, according to the words of the angel, in six hundred years from the time my father left Jerusalem. 1 Nephi 19:8
But at least he does throw in a few new names. Zenock, Neum, and Zenos -- Old Testament prophets whose writings were removed by that great and abominable church founded by the devil. (You know, the Catholics.)
Anyway, Zenock, Neum, and Zenos knew all about Jesus. He'd be crucified, buried in a sepulchre, and after his death, there'd be three days of darkness.
And the God of our fathers, who were led out of Egypt, out of bondage, and also were preserved in the wilderness by him, yea, the God of Abraham, and of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, yieldeth himself, according to the words of the angel, as a man, into the hands of wicked men, to be lifted up, according to the words of Zenock, and to be crucified, according to the words of Neum, and to be buried in a sepulchre, according to the words of Zenos, which he spake concerning the three days of darkness, which should be a sign given of his death unto those who should inhabit the isles of the sea, more especially given unto those who are of the house of Israel. 1 Nephi 19:10
Three days of darkness? Yeah, that's what Zenos prophesied. The entire earth would be completely dark for three days after Jesus' death (See 3 Nephi 8:20-22 and Helaman 14:27 for the exciting details), as a sign to Lehi's descendants in "the isles of the sea" (the Lamanites in America and Polynesia).
Of course that's not what the Bible says. Matthew, Mark, and Luke say it was dark for three hours just before Jesus died. (It's one of the few things those three guys agree on.) But that's because the evil Catholics changed the plain and precious shit in the Bible.
Zenos prophesied further that mountains would be carried away after Jesus died, along with lots of other nutty stuff. (See 3 Nephi 8 where cities sunk, mountains were moved and dumped upon cities, etc.)
For thus spake the prophet: The Lord God surely shall visit ... others with the thunderings and the lightnings of his power, by tempest, by fire, and by smoke, and vapor of darkness, and by the opening of the earth, and by mountains which shall be carried up. And all these things must surely come, saith the prophet Zenos. And the rocks of the earth must rend; and because of the groanings of the earth, many of the kings of the isles of the sea shall be wrought upon by the Spirit of God, to exclaim: The God of nature suffers. 1 Nephi 19:11-12
Then Zenos explains how all kinds of bad stuff would happen to the Jews because they "crucify the God of Israel." They'd be hated by all nations, wander in the flesh, etc.
And as for those who are at Jerusalem, saith the prophet, they shall be scourged by all people, because they crucify the God of Israel, and turn their hearts aside, rejecting signs and wonders, and the power and glory of the God of Israel. And because they turn their hearts aside, saith the prophet, and have despised the Holy One of Israel, they shall wander in the flesh, and perish, and become a hiss and a byword, and be hated among all nations. 1 Nephi 19:13-14
And finally, after blathering on about nothing for a few verses, Nephi says he's going to swipe a couple of chapters from the book of Isaiah as a bit of filler for his plates of brass.
Now it came to pass that I, Nephi, did teach my brethren these things; And it came to pass that I did read many things to them, which were engraven upon the plates of brass ... I did read unto them that which was written by the prophet Isaiah. 1 Nephi 19:22-23
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Next episode -- 1 Nephi 20-21: I will feed them with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood
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Posted by Steve Wells at 12/14/2010 01:13:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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12 December 2010Surah 3 -- Allah is the best of schemers
The last surah (2) took eleven posts over a period of five months. Even considering its length (286 verses), that's just too darned long. At that rate, it'd take me about nine years to finish blogging the Quran. So I'm going to speed things up a bit.
That's not that hard to do, at least with Surah 3. It, too, is long (200 verses), but it doesn't have much to say. And what it does say, it says over and over again.
So I just went through the whole thing and grouped the interesting verses into categories. Here's what I came up with.
Some scriptures are allegorical and some are not. No one understands the allegorical stuff except for Allah.
He it is Who hath revealed unto thee (Muhammad) the Scripture wherein are clear revelations - they are the substance of the Book - and others (which are) allegorical. But those in whose hearts is doubt pursue, forsooth, that which is allegorical seeking (to cause) dissension by seeking to explain it. None knoweth its explanation save Allah. 3:7
Take 3:13, for example, an allegorical scripture if there ever was one.
Allah tells us about a battle between the good guys (the Muslims) and the bad guys (the non-Muslims). One side saw "clearly, with their very eyes" that the other side had twice as many soldiers. End of story. "Lo! herein verily is a lesson for those who have eyes." (I guess I don't have eyes.)
There was a token for you in two hosts which met: one army fighting in the way of Allah, and another disbelieving, whom they saw as twice their number, clearly, with their very eyes. Thus Allah strengtheneth with His succour whom He will. Lo! herein verily is a lesson for those who have eyes. 3:13
But Allah doesn't use allegory when he tells us how he feels about people. He has a simple rule that he always follows: he likes Muslims and hates everyone else.
Why does Allah like Muslims so much? Because they are the best people on earth, they behave themselves, forbid indecency, and believe in Allah. Allah loves people who believe in him.
Ye are the best community that hath been raised up for mankind. Ye enjoin right conduct and forbid indecency; and ye believe in Allah. And if the People of the Scripture had believed it had been better for them. Some of them are believers; but most of them are evil-livers. 3:110
Still, he likes some Muslims more than others.
Allah preferred Adam and Noah and the Family of Abraham and the Family of 'Imran above (all His) creatures. They were descendants one of another. Allah is Hearer, Knower. 3:33-34
And he absolutely hates non-Muslims.
Allah loveth not the disbelievers. 3:32
Some day he'll even color-code the living dead by whitening the faces of Muslims and blackening the faces of non-Muslims.
On the Day when (some) faces will be whitened and (some) faces will be blackened; and as for those whose faces have been blackened, it will be said unto them: Disbelieved ye after your (profession of) belief ? Then taste the punishment for that ye disbelieved. 3:106
While they are alive, Allah will terrorize the non-Muslims.
We shall cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. 3:151
And after they die, he'll torment them forever by burning their resurrected bodies.
Lo! those who disbelieve the revelations of Allah, theirs will be a heavy doom. 3:4
Those who disbelieve ... will be fuel for Fire. 3:10
Those who disbelieve ... shall be ... gathered unto Hell. 3:12
Whoso disbelieveth the revelations of Allah (will find that) lo! Allah is swift at reckoning. 3:19
Lo! those who disbelieve the revelations of Allah ... promise them a painful doom. 3:21
They say: The Fire will not touch us save for a certain number of days. That which they used to invent hath deceived them regarding their religion. 3:24
As for those who disbelieve I shall chastise them with a heavy chastisement in the world and the Hereafter; and they will have no helpers. 3:56
Whoso seeketh as religion other than the Surrender (to Allah) it will not be accepted from him, and he will be a loser in the Hereafter. 3:85
Those who disbelieve, and die in disbelief ... Theirs will be a painful doom and they will have no helpers. 3:91
Those who separated and disputed after the clear proofs had come unto them. For such there is an awful doom, 3:105
Those who disbelieve ... are rightful owners of the Fire. They will abide therein. 3:116
And ward off (from yourselves) the Fire prepared for disbelievers. 3:131
Those who purchase disbelief at the price of faith harm Allah not at all, but theirs will be a painful doom. 3:177
Those who disbelieve ... We only give them rein that they may grow in sinfulness. And theirs will be a shameful doom. 3:178
But there is one group of people that Allah hates even more than non-Muslims (if such a thing is possible): Muslim apostates. They are cursed by Allah, the angels, and men combined.
People who disbelieved after their belief ... on them rests the curse of Allah and of angels and of men combined. They will abide therein. Their doom will not be lightened, neither will they be reprieved. 3:86-88
So don't be friends with non-Muslims.
Let not the believers take disbelievers for their friends in preference to believers. 3:28
O ye who believe! Take not for intimates others than your own folk, who would spare no pains to ruin you; they love to hamper you. Hatred is revealed by (the utterance of) their mouths, but that which their breasts hide is greater. 3:118
Don't obey them.
O ye who believe! if ye obey those who disbelieve, they will make you turn back on your heels, and ye turn back as losers. 3:149
Or believe anything they say.
Believe not save in one who followeth your religion. 3:73
But ask Allah to help you defeat them.
Give us victory over the disbelieving folk. 3:147
Because Muslims can beat non-Muslims any day of the week.
Ye will overcome them if ye are (indeed) believers. 3:139
And only Muslim chicken-shits are inspired by Satan.
Lo! those of you who turned back on the day when the two hosts met, Satan alone it was who caused them to backslide 3:155
So don't worry about dying in a holy war against non-Muslims.
Though ye be slain in Allah's way or die therein? Surely pardon from Allah and mercy are better than all that they amass. 3:157
Because Muslim holy war soldiers never die, they just hang out in nice gardens with pure companions.
For those who keep from evil, with their Lord, are Gardens underneath which rivers flow wherein they will abide, and pure companions, and contentment from Allah. 3:15
Think not of those, who are slain in the way of Allah, as dead. Nay, they are living ... Jubilant (are they) ... rejoicing ... neither shall they grieve. 3:169-170
Those who ... were slain, verily I shall remit their evil deeds from them and verily I shall bring them into Gardens underneath which rivers flow. 3:195
And then there are a few strange stories and tiny tidbits that Allah wants to share with you.
There's the one about Allah, Jesus, and magic clay birds.
Lo! I [Allah] fashion for you [Jesus] out of clay the likeness of a bird, and I breathe into it and it is a bird, by Allah's leave. 3:49
And this good advice for believers of all religions.
Why then argue ye concerning that whereof ye have no knowledge? 3:66
And finally, my favorite verse in Surah 3: "Allah is the best of all schemers."
And they (the disbelievers) schemed, and Allah schemed (against them): and Allah is the best of schemers. 3:54
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/12/2010 10:10:00 AM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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10 December 2010Bernie Sanders for President!
With Anthony Weiner as his running mate.
Listen to Bernie's filibuster here.
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June 7, 2011: OK, I'm withdrawing Weiner's VP nomination.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/10/2010 12:29:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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07 December 2010You KNOW it's a Myth
And I think most people really do know that. They just won't admit it.
Or as Stephen Colbert put it:
A myth? What part of three kings following a star through a desert to bring presents to an immaculately conceived baby god they dreamed about seems like a myth to you?
The Colbert Report Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Blitzkrieg On Grinchitude - Atheist Billboard & Capitol Christmas Tree
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes 2010 Election March to Keep Fear Alive
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/07/2010 09:01:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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05 December 2010Five Golden Hemorrhoids: A Biblically Correct Version of The Twelve Days of Christmas
On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
A Goddamned Fruitless Fig Tree
And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if haply he might find any thing thereon: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it, No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever. And his disciples heard it. ... And in the morning, as they passed by, they saw the fig tree dried up from the roots. Mark 11:13-20
On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Two hundred foreskins
And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines ... And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well ... Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David. 1 Samuel 18:25-28
On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Three naked years
At the same time spake the LORD by Isaiah ... saying, Go and loose the sackcloth from off thy loins, and put off thy shoe from thy foot. And he did so, walking naked and barefoot. And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder. Isaiah 20:2-3
On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Four-footed fowls
All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:20
On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Five golden hemorrhoids
What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice ... Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice that mar the land; and ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel: peradventure he will lighten his hand from off you, and from off your gods, and from off your land ... And they laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods. 1 Samuel 6:4-11
On the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Six-winged beasts
And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes. Revelation 4:8
On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Seven bloody sprinkles
The priest shall dip his finger in the blood, and sprinkle of the blood seven times before the LORD. Leviticus 4:6, 4:17
And he shall kill the one of the birds ... And he shall take ... the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird ... and sprinkle the house seven times. Leviticus 14:50-51
And he shall take of the blood of the bullock, and sprinkle it with his finger upon the mercy seat ... seven times. Leviticus 16:14
And he shall sprinkle of the blood upon it with his finger seven times. Leviticus 16:19
On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Eight bodies burning
But the fearful (1), and unbelieving (2), and the abominable (3), and murderers (4), and whoremongers (5), and sorcerers (6), and idolaters (7), and all liars (8), shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. Revelation 21:8
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
A nine cubit bed
Only Og king of Bashan remained of the remnant of giants; behold his bedstead ... nine cubits was the length thereof. Deuteronomy 3:11
On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
The tenth plague of Egypt
At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle ... and there was a great cry in Egypt; for there was not a house where there was not one dead. Exodus 12:29-30
On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Eleven hardened hearts
And the LORD said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go. Exodus 4:11
And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and multiply my signs and my wonders in the land of Egypt. Exodus 7:3
And he hardened Pharaoh's heart, that he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had said. Exodus 7:13
And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh, and he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had spoken unto Moses. Exodus 9:12
And the LORD said unto Moses, Go in unto Pharaoh: for I have hardened his heart, and the heart of his servants, that I might shew these my signs before him: Exodus 10:1
But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go.Exodus 10:20
But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, and he would not let them go.Exodus 10:27
And Moses and Aaron did all these wonders before Pharaoh: and the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go out of his land. Exodus 11:10
And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, that he shall follow after them; and I will be honoured upon Pharaoh, and upon all his host; that the Egyptians may know that I am the LORD. Exodus 14:4
And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh king of Egypt, and he pursued after the children of Israel Exodus 14:8
I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians, and they shall follow them: and I will get me honour.Exodus 14:17
On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Twelve concubine pieces
So the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go. Then came the woman in the dawning of the day, and fell down at the door of the man's house where her lord was ... and, behold, the woman his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house, and her hands were upon the threshold. And he said unto her, Up, and let us be going. But none answered. Then the man took her up upon an ass, and the man rose up, and gat him unto his place. And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel. Judges 19:25-29
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/05/2010 04:40:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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28 December 20101 Nephi 20-21: I will feed them with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood
Joseph Smith Nephi must have been getting tired of writing. Why else would he copy two chapters nearly verbatim from the King James Version of the Bible?
I suspect that the answer is much like Bill Clinton's answer to the question, "Why did you have sex with Monica Lewinsky?"
Because he could.
Except that in Nephi's case he couldn't, could he? How could Nephi copy from a book that didn't exist at the time and wouldn't exist for another 2200 years or so?
Well, it's complicated, but I think it goes something like this.
Nephi was copying from the plates of Lehi -- the plates that he had to go back to Jerusalem to get by murdering Laban. Lehi's plates were written in Reformed Egyptian (it's a lot like Pig Latin) and these plates contained the writings of the Old Testament prophets, including Isaiah. So Nephi just copied Isaiah 48 and 49 in reformed Egyptian onto his plates, making them chapters 20 and 21 of First Nephi.
I know what you're thinking.
Why are chapters 20 and 21 of 1 Nephi nearly identical to Isaiah 48 and 49 in the King James Version of the Bible? Well, silly, that's because Joseph Smith translated them, along with the rest of the Book of Mormon, into English from the Reformed Egyptian. And the Bible that Joseph Smith was familiar with was the King James Bible, so he naturally modeled his translation after that.
Now some of you smart asses out there are going to say something like this: How could the plates of Lehi include Isaiah 48 and 49 since these chapters are a part of Deutero-Isaiah, which wasn't written until after the Babylonian exile, 70 years or so after 1 Nephi was supposedly written?
And the answer to that is this: the same God who revealed Isaiah to Isaiah (or to whoever wrote Deutero-Isaiah) revealed the same stuff to whoever wrote the plates of Lehi. It's as simple as that.
As you read 1 Nephi 20 and 21, though, you'll notice something strange: If you compare it to the KJV's Isaiah 48 and 49, the text is nearly identical, but some of the words have been changed.
For example, here is 1 Nephi 20:1.
Hearken and hear this, O house of Jacob, who are called by the name of Israel, and are come forth out of the waters of Judah, or out of the waters of baptism, who swear by the name of the Lord, and make mention of the God of Israel, yet they swear not in truth nor in righteousness. 1 Nephi 20:1
And here is the corresponding verse from the King James Version of Isaiah 48.
Hear ye this, O house of Jacob, which are called by the name of Israel, and are come forth out of the waters of Judah, which swear by the name of the LORD, and make mention of the God of Israel, but not in truth, nor in righteousness. Isaiah 48:1
So now you'll probably want to know why there are differences.
Well, remember how Satan's church (the Catholic church) took away the plain and precious parts of the Bible? Nephi is restoring Isaiah to it's plain and precious state before it was fucked up by the Catholics. (I guess God was being proactive, retroactive, preemptive, or something, since 1 Nephi was written about 600 years before Jesus and/or Satan founded the Catholic church.)
And now some of you will probably ask how Isaiah (or the author of Deutero-Isaiah) could have included "out of the waters of baptism" since baptism was totally unknown in Old Testament times. And the answer, of course, is that God told him about baptism nearly 600 before it existed.
OK, so are we all clear now on how Isaiah 48 and 49 ended up in 1 Nephi 20 and 21, and why it is nearly (but not quite) identical to the King James Version of the Bible?
Good. Let's get on to more important matters -- like why God included these chapters in the Book of Mormon in the first place.
The short answer to that question is this: No one has any idea. Except that, as Joseph Smith Nephi explains later, Nephi's "soul delighteth" in the words of Isaiah.
And when you take a look at the last verse that he quotes from Isaiah, you can get an idea of what Nephi finds so delightful.
And I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood as with sweet wine. 1 Nephi 21:26
But you'll have to wait until the next exciting episode to find out why Nephi is so delighted by this verse.
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Next episode -- 1 Nephi 22: Someday Catholics will get drunk on their own blood
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Posted by Steve Wells at 12/28/2010 03:24:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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22 December 2010Surah 4: 1-34 Woe to the Women
Surah 4 begins by repeating one of the first lies of Genesis. God created a man first, then a woman from the man, and all humans descended from them.
Your Lord Who created you from a single soul and from it created its mate and from them twain hath spread abroad a multitude of men and women. 4:1
Then Allah says something nice: don't steal from orphans or exchange the good for the bad.
Give unto orphans their wealth. Exchange not the good for the bad (in your management thereof) nor absorb their wealth into your own wealth. Lo! that would be a great sin. 4:2
If you mistreat orphans, Allah will burn you forever in the Fire. Fair is fair.
Those who devour the wealth of orphans wrongfully, they do but swallow fire into their bellies, and they will be exposed to burning flame. 4:10
Of course there are lots of other things that Allah will burn you forever for. Like disobeying him or his messenger Mo.
Whoso disobeyeth Allah and His messenger and transgresseth His limits, He will make him enter Fire, where he will dwell for ever; his will be a shameful doom. 4:14
Or killing people through injustice or aggression.
Kill not one another ... Whoso doeth that through aggression and injustice, we shall cast him into Fire, and that is ever easy for Allah. 4:29-30
Or behaving badly without repenting until nearly dead, or dying while disbelieving.
The forgiveness is not for those who do ill-deeds until, when death attendeth upon one of them, he saith: Lo! I repent now; nor yet for those who die while they are disbelievers. For such We have prepared a painful doom. 4:18
Next Allah lays down the law on inheritance.
The first part is clear enough. Females get half as much as males.
Allah chargeth you concerning (the provision for) your children: to the male the equivalent of the portion of two females... 4:11a
But things get confusing after that.
...and if there be women more than two, then theirs is two-thirds of the inheritance, and if there be one (only) then the half.And to each of his parents a sixth of the inheritance, if he have a son; and if he have no son and his parents are his heirs, then to his mother appertaineth the third; and if he have brethren, then to his mother appertaineth the sixth, after any legacy he may have bequeathed, or debt (hath been paid). Your parents and your children: Ye know not which of them is nearer unto you in usefulness. It is an injunction from Allah. Lo! Allah is Knower, Wise.
And unto you belongeth a half of that which your wives leave, if they have no child; but if they have a child then unto you the fourth of that which they leave, afte r any legacy they may have bequeathed, or debt (they ma y have contracted, hath been paid). And unto them belon geth the fourth of that which ye leave if ye have no ch ild, but if ye have a child then the eighth of that whi ch ye leave, after any legacy ye may have bequeathed, o r debt (ye may have contracted, hath been paid). And if a man or a woman have a distant heir (having left neit her parent nor child), and he (or she) have a brother o r a sister (only on the mother's side) then to each of them twain (the brother and the sister) the sixth, and if they be more than two, then they shall be sharers in the third, after any legacy that may have been bequeat hed or debt (contracted) not injuring (the heirs by wil ling away more than a third of the heritage) hath been 4:11b-12
None of that makes sense to me, but here's a link that explains it all for you.
But the focus of this Surah is, as its title suggests, on women.
Allah explains that it's OK to have two, three, or four wives, slave or free. Whatever.
Marry of the women, who seem good to you, two or three or four; and if ye fear that ye cannot do justice (to so many) then one (only) or (the captives) that your right hands possess. 4:3
And if you can't afford to marry free Muslims women, go ahead and marry slaves, as long as they're Muslims.
Whoso is not able to afford to marry free, believing women, let them marry from the believing maids whom your right hands possess. 4:25a
But don't worry too much about it. If you decide you don't like some of your wives you can always exchange them for others.
And if ye wish to exchange one wife for another.... 4:20
Be careful, though, not to marry any women that are already married -- unless they're slaves that you obtained in war. Then it's OK.
All married women (are forbidden unto you) save those (captives) whom your right hands possess. 4:24
If any of your non-slave wives get lewd, cut off their inheritance and confine them to the house until they die.
It is not lawful for you forcibly to ... take away a part of that which ye have given them, unless they be guilty of flagrant lewdness. 4:19
As for those of your women who are guilty of lewdness ... confine them to the houses until death take them. 4:15
If your slave wives are guilty of lewdness, punish them half as much as you punish your lewd free wives.
If when they are honourably married they commit lewdness they shall incur the half of the punishment (prescribed) for free women. 4:25b
Always remember that men are better than women because Allah made them that way and men spend lots of money on women.
Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath made the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). 4:34a
So good women are obedient to men, guarding the secret that Allah gave to them.
So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded. 4:34b
If your wives refuse to obey you, beat them and refuse to have sex with them.
As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds apart, and scourge them. 4:34c
That'll teach them.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/22/2010 07:28:00 AM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 December 2010The LDS church is embarrassed by its own book
The Mormons did it again. They changed the Book of Mormon to make it a bit less embarrassing.
To see this best, though, you need to go get your Book of Mormon. I know you've got one somewhere. I'll wait.
OK, good. You found it.
Now check out the last sentence of the second paragraph of the official "Introduction" (assuming you got yours before November 2007).
After thousands of years, all were destroyed except the Lamanites, and they are the principal ancestors of the Native Americans.
And here it is after the change.
After thousands of years, all were destroyed except the Lamanites, and they are among the ancestors of the Native Americans.
See the difference? The Lamanites went from "the principal ancestors" of the American Indians to being "among the ancestors."
If that doesn't seem like a big deal to you, you're not a Mormon. Because until 2007 the LDS church taught and every Mormon believed that the Lamanites were the (principal and only) ancestors of the Native Americans.
But then in 2007, the LDS church demoted the Lamanites to "among" status because it became too embarrassing to claim otherwise.
Now the LDS church is removing the racist language from two of its official introductions to chapters of the Book of Mormon.
Once again, get out your silly blue book and read the introduction to 2 Nephi 5.
The Nephites separate themselves from the Lamanites, keep the law of Moses, and build a temple -- Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites are cursed, receive a skin of blackness, and become a scourge unto the Nephites. 2 Nephi 5 Introduction, before December 17, 2010
And here is the new 2010 cleaned up version.
The Nephites separate themselves from the Lamanites, keep the law of Moses, and build a temple—Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites are cut off from the presence of the Lord, are cursed, and become a scourge unto the Nephites. About 588–559 B.C. 2 Nephi 5 Introduction, after December 17, 2010
In the original, God cursed the Lamanites for their unbelief by turning their skin black; in the new, improved version, God just curses them, with no mention skin color.
And here is the original introduction to Mormon 5:
Mormon again leads the Nephite armies in battles of blood and carnage--The Book of Mormon shall come forth to convince all Israel that Jesus is the Christ--The Lamanites shall be a dark, filthy, and loathsome people--They shall receive the gospel from the Gentiles in latter days. Mormon 5 Introduction, before December 17, 2010
And here's the new version.
Mormon again leads the Nephite armies in battles of blood and carnage—The Book of Mormon will come forth to convince all Israel that Jesus is the Christ—Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites will be scattered, and the Spirit will cease to strive with them—They will receive the gospel from the Gentiles in the latter days. About A.D. 375–84. Mormon 5 Introduction, after December 17, 2010
The new introduction to Mormon 5 deletes the part about the Lamanites being "a dark, filthy, and loathsome people" and instead says that they'll be scattered and "the Spirit will cease to strive with them."
The LDS church made these changes because it's embarrassed by the obvious racism in the Book of Mormon, as well it should be. And yet the original introductions to 2 Nephi 5 and Mormon 5 were completely accurate.
Here's what it says in 2 Nephi 5. (They haven't had the courage to to change it -- yet.)
He had caused the cursing to come upon them ... wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people ... And cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. 2 Nephi 5:21-23
And here's a quote from Mormon 5.
This people ... shall become a dark, a filthy, and a loathsome people ... because of their unbelief and idolatry ... They were once a delightsome people ... But now, behold, they are led about by Satan. Mormon 5:15-18
The Book of Mormon is as absurd as it is disgusting. It's good to see that the Mormons are finally recognizing that fact.
I wonder what they'll change next.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/18/2010 10:48:00 PM 27 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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14 December 20101 Nephi 19: Zenos' Paradox
It's hard to keep track of all the plates in the Book of Mormon.
Remember the the plates of Lehi? You know, the ones that Lehi forgot when he left Jerusalem, so he had to send his sons back get them? Lehi's plates were so important to God that he sent an angel to force Nephi to decapitate an unconscious man so he could steal his plates.
Then came the plates of Nephi: two separate sets of plates, actually, both confusingly named by Nephi "the plates of Nephi." One for "the more part of the ministry" and the other "for the more part of the reign of the kings and the wars and contentions."
And now, in chapter 19, God tells Nephi to make another set. I guess you just can't have too many plates.
And it came to pass that the Lord commanded me, wherefore I did make plates of ore that I might engraven upon them the record of my people. And upon the plates which I made I did engraven the record of my father, and also our journeyings in the wilderness, and the prophecies of my father; and also many of mine own prophecies have I engraven upon them. 1 Nephi 19:1
On his third set of plates, Nephi only included the "more plain and precious" stuff, leaving out any unnecessary words, as you'd expect from someone engraving on plates of ore.
And I knew not at the time when I made them that I should be commanded of the Lord to make these plates; wherefore, the record of my father, and the genealogy of his fathers, and the more part of all our proceedings in the wilderness are engraven upon those first plates of which I have spoken; wherefore, the things which transpired before I made these plates are, of a truth, more particularly made mention upon the first plates. And after I had made these plates by way of commandment, I, Nephi, received a commandment that the ministry and the prophecies, the more plain and precious parts of them, should be written upon these plates; and that the things which were written should be kept for the instruction of my people, who should possess the land, and also for other wise purposes, which purposes are known unto the Lord. Wherefore, I, Nephi, did make a record upon the other plates, which gives an account, or which gives a greater account of the wars and contentions and destructions of my people. And this have I done, and commanded my people what they should do after I was gone; and that these plates should be handed down from one generation to another, or from one prophet to another, until further commandments of the Lord. And an account of my making these plates shall be given hereafter; and then, behold, I proceed according to that which I have spoken; and this I do that the more sacred things may be kept for the knowledge of my people. 1 Nephi 19:2-5
Nephi didn't write anything on the plates unless it was sacred.
Nevertheless, I do not write anything upon plates save it be that I think it be sacred. 1 Nephi 19:6a
But he admits that he might have made some mistakes, like the guys who wrote the Bible did. Not that he's making any excuses, of course.
And now, if I do err, even did they err of old; not that I would excuse myself because of other men, but because of the weakness which is in me, according to the flesh, I would excuse myself. 1 Nephi 19:6b
Then Nephi starts in again with prophecy, repeating the same stuff he's already told us several times before. (1 Nephi 10:4, 11:18, 13:40)
Jesus will be born 600 years after Lehi and his family left Jerusalem (and 592 years after Nephi wrote the prophecy down in his little brass book.)
And behold he cometh, according to the words of the angel, in six hundred years from the time my father left Jerusalem. 1 Nephi 19:8
But at least he does throw in a few new names. Zenock, Neum, and Zenos -- Old Testament prophets whose writings were removed by that great and abominable church founded by the devil. (You know, the Catholics.)
Anyway, Zenock, Neum, and Zenos knew all about Jesus. He'd be crucified, buried in a sepulchre, and after his death, there'd be three days of darkness.
And the God of our fathers, who were led out of Egypt, out of bondage, and also were preserved in the wilderness by him, yea, the God of Abraham, and of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, yieldeth himself, according to the words of the angel, as a man, into the hands of wicked men, to be lifted up, according to the words of Zenock, and to be crucified, according to the words of Neum, and to be buried in a sepulchre, according to the words of Zenos, which he spake concerning the three days of darkness, which should be a sign given of his death unto those who should inhabit the isles of the sea, more especially given unto those who are of the house of Israel. 1 Nephi 19:10
Three days of darkness? Yeah, that's what Zenos prophesied. The entire earth would be completely dark for three days after Jesus' death (See 3 Nephi 8:20-22 and Helaman 14:27 for the exciting details), as a sign to Lehi's descendants in "the isles of the sea" (the Lamanites in America and Polynesia).
Of course that's not what the Bible says. Matthew, Mark, and Luke say it was dark for three hours just before Jesus died. (It's one of the few things those three guys agree on.) But that's because the evil Catholics changed the plain and precious shit in the Bible.
Zenos prophesied further that mountains would be carried away after Jesus died, along with lots of other nutty stuff. (See 3 Nephi 8 where cities sunk, mountains were moved and dumped upon cities, etc.)
For thus spake the prophet: The Lord God surely shall visit ... others with the thunderings and the lightnings of his power, by tempest, by fire, and by smoke, and vapor of darkness, and by the opening of the earth, and by mountains which shall be carried up. And all these things must surely come, saith the prophet Zenos. And the rocks of the earth must rend; and because of the groanings of the earth, many of the kings of the isles of the sea shall be wrought upon by the Spirit of God, to exclaim: The God of nature suffers. 1 Nephi 19:11-12
Then Zenos explains how all kinds of bad stuff would happen to the Jews because they "crucify the God of Israel." They'd be hated by all nations, wander in the flesh, etc.
And as for those who are at Jerusalem, saith the prophet, they shall be scourged by all people, because they crucify the God of Israel, and turn their hearts aside, rejecting signs and wonders, and the power and glory of the God of Israel. And because they turn their hearts aside, saith the prophet, and have despised the Holy One of Israel, they shall wander in the flesh, and perish, and become a hiss and a byword, and be hated among all nations. 1 Nephi 19:13-14
And finally, after blathering on about nothing for a few verses, Nephi says he's going to swipe a couple of chapters from the book of Isaiah as a bit of filler for his plates of brass.
Now it came to pass that I, Nephi, did teach my brethren these things; And it came to pass that I did read many things to them, which were engraven upon the plates of brass ... I did read unto them that which was written by the prophet Isaiah. 1 Nephi 19:22-23
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Next episode -- 1 Nephi 20-21: I will feed them with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood
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Posted by Steve Wells at 12/14/2010 01:13:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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12 December 2010Surah 3 -- Allah is the best of schemers
The last surah (2) took eleven posts over a period of five months. Even considering its length (286 verses), that's just too darned long. At that rate, it'd take me about nine years to finish blogging the Quran. So I'm going to speed things up a bit.
That's not that hard to do, at least with Surah 3. It, too, is long (200 verses), but it doesn't have much to say. And what it does say, it says over and over again.
So I just went through the whole thing and grouped the interesting verses into categories. Here's what I came up with.
Some scriptures are allegorical and some are not. No one understands the allegorical stuff except for Allah.
He it is Who hath revealed unto thee (Muhammad) the Scripture wherein are clear revelations - they are the substance of the Book - and others (which are) allegorical. But those in whose hearts is doubt pursue, forsooth, that which is allegorical seeking (to cause) dissension by seeking to explain it. None knoweth its explanation save Allah. 3:7
Take 3:13, for example, an allegorical scripture if there ever was one.
Allah tells us about a battle between the good guys (the Muslims) and the bad guys (the non-Muslims). One side saw "clearly, with their very eyes" that the other side had twice as many soldiers. End of story. "Lo! herein verily is a lesson for those who have eyes." (I guess I don't have eyes.)
There was a token for you in two hosts which met: one army fighting in the way of Allah, and another disbelieving, whom they saw as twice their number, clearly, with their very eyes. Thus Allah strengtheneth with His succour whom He will. Lo! herein verily is a lesson for those who have eyes. 3:13
But Allah doesn't use allegory when he tells us how he feels about people. He has a simple rule that he always follows: he likes Muslims and hates everyone else.
Why does Allah like Muslims so much? Because they are the best people on earth, they behave themselves, forbid indecency, and believe in Allah. Allah loves people who believe in him.
Ye are the best community that hath been raised up for mankind. Ye enjoin right conduct and forbid indecency; and ye believe in Allah. And if the People of the Scripture had believed it had been better for them. Some of them are believers; but most of them are evil-livers. 3:110
Still, he likes some Muslims more than others.
Allah preferred Adam and Noah and the Family of Abraham and the Family of 'Imran above (all His) creatures. They were descendants one of another. Allah is Hearer, Knower. 3:33-34
And he absolutely hates non-Muslims.
Allah loveth not the disbelievers. 3:32
Some day he'll even color-code the living dead by whitening the faces of Muslims and blackening the faces of non-Muslims.
On the Day when (some) faces will be whitened and (some) faces will be blackened; and as for those whose faces have been blackened, it will be said unto them: Disbelieved ye after your (profession of) belief ? Then taste the punishment for that ye disbelieved. 3:106
While they are alive, Allah will terrorize the non-Muslims.
We shall cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. 3:151
And after they die, he'll torment them forever by burning their resurrected bodies.
Lo! those who disbelieve the revelations of Allah, theirs will be a heavy doom. 3:4
Those who disbelieve ... will be fuel for Fire. 3:10
Those who disbelieve ... shall be ... gathered unto Hell. 3:12
Whoso disbelieveth the revelations of Allah (will find that) lo! Allah is swift at reckoning. 3:19
Lo! those who disbelieve the revelations of Allah ... promise them a painful doom. 3:21
They say: The Fire will not touch us save for a certain number of days. That which they used to invent hath deceived them regarding their religion. 3:24
As for those who disbelieve I shall chastise them with a heavy chastisement in the world and the Hereafter; and they will have no helpers. 3:56
Whoso seeketh as religion other than the Surrender (to Allah) it will not be accepted from him, and he will be a loser in the Hereafter. 3:85
Those who disbelieve, and die in disbelief ... Theirs will be a painful doom and they will have no helpers. 3:91
Those who separated and disputed after the clear proofs had come unto them. For such there is an awful doom, 3:105
Those who disbelieve ... are rightful owners of the Fire. They will abide therein. 3:116
And ward off (from yourselves) the Fire prepared for disbelievers. 3:131
Those who purchase disbelief at the price of faith harm Allah not at all, but theirs will be a painful doom. 3:177
Those who disbelieve ... We only give them rein that they may grow in sinfulness. And theirs will be a shameful doom. 3:178
But there is one group of people that Allah hates even more than non-Muslims (if such a thing is possible): Muslim apostates. They are cursed by Allah, the angels, and men combined.
People who disbelieved after their belief ... on them rests the curse of Allah and of angels and of men combined. They will abide therein. Their doom will not be lightened, neither will they be reprieved. 3:86-88
So don't be friends with non-Muslims.
Let not the believers take disbelievers for their friends in preference to believers. 3:28
O ye who believe! Take not for intimates others than your own folk, who would spare no pains to ruin you; they love to hamper you. Hatred is revealed by (the utterance of) their mouths, but that which their breasts hide is greater. 3:118
Don't obey them.
O ye who believe! if ye obey those who disbelieve, they will make you turn back on your heels, and ye turn back as losers. 3:149
Or believe anything they say.
Believe not save in one who followeth your religion. 3:73
But ask Allah to help you defeat them.
Give us victory over the disbelieving folk. 3:147
Because Muslims can beat non-Muslims any day of the week.
Ye will overcome them if ye are (indeed) believers. 3:139
And only Muslim chicken-shits are inspired by Satan.
Lo! those of you who turned back on the day when the two hosts met, Satan alone it was who caused them to backslide 3:155
So don't worry about dying in a holy war against non-Muslims.
Though ye be slain in Allah's way or die therein? Surely pardon from Allah and mercy are better than all that they amass. 3:157
Because Muslim holy war soldiers never die, they just hang out in nice gardens with pure companions.
For those who keep from evil, with their Lord, are Gardens underneath which rivers flow wherein they will abide, and pure companions, and contentment from Allah. 3:15
Think not of those, who are slain in the way of Allah, as dead. Nay, they are living ... Jubilant (are they) ... rejoicing ... neither shall they grieve. 3:169-170
Those who ... were slain, verily I shall remit their evil deeds from them and verily I shall bring them into Gardens underneath which rivers flow. 3:195
And then there are a few strange stories and tiny tidbits that Allah wants to share with you.
There's the one about Allah, Jesus, and magic clay birds.
Lo! I [Allah] fashion for you [Jesus] out of clay the likeness of a bird, and I breathe into it and it is a bird, by Allah's leave. 3:49
And this good advice for believers of all religions.
Why then argue ye concerning that whereof ye have no knowledge? 3:66
And finally, my favorite verse in Surah 3: "Allah is the best of all schemers."
And they (the disbelievers) schemed, and Allah schemed (against them): and Allah is the best of schemers. 3:54
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/12/2010 10:10:00 AM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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10 December 2010Bernie Sanders for President!
With Anthony Weiner as his running mate.
Listen to Bernie's filibuster here.
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June 7, 2011: OK, I'm withdrawing Weiner's VP nomination.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/10/2010 12:29:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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07 December 2010You KNOW it's a Myth
And I think most people really do know that. They just won't admit it.
Or as Stephen Colbert put it:
A myth? What part of three kings following a star through a desert to bring presents to an immaculately conceived baby god they dreamed about seems like a myth to you?
The Colbert Report Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Blitzkrieg On Grinchitude - Atheist Billboard & Capitol Christmas Tree
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes 2010 Election March to Keep Fear Alive
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/07/2010 09:01:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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05 December 2010Five Golden Hemorrhoids: A Biblically Correct Version of The Twelve Days of Christmas
On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
A Goddamned Fruitless Fig Tree
And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if haply he might find any thing thereon: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it, No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever. And his disciples heard it. ... And in the morning, as they passed by, they saw the fig tree dried up from the roots. Mark 11:13-20
On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Two hundred foreskins
And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines ... And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well ... Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David. 1 Samuel 18:25-28
On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Three naked years
At the same time spake the LORD by Isaiah ... saying, Go and loose the sackcloth from off thy loins, and put off thy shoe from thy foot. And he did so, walking naked and barefoot. And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder. Isaiah 20:2-3
On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Four-footed fowls
All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:20
On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Five golden hemorrhoids
What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice ... Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice that mar the land; and ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel: peradventure he will lighten his hand from off you, and from off your gods, and from off your land ... And they laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods. 1 Samuel 6:4-11
On the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Six-winged beasts
And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes. Revelation 4:8
On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Seven bloody sprinkles
The priest shall dip his finger in the blood, and sprinkle of the blood seven times before the LORD. Leviticus 4:6, 4:17
And he shall kill the one of the birds ... And he shall take ... the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird ... and sprinkle the house seven times. Leviticus 14:50-51
And he shall take of the blood of the bullock, and sprinkle it with his finger upon the mercy seat ... seven times. Leviticus 16:14
And he shall sprinkle of the blood upon it with his finger seven times. Leviticus 16:19
On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Eight bodies burning
But the fearful (1), and unbelieving (2), and the abominable (3), and murderers (4), and whoremongers (5), and sorcerers (6), and idolaters (7), and all liars (8), shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. Revelation 21:8
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
A nine cubit bed
Only Og king of Bashan remained of the remnant of giants; behold his bedstead ... nine cubits was the length thereof. Deuteronomy 3:11
On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
The tenth plague of Egypt
At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle ... and there was a great cry in Egypt; for there was not a house where there was not one dead. Exodus 12:29-30
On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Eleven hardened hearts
And the LORD said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go. Exodus 4:11
And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and multiply my signs and my wonders in the land of Egypt. Exodus 7:3
And he hardened Pharaoh's heart, that he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had said. Exodus 7:13
And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh, and he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had spoken unto Moses. Exodus 9:12
And the LORD said unto Moses, Go in unto Pharaoh: for I have hardened his heart, and the heart of his servants, that I might shew these my signs before him: Exodus 10:1
But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go.Exodus 10:20
But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, and he would not let them go.Exodus 10:27
And Moses and Aaron did all these wonders before Pharaoh: and the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go out of his land. Exodus 11:10
And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, that he shall follow after them; and I will be honoured upon Pharaoh, and upon all his host; that the Egyptians may know that I am the LORD. Exodus 14:4
And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh king of Egypt, and he pursued after the children of Israel Exodus 14:8
I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians, and they shall follow them: and I will get me honour.Exodus 14:17
On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Twelve concubine pieces
So the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go. Then came the woman in the dawning of the day, and fell down at the door of the man's house where her lord was ... and, behold, the woman his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house, and her hands were upon the threshold. And he said unto her, Up, and let us be going. But none answered. Then the man took her up upon an ass, and the man rose up, and gat him unto his place. And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel. Judges 19:25-29
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/05/2010 04:40:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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28 December 20101 Nephi 20-21: I will feed them with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood
Joseph Smith Nephi must have been getting tired of writing. Why else would he copy two chapters nearly verbatim from the King James Version of the Bible?
I suspect that the answer is much like Bill Clinton's answer to the question, "Why did you have sex with Monica Lewinsky?"
Because he could.
Except that in Nephi's case he couldn't, could he? How could Nephi copy from a book that didn't exist at the time and wouldn't exist for another 2200 years or so?
Well, it's complicated, but I think it goes something like this.
Nephi was copying from the plates of Lehi -- the plates that he had to go back to Jerusalem to get by murdering Laban. Lehi's plates were written in Reformed Egyptian (it's a lot like Pig Latin) and these plates contained the writings of the Old Testament prophets, including Isaiah. So Nephi just copied Isaiah 48 and 49 in reformed Egyptian onto his plates, making them chapters 20 and 21 of First Nephi.
I know what you're thinking.
Why are chapters 20 and 21 of 1 Nephi nearly identical to Isaiah 48 and 49 in the King James Version of the Bible? Well, silly, that's because Joseph Smith translated them, along with the rest of the Book of Mormon, into English from the Reformed Egyptian. And the Bible that Joseph Smith was familiar with was the King James Bible, so he naturally modeled his translation after that.
Now some of you smart asses out there are going to say something like this: How could the plates of Lehi include Isaiah 48 and 49 since these chapters are a part of Deutero-Isaiah, which wasn't written until after the Babylonian exile, 70 years or so after 1 Nephi was supposedly written?
And the answer to that is this: the same God who revealed Isaiah to Isaiah (or to whoever wrote Deutero-Isaiah) revealed the same stuff to whoever wrote the plates of Lehi. It's as simple as that.
As you read 1 Nephi 20 and 21, though, you'll notice something strange: If you compare it to the KJV's Isaiah 48 and 49, the text is nearly identical, but some of the words have been changed.
For example, here is 1 Nephi 20:1.
Hearken and hear this, O house of Jacob, who are called by the name of Israel, and are come forth out of the waters of Judah, or out of the waters of baptism, who swear by the name of the Lord, and make mention of the God of Israel, yet they swear not in truth nor in righteousness. 1 Nephi 20:1
And here is the corresponding verse from the King James Version of Isaiah 48.
Hear ye this, O house of Jacob, which are called by the name of Israel, and are come forth out of the waters of Judah, which swear by the name of the LORD, and make mention of the God of Israel, but not in truth, nor in righteousness. Isaiah 48:1
So now you'll probably want to know why there are differences.
Well, remember how Satan's church (the Catholic church) took away the plain and precious parts of the Bible? Nephi is restoring Isaiah to it's plain and precious state before it was fucked up by the Catholics. (I guess God was being proactive, retroactive, preemptive, or something, since 1 Nephi was written about 600 years before Jesus and/or Satan founded the Catholic church.)
And now some of you will probably ask how Isaiah (or the author of Deutero-Isaiah) could have included "out of the waters of baptism" since baptism was totally unknown in Old Testament times. And the answer, of course, is that God told him about baptism nearly 600 before it existed.
OK, so are we all clear now on how Isaiah 48 and 49 ended up in 1 Nephi 20 and 21, and why it is nearly (but not quite) identical to the King James Version of the Bible?
Good. Let's get on to more important matters -- like why God included these chapters in the Book of Mormon in the first place.
The short answer to that question is this: No one has any idea. Except that, as Joseph Smith Nephi explains later, Nephi's "soul delighteth" in the words of Isaiah.
And when you take a look at the last verse that he quotes from Isaiah, you can get an idea of what Nephi finds so delightful.
And I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood as with sweet wine. 1 Nephi 21:26
But you'll have to wait until the next exciting episode to find out why Nephi is so delighted by this verse.
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Next episode -- 1 Nephi 22: Someday Catholics will get drunk on their own blood
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Posted by Steve Wells at 12/28/2010 03:24:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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22 December 2010Surah 4: 1-34 Woe to the Women
Surah 4 begins by repeating one of the first lies of Genesis. God created a man first, then a woman from the man, and all humans descended from them.
Your Lord Who created you from a single soul and from it created its mate and from them twain hath spread abroad a multitude of men and women. 4:1
Then Allah says something nice: don't steal from orphans or exchange the good for the bad.
Give unto orphans their wealth. Exchange not the good for the bad (in your management thereof) nor absorb their wealth into your own wealth. Lo! that would be a great sin. 4:2
If you mistreat orphans, Allah will burn you forever in the Fire. Fair is fair.
Those who devour the wealth of orphans wrongfully, they do but swallow fire into their bellies, and they will be exposed to burning flame. 4:10
Of course there are lots of other things that Allah will burn you forever for. Like disobeying him or his messenger Mo.
Whoso disobeyeth Allah and His messenger and transgresseth His limits, He will make him enter Fire, where he will dwell for ever; his will be a shameful doom. 4:14
Or killing people through injustice or aggression.
Kill not one another ... Whoso doeth that through aggression and injustice, we shall cast him into Fire, and that is ever easy for Allah. 4:29-30
Or behaving badly without repenting until nearly dead, or dying while disbelieving.
The forgiveness is not for those who do ill-deeds until, when death attendeth upon one of them, he saith: Lo! I repent now; nor yet for those who die while they are disbelievers. For such We have prepared a painful doom. 4:18
Next Allah lays down the law on inheritance.
The first part is clear enough. Females get half as much as males.
Allah chargeth you concerning (the provision for) your children: to the male the equivalent of the portion of two females... 4:11a
But things get confusing after that.
...and if there be women more than two, then theirs is two-thirds of the inheritance, and if there be one (only) then the half.And to each of his parents a sixth of the inheritance, if he have a son; and if he have no son and his parents are his heirs, then to his mother appertaineth the third; and if he have brethren, then to his mother appertaineth the sixth, after any legacy he may have bequeathed, or debt (hath been paid). Your parents and your children: Ye know not which of them is nearer unto you in usefulness. It is an injunction from Allah. Lo! Allah is Knower, Wise.
And unto you belongeth a half of that which your wives leave, if they have no child; but if they have a child then unto you the fourth of that which they leave, afte r any legacy they may have bequeathed, or debt (they ma y have contracted, hath been paid). And unto them belon geth the fourth of that which ye leave if ye have no ch ild, but if ye have a child then the eighth of that whi ch ye leave, after any legacy ye may have bequeathed, o r debt (ye may have contracted, hath been paid). And if a man or a woman have a distant heir (having left neit her parent nor child), and he (or she) have a brother o r a sister (only on the mother's side) then to each of them twain (the brother and the sister) the sixth, and if they be more than two, then they shall be sharers in the third, after any legacy that may have been bequeat hed or debt (contracted) not injuring (the heirs by wil ling away more than a third of the heritage) hath been 4:11b-12
None of that makes sense to me, but here's a link that explains it all for you.
But the focus of this Surah is, as its title suggests, on women.
Allah explains that it's OK to have two, three, or four wives, slave or free. Whatever.
Marry of the women, who seem good to you, two or three or four; and if ye fear that ye cannot do justice (to so many) then one (only) or (the captives) that your right hands possess. 4:3
And if you can't afford to marry free Muslims women, go ahead and marry slaves, as long as they're Muslims.
Whoso is not able to afford to marry free, believing women, let them marry from the believing maids whom your right hands possess. 4:25a
But don't worry too much about it. If you decide you don't like some of your wives you can always exchange them for others.
And if ye wish to exchange one wife for another.... 4:20
Be careful, though, not to marry any women that are already married -- unless they're slaves that you obtained in war. Then it's OK.
All married women (are forbidden unto you) save those (captives) whom your right hands possess. 4:24
If any of your non-slave wives get lewd, cut off their inheritance and confine them to the house until they die.
It is not lawful for you forcibly to ... take away a part of that which ye have given them, unless they be guilty of flagrant lewdness. 4:19
As for those of your women who are guilty of lewdness ... confine them to the houses until death take them. 4:15
If your slave wives are guilty of lewdness, punish them half as much as you punish your lewd free wives.
If when they are honourably married they commit lewdness they shall incur the half of the punishment (prescribed) for free women. 4:25b
Always remember that men are better than women because Allah made them that way and men spend lots of money on women.
Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath made the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). 4:34a
So good women are obedient to men, guarding the secret that Allah gave to them.
So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded. 4:34b
If your wives refuse to obey you, beat them and refuse to have sex with them.
As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds apart, and scourge them. 4:34c
That'll teach them.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/22/2010 07:28:00 AM 8 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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18 December 2010The LDS church is embarrassed by its own book
The Mormons did it again. They changed the Book of Mormon to make it a bit less embarrassing.
To see this best, though, you need to go get your Book of Mormon. I know you've got one somewhere. I'll wait.
OK, good. You found it.
Now check out the last sentence of the second paragraph of the official "Introduction" (assuming you got yours before November 2007).
After thousands of years, all were destroyed except the Lamanites, and they are the principal ancestors of the Native Americans.
And here it is after the change.
After thousands of years, all were destroyed except the Lamanites, and they are among the ancestors of the Native Americans.
See the difference? The Lamanites went from "the principal ancestors" of the American Indians to being "among the ancestors."
If that doesn't seem like a big deal to you, you're not a Mormon. Because until 2007 the LDS church taught and every Mormon believed that the Lamanites were the (principal and only) ancestors of the Native Americans.
But then in 2007, the LDS church demoted the Lamanites to "among" status because it became too embarrassing to claim otherwise.
Now the LDS church is removing the racist language from two of its official introductions to chapters of the Book of Mormon.
Once again, get out your silly blue book and read the introduction to 2 Nephi 5.
The Nephites separate themselves from the Lamanites, keep the law of Moses, and build a temple -- Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites are cursed, receive a skin of blackness, and become a scourge unto the Nephites. 2 Nephi 5 Introduction, before December 17, 2010
And here is the new 2010 cleaned up version.
The Nephites separate themselves from the Lamanites, keep the law of Moses, and build a temple—Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites are cut off from the presence of the Lord, are cursed, and become a scourge unto the Nephites. About 588–559 B.C. 2 Nephi 5 Introduction, after December 17, 2010
In the original, God cursed the Lamanites for their unbelief by turning their skin black; in the new, improved version, God just curses them, with no mention skin color.
And here is the original introduction to Mormon 5:
Mormon again leads the Nephite armies in battles of blood and carnage--The Book of Mormon shall come forth to convince all Israel that Jesus is the Christ--The Lamanites shall be a dark, filthy, and loathsome people--They shall receive the gospel from the Gentiles in latter days. Mormon 5 Introduction, before December 17, 2010
And here's the new version.
Mormon again leads the Nephite armies in battles of blood and carnage—The Book of Mormon will come forth to convince all Israel that Jesus is the Christ—Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites will be scattered, and the Spirit will cease to strive with them—They will receive the gospel from the Gentiles in the latter days. About A.D. 375–84. Mormon 5 Introduction, after December 17, 2010
The new introduction to Mormon 5 deletes the part about the Lamanites being "a dark, filthy, and loathsome people" and instead says that they'll be scattered and "the Spirit will cease to strive with them."
The LDS church made these changes because it's embarrassed by the obvious racism in the Book of Mormon, as well it should be. And yet the original introductions to 2 Nephi 5 and Mormon 5 were completely accurate.
Here's what it says in 2 Nephi 5. (They haven't had the courage to to change it -- yet.)
He had caused the cursing to come upon them ... wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people ... And cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. 2 Nephi 5:21-23
And here's a quote from Mormon 5.
This people ... shall become a dark, a filthy, and a loathsome people ... because of their unbelief and idolatry ... They were once a delightsome people ... But now, behold, they are led about by Satan. Mormon 5:15-18
The Book of Mormon is as absurd as it is disgusting. It's good to see that the Mormons are finally recognizing that fact.
I wonder what they'll change next.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/18/2010 10:48:00 PM 27 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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14 December 20101 Nephi 19: Zenos' Paradox
It's hard to keep track of all the plates in the Book of Mormon.
Remember the the plates of Lehi? You know, the ones that Lehi forgot when he left Jerusalem, so he had to send his sons back get them? Lehi's plates were so important to God that he sent an angel to force Nephi to decapitate an unconscious man so he could steal his plates.
Then came the plates of Nephi: two separate sets of plates, actually, both confusingly named by Nephi "the plates of Nephi." One for "the more part of the ministry" and the other "for the more part of the reign of the kings and the wars and contentions."
And now, in chapter 19, God tells Nephi to make another set. I guess you just can't have too many plates.
And it came to pass that the Lord commanded me, wherefore I did make plates of ore that I might engraven upon them the record of my people. And upon the plates which I made I did engraven the record of my father, and also our journeyings in the wilderness, and the prophecies of my father; and also many of mine own prophecies have I engraven upon them. 1 Nephi 19:1
On his third set of plates, Nephi only included the "more plain and precious" stuff, leaving out any unnecessary words, as you'd expect from someone engraving on plates of ore.
And I knew not at the time when I made them that I should be commanded of the Lord to make these plates; wherefore, the record of my father, and the genealogy of his fathers, and the more part of all our proceedings in the wilderness are engraven upon those first plates of which I have spoken; wherefore, the things which transpired before I made these plates are, of a truth, more particularly made mention upon the first plates. And after I had made these plates by way of commandment, I, Nephi, received a commandment that the ministry and the prophecies, the more plain and precious parts of them, should be written upon these plates; and that the things which were written should be kept for the instruction of my people, who should possess the land, and also for other wise purposes, which purposes are known unto the Lord. Wherefore, I, Nephi, did make a record upon the other plates, which gives an account, or which gives a greater account of the wars and contentions and destructions of my people. And this have I done, and commanded my people what they should do after I was gone; and that these plates should be handed down from one generation to another, or from one prophet to another, until further commandments of the Lord. And an account of my making these plates shall be given hereafter; and then, behold, I proceed according to that which I have spoken; and this I do that the more sacred things may be kept for the knowledge of my people. 1 Nephi 19:2-5
Nephi didn't write anything on the plates unless it was sacred.
Nevertheless, I do not write anything upon plates save it be that I think it be sacred. 1 Nephi 19:6a
But he admits that he might have made some mistakes, like the guys who wrote the Bible did. Not that he's making any excuses, of course.
And now, if I do err, even did they err of old; not that I would excuse myself because of other men, but because of the weakness which is in me, according to the flesh, I would excuse myself. 1 Nephi 19:6b
Then Nephi starts in again with prophecy, repeating the same stuff he's already told us several times before. (1 Nephi 10:4, 11:18, 13:40)
Jesus will be born 600 years after Lehi and his family left Jerusalem (and 592 years after Nephi wrote the prophecy down in his little brass book.)
And behold he cometh, according to the words of the angel, in six hundred years from the time my father left Jerusalem. 1 Nephi 19:8
But at least he does throw in a few new names. Zenock, Neum, and Zenos -- Old Testament prophets whose writings were removed by that great and abominable church founded by the devil. (You know, the Catholics.)
Anyway, Zenock, Neum, and Zenos knew all about Jesus. He'd be crucified, buried in a sepulchre, and after his death, there'd be three days of darkness.
And the God of our fathers, who were led out of Egypt, out of bondage, and also were preserved in the wilderness by him, yea, the God of Abraham, and of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, yieldeth himself, according to the words of the angel, as a man, into the hands of wicked men, to be lifted up, according to the words of Zenock, and to be crucified, according to the words of Neum, and to be buried in a sepulchre, according to the words of Zenos, which he spake concerning the three days of darkness, which should be a sign given of his death unto those who should inhabit the isles of the sea, more especially given unto those who are of the house of Israel. 1 Nephi 19:10
Three days of darkness? Yeah, that's what Zenos prophesied. The entire earth would be completely dark for three days after Jesus' death (See 3 Nephi 8:20-22 and Helaman 14:27 for the exciting details), as a sign to Lehi's descendants in "the isles of the sea" (the Lamanites in America and Polynesia).
Of course that's not what the Bible says. Matthew, Mark, and Luke say it was dark for three hours just before Jesus died. (It's one of the few things those three guys agree on.) But that's because the evil Catholics changed the plain and precious shit in the Bible.
Zenos prophesied further that mountains would be carried away after Jesus died, along with lots of other nutty stuff. (See 3 Nephi 8 where cities sunk, mountains were moved and dumped upon cities, etc.)
For thus spake the prophet: The Lord God surely shall visit ... others with the thunderings and the lightnings of his power, by tempest, by fire, and by smoke, and vapor of darkness, and by the opening of the earth, and by mountains which shall be carried up. And all these things must surely come, saith the prophet Zenos. And the rocks of the earth must rend; and because of the groanings of the earth, many of the kings of the isles of the sea shall be wrought upon by the Spirit of God, to exclaim: The God of nature suffers. 1 Nephi 19:11-12
Then Zenos explains how all kinds of bad stuff would happen to the Jews because they "crucify the God of Israel." They'd be hated by all nations, wander in the flesh, etc.
And as for those who are at Jerusalem, saith the prophet, they shall be scourged by all people, because they crucify the God of Israel, and turn their hearts aside, rejecting signs and wonders, and the power and glory of the God of Israel. And because they turn their hearts aside, saith the prophet, and have despised the Holy One of Israel, they shall wander in the flesh, and perish, and become a hiss and a byword, and be hated among all nations. 1 Nephi 19:13-14
And finally, after blathering on about nothing for a few verses, Nephi says he's going to swipe a couple of chapters from the book of Isaiah as a bit of filler for his plates of brass.
Now it came to pass that I, Nephi, did teach my brethren these things; And it came to pass that I did read many things to them, which were engraven upon the plates of brass ... I did read unto them that which was written by the prophet Isaiah. 1 Nephi 19:22-23
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Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next episode -- 1 Nephi 20-21: I will feed them with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood
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Posted by Steve Wells at 12/14/2010 01:13:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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12 December 2010Surah 3 -- Allah is the best of schemers
The last surah (2) took eleven posts over a period of five months. Even considering its length (286 verses), that's just too darned long. At that rate, it'd take me about nine years to finish blogging the Quran. So I'm going to speed things up a bit.
That's not that hard to do, at least with Surah 3. It, too, is long (200 verses), but it doesn't have much to say. And what it does say, it says over and over again.
So I just went through the whole thing and grouped the interesting verses into categories. Here's what I came up with.
Some scriptures are allegorical and some are not. No one understands the allegorical stuff except for Allah.
He it is Who hath revealed unto thee (Muhammad) the Scripture wherein are clear revelations - they are the substance of the Book - and others (which are) allegorical. But those in whose hearts is doubt pursue, forsooth, that which is allegorical seeking (to cause) dissension by seeking to explain it. None knoweth its explanation save Allah. 3:7
Take 3:13, for example, an allegorical scripture if there ever was one.
Allah tells us about a battle between the good guys (the Muslims) and the bad guys (the non-Muslims). One side saw "clearly, with their very eyes" that the other side had twice as many soldiers. End of story. "Lo! herein verily is a lesson for those who have eyes." (I guess I don't have eyes.)
There was a token for you in two hosts which met: one army fighting in the way of Allah, and another disbelieving, whom they saw as twice their number, clearly, with their very eyes. Thus Allah strengtheneth with His succour whom He will. Lo! herein verily is a lesson for those who have eyes. 3:13
But Allah doesn't use allegory when he tells us how he feels about people. He has a simple rule that he always follows: he likes Muslims and hates everyone else.
Why does Allah like Muslims so much? Because they are the best people on earth, they behave themselves, forbid indecency, and believe in Allah. Allah loves people who believe in him.
Ye are the best community that hath been raised up for mankind. Ye enjoin right conduct and forbid indecency; and ye believe in Allah. And if the People of the Scripture had believed it had been better for them. Some of them are believers; but most of them are evil-livers. 3:110
Still, he likes some Muslims more than others.
Allah preferred Adam and Noah and the Family of Abraham and the Family of 'Imran above (all His) creatures. They were descendants one of another. Allah is Hearer, Knower. 3:33-34
And he absolutely hates non-Muslims.
Allah loveth not the disbelievers. 3:32
Some day he'll even color-code the living dead by whitening the faces of Muslims and blackening the faces of non-Muslims.
On the Day when (some) faces will be whitened and (some) faces will be blackened; and as for those whose faces have been blackened, it will be said unto them: Disbelieved ye after your (profession of) belief ? Then taste the punishment for that ye disbelieved. 3:106
While they are alive, Allah will terrorize the non-Muslims.
We shall cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. 3:151
And after they die, he'll torment them forever by burning their resurrected bodies.
Lo! those who disbelieve the revelations of Allah, theirs will be a heavy doom. 3:4
Those who disbelieve ... will be fuel for Fire. 3:10
Those who disbelieve ... shall be ... gathered unto Hell. 3:12
Whoso disbelieveth the revelations of Allah (will find that) lo! Allah is swift at reckoning. 3:19
Lo! those who disbelieve the revelations of Allah ... promise them a painful doom. 3:21
They say: The Fire will not touch us save for a certain number of days. That which they used to invent hath deceived them regarding their religion. 3:24
As for those who disbelieve I shall chastise them with a heavy chastisement in the world and the Hereafter; and they will have no helpers. 3:56
Whoso seeketh as religion other than the Surrender (to Allah) it will not be accepted from him, and he will be a loser in the Hereafter. 3:85
Those who disbelieve, and die in disbelief ... Theirs will be a painful doom and they will have no helpers. 3:91
Those who separated and disputed after the clear proofs had come unto them. For such there is an awful doom, 3:105
Those who disbelieve ... are rightful owners of the Fire. They will abide therein. 3:116
And ward off (from yourselves) the Fire prepared for disbelievers. 3:131
Those who purchase disbelief at the price of faith harm Allah not at all, but theirs will be a painful doom. 3:177
Those who disbelieve ... We only give them rein that they may grow in sinfulness. And theirs will be a shameful doom. 3:178
But there is one group of people that Allah hates even more than non-Muslims (if such a thing is possible): Muslim apostates. They are cursed by Allah, the angels, and men combined.
People who disbelieved after their belief ... on them rests the curse of Allah and of angels and of men combined. They will abide therein. Their doom will not be lightened, neither will they be reprieved. 3:86-88
So don't be friends with non-Muslims.
Let not the believers take disbelievers for their friends in preference to believers. 3:28
O ye who believe! Take not for intimates others than your own folk, who would spare no pains to ruin you; they love to hamper you. Hatred is revealed by (the utterance of) their mouths, but that which their breasts hide is greater. 3:118
Don't obey them.
O ye who believe! if ye obey those who disbelieve, they will make you turn back on your heels, and ye turn back as losers. 3:149
Or believe anything they say.
Believe not save in one who followeth your religion. 3:73
But ask Allah to help you defeat them.
Give us victory over the disbelieving folk. 3:147
Because Muslims can beat non-Muslims any day of the week.
Ye will overcome them if ye are (indeed) believers. 3:139
And only Muslim chicken-shits are inspired by Satan.
Lo! those of you who turned back on the day when the two hosts met, Satan alone it was who caused them to backslide 3:155
So don't worry about dying in a holy war against non-Muslims.
Though ye be slain in Allah's way or die therein? Surely pardon from Allah and mercy are better than all that they amass. 3:157
Because Muslim holy war soldiers never die, they just hang out in nice gardens with pure companions.
For those who keep from evil, with their Lord, are Gardens underneath which rivers flow wherein they will abide, and pure companions, and contentment from Allah. 3:15
Think not of those, who are slain in the way of Allah, as dead. Nay, they are living ... Jubilant (are they) ... rejoicing ... neither shall they grieve. 3:169-170
Those who ... were slain, verily I shall remit their evil deeds from them and verily I shall bring them into Gardens underneath which rivers flow. 3:195
And then there are a few strange stories and tiny tidbits that Allah wants to share with you.
There's the one about Allah, Jesus, and magic clay birds.
Lo! I [Allah] fashion for you [Jesus] out of clay the likeness of a bird, and I breathe into it and it is a bird, by Allah's leave. 3:49
And this good advice for believers of all religions.
Why then argue ye concerning that whereof ye have no knowledge? 3:66
And finally, my favorite verse in Surah 3: "Allah is the best of all schemers."
And they (the disbelievers) schemed, and Allah schemed (against them): and Allah is the best of schemers. 3:54
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/12/2010 10:10:00 AM 6 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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10 December 2010Bernie Sanders for President!
With Anthony Weiner as his running mate.
Listen to Bernie's filibuster here.
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June 7, 2011: OK, I'm withdrawing Weiner's VP nomination.
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/10/2010 12:29:00 PM 2 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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07 December 2010You KNOW it's a Myth
And I think most people really do know that. They just won't admit it.
Or as Stephen Colbert put it:
A myth? What part of three kings following a star through a desert to bring presents to an immaculately conceived baby god they dreamed about seems like a myth to you?
The Colbert Report Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Blitzkrieg On Grinchitude - Atheist Billboard & Capitol Christmas Tree
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes 2010 Election March to Keep Fear Alive
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/07/2010 09:01:00 AM 5 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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05 December 2010Five Golden Hemorrhoids: A Biblically Correct Version of The Twelve Days of Christmas
On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
A Goddamned Fruitless Fig Tree
And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if haply he might find any thing thereon: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it, No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever. And his disciples heard it. ... And in the morning, as they passed by, they saw the fig tree dried up from the roots. Mark 11:13-20
On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Two hundred foreskins
And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines ... And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well ... Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David. 1 Samuel 18:25-28
On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Three naked years
At the same time spake the LORD by Isaiah ... saying, Go and loose the sackcloth from off thy loins, and put off thy shoe from thy foot. And he did so, walking naked and barefoot. And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder. Isaiah 20:2-3
On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Four-footed fowls
All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:20
On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Five golden hemorrhoids
What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice ... Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice that mar the land; and ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel: peradventure he will lighten his hand from off you, and from off your gods, and from off your land ... And they laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods. 1 Samuel 6:4-11
On the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Six-winged beasts
And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes. Revelation 4:8
On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Seven bloody sprinkles
The priest shall dip his finger in the blood, and sprinkle of the blood seven times before the LORD. Leviticus 4:6, 4:17
And he shall kill the one of the birds ... And he shall take ... the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird ... and sprinkle the house seven times. Leviticus 14:50-51
And he shall take of the blood of the bullock, and sprinkle it with his finger upon the mercy seat ... seven times. Leviticus 16:14
And he shall sprinkle of the blood upon it with his finger seven times. Leviticus 16:19
On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Eight bodies burning
But the fearful (1), and unbelieving (2), and the abominable (3), and murderers (4), and whoremongers (5), and sorcerers (6), and idolaters (7), and all liars (8), shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. Revelation 21:8
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
A nine cubit bed
Only Og king of Bashan remained of the remnant of giants; behold his bedstead ... nine cubits was the length thereof. Deuteronomy 3:11
On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
The tenth plague of Egypt
At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle ... and there was a great cry in Egypt; for there was not a house where there was not one dead. Exodus 12:29-30
On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Eleven hardened hearts
And the LORD said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go. Exodus 4:11
And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and multiply my signs and my wonders in the land of Egypt. Exodus 7:3
And he hardened Pharaoh's heart, that he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had said. Exodus 7:13
And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh, and he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had spoken unto Moses. Exodus 9:12
And the LORD said unto Moses, Go in unto Pharaoh: for I have hardened his heart, and the heart of his servants, that I might shew these my signs before him: Exodus 10:1
But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go.Exodus 10:20
But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, and he would not let them go.Exodus 10:27
And Moses and Aaron did all these wonders before Pharaoh: and the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go out of his land. Exodus 11:10
And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, that he shall follow after them; and I will be honoured upon Pharaoh, and upon all his host; that the Egyptians may know that I am the LORD. Exodus 14:4
And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh king of Egypt, and he pursued after the children of Israel Exodus 14:8
I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians, and they shall follow them: and I will get me honour.Exodus 14:17
On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Twelve concubine pieces
So the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go. Then came the woman in the dawning of the day, and fell down at the door of the man's house where her lord was ... and, behold, the woman his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house, and her hands were upon the threshold. And he said unto her, Up, and let us be going. But none answered. Then the man took her up upon an ass, and the man rose up, and gat him unto his place. And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel. Judges 19:25-29
Posted by Steve Wells at 12/05/2010 04:40:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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27 January 2011WTF: Does Palin think the Soviet Union won the space race?
That was another one of those WTF moments, when he so often repeated this Sputnik moment that he would aspire Americans to celebrate. And he needs to remember that what happened back then with the former communist USSR and their victory in that race to space, yes, they won, but they also incurred so much debt at the time that it resulted in the inevitable collapse of the Soviet Union.
OK. Maybe Palin meant the "race to space" instead of the "space race." That is what she said, after all. But the launch of Sputnik resulted in the an American response (a "Sputnik moment") that produced the scientific and technological advances that allowed us to go to the moon in less than twelve years. Does she really think that was a bad thing?
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/27/2011 11:18:00 AM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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20 January 20112 Nephi 1-3: A tale of four Josephs and loads of loin fruit
Second Nephi begins with Lehi rehearsing and rehashing the same old stories from Nephi's first book.
And now It came to pass that after I, Nephi, had made an end of teaching my brethren, our father, Lehi, also spake many things unto them, and rehearsed unto them.... 2 Nephi 1:1
So I'm going to skip the first two chapters of 2 Nephi and begin with chapter 3.
Chapter 3 is all about Joseph. Joseph Smith, that is, along with three other Josephs and lots of loin fruit. (See the LDS Seminary Manual's section on 2 Nephi 3 to see that I'm not making this up.)
The author of Second Nephi (God, Nephi, Joseph Smith, Matt Stone and Trey Parker?) really liked the phrase "fruit of thy loins." It, or variants of it, is used 21 times in chapter 3 alone, with verse 12 setting an all time fruit-of-thy-loins record for a single verse, with 5. Here it is.
Wherefore, the fruit of thy loins shall write; and the fruit of the loins of Judah shall write; and that which shall be written by the fruit of thy loins, and also that which shall be written by the fruit of the loins of Judah, shall grow together, unto the confounding of false doctrines and laying down of contentions, and establishing peace among the fruit of thy loins, and bringing them to the knowledge of their fathers in the latter days, and also to the knowledge of my covenants, saith the Lord. 2 Nephi 3:12
If the above verse doesn't make much sense to you, maybe it will help to have it read to you. (Note: Drew mispronounced "Nephi", but otherwise the reading is perfect.)
And that is a good summary of the first three chapters of 2 Nephi.
But to understand it fully, you must sort through the Josephs and loin fruit.
The first Joseph is Lehi's youngest son, who was born in the wilderness and got hungry on the voyage to America. Here are the only two verses that mention him up to now.
And now, my father had begat two sons in the wilderness; the elder was called Jacob and the younger Joseph. 1 Nephi 18:7
And Jacob and Joseph also, being young, having need of much nourishment, were grieved because of the afflictions of their mother. 1 Nephi 18:19
Since the author of 2 Nephi likes the name Joseph so much, Lehi directs his prophesy to his son with that name (Joseph #1).
And now I speak unto you, Joseph, my last-born. Thou wast born in the wilderness. 2 Nephi 3:1
Next we meet Joseph #2, the one from Genesis. Lehi discovered that Joseph #2 was his ancestor by reading from the plates of Lehi (that Nephi stole from Laban after murdering him). So Lehi was a fruit from Joseph #2's loins.
For behold, thou art the fruit of my loins; and I am a descendant of Joseph who was carried captive into Egypt. 2 Nephi 3:4
And Joseph #2 (who was supposed to have lived ~1500 BCE) prophesied about another Joseph (#3) who would live 3300 years later in New York State.
Wherefore, Joseph truly saw our day. And he obtained a promise of the Lord, that out of the fruit of his loins the Lord God would raise up a righteous branch unto the house of Israel; not the Messiah, but a branch which was to be broken off, nevertheless, to be remembered in the covenants of the Lord that the Messiah should be made manifest unto them in the latter days, in the spirit of power, unto the bringing of them out of darkness unto light -- yea, out of hidden darkness and out of captivity unto freedom. 2 Nephi 3:5
That's right, Joseph #2 is talking about Joseph Smith, Jr. (Joseph #3).
Now that he's been properly introduced, Joseph Smith (or whoever wrote 2 Nephi) makes some modest prophecies about himself.
He will be a choice seer,
A seer shall the Lord my God raise up, who shall be a choice seer unto the fruit of my loins. Yea, Joseph truly said: Thus saith the Lord unto me: A choice seer will I raise up out of the fruit of thy loins. 2 Nephi 3:6-7a
esteemed highly,
He shall be esteemed highly among the fruit of thy loins. 2 Nephi 3:7b
and shall do "a work of great worth."
He shall do a work for the fruit of thy loins, his brethren, which shall be of great worth. 2 Nephi 3:7c
He will be great in God's eyes, like Moses,
And I will make him great in mine eyes ... And he shall be great like unto Moses. 2 Nephi 3:8-9
doing much good as an instrument in God's hands, with exceeding faith, working mighty wonders, doing great things in the sight of God.
And there shall rise up one mighty among them, who shall do much good, both in word and in deed, being an instrument in the hands of God, with exceeding faith, to work mighty wonders, and do that thing which is great in the sight of God ... unto the seed of thy brethren. 2 Nephi 3:24
God's finger will write the law down for him.
I will write unto him my law, by the finger of mine own hand; and I will make a spokesman for him. 2 Nephi 3:17
He will bring forth the word unto the seed of lots and lots of loins.
But a seer will I raise up out of the fruit of thy loins; and unto him will I give power to bring forth my word unto the seed of thy loins ... I will raise up unto the fruit of thy loins; and I will make for him a spokesman. And I, behold, I will give unto him that he shall write the writing of the fruit of thy loins, unto the fruit of thy loins; and the spokesman of thy loins shall declare it. 2 Nephi 3:11-18
It'll be as though the fruit of someone's loins cried out from the dust, "For I know their faith." Or something like that.
And the words which he shall write shall be the words which are expedient in my wisdom should go forth unto the fruit of thy loins. And it shall be as if the fruit of thy loins had cried unto them from the dust; for I know their faith. 2 Nephi 3:19
And now we come to back to verse 12, which I'll repeat for you in case you've forgotten it.
Wherefore, the fruit of thy loins shall write; and the fruit of the loins of Judah shall write; and that which shall be written by the fruit of thy loins, and also that which shall be written by the fruit of the loins of Judah, shall grow together, unto the confounding of false doctrines and laying down of contentions, and establishing peace among the fruit of thy loins, and bringing them to the knowledge of their fathers in the latter days, and also to the knowledge of my covenants, saith the Lord. 2 Nephi 3:12
Makes perfect sense now, doesn't it?
The fruit of Joseph #2's loins (Joseph Smith, Jr., Joseph #3) shall write the Book of Mormon and the fruit of the loins of Judah shall write the Bible. And the Book of Mormon and the Bible will grow together confounding the false doctrines of the Catholics and other members of Satan's church.
Still, I don't see how Joseph #3 is the fruit of Joseph #2's loins, but the Mormon's say that he is. And Joseph #3 didn't write the Book of Mormon, did he? I thought he just translated it. Oh well, the rest of the story makes perfect sense.
But there's one more Joseph that I haven't mentioned. Joseph #4, Joseph Smith, Sr.
And his name shall be called after me; and it shall be after the name of his father. 2 Nephi 3:15
See how he fits in here? Joseph Smith, Jr. was named after his father, Joseph Smith, Sr.
So there you have it. Four Josephs and a ton of loin fruit all sorted out for you.
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Next episode -- 2 Nephi 4-5: Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites are cursed, receive a skin of blackness
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Posted by Steve Wells at 1/20/2011 02:23:00 PM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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15 January 2011Surah 4:81-135 Ponder on the Quran
The Rev. Terry Jones announced this week that he plans to put the Quran on trial. And I think that's a great idea, as long as the Bible is put on trial, as well, using the same standards that are applied to the Quran. The burning, firing squad, drowning, shredding thing is silly, of course, but the basic idea is sound enough. Read the Quran (Bible, Book of Mormon, etc.) and decide what it is worth.
And that's pretty much what the Quran says as well. Read the Quran, ponder on it, and decide for yourself what to make of it. If it is from Allah, you should find no incongruity. It should all be good, true, beautiful, perfect.
Will they not then ponder on the Qur'an? If it had been from other than Allah they would have found therein much incongruity. 4:82
With that in mind, then, let's continue to ponder the Quran by looking for incongruities in this section.
Let's start with the good.
What goes around comes around. (It's not true, but it's a nice thought.)
Whoso interveneth in a good cause will have the reward thereof, and whoso interveneth in an evil cause will bear the consequence thereof. 4:85
If someone says Hi to you say Hi (or Howdy) back to them.
When ye are greeted with a greeting, greet ye with a better than it or return it. 4:86
Be kind, help the poor, and strive for peace.
There is .. good in ... him who enjoineth almsgiving and kindness and peace-making. 4:114
Value justice, for both poor and rich, even when it adversely affects you or your family's interests.
Be ye staunch in justice, witnesses for Allah, even though it be against yourselves or (your) parents or (your) kindred, whether (the case be of) a rich man or a poor man 4:135
Now for the bad.
Most of us would be followers of Satan if it wasn't for Allah.
If it had not been for the grace of Allah upon you and His mercy ye would have followed Satan, save a few (of you). 4:83
So fight for Allah. Allah will always rig the battle so that Muslims will defeat non-Muslims.
So fight (O Muhammad) in the way of Allah ... Allah will restrain the might of those who disbelieve. 4:84
Relent not in pursuit of the enemy. If ye are suffering, lo! they suffer even as ye suffer and ye hope from Allah that for which they cannot hope. 4:104
Don't try to convert apostates or Christians. Allah led them astray and he wants them to stay that way.
The hypocrites, when Allah cast them back (to disbelief) because of what they earned? Seek ye to guide him whom Allah hath sent astray? 4:88
Allah pardoneth not that partners should be ascribed unto Him ... Whoso ascribeth partners unto Allah hath wandered far astray. 4:116
Plead not on behalf of (people) who deceive themselves. 4:107
After non-Muslims die, they will make excuses for their unbelief -- like saying that they were oppressed. Then the angels will ask them, "Why didn't you move to another country?" But the angels won't wait for an answer. They'll just take them all to hell, except for the feeble men, women, and children who couldn't devise a plan. Or whatever.
Lo! as for those whom the angels take (in death) while they wrong themselves, (the angels) will ask: In what were ye engaged ? They will say: We were oppressed in the land. (The angels) will say: Was not Allah's earth spacious that ye could have migrated therein ? As for such, their habitation will be hell, an evil journey's end. Except the feeble among men, and the women, and the children, who are unable to devise a plan and are not shown a way. 4:97-98
All non-Muslims go to hell anyway.
Whoso opposeth the messenger ... and followeth other than the believer's way, We ... expose him unto hell - a hapless journey's end! 4:115
So don't be friends with them. They are an open enemy to you. If they oppose you in any way, just kill them wherever you find them.
Choose not friends from them till they forsake their homes in the way of Allah; if they turn back (to enmity) then take them and kill them wherever ye find them, and choose no friend ... from among them. 4:89
The disbelievers are an open enemy to you ... Allah prepareth for the disbelievers shameful punishment. 4:101-2
If they keep not aloof from you nor offer you peace nor hold their hands, then take them and kill them wherever ye find them. Against such We have given you clear warrant. 4:91
But don't kill any Muslims, unless it's by mistake, in which case you must set free a Muslim slave and pay some blood-money to the dead Muslim's family.
Whoso slayeth a believer of set purpose, his reward is hell for ever ... an awful doom. 4:93
It is not for a believer to kill a believer unless (it be) by mistake. He who hath killed a believer by mistake must set free a believing slave. 4:92
Those that have female gods pray to Satan.
They invoke in His stead only females; they pray to none else than Satan. 4:117
Don't bother trying to treat your wives fairly. It's impossible.
Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so). 4:129
Don't cut cattle's ears. (Men shouldn't shave their beards and women shouldn't pluck their eyebrows.) Allah commands non-Muslims to shave beards and pluck eyebrows so he can have an excuse to burn them in hell after they die.
I will lead them astray, and surely I will arouse desires in them, and surely I will command them and they will cut the cattle' ears, and surely I will command them and they will change Allah's creation ... For such, their habitation will be hell. 4:119-121
So ponder the Quran with Allah and put it on trial with Terry Jones. Do the same with the Bible, Book of Mormon, or other supposed holy book. Refuse to believe in any book that is unworthy of your belief, and you'll be free from religion forever.
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/15/2011 01:25:00 PM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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12 January 2011And Palin washed her hands before the multitude, saying, I am innocent of the blood of this just person
When Pilate saw that he could prevail nothing, but that rather a tumult was made, he took water, and washed his hands before the multitude, saying, I am innocent of the blood of this just person. Matthew 27:24
You can watch Palin wash her hands here.
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/12/2011 09:35:00 AM 19 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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10 January 20111 Nephi 22: Someday Catholics will get drunk on their own blood
As I mentioned in my last post, Nephi threw in a couple chapters from Isaiah, ending with this verse (Isaiah 49:26):
And I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood as with sweet wine. 1 Nephi 21:26
Now he explains who the "they" are.
And the blood of that great and abominable church, which is the whore of all the earth, shall turn upon their own heads; for they shall war among themselves, and the sword of their own hands shall fall upon their own heads, and they shall be drunken with their own blood. 1 Nephi 22:13
Catholics! Someday they'll all get drunk on their own blood.
And whoever fights against Zion (the Mormons) will be destroyed along with the blood-drunk Catholics.
All that fight against Zion shall be destroyed, and that great whore, who hath perverted the right ways of the Lord, yea, that great and abominable church, shall tumble to the dust and great shall be the fall of it. 1 Nephi 22:14
There will be blood and guts and fire all death over the place.
The day soon cometh that all the proud and they who do wickedly shall be as stubble; and the day cometh that they must be burned. For the time soon cometh that the fulness of the wrath of God shall be poured out upon all the children of men ... that the fulness of his wrath must come, and the righteous be preserved, even unto the destruction of their enemies by fire ... These things must shortly come; yea, even blood, and fire, and vapor of smoke must come ... they who fight against Zion shall be cut off. 1 Nephi 22:16-19
But then God will raise up a great prophet, as great as Isaiah (Joseph Smith).
A prophet shall the Lord your God raise up unto you, like unto me; him shall ye hear in all things whatsoever he shall say unto you. And it shall come to pass that all those who will not hear that prophet shall be cut off from among the people. 1 Nephi 22:20
Those that listen to the prophet and believe that "the things which have been written upon the plates of brass are true" (the Mormons) will survive and everyone else (that belong to other churches -- the kingdom of the devil) will be destroyed.
For the time speedily shall come that all churches ... who belong to the kingdom of the devil ... must be brought low in the dust; they are those who must be consumed as stubble. 1 Nephi 22:23
The things which have been written upon the plates of brass are true. 1 Nephi 22:30
It's as simple as that.
And thus it is and so forth forever. Amen.
And thus it is. Amen. 1 Nephi 22:31
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Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next episode -- 2 Nephi 1-3:A tale of four Josephs and loads of loin fruit
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Posted by Steve Wells at 1/10/2011 11:15:00 AM 4 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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07 January 2011Surah 4:35-80 Fresh skins for Allah's fire
This section starts off well enough, with Allah telling us to be kind to our parents, relatives, orphans, the needy, neighbors, strangers, and travelers.
(Show) kindness unto parents, and unto near kindred, and orphans, and the needy, and unto the neighbour who is of kin (unto you) and the neighbour who is not of kin, and the fellow-traveller and the wayfarer. 4:36
And yet, even here, when the Quran is at its very best, its dark side seeps through.
Because the same verse with the good stuff above includes the bad stuff below.
Serve Allah. Ascribe no thing as partner unto Him. (Show) kindness unto ... (the slaves) whom your right hands possess. Lo! Allah loveth not such as are proud and boastful, 4:36
Serve Allah, who has no partners. Be kind to your slaves. Don't be proud and boastful or Allah won't love you.
That's not all that bad, you say. And I agree. But it gets worse from there.
Allah reminds us about his plans for disbelievers and those who have the wrong imaginary friend (Satan instead of Allah).
For disbelievers We prepare a shameful doom; And (also) those who ... believe not in Allah nor the Last Day. Whoso taketh Satan for a comrade, a bad comrade hath he. 4:37-38
Next Allah says that there are times when we shouldn't pray. Like when we are drunk, dirty, after going to the bathroom, or after touching a woman. But if you have soiled yourself by touching a women or some other dirty thing, you can clean up without water by rubbing your hands and face in some dirt. That'll do it.
O ye who believe! Draw not near unto prayer when ye are drunken, till ye know that which ye utter ... nor when ye are polluted, save when journeying upon the road, till ye have bathed. And if ye ... cometh from the closet, or ye have touched women, and ye find not water, then go to high clean soil and rub your faces and your hands (therewith). Lo! Allah is Benign, Forgiving. 4:43
Now that that's out of the way, Allah tells us about our enemies.
Allah knoweth best (who are) your enemies. 4:45
And who are our enemies? Everyone except Muslims, of course.
The Jews, whom Allah has cursed for their disbelief, causing them to disbelieve, "save a few."
Some of those who are Jews change words from their context and say: "We hear and disobey; hear thou as one who heareth not" and "Listen to us!" distorting with their tongues and slandering religion. If they had said: "We hear and we obey: hear thou, and look at us" it had been better for them, and more upright. But Allah hath cursed them for their disbelief, so they believe not, save a few. 4:46
But Allah has not only cursed the Jews (causing their disbelief), he turned some of them into apes!
O ye unto whom the Scripture hath been given! Believe in what We have revealed confirming that which ye possess, before We destroy countenances so as to confound them, or curse them as We cursed the Sabbath-breakers (of old time). 4:47
The Christians, who say that Allah has a partner, when, as everyone knows, Allah has no friends or partners.
Allah forgiveth not that a partner should be ascribed unto Him. He forgiveth (all) save that to whom He will. Whoso ascribeth partners to Allah, he hath indeed invented a tremendous sin. 4:48
Those that invent lies about Allah, believe in idols, claim to be more rightly guided, or whatnot. Allah curses them all.
See, how they invent lies about Allah! That of itself is flagrant sin. Hast thou not seen those unto whom a portion of the Scripture hath been given, how they believe in idols and false deities, and how they say of those (idolaters) who disbelieve: "These are more rightly guided than those who believe"? Those are they whom Allah hath cursed, and he whom Allah hath cursed. 4:50-52
And former Muslims. Hell is sufficient for their burning.
And of them were (some) who believed therein and of them were (some) who turned away from it. Hell is sufficient for (their) burning. 4:55
Allah will burn disbelievers in the Fire. And after there skin burns off, he'll replace their skins and do it again and again. Allah is ever Mighty, Wise, Sadistic.
Lo! Those who disbelieve Our revelations, We shall expose them to the Fire. As often as their skins are consumed We shall exchange them for fresh skins that they may taste the torment. Lo! Allah is ever Mighty, Wise. 4:56
But those that believe and do good works will go to gardens after they die, where they'll have lots of shade and pure companions to mess around with forever.
And as for those who believe and do good works, We shall make them enter Gardens underneath which rivers flow - to dwell therein for ever; there for them are pure companions - and We shall make them enter plenteous shade. 4:57
So obey Allah and his messenger Muhammad.
Obey Allah, and obey the messenger and those of you who are in authority; and if ye have a dispute concerning any matter, refer it to Allah and the messenger 4:59
Oppose those that refuse to obey.
Hast thou not seen those who pretend that they believe in that which is revealed unto thee and that which was revealed before thee, how they would go for judgment (in their disputes) to false deities when they have been ordered to abjure them ? Satan would mislead them far astray. And when it is said unto them: Come unto that which Allah hath revealed and unto the messenger, thou seest the hypocrites turn from thee with aversion ... So oppose them and admonish them. 4:60-63
Hang out with Muslims. "The best of company are they!"
Whoso obeyeth Allah and the messenger, they are with those unto whom Allah hath shown favour, of the prophets and the saints and the martyrs and the righteous. The best of company are they! 4:69
Fight the disbelieving minions of the devil in the cause of Allah.
Fight in the way of Allah ... Whoso fighteth in the way of Allah, be he slain or be he victorious, on him We shall bestow a vast reward ... Those who believe do battle for the cause of Allah; and those who disbelieve do battle for the cause of idols. So fight the minions of the devil.4:74-76
And don't worry about dying in battle. Remember the shade and the pure companions. Allah wouldn't hurt the down on a date-stone.
Hast thou not seen those ... when fighting was prescribed ... say: Our Lord! Why hast Thou ordained fighting for us? ... Say (unto them, O Muhammad): The comfort of this world is scant; the Hereafter will be better for him who wardeth off (evil); and ye will not be wronged the down upon a date-stone. 4:77
If something good happens to you, it is because of Allah. If something bad happens, it's your own damn fault. Heads, Allah wins; tails, you lose.
If a happy thing befalleth them they say: This is from Allah; and if an evil thing befalleth them they say: This is of thy doing (O Muhammad). Say (unto them): All is from Allah. Whatever of good befalleth thee (O man) it is from Allah, and whatever of ill befalleth thee it is from thyself. 4:78-79
Whoever obeys Muhammad, obeys Allah. Whoever doesn't, doesn't.
Whoso obeyeth the messenger hath obeyed Allah, and whoso turneth away: We have not sent thee as a warder over them. 4:80
So which would you prefer? Would you rather mess around in the shade with pure companions after you die or have your skin burned off over and over again by Allah?
Allah is Mighty, Wise, Sadistic.
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/07/2011 10:21:00 AM 1 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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06 January 2011The Fowls of Heaven: Is God trying to tell us something by killing red-winged blackbirds?
Who teacheth us more than the beasts of the earth, and maketh us wiser than the fowls of heaven? Job 35:11
You’ve probably heard about the thousands of red-winged blackbirds that fell from the sky on New Year’s Eve in Beebe, Arkansas. Well, that’s got Christians thinking. So I thought I’d help them out with that.
Is God trying to send a message by killing thousands of red-winged blackbirds?
It’s hard to say, but he’s done stuff like that before.
During the Exodus, for example, to punish the people for complaining about the lack of food and water, God sent a great wind that caused several trillion quail to fall from the sky. He forced the people to eat quail until it came out their noses. Literally.
Ye shall not eat one day, nor two days, nor five days, neither ten days, nor twenty days; But even a whole month, until it come out at your nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you. … And there went forth a wind from the LORD, and brought quails from the sea, and let them fall by the camp, as it were a day's journey on this side, and as it were a day's journey on the other side, round about the camp, and as it were two cubits high upon the face of the earth. Numbers 11:19-31
So maybe God was just punishing the people of Beebe for complaining about their food. If so, then the Christians of Beebe should eat every last bird that fell from the sky. Eat them until it comes out their noses, or else God might get angry and send a “very great plague.” That’s what he did to the Israelites.
And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague. Numbers 11:33
I just hope it's not too late. Because if people don't eat the dead birds, birds will be eating dead people in the last supper of the great God.
Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God. … And all the fowls were filled with their flesh. Revelation 19:17-21
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/06/2011 12:32:00 PM 3 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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04 January 2011What does God look like (according to the Bible)?
I've already told you what Jesus looks like. Long white robe, golden girdle, white face and hair, red eyes, brass feet, seven stars in hand, sword sticking out of mouth. He's hard to miss.
And here's what he'll look like when he gets into his planned mass killings at the end of the world, which I guess is scheduled for May 21, 2011.
Oh yeah, there's one more thing we know about Jesus: he's got a tattoo on either his thigh or scrotum. We'll have to wait until May 21st to find out which it is.
But what about Jesus' dad? You know, God the Father. Has anyone ever seen him?
Well, it depends on whom you ask. Here are some verses from the Bible that claim that no one has seen God and that God can't be seen.
There shall no man see me, and live. Exodus 33:20
No man hath seen God at any time. John 1:18
Not that any man hath seen the Father. John 6:46:
Now unto the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only wise God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. 1 Timothy 1:17
Whom no man hath seen nor can see. 1 Timothy 6:16
No man hath seen God at any time. 1 John 4:12
And yet there are quite a few reported sightings of God in the Bible.
Moses was one of the first to see God. But he only got a glimpse of his "back parts."
The LORD said unto Moses ... I will make all my goodness pass before thee ... Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live ... Thou shalt stand upon a rock: And ... while my glory passeth by ... I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts. Exodus 33:17-23
Amos saw the Full Monty, though, with God standing on a wall holding a plumb line in his hand.
The LORD stood upon a wall made by a plumbline, with a plumbline in his hand. Amos 7:7
And then a little later he saw him again standing on the altar.
I saw the LORD standing upon the altar: and he said.... Amos 9:1
Ezekiel got a good look at God's loins (the glory of the Lord) and it looked to him like they were on fire. (Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire!)
And I saw ... the appearance of his loins.... This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. And when I saw it, I fell upon my face. Ezekiel 1:27-28
Then I beheld, and lo a likeness as the appearance of fire: from the appearance of his loins even downward, fire; and from his loins even upward. Ezekiel 8:2
From Habakkuk, we know that God has horns coming out of his hand, with disease in front of him and burning coals at his feet. (Feet, like thighs in the Bible are often euphemisms for genitals. So maybe Ezekiel was right about God's burning loins!)
God ... had horns coming out of his hand. ... Before him went the pestilence, and burning coals went forth at his feet. Habakkuk 3:3-5
And finally, Zechariah and Revelation tell us about God's eyes. He has seven of them, to go along with his seven spirits and seven horns on his head. (The seven-eyed, seven-horned dead lamb in Revelation is probably Jesus, though. It's hard to tell the two apart sometimes. As Jesus said, "He that has seen me, has seen the father.")
Those seven; they are the eyes of the LORD, which run to and fro through the whole earth. Zechariah 4:10
And I beheld ... a Lamb as it had been slain, having seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven Spirits of God sent forth into all the earth. Revelation 5:6
To sum up then, here's what we know about God: He has seven eyes, coals at his feet, loins on fire, and horns coming out of his hand. (Oh yeah, I almost forgot. He's also a redhead.)
You'll know him when you see him.
Posted by Steve Wells at 1/04/2011 10:21:00 AM 17 comments Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
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