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My ex-Christian Story.
Posted by Rudy Ruddell on May 14, 2010 at 11:59pm
View Blog
.


This is my ex-Christian story. My parents were both reared in very religious protestant farming families in Iowa. I was born in 1957 while they were attending Los Angeles Chiropractic College.
 We attended the church in which my parents were raised. This church was called
 Christian Conventions, but if you asked a member what the name of their church
 was, they would say they did not have a name. However, they would gladly refer
 you to one of their missionaries, called workers, who could explain the religion
 to you. In fact, I did not even know their name until I recently Googled them
 based on their hymnal. Christian Convention members claim their religion does
 not need a name because they were the original and only Christians. Christian
 Conventions members believe that they are the only people going to heaven
 because only they follow the Bible precisely.

During their Sunday worship at members’ houses, the members sang hymns off key, without a leader or a piano. They took turns praying in old English and then took turns giving their
 response to passages in the Bible. They did not pass a donation plate but they
 pass around the grape juice and each person took turns picking a piece off a
 slice of Wonder Bread. Children were not allowed to partake of the Wonder Bread.
 I remember resenting the fact that I could not eat the bread. I could not wait
 to be a grown up so I could do these adult activities. Not being old enough was
 a recurrent theme in my Christian upbringing. Not being old enough became my
 primary motivation for becoming a Christian although I did not realize it at
 the time.

Christian Conventions members are not allowed to watch TV, dance, drink alcohol, smoke, or exchange gifts on Christmas. The women cannot wear make up or cut their hair, but they could wear
 black socks and long dresses. The men could wear whatever they wanted but they
 could not grow out their facial hair. There are about a million of them
 worldwide.

When my dad was about 20 years old, he was a missionary for the Christian Convention church. He was not allowed to own anything. He and his partner just lived off the church members as he
 travelled. He had a bad experience with his missionary partner so he joined the
 army. Upon return, he married my mother and both enrolled in chiropractic college.
 My parents had occasionally expressed doubts about whether Christian
 Conventions members were the only ones going to heaven.

I did not have many friends as a child because I moved from school to school many times until I was eight. I wanted to fit in with my peers, but I always felt I was different because of my
 religion and because I was frequently the new kid in school. As a result, my
 parents and the church people were a big part of my childhood. The adults in my
 life were the people I was trying to please, but I was frustrated with them
 because they never accepted me as an equal due to my youth.

When I was seven years old, my parents quit the Christian Conventions Church. When I was eight years old, my mother converted to Southern Baptist while my dad stopped going to church. I
 was told that I could be baptized, but only after I reached “the age of
 accountability “ and “accepted Jesus as my savior.” Again, I was frustrated by
 my young age and wanted to prove that I had reached “the age of accountability”
so I could be “saved” and baptized. One day, the preacher talked to me about
 Jesus and I started crying. I was “saved” and was later baptized by being
 dunked in water by the preacher.

My mother’s devotion to the church pushed a wedge between my parents. My dad wanted to do fun things like drive to the mountains on a Sunday but my mother wanted to go to church instead and
 accused my dad of taking her away from her church. They divorced when I was ten
 and my dad moved away.

By age 11, I had become a bible-thumping evangelical Southern Baptist who carried a New Testament in his shirt pocket for “leading people to the Lord.” I lead one friend to the Lord who later
 became an Army chaplain. However, my heart was never into talking to people
 about Jesus. I was worried about being seen as a Jesus freak.

In Sunday school, I remember asking questions about the Bible: How could God have never been created? What did God do before creating the world, just sit around? What do we do in heaven? How
 could Jesus be his own father? Many times when I did not understand the answer,
 I was told that I would understand when I got older. I was again frustrated
 because I was not old enough. As I aged, though, none of my questions were
 answered and my understanding of the world did not become clearer as a
 Christian.

Then, in a sophomore high school world religions class, a guest speaker preacher told a Moslem foreign exchange girl that she was going to hell
 when she died. I began to question whether the God that I knew would issue
 eternal punishment to an innocent religious girl who was raised in a
 non-Christian religion. Later, in college, I learned about evolution and
 finally I felt like I was starting to understand the universe. Finally things
 made sense. I was old enough! I became a passive atheist; that is, I did not
 try to convince anyone to be atheist or join any group.

I did spend a week with the Moonies, not knowing who it was. They lured me in with a meal and kept me there for food and being with a bunch of seemingly happy people. Finally they started
 to preach their dogma, so I left.

Since then, I have been drawn into religious life many times because I yearned for fellowship and connection to something bigger than me. However, because I did
 not believe in God, none of the religious episodes ever lasted very long.
 Perhaps the most enduring religious phase was when I joined the Catholic Church
 in order to be a part of the same church as my wife, my older son born in 1987,
 and my younger son born in 1990.

It is very easy to be an atheist in the Catholic Church because there is very little discussion of beliefs. In fact, during my become-a-catholic class, I told the priest that I had doubts
 that God existed, but he said that was okay with him. After all, he probably
 thought I would be contributing when the plate was passed. I could look and
 feel very holy without saying anything. I just crossed myself, bowed before
 entering the pew and put holy water on my forehead, but I felt very
 disingenuous doing so. I did not have to look anyone in the eye and say that I
 believed in God, like I would have to do as a Baptist.

Another religious experience as an atheist was that I found myself praying even though I know I was just talking to myself. I rationalized that I was just talking to my subconscious mind. When
 I tried to stop praying, I would get an empty purposeless feeling about not
 having an imaginary friend to whom to talk. In 2005, I joined a Universalist
 church that welcomed atheists, but I quit after they said it was expected that
 I donate at least $100 per month.

When my younger son was about 13, going to Catholic (CCD) classes, he told me that his religion teacher told the class that she saw ghosts and she shared specific
 instances with the class. My son was rather disturbed about this ghost story
 telling and I think that experience planted seeds of doubt in his mind about
 God. Later, after my younger son became a confirmed Catholic at age 17, he told
 me he had become an atheist. I found out from him that my other son was also
 atheist. I decided to come out of the closet and be true to myself about my
 atheism and I have not regretted my decision. However, I still sometimes ask
 myself, what if I am wrong and I will be going to hell?

To fight these irrational thoughts, I became very active on Facebook, joining every Atheist group I could find and contributing to discussions whenever possible. The more active I am as an
 atheist, the less frequently I wonder whether I am going to hell. It helps me
 heal from my Christianity when I think, talk, and write about how ridiculous it
 is to believe in a book of magical tales of unknown authors written thousands
 of years ago. Although I regret raising my boys as Catholics, I think they will
 have a much easier time breaking away from irrational thoughts than I did.

I hope I can someday help someone break away from religion and irrationality. I hope I can help prevent someone from worrying about whether God was telling him/her to do something or God is
 leading him/her in a certain direction. All these kinds of thoughts are
 stressful and totally unnecessary.

Recently, I read The God Delusion (Richard Dawkins) and A Letter to a Christian Nation (Sam Harris), which helped me a lot in erasing my irrational doubts about atheism. I am currently reading
 The God Virus (Darryl Ray), which is helping me to understand why I am having
 difficulty breaking away from Christianity. Religion is behaves like a virus in
 many ways and is very difficult to eradicate completely.

For example, I want to write an atheist book. Recently I found out I might be unemployed for the summer and I found myself telling myself, “God must have set things up so I can write my book.” I
 may have these viral episodes the rest of my life.
"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EN-US;
 mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"> The God Virus
 also helped me realize that the only way to help rid the world of religion in
 the U.S. is by improving science education. I also believe I can help an individual
 recover from the God virus, but only if he/she has already started to recover
 and are asking questions. If an individual is severely infected, there is
 virtually no presentation of the facts that will sway him/her. I have never
 undertaken a cause other than Christianity, but now I want to help rid the
 world of religion. If there is anything I can do to help heal people from the
 God virus, I will go to great lengths to further that endeavor.

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 Comment by Rusty Gunn. on May 15, 2010 at 3:54pm
Your story is a classical example of how people's lives get screwed up by religion. My heart goes out to you because I know NONE OF IT was your fault, yet you'll have to live with the by-product of all that brainwashing until the day you die. Well, you appear to be well on the way to recovery. Stay the course.
.
 Comment by Secular Sue on May 15, 2010 at 4:02am
For me, prayer was one of the last things to go. It was a default setting, automatic reaction. Even after I didn't believe, I found myself asking Anybody-Who-Might-Be-Out-There for help. I can imagine, in a tragedy, I might still resort to that....
 if I was out of my mind and overly sedated.
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My ex-Christian Story.
Posted by Rudy Ruddell on May 14, 2010 at 11:59pm
View Blog
.


This is my ex-Christian story. My parents were both reared in very religious protestant farming families in Iowa. I was born in 1957 while they were attending Los Angeles Chiropractic College.
 We attended the church in which my parents were raised. This church was called
 Christian Conventions, but if you asked a member what the name of their church
 was, they would say they did not have a name. However, they would gladly refer
 you to one of their missionaries, called workers, who could explain the religion
 to you. In fact, I did not even know their name until I recently Googled them
 based on their hymnal. Christian Convention members claim their religion does
 not need a name because they were the original and only Christians. Christian
 Conventions members believe that they are the only people going to heaven
 because only they follow the Bible precisely.

During their Sunday worship at members’ houses, the members sang hymns off key, without a leader or a piano. They took turns praying in old English and then took turns giving their
 response to passages in the Bible. They did not pass a donation plate but they
 pass around the grape juice and each person took turns picking a piece off a
 slice of Wonder Bread. Children were not allowed to partake of the Wonder Bread.
 I remember resenting the fact that I could not eat the bread. I could not wait
 to be a grown up so I could do these adult activities. Not being old enough was
 a recurrent theme in my Christian upbringing. Not being old enough became my
 primary motivation for becoming a Christian although I did not realize it at
 the time.

Christian Conventions members are not allowed to watch TV, dance, drink alcohol, smoke, or exchange gifts on Christmas. The women cannot wear make up or cut their hair, but they could wear
 black socks and long dresses. The men could wear whatever they wanted but they
 could not grow out their facial hair. There are about a million of them
 worldwide.

When my dad was about 20 years old, he was a missionary for the Christian Convention church. He was not allowed to own anything. He and his partner just lived off the church members as he
 travelled. He had a bad experience with his missionary partner so he joined the
 army. Upon return, he married my mother and both enrolled in chiropractic college.
 My parents had occasionally expressed doubts about whether Christian
 Conventions members were the only ones going to heaven.

I did not have many friends as a child because I moved from school to school many times until I was eight. I wanted to fit in with my peers, but I always felt I was different because of my
 religion and because I was frequently the new kid in school. As a result, my
 parents and the church people were a big part of my childhood. The adults in my
 life were the people I was trying to please, but I was frustrated with them
 because they never accepted me as an equal due to my youth.

When I was seven years old, my parents quit the Christian Conventions Church. When I was eight years old, my mother converted to Southern Baptist while my dad stopped going to church. I
 was told that I could be baptized, but only after I reached “the age of
 accountability “ and “accepted Jesus as my savior.” Again, I was frustrated by
 my young age and wanted to prove that I had reached “the age of accountability”
so I could be “saved” and baptized. One day, the preacher talked to me about
 Jesus and I started crying. I was “saved” and was later baptized by being
 dunked in water by the preacher.

My mother’s devotion to the church pushed a wedge between my parents. My dad wanted to do fun things like drive to the mountains on a Sunday but my mother wanted to go to church instead and
 accused my dad of taking her away from her church. They divorced when I was ten
 and my dad moved away.

By age 11, I had become a bible-thumping evangelical Southern Baptist who carried a New Testament in his shirt pocket for “leading people to the Lord.” I lead one friend to the Lord who later
 became an Army chaplain. However, my heart was never into talking to people
 about Jesus. I was worried about being seen as a Jesus freak.

In Sunday school, I remember asking questions about the Bible: How could God have never been created? What did God do before creating the world, just sit around? What do we do in heaven? How
 could Jesus be his own father? Many times when I did not understand the answer,
 I was told that I would understand when I got older. I was again frustrated
 because I was not old enough. As I aged, though, none of my questions were
 answered and my understanding of the world did not become clearer as a
 Christian.

Then, in a sophomore high school world religions class, a guest speaker preacher told a Moslem foreign exchange girl that she was going to hell
 when she died. I began to question whether the God that I knew would issue
 eternal punishment to an innocent religious girl who was raised in a
 non-Christian religion. Later, in college, I learned about evolution and
 finally I felt like I was starting to understand the universe. Finally things
 made sense. I was old enough! I became a passive atheist; that is, I did not
 try to convince anyone to be atheist or join any group.

I did spend a week with the Moonies, not knowing who it was. They lured me in with a meal and kept me there for food and being with a bunch of seemingly happy people. Finally they started
 to preach their dogma, so I left.

Since then, I have been drawn into religious life many times because I yearned for fellowship and connection to something bigger than me. However, because I did
 not believe in God, none of the religious episodes ever lasted very long.
 Perhaps the most enduring religious phase was when I joined the Catholic Church
 in order to be a part of the same church as my wife, my older son born in 1987,
 and my younger son born in 1990.

It is very easy to be an atheist in the Catholic Church because there is very little discussion of beliefs. In fact, during my become-a-catholic class, I told the priest that I had doubts
 that God existed, but he said that was okay with him. After all, he probably
 thought I would be contributing when the plate was passed. I could look and
 feel very holy without saying anything. I just crossed myself, bowed before
 entering the pew and put holy water on my forehead, but I felt very
 disingenuous doing so. I did not have to look anyone in the eye and say that I
 believed in God, like I would have to do as a Baptist.

Another religious experience as an atheist was that I found myself praying even though I know I was just talking to myself. I rationalized that I was just talking to my subconscious mind. When
 I tried to stop praying, I would get an empty purposeless feeling about not
 having an imaginary friend to whom to talk. In 2005, I joined a Universalist
 church that welcomed atheists, but I quit after they said it was expected that
 I donate at least $100 per month.

When my younger son was about 13, going to Catholic (CCD) classes, he told me that his religion teacher told the class that she saw ghosts and she shared specific
 instances with the class. My son was rather disturbed about this ghost story
 telling and I think that experience planted seeds of doubt in his mind about
 God. Later, after my younger son became a confirmed Catholic at age 17, he told
 me he had become an atheist. I found out from him that my other son was also
 atheist. I decided to come out of the closet and be true to myself about my
 atheism and I have not regretted my decision. However, I still sometimes ask
 myself, what if I am wrong and I will be going to hell?

To fight these irrational thoughts, I became very active on Facebook, joining every Atheist group I could find and contributing to discussions whenever possible. The more active I am as an
 atheist, the less frequently I wonder whether I am going to hell. It helps me
 heal from my Christianity when I think, talk, and write about how ridiculous it
 is to believe in a book of magical tales of unknown authors written thousands
 of years ago. Although I regret raising my boys as Catholics, I think they will
 have a much easier time breaking away from irrational thoughts than I did.

I hope I can someday help someone break away from religion and irrationality. I hope I can help prevent someone from worrying about whether God was telling him/her to do something or God is
 leading him/her in a certain direction. All these kinds of thoughts are
 stressful and totally unnecessary.

Recently, I read The God Delusion (Richard Dawkins) and A Letter to a Christian Nation (Sam Harris), which helped me a lot in erasing my irrational doubts about atheism. I am currently reading
 The God Virus (Darryl Ray), which is helping me to understand why I am having
 difficulty breaking away from Christianity. Religion is behaves like a virus in
 many ways and is very difficult to eradicate completely.

For example, I want to write an atheist book. Recently I found out I might be unemployed for the summer and I found myself telling myself, “God must have set things up so I can write my book.” I
 may have these viral episodes the rest of my life.
"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EN-US;
 mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"> The God Virus
 also helped me realize that the only way to help rid the world of religion in
 the U.S. is by improving science education. I also believe I can help an individual
 recover from the God virus, but only if he/she has already started to recover
 and are asking questions. If an individual is severely infected, there is
 virtually no presentation of the facts that will sway him/her. I have never
 undertaken a cause other than Christianity, but now I want to help rid the
 world of religion. If there is anything I can do to help heal people from the
 God virus, I will go to great lengths to further that endeavor.

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 Comment by Rusty Gunn. on May 15, 2010 at 3:54pm
Your story is a classical example of how people's lives get screwed up by religion. My heart goes out to you because I know NONE OF IT was your fault, yet you'll have to live with the by-product of all that brainwashing until the day you die. Well, you appear to be well on the way to recovery. Stay the course.
.
 Comment by Secular Sue on May 15, 2010 at 4:02am
For me, prayer was one of the last things to go. It was a default setting, automatic reaction. Even after I didn't believe, I found myself asking Anybody-Who-Might-Be-Out-There for help. I can imagine, in a tragedy, I might still resort to that....
 if I was out of my mind and overly sedated.
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sk8eycat commented on A Former Member's group HUMANE ATHEISTS.
1 hour ago
.
Joan Denoo liked Daniel W's discussion Jesus Arrested in Philadelphia.
2 hours ago
.
Joan Denoo replied to Madhukar Kulkarni's discussion Knowledge and Atheism in the group ORIGINS: UNIVERSE, LIFE, HUMANKIND, AND DARWIN.
2 hours ago
.
sk8eycat replied to Daniel W's discussion Jesus Arrested in Philadelphia.
3 hours ago
.
Joan Denoo replied to Madhukar Kulkarni's discussion Knowledge and Atheism in the group ORIGINS: UNIVERSE, LIFE, HUMANKIND, AND DARWIN.
3 hours ago
.
Tom Sarbeck replied to Patricia's discussion Hell for christians? Hell for all? in the group No Nonsense.
3 hours ago
.
Freethinker31 replied to Tom Sarbeck's discussion Unthinking Democratic Policy versus Unfeeling Republican Policy.
4 hours ago
.
booklover replied to Tom Sarbeck's discussion Unthinking Democratic Policy versus Unfeeling Republican Policy.
4 hours ago
.
sk8eycat commented on Donald R Barbera's blog post Do Atheists Talk About Anything Other Than God?.
4 hours ago
.
Freethinker31 replied to Tom Sarbeck's discussion Unthinking Democratic Policy versus Unfeeling Republican Policy.
4 hours ago
.
Tom Sarbeck replied to Tom Sarbeck's discussion Unthinking Democratic Policy versus Unfeeling Republican Policy.
4 hours ago
.
Tom Sarbeck replied to Tom Sarbeck's discussion Unthinking Democratic Policy versus Unfeeling Republican Policy.
4 hours ago
..
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