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A Different View of Homosexuality …according to the Bible
A Common Bond's response to the anti-gay teachings of the Watchtower.
The Watchtower's view:
"You wouldn’t think of choosing to eat a meal of filthy garbage, would you? What, then, if you are continually exposed to mental garbage? It is bound to become part of your thinking. When watching a motion picture, you are, in effect, associating with the kinds of persons being portrayed on the screen. And movies are deliberately designed to involve you emotionally with the characters, often arousing sympathy for the wrongdoer—the fornicator, the homosexual, even the murderer. Do you want to get deeply involved in such a way with homosexuals, lesbians, fornicators, adulterers and criminals?" -- Your Youth - Getting the Best Out of It -- chapter 16
Over the years, Watchtower publications have repeatedly condemned homosexuality, claiming that same-sex relationships are scripturally forbidden. The most common adjectives used by Watchtower publications to describe homosexuality are "detestable" and "abomination". As Jehovah's Witnesses, we were taught to think of ourselves in such a way, believing that the Bible passages commonly cited in Watchtower publications were correct interpretations, and that our only hope for salvation was to attempt to lead a heterosexual lifestyle, or at least remain celibate for the rest of our lives. Known homosexuals who are proselytized into the Witnesses may be encouraged to marry (a common misconception that this will "cure" their homosexuality), but are absolutely expected to live a life of celibacy unless married to a member of the opposite sex. Gay and Lesbian Jehovah's Witnesses are required to preach from house to house, often distributing Watchtower literature which carry condemnatory statements against same-sex relationships. Many such individuals, unable to reconcile their sexuality with what they have been taught the Bible says about them, have been led to enter into heterosexual relationships against their nature, often with disastrous results. Others, plagued by feelings of hypocrisy and/or self-condemnation, in an attempt to escape their guilty consciences, have found themselves faced with alcoholism, drug addiction, or the all-too-often worst case scenario, suicide.
This essay will examine the scriptures commonly used to bash gays & Lesbians over the head with the Bible. It will clearly show that the Bible passages commonly used by the Watchtower are mistranslated or taken out of context. Many scholars studying the Bible's original Hebrew and Greek texts have reached markedly different conclusions about the correct usages of these verses. Support for this research may be found in their published works, a few of which we've listed under "Suggested Reading" below. We hope that, just as the ancient Beroeans, you will read these words below with an open mind, putting all misconceptions and prejudgements aside. (All scriptures cited will be quoted from the New World Translation, the Bible translation used by Jehovah's Witnesses.) Genesis 19: 1-28
The ancient story of Sodom and Gomorrah has been used throughout the centuries as a condemnation of homosexuality, to the point where certain sex acts have become referred to as "Sodomy". The verses in this story most commonly referred to as proof that the Sodomites were homosexual are verses 4 and 5: "Before they could lie down, the men of the city, the men of Sodom, surrounded the house, from boy to old man, all the people in one mob. And they kept calling out to Lot and saying to him: 'Where are the men who came in to you tonight? Bring them out to us that we may have intercourse with them." Examining this scripture, the first thing we see is that all the people, in one mob, demanded that Lot bring out the visitors to them. If we are to believe that the account of Sodom & Gomorrah is a condemnation of homosexuality, then we must accept the fact that the entire city consisted of homosexuals. If we look in the previous chapter, Genesis 18: 16-33, we see an account of Abraham negotiating with God to spare the people of Sodom, with the final outcome of God promising "I shall not bring it to ruin on account of the ten" (verse 33). God promised Abraham that Sodom would not be destroyed if only ten "righteous men" could be found I the city. If we are to accept the Watchtower's logic, this would mean that the "righteous men" referred to were heterosexuals. At this point, we need to ask ourselves: What would be the odds of less than ten people in the entire region of Sodom & Gomorrah being heterosexual? The obvious answer is: Impossible.
If homosexuality was not being referred to in this passage, then what was? Looking at the scriptures in Hebrew, we find an interesting usage of a couple of different words. When the mob cries out "Where are the men who came in to you tonight?", the Hebrew word translated men is 'enowsh which, literally translated, means "mortal".
This indicates that the mob knew that Lot had visitors, but were unsure of what sex they were. The Hebrew word for "man" (utilized in this same passage in Genesis 19:8) is entirely different.
One has to ask: Why would homosexuals want to have sex with two strangers if they were unsure of what sex they were?
The passage translated as "Bring them out so that we may have intercourse with them" needs further examination as well. Other Bible translations read "so that we may know them". The Hebrew word herewith translated as "have intercourse", or "know" is yada.
This word, yada, appears in the Hebrew Scriptures a total of 943 times. In all but ten of these usages, the word is used in the context of getting acquainted with someone. Had the writer intended for his reading audience to believe that the mob wanted to have sexual intercourse with the strangers, he would have used the Hebrew word shakab, which vividly denotes sexual activity.
The correct translation, therefore, should be rendered something to the effect of: "Where are the mortals who came in to you tonight? Bring them out to us that we may get acquainted with them."
So then, if the story of Sodom & Gomorrah was not a condemnation of homosexuality, what was it trying to convey? Two verses elsewhere in the Bible sum up the story this way: "Look! This is what proved to be the error of Sodom your sister: Pride, sufficiency of bread and the carefreeness of keeping undisturbed were what happened to belong to her and her dependent towns, and the hand of the afflicted one and the poor one she did not strengthen. And they continued to be haughty and to carry on a detestable thing before me, and I finally removed them, just as I saw [fit]" - Ezekiel 16: 49, 50. It is commonly assumed that the "detestable thing" referred to in this passage is homosexuality. In fact, the Hebrew word utilized here is tow'ebah, which translated literally means "to commit idol worship".
This can be seen in the original Genesis passage, chapter 19, verse 8: "Please, here I have two daughters who have never had intercourse with a man. Please let me bring them out to you. Then do to them as is good in your eyes." One must ask: If Lot's house was surrounded by homosexuals, why would he offer the mob women? Note that these women were virgins. Note also that the Sodomites were pagans. Virgin sacrifices to idols were a common practice Sodom. Therefore, it can be concluded that Lot was offering his daughters as a virgin sacrifice to appease the mob in an effort to protect the visitors.
In the Greek scriptures, the story of Sodom is summed up this way: "and by reducing the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah to ashes he condemned them, setting a pattern for ungodly persons of things to come". This corroborates Ezekiel's summation, once again showing that these were "ungodly persons", in other words, idolaters, not worshippers of the true God.
The story of Sodom and Gomorrah, therefore, is a condemnation of idol worshippers, a greedy and inhospitable society. The judgement of this region had nothing, absolutely nothing to do with homosexuality! Leviticus 18:22 Leviticus 20:13
The message was clear to the ancient Israelites: semen was to be used for one purpose alone - procreation. Spilled semen, whether by masturbation, anal penetration, or homosexuality, was not to be tolerated. It was a "numbers game". One of the Bible's earliest edicts, it's theme repeated through the Old Testament, was to "be fruitful and multiply". Many strict regulations were imposed on the ancient Israelites. The "chosen ones of God" understood each of these regulations to be equally important. In the Greek scriptures, James points this fact out by stating: "For whoever observes all the law but makes a false step in one point, he has become an offender against them all." Watchtower publications, however, selectively cite the two scriptures in Leviticus as a condemnation of homosexuality, overlooking James' words which state, in essence, that if you've broken just one of the laws, you've broken them all. Leviticus 19:27 condemns haircuts and shaving. Have you ever seen a long-haired, bearded Jehovah's Witness male? Leviticus 19:19 condemns wearing clothing made of more than one type of thread. How many Jehovah's Witnesses wear clothing made of 50% cotton and 50% polyester? Taking the Bible literally, such individuals are equally guilty as homosexuals. When questioned by the pharisees regarding the ancient laws, Jesus' reply was "I came, not to destroy, but to fulfill". In other words, Christianity and love of God and fellow man was a replacement for the ancient codes, many of which were no longer practical or relevant.
But do these two passages really condemn homosexuality? Looking at the scriptures in Hebrew, one sees a different condemnation. Leviticus 20:13 states, in part, "When a man lies down with a male the same as one lies down with a woman". Had the writer intended to convey homosexuality being condemned here, he would have likely used the Hebrew word 'iysh, which means "man", or "male person". Instead, the author utilizes a much more complicated Hebrew word, zakar, which literally translated means "a person worthy of recognition".
This word was used to refer to high priests of the surrounding idolatrous religions. It was believed that by granting sexual favors to the high priest (a fertility rite), one would be guaranteed an abundance of children and crops. Taking Leviticus 18: 22 into proper context, then, one looks at the preceding verse 21: "And you must not allow the devoting of any of your offspring to Molech". What we see here in actuality are warnings to the Israelites not to engage in the fertility rituals of the worshippers of Molech, which often required the granting of sexual favors to the priest. Had this been a mere condemnation of homosexuals, the writer would have used clearer language. Romans 1:26-27 1 Cor. 6: 9-11 1 Tim. 1:9-11
Greek, like Hebrew, is a much more descriptive language than English. As an example, while we have the word "love", Greek has agape, storge, philia, and eros - each describing a different form of love. Further, meanings of words can change over generations. A typical example would be if someone were referred to as a "space cadet" thirty years ago, likely they were employed by NASA. Today, the same phrase would be an insult. Thus, it is easy to understand why words in the ancient Greek could be misinterpreted, as are the terms "men who lie with men", "abusers of mankind", "homosexual", and "pervert" in the above referenced scriptures. The two words in Greek used in the above scriptures that are commonly mistranslated as such are arsenokoites and malakos. Bible scholars now believe arsenokoites to mean "male temple prostitute", as mentioned in the Hebrew scriptures at Deut. 23: 17-18. The actual meaning of this word, however, has been lost in history, as it was a slang term which, literally translated, means "lift bed".
The Greek malakos, literally translated, means "spineless" (some linguistics scholars translate it as "limp", or "coward").
What is important to note here is that both of these words are nouns. In ancient Greek, there is no known noun to define homosexuality. It was always expressed as a verb. Just as in the Hebrew scriptures examined above, the Greek scriptures make reference to those who engaged in idolatrous practices, much of which centered around sex in return for favors. Neither the homosexual nor the direct idea of homosexuality appears anywhere in these passages. Had the writer intended to make a clear point about condemnation of gays, the Greek verb would have been utilized rather than the above-referenced nouns which are directly related to cowardice and idolatry.
But what of Paul's statement at Romans 1 where "females changed the natural use of themselves into one contrary to nature and likewise even the males left the natural use of the female and became violently inflamed in their lust towards one another"? The answer lies in Paul's words in verses 22 & 23: "Although asserting they were wise, they became foolish and turned the glory of the incorruptible God into something like the image of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed creatures and creeping things." Obviously, Paul's reference here is to idolatry. As mentioned above in examining the Hebrew scriptures, many pagan idol-worshipping religions of Paul's day taught that by granting sexual favors to the high priest, the one giving the favor would be rewarded with fertility of crops and offspring. It then becomes clear that Paul's reference was not to same-sex, loving relationships, but his condemnations focused on heterosexuals who, going against their own sexual nature, granted sexual favors to the leaders of pagan religions in expectation of reward by the pagan gods. In Conclusion...
...nowhere in the Bible is any negative reference made to loving same-sex relationships. In fact, two positive references appear in the Hebrew scriptures of love between two people of the same sex:
2 Samuel 1:26 states: "I am distressed over you, my brother Jonathan, very pleasant you were to me. More wonderful was your love to me than the love from women."
Ruth 1: 16, 17 states: "And Ruth proceeded to say: 'Do not plead with me to abandon you, to turn back from accompanying you; for where you go I shall go, and where you spend the night I shall spend the night. Your people will be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I shall die, and there is where I shall be buried. May Jehovah do so to me and add to it if anything but death should make a separation between me and you'."
While no mention is made of actual sexual activity between these two same-sex couples, it must be pointed out that these couples had made covenants with each other. To the ancient Israelites, a covenant was viewed as a holy bond, a powerful uniting of two people.
While we do not expect the Watchtower Society to alter its views on homosexuality, it is our hope that those who are affected by the Watchtower's negative stance towards gays and Lesbians will now take a second look at these scriptures and read them in the context in which were actually meant to be understood. A Common Bond is here to offer our support, acceptance, and love to our Gay and Lesbian Brothers and Sisters worldwide. Please contact us! RECOMMENDED READING:
Christianity, Social Tolerance, and Homosexuality - by John Boswell
Good News for Modern Gays - by Rev. Sylvia Pennington
Sex Positive - by Larry J. Uhrig
Homosexuality and Religion - edited by Richard Hasbany PhD
Living in Sin? - by Bishop John Shelby Spong
What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality - by Daniel Helminiak
Openly Gay Openly Christian - by Rev. Samuel Kader
Steps To Recovery From Bible Abuse - by Rembert Truluck
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October 1, 2010
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Does A Common Bond “Bash” Jehovah’s Witnesses?
The View From Inside
As one might expect, this website is not looked upon favorably by the Jehovah's Witnesses (JW) religion. Its membership is taught that homosexuality is "a sin", "an abomination", "detestable", and various other assorted words synonymous with evil. These teachings are based on certain cited passages in the Bible that the JWs are taught condemn homosexuality. Members who practice same-sex relations are likely to be disfellowshipped, thus ostracizing the gay JW from the rest of the religious community. Some JWs go so far as to state (and actually believe) that there are no gay people in their midst. Occasionally, the webmaster of this website will receive correspondence from active JWs condemning our activity. In some cases, well-meaning JWs will encourage us to "repent" and return to the congregation for reinstatement. Others are not so kind. A Common Bond (ACB) is seen by some JWs as a threat to their religious organization. We have been accused of infiltrating their assemblies, trying to "recruit" members into "the gay lifestyle." Announcements have been made at some of their assemblies to "beware of homosexual apostates" in their midst. The Watchtower organization is notorious for perpetuating the myth that homosexuals are predatory, equating them with pedophiles.
In actuality, it is not now, nor has it ever been, the mission of ACB to engage in any such covert activity at JW assemblies. Some of our chapters have periodically made ACB's presence known to JWs, but at a distance -- never an "in your face" demonstration. For example, the San Francisco ACB chapter for several years stood across the street from the JW district assemblies at the Cow Palace in an effort to let gay members within their midst know that we are here to support them. We chose not to stand on the same side of the street as the assembly in order to avoid making the attending JWs uncomfortable, and so that we could not be accused of "recruitment". It has always been ACB's policy to make ourselves available for support, respecting individual choice, privacy, and anonymity, and never agressively campaigning for members. Even though we are clear in these policies, because the Watchtower organization chooses to look upon ACB members as sinners and apostates, it is to be expected that active members will look upon our support network with negativity and think the worst of us. The very fact that we are no longer members in good standing automatically brands us as "bashers" in the eyes of most JWs, even though we emphatically declare that the purpose of our network is for support, not negativity.
Some of Your Members Hate the JWs!
There is no denying that, due to our sexual orientation, a number of ACB members have had negative experiences as members of the JWs. Some are more vocal about this than others. They do not represent ACB as a whole, but at the same time, we do not discourage them from sharing their experiences. There is a reason for this. While some other religions practice excommunication or shunning to a degree, the frequency and enforcement of reproof and disfellowshipment amongst the JWs is unprecedented. When an individual is expelled (or chooses to disassociate), the active JW membership is required to shun them. This ostracism is intended to bring the individual to shame and repentance so that they return to the organization. Often, this has the opposite effect. Since the JWs discourage association with "worldly" people, when an individual is expelled or voluntarily leaves, they not only leave behind their religious belief system, but also the only circle of people they ever called "friends." This abandonment triggers the grief process, not unlike when a person loses a loved one in death. The expelled JW must grieve the loss of everyone they've ever known, including, in many cases, their own families. Part of the grieving process entails a period of anger. Experiencing and working through this anger is healthy, and, as long as the person is simultaneously reaching out for support, will lead to acceptance. When the individual ACB member expresses anger at the Watchtower organization, we recognize this as a necessary phase many former JWs must go through in order to achieve a healthier outlook and come to peace with themselves and their circumstances. Not all ACB members have experienced negativity during their tenure as JWs. In fact, some report pleasant experiences as JWs, as well as being able to maintain friendly regular contact with their JW families and/or friends despite their having come out as gay. Such individuals often are made uncomfortable by the anger and rage others have expressed, and accuse ACB of sanctioning their "bashing" of the organization. ACB recognizes the diversity of experiences of individuals coming out of the JW organization, and while we, as a group, do not hae an official policy of "JW bashing", we do recognize the need for some individuals to express their anger, as long as it is expressed in a healthy manner with the ultimate goal of working toward acceptance.
Why Some Ex-Witnesses Think We Are "Bashers"
Over the years, we have received correspondence from a number of former JWs who have pointed the finger of accusation at ACB for encouraging "bashing", even perceiving such negativity on this website. There is no one pat answer for this perception, and depends upon the individual's interpretation of what they read here or experience among ACB members. As mentioned above, we have some members whose experience as a JW was not negative, nor have they encountered the level of ostracism that others do. The only reason some of these people left the organization was due to their sexual orientation. We have found that individuals who did not experience profound negativity within the organization are more often prone to be critical of anything that defies the teachings of the Watchtower. Admittedly, this site challenges the anti-homosexual teachings of the Watchtower by debunking the misuse of Bible scripture. The very fact that we challenge any Watchtower teaching, even when accompanied by documented proof, can be percieved as a form of "bashing." ACB, on the other hand, believes that there is no negativity involved in this healthy presentation of fact. It is not our mission to erode the Watchtower organization by challenging their teachings. Rather, we feel that, especially in light of their condemnatory attitude, we are obliged to present a positive alternative.
Some individuals who exited the organization fairly recently often find themselves still cloaked in Watchtower dogma. Many of these people, even though no longer a part of the JWs, still refer to the Watchtower religion as "The Truth." This very expression demonstrates the difficulty many people have discarding the tenets that have been taught them, often since childhood. Some of these people subconsciously (or consciously) will defend Watchtower doctrine, having been taught for so long to do so. Any individual or group of individuals going counter to Watchtower teachings can be percieved as "bashers", simply because the Society has taught this perception. It is not surprising, therefore, that newer members of ACB especially will harbor this consideration. ACB, as a support network, does not demand that anyone immediately stop believing all Watchtower doctrine. We support the journey of spiritual exploration for all our members and do not require anyone to express specific beliefs.
Some of our members are still maintaining relationships with family members who are active JWs. While these ACB members are no longer active in the organization themselves, despite their own personal beliefs, they are loath to take a stance against the Watchtower for the sake of their relationship with their family. We at ACB would never demand that these people jeopardize the relationship that they have with family members by expecting them to become vocal opponents of the Watchtower. We are not a network of vocal radicals. By the same token, ACB has several members who are still active JWs. We recognize that there are valid reasons why some individuals must remain in the organization. While some well-meaning members will encourage these people to leave (and this can be percieved as "bashing"), ACB's stance is to protect the anonymity of these members and dispel any fear that they may be disfellowshipped.
"Why Can't You Just Move On With Your Life?"
This is a question we are asked over and over again. We periodically receive correspondence from people who feel that any activity that goes against Watchtower teaching is useless, and demonstrates that we have not come to terms with our past and are dwelling on negativity. Some ACB members left the JWs 25-30 years ago or more. After so much time has elapsed since their last active contact with the JWs, why do these members still actively belong to ACB? Why can't they let the past stay in the past? Are they so bitter about their experience as a JW that they have to make a career of "bashing" the organization? In a word, No. With few exceptions, most of the ACB members who left or were expelled years ago are now more interested in reaching out and helping others. With the inception of the internet, ACB's contacts have increased exponentially. By remaining active with ACB as a "labor of love", these "old-timers" are taking the time to share their own personal experience and guide individuals newly out of the organization. Insodoing, they are helping the newer members avoid the pitfalls that the older ones experienced themselves. Admittedly, some ACB members do eventually resign, no longer seeing the need for support. Some come back to help others. Others do not. It is expressly the choice of the individual. Our members are free to come and go as they please.
In Summary
ACB understands that, despite strenuous efforts to show that ours is a network of support, not condemnation, there will always be the accusatory finger of judgement pointed in our direction. Our hope is that many you reading this page will gain a better understanding of what ACB does and why. We are not here to enrage the JWs by our presence, nor are we here to mock them. We try to maintain a positive focus on our local gatherings, conferences, and correspondence groups with the ultimate goal of helping gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender former members of the JWs move on with their lives in a positive and healthy manner.
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October 1, 2010
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Are you an active Jehovah's Witness?
I'm an Active Jehovah's Witness! - What Now?
Editor's Note: This essay is written specifically for active Jehovah's Witnesses who are visiting this site who are self-identified as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or who are questioning their sexual orientation. While most of this web site is geared towards the individual who has left or been expelled from the Organization, we felt the need to build a page specifically geared for active Witnesses. Several chapters of A Common Bond have attendees who are active Witnesses. The purpose of this essay is not to try to persuade you to leave the Organization, but rather to present you with facts and give you the opportunity to formulate your own decision. We always welcome private correspondence from active Witnesses, which will be held in strict confidence.
What Is A Homosexual?
The University of Chicago's Educational Dictionary defines "homosexual" as follows:
While the dictionary definition of homosexual is clinically correct, there is considerably more involved in being gay. Homosexuality is also a state of mind. Gay people fall in love with and enter into relationships with another member of the same sex. Just as their heterosexual counterparts' relationships are more complex than based purely on sex desires, the same is true for the homosexual. This fact is generally overlooked by anti-gay fundamentalist religious and political groups. Their opposition to homosexuality is based purely on the sex desires and activity (eros) of the gay person. One can be celibate and still be a homosexual. Many Jehovah's Witnesses fit into this category. Jehovah's Witnesses are taught that certain Bible scriptures condemn homosexuality. For an in-depth examination of these scriptures, please visit our essay on homosexuality and the Bible.
Why Am I Gay?
This is a complicated topic, and there are no clear answers. There are several camps that believe they have the true and correct answer. Let's look at each one:
Homosexuality is genetic. This is probably the most widely accepted explanation of homosexuality. The scientific community is still searching for the elusive "gay gene". Scientific studies are generally pointing in this direction. One such study, by the N.I.H. is linked here.
Homosexuality is triggered by environment. This explanation is rarely used by fundamentalists. Some geneticists promote this theory in tandem with the genetic theory. Genetics, triggered by environmental factors, may explain why some "come out" at different stages of their lives. A similar theory, although becoming obsolete, is that homosexuality is caused exclusively by environment, i.e.: an overprotective mother, lack of a father figure in one's formative years, a dysfunctional family environment, living in a major metropolitan area with a large visible gay population (such as San Francisco), etc.. The majority of the psychological community discounts these theories as the exclusive cause for homosexuality.
Homosexuality is caused by molestation as a youth. Fundamentalist religions (including Jehovah's Witnesses) frequently refer to this train of thought. Medical, anthropological and psychological studies, however, have concluded that pedophilia does not cause homosexuality. Furthering this line of reasoning, studies have proven that, while some same-sex child molesters are self-identified homosexuals, the majority indiscriminately attack their victims regardless of sex, many of whom attack members of both sexes. Furthermore, many victims of molestation who identify themselves as gay report having been attacked by a member of the opposite sex in their youth. For further information, please look at the essay concerning homosexuality and pedophilia elsewhere on this site.
Homosexuality is a choice. Many who do not understand the nature of homosexuality believe one's sexual orientation is a sexual preference; in other words, a conscious or subconscious choice. This belief has caused many troubled by their same sex desires to seek out reparative therapy, which teaches that one can be "cured" of homosexuality. While the Watchtower Society does not endorse any reparative therapy methods, we know of some gay active Witnesses who have sought out this avenue in a desperate attempt to curtail their same-sex attractions. More on this topic below.
Watchtower Teachings About Homosexuality
The Watchtower magazine has stated that Satan and his demons are causative factors of homosexuality. (See the quote from the July 15, 1997 Watchtower on the homosexuality and the Bible essay on this site. A Watchtower publication from the 1970s (the Youth book) stated that masturbation can cause homosexuality. Watchtower articles frequently equate homosexuality with pedophilia, leading readers to believe that gay people are child molesters. Please see our eassay on homosexuality and pedophilia for an in-depth discussion on this issue. Whatever their reasoning for the cause, they teach through the citing of certain Bible scriptures that homosexuality is "sinful" and "detestable."
But I Can Be Gay and a J.W., Can't I?
Yes. The official stance of the Watchtower Society is that homosexuals are accepted in their midst, provided that the individual does not act upon their sexual urges. Same-sex celibacy is demanded, and often times heterosexual marriage is encouraged in an effort to help the individual rid themselves of same-sex attraction. While the "marriage cure" is not an official edict of the Society, many elders will strongly encourage the gay member to marry a member of the opposite sex. Experiences within the Common Bond fellowship have shown that not only does marriage not "cure"one's homosexuality -- it unfairly burdens an unsuspecting partner, and can create severe marital difficulties. Further complications often arise when children are also involved.
Should I "Come Out" To My Congregation?
Only you can decide if this would be advisable. Here are some realistic facts to consider: Private correspondence with many gay J.W.'s who have "outed" themselves shows time and again that most in the Organization do not understand the nature of homosexuality. Individuals who have approached others in their congregation -- even in the confidence of a well-meaning elder --have suffered disastrous results. The Watchtower Society's official stance on homosexuality is that it is "an abomination". If one reveals their sexual orientation within the congregation, many will likely confuse the state of mind of being homosexual with actual same-sex activity. The average Witness can be expected to respond with incredulity and skepticism, if not outright condemnation. Occasionally, a zealous gay Witness will submit an article for a Watchtower publication in hopes that their story will be published as an encouragement to other gays in the Organization. These articles are rarely published. Instead, we have heard time and again of incidents where the Watchtower headquarters will give these articles to the Circuit Overseer, who will bring it to the attention of the local body of elders. Self-proclaimed gay individuals in most cases will be "marked", and even though officially still a member in good standing in the congregation, will be watched with great scrutiny. Some such individuals will be deliberately excluded from Witness social gatherings, thanks to underlying prejudices most Witnesses harbor against gays and Lesbians. Due to the Witnesses' teaching that "bad associations spoil useful habits", the self-identified gay Witness can often expect a life of loneliness and congregational ostracism. Coming out to anyone in the congregation is a matter that should be thought through very carefully before any action is taken. This includes one's own family.
Should I "Come Out" To My Family?
We know of some active Witnesses who have identified their sexual orientation to their Witness families without any difficulty. Occasionally, the family will support the gay Witness regardless of the teachings of the Watchtower, even if the gay one has decided to leave the organization or has been disfellowshipped. This is not common, but it does happen. Unfortunately, we know of an equal number of gay Witnesses who have been asked to leave their homes by families who do not understand the nature of homosexuality, even though the gay Witness may not have committed an offense against the congregation that is reprovable or disfellowshippable. As mentioned above, it is very difficult to provide guidance in this area. You do not know how individual members of the family will react unless they are actually told. Furthermore, while one member of the family may respond favorably, this does not guarantee acceptance by all family members, nor does it guarantee confidentiality within the congregation. Think this matter through very carefully before taking action.
Can Homosexuality Be Cured?
As discussed above, many gays and lesbians in the Organization may seek out "reparative therapy" in an effort to "cure" their homosexuality. Some well-meaning elders (or other congregation members) may recommend various methods of attempting to alter one's orientation, including, but not limited to, aversion therapy, heterosexual marriage, medication to diminish one's sex drive, and psychotherapy. Does such therapy work? Research and individual testimony have shown that not only does such therapy not work, but it can cause psychological scars on the individual, leaving them confused and often in need of years of competent psychotherapy. This has been documented by the American Psychiatric Association. Additionally, the official stance of the American Medical Association "opposes, the use of 'reparative' or 'conversion' therapy that is based upon the assumption that homosexuality per se is a mental disorder or based upon the a priori assumption that the patient should change his/her homosexual orientation."
What Does the Watchtower Teach About Homosexuality?
There's no denying the fact that the Watchtower Society condemns homosexuality. Jehovah's Witnesses are taught that homosexuality is a sin and a disfellowshippable offense. Watchtower publications have equated homosexuality with masturbation, pedophilia and demonic activity. While the Society claims to "love the homosexual in their midst", such an individual must remain celibate for life, marry heterosexually, or face immediate expulsion.
Should I Join "A Common Bond"?
This is a decision only you can make. We do have active and semi-active JW's who have attended our gatherings before. Some attend regularly, while others have visited only once or twice and not returned. Many who have contacted us do not live in an area where there is currently an active Common Bond chapter. We can often help such individuals get in contact with others in their area for support (although most of our contacts are usually not active in the Organization any longer). The important thing to keep in mind is that your anonymity will never be compromised, especially in light of the fact that you will be voluntarily associating with disassociated and disfellowshipped members. Realistically, you must be prepared to hear about others who have had unpleasant experiences inside the Organization. This is a reality for many gay Witnesses and ex-Witnesses. While some well-meaning group members may encourage you to leave the Organization, it has been our experience that no one is ever pressured to do so. The final decision is yours. Several active gay J.W.'s have posted web sites on the internet:
"Support for Jehovah's Witnesses Who Are 'Heterosexually Challenged'"
"How Can You Be a JW & Be Gay?"
This is not an endorsement of these sites, and are provided for informational purposes only. As stated on our FAQ Page, we do not condemn these individuals for wanting to offer support to one another. However, while their motives are in earnest, we believe that encouraging individuals to remain in an organization that blatantly condemns them is unrealistic.
In Conclusion...
The path of the active Jehovah's Witness who is gay is a difficult one. If you decide to stay in the Organization, you face the options of living a life of forced celibacy in order to conform to the edicts of your faith, remaining single or getting heterosexually married while concealing your sexuality, or living a "double life" as an active J.W. as well as a sexually active gay person. On the other hand, if you decide to walk away, disassociate, or are brought before a judicial committee and disfellowshipped, you leave behind your entire belief system, your support environment, and probable alienation from family and friends. No path is an easy one to follow for the gay Witness. As stated above, the final decision rests with you, your conscience, and your ability to accept yourself for who you are. We wish you well and are here to offer you support. We understand, sympathize, and know what you are going through!
Categories: activejw, activejw
October 1, 2010
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Jim's Story
I was born in a small New Jersey town in November 1956, the eldest son of a Presbyterian minister and his wife, an Italian-American Roman Catholic who converted to marry my father. Raised in Philadelphia, my parents separated in 1970 at which time my mother, my two younger brothers, and myself relocated to Sinking Spring, Pennsylvania where I spent my teenage years. Always something of an entrepreneur, I started an after-school business wholesaling jewelry making supplies to jewelers and craft shops. The business occupied so much of my time that I quit High School in the middle of the 11th grade to devote my interests to it full-time. It was during this time (the year was 1974) that I met a man and his wife who lived in a nearby town who were already established in the same business. Eventually he became my primary supplier of goods. What I didn't know at the time was that his wife was one of Jehovah's Witnesses. Although he never became a Witness himself, he encouraged me to sit in on their weekly Bible studies that an elder was holding in their home. I was feeling spiritually unfulfilled at the time, having abandoned the Presbyterian church, primarily because of its condemnation of gays. I have known I am gay from a very early age, and was involved in my first relationship at the tender age of 15 with another boy my age. The elder was a master salesman, and he knew all the right things to say and all the right scriptures to read to convince me that Armageddon was right around the corner. During this period, the Jehovah's Witnesses were convinced that Armageddon was going to occur in September or October of 1975, and they were equally convincing to me that I had just enough time to join. Although I never admitted my sexual orientation to the elder, it was obvious he knew, because during one of our "Bible study" sessions, he told me that in order to guarantee my immortality, all I had to do was to "stop being gay" for a few months, become a baptized Witness, attend the meetings, and engage in the door-to-door preaching work. He said that this would guarantee my survival at Armageddon, where I would be "perfect", so my sexuality wouldn't matter any more. I was sold! I had never had anyone offer me immortality before, and not only was this precious gift being offered to me - I was being handed the opportunity to share this immortality with others. Coming from a religious background, I genuinely believed I had been handed a sacred trust, and there was no time to lose! I had finally found a purpose in life. Of course, in the back of my mind, there was a constant terror of annihilation that the elder had inculcated into me.
So, with both zeal and fear living inside me side by side, I broke up with my boyfriend, telling him that if he didn't change his ways, he'd be destroyed in the Great Tribulation. I never saw him again. The South Congregation in Reading, Pennsylvania was building a new Kingdom Hall and they asked me if I'd like to help, which I of course said yes. I was beginning to feel like a part of the congregation. The hardest thing for me to do in breaking my "worldly" habits was to conform to the strict JW dress code. I had shoulder-length hair, and getting it cut to "JW length" was heartbreaking for me, but if it would help guarantee my survival at Armageddon, I was willing to go to any lengths. I completed studying the "True Peace and Security" book and joined the Reading West congregation (which served the area in which I lived). I was filled with zeal and began preaching house to house almost immediately. I also began my day every day by doing street work. I became a fixture at the corner of 4th & Penn Streets in Reading PA, so much so that on the rare days I did not show up, regular passersby who generally ignored me would approach me upon my return and ask where I'd been! I was baptized at a District Assembly in the swimming pool at the Holiday Inn in Allentown PA at a mass baptism on July 4, 1975. My first words after coming up out of the water were "I made it!"
I became an "auxiliary pioneer" as soon as I was baptized. I wanted to pioneer full time but couldn't due to my business obligations (I was on the road most of the time). Even though Armageddon failed to materialize as scheduled, I patiently waited as instructed. My first two years as a JW went pretty smoothly. I had numbed myself to all outside influences and was immersed in the "truth". Little by little, I began to feel different in the congregation. This was not due to my sexuality, but due to the fact that very few members in the congregation ever invited me to any social gatherings. Looking back retrospectively, there was an elitist bourgeois mentality in my congregation, which I have since discovered is not unique to the congregation to which I belonged. Those who are proselytized such as myself, especially if they are individuals and no other family members join them, are treated quite differently from those who are born into the Organization. There is a "caste system" which insidiously pervades the Organization. I began to feel lonely. This was during the period where Citizens Band radios were popular. I had owned a CB radio long before their popularity took hold, thanks to movies such as "Convoy" and "Smokey and the Bandit", so I was a firmly established CB'er and found it the ideal diversion for my lonely periods. Eventually, I met a "worldly" fellow my age over the air with whom I had much in common. We spent a great deal of time together and became best friends. In order for the JW's not to accuse him of being a "bad association", I started a Bible study with him, although he really wasn't interested in anything other than my friendship. The inevitable happened: I fell in love with him. One night, both of us had more beer than we should have, and we found ourselves in bed making love. I woke up the next morning in absolute terror. I thought I had utterly destroyed my chances of surviving Armageddon. I immediately went to the elders and told them what I had done. They weren't concerned with the drinking aspect of my "sin". I had gone to the elders before and told them I had a drinking problem, but they weren't interested in hearing about it, probably because one of the elders in my congregation was struggling with his own alcoholism. I was simply told "Well, then just don't drink so much the next time". The judicial committee, however, was extremely interested in hearing every lurid detail of my sexual liasion. Because I was considered "repentant", I was only administered "Private Reproof", but word spread through the congregation like wildfire, and I was treated like a leper except while out in field service. My "Bible study" and I parted ways and, broken hearted, I went back to being a faithful Witness, though somewhat less zealous, and a whole lot more fearful.
Then my spiritual world caved in. I was still faithfully doing street work, when one day a man approached me seeming very interested in my message. During the course of our conversation, I invited him to start a Bible study, to which he quickly agreed. Excitedly, I asked for his address, whereupon he told me "Wernersville State Hospital", a nearby mental institution. As it turned out, he was a long-term patient there, having lived on the ward over twenty years. Nevertheless, I approached another brother (as yet unbaptized) in the congregation and asked him if he would care to join me for a Bible study there, to which he enthusiastically agreed. Little by little, other long-term patients on the ward joined in our study, and it made my heart glad that I could offer hope to these seemingly hopeless and abandoned people. Eventually, I approached the institution's unit supervisor and requested day passes, two at a time, for the patients, to take them to Sunday meetings at the Kingdom Hall. The passes were granted. The gentleman I had originally studied with came with me every time, but he had one serious idiosyncrasy: He had a loud, bellowing laugh, and frequently laughed at inappropriate times during the Sunday talks. This would send the congregation into hysterics. After several weeks of bringing these gentle but somewhat odd people with me, I was surrounded by elders after a Watchtower study. They wanted to know why I was bringing these people with me to the Kingdom Hall! Astonished, I stated that these people needed to be saved most of all, to which the reply from the elders retorted "Perhaps, but they cannot understand our doctrines". I asked if that would exclude them from ever being able to become Jehovah's Witnesses, therefore condemning them to die at Armageddon, to which I was icily told "Yes". It was at this point that I began to question my beliefs.
By this time, I was drinking alcoholically on a regular basis, the elders still ignoring my drinking problem, but watching me like eagles lest I "slip" sexually again. I had befriended another brother in the congregation about my age at this time, and one night, both of us decided to go see the movie "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". I was drunk, in a blackout, and remember little of the event, which is why I couldn't understand my being surrounded by elders the next morning with newspapers in hand demanding to know why I would attend such a film and allow the reporter to interview me, thus tarnishing the congregation's good reputation. There was no mention anywhere in the article that I was one of Jehovah's Witnesses, and since I never gave my full name when out in field service, I could not understand their concern for the congregation's reputation. Still under "Private Reproof" for my previous sexual indiscretion, the elders decided that the only way to restore the congregation's reputation was to administer "Public Reproof". My name was announced from the platform as having engaged in "Conduct unbecoming a Christian" -- all for going to see Rocky Horror!!
Very shortly after this happened, I had a serious falling out with my business supplier, left Pennsylvania, quit the jewelry business and moved to Atlanta, Georgia. In my introduction to the Lakewood congregation in Atlanta, I was honest about the circumstances behind my Public Reproof, but instead of condemnation, I found support and sympathy, especially from one elder who was not only instrumental in restoring my zeal, but got my reproof lifted in a matter of months. Unfortunately, that didn't last long.
An opportunity arose for me to relocate to the Caribbean -- a dream come true! A zealous, restored Witness once again, I tearfully left Atlanta and moved to the island of St.Thomas in the US Virgin Islands. Shortly after my arrival, the elders inquired about where I had come from, and they sent for my records from the Lakewood congregation. Apparently that wasn't good enough for them. They saw in my records how I had been reproved, so they sent a letter of inquiry to the Pennsylvania congregation, who fired back a nasty letter stating that the Atlanta congregation had no right to lift my reproof without consulting them first, demanding my reproof be restored immediately. It was. That was the beginning of the end, and I was getting real disgusted with how I was being treated.
That is why, one night a co-worker invited me out on a double date with himself, his girlfriend, and another young lady to go to Safari (the gay disco on St.Thomas at the time), I jumped at the chance. I felt at home immediately upon walking in. Seeing men dancing with other men just looked and felt so natural to me. The next weekend, I timidly went back alone. The Memorial was coming up, and by this point I had pretty well lost all enthusiasm for being a Witness, so I decided to do something which I thought the elders would find totally obnoxious in a deliberate attempt to get disfellowshipped. Back in 1980, writing a letter of disassociation was virtually unheard of. If you wanted to leave, you deliberately committed a disfellowshippable offense. In my case, I started smoking. An elder came into my place of business one day, and I lit a cigarette and blew smoke in his face. Later, I went out and got my ear pierced, and showed up at the Memorial sporting a new, gleaming gold earring in my right ear. Of course, I was called before the Judicial Committee immediately. That sultry afternoon, sitting before those three men in the suffocating air of the St. Thomas Kingdom Hall, I was once again asked to give sordid details of my same-sex encounters. Not one word was mentioned about my smoking -- not even by the elder into whose face I'd blown a mouthful of smoke! Because I was declared "unrepentant", I was disfellowshipped on the spot. I was told that unless I came back married with a child of my own fathering to prove to them that I was no longer gay, I would never be accepted back into the congregation! The last thing I was told by one of the elders on my judicial committee as I left that St. Thomas Kingdom Hall was "Jehovah no longer loves you, not for what you did, but for who you are."
As an interesting side note, only days after being disfellowshipped, one of the elders on the Judicial Committee came to my door alone, asking me very intimate questions about what gay men do in bed. Although there is no way to prove it, I am certain he was trying to seduce me. Fortunately, a friend came to the door in the middle of the conversation, and the elder excused himself and left abruptly. He never returned.
Only a couple of months after I was expelled, I met someone who became a very important part of my life. Rick and I became significant others for 14 years. He passed away in 1994. During this period, I came out of the closet to both of my parents, who told me that they would rather have a gay son than a Jehovah's Witness son. It was not easy for me to recover from the influences of the JW's. Belief that I had been abandoned by God took its toll on me. I began using illegal drugs, drank even more heavily, was hospitalized several times, and attempted suicide once. I tried starting a support group for gay & lesbian ex-Witnesses while living on St.Thomas, even getting written up in The Advocate, but due to my low income and heavy drinking I was unable to sustain the project. I turned my mailing list over to a fellow gay ex-Witness in Pittsburgh who coined the name "Common Bond" and picked up where I left off. A couple of years passed, and I secured a copy of the book "Christianity, Social Tolerance, and Homosexuality" by John Boswell. I finally resolved my questions about whether or not I was scripturally condemned. I discovered that the passages the Witnesses use to condemn homosexuality are mistranslations. I finally the process of self-acceptance began.
I moved to San Francisco in 1993, and while reading the Bay Times one afternoon (one of San Francisco's gay weeklies), I saw an advertisement for a support group for gay Jehovah's Witnesses and called immediately. John Wirtanen answered the phone and we talked for hours. There were three of us at the very first meeting, and our group has grown ever since. I'm happy to say that I have been clean and sober since 1987. I am now fully accepting of myself as a gay man. I will say that the thought of "maybe the JW's were right" dogged me for a long time, but after reading Raymond Franz's book "Crisis of Conscience", and renewing my commitment to A Common Bond on line, I have learned the true nature of the Watchtower organization and have no desire to "repent". My spiritual path has taken me in fulfilling directions I'd never thought possible, and am no longer in fear of the Watchtower's god of doctrine and punishment. I left California in 2003 and have relocated back to eastern Pennsylvania where it all began. I am now a published science fiction novelist, and am involved with the Eastern Pennsylvania chapter of A Common Bond. I have found real purpose in life by reaching out the hand of support and encouragement to other gays and lesbians with a background in Jehovah's Witnesses. I am grateful that the day of worldwide chapters and conferences of A Common Bond has finally arrived!
Categories: stories, stories
September 1, 2010
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Darcy's Story
I was raised as a loyal dub since birth, taught the religion by my mother who is a strong supporter of the WTS. My father had been inactive since before I was born. I never questioned anything I was taught and I memorized by rote what to say to anyone who asked me any question. Teachers and classmates all took my answers without questioning, heck I bet they didn't even understand what "pagan" was, neither did I, yet the word flowed off my tongue regularly.
When I was ten years old I started giving talks and everyone showered me with praise over what a good girl I was. Isn't that what every child needs, recognition and love? A year later I became an unbaptised publisher. I remember feeling really good when I placed something, not because someone was reading the literature but because it showed how well I had learned my lessons. Everyone praised me again, mom would buy me a treat at the store. I got to mark down the placement on my time slip and I was proud when I got to hand it in! I wouldn't listen to any criticism of the society, I didnt want to hear about any scandals I knew it was all lies because they told me it was all lies.
I started to think I should get baptised, but dad put his foot down, he didn't think I was old enough to make that decision. I was furious how DARE he put my eternal life in jeopardy. Just thinking of it now I love him all the more for not letting me make what would have been the biggest mistake of my life. A couple of years later when I turned 16 I thought it was time to broach the subject again. This time dad sat me down and showed me things the WT had gone back on, organ transplants for one of them. He told me that if I got baptised I should be prepared to do whatever they say at the time no matter what. He showed me the change in vows that would have me be loyal to the organization. At the time it didn't have much of an impact on me, I knew what I wanted and what did my father have to say that could possibly stop me. Now looking back it has much more of an impact. But mom was actually a bit uneasy. I thought she would be happy for me. I was genuinely pissed off and confused. But I decided okay one more year. I think she was in the end convinced that dad had someone persuaded me not to. I didnt' know what was wrong but I was starting to not feel as faithful as I used to. My heart wasn't in it but I didn't realize why. I cried through the entire baptism talk, it wouldn't be the last time. I knew I was supposed to be like those candidates but I didn't feel like them.
I got heavily involved with an online forum community on a topic of interest to me. For the first time it put me in contact with a lot of worldy people on a social scale and I befriended a lot of them. I started getting very depressed but I didnt understand what was wrong. An online buddy confronted me about it and I finally admitted to him that after years of being taught that it was a (bad) choice, I thought I might be gay. He was the most understanding and kind person I had met to date. He told me he truly cared about me and he was there for me. He helped me talk about my feelings, he never judged me. He loved me for who I was. I was a wreck. I had never been raised to consider this could happen to me and I was at a loss how to figure it all out. I finally worked up the courage to talk to the owner of the forum I was now a moderator (and later an administrator) of. I thought he would tell me I was wrong, that I didn't understand the implications of what I was saying. That I was just a stupid confused kid. I thought he woudl push me away. But he didn't he cared about me, he was concerned for me. He wanted to help me. He helped me talk about my feelings. He never told me what to feel. He never told me what to think. He never gave advice unless I asked. I wanted him to tell me if I was gay, he told me it was something I had to figure out for myself.
I was depressed and angry when I finally started visiting sites for gay youths. I knew it was 'wrong' to visit these sites. But I was desperate for someone to talk to that knew how I was feeling. Every day I would visit these sites and come away saying that I could never live a lifestyle like these people, that it was wrong, that I just needed to figure this out and then I could block it out. Over a period of a few months I started to identify myself as bisexual. It was easier that way. I could justify the feelings I had without having to change anything. I could still end up married and never have to tell anyone I like girls. I started coming out to my online friends. For once I was truly happy because I was accepting myself. I started visiting gay JW sites, but only ones that were about staying in the organization. But I began to realize I was disagreeing with things I read there. I was still visiting the gay youth forums and the material I read at the JW sites was contradicting the other material I read. It never occured to me I would quit being a witness, I always thought I could work it out.
I was going to explode soon if I didn't get some positive feedback in real life. Encouraged by the reactions I had found online I came out to a close school mate. She totally accepted and supported me. I started questioning if I even like guys at all. I started researching my past and things made sense more and more to the point that I started coming out as gay. It wasn't long before I faced another crisis, to tell my best (JW) friend. I took him aside one day and decided to come clean. Not only did he accept me unconditionally but he kept quiet as well, just like a best friend should. I have hope for him, he's not nearly as much of a loyal dub as everyone seems to think. If you're still religious on some level, pray for him.
School was out and I was in crisis. I had for the first time in my life started to rely on friends. I had always been independant but I realized that now I needed other people to survive. We went on family vacation, a lot of driving. I wanted to escape, I just wanted to die. I got in trouble for being grumpy. I was supposed to be on vacation having fun. In my mind I relived the last year. I was always thinking. Thinking so deeply all the time. I could never escape my own mind no matter what. I just went over and over the arguments in my head.
I spent another baptism talk in tears, this time with the knowledge that I was unchangably gay and unsure as to where this left me. Mom tried to find out what was wrong. The only thing I could think to say was that if I told her she would hate me. She asked me if I had done something wrong and I said no. She asked if I didn't want to get baptised anymore and I said I still did, I did I just wasnt sure how that would ever work out.
When school finally went back in I was never so glad to see my friends again. I felt so lucky to even be alive after how horrible I had felt in the summer. I sat around, the computer was my lifeline. I was told I was lazy. I should be working. I spent too much time on the computer. I should study more. I tried not to snap back. I tried to rationalize that no one knew how close I was to loosing it. No one truly knows even now.
I finally accepted being gay. I decided there was no way I could stay in the organization. I decided to come out to my father. I thought he would curse me out. I thought maybe he would throw me out. I thought maybe he would out me to my mother. I never expected to be loved and accepted. I hatched a plot to get away to school after I graduated and presented it to him. He embraced it and a seed of hope was born. I knew a dorm lifestyle was not for a witness, I didn't plan to be one. We carefully covered everything up from my mother.
I finally decided it was time to tell her not only that I was gay but that I no longer wanted anything to do with her religion. I didn't want to go to meetings anymore and hear myself spoken of like an abomination. When I told her she reacted coldly at first. Days later it devolved into hysterics and screaming fits of how I was throwing away my life for nothing. I was careful not to show my contempt for the watchtower in front of her because I knew that would be the last straw.
I tried to go places with my friends and do things, but I could tell everything I did was covered in blanket disapproval. I had literature left on my desk on a near daily basis and was given 'tear jerker' letters from my mother.
When I escaped to college it was better not having her constantly in my face. But she continued to send me correspondences that irritatingly always had to touch on some JW matter or other that I didnt care about. And when I found a beautiful girl to love who loved me back she refused to even see her. Visits home became awkward and stilted and we remain at a stalemate.
I am grateful I escaped from an organization that would have led to my eventual breakdown and for my wonderful girlfriend. Life on the outside isn't about gnashing your teeth in the darkness, it's about being true to yourself.
Categories: stories, stories
September 1, 2010
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Steve's Story
It was 1965. My sister has just had my niece. Some sister from her area had started studying with her. And she thought it was a good thing for me to try it out. I was barely 8 years old. She never had stayed with it because my brother in law put his foot down and she probably got scared and stopped once it got a little heavy and demanding. But I remember going to some Assembly in Oakland right after Denise (my niece) was quite young. But my sister (Donna) was quite impressionable. She probably would have been still a witness if she didn't rock the boat.
My sisters are 13 and 14 years older than me and were out of the house and married and so it was just myself and my mom because (Bob) my biological father flaked on her and left. Surprise! So the organization provided a family structure that was lacking in my family. And wait! There's more! Being born not like all the other children, I didn't have any friends until probably junior high school. So, No Bob, and no friends and guess who's going to knock on your door? So I always have felt quite alone and the organization filled the void and pain that never got expressed. As long as you played by the rules. And I did.
I pioneered 1 and 1/2 years in Idaho. I went to ALL meetings. I was starting Bible Studies right and left. As soon as I got my literature, I studied it. My life was filled with meetings every night of the week. Until I couldn't take it anymore and I just exploded and left one day. I was disfellowshipped for having a bad attitude and being unrepentant. How dare they ask me such itty bitty questions like How do homo's do it? I tell you I wanted to slug him right there. Anyway, there you have it, like it or not!
I find that suicide is very common among witnesses, because they don't give you a healthy way to deal with the real issues, but just kind of sweep them under the carpet making everything "go away." Also, I was born with a neuro tube defect called Spina Bifida which means I have a spinal cord injury from birth, similar to Chris Reeves but him not being born with it. And the school system at the time didn't let me attend because they thought that the other kids would "get it". Talk about down right ignorance!
We moved out of the area for 1 year and came back like a transfer so I could attend public school. And elementary school kids are the worst! It was not a bonding experience from 2nd to 6th grade, let me tell you! Children with a disability back than were doomed.
I think for me because of being raised a witness, and always having to fight my gay feelings along with the shame that comes from the world and the witnesses and the reinforcement of that one day took it's toll. I had told them I had had these feelings (which, in my opinion, was telling them too much) Also, this was in the late 70's and gay people were still getting started with fighting for rights and being out, etc., wasn't that "ok". But I can remember SF being "WILD" and you could get sex everywhere and anywhere. Luckily, I didn't get caught up in it and get infected. But I have some pretty wild stories that I could share sometime.
The brothers gave me 1 year to repent and I didn't and was so cocky at the committee meeting which is where they wanted to know all the gory details of how homos do it. But for years I floated and had trouble relating to society and life and making new friends because I was grieving. And then I met my therapist which has been an eye opener. I was disfellowshipped Sept. of 1978. I can't believe it's been over 20 years.
Categories: stories, stories
September 3, 2010
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Arman's Story
Born - July 3, 1982 - Edinburgh, Texas
Died - February 5, 1999 - Modesto, California
Suicide...
...after being disfellowshipped from the Sierra Vista congregation of Jehovah's Witnesses in Modesto, California.
I would like to meet the elders that excommunicated my daughter and allow me to judge your daughters. As being an ex-Jehovah's Witness, your Bible does not condemn a man loving another man, or a woman loving another woman, lest you interpret love and sex as one concept.
Because of a courageous daughter, and A Common Bond, I no longer live closeted - but free!
Love
Your Dad,
Arman Saenz
Categories: stories, stories
October 1, 2010
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Brittany's Story
I was born into the Witnesses to two second-generation publishers. From my infancy, they read stories to me from My Book of Bible Stories, and took me out in service with them whenever they went. They did the same with my sister, and by the time I began to realize that I may be homosexual, I was seventeen and had been baptized for seven years. My father was an elder in our large, tight-knit congregation, and my mother was pushing me to pioneer. Meanwhile, I was struggling as a high school senior who was in love with my best friend (a Mormon girl who was in love with me, too). I fought my feelings for a long time, continuously denying that I was a lesbian and even attempting to kill myself once. With the help of my employer (a close friend who is also a lesbian), I managed to survive the year of school without incident, and by graduation had cut ties with the girl I loved.
I didn't actually come out to my parents until about four months later; I had been getting sick and losing weight for the entire summer because I had been unable to eat. I had the beginning of a stomach ulcer and had dropped down to an unhealthy weight. I came home on a rainy afternoon and came out to my parents as calmly as I could, getting past the hurdle first of even convincing them that I WAS a lesbian...Because I knew exactly what was to follow, I had confirmed with my employer that I could stay at her place when I got kicked out, which (unsurprisingly) happened.
My parents called over an elder from our congregation that night, who sat me down as my mother wept hysterically and my younger sister locked herself in her room...we talked and I came out to him, too--said the same things I'd said to my parents. That was almost more painful, to see the horrified look of disbelief on his face and realize what my coming out was going to do to all the people I loved so dearly in the congregation.
The rest was predictably tragic; they allowed me to take only things I had purchased, my mother even saying that I could not have my clothes because she refused to make things 'easier' on me. We had sporadic contact for about another year and a half, but only because they had talked me out of handing in my letter disassociating myself. My reasoning at the time was that I could not bear to go through the process of being disfellowshipped (I had been through so much pain already), and I had no intention of ever going back to the way that things had been. I wanted to fall in love, I wanted to be loved back, I wanted to experience passion and all those things that they would have denied me had I stuck around.
In that year and a half of interim time, I met and fell in love with a wonderful woman who was very supportive and sympathetic to my situation. Through my own carelessness (and myspace, of all things), the elders of my parents' congregation found out about my relationship in January of last year, just two weeks before I was to graduate with my Associates Degree. My father called and met with me, refusing to let me come to the house despite the fact that I had been there countless times for meals and visits since I'd come out. That night he showed me the evidence the elders had found, and told me what my options were: a.) come back to the congregation, on public reproof, and move back home, b.) do nothing and let the elders disfellowship me, or c.) hand in the letter disassociating myself.
I was nineteen years old when this happened. The next day I turned in my letter, my father's words echoing in my head: "You're my little girl and I love you, but if you do this you will not see my face, and you will not hear my voice ever again, until you decide to come back."
I see my family around from time to time, but for the most part I haven't seen or heard anything from any member of my Witness family--ALL of my mother's side and half my father's--in about a year and a half now. I am currently attending college for my Bachelor's Degree in Business Administration and have a successful career as a Medical Massage Therapist--since leaving the Witnesses I have flourished in spite of missing my family and losing the structure that much of my belief system was based upon. The most important thing I could ever have done for myself was have the courage to stand up and be who I am, which I could never have done without my wonderful group of friends and non-Witness family.
I will always be grateful to the Witnesses for loving me as long as they did and for helping turn me into the principled, strong, moral person that I am today. The things I learned and cultivated as a Witness have earned me many rewards, even out in the World. And I will always miss my family...I hope and pray that they realize exactly how important they still are to me, and how much I love them.
Thank you for this opportunity to share my story. Anyone who wants or needs to talk about anything related to coming out (or not coming out) and dealing with the issues involved with being a gay Jehovah's Witness can e-mail me anytime at ossimozimmerman@yahoo.com.
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October 1, 2010
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Frank's Story
I remember May 5, 1954 as if it were yesterday. That was the day I got baptized. It was also the first Circuit Assembly held in my hometown of Newport, R.I. Although it is known as the "Ocean State", the ocean was too cold for a baptism site so the local Baptist church offered the use of its baptismal pool. And so it was that I, a former Roman Catholic, got baptized as a JW in a Baptist church.
This eclectic circumstance would play itself out later in my life but in those days I was an excited and joyous seventeen year old who had found "the Truth".
I had always known I was homosexual, but I firmly believed that Jehovah would cure me. I felt so strongly about that that I believed that the simple act of water immersion would change my life forever.
Of course it didn't but that did not deter me. I had found the Truth. Every word I read in Watchtower publications seemed truthful, provable and as one news reporter stated, "invulnerable".
My homosexual activities were very covert, closeted and, in those days, limited to a rich fantasy life since I was very fearful about being discovered.
Because of my loyalty to the JW's, I was probably one of the youngest people ever appointed to serve as Assistant Congregation Servant at the age of eighteen.
In the years that followed, I held many "servant" positions in congregations in Glendale, Ca. and Woodsville, N.H. and Stuart, Fla. where I became a Congregation Overseer at age twenty-three.
Believing that it was still possible to "cure" my homosexuality, I studied diligently, prayed often and became a Pioneer. I just absolutely knew that if I worked harder at it, Jehovah would cure me.
I suffered deep guilt and stress. Nothing I tried seemed to work. I married at age nineteen believing that that would help. It didn't and, in fact, it added an additional burden of having to be a good husband and father while maintaining the secrecy of my homosexuality.
Being so deeply involved with the JW's kept me so deeply closeted that I had no idea of the gay subculture that had come into its own following the Stonewall riot of the sixties. I knew nothing of gay bars, gay church, or gay community.
I often think I would still be a JW today if I had not been outed by another JW who frequented the same public park to engage in sexual activities. Because I was a well known public speaker throughout the Circuit, many people knew me that I did not know and he was one of them. Fearing that I, in fact, did know him, he decided to be the first to confess his sins and while he was at it, to confess my sins too.
I was 42 years old and by then had been a JW for 30 years and married for 27 of those years. My life, as I had known it, came to a crashing end. Divorce, family, friends and all Watchtower connections were severed. In addition, the scarey part was that I had no gay friends waiting in the wings. No support system in place. Just me.......in "the world"........alone.
I reconstructed my life by going back to college, often feeling like I was the oldest student in each class. In a few years I had completed my Bachelors and Masters Degrees, met some interesting gay people. (Psychology classes are often filled with gay folks.) Went into weekly psychotherapy sessions, walked timidly into my first gay bar, explored gay church and a local gay/lesbian support group. It wasn't easy but I did begin to feel freer and easier with myself. As I moved into self-acceptance and genuineness I found my life to be much more fulfilling.
It took a long time for me to even begin rethinking my spirituality. Eventually I settled on a synthesis of science, religion and philosophy known as Religious Science founded by Ernest Holmes. The appeal to me was that it espouses the belief that each person can have their own direct spiritual experience. I also enjoy the many gay and lesbian people who are a part of this inclusive movement.
I am 66 years old now, retired in a very comfortable southern California town near Palm Springs and loving and living life as fully as I know how. I have never once looked back nor regretted letting go of the JW's. What they judgmentally identify as disfellowshipped, apostate, and unloveable, I see as open, genuine and compassionate. Of course, they're not interested in my view but then, I'm not seventeen anymore and no longer interested in their's.
I welcome hearing from any JW's, straight or gay, active or inactive. A life of self-discovery and genuiness awaits you.
Frank M.
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October 1, 2010
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Coming out of Jehovah's Witnesses is a difficult decision to make, compounded by the number of years you have invested in it. It is much more complex when you have to deal with the issue of sexual orientation. I grew up in a religiously divided household. My father had no particular religious leanings. My mother was an inactive Jehovah's Witness. So, my experience was half-in, half-out of the Organization. Upon entering High School, my parents' marriage started to break-up. My mother then started taking a more active interest in attending meetings, although still not going out in field service. My uncle, her brother --- "Super Witness" --- would come and pick us up. I always hated going to the meetings. I thought the Witnesses were a bunch of crack-pots.
Shortly after entering college in the fall of 1966, my mother suffered a stroke. This was quite devastating to me. That's when it happened. My uncle stepped in with support for us. I started listening to some of the things he said about the "Truth". It seemed to make a lot of sense regarding world conditions. Thinking back on it, I was susceptible to the teachings because I was at an emotionally vulnerable point in my life. Later I realized that is the way many Witnesses get pulled into the Organization.
I always knew that I was only attracted to men. However, I grew up before the Stonewall riot days. Homosexuals were always portrayed in the media as sick people. The Witness teachings went along the same line of thought, but they also GUARANTEED that one COULD change their sexual orientation if they wanted to. Prayer was of course a key part of the process. The Witnesses also were strong proponents of the theory that there was a cause for homosexuality (although they have softened somewhat on this lately). For example, the absent father, domineering mother, masturbation, and being molested could all cause homosexuality. I thought that in my case, masturbation may have switched on the gay orientation. Also, for years I thought that maybe I had blocked out of my memory some molestation. I fervently prayed to make me straight. I never wanted to complicate another person's life, so I remained single. I sublimated my sexual energies and focused on taking care of my invalid mother.
I eventually became an elder in 1976. That occupied much of my time. It was easier to avoid the pain of hating myself by always keeping busy with my family and the congregation. In the meantime, I started to have increasing problems with my conscience since I still masturbated about twice a month. So, like a "good" Jehovah's Witness, in early 1985 I confided to the elder body. It was made clear to me that if I did not stop, I would have to be removed. They never really did anything to try to help me with my "problem". Several months later, I stepped down rather that being forcibly removed.
Then, in 1987 my sister had a devastating stroke, much worse than my mother's. Now I had two sick people to care for. Her daughter also took her mom's illness very badly and became emotionally unstable. It was at this point that I saw first hand the "love" among "Jehovah's People". I could have died and the elders would not have known about it. Sure, there was a flurry of attention the first few weeks. But that died down quickly. I could not get to most meetings since my sister required much care. After several months, I realized that most of the elders were not stopping by for encouragement. They could see that my niece and I were "drowning" from the mental and emotional weight we were carrying, but did precious little to help us. My suicidal depressions that I battled with for years were starting to increase. My weight was constantly going up. I hated living. I hated myself and my orientation. But still, I believed the Organization and felt that I could "become straight".
When home care became impossible, my sister was placed into a nursing home in 1988. My mother followed in 1991. My niece got disfellowshipped in 1991 and moved out of the house in mid-1992. There I was, alone, with no one to channel my energies into. Gays in the military was the big issue at that time. There was so much focus on Gays in the media. I fervently prayed that the Organization would publish some words of encouragement for people battling homosexuality. But there was no encouragement forthcoming. By the summer of 1993 I reached rock bottom. I started to plan my suicide. I honestly believed that by the end of 1993 I would dead. I could not face life knowing I was homosexual with no "approved" outlet.
In September, 1993 at age 45 I finally started to think rationally. I thought "If I get involved with someone of the same sex, I am condemned by the Organization, If I commit suicide, I am condemned by the Organization." In either case it was a no-win situation. I started avidly reading about gay men and their development. I quickly saw parallels to myself, even in my toddler years. I started to realize and accept that there was no "cause" for my homosexuality. I was born that way. If I was created that way, what was the Organization to say I was not good "as is"? I prayed to Jehovah with very specific prayers (as the Organization advised when you wanted to get clear answers). "Should I leave the Organization or not?" All answers to my specifically phrased prayers indicated "Yes, leave."
In October, 1993 I finally could look myself in the mirror and say "John, you are gay" and actually be proud about it. >From that point, people at work noticed a marked change for the better in me. Gone were the depressions. A happy, outgoing personality began to emerge. I took care of myself for the first time in years, lost a lot of weight, ate correctly, and got physically fit. It was all because for the first time in my adult life I WANTED TO LIVE. In November, 1993 I came out to my niece. In December, my mother. Without warning, my mother died in January, 1994. I went back to the Kingdom Hall for the first time in 7 months to arrange for a Memorial Talk for her. So many said how wonderful I looked, how much happier I seemed. Some asked me to tell them my secret to happiness! I spoke to an elder and said that there had been some serious reasons why I had not been to the meetings. He said "It's all right, the important thing is that you are back." I replied, "No, you do not understand, I am not coming back."
I arranged to meet with them. I told them I planned to disassociate. I let them know they did not have any "scriptural" grounds to disfellowship me, since I had not yet been with a man. However, I added that it would be only a matter of time before I did meet someone that I would be intimately involved with. More importantly, I let them know that I saw nothing wrong with it. I said I was going to leave on my own before being kicked out. That gave me empowerment over them. They encouraged me to think it through. The old "cure" of getting married was offered as a suggestion. I held off sending in my letter of disassociation for two months, mainly to l associate with my closer friends in the congregation and let them know why I was leaving. I did not want gossip to distort why I was leaving. In March, 1994 I sent in the letter of disassociation. That month I also formed a "Former Jehovah's Witnesses" support group for gay men and women. We continue to meet monthly in San Francisco. We also get current Jehovah's Witnesses contacting us for help in dealing with homosexuality.
While I originally decided to leave the Organization solely due to my sexual orientation, I later came to realize how many other areas it was also wrong in. The two books by Raymond Franz ("Crisis of Conscience" and "In Search of Christian Freedom") helped dispel the aura of it being a spiritually correct society. Also, the book "What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality" by Daniel Helminiak, Ph.D., helped me to gain new perspective on Bible verses traditionally used against homosexuals.
To this day, I have never regretted leaving the Organization. I continue to maintain a spiritual relationship with the Creator, but without the support of any man-made organization. I continue to remain happy. I invite all who carry the unnecessary burden regarding the Organization's stance on sexual orientation to contact me by email. Have pride in being gay, God still loves you!
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October 1, 2010
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Marc's Story
I was raised in the Kingdom Hall. My parents had just taken interest in the Organization around the time I was born. Things went fine until around the age of nine or ten. That's when I started to notice I was not comfortable with the things I was hearing.
As I would sit and listen to the talks on Sunday and the Ministry School on Thursday. I found more and more I 'd say to myself "this can't be right". At that time my feelings certainly weren't a matter of choice. I already had a couple of boys in the Kingdom Hall that I looked at in a certain way, and as for the girls, I couldn't have cared less. For the next couple of years, the conflict in my head just grew and grew.
I had no one to talk to and things just festered. One thing I knew I was not willing to do especially to myself was be a hypocrite. So at the age of thirteen I got enough courage to tell my Mom I didn't want to attend the meetings any more. Thankfully I did not end up "six feet under". Surprisingly, she just replied "Well you know what you are doing" of course I did not tell her the full reason why.
I knew I would not find any support from within the Organization, so why keep putting myself through that sort of pain? All through school I stayed to myself, mostly in fear of my own actions and fears. I had no girlfriends at all until the age of twenty-one, and at that time I had simply managed to be numb to my real feelings. I wanted to "play the role" so I wouldn't let anyone down. The hole time I was doing that I was constantly saying "Jehovah, you can't mean for life to be like this".
As this went on I even got married at the age of thirty. What a mistake that was! Finally after that fell apart I woke up and said "enough is enough". If Jehovah God did put us on this Earth it was so we could be happy and be ourselves! I decided it was time to live for me, not everyone else, and to live my life based on my absolute belief that the Bible has been grossly misinterpreted.
Since making that change, I have felt so much better about myself, and I believe Jehovah can still accept me as a worthy individual. My advice to any of you reading this is to take a very deep look inside yourself and accept those things about yourself that you cannot change and then live your life Accordingly, I believe Jehovah will look upon you with all the love and understanding He can give.
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October 1, 2010
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Michaela's Story
I was raised a Witness by my mother, and I have 3 older sisters, two half sisters and one full sister. My oldest sister is 32 and she is still a Witness. I don't think she's very active right now since her abusive husband is beating her down emotionally, and maybe physically--she won't tell--but I imagine she will believe in Jehovah her whole life. My second oldest sister is 31 and even though she got baptized four years ago, she's not really a witness. My closest sister is 27 and she left the "truth" less than a year after me. She hasn't been disfellowshipped nor did she disassociate herself, but I imagine she will be D/Fed without her knowledge soon...since she's caught elders sneaking around her house and looking in windows in the past month or two. She won't talk to them at all, and neither will her husband.
I'm 22, and I left the truth almost two years ago. I got married at 18, and just after 2 years of marriage, my life went to hell. My husband had been lying to me about stuff, and he got publicly reproved, and later disfellowshipped. I was pioneering at the time, and I was under so much stress I stepped down. That's when the pioneers stopped talking to me. I was afraid of the elders, and I couldn't bear to ask anyone for help, and I implored Jehovah to help me, and I believed that he would send me help. I didn't want to be married anymore, but I had no grounds for divorce. My mother told me it was my duty to Jehovah to remain married, even if I was miserable, to prove my integrity. My closest friend was moving away. (I realize now that I had a crush on her. I became a pioneer for her, not Jehovah, and she was the object of many dreams, but I disregarded them at the time.)
Right in the middle of all this, I became friends with a sister from a nearby congregation (we shared the same hall). I spent a lot of time with her, and when I finally was able to get "permission" to separate from my husband, I asked her to be my roommate so I could make ends meet. (I picked a fight with my husband and goaded him and goaded him until he ALMOST hit me. It was enough to claim I was afraid to live with him...I feel guilty about that now because he is the most nonagressive person on the planet. If the situation had been reversed, had he said those things to ME, I would have beat the crap out of him.) We didn't realize at the time why it was we were so close, but once we were living together it didn't take long before we realized we had feelings for each other. I'd never felt passion with a man...but I felt it with her and we were desperately trying to figure out a way to cope with our feelings and still remain "faithful" to Jehovah.
So I left the truth. I figured I would probably die, but at that point I didn't really care. I decided that all the questions I'd always secretly had were going to be answered. I was going to find out once and for all if the Witnesses had "the truth." It didn't feel wrong to be with another woman, and that confused me. It took me months before I had the courage to type "jehovah's witnesses" into a search engine and read all those forbidden things. I didn't just investigate JW's, I investigated the Bible, and religion's in general. I examined evolution with an objective eye. I've looked into basic biology and read about homosexuality and although I can't say I have any solid conclusions, I don't feel guilty about living my life anymore.
After I left the truth and realized I was a lesbian, my husband and I reconciled to a large degree. We became friends, and put our marriage behind us. When we got divorced, we settled everything without lawyers or any disputes, we went to the courthouse together, and he, my girlfriend and I went out to lunch after the papers were signed. Eventually, he moved in with me and my girlfriend and became our roommate. It sounds weird to everyone else, but it works well for us. (Straight men who hear of this always give him this "atta boy" look. Sorry, everybody, it's not like THAT.)
Last fall I wanted to have a baby, and I went out in search of a sperm donor. I didn't want to go to a sperm bank and I REALLY didn't want to be inseminated by a doctor. I wanted to know the man that was going to contributed half of my child's genes. (My ex-husband was first choice, but he's infertile.) This was a long arduous process, but eventually I found who (I thought) was the perfect man. He was extremely smart, already had a daughter, he was nerdy, and creative. He didn't mind contributing his sperm and even offered to pay for college when the child was old enough. My girlfriend and I didn't know at the time that he was looking for his own personal harem, but by the time we found that out and parted ways...I was pregnant. I now have a beautiful baby boy, 2 months old, and I'm going to college full time. My son has two mommies, and a very attentive daddy in my ex-husband, even if he's not biologically his parent. We're all recovering ex-witnesses, and we've formed our own little family.
Still, it's hard for me to completely move on with my life. I feel like I grew up in a box, and I don't feel normal in comparison with the people I meet. What I have been taught all my life, I find just isn't true, at least not completely. So here I am, wanting to talk to others like me. I don't mind talking one-on-one with email, and my address is: deneranys@gmail.com.
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October 1, 2010
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Ramon's Story
I was born and raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. My dad had three kids from a previous marriage, before he was one of Jehovah's Witnesses and after he became one, he met and married my mom and had me, their only child. My parents were very devout Witnesses, my dad being an elder and my mom being a pioneer so I tried to follow their example from a young age, joining the Theocratic Ministry School at the age of 7. Even at this early age, though, I knew I was different, I knew I was attracted to men. There was another boy my age in our congregation and our parents would often arrange for us to have sleepovers. During these sleepovers, we began to explore each other's body. I knew in my mind that this was wrong and Jehovah didn't like it but I wasn't sure how to stop. As we grew older, this other boy found himself attracted to girls as well and I would tell him that I was too, though deep down I knew I wasn't. During all of this, I kept up the outward appearance of being a perfect Jehovah's Witnesses. I became an unbaptized publisher first, then I got baptized at 11, and would auxiliary pioneer on my vacation months from school. During this time, I remember thinking that it must all be an act for Jehovah's Witnesses, that everyone looked like they were devout Christians on the outside but really were doing sinful things secretly. I mainly believed this because many of the young people in my congregation were having sex with each other, drinking alcohol and engaging in other forbidden activities all while maintaining their innocence in congregational settings.
It was around the age of 13 that we moved to a new congregation that was just being formed so that my father could serve as an elder there. In this new congregation, the young people were very different. They were good Jehovah's Witnesses kids and when I would talk to them in private, their speech reflected it. None of them mentioned living a double life and for the first time, I thought it might be possible to actually live a life of "Godly devotion" both privately and publicly. I threw myself into personal study, bible reading, and the ministry, I volunteered at assemblies and conventions, I even managed to cut off my relationship with the boy I had been "messing around" with. In my junior year of high school, I asked my parents if I could be home-schooled so that I could begin regular pioneering. By this point, I had my sights set on the ultimate prize, to serve as a Bethelite at the World Headquarters of Jehovah’s Witnesses in New York. I really didn’t want to become a regular pioneer but I knew that Bethel worked based on seniority in the full-time service and I figured I should start building mine up at a young age. All of this diligence pushed me ahead of many of my peers and I became the darling of the circuit, getting circuit assembly and district convention parts, drama roles, and becoming part of the "in crowd" of the most spiritual youth in the circuit.
However, all of this personal study as well as all the "good associates" I had around me, made me ever more conscious of my sinful actions I had engaged in with my friend in the past years. I looked for any way to avoid confessing what I had done to the elders but there seemed no way around it, I had engaged in fornication after baptism and the only way to be forgiven was to confess. So during the circuit overseer’s visit, I confessed to him what I had done while we were in field service. He told me that what I had done was indeed wrong but that he understood why I had been reluctant to confess, namely since the eyes of the circuit were on me. I also told him that my father, on finding gay porn on the computer, had told me, "I rather you get a girl pregnant than be gay." The Circuit Overseer said that the next step would be to tell my parents what I had done and that he would be there when I did it. I was utterly mortified. I couldn’t imagine my mom having to listen to all of my sordid past acts. The next day we met in one of the school rooms at the Kingdom Hall and I confessed to my parents what I had done with my boy companion. I had to type it up and read it to them because I was sobbing and it was the only way I could get through it. Tears streamed down both my parents’ eyes as well as the circuit overseer’s as they listened to what I said. When I finished, my parents confirmed their love for me and the Circuit Overseer read a few scriptures before concluding the meeting by telling that he didn’t think we needed a judicial committee to investigate yet and that he would form an investigatory committee to make the decision of whether to make this a formal judicial matter. In the meantime, I had all privileges revoked, including congregational assignments, public prayer, and commenting. Even though no announcement was made, the congregation knew something was up because I was normally so active in congregational activities. After about a week, the investigatory committee met with me to discuss their decision. They felt that I had repented sufficiently and that because of the time that had lapsed since the last sinful act (almost two years), no action needed to be taken and that I could maintain my status as a regular pioneer. I don’t ever think I’ve ever felt so relieved in my life, barring when I came out. I knew that on the Bethel application, it asked the applicant if he or she had ever had a homosexual relationship and that if one answered "Yes" to this question then one’s chances of acceptance were minimal. I figured my dream of Bethel was over but at least my standing before Jehovah was clean.
I continued pioneering through the end of high school and throughout my two years at a community college, where I studied to become a paralegal, which my family and I felt would be a practical field that would allow me to continue full-time service. At the same time, a French-language congregation started in the area and I decided to help them out since I had taken French in school. I would preach with them when I could, but it was difficult because I had to borrow my parents’ car when they weren’t using it to do it. Suddenly, my dad announced that he wanted to the whole family to move to the French congregation, which thrilled my mom and me because the Society had been encouraging publishers to move into the foreign field. During this time, I decided to apply once for Bethel. I figured that I wouldn’t get accepted because of my past but that I should try at least once because it had been such a dream of mine. I figured if I didn’t get accepted, I wouldn’t try again. I submitted my application before I left the English congregation I was in. The application first had to go through my body of elders, then the circuit overseer, before reaching the Personnel department of Bethel for a final decision. When I submitted my application to my elders, I truthfully admitted that I had had a non-romantic homosexual relationship in the past. Because my father was on the Service Committee, which would be deciding whether my application would be forwarded to the Circuit Overseer, he had to be replaced by another brother since I was his son. The other two members of the service committee were the members of my investigatory committee and so were familiar with my case. The new brother had no idea of what had happened, and about two days after I submitted my application, he approached me and told me that because the relationship had been non-romantic, there was no need to answer "Yes" to the question regarding a homosexual relationship. I was stunned but happy to comply with his request that I submit a new application that answered "No" to the homosexual question. In hindsight, I think this occurred because they wanted to have the honor of saying a Bethelite came from their congregation and also knew how bad I wanted to go to Bethel.
So the waiting game began as to whether I would get accepted. We moved to the French congregation and I also submitted an application to become a Temporary Bethelite, which would mean I would serve for a limited period of time up to six months. A few months later, I got a call from the Temporary Bethelites desk at Bethel, saying that I had been accepted to serve for a month at Brooklyn Bethel. I was ecstatic and immediately accepted. They told me that they would be sending me details in the mail. A few days later, I got a thick letter in the mail, which I assumed were details regarding my temp assignment. Imagine my shock when I opened it to find that I had been accepted to serve permanently at the Watchtower Educational Center in Patterson, NY. It honestly was one of the happiest times of my life. My parents were beyond thrilled and arranged a lavish goodbye party and helped me prepare for my arrival date of December 25, 2003 at Bethel.
At Bethel, I met some of the best friends of my life as well as many kind people. I also experienced severe depression during certain times. I was assigned to work in the Laundry department, which at Bethel is one of the "production" departments, which were few at Patterson. At Brooklyn and Wallkill, many Bethelites were used to working in the production environment because of the printing work done in each facility. Schedules had to be kept and deadlines met, and you always knew it. At Patterson, many were unaccustomed to this because Patterson was an educational facility with Gilead School, the Branch Overseers School, and the Traveling Overseers School. Patterson also housed the Art Department, Audio/Video Department and Service Department. So for Patterson Bethelites, life was good, most worked at their own pace, with their own deadlines. However, the laundry and the dining room were "production" departments, as they are in Brooklyn and Wallkill. The work was hard, the overseers demanding, and the pace relentless. We received dirty clothes in the morning and they had to be washed, pressed, and in the owner’s room by the end of the workday. I worked mainly with other young guys my age and to be fair, we made sure we had fun while we did the work. I was eventually transferred to the Dry Cleaning department, which was a small department of five guys who had each been selected because they had seen in us some aptitude in dealing with the costly and delicate garments that we processed. Bethel even sent me to get certified by the state of New York as a dry cleaner. Highlights of my time at Bethel were the remodeling of both the Brooklyn and Patterson laundries, a time when we got to meet our counterparts in Brooklyn, work with them, and even work in Brooklyn for several months. I also enjoyed a trip to France and England in which I got to meet Bethelites in those two countries and compare notes. I was even selected to be on the cover of the DVD, "Young People Ask – What Will I Do With My Life?" a copy of which I’ve saved, knowing that after I came out, they would remove me from it. However, during my two and a half years there I started to get depressed. For one thing, I started to develop feelings for my roommate which became harder and harder to ignore. Also the pace started to wear me down, especially as I was getting more and more assignments in my French congregation, which was an hour away. I realized that I couldn’t do it anymore and so I told my parents that I wanted to leave Bethel. They were shocked and not a little disappointed, since they thought everything was going perfect for me. However, they said I was welcome back home until I decided what I wanted to do. Saying goodbye to Bethel was very difficult and involved many tears, but in the summer of 2006 I returned to my parent’s home in Maryland.
I decided that I wanted to move to France as a pioneer so that I could perfect my French. I had a friend in Paris who said I could live with him so all I had to do was save up some money to make the move. While looking for a job, I started wondering if there were other gay Jehovah’s Witnesses. I searched online and found several groups for Jehovah’s Witnesses who are gay but want to remain in the organization and not act on their gay feelings. It was a relief to talk to others who knew what I was going through. I made some close friends during this time from all over the world and even met up with a few when I attended the Special Convention in Frankfurt, Germany as part of the French-speaking U.S. delegation. There was one aspect that bothered me though when I met various gay Jehovah’s Witnesses, and that was the "cuddling." This term was used to describe holding, touching and caressing above the waist. It felt wonderful to touch another man but I felt guilty as well because we were doing as much as we could before the acts could be considered a serious sin and our thoughts were hardly chaste when we cuddled. Some wanted to go as far as kissing, which I didn’t feel comfortable with. During this time, I was looking for a part-time job that would allow me to pioneer. I seemed to have found the perfect one when I was hired to be a Customer Service Agent for Alaska Airlines in D.C. This would allow me to work and save up money and give me travel benefits. Training was a month long in Seattle. It would be the first time I was out of the watchful eye of my parents or the Society.
In Seattle, I met up with the Witnesses a few times. However in my training class, I met a guy I suspected to be gay. Somehow, I mustered up the courage to ask him about it and he confirmed that he was. We became the best of friends, with me hanging out with him and his boyfriend more and more while hanging out with the Witnesses less and less. For the first time, I saw a healthy gay relationship in action and found it was so different from the vilified lifestyle the Witnesses portrayed. Near the end of training, we watched a movie called, "Latter Days," which is about the struggles of a gay Mormon boy. The movie struck a chord with me and my friend’s boyfriend told me, "You know that’s going to be you one day," referring to the character leaving the Mormon church. At the time, I couldn’t imagine leaving the Witnesses and losing all my friends as well as my parents. I told him this and he replied, "You can do it now and go through the pain and heartache briefly or you can suffer the rest of your life alone as a Witness and possibly come out when you’re older and regret you didn’t do it sooner." The words struck me, though I told him I’d have to think about it.
I returned home severely depressed because after a month of freedom, I was back in the rigid life of a Witness. I stopped eating and my parents noticed and commented on the changes in me. Everyday I wrestled with the thought of whether to leave or not. One of the guys I met at the gay Jehovah’s Witnesses website asked me if I ever thought the Witnesses might be wrong. From that discussion, we decided that we would leave the organization together even though I lived in the U.S. and he lived in the U.K. I also started exploring sites for gay ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses to see how they had done it. All of this gave me the courage to make the leap out of the Witnesses. During this time, word had spread among the gay Jehovah’s Witnesses that I was thinking about disassociating myself. Many pleaded with me to reconsider, others were angry with me, near the end almost all of them stopped speaking to me, which broke my heart. I had decided that I was going to wait for my parents to go to work and just leave the house forever, however, one of the gay Jehovah’s Witnesses encouraged me to at least tell my parents face to face and I couldn’t argue with that. So after the meeting one night, on the walk from the car to the front door of our house, I decided that I was going to do it right then and there. As we came in the house, I told my dad I needed to talk to him. My mom went upstairs and my dad and I went into the kitchen and I said, "I need to tell you two things. Number one, I’m gay, and, number two, I don’t want to be one of Jehovah’s Witnesses any longer." Saying those words was like dropping an atomic bomb on my father. I know he was stunned but he recovered quickly and said he always knew I was gay and as for wanting to leave, that was my choice to make. I also discussed some issues I had from a theological standpoint with the Witnesses and he said he didn’t want to hear that, that I was using those points as an excuse to leave and live a gay lifestyle. I told him he was free to think that but it wasn’t true. He said he still loved me but that he would never be able to accept my significant other. We hugged and he said he would tell my mom the next day since he felt she would take it better from him. I can’t describe to you the feelings that I had that night, a mixture of sheer joy from the knowledge that I was on my way to freedom and the sadness of knowing I was spending my last moments with my parents. The next day I came home from work and found my mom with puffy red eyes from crying. She smiled faintly at me and said, "We’ll talk tomorrow." The next day we did and she tried to convince me that I should stay. Had I read all of the literature the Society published on homosexuality? Did I know how near the end of the system of things was? I told her I had done everything I could to stay but that I was only staying for my parents and friends and not from a love of Jehovah and that wasn’t fair to the religion or me. With that, she agreed to help me move. I sent in my letter of disassociation to the elders and the full body met to discuss it. They sent me a letter, which they all signed, pleading with me to meet with them before leaving but by that point my mind was made up and I didn’t want them to capitalize on the vulnerability I felt at that moment so I declined it and told them to process the letter of disassociation. I was shocked to get a secret letter from one of the elders, telling me that he was struggling with the same feelings I had but rather than encourage me to stay, the letter seemed to highlight the battle that had been raging inside him for years. I knew I didn’t want to go through the same thing and that I was making the right choice.
About a week later, the announcement was made that I was no longer one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Around that time, I was moving into a room I had found in D.C. As my parents dropped the last of my things off, we knew our relationship would never be the same. It was a quiet goodbye and then I went into the house. I’ll never forget that feeling, the feeling that the world had opened up to me and my future was full of possibility and, even more exciting, love. True, I had no friends and no idea how the world really worked, but I was excited discover it all. During those first few months, PFLAG was a great help to me. It was tough, though, to see all of my former friends ignore me when they saw me on the street. I decided I needed a fresh start in a new place so I became a flight attendant to pursue my love of travel and moved to San Francisco, CA, where I am now. Coming out was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life but I don’t regret it for a second. I hope my story can give strength to others just as others’ stories gave strength to me when I needed it. If anyone is thinking about coming out or already has and wants to talk, I’m here. Please don’t hesitate to email me at ramonjw@gmail.com.
Categories: stories, stories
October 1, 2010
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Victor's Story
I was raised in a family that was divided by religion, in the south end of America. This is the story of my life:
The first memories I have about my childhood are those of a little boy playing being big, building highways and buildings, since I was a child I always liked construction, and with my brothers, all of us children like me, we used to have fun in our home backyard and in our street. However, the fun always ended at the time our mother had to take us to the Kingdom Hall. She, a Witness since she was a child, was very aware of her duty as a member of that organization, that is, to raise her children under God's teachings.
Almost every morning my mother went to do field service, preaching hope for a new world to people. Sometimes we went with her. We were six brothers, plus a step brother, a son of my father, whom my parents kept home when he was nine. His name is Antonio.
I remember that morning very well: my mother wasn't home, the sun shined through the thin wooden walls of my room, lightening every single corner. I was only five. We were alone, under my step brother's care, which at the time was about nine. That was the first time he raped me, not just me, but one of my brothers too. That happened throughout my entire childhood. The abuses were ongoing, and they all happened while my mother went out to talk to people about hope, and God's love and mercy for human kind.
Several years passed, until one day I told my mom. She, in denial, told me that those were just dreams that children have. I left it all at that until one day, when Antonio wasn't living with us anymore (he was already married and had a son), I told my older brother. He did believe me and told my mother.
That time, in spite of the police informing my mother that they could charge him, she decided not to press charges since she loved him as her own child. The solution then was to move to a different city. That's how my quest for God's forgiveness started, as by that time I already was feeling attracted to men. No psychological, or any specialist's or professional help was offered, nothing that could "change my ways". My only treatment was to stay with the Jehovah's Witnesses, and for a long time I though that that's the only treatment I needed.
Time passed. I grew up, and the weight on my shoulders became heavier and heavier. At some point I thought that the solution was to have a girlfriend, but I couldn't as I didn't have enough Christian maturity to get married; I was only 17 at the time. Eventually I left home, abandoned my parents and moved to a different city.
Convinced that the solution to my problem was to fill my life with service, I quit higher education and dedicated my life to service, sharing my gift by spreading the message to all whom deserve it. I was 22 at the time, I had served as a missioner for about 2 years. I didn't have much, no money or luxuries; I was living in a room I rented. I was happy doing such fulfilling service, yet the ghost of the abuse, rape and homosexuality was haunting me. I thought I fell in love with my best friend, which I found detestable. I wanted to give him love and protect him, but I couldn't. He was another man. One day my situation was too much to bear and it went out of hand. That's when I just disappeared for about an entire week.
One afternoon I was at the shore, standing by the sea. The strong wind was blowing on my face. The only sounds I could hear were those of the breaking waves in the background, far down. I looked at the city, that beautiful city that hosted me for four years, and I saw hope. How many people are happy at this very moment? How many young men can study and have a career? That's when I decided to let go and get away from what was hurting me. For the first time I came to understand that it wasn't me, but the people around me, those who knew about my problems, that couldn't provide me the support I needed when I needed it the most.
When I was 23 I decided to return to home. I had not seen my parents since I left at 18. The scene was devastating: a broken marriage, an alcoholic father, and a mother working from dawn to sunset to hold the family together; it didn't matter at what cost, what mattered was that her marriage stayed together. She was married "and she had to stay that way until her husband dies". That's the life that it took for her to maintain a marriage that's honorable on the eyes of God, until I convinced her of separating (in my country legal divorce didn't exist at that time), so we left to another city, then she married and now she's happy.
As of me, I started the struggle to accept my reality, now far from all outside influence. Is started psychological therapy, and for the first time I understood many of the things that happened to me. I was not the bad person that many times I believed I was. Never again I cried out of the guilt for seeking the company and understanding of another man. It was not a choice, that's who I am. Finally I found my true self.
Today I'm 29. I started a career, I'm studying something I love, I have my own apartment, and most important, I am with a person I love. By coincidence, his name is the same of my first love.
Víctor
Santiago, Chile
Categories: stories, stories
October 1, 2010
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Jessica's Story
Growing Up As A Transsexual
In The Jehovah’s Witnesses Organization
When I was born my father was barely out of his teens and my mother was mentally ill so I was given to my grandparents to be raised. I lived with them from an infant until the age of nine, they were the only family I ever new. My dad was somebody who visited once a month. When I was six my dad moved near to us and I began to see him a little more, not enough however to prepare me for what was to come when I turned nine. He was a Jehovah’s Witness, he was therefore not allowed to be with a woman without being married. When his girlfriend broke up with him because she refused to become a JW for him he was very lonely. He married the first JW Woman who came along after that. She was, if I can be forgiven for my use of stereotypes, "trailer trash." What I didn’t know at nine but later learned as I grew older was that the elders of the congregation began pushing my father to take over my care and be "the head of his house." So after nine years of being with one family I was forced to simply move and live with another out of the blue. This was of course devastating for me. This was all a direct result of the Elder’s meddling. Custody battles ensued but the courts didn’t recognize my grandparents as having any legal rights whatsoever.
Now, I had been going to the congregation for a long time already at the insistence of my father and support of my grandmother who would for the next several years flirt with the idea of becoming a JW herself. My grandpa did not support this but didn’t feel the need to stop it. What I remember though, is that when I was younger my religion was a source of joy and comfort to me and once I had moved in with my father it became a source of extreme psychological pressure as I continually worried over the sins I was "committing every day and hurting Jehovah’s feelings."
Now, to complicate my story a bit, I just so happened to be a transsexual. Our society in general has a hard time accepting people like me so I can’t fairly lay all blame for my life at the witnesses’ doorstep, however, my life did become a living hell. I would go to bed every night asking Jehovah to help me quit being such a bad person, such a freak, such a sinner. Every day I’d wake up feeling worse and worse about myself and being scared to death that somebody would discover my secret. By the age of 11 I was suicidal. I believed that God hated me.
At the same time I was dealing with these internal secret issues I was also trying to deal with a severely dysfunctional family with a father who drank too much and a step mother who abused all of us emotionally every day and twice physically. (I believe I escaped worse treatment only because my grandparents were constantly threatening legal action) So where were the Witnesses in all of this? Constantly counseling me to obey my father and my mother, constantly telling me through talks and private conversations that I was a sinner. "Why did I trouble my parents so? Jehovah wanted me to do what they said." They also continued to shun my grandmother when she came to meetings simply because she was not baptized and was going against a baptized brother. (no matter that none of them knew the full situation) The elders set up an "impartial" meeting between my grandparents and my father to supposedly reconcile everyone. My grandfather grudgingly agreed to go while my grandmother blindly trusted the elders to be as fair minded and lovingly Christian as they claimed to be... Once I was older I discovered what really happened at that meeting, the elders spent hours berating, belittling, mocking, and condescendingly reading scriptures to my grandparents without ever listening to what they had to say. They had already made up their minds and were now counseling my grandparents to let my father fulfill his "Christian responsibilities."
To further add to the horrors of my life with the witnesses is the fact that our congregation was considered, "spiritually sick." Gossip and back biting ran rampant. Many children I went to school with were constantly being abused by their parents and being told that it was for their own good and that they needed to listen to their parents. One girl I barely knew who was an older teenager eventually killed herself. My dad had known her better than some and sometimes when he was drunk would tell me how the elders had treated her when she’d sought help for them to put an end to her father sexually abusing her. He believed that they had driven her to suicide by telling her that it was her own fault for leading her father on and that she needed to be a more chaste Christian woman and forgive her father for simply being a man... Marriages crumbled everywhere, hypocrisy ran rampant, many of my piers turned to drugs. Another man was arrested for abusing several children whom his wife used to baby sit over several years. Throughout it all I maintained myself as the perfect JW always praying for forgiveness of my sins, never daring to admit even to myself that I was a transsexual, never doing anything wrong, getting good grades, never even telling white lies, never cursing, always studying for meetings, going out in service... When I was told that my friends were "worldly" because they weren’t JWs (never mind that they were some of the most well behaved kids you’d ever meet) I began associating myself more with my piers in the congregation. (the ones doing drugs)
When I was 14 my dad and step mom finally got divorced after she had an affair with another man in the congregation. She was disfellowshiped but reinstated after only a three months because she told them everything they wanted to hear. My dad started seeing his ex girlfriend again who was not a JW. They came to the house and told him to leave her, he wouldn’t, they disfellowshiped him and he became shunned by the people that once so fiercely defended him simply because he was a baptized brother.
I was finally becoming very disillusioned with the entire organization. I was tired of keeping my severe gender issues a secret for fear that I too would be shunned by the congregation and all of my friends and family. I was tired of the lies and deceit passing for truth and sound advice. I began to wonder what exactly the society thought about transsexuals. Their stance on homosexuals was already quite clear but try as I might I couldn’t find anything that stated their viewpoint on this issue. Finally I found my answer in one of the bound volumes. It was a Watching Our World article in an old Awake! magazine from the seventies which I found in the glossary under "sex change." The article was only two paragraphs long and simply stated that sex changes were happening around the world and that they were being sought after by men who wanted to get away with being gay by trying to become women! The article had no bases in scientific knowledge nor even were scriptures quoted that specifically dealt with the issue. It was all in all very arbitrary. There it was in black and white, Jehovah must hate me. I looked through the Bible looking for answers myself- far to scared to ask someone more knowledgeable for their help. I found nothing, the world transsexual wasn’t exactly written anywhere. (I didn’t know that what I sought would be listed under the word eunuch) So it came down finally to the fact that I couldn’t live my life anymore without being the woman God made me inside. I wanted to die, it came down to me or the JWs.
I was surprised to find that when I left I never received a phone call or "shepherding call" or anything. I called one of the elders on the telephone to inform him that I wouldn’t be giving the talk in their theocratic ministry school and that they should give it to someone else so that they had somebody speaking on the scheduled material that night. I was informed that they had already given my talk to somebody else. A month of missed meetings and I was already considered a lost cause I guess.
After that it still took years for me to free myself from a lifetime of control. For a long time I still felt like Jehovah was looking over my shoulder. My hands literally shook the first time I went to buy somebody a Christmas present. When I heard bad things about witnesses I still felt compelled to defend them. It simply took years to quit thinking of myself as a sinner and start seeing myself as somebody who was worthwhile and loved. I’m happy to say I finally escaped. I’m a well adjusted woman with friends and a real life now. I’m still a moral person, I’m still religious, but I can no longer reconcile myself with the stuff the witness teach.
Unfortunately my story doesn’t end there. Three years ago my grandmother finally quit flirting with the idea of being a JW and actually became one. She was baptized. My grandparents began arguing and finally split up because my grandpa couldn’t stand what she had become. This was perhaps the worst tragedy of all. At the end of my journey I’d survived only to see my grandparents split by the JWs. Of course there were other problems and to be fair I can’t place all the blame at the JWs feet. However, I firmly believe that they did much more harm than good to my family. When I came out I also found that much of my family who were still JWs no longer wished to be around me. The looks they’d give me and the way they acted were far and away from being model Christian behavior. My grandmother and I still get along and are closer than ever I’m happy to report. However, she still struggles to reconcile her JW beliefs with her love and desire to protect me. It frustrates both of us. She won’t abandoned me but she can’t bring herself to leave the JWs either. I’m afraid it will always pull her heart in two directions.
To conclude, I’d just like to say that I wish that the Jehovah’s Witnesses and other organized religions would put half as much effort into showing Christ’s love as they put into propagating and enforcing their own dogma and doctrines. In the end I‘ve found that witnesses are far more divisive than they are loving...
Written by Jessica Day
Categories: stories, stories
October 1, 2010
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Stacey's Story
From preacher to a prostitute
Stacey’s Story
I was an adult child of an alcoholic and I felt constant emptiness and depression. The Jehovah's Witnesses seemed to be the right solution for me right then, for they were strict and authoritarian and gave structure to my life. Strict authoritarianism was the voice that I had heard since my childhood so it all rang true and familiar.
I joined Jehovah's Witnesses in 1991 although deep down I knew something was profoundly wrong, but I brushed it all away. For instance I did not believe that the carnivorous animals would be able to change their diets. Instead of causing ruckus, I soon found myself in field service and pioneering, work that I really liked. Growing in a home of alcoholics I had learned pleasing and understanding the slightest hints and I found field service pleasurable.
I still had my problems and my depression and it was very obvious to the brothers and sisters that I had problems. I struggled with uncertainties. I found out that the Watchtower and Awake offered only simplistic solutions of the type: 'Do you sin? Well, then don't!'
I married a sister named April from the United States. She moved to Finland with me, but 1994 we moved to California. We lived in extreme poverty, with which I was content, but she was not. We had fights and marital problems. I had extreme distress. I felt something was profoundly wrong, but I couldn't name it.
The marital problems became worse and my wife turned unfaithful. The elders could not help. Jehovah was no help either. We moved to Southern California and I started to work secularly pretty hard. Meeting/field activity dropped for both of us. I did not talk much with her and I had started to doubt my identity.
She left me and we divorced. By this time I had found out that the Watchtower was not a solution for my problems. I found out that I was really a transsexual person, I had the brain and mind - the gender of a woman. This struck me with horror. I thought I was going crazy.
The Watchtower magazines offered really no help for the transgendered individual that would go beyond generalizations and misunderstandings. Clearly they did not even understand the issue sometimes. How many other issues were there that the magazines failed to present correctly?
I started to live as a woman in January 1997 for that was the only way to test if I were really a transsexual person or whether I had just gone plain crazy. It did not burn off, on the contrary, I felt that I had to live as a woman from now on instead. I have lived as a woman for three years already and planning for a surgery.
Since I was fooled by my emotions into the watchtower I have been extremely critical in what comes to being transsexual.
I was disfellowshipped in April, 1997 for "lying, apostasy and loose conduct". I had a discussion with an "elder" and he basically said that Jehovah would forgive me if I killed myself instead. Such a bad sin is transsexualism. If I explain this, lying was that I was cheating myself, being delusional, that is. Loose conduct is visiting women's restrooms and causing ruckus doing so. Funny, no such thing has ever happened, so I was disfellowshipped in advance. I was also disfellowshipped for promoting the belief that god did not create man male and female. I had never said anything like that. No book in the Watchtower condemns transsexualism as a disfellowshipping offense.
Around my divorce and coming out I lost my wife, job, belongings, two cars, green card, pretty much everything and I had to move out of the country.
I have got my share of prejudice in this society and I started as a prostitute to earn money for my surgery and life. Since I had learned the ways to be a gentle, compassionate person taking a lot of nonsense from people at home as well as in my life as a pioneer, I do an excellent work as a prostitute with the customer being the strict elder/organizational/father-figure. Many of you are also whores of the society, but you do not get paid as well as I do.
I tried a 12-step program to get out of these love/hate-relationships with authoritarian figures, but 12-step programs are cults. I still feel the emptiness within my person, an "itch" that is only filled by - - a trick. I am learning slowly to stand on my own feet. When I learn to be an independent individual not always leaning on authority figures, I have learned to be free and one day I will walk free, from all cults, from my craving inside, from the voice inside telling me I am not really worth it... it'll take years. The years spent in Watchtower was just a symptom.
I have forgiven the individual Jehovah's Witnesses that have shunned me or that have judged me. I know, in their situation I would have done the same.
Categories: stories, stories
October 1, 2010
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A Common Bond
Starting a New ACB Chapter
Since this website first came on line in 1998, we have been contacted by literally thousands of gay & lesbian former Jehovah's Witnesses around the world. Many of these individuals have expressed a desire in seeing a chapter of A Common Bond form in the area in which they live. While our email discussion groups and private correspondence are valuable resources for support, the benefits of face-to-face meetings are incalculable, as anyone who has ever attended a local ACB group or one of our international conferences will tell you. There are still many thousands of gay & lesbian JWs and exJWs out there who currently do not have internet access, and we need to reach out to these individuals as well. You likely arrived at this page because you are thinking of starting a chapter of A Common Bond. You must feel some need for opportunities to have regular contact with gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender former Jehovah's Witnesses on a local level. You recognize the need for a safe place where GLBT former Jehovah's Witnesses can find acceptance and understanding, knowing that we face unique issues that only other former Witnesses would understand. You could be instrumental in fulfilling their needs as well as your own by beginning a chapter.
Here are the steps you need to take to start a chapter of A Common Bond:
STEP ONE --To start a group, you need people! How can you find others in your area who would be interested in joining ACB?
(a) Advertise in the local gay press. Many gay/Lesbian newspapers will publish announcements free of charge or for a nominal fee. You may wish to send out the announcement in the form of a press release. Be prepared to publish a telephone number for individuals to contact. You can subscribe to an on-line voice mail service if you don't want to publish your home phone number. It's also a good idea to make a mailing address available to individuals who prefer not to call. Obtaining a P.O.Box is generally a good idea, not just for privacy's sake, but because the group's mailing address will remain constant if you turn the group over to someone else at a later date.
(b) Contact us! We may already know of others in your area who have already e-mailed or written to us looking for support. You might want to consider joining the ACBGroup email correspondence group to establish contact with other gay & lesbian ex-JW's, as perhaps they may know of others in your vicinity.
(c) Put up announcements. Many metropolitan areas have Gay & Lesbian Community Centers, book stores, or other establishments which have bulletin boards where the general public is allowed to post announcements at no charge. It doesn't have to be an elaborate flyer -- a neatly-written or typed 3x5 card usually will do just as well.
(d) Build a web site. Your site does not have to be as elaborate as this one. A paragraph or two, telling about the group, it's purpose, and an e-mail contact is sufficient. Once your site is established, contact this site's webmaster for inclusion on our Links page.
(e) If your community has a Pride Parade or similar event, march in the parade if you have a sufficient number of members. Every time one of our chapters has marched, they have found more individuals to join their group. In some areas, Pride events also allow groups and vendors to set up booths. Several of our chapters have done this as well, with remarkable results.
(f) The San Francisco group has made its presence known at past JW District Assemblies. This type of contact may be too controversial for some areas, but if you feel this activity would be appropriate in yours, visit the "Making Our Presence Known Locally" page on this web site to read about our experiences. We feel this is important work, as we have actually been contacted by closeted Witnesses in desparate need of support.
STEP TWO -- Find a meeting space. The San Francisco group has successfully met since 1994 in the homes of various members. The New York City group is holding meetings at the NYC Lesbian & Gay Community Center. Where you decide to meet depends upon the resources available in your area, whether you feel your home (or the home of another member) would be appropriate, and if meeting in a public space, your personal budget. The meeting space should ideally be centrally located for the members, have sufficient parking, and/or be located near accessible public transit.
STEP THREE -- Develop a meeting format. There is no required format, although several common sense matters need to be mentioned first. Frequently, people cite confidentiality as their main concern when first coming out, so it's important to ensure the confidentiality of your group members. If you wish to have an effective chapter, you must be welcoming and inclusive of all people who come to your group. Don't be surprised if an active Jehovah's Witness struggling with their sexual identity shows up from time to time. This is not uncommon, and it is imperative that they be made to feel comfortable and welcome. Be sensitive to the needs of everyone in your group. Each group develops its own personality according to the individuals who join.
Some groups find that a casual environment, in the form of pot-luck suppers in the homes of various members, outdoor picnics, and other similar events, make attendees feel most at ease. Other group gatherings are more structured, with outside guest speakers as well as formal discussions. Discussion topics of a controversial nature generally do not keep in the spirit of support. It is strongly suggested that the topic of religious doctrine be avoided as much as possible, as many who have left the Witnesses have embarked on other spiritual paths, some abandoning religion altogether, while others still adhere to varying degrees to JW doctrine and will not tolerate "Watchtower bashing". Generally, most gatherings are held monthly, with the average meeting lasting 2-3 hours (this can vary according to the size of the group, and how much people have to discuss). Larger events such as outdoor picnics can last the entire day. Don't be discouraged if your gatherings start out small. Remember, it only takes two to make a group!
STEP FOUR -- Keep the group going even if you're not getting much interest. Some ACB chapters get off to a flying start, while others stay small for a long time. Be patient! From the number of visits to this website, we know that there are thousands of GLBT JWs and exJWs who have not yet contacted us.
It should be mentioned here that, if you have an interest in starting an ACB chapter, but do not yet know any other individuals near you who wish to join, you can be listed as an individual contact on our website until such time as you meet others and get a chapter going.
STEP FIVE -- Finally, please let us know you are out there! Please click here to register with us on line, or click on this printable form, fill it out, and mail it back to us so we can keep your contact information on file and put others in touch with you when we hear from someone in your area. Having this information on file will also help us put chapter coordinators in touch with each other so they can share ideas, suggestions, and experiences.
If you're feeling a little overwhelmed by all of the above......relax! None of this has to happen overnight. A Common Bond has been growing steadily since 1980, and thanks to you, we will soon see our network of support grow even larger! We're looking forward to hearing from you!
Categories: Uncategorized, Uncategorized
September 3, 2010 by Ryan Oldham
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